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Tuesday, July 31, 2001
by the way, feel free to leave a comment even if i don't know you...i'd like to hear from anyone who happens to read my blog...
i really need to get my lazy ass to do the dishes. i just haven't been in the mood at all lately. i look at all of them piled up in my sink, and i just don't have any desire to start washing them...i guess the same goes for the rest of my apartment. it looks really bad right now. i keep saying i'll clean it up, but i never do. and it's not like i'm so busy doing anything else...i just feel this lack of energy...especially when it's hot...
anyway...you know what else bugs me? when bread has a big hole in the middle. i bought some sliced french bread, mainly because i wanted to make grilled cheese sandwiches. now, usually there are 4-6 slices in the middle that have little holes in them, but this last loaf i bought has only 4-6 slices (at the ends) that do not have holes in them. the majority of the slices have holes big enough for ping pong balls to go through them. i'm not even exaggerating. anyway. so i can't make grilled cheese sandwiches using those slices because all the cheese would come out!! i don't even like making regular sandwiches with them because...well, who wants a sandwich with a hole in it???
Monday, July 30, 2001
ok, i decided to try out reblogger, so do me a favor and leave a comment so i can see if it works...
i was just reading some strangers' blogs, and i realized that i miss having crushes. it's been at least 2 years since i've had a crush on anyone...i know i might be getting too old for that, but i just miss that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you're around someone you like...actually i barely even remember what it feels like since it's been so long...there's one guy i see around my building a lot - very cute, but he's got a girlfriend and i've barely talked to him at all. i was also attracted to this other guy i met last fall, but then i saw the wedding band on his finger...that's about it. nothing major. and i just don't develop attractions to guys that i chat with online...tried with a few guys, but it's just not the same...
i'm sure that back when i did have a crush, i probably wished that i didn't. they're funny that way - how it can kinda bother you when you have a crush on someone, but how you miss it when you don't...
milly's back!!! yay!!! i've missed reading her blog these past couple of weeks...
what's up with all these viruses going around? i got one yesterday and one today. i deleted them but i still get all paranoid...
i think i am going to have problems with the apartment situation...i talked to someone today and she said that the property manager wouldn't walk through my apartment when all my stuff is in it because she wouldn't be able to make a proper assessment of the damages...so i think at the end of my lease, i'm going to end up being charged for things that i didn't do - nails in the walls, stains on the carpet, etc...just my luck...what i really want to do now is move out. find a fall sublet. i probably won't be able to, but if i do, i am so outta here. it just pisses me off that all of this could have been avoided if my adviser had given me better advice about which classes to take when, so that i could have graduated in august instead of december!!!
Sunday, July 29, 2001
yup, it disappeared. ok...well...it wasn't important...i just said something about how now that i can make changes to my blog template again, i can't remember the hex # for the color i wanted...so i just made the title bigger...why? i don't know...bored or something...damn sudafed is getting to me right now so i'm having difficulties typing. going to bed now.
my allergies are acting up again. it sucks.
i've been trying to find tickets to go home, but i haven't had much luck. only found two airlines which had some for under $300 - spirit, which i decided i would never fly again, and american, which takes 8 hours because it stops in dallas. so neither of those options is appealing to me. i can't even decide when to go, so that's another problem. at first i thought about leaving at the end of august and staying through labor day weekend (that way i get to go to a cal game while i'm there! : ), but part of me wants to go back earlier, like next week, since my class will be over...i'm not sure...i have to be here when my sublease is up to take care of some things, so that's why i can't go home for the whole time. so i don't know whether i should go back before or after that date...i can't think right now...
i was staring out my window watching the lightning show tonight...it was pretty amazing. i have never seen that much lightning before. and it went on for a pretty long time. i tried counting how many strikes per minute - it seemed like it was 80-100 for a while. crazy.
but we got some rain! yay!
