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Friday, June 29, 2001
just wanted to get one last blog in before i left. i've calmed down now. got a cab taking me to the airport for $40, and i think i've got a ride back. so it evens out to what i would have paid for the shuttle, i guess...
anyway. i gotta go make me some dinner real quick. and do some last minute things...i'll be back in about 10 days and i'll probably have a lot to blog about by then. i've gotten so used to blogging every night, i think i'm gonna miss it while i'm gone! have a good 4th of july, whoever reads this. 
Thursday, June 28, 2001
i'm really annoyed right now. i'm leaving for new york tomorrow, but i'm having trouble trying to find a ride to the airport. i usually take a shuttle, but when i called today to make a reservation, they said they are no longer providing service from ann arbor to the airport. i was like what the fuck?!?!? that is so ridiculous. i really do not want to pay $50 for a cab...but it looks like i'll have to. i tried to get in touch with a few people i know who have cars, but i haven't heard back from anyone. it's such short notice too so i doubt they'd be able to take me. this sucks...
i'm not even done packing yet...can't figure out what to take...i'm all stressed now...too many things i need to do before i leave...why do i always find myself in these types of situations?? : (
i just need to vent about how much i hate my computer. it's such a piece of shit. i was in the middle of downloading something - was almost done downloading it actually - and the damn thing re-started itself! i couldn't resume the download from where it left off so now i'm downloading it all over again. and this isn't the first time that has happened. it restarts itself at least a few times a week. it has been like this ever since i got it. i called tech support last year and they said i needed a new modem. i doubted that was the problem but i trusted them anyway, got the modem replaced. and the result? no change at all. still having the same problems. it's so irritating.
Wednesday, June 27, 2001
just re-read my last post and thought of another thing that my professor commented on in class last night: the over-use of the word 'like'. like when someone says 'like' like all the time, like when they're like talking to like, their friends or whatever. (ok, even i don't say 'like' that much, i was just exaggerating to give an example) anyway, when the professor was complaining about this, i was like "he's talking about me!" - he wasn't really, but i mean, i say 'like' a lot more than most of the grad students in my classes. and i use 'like' when i'm blogging too. just noticed that tonight. i guess it goes back to what i was saying before about me not knowing how to speak like an adult...are there any classes for that?? or will it automatically happen as i get older and interact with more adults? i'd hate to go through life speaking like this...
don't really know what to write about...let's see...my apartment's a mess. i've been meaning to clean it all week, but i only partially cleaned the bathroom. the kitchen isn't too bad because i don't cook much. but the rest - well, i just don't know where to start. too much junk in too small a space and it drives me nuts how quickly it becomes like this.
anyway. in my class last night the professor asked me to define 'oxymoron', and i know what an oxymoron is but i just couldn't come up with a definition on the spot like that...i'm so bad with words...i swear, i felt like winona ryder in that scene in "reality bites" when someone asks her to define 'irony' and she's like "irony...it's a noun...it's like when something's...ironic" sounds so dumb, but that is probably exactly what i would do. or like last night, just say "um..." and smile and look around for help...the professor thought i was getting embarrassed, but it wasn't really embarrassment, i just couldn't think of the words to define it. it really bothers me that i'm so bad at speaking and articulating things...i think that's one thing that may prevent me from going back to school later for a phd...that sounds silly when i write it here, but it's true. it's difficult to feel like i belong in grad school when i can't speak like an adult. that's what really made me doubt myself in the beginning. but then as time went on i realized that just because some people are good at speaking and writing, that does not mean that they are smart and talented and that they belong here any more than i do. anyway. i suppose i'll have to deal with speaking regardless of whether i'm in school or working...maybe i just need practice? i don't know if it'll help or not...i don't really have too much of a problem with giving presentations, or talking about something i have prepared myself to talk about...it's just that i have trouble when i need to make something up on the spot. like if someone asks me a question about something that i haven't thought about ahead of time - as it is, i have a difficult time thinking on the spot, but having to come up with the right words to then explain what i'm thinking about? and sound intelligent when i'm doing this? forget it.
forgot to turn on my AC, then when i went to bed it was too hot to sleep. so now i turned it on and i'm waiting for the place to cool down a bit. there are too many bugs flying around and i know they are gonna bite me when i fall asleep. anyway. i have a headache and i don't have shit to say, so i don't know why i'm attempting to blog right now...
