| relax. relate. release. |
|
|||||||||||||
| who am i? | ||||||||||||||
|
Thursday, May 31, 2001
i guess whatever it was on my lip last night was not a cold sore after all. completely disappeared by this morning. so, that's good. and after what seemed like an eternity (ok, 7 or 8 days) of not getting any email from friends, i got 2 from sean today. so that's good too. and, i also woke up at a fairly decent time this morning (compared to the past week or two) and i was showered and dressed by 1. (that has not been the case for a while, i'm ashamed to admit)
i just randomly went to one of the recently updated blogs, and after reading a few entries, i felt so similar to the girl who was writing it. or at least, some of her thoughts mirrored some of mine. none that i've written about here, but just some other thoughts i have had in the past few years...so i guess knowing that someone out there feels the same way i do makes me feel a little more normal. silly me forgot to bookmark her blog though. oh well. i wish her well, whoever she is. my mom is coming to visit on saturday - know what this means? real food! yay! i've had no apetite lately. that's probably because i can't really cook much. anyway. so i'm looking forward to eating this weekend. with that thought, i think i'll head to bed a little early tonight. 
i think i'm getting a cold sore. yuck - who needs that? why am i getting one now anyway? i thought they come up when you're stressed. i'm not stressed. at least i don't think i am. do i seem stressed? i don't have any work to do or school stuff due or anything like that. i guess it's possible i could just be stressed about life in general, but i don't feel like i am. i've been doing nothing but relaxing for the past month. but then again why would i have so much trouble sleeping if i'm not feeling some sort of anxiety over something? i know i'm losing it when i can't even figure out what's bothering me...
maybe i just need to get some exercise. i need to make some floor space first. that's what i hate about having such a small apartment - always have to make floor space. i hardly ever have some clear space that's just ready to use because there's so little space to begin with. i guess i could go out for a walk or something...actually, there's even a little workout room in my building...has some equiptment and stuff i think. i've never used it, but maybe i should. i'd just feel really odd. i've never worked out in my life really. i prefer to just do yoga and walk a lot, but i haven't done either since moving to michigan. it's kind of pathetic how lazy i've become. it's just another one of those things i feel no motivation to do, even though i'm fully aware that i am really out of shape and it's unhealthy for me to be like this. i hope i snap out of this funk soon.
Tuesday, May 29, 2001
blogger is so slow today. was slow yesterday too actually, but it seems worse today. or maybe i am just so bored that everything seems slower? the day passes slower, i know that.
what can i say? got more of the same ol shit from my dad. week after week after week he tells me the same things, and honestly i'm so sick and tired of hearing his advice. doesn't he get tired of saying the same things to me everytime we talk??? or maybe he doesn't even remember saying it. who knows. it's irritating to me regardless. one of these days i'm just going to explode. i almost did once, i think it was a couple of years ago. i started to say something, but then i couldn't get it out completely because i was on the verge of tears and i don't like crying in front of my dad. i don't like crying in front of anyone really. so i shut up and repressed it all again. i don't know how long i'll keep doing that. whenever he starts now, i just tune out and let whatever he is saying go in one year and out the other and pretend to agree and say yeah, ok, i'll do that. sure. uh-huh. but how long can i keep doing that? sometimes i really feel like avoiding talking to him just because i know what the conversation is going to consist of before it even starts. sometimes i wish i had it in me to be rude to him. that sounds like a horrible thing to wish - i guess that's not what i really meant. i wish i could just express to him how...how....how goddamn annoying he can be!! (but in nicer words)
Monday, May 28, 2001
just watching conan o'brien. he went to ireland - i'm so jealous. anyway, they made a funny segment of him in ireland looking for his ancestors (not for real, just for the show). i can' t explain, but it made me laugh. anyway. his hair looks goofier than normal tonight. it bounces when he laughs. anyone notice that?
i'm so damn bored. i need stuff to do, i swear i'm going to go insane living like this. i just feel so lifeless. i guess there are some things i could do, but nothing that i really want to do. i don't feel motivated or energized or excited about anything, and i don't have anyone here to support me and encourage me to do anything. so...well, here i am blogging because there's nothing else i feel like doing right now...