Saturday, July 28, 2001
i found out other people have been unable to make changes to their blog templates as well, so it's not just me.
other than that, not much to write about. lunch was so-so. what else can i expect from japanese food in michigan? but we walked around a lot afterwards, so that was nice. i really miss going on long walks. i just don't feel up to it when it's humid and gross. today was such a nice day though...i wish it were like this more often. sean emailed me to tell me about this guy he works out with who is at least 6'10" and 370 pounds. sean for the first time in his life feels small. can you imagine if i ever met this guy? my god, i would be like up to his knees or something...anyway, the imagery in his email had me laughing for a while. i'm thinking this guy is like that big guy in "the green mile". but really built. and with yellow teeth. sean does have a tendency to exaggerate though, so i think i need to see it to believe it.
i really need to go to bed, but i don't feel the least bit sleepy...i'm supposed to meet some people for lunch at 12:30 tomorrow, but that's what time i got out of bed this morning! that probably explains why i'm not tired right now, huh? i tried to get up earlier, i really did. but i just felt so exhausted this morning. my body refused to move. my eyes refused to stay open. so i just stayed in bed. as i often do these days, since i haven't really had a pressing reason to get up. hopefully tomorrow morning i'll remember that i have plans...
Friday, July 27, 2001
just took another one of those online tests that tell you about yourself after you answer some questions. this one was on religious beliefs. i never really thought of myself as being a religious person, but i guess i am, sort of. i just don't belong to any of the more conventional religions. anyway, here were my results: (it basically tells you how much your beliefs match with those of world religions - i'm only listing the top 15 out of 27)
1. Unitarian Universalism (100%) 2. Liberal Quakers (94%) 3. Reform Judaism (81%) 4. Neo-Pagan (78%) 5. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (77%) 6. Secular Humanism (72%) 7. New Age (71%) 8. Sikhism (63%) 9. Bahá'í Faith (61%) 10. Mahayana Buddhism (58%) 11. Theravada Buddhism (58%) 12. Taoism (54%) 13. Atheists and Agnostics (47%) 14. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (45%) 15. Orthodox Judaism (45%) Hinduism came in 22nd (26%). kinda odd because that is what i have been raised around. not that my parents are very religious, but in some ways i did think that hindu beliefs were a larger part of me than any other religion. guess not according to this test. but i was tempted to answer some questions in a way that would have made me "more hindu". i had to stop myself and think first to make sure i was being objective, not just selecting the hindu-ish answers subconsciously. i guess i could have also answered the questions with a different frame of mind and come out more agnostic. because i don't really think it is possible to know whether or not there is a supreme being. but on the other hand, religion isn't just about the presence of a god, it's about how you live your life and how you act towards others. so what do i think of my results? well...see...i guess in my line of thinking, i don't believe in organized religion. i believe that everyone has internal, personal religions - they follow their own ideas and beliefs. i don't think that people should be told they have to pray, or that they have to go to church on certain days, or that they need to follow rules if they want to go to heaven. these things might help some people, and it might be important to some people, and that's great for them. but it doesn't do anything for the rest of us. i had never heard of unitarian universalism before, and after reading about it...well, it seems to be very diverse, including people of a variety of beliefs. so that's cool. nothing to really disagree with.
Thursday, July 26, 2001
just finished watching janeane garofalo...i wish she could have stayed on longer. it seems like she was only on for a few minutes. she's so funny though, i really like her sense of humor. i actually saw her in person during my freshman year. she and julia sweeny came to do some stand-up in berkeley, and i was an usher for their show. i should have talked to her then. i had a chance, but...guess i got shy...i mean, what was i supposed to say anyway? she doesn't seem like the type who would want some 18 year old gushing over her telling her how funny she is. actually, i barely even recognized her - she is really tiny in person. my roommate and i saw her in the hallway and were debating over whether it was her or not...we couldn't tell at all...it was funny. she walked right past us and smiled. i think it was kind of obvious we were staring at her, and maybe she even heard us say "but she's so skinny!". having only seen her in "reality bites" and on SNL, we were quite shocked at how petite she is in real life.
anyway...one more good thing about today: there's a nice cool breeze outside. i'm sitting by the window right now and enjoying it. might not need the AC tonight...
ok, i guess i've been complaining too much lately, so here are some good things about today:
- i actually got a decent amount of water in the shower. - someone emailed me about a possible short-term job for august. - a stranger told me my blog is interesting (thanks dan!). - janeane garofalo's on conan tonight. that's about all i can think of right now...but it's better than nothing. a few years ago i actually kept a mini-journal in which i would only write about good things - anything that made me smile that day, anything that made me feel good. i'd try to record at least one thing everyday. could be something really small and mundane, it didn't matter. some days it was easy, other days it was really difficult, but for the most part i was able to come up with something good about each day before i went to bed. i think i'll try doing that in my blog now, in addition to all my usual compaining...
i keep trying to change the background color in my template, but it doesn't save the changes. i click on "save" and i publish and i open up my page, and everything looks exactly the same. i go back to the template, and the color is back to what it was before. kinda strange, isn't it? maybe it's some bug or something...i don't know...i've tried a few times but it just doesn't want to change...