Tuesday, June 26, 2001
went to my instructional gaming class tonight...aka the tuesday night gaming club...it's been here since the 60's i think...anyway, i was a little disappointed because there's only 6 of us total so far. usually this class has 25-30 people in it, so this was a surprise...i'm not upset about the size of the class, just the fact that i already know most of the people in it. i was really hoping to meet some new people in this class...it's possible that more will show up later though...
anyway. i need to buy some playing cards. we're supposed to try out the games we learn...i guess i would have to play against myself though...that's what sucks about living alone...who's gonna play card games with me at 1:30 AM on a weeknight?
i got my laptop working after about 10 tries and promptly uninstalled the software...apparently there is a newer version of it online now, and that was what i should have used instead of the version that came on the disk...confusing, but whatever...the support person wrote back at 2:40 AM. weird. but that was nice of him to email so soon. unfortunately my other computer started having all these other problems around then, which is why i switched back to my laptop. *sigh* why do computers give me such headaches? i was trying the audiogalaxy satellite to look for mp3's...maybe not such a great idea...totally slowed down my internet connection so i couldn't do anything while the song was downloading...then it stayed that way even after the downloading was finished! and you know what? it automatically downloaded samples of a song that i didn't ask for...i don't really like that it did that.
anyway...in other news: i just saw alien ant farm's video for "smooth criminal" - it's hilarious. also, do you know what is better than bubble wrap? purple bubble wrap! i didn't know that they make bubble wrap in colors...cool, huh? have you ever seen that site where you can virtually pop bubble wrap? (dont have the URL onhand) anyway, it's not as good as the real thing...pop...pop... sorry, i'm getting kinda goofy now after dealing with all this computer shit. in case you're wondering, i haven't heard from sean yet. either his internet is down again (he was having problems with it all last week) or he just doesn't know what to say to me...could be either...but i think it is more likely that he is having problems getting online. ok i should get to bed now...class starts tomorrow! i'm actually excited i'll have something to do. it's not until 7:30 in the evening so it's not like i have to be up early or anything, but you know...sleeping this late every night is probably not healthy...
Monday, June 25, 2001
computer problems...
i finally got around to installing the antivirus software that U of M gives us...trying to be a responsibe person and protect my computer, etc...but the damn thing is just screwing up my computer instead. i usually have to restart it 2-3 times before i can even use it. when i start it up, it either freezes or i get those blue-screen error messages...thought it was just something funky about this particular computer (because i've had many other problems with it) so i decide to install the software on my more reliable laptop. same problems. well, actually it's even worse on my laptop - i haven't gotten it to work at all since i installed it. tried restarting a few times and then gave up. so i'm just very irritated about the whole thing...
Sunday, June 24, 2001
just worked up the courage to email sean about something that has been bothering me lately...i don't know if it was the right thing to do or not...but i just needed to get stuff out there i guess. i have been avoiding it for a while, just trying to be patient with him because i know he has been going through a difficult time. but how long am i supposed to just sit and wait, you know? i've been reaching out to him a lot lately and not getting much at all in return. something just feels off...i don't know how to explain it really. i know that he cares about me and that he wants us to stay in touch, but...sometimes i guess i just need some sort of indication that he still needs my friendship. i'm not getting that right now. it's really an accumulation of a lot of little things that is leading me to feel that way...and some of it...well, that's just who sean is and i can accept that. but i just wanted to tell him how i felt, get it out in the open. i think i know what he'll say in response. it might piss me off, it might surprise me. who knows. but i feel better for having told him, and i guess that is what i really wanted to gain out of it.
well crap i just lost another post. this one was totally my fault...sorta...
anyway, it was nothing serious this time. i was just writing about tonight's episode of bands on the run. it was a little sad to see harlow get kicked off...i'm going to miss those girls! but i think they'll be fine. i have one of their songs stuck in my head right now - "blue lie". i wish soulcracker could have magically wound up getting kicked off instead - they are so irritating. but i must admit their little vandalism spree made me laugh tonight. as for flickerstick, they kicked ass tonight. i think they'll win easily...as long as merch sales don't determine the winner...hmm...how is the winner chosen anyway? i don't think they've told us. oh well. those guys are tugging at my heart...i felt bad about calling cory an asshole a couple weeks ago. i mean, he knows he fucked up - real bad. true assholes don't know it when they fuck up - or at least they're not the least bit apologetic for it, and they certainly don't regret their actions. cory clearly does...i don't know if his girlfriend will stay with him after watching all this, but i think he's learned some lessons...he's suffering for his mistakes anyway. ok i need to get out of tv-land and back into reality now...
Saturday, June 23, 2001
i'm having a hard time remembering what else i wrote last night...it was so late and everything i wrote was just off the top of my head...i'll try to summarize:
basically, when i'm feeling down or stressed or bothered about something, it's really hard for me to just go around looking pleasant. it's hard for me to initiate conversations with people. it's hard for me to smile. and when i'm not smiling, people usually don't want to talk to me. they don't try to get to know me. they leave me alone. if someone does say something to me, i snap out of my funk right away and i'm really quite friendly. but most people don't know that, so if they see me looking cold and distant, chances are they aren't going to say anything to me. and i'm not going to say anything to them because...well, my mind just gets taken over sometimes and i don't even realize it...no words come out of my mouth, no smile comes on my face, i just sit and stare. so...i don't know what to do about this. and the thing is - it is just perpetuating my feelings of loneliness. the less i talk to people, the more sad i get, and the more sad i get, the less people talk to me. i know i should try to initiate more conversations, but that thought doesn't even enter my mind when i'm feeling so down. and even if it does, i still can't think of anything to say most of the time. my head is too cluttered with things that bring me down. it's so frustrating!! i get so consumed by my sadness...i just don't know how to put that stuff behind me...how to tuck it into a corner somewhere...how to smile through it...and i have a feeling that it won't be possible for me to find happiness until i do learn how.
