i'm sure i've probably said this before, but i just can't believe that this author i work with (i believe i used to refer to her as "the bully") has an english degree from berkeley. granted, it was a long time ago (she's in her mid-late 50's), but one would think that basic grammar is something that stays with you for most of your life. she has no fucking clue how awful her writing is, and then takes it personally when i want to make edits. i should copy and paste some direct quotes taken from her writing...maybe next time i come across a good (bad?) one, i'll save it somewhere.

on another note, i was upset with myself for most of today because i noticed that i have this tendency to always assume the worst. and then let that assumption depress the hell out of me. it's one thing when i get depressed over things that actually happen, but another to get depressed over things that i am totally making up in my head based on little to no evidence. maybe it is my way of preparing for the worst...or maybe i just have this intuition about things...i don't know. part of me thinks i am an idiot when i believe such things, and then another part of me thinks i am an idiot when i don't, because in my head, it's just so obvious.

anyway...other than all that, my mom's uncle is supposed to find out about his citizenship this week. fingers crossed! i should mention that there was a potential problem with his application that might set him back a few months...may not seem like a huge deal, but to my mom, a few more months would be tough to deal with. and to him too, i'm sure. so...i'm hoping they approve it.

ok, time for bed. i'm hoping that writing before going to sleep will help me relax. i woke up clenching my teeth this morning. really have no clue what is stressing me out so much in my sleep. have a dentist appointment next week and i know he's going to be mad at me for not wearing my mouth guard... posted at 11:32 PM | 0 comments

it's so much easier to write about things while they are still on my mind...but when i wait too long and try to write about stuff that i was feeling last week or last month or six months ago, it's really hard and feels forced and not as sincere. so...i don't know whether or not to bother. but there's so much that i intended to write about that i just totally missed. anyway, it's late and it's not happening tonight, so maybe some other time...if i remember. posted at 11:53 PM | 0 comments

i feel like i haven't written in ages...nothing much is really going on with me. my shoulder's been a little better - at least, not swollen or in any serious pain, just kind of tight/sore at times...i'm trying to be more conscious of when i'm putting too much strain on it. i think i've been really hunched over at work lately, so trying to sit straighter...i also think a lot of it is just tension in my body. so hard to relax. i don't know what i'm doing in my sleep that makes my whole body so tense. or what i'm doing in the day time to make my subconscious so stressed that it's affecting my dreams or whatever...i hardly ever remember my dreams so i don't know if i've been having really stressful ones or what, i just know i wake up feeling like i did.

anyway, i've been really slow at work lately. i guess that started a while back, but i seem to just not be able to keep my focus for more than a few minutes at a time. kind of depends on what i'm working on i guess...need to find stuff to do that is more interesting and engaging. not that i have much choice in the matter. but i'm just not into the stuff i'm doing right now. and i think i've been more easily distracted lately. so it's a combination of the two that is really slowing me down. posted at 11:27 PM | 0 comments

i do intend to write more regularly, but somehow it's really hard to get back into the habit after slacking for so long. and i'm generally just tired and don't feel like i have anything new to say that hasn't already been said.

my shoulder got really bad on tuesday. it was quite painful...i stayed home on wednesday and avoided using that arm as much as possible. luckily the swelling went down. i also started doing my old physical therapy exercises again - which makes me feel great right after i'm done, but then if i get on the computer the pain comes back. i think it's my posture or something. like i haven't been sitting straight anymore. i feel so hunched over. plus i'm just incredibly tense these days. so much to do...i feel like i can't keep up with anything.

anyway, since it's about 11:30 now, i just wanted to say i am on team conan all the way. leno should have retired or gone on to other things...personally, i watch letterman. but there are times when conan is hilarious. leno on the other hand...well, i just never liked him or found him funny. i agree the whole mess is more nbc's fault than leno's, but it just makes me dislike leno even more for not stepping aside! posted at 11:26 PM | 0 comments

it's 2010. isn't that crazy? i think so...of course i'm the one who was still thinking it was 2008 for most of 2009.

anyway, the shoulder problem that i had back in the mid-00's seems to be back. i'm not quite sure what i did to cause it to come back - probably been spending more time at the computer than i should be. or maybe sleeping on that side more. i'm not sure. it's getting quite painful though, so i should be a little more mindful and keep moving it and probably start exercising...getting older sucks. all sorts of aches and pains. i bought new shoes because my feet/legs were starting to hurt (i walk about 2.5 miles a day) and i thought i needed something with more support. so i got these nike's for about $60. i can't recall ever spending more than $45 on shoes, so i'm not sure what got into me. they're ok. i wore them today for the first time, and it wasn't too bad in the morning - definitely easier to walk in than the other pair i had been wearing pretty regularly. but, they kinda hurt. and by evening, i was having some new foot pain. i'm hoping they just need to be broken in some. i remember the shoes that i got a few years ago were uncomfortable initally but ended up molding to my feet really well. it has been hard to find an adequate replacement. i wore them out completely before getting rid of them. anyway, so i'm hoping these new ones also mold to my feet - they are nice and sturdy without being super bulky, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed...already wore them so i can't return them. this is why i don't normally spend much money on things - i generally end up feeling it was a waste. posted at 7:51 PM | 0 comments

i feel like i've been neglecting this blog...as with many other things in my life, i suppose.

caught a mouse last week. i am hoping there aren't more of them around...i should probably set up another trap just in case though, huh? sometimes i just don't want to know...

anyway, i was just thinking how i miss being a kid and actually liking and being surprised by presents i got for my birthday and/or christmas. sometimes, i just want a nice surprise, a nice gift that i actually love. no one ever gets me anything good anymore...well, it's basically only relatives that get me stuff. and my relatives are mostly cheap and/or don't really know me well enough to know what i'd like. that includes my parents apparently. oh, i just remembered - there was the tivo i got a couple years ago. that was a rare good and non-cheap gift from a family member...especially after i found out that a year's subscription was included. i know i bitched about it initially. now i can't live without it. (although i kind of blame it for making me watch a lot more tv than i should.) but yeah...to get a gift like that is very rare.

i kinda wonder sometimes if i had friends who got me stuff, what they'd get me. is that a weird thing to wonder about? i think when i was 21 or so, one friend got me a necklace. it was really pretty, i still have it actually...i don't think i ever wore it, but i still like the idea of it. i guess i'd like to have someone to exchange gifts with now as an adult...i used to like getting gifts for people, taking the time to find something that they'd like. if there was anyone that i cared about much now, i'd still like doing that for them. i just wonder if they'd get something nice for me too, or if i'm just impossible to shop for. if it's the latter, that would explain the lousy gifts i generally get. posted at 10:05 PM | 0 comments

i'm so exhausted...i don't know when i'll get myself to actually accomplish anything. i need to set mini-goals for myself. i feel awful about things right now...so frustrated with myself... posted at 11:54 PM | 0 comments