Wednesday, July 25, 2001
i feel like i have more to say but i don't know what. i'm just such a mess. my apartment is a mess. my class schedule is a mess. some of my friendships are a mess. my whole life is a mess.
*sigh* i just want everything to be in order for a while. i don't want to have stress in my life right now. i want everything to be laid out, i want everything to be as i expected it to be, i want no more disappointments... at the very least i think i deserve just a little bit more good luck than i have been getting lately...
you know, i was doing ok for the past month or so, but today i just got so depressed all of a sudden. finding out about those classes...it was just the last straw. i feel like nothing ever goes my way. especially since coming here, i've felt like everything has gone wrong in one way or another. why does my life have to be so tough??? enough already. i'm tired. i just want something good to happen to me.
i am really screwed...
2 of the classes i really wanted to take next semester (which i should have enrolled in like 2 months ago but didn't because i was an idiot) are full!!! and the wait lists are full too!!! i didn't know it was even possible for graduate courses get that full...i didn't enroll in the classes earlier because they had pre-reqs which i haven't taken so i thought i needed instructor approval. i emailed them, but they never replied...and these classes are in another department, so i don't have priority anyway...ugh!!! as it is i'm in trouble because i needed another school of ed elective since that one professor screwed up my plans for independent study this summer... i hate michigan.
Tuesday, July 24, 2001
by the way, i didn't mean to single out the foreign students that way - i wasn't complaining about them because they are foreign, just commenting on something that i've noticed while living here. i'm not saying that all of them are rude, but i seriously doubt that an american student would have done what these particular people in the elevator did. it might be a cultural thing or whatever. i don't know. i just find it strange personally when people would rather laugh at you than help you out, particularily if you are of a different ethnicity than they are. (but i have had similar issues with some indian guys in my building as well, so it's not all about ethnicity).
some people in my building are so rude. i don't think they mean to be, but a lot of them are international students and...well, they're weird. i got kinda pissed tonight - i was in an elevator with 3 other people. i live on the top floor, and i didn't pay any attention to what floor these other people were getting off on...i'm just so used to being the last one off the elevator, and there is almost always a stop before i reach my floor. anyway...so we go up and the elevator stops, and the three of them get out, and then they turn and start pointing and laughing at me. i'm like what the fuck? then i realize it's my floor, just as the doors are closing.
now tell me, isn't there something they could have said to me, rather than laughing at me hysterically?? you might think they were trying to tell me something when they pointed, but it wasn't like that. it was more like one of them pointed while looking at another to say "Look at that stupid girl, she doesn't know it's her floor!". (i couldn't tell exactly what he said since i don't speak their language, but that's what it seemed like he was saying) i was out of it. big deal. why make such a commotion and laugh about it as you walk down the hall?? why couldn't they just look at me and say something so simple as "floor 19" - you don't have to be proficient in English to say that! better yet, hold the door for me. the guy should have done that. it's just the polite thing to do. at the very least, they shouldn't have laughed at me like that. it really irritated me.
hmm...i should probably change the title of my blog seeing as how i'm rambling more and more during the day time as well...
it's really hot here. well, not so much in my air conditioned apartment, but outside. and i'll have to go outside at some point this evening to go to class...but since i know how hot it is, i don't feel like going at all. heat really bothers me. i can handle the cold weather much better. i am so thankful i have an air conditioner...whenever we had heat waves back in california, i would be miserable. i'd go to the movies or the mall just to be somewhere that was cool...there were times i was tempted to just go sit in my car simply because of the air conditioner. but back there, at most we'd get about 7-10 really hot days spread out over the year. so it's difficult to get used to this weather in michigan where it's super-hot for half the year and super-cold the other half. some may call it seasons, but i think it is torture.
i still don't have anything in particular to say but i'm not sleepy and there's nothing else to do...
let's see...downloaded some mp3's...is it just me, or is the average quality of mp3's getting worse and worse? some are ok, but a lot of them sound crappy...unclear...changes in volume...and aside from that, they keep skipping when i play them. i never noticed this until recently...i think it's a problem with my computer. but it's weird because it never used to do that...i did tend to get bad quality mp3s from napster, so i never really because a napster-addict...i used to use scour instead...but then that died...now i've been using audiogalaxy...but some things about it irritate me, so i'll probably switch to something else. but that probably has nothing to do with the skipping anyway...and i've tried different players too, so that's not the problem either...oh well...if anyone can tell me how to fix it, please email me. enough rambling for tonight...i should go to bed.