i was thinking about this song called "Smile" last night. not the Flickerstick song, an old one...i first heard it when Ekaterina Gordeeva skated to it several years ago...and it was in the movie "Chaplin"...anyway, it goes like this:
Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through for you Light up your face with gladness Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile If you just smile so...the question i had posed last night was: how does one put on a smile when there isn't much to smile about? i have always been one of those people who smiles and laughs very easily and very often...so i never really thought about what i look like when i'm not smiling. but last night that guy's comment got me thinking about several other times when people have told me similar things. i remember when i first met sean, he kept asking me why i was so sad...actually, he thought i had been through some sort of trauma...and even after he got to know me, he has told me many times that i should smile more. i thought he was crazy - what are you talking about? i smile all the time! but i guess he was right. there have been many times when complete strangers have told me to smile. and whenever they did, i would smile. and i'd keep smiling after i walked away. it always cheered me up when people did this...just knowing that they cared and were concerned about me...that little reminder was all i needed. i'm having a mental block right now, so i'll continue later...when i remember what else i wrote last night...
i didn't fall asleep until about 5 AM last night...if that's even considered night - birds were chirping by that time. i was upset about losing the post. then i was upset about other things. cried for a while. but i'm ok now. and in the future when my blog entry is getting long-ish i will try to post it often, to minimize the risk of losing it all...
waaaaaahhhhhhh.............
just lost a HUGE post. for no apparent reason. ugh!!! i'm so irritated. it wasn't even blogger's fault or anything...my netscape just all of a sudden said it "performed an illegal operation" - even though i didn't even do anything. i was just re-reading my post before i published...should have just published first, then re-read...fuck fuck fuck...that just makes me so mad. i'd understand if i had clicked on something, but i didn't. i was just looking at the screen. i will re-write tomorrow since it's almost 4 AM now and i need to go to bed. i doubt it will be as articulate and sincere and meaningful as it was the first time i wrote it, but what can i do?? i really thought it was one of the best posts i have written in here. that is why i'm so mad. if it was just me bitching about something, then i wouldn't care. but this was a really important post to me and now it's gone... that's the way my life has been these days so i don't know why i'm surprised...
Friday, June 22, 2001
i passed by someone in the building today on my way out, and he said "Don't look so mean".
now, i don't know this person, so for a total stranger to feel like he had say that...well, i guess it bothered me a little - just the fact that i looked mean enough for someone to say that to me. i'm not a mean person, but i guess i give some people that impression sometimes. or at least i put out this vibe that tells them i'm not approachable, not friendly, not interested in speaking to them...which is not true most of the time...so i don't know why i do this. i'm not like that all the time. but i have been more often than not lately. i need to work on this.
Thursday, June 21, 2001
so i got this random email today...well, actually it was sent to all the grad students here...this girl is starting grad school here in the fall and is looking for a place to live...anyway. i'm not looking for a roommate, but i just felt like replying to her email anyway. i don't know why really..she seemed nice and stuff, and i just thought that i should write her and say hi. it's not something i would normally do, but i just got this feeling...and i'm trying to listen to my gut more often these days. so i emailed her, and we ended up writing back and forth a few times today. i know how hard it is trying to find an apartment here when you live in another state, so i offered to help her out. maybe i'll hang out with her a little when she moves here. we'll see.
Wednesday, June 20, 2001
sometimes i wish blogs were separated by age group. i just get so tired of landing on blogs written by 15 year olds. i don't mean that in a rude way...not really. i mean, there are some 15 year olds out there who do write interesting things...but a lot of these blogs just irritate me because they are so...so...high school. i'm not complaining about them or making them sound trivial - i think it's good that teenagers have blogs and that they use this as an outlet to write about all the things they are going through...and if i were in high school, i might like to read them. but i'm not.
i know i don't have to read anything that doesn't interest me. i could just go back and click on another blog. but it would just make blog-finding so much easier if the titles were color coded or something...one color for the under 18 group, one for the 18-25 group, etc...just a thought. and probably a silly one at that. hell - i probably sound like a high school kid sometimes too. i don't really have a right to be a blog-snob about anything since my blogging probably hasn't been interesting at all lately. anyway. what can i say? i've been in a bad mood lately. so if i'm complaining about something stupid, just know that there's a reason behind it. if everything was hunky-dory, then believe me, i wouldn't be bitching about little things like my teenager-blog-hopping experiences.
was just reading random blogs...a few of them look so nice and clean and readable and it makes me want to redo my layout again. then i come to others that are soooooo ugly and have all these problems and are hard to read, and i think, hey, mine looks pretty good compared to those. so i think i'm content with this layout for now...i'd really like to do something more creative with it eventually, but i don't have any fancy graphics software or anything...and i don't know much about webdesign in general...so that sorta limits me right now.