i was reading message boards at this one website i go to, and the people who post there regularly have formed a sort of community and friendship, so they write about personal stuff and get advice, etc. anyway, this one guy is really depressed - i mean seriously depressed, probably clinically. so other people were posting advice to help him "cheer up" - but a few of them just don't realize what this guy is going through so the "advice" they are giving him is really just a bunch of bullshit that he is never going to take serously. i know because i get irritated when people tell me the same things. i realize this guy asked for advice, but i think that people who have not experienced what he is experiencing should not be giving out advice like they know everything. some things they write are so...so...ignorant. anyway. i didn't really have a point to make, that's just something that was bugging me. i mean, it's a serious matter, so if you don't have something truly useful to say to this guy, then keep your mouth - or keyboard - shut. otherwise you're just adding to the problem. (that's my opinion on the matter anyway)
Sunday, May 27, 2001
just wanted to share the good news: my building finally turned the heat back on! anita will not be freezing her ass off tonight...
i'm really irritated with the new geocities guestbook. can't make it look the way i want anymore. i don't like that they've taken so much of it out of our control. they need to let us mess with whatever settings we want to. at least basic things like fonts and link colors - oh and the URL's aren't even coming up as links!! how annoying. i mean, really. i want to be able to have some more say in MY guestbook.
Saturday, May 26, 2001
i have a feeling i'll be up for a while...woke up pretty late this morning. or rather, afternoon. oh well. what else is there to do? michigan just gets suckier and suckier - no offense, i know some people really love it here; i'm just not one of them. i looked for tickets to go home, but they were really expensive. and i'm still not sure what i'm going to be doing over here this summer so it's hard to make vacation plans.
anyway. tried calling cameron today, but the line has been disconnected. haven't gotten email from her either. hmm...well, cami if you happen to read this, drop me a line or something, k? it's been a while. my tummy hurts. i haven't eaten much today - no appetite. hard to work one up when i'm having a lazy day. the weather's getting depressing. i think the rain is actually drearier than the snow. it gets so dark sometimes, and the thunder can be irritating. i end up just moping around. i know i'll be complaining when it gets hot again too. but at least i'll feel like going out more when there's some sunshine.
messing around with my template a little. nothing major - i've realized how annoying it can be when some blogs take forever to load, so i don't think i'll be adding any large graphics or anything...i'll keep working on making it look better though. i'm not quite satisfied yet...
Friday, May 25, 2001
i was just browsing through random blogs, just to see what other people were writing about and stuff...my conclusion: there are WAY too many nsync fans out there in blogger-land. i don't understand that. maybe it's just that there are way too many annoying high school students blogging, and they all just happen to have bad taste in music? anyway. i haven't come across many interesting blogs really. of course, people probably read my blog and think the same thing - my ramblings are not exactly captivating reading material. i don't really care. at least i'm not filling it up with high school shit. and at least i don't listen to nsync or any of that crap. you know what i'm looking forward to? a post-pop music backlash. sort of like what happened during the early-mid 90's.
but i do like dave matthews band.
Thursday, May 24, 2001
i'm cold. i don't know if the building's main heat is turned off, or if it's just that the heater in my apartment isn't working (it has stopped a few times before). i packed up my down comforter back when it was like 80 degrees. how was i supposed to know it would get cold again? : (
i'm also hungry. last time i went to the store i bought some of those snackwells devil's food cake cookies. but there's only like 12 of them in a box so that didn't last too long. i really need to stock up on food in general. feel like i don't have any. i think i'll make some hot chocolate...yeah that sounds good...hope it'll warm me up a little too.
starbucks has invaded ann arbor.
what is this world coming to? as if it weren't bad enough that there's a McDonald's right across the street from where i live, now there's going to be a starbucks on the block too. south u is really irritating. anyway. in other news, i went to my professor's office today. she emailed last week saying she would be in today and we could pick up our portfolios. i also wanted to talk to her about this independent study i'm supposed to be doing. but, she wasn't there. and i heard she isn't going to be back until june 6. she has basically wasted my entire month!!! does she realize how inconsiderate she is?!?! i've emailed her several times about meeting and she has not replied. if i had known she was going to do this to me, i would have gone on vacation or something...i've seriously been doing nothing for the past few weeks, getting very irritated. now, i don't even feel like dealing with her anymore because i'm so pissed. i could have been back home in california, enjoying the nice weather and good food....i could have gone off on a trip somewhere...i could have gotten a job....i could have done a lot of things!! instead, because of her, i've been sitting around, getting bored out of my mind, stuck in rainy ass michigan. i'm not happy. she seemed cool at first, but really she pisses me off so much sometimes. her grading system is completely subjective and based on her expectations rather than on actual quality of work. and she had different expectations for everyone, so our grades basically depended on what she thought of us before the semester even started. and during the semester she kept saying things (regarding assignments and what we would be doing in the class) and then she'd forget that she said them at all. i can't stand it when professors are like that. be organized. be consistent. be fair. be considerate. that's all i ask of my professors.