Monday, July 23, 2001
just re-read what i wrote last night in my state of drowsiness - and it is drowsy with an s, not with a z. i don't know what the hell was wrong with me last night. that sudafed took forever to kick in but when it did, i was really out of it. i was seriously struggling to type, yet i kept typing more and more...anyway. no allergy attacks today. probably because i didn't go outside today. too darn hot. (hey - i think that's a song from "kiss me, kate")
ok i don't have anything else to say right now...everyone pray for rain in michigan tomorrow!!!
ok i think it is starting to kick in now because i am getting drowsy.
i can't tell you how long it took me to write that sentence! talk about drowsy. anyway. my nose doesn't yet seem to have gotten the hint but i think i'll try to get to sleep now. wait how do you spell it? is it drowzy with a z? i don't know why i thought s. i think it is z now. i have no idea. i need to spell check now because i am anal like that. ok...spellcheck is temporarily disabled...i am just making things worse because i keep typing but i keep messing up like almost every single word because of the...the...drowziness...i think it is a z. but anyway. you know what i meant so i don't care. going to bed now.
Sunday, July 22, 2001
so i took some sudafed about 2 hours ago and it still hasn't kicked in. i hate allergy attacks. i hate having to blow my nose every 2 minutes. i hate having to take something like sudafed to provide relief. i feel so miserable right now...
i thought sean was in a better mood, because he wrote me a few times last week and then 2 or 3 times yesterday...but then he didn't write today, so all day i've been wondering why not. i feel so silly and pathetic. i'd settle for email from any of my friends really...or even strangers...i've been so bored lately, just going out of my mind. feel a little out of touch with the world. will my nose pleeeeeeease stop running so i can go to sleep??
i had a really difficult time falling asleep last night so i think that's why i'm feeling so tired and lazy today. i tossed at turned until about 5 AM. so uncomfortable. i didn't even think i was going to fall asleep at all, but eventually i did. of course, the knocker came by at around 11 this morning. i woke up, then went back to sleep for an hour.
anyway...i guess what kept me up is that sometimes i feel anxiety over things that aren't even happening currently. things that may or may not happen in the next year or so. there is really no reason for me to even be thinking about it, but i do anyway, and i get worried or upset about the way it turns out...even though there is no reason for me to be feeling this way since it isn't real. i know this is impossible to understand the way i am attempting to explain it now. ok, let me try again. sometimes...usually when i'm lying in bed at night...i play out certain situations in my head...sort of in a half-conscious/ half-dreaming state...situations that are probably not going to happen any time soon, if ever...and i usually play them out in a way that really upsets me or makes me emotional...and i think about what i would say or do in that situation...i start to actually feel like it is happening to me - like, i really get upset, i really start crying sometimes, i really start to feel all choked up... so that's what kept me up last night. and then after i fell asleep, i proceeded to dream about the same thing too, except it was warped and didn't make as much sense in the dream...anyway, so when i woke up i just realized what i nut case i am. don't worry, this doens't happen every night...just once in a while...i'm fine now...
you know i'm really bored when i'm blogging this much during the day...
i'm still feeling all blah. i think it's the weather. i need to go buy some ice cream today. that'll cheer me up a bit. do most women crave chocolate a few days before their period, or is it just me?
i guess that personality disorder test has been going from blog to blog...i've read at least 4 so far in which the person has written about their results. and you know what? mine isn't even that bad compared to theirs! all of them had a "very high" rating for at least one of the disorders...i can't imagine how they answered the questions to get that...maybe something really is wrong with them...