there's this band on craig kilborn's show right now and they're doing a cover of "smooth criminal" - it's kinda funny.
i'm still soooooooooo bored. i can't even thinking of anything to write about tonight. nothing really on my mind. although i have been wondering why i'm not getting any email. it's been a few days. ok, i guess i've gotten a couple junk-emails from websites or whatever...but i didn't even have to read those before deleting them. no one i know has emailed in days...has everyone disappeared?
do you ever just not feel like going to sleep even though you are really tired? i've been like this the past few nights. i think what happens is i go to bed and i start thinking about things. but i don't want to think, i just want to sleep. when i start thinking, i can't sleep. so i might as well just not go to bed. instead i can mess around on my computer mindlessly. maybe getting a book would help. maybe not. uh. something weird is going on. i am using internet explorer instead of netscape right now and it's doing weird things. it's late. i should go to bed. otherwise i'm going to have a really hard time getting out of bed in the morning. i just want to say this: i hate ladybugs. i hate bugs in general, but ladybugs are very annoying little fuckers. one flew in here during the storm. i'm thankful there's only one though. i've had many more. ok, i'm going now.
Tuesday, June 19, 2001
about 10 more days then i'm off to new york...just have to make it through these 10 dreary days...i swear, i am going insane due to the boredom. today the only bit of excitement i had was getting to watch all the lightning. storms here are kinda crazy. we hardly ever get lightning like that in california...
anyway, i decided not to go to the wedding in new york...i'm just going to hang out and spend the 4th of july there. i got tickets to "cabaret" and "kiss me, kate" (gotta get my broadway fix). and i'll probably go shopping, although it might be better if i don't. i have way too many clothes and shoes that i don't wear as it is...i tend to buy a lot of clothes when i'm depressed, and i don't think clearly sometimes when i buy them, so then they just end up sitting around in my closet gathering dust...but i get so much pleasure out of shopping...it cheers me up, you know? i'm not even really into clothes so i don't understand it, but it just makes me feel good when i get some new ones. i am a girl after all.
Monday, June 18, 2001
i didn't really have much luck at amazon. how am i supposed to choose a book online anyway? i should go to a bookstore instead. although i do like reading other people's opinions...helps me decide...the thing that annoyed me about amazon was that there weren't even short descriptions of the books. i don't want to get a book without knowing what it's about. some of them have reviews i can read, and some of these reviews tell you what the story is about, but a lot of them don't. and well, who knows who is writing some of these reviews anyway. this one book had a 5 star rating, but then i looked at the reviews, and saw that there was only one review by a 14 year old. no offense to that girl, but i'd like some other opinions too... *sigh*
anyway. i think i'm just in a really bad mood right now, have been for a few days, so i'm getting easily irritated. i don't even feel like reading a book now - i just want something to occupy my mind so that i'll stop thinking about other things that are depressing me...
i watched the tv movie "into thin air" tonight. i'm sure the book is much, much better...maybe i'll read it sometime...i say that about a lot of books though and i hardly ever actually read them. sometimes i try reading, but my attention span is so short that if i don't get into the book right away, i usually don't have the patience to continue. my mind jumps around too much, and i can end up taking an hour to read just a few pages. it really bothers me that i don't read much. i do like books, i have since i was a little kid. but i think when i got to college i stopped reading anything for pleasure - had to do enough reading for my classes. even in high school, now that i think about it, all the books i read were for my classes. sometimes i got to choose the book, but really, i probably woudn't have read them if i didn't have to write reports on them...anyway. i'm really impressed by people who are well-read - i think it shows in their writing and speaking, and in their general knowledge. i wish i had gotten in the habit of reading earlier in life, because it's difficult to start now...now that i am hooked on the internet and tv and music...i did get myself to read a few books last summer, but this summer...nothing really...kinda trying to read some textbooks for one of my classes last semester, which i didn't read during the semester...but those don't count...i want to read something entertaining, something profound, something beautiful, something touching...hmm...maybe i should stop blogging and go look for something on amazon...
Sunday, June 17, 2001
look, i got my background to work on internet explorer now! aren't you proud of me?!? it was just a simple little thing in the pre-existing code which i didn't really pay attention to before...but i still think it's weird that netscape and internet explorer interpreted it differently. anyway. i hope that those of you who use internet explorer like the background, now that you can see it.
like my little stor trooper? it doesn't really look that much like me, but it's the closest i could do...actually this was my first one, which i made when i was just messing around trying it. i made a better one later, but then i had trouble saving it. i'm sure i'll go make more when i feel like changing my outfit : )
sorry, you don't have any new mail
those are the most depressing words sometimes... and then i click the check mail button again because i'm convinced there must be some mistake. but there isn't. and to top that off, i didn't even have any snail mail. yes, i know it's sunday, but i haven't checked mail since thursday, so i thought i'd at the very least have some junk by now. nope. i am mail-less. and male-less.