just re-reading what i wrote in that last post...i guess my point was, i'm not thinking about him any less than i was 2 years ago...possibly even further back than that, i can't remember really...so that's troubling me a little. i expected that i would be thinking about him much less by now, but i'm not.
maybe it's because i haven't met anyone else...that's what i usually tell myself anyway, but i guess i won't know for sure until i do. maybe it's because of the friendship and how special it is to me. maybe that feeling will stay with me for a long time, but everything else will disappear. i guess that would be fine with me. but i sometimes feel like he wants something else - that he wants me to be less of a friend and more of a...i don't know, just for fun kinda person...less sharing of deep thoughts, more laughs and messing around...i want both. i just worry that i'm too caught up in the memories. things have changed so much and probably won't ever go back to the way they were before...so why do i torture myself by thinking about the past so much??? ack - i need to get to sleep. i can't believe i wrote this much. i don't know why i'm doing this to myself, over-analyzing shit and writing about it here of all places. i hardly hear from him these days so i think i just miss him right now...but why????? that's the question. why do i have to miss him? and how long will it be this way? why can't i just be happy whenever i hear from him and be normal when i don't?
Wednesday, May 23, 2001
i was watching some cheezy tv shows tonight - namely dawson's creek and felicity. (yes i know i'm 23, but i was bored and it's an escape - i'm allowed) considering that they were season finales, i thought they were pretty boring, but anyway. they got me thinking about something. on both shows, characters were trying to get over an ex - or maybe they were over them, but still thought about them a lot, cared about them, wanted to be with them, etc. i know tv shows aren't 100% realistic and all, but this is something that real people go through, right? or at least i do. and i'm pretty sure i know a few others that do.
so why do we do this? why is it so hard to get to the point where you stop thinking about someone so much? why does it take so long sometimes? i always thought that i'd stop thinking about sean when i started to fall for someone else. that seems to have been the pattern in the past, and i'd like to think that's the way it will be. but i don't know if it always works that way. according to tv, it doesn't. i haven't been interested in anyone that i've met in the past 2 years or so, so i haven't really had the opportunity to test my theory. but tonight, part of me started to wonder if i will be like the characters on those shows. still thinking about him even after moving on and getting involved with other guys and not seeing him or hearing from him regularly... my computer all of a sudden got really quiet and it freaked me out. lost my train of thought for a sec. the thing is, my feelings for sean are about 95% based in friendship. before, it was different. i mean, the friendship was there from the beginning, but there were other feelings too. those are mostly gone now, and they have been for a long time. so in that sense, i have gotten over him. but, i still think about him a lot. and it's frustrating...probably unhealthy too...and i think it makes him uncomfortable. it's just weird because we weren't in a relationship, we didn't even spend that much time together really. and yet...even if i say we are just friends, i don't think of him in the same way that i think about other friends. so i don't know what it is. or when it will stop. or if i even want it to stop. i don't know if i'm getting my thoughts across or not. all i know is that although i don't think about him as much now as i did during the first few months, i reached a point where it stopped reducing. i'm seeing this as a graph where the line increases for about a month, then stays flat for a few months or so, then decreases slowly over a year, then goes flat, but it's still above zero. way more above zero than i would expect it to be after 3 years. i'm not saying that it should or ever will hit zero - i doubt that. but it should still be decreasing slowly, not staying flat. i guess when i say it's a flat line, i really mean it's more of a sine curve. goes up and down, but averages out to be flat. i'm nuts, i know.
Tuesday, May 22, 2001
i've made some changes to my template. hopefully i didn't totally screw up the blogger code in the process. i tend to learn these things by trial and error. anyway, this is still a work in progress...i'll make it more interesting to look at over the next week or so. unless i decide that i'd like to keep it simple. you'll just have to wait and see!
wish i had something interesting to write about, but i don't. unless you want to know about me cleaning my bathroom, since that is about all i did today. actually, it's not even done yet. another thing that i do in stages. (due to allergies in this case, not laziness)
Monday, May 21, 2001
sorry, i just couldn't figure out why my posts weren't showing up on my website. i'm still getting used to this blogger thing so i don't know what's normal and what's my fault and what's the site's fault, etc. anyway. i'm going to bed now, so hopefully it'll post tomorrow. at least the entries aren't missing. that's a good sign, i guess.
not much to say today. i'm slowly cleaning my apartment. i like it when it's clean. it's usually not, but i'm going to try to keep it clean over the summer. it feels nicer to live in this way. i'm not an overly messy person, by my apartment is so tiny that even a small mess can look like it's taking over most of the room.