Saturday, July 21, 2001
someone always knocks really loud on my neighbor's door. not only is it a loud knock, but it's a really irritating one. just heard it now and i felt like bitching about it. i don't know why. just because it's annoying. this guy with the knock wakes me up most weekday mornings - he comes a knockin' at about 8:15 AM usually. and he also comes at other times during the evening/night too. and the neighbor is really slow to answer the door, so sometimes the guy just pounds and pounds on that door like crazy...i can tell it's the same guy because he has a distinctively annoying knock - trust me. my neighbor's door is just a few inches from mine, so that's why i can hear it. when i first moved in here, i couldn't tell which door was being knocked on. i still can't sometimes, especially when it wakes me up. i've actually gotten out of bed a few times before i realized it wasn't my door being knocked on.
anyway...hopefully this neighbor is a ford intern and just here for the summer, so when he leaves, the knocker will too.
ok, after reading about those disorders, this is what i think about myself: moderately paranoid, not schizoid (not most of the time anyway), not schizotypal, not antisocial, not borderline, not histrionic, not narcissistic, moderately avoidant, a little bit dependent, and somewhat obsessive-compulsive. just wanted to clear that up so no one reading this thinks i'm completely insane and in need of serious psychiatric help...
anyway...so i took that test because i was bored, not because i think there's something really wrong with me. no need to get worried or anything. i mean, i do seriously think i have OCD and probably some other problems, but nothing major that is ruling my life, or at least not that i know of. like apparenlty paranoia, schizoid, and avoidancy are according to that test...but i don't take tests like this too seriously, because it bases these ratings on some yes/no answers to 50 or so questions, some of which i could have answered either way because i wasn't sure about...but i better go read what some of these disorders are, since i am so paranoid : )
i just took a personality disorder test online. this is what it had to say about the probability that i have various disorders:
Disorder : Rating Paranoid : High Schizoid : High Schizotypal : Low Antisocial : Low Borderline : Low Histrionic : Moderate Narcissistic : Low Avoidant : High Dependent : Moderate Obsessive-Compulsive : Moderate
Friday, July 20, 2001
i haven't really had anything to write about the past couple days. just been feeling kinda blah. pms or something. i don't know. i think i have some form of OCD and it really irritates me sometimes, so that's what my last post was referring to. but i don't really feel like going into that now. some other time maybe.
anyway. i tried out the epilator today, just a little bit on my legs. it's not too bad. prickly, but not painful. it'll take some getting used to, but the areas i did today are nice and smooth. i did get very uncomfortable for a while after i was done...that is the only real complaint i have right now. i don't know how to describe it. just a weird, hot, really irritated feeling...felt a bit worse than how i feel after i wax...and i didn't know what to put on my skin to calm it down - the directions said not to put lotion that had alcohol in it, but all the lotion i own has alcohol in it...i tried a moisturizer which i wasn't sure about, but i washed it off after a while because it didn't seem to help. then i tried some oil. it might have helped a little with the bumps, but i was still burning a little. finally i remembered someone said milk was good. so i dabbed some nice, cold milk on my legs and sat near the air conditioner and just let it cool down. in total, i think i was suffering for about 20-30 minutes. i'm assuming it won't be this bad after i've used it a few times though...i hope not anyway...
Wednesday, July 18, 2001
i feel like writing about something else but i just can't put words around it right now...i hate it when that happens...i have this stuff inside of me that i need to get out, but i can't even figure out how to explain it...let me just say that i really piss myself off sometimes. and i think i need medication.
my tummy hurts now and i'm tired. i'm going to bed.
i had a good time in my class tonight...it's optional on wednesdays, so only 2 of us showed up - not that it was a huge change from the 4 or 5 that usually come, but it was different. the two of us played a couple games, and then we listened to the professor's stories for an hour or so...he told us things about john dewey...and then he told us things about himself and his family...i really like listening to him talk. i feel like i want to tape-record the class when he is speaking. i really like his philosophies and his ideas and his stories...and i like hearing about the games, how they are used in classes, how kids learn from playing them, etc. it's much more interesting than i thought it would be.
but there are times when i feel so lost in that class. not because of him - but because i think i am a little slow at games...understanding them, playing them, and strategizing...ok, i suck at it. and then sometimes he asks me math-related things because i was a math major, and i don't know how to answer. today he asked me to explain to the other student why 3 - (-3) = 6. and i couldn't do it. this is why i don't think i could be a teacher. i was struggling so much and couldn't think of how to explain something that simple. the professor understood though, he tried not to make me feel so stupid - told me that although i have content knowledge, i don't yet have pedagogical knowledge. this worried me a little though. i mean, i'm almost done with my master's and i still don't have pedagogical knowledge??? then how can i design things to teach??? sometimes i feel like i've learned so little here...