Saturday, June 16, 2001
i got to chat a little bit with sean last night...probably just a few minutes, but it was spread over about an hour it seemed. i think his computer kept crashing and then he finally gave up on it. then mine froze too. it's so annoying when that happens. anyway. i miss talking to him. we used to chat online all the time, but the past few months it has been rare. i feel very out of touch sometimes...wonder what he is doing today...wonder what his cat is like...wonder what kind of job he interviewed for...i didn't get a chance to ask him much yesterday. although i did find out why he named his cat mandu. (hint: think of a city in nepal...)
i think i really just need to find something to fill up my day with. so i'd have other things to think about.
if anyone can explain to me why my background shows up in netscape but not in internet explorer, please let me know. it's really confusing me.
Friday, June 15, 2001
ok it didn't actually hail here, but they said it might hail on the news earlier today and i couldn't figure out how it could possibly hail when it was this hot out...a thunderstorm came and went, it got really windy and rainy, but was still pretty darn hot. i don't see how ice could form when it's that hot.
anyway. do you ever wonder how some people turn out to be incredibly rude? like, having no tact. having no sense of humor. overreacting by getting angry at people who mean no harm. god, i just want to shake her sometimes and tell her to lighten up!!! and other people i know want to do worse - to let her know just how bitchy she can be. to tell her she's wrong. to put her in her place. you'd think she'd know better - she's not stupid. but sometimes i just wonder how she turned out the way she did. her family isn't like that...well, maybe her mom is a little, but not THAT bad. anyway. so how does she get by in life being like that? how does she have friends? how did she get a nice guy to fall in love with her? do they just accept her for being like that? do they think that's just the way she is and they can't tell her anything about it or ask her to try to work on that?
it's about 90 degrees and it's supposed to hail?!?! someone explain this to me. i don't understand...
Thursday, June 14, 2001
if reading this blog hurts anyone's eyes (because of the color), please let me know. it looks fine on my computer, but i don't want to strain anyone's eyes. if it looks too bright on most computers then i can try a different color.
i got an email from someone who was concerned that she might hurt people's feelings if she wrote about them in her blog. it got me thinking about whether it's better for blogs to be anonymous. i wouldn't consciously write something bad about someone who i know for a fact reads this blog, but sometimes i do find myself worrying "What if ______ reads this??"...chances are probably slim that someone who doesn't know about my blog would find it and read it, but seeing as how my site is not the least bit anonymous, it can happen pretty easily.
in the beginning i think i was more conscious of that, trying not to refer to specific people in a bad context. but then i just stopped worrying about it for some reason. maybe i should be a little more careful about what i write in here...i really like just letting my thoughts pour out freely...and i like having people read what i write...but perhaps i should move this blog to a less obvious site...i'll think about it. actually i've been wanting to move my whole website to somewhere that does not have any part of my name in the address...i got screwed when geocities and yahoo joined together and i couldn't figure out how to use my geocities id. and i've just kept it here because i was lazy and i wasn't planning on putting anything really personal on it...that's changed! so...yeah...i'll see about moving the whole thing one day...just gotta come up with a good name first...
Wednesday, June 13, 2001
everything was intact. took me a minute to find my razor, but most of the other stuff stayed inside because only one of the suction cups slid down a bit. i think it was the pumice stone that caused the loud noise...anyway...i'm sure this is really captivating information and all but my head's a little fuzzy today so i'm signing off.
sorry for all those posts when i was working on my template. i was getting a little frustrated. brought back bad memories of CS classes at berkeley...looking at all this code and not being able to figure out what the fuck was wrong with it...but i don't want to get started writing about that. my allergies are bugging me. it's hot. i'm bored. let's see...i was supposed to explain what i meant about that girl i wrote about last night...but i don't think i'm any more coherent today than i was yesterday, so...i don't know what i can say about that...i guess i was just wondering is it better to be socially inept or annoyingly social?
lost my train of thought because i was just treated to a fireworks show. i have no idea what that was about, but that type of thing just doesn't happen in berkeley. there aren't random fireworks going off at 1 AM on a weeknight. (unless it's 4th of july, which today is not) too many people would complain about it. same with really loud music being blasted in the middle of the night. anyway. shit. something just fell in my bathroom. i bought this shower caddy thing that i could put up with suction cups, but i think i overloaded it last night with some of the stuff i got in that package. i better go see if i can put it back up. i hope nothing broke or spilled.
ok, fixed that little problem...i've still got a few minor things to change, but this is good enough for now. hope you like it. but don't get too attached, i'll probably change it again in a few weeks when i get tired of it.
whoops...totally screwed up my table somehow...hmm...ok, this might take me a while. i don't understand, it was just fine a minute ago...
taking a break now...i'll work on changing the font and link colors later...hope this doesn't bother anyone.
i'm making changes to my template. this might look funny for a little while as i try to work out the kinks.