other than that, watched some tv. (big surprise) i got mad because general hospital was interrupted due to the tornadoes. it's the only soap i watch, so when i don't get to see it, i get a little irritated. i hope nothing good happened today. it's been boring lately anyway. well, not boring, but i just don't like the current storylines. i just watch hoping that they will get more interesting. i'm getting addicted to reading strangers' blogs too. i like to look at different blog layouts - some of them really seem to reflect different personalities. i want to do something like that with mine but i've been feeling uncreative lately. i gotta be in the right mood. i don't know what's going on with me these days. just feel uninspired. i wanted to fix up my website, and i also had ideas for 2 other websites that i want to start. but who knows when i'll get around to doing all that, if ever. i don't mean to sound negative - i do think i will eventually...i can't think of the word...damn it, i really can't explain what i'm thinking. this is going to drive me crazy all night now. if i think of the word, i'll post later.
Sunday, May 20, 2001
messing around with the template. i think i like this one better. just have to work on the colors. and add graphics or something...well, i have plenty of time. no need to get it done tonight.
ok, so...one of the things i wrote about last night was a possible trip to new york. bascially, a distant relative is getting married there at the end of june, and my grandma really wants me and my mom to go to it. at first i agreed because i basically just wanted an excuse to go to new york and i thought it was convenient being so close to 4th of july. so i thought it might be fun. but, here's the catch: the reason my grandma wants me to go is because she wants to introduce me to some guys and/or other people who might know some guys. for those non-indians out there, this is basically to scope out potential husbands. i didn't know about this until my mom let it slip out recently.
anyway. i'm only 23 and not even thinking about marriage yet. my grandma thinks that it'll take a few years for me to find a husband, so i better start looking now. my mom doesn't really care much, she just wants me to go to make my grandma happy. but i really don't feel like i can put myself through it. i can't tell you how awkward it is...especially when the people being introduced are born and raised in the US. it's just soooooo obvious what indians are trying to do when they introduce 2 single people of the opposite sex. and that obviousness is what makes it so damn uncomfortable. just the thought if it is freaking me out. so i'm not sure if i should go. the more i think about it, the more i don't want to. but i'm just getting so much pressure from some of my relatives, who are insisting that i go because it would make my grandma really happy. i'd like to just humor her and go, but i really don't think i'd be able to stand the awkwardness.
i lost the entry i wrote last night : (
now i know how milly feels when that happens to her. it's funny, whenever she complained about it, i always wondered why she didn't just type up her entry in notepad or something and then copied and pasted it into the blogger. but looks like i don't even take my own advice : ) i really didn't even know i was going to write a long one. it started out with the intention of being really brief, just a couple of sentences, then....i don't know...i just started to think about all these other things and wrote about them too, so it ended up being quite long. oh well. i don't feel like trying to re-write it now. maybe some other time.
Friday, May 18, 2001
ok, i've calmed down a little now...sorry about that last post. it was a result of years' worth of frustration. mostly directed at one person, but sort of applicable to a few other people as well.
anyway. i just got this email from crushlink.com - has anyone else gotten one? basically, someone typed in my email address either because they have a crush on me or because they suspected me of having a crush on them. in any case, i can't for the life of me figure out who it could be. the site won't tell me unless i type in that person's email address. but if i make some guesses (and they would be totally random because i don't have a crush on anyone right now) then all those guys will get email saying someone has a crush on them. i don't want that to happen...so what i did was put in five of my email addresses so i could get a hint. the hint i got was that this person's first name has 8 or more letters in it. so now i am totally stumped. i think this is fake. i don't think i know anyone with a first name that big. and i don't know anyone who would use the particular email address that the message was sent to. so...unless i hear otherwise, i'm assuming this was just sent out to get publicity for the site, even though it says it wasn't. if it's real and the person who typed in my address is reading this, then be a big boy and email me instead of using websites meant for 12 year olds!!!! i think my name was probably entered as a guess rather than as someone's crush, so there's nothing to hide anyway.
i hate it when people give me advice that i didn't ask for. not just once or twice, but over and over, repeatedly - meaning just about every time we speak, and it's basically the same advice every time!!! stop it damnit!!! i don't want to hear it anymore. i get it, ok?? i don't need anyone to point out that something's wrong with me, i know that already. and i certainly don't need to be reminded of it constantly. it's my life, and if you don't understand what it's like for me to live it, then don't keep telling me what to do. it's just not that easy. i know you're only telling me these things because you care and you're worried about me, but you're really not helping me fix anything. they are my problems and i need to fix them my way, when i feel like it. i'm not in denial, i'm fully aware of everything you bring up. so just let me be.