i know it's the middle of the day now, but i feel like rambling already. so here' s my day so far: i really needed to do laundry - i meant to do it last night, but i got lazy, started watching tv, etc. so i thought i'll just do it today instead. the main things i had to wash were my towels and underwear. and well, i thought the towel i was currently using was getting a little stinky and i didn't want to use it one more time to shower today, so i thought i'd do laundry first, then take a shower later, when i got my freshly cleaned and dried towels back...
ok, so fast forward a little...after washing, i put my clothes in a dryer, put the $1.50 in, turn it on, start to walk out, then i hear this weird rumbling noise coming from the dryer. it was quite loud and troubling. i wanted to switch to another dryer, but i didn't bring any more money down with me, and i didn't want that $1.50 to go to waste, so i went over to the office to complain about it and ask for my money back. they sent someone over to look at the dryer first - keep in mind i haven't showered and i wasn't expecting to need to talk to anyone or even stand that close to anyone who would notice. so this guy agrees it's a weird noise and tells me to move my clothes to the dryer above that one and he'll give me extra time on it. now, i'm 4'10" and i can barely reach the top dryer. putting in clothes is ok, but getting them out is another story. i agreed hesitantly, mostly because the guy was looking at me like i was weird for taking so long to do what he said. so i'm trying to take out my clothes and move them up there to the top dryer, and it's kind of embarrassing because he was watching me and my underwear was in there...and i dropped a couple of them (on the dirty floor - yuck!) in the process...and the whole time i'm thinking about how much i must be stinking from not showering...anyway. it was embarrassing. that was the whole point of this story. i just have such bad luck sometimes...for all i know, that top dryer isn't working either and i'll probably need to ask someone for help getting my clothes out of there. normally i wouldn't mind, but i hate it when strangers see/touch my underwear. and i'm sure i'm really stinky right now so i don't particularly want to have to talk to anyone... you know what's the killer though? i had a feeling something was weird about that dryer...but i didn't listen to my gut. as is often the case. and i always end up regretting it when i don't listen to that inner voice inside my head...
Tuesday, July 17, 2001
it rained a tiny bit today, but not nearly enough : (
anyway. i had class tonight - it's a weird class, but i really like my professor's ideas on education and how classrooms need to be changed. some things he said today really made me want to go make a change. he believes school should be fun, and it's just so refreshing to hear that word: fun. that's what i was thinking when i got into this field, that i wanted to create things that would make learning more fun. but that idea sort of got sent to the back-burner i guess...most professors here don't really use that word...and one even seemed to look down on it a bit. but in my opinion it can't be overlooked because it is such a huge motivating factor. and as my professor said tonight, "passing a class shouldn't be like passing a kidney stone." he feels that students - and teachers - should not be happy when the school year's over. he also feels that kids shouldn't become used to having clear cut right and wrong answers in school, since that isn't what real life is like. anyway, he went on for a while, but i think you get the gist. it's really nice to have such a laid back class here. there have been a lot of complaints about education professors not practicing what they preach, so it's nice to know there is at least one who does.
it's cloudy today...that's a good sign i guess..it doesn't quite look dark enough to rain, but i think i heard there's a 60% chance. i feel like i should do a rain dance or something...the water shortage has officially spread to ann arbor now, and the water pressure is even lower than last week. it's crazy.
Monday, July 16, 2001
it's so freakin hot and humid here...i can't stand it. i'm praying that it rains tomorrow because this water shortage is a pain in the ass.
Sunday, July 15, 2001
so i went ahead and ordered one of those satinelle epilators before i could change my mind again. i have been going back and forth about getting it for the past few days, and i also wasn't sure if i should get the emjoi or braun instead, since they seem to be more popular...but they are also like $30 more...and i really didn't see what the big difference could be between them...then i saw a new one that used something frozen to numb the skin...thought about it for a sec, then i was like wait, i can just use an icepack and do that myself! anyway. i'll get it sometime this week and we'll see how it goes. of course, i may be in too much pain to write about it : )
i think i have gained a lot of weight since coming here. today i tried on a skirt that i bought about a year ago, and it looked horrible on me. it seems my ass, thighs, and tummy are all much bigger than they were back then...probably because i stopped doing yoga and i stopped walking so much, and the walking i do here is on flat ground, unlike the berkeley hills...it's too hot here right now to walk around as much as i used to back in california. but i am trying to start working on my abs. my plan is to slowly increase the amount of exercise i do. because i know if i start all out right now, i'll stop after a week or so.