Tuesday, June 12, 2001
just remembered something i wanted to write about. there's this girl in my building, i met her last weekend along with a neighbor. i assumed they were a couple, but i guess not... i saw her in the lobby today taking to a bunch of other interns (all male). she is like, super friendly. i was watching her, and she was just such a pro at the socializing, flirting, whatever you want to call it. she'd be talking to one guy about going out to a bar, then the next minute she'll be talking to another guy, and the first guy would be looking at her wondering what was going on...it was just so easy for her to start talking to these guys and making plans with them, even though she didn't seem to know them too well. i know that i have told myself that i should be more like that...but watching her, i was so glad i wasn't like that. if that's the way to get a social life here, i don't want one. i don't think i'm explaining this well...but basically, she just seemed really fake, and she seemed like her whole objective was to...how do i put this?? play the field? she just seemed like she really wanted to hook up, not with anyone in particular, but...oh nevermind. i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i'll try to explain better tomorrow maybe. ok...i'm off to try my new cleanser now...
i love asparagus, but damn it makes my pee stink! too much information?
i feel like blogging some more tonight even though i don't really have much to say...i've been working on a new template. i'll have it up soon i hope. maybe tomorrow. i'm not sure about the colors (as usual). but i guess i can go ahead and put in the new template, then just keep changing the colors to get some variety whenever i feel like i need a change. i think the reason i started feeling sick last night had to do with some grapes i ate. as soon as i was done, my throat started feeling weird. then a little later i almost threw them up. then i just didn't feel right, so i went to bed. when i woke up in the morning, my throat was hurting a lot. i thought i was getting really sick. but, i've felt fine all day. i'm hesitant to eat the rest of the grapes now...it seems silly to think that grapes would cause such a reaction, but i don't know what else it could have been. better safe than sorry. i think i'll throw them out. oh - i got my package from dermadoctor.com today! i love that site - all sorts of cool stuff for your skin and face. i was really temped to buy this $40 masque, but i told myself that was ridiculous and i should just get a cheaper drug store one instead. i did buy some other stuff from the site though...mostly because the weather here is making me break out and nothing has been working too well...anyway. i just get really excited about trying new products. in fact, i think i'll go try them out right now...
been reading Milly's blog...interesting stuff...i feel like she wants to say something, but she is hesitant. maybe because she's unsure of how people will react. i'm curious what it is though...i think her good friends would agree with me that there is nothing for her to be worried about or scared of. i like her for who she is now, and nothing's going to change that. everyone has flaws, everyone has done things we're not proud of, but that's what makes us who we are.
i attempted to make some pasta puttanesca (or something like that) tonight. this was the first time i've attempted to make pasta sauce from scratch. usually i either add stuff to store-bought sauces, or i use those mixes that come in packets. but since i'm not busy doing anything else these days, i thought i'd try making some of my own sauce tonight. and i did make it, no disasters. but...it didn't taste good. at all. i think i underestimated the amount of tomatoes i'd need. but i convinced myself that it wouldn't have tasted good even with more tomatoes, so maybe it's just a bad recipe. or maybe i really have no idea what i'm doing when it comes to the kitchen. i wish i was more like my parents in that respect - they both have such a good sense of what will taste good and they can make up the recipe as they go along. granted, they have had many years' worth of experience cooking, whereas i have basically none. but i just don't think i have that "cooking gene" in me. the "eating gene" on the other hand... : )
Monday, June 11, 2001
i was bored so i took a personality test at advisorteam.com. it said i was a guardian:
Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working. Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders. Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions. Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice. i guess that sounds like me...but i think it sounds like a lot of people. i didn't order the detailed report becuase i wouldn't want to pay for something like that, especially because some of the questions they asked were weird. there were quite a few that i could have answered either way. some i didn't know the answers to, and on others i felt like i was neither of the choices. basically just closed my eyes and picked one. so i don't know about the accuracy of this test. like i said, i just took it because i was bored. got nothing meaningful out of it really. and now i am bored again. i think i'll go to bed early. not feeling too well.
it's soooooooooo hot today. and it's going to be even hotter for the next few days. yuck. i know i said i wanted the sun to come out, but i've changed my mind. bring back those clouds and the rain and the cool breezes, please!!!
Sunday, June 10, 2001
just saw mariah carey's new video. she is becoming sluttier and sluttier year after year..she just looks like such a...well, nevermind. she just seems very self-absorbed and like she is using her body to sell instead of her voice and her music. i guess that is the way things are these days - especially for someone like her, since she can't dance. i thought she had talent when she first came out (not that i knew much, i was only about 13), but now she just seems so unintelligent and her videos are so...pointless (unless you like watching her touch herself). if she likes to dress like that, fine. but she should at least make the videos about something other than showing off her body.
i hate bugs...i think the mosquitos are starting to arrive...and there are plenty of other stange bugs flying around too. i have a net on my window, but some find their way in anyway, so now i have bites all over my body : (
tonight i watched bands on the run...i'm not a huge fan of this whole reality tv craze, but i have enjoyed watching this show for some reason. i think the people in it are less fake than the people on other "reality" shows, but at the same time, they have these crazy lifestyles, so that makes it interesting. plus i like some of flickerstick's music, and i also like watching amanda from harlow when she's singing and she gets really into it...she starts making these facial expressions...