Thursday, May 17, 2001
got a phone call from sean! it really made my day. thanks, sean : )
you know what really irritates me? when i eat something hot (temperature wise) and then my tongue feels weird for several hours after that. i can't stand that. does anyone know how to get rid of that feeling? i would try ice cream but i ran out. i'll go buy some tomorrow. it's starting to get really hot here again so i'll be needing it.
Wednesday, May 16, 2001
i'm so bored...and lazy...and bored...
i thought i was supposed to meet with a professor today to discuss independent study for the summer, but she never set up a meeting time. i tried emailing her yesterday, but didn't receive a reply. so....i have no idea how long i'll be sitting around like this. i guess there are things i should be doing, like laundry, cleaning my apartment, etc. i just keep putting those off. anyway. there isn't much to write about since there isn't much going on in my life. just been watching tv and stuff...nothing too interesting. i've gotten hooked on watching that guy who communicates with people who have died. can't remember his name right now, but he has a show on cable. lately i've become really interested in psychic abilities in general. i don't think that all people who claim to be psychic really are, but i do think there are some genuine ones out there. i'd like to get a reading sometime. but i don't want to pay unless i know the psychic is for real. i'm so skeptical of a lot of them - especially those ones who do it over the phone. those commercials are so fake, i don't know why anyone would call them. anyway. i'm yawning now so i should get to bed. thunder and lightning kept me up most of last night. i need some sleep. during regular hours, not the middle of the day.
Monday, May 14, 2001
oh, by the way - i did eventually decide on a little mother's day greeting to send my mom. she thought it was really cute, so everything worked out. ironically it was one of the first ones i looked at, i guess i just didn't realize it was ok until i saw how bad all the other ones were.
having a blah day. i think i got about 4 hours of sleep last night. woke up really early because of cramps. i usually don't get any, but when i do, they are really bad. i tried going into child's pose, which used to help, but since i haven't done any yoga in so long, my thighs felt too strained doing that. anyway. basically, it was very uncomfortable and i hope the cramps are over now.
there is so much that i should have done today, but i was just so tired and lazy...i hate it when i'm like that. i couldn't even bring myself to do the dishes or cook anything because i felt too tired to stand...all i did was go to the store to buy some fruit. i'm really annoyed because all they have is pears, apples, and oranges. i'm not a big fan of apples and oranges, and i'm so sick of pears now because that's what i always end up getting (unless i get lucky and there are grapes left). i miss california fruit : ( got to chat online with sean for a little bit today, so that was nice. it's been so long! hurry up and get a phone sean.
Saturday, May 12, 2001
i've spent hours trying to look for a virtual mother's day card and it's driving me crazy because i can't find one. i usually prefer getting people real cards not e-cards, but i had some trouble finding real cards. and now it's too late anyway. i guess i haven't looked around ann arbor enough to know where the card stores are. and now i can't even find one online. i tried bluemountain, hallmark, yahoo, and about 100 other sites and all of the mother's day cards are so cheezy or sappy or they just don't make sense for my mom. it's frustrating. i feel bad about it. i think she'll be a little sad if i don't send her something....i guess i'll keep looking...
Thursday, May 10, 2001
i'm trying to figure out how to change some settings for this blog template...oh, duh. i just noticed the "settings" and "template" buttons at the top of the screen just as i was writing that. ok, i'll go do that when i'm done writing this entry. first of all, i decided to not use caps in my blogs. i feel like i'm being too formal when i do. it's really not me. second, i hate feeling like i didn't meet expectations. i'm a perfectionist and i like to do things as well as i can - especially if it is something meaningful to me. but apparently i didn't do this, or at least not to the extent that someone expected me to. i hate being told that i didn't push myself enough, because usually i do push myself quite hard. most of it is just me being anal, but sometimes i am really driven and i work hard to produce something of high quality. so i don't know why i didn't try so hard this time. or why i gave the impression that i didn't. actually, the more i think about it, the more i think that i did a reasonably good job and this other person with the high expectations is the one with the problem. don't get me wrong - i am flattered that she had such high expectations of me, but i mean, you can tell me that without it sounding like you thought i was lazy! some people are just overly critical. i wish she would concentrate on everything i did that was good, rather than focus on things i didn't do.
Tuesday, May 08, 2001
Welcome to my Blog....I don't know if anyone will be reading this, but here goes. First of all, I have to say I was inspired by Milly's Blog and ever since she started one, I thought I should start one too. It's taken me a while, but it's finally here. Writing in it might be weird for me at first, but I'm hoping it will become a place for me to get stuff off my chest, rant and rave, babble, complain, whatever. I guess I'm doing it mainly for myself - and probably to give some of my friends a break from all my email - but I hope some other people will get a kick out of reading it too. I guess that's about it for now. Goodnight.
|
Comments by:
|