anyway. so tonight this guy from the show - cory, from flickerstick i think...i get some of the members of flickerstick mixed up with some from soulcracker sometimes, so i apologize if i have the wrong guy...anyway he was being a total asshole. i've liked him from the beginning - i mean, he's attractive and he also seemed like a nice guy, compared to some of the others. i didn't necessarily like the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend so much, but he seemed to be remorseful about it so i felt sorry for him or whatever...but tonight he was being such an asshole to this other girl, and it was just completely rude. i think i understand why he did it, but...well, there's a better way to deal with a woman than to be an asshole and hope she leaves. a lot of guys take this approach for some reason. is it really better to break a girl's heart than to tell her the truth??? if he liked this girl as much as he said he did when he met her, then he should have had the decency to tell her what the deal was. instead, he turned into an asshole, and this girl (who he could have potentially at least remained friends with) probably never wants to speak to him again. it's just sad that guys act this way. maybe i'm taking this a little too personally - i mean, it is a tv show after all - but i think most girls will experience something of this sort from a guy at some point in their lives. i know i have anyway. is it really so much easier for some guys to be assholes? do they think they are hurting us less this way?
Saturday, June 09, 2001
you ever feel like eating something specific but can't figure out what? i've been feeling like that since around 6 this evening. still haven't hit the spot. i keep wandering around my kitchen looking for something but nothing is appealing to me. it's annoying.
ok, i think i'll try out this dusty rose-ish color for a while. any opinions on it? was the green i had before better? send me a line if you have any opinion on the matter. it's a little mellower than what i had before. but it might be a tad too pink for me. i'll try it out for a few days and see...actually, i want to fix up my whole template, but i haven't decided what to do yet...
i am sooooooo bored right now. don't have anything to say really. just killin some time. i think i'll try some different colors for this background...
ok, tried about 20 colors...now i have to choose among the finalists... all this experimenting with different colors is reminding me of the song that goes a little something like this: red yellow green red blue blue blue red yellow green purple orange red red red yellow green red blue blue blue red yellow green purple orange red red mix them up and what do you get? something beige tan aqua something something ultramarine and all the colors inbetween!!
Friday, June 08, 2001
cyberbears crack me up sometimes. leave it to cal fans to turn a sports issue into a thread on food quality in the bay area...here's the specific thread i'm referring to. (please ignore the fact that "ridiculous" is spelled incorrectly - usually if someone from another school makes any spelling errors they are sure to jump on that, but they tend to let it slide when one of their own does it.)
i forgot that i wanted to write about the moon - i just noticed something interesting about it tonight. i guess because of all the pollution from cars here, when the moon first comes up above the horizon, it's this really deep red color. cool, but kinda freaky too. then after it comes up a little more, it turns bright orange. as it gets higher and higher, it becmes more normal. it's really quite odd to watch the moon change colors though. i guess i've seen it look a little orangish now and then back home when it's smoggy, but i've never seen it look this red before.
i was watching fleetwood mac's "the dance" tonight. i've seen in before, probably a few times, but sean has talked so much about the look that lindsey gives stevie after she sings "landslide" and goes over to hug him. so i watched it again to pay closer attention to that part. it's a really sweet and touching moment, and that look he gives her - priceless. after all those years and after all they've been though...*sigh*
and the music's good too.
Thursday, June 07, 2001
regarding item #1 below, the girl's name is shannon elizabeth. you can see a pic on mtv.com somewhere if you are really interested. the caption reads: "Is it American Pie 2, or do I see 2 American Pies?"
and it looked a lot more see-through on stage than it does in the pic (can't link it because it's in a pop-up, and i don't particularly want to put the pic in this blog because i'm not into looking at half-naked women)
a few thoughts to share tonight:
1) i watched a little bit of the MTV movie awards, and this one girl (from american pie i think, i don't know her name) was wearing...well...let's just say she might as well have been naked from the waste up because the top she was wearing left basically nothing to the imagination. it was, in my opinion, much worse than what lil kim was wearing. lil kim seemed to get the most attention for her, um, pasties, but at least those pasties were covering her nipples, which is more than i can say for that other girl. i had no problem with jennifer lopez's grammy and oscar clothes or lil kim's outfits, but damn this was just over the top. i didn't notice until she got onstage, so maybe she didn't realize just how sheer it was either - who knows. i guess if she has breasts she might as well show them off while she can... 2) i love it when david letterman has rupert go out wearing a hat and glasses and he makes him repeat whatever letterman is telling him to say. it just cracks me up. that's all. i hadn't seen him do that in a long time, but he showed some clips tonight and they were pretty hilarious...i hope he starts doing that again. 3) sean can say the sweetest things sometimes. other times he is a complete boob of course, but when he says something sweet it is very, very, very sweet. i think it's because he is so sincere when he says things like that. i was thinking about what i wrote last night, and really, sean has been such a good friend to me for the past 3 years. i feel a comfort with him that i don't feel with most people. even if we are just friends, it's nice to have someone who i can be honest with. i never have to put up a front or hide anything from him...i can just be myself and know that he likes me that way. it makes me feel better about things...
Wednesday, June 06, 2001
i got a call from a high school friend today, someone i haven't spoken to in about 6 months. it was nice to hear from her. i'm only in touch with a few people from high school, and i hardly ever hear from most of them...talking to her today, i felt kinda sad about it. she mentioned that she went to a movie with some other friends from high school, and i found myself feeling a little envious, envious of her for having stayed friends with them for all this time. she still talks to them a lot and hangs out with them, and has all through college. part of me wishes i had too. i don't know why i didn't. a few of us went to the same college, so i did hang out with them occasionally freshman year, or at least we'd go to lunch sometimes. but after that we sort of went our separate ways. or at least i did. i don't know. at that point in my life i think i was searching for myself, trying different things and with different people. didn't quite know where i fit in and with whom. but anyway. it kind of hurts that other people have remained friends with the same group of people that they were friends with in high school, yet i haven't. i do have a few really good friends who i have known for a long time, and i'm thankful for them. but sometimes i just wish i had...well, just a group of people that i felt like i belonged to...people that would be in touch with me on a consistent basis for years and years...people who could provide comfort and familiarity, allowing me to feel at home whenever i was in their company. i am envious of people who have this type of family of friends. whenever i had one, or thought one was beginning to form, it ended up just crumbling apart. partially due to me maybe, but partially due to others as well. maybe i didn't realize what they could have been to me at the time. maybe they didn't want what i wanted. i'm not sure. i don't know how or why some people manage to keep friendships alive for a long time and others don't. i'd really like to learn how though.
Tuesday, June 05, 2001
if you couldn't guess already, i did end up going to chicago with my mom. we were only there for about 24 hours, but i liked what little i saw of it. we basically just did touristy stuff (sears tower, hancock observatory, navy pier, etc)...ate some gooooood pizza...saw a friend who i haven't seen or spoken to in several years...went to the art institute (loved it)...that's about it. we came back last night, and my mom left this afternoon. but my refrigerator is full of food now, so i plan on enjoying it while it lasts.
i probably have more to write about but i'm kinda tired right now - haven't gotten much sleep the past few days, and my legs are sore from walking all over chicago. ok, i guess that is partially due to me not getting any exercise at all over the past few weeks. it did feel really good to walk around a lot and get fresh air...i should do that more often. but ann arbor is not chicago so i don't really feel the urge to explore. anyway. i'm yawning right now so i think i should go to bed early tonight. i'll write more tomorrow.
Sunday, June 03, 2001
didn't write last night so i thought i'd do it now since i've got nothing better to do really...
my mom came and got bored within an hour. she did cook dinner for me though - i ate a lot. that felt good. anyway. then she was getting restless and suggested we drive to toronto today. i convinced her we should go to chicago instead - it's closer and there's probably more to do there. so i got up early today all excited about going to chicago - i've never been there before and i've wanted to go since i've moved here. but...this is my mom and she's moody and it looks like she doesn't want to go anymore. i'm not sure. i've been up for an hour, and i just got her out of bed now. i hope we go - i've been so bored here and i'd really like to go somewhere new. she changes her mind really easily so i have no idea what we're doing. but i'm starving now so i hope she makes breakfast! : )
Friday, June 01, 2001
remind me not to make pasta in alfredo sauce ever again. i don't even like it that much so i don't know why i tried tonight. just wanted a change from the usual tomato sauce i guess. tonight's first attempt resulted in a minor kitchen disaster. but i made a second attempt anyway. it wasn't too bad to eat. but cleaning up afterwards - ugh. i wish i had a dishwasher. my sink is split in 2 so it can be difficult to wash pots and pans in general. add the fact that alfredo sauce can be kinda...sticky...and well, gross...and why did i make so much anyway? i thought i'd have some for lunch tomorrow. but it's kind of heavy. and i've had trouble digesting food lately, so it just wasn't going down too well tonight. i think i'll end up throwing the rest out. that's what i did the last time i made some, several months ago. i should try to learn from my cooking mistakes - that is the moral of this otherwise pointess story.
the neighbors are bugging the hell out of me. i think someone is either moving in or moving out, but everytime they leave the apartment, they bump something into my door! it's so obnoxious. plus there was some big commotion this morning, went on for a long time...something about their bathroom being a mess. i'm not sure. the maintenance people were outside my door talking about it for a long time, then the next thing i know there is major scraping and pounding going on in the bathroom next door, which just happens to be right behind the wall where my bed is.ugh - more loud noise! i think they keep pushing their door so hard it pounds into a wall or something. anyway. i need to take a shower - it's like 2 and i'm still in my pj's sitting in bed. my feet are cold.
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