i just watched the re-run of last week's episode of "bands on the run" and realized that i forgot to write about it last week. i was really happy that flickerstick won, they played with such emotion and intensity. or at least it seemed that way. i'm kind of curious what their video for "smile" will be like - i think it is airing tonight after the show. anyway. i read an article about the show last week that basically said the show was crap and all the bands sucked, etc. maybe they do suck - but so what? that's the point, you know? the show wouldn't be half as funny if they were all really good and if it was just about the music. i liked the show because i thought a lot of the band members were interesting and fun to watch. some were downright annoying, but that added something to the show as well...and if they were being fake or putting on an act - who cares? they are entertainers. no one said they had to be real. and what i like best is that in the end, it was the music that allowed flikerstick to win, not alliances and deception and strategy...
Saturday, July 14, 2001
i've been feeling really lazy all day today. don't know what to do with myself.
my mom is in LA this weekend, and she randomly met this indian girl who's a phd student here, not only in my department, but in my exact program! weird, huh? she also did her undergrad at berkeley, like me. and on top of all that, this girl's family (or her husband's family - i wasn't paying close attention) is from the same town in india that my mom was raised in! it's a small world i guess...i was really surprised to hear that she is in my program. there are hardly any indian students in the school of ed first of all, and my program is one of the smaller ones i think...
Friday, July 13, 2001
for the past hour i've been browsing around for hair removal products. usually i wax, using indian and/or home made wax (it works a lot better than the wax you get in stores here). but i am tired of it. and it's too hot here to let my hair grow long enough so that i can wax it. so i gave in and started shaving again. ugh. now i am reminded of how much i hate shaving. it just does't work for me. and it makes my legs look ugly anyway, so what's the point?...so tonight i was thinking maybe i'd go online and buy some of that nads stuff. i thought it might be better than indian wax because you don't need to heat it. but then i read all these complaints about it and how difficult it is to use. and i've used nair's gel wax, which is probably similar to nads, and that doesn't work on me too well...so then i read about this phillips satinelle thing. it basically just plucks out the hair, but it seems like it has less complaints than things like epilady (which i heard hurts like hell). the phillips has some sort of massager that is supposed to make it less painful. it's like $50 so i'm debating over whether or not i should get one. i think i can handle the pain - and i can't imagine it hurting more than waxing, which i am pretty used to by now. it's hard to figure out whether it would work for me though. i read what people wrote about it, but most of them didn't say how thick their hair was to begin with. some of them said they had fine blond hair - well, of course it works for them! so their opinions aren't really relevant to me with my thick, dark hair...i don't know if i should try it...i'll ponder it over the weekend...
this week passed by pretty fast considering how little i did.
i don't have anything else to say. i guess i wrote enough during the past 2-3 days. i'm all out of things to say! (for now anyway...)
Thursday, July 12, 2001
on the news tonight some guy was complaining about how he can't take a shower either. so i'm not the only one. but then again he was living in one of those counties where the water maines are bursting. i don't know why that would affect my water in aa...it was kinda funny though. the camera man actually went into the guy's bathroom and he stood under the shower explaining how bad it is. i really hope they get this problem fixed soon...
sean wrote back, so i feel a little better now. he apologized and said he has been feeling mute and zoned out, and that he wants to get his shit together before he starts talking to people again. and he also said that he feels fortunate to have me to talk to. i guess the thing with him is that he is used to being the entertainer - he loves telling funny stories or debating over things or talking about something interesting and original. so when he doesn't have the energy to be like that, and when his brain's not working, and when he's in a bad mood, he clams up. he feels like no one is interested in hearing from him when he can't be his normal entertaining self. i guess i can understand that - but i also reminded him that he doesn't have to be like that with me. i like to hear from him regardless of whether or not he has anything amusing to talk about. it's actually that other side of him that i have been missing. he doesn't let many people see it, but whenever he has let me in a little, i've felt really touched. it's that side of him that makes him so different from most guys i have known. sometimes i even prefer it when he isn't being the entertainer, because he's so genuine and speaks from the heart...
anyway...i hope he finds a job soon and cheers up. i hate it when my friends are unhappy. i always feel like i want to do something to help out, but it's frustrating when there isn't really anything i can do. i guess i'll just try to send some good thoughts his way...
i need a good shower!!! this is pissing me off so much. i want to move now. i can't live like this. why can't this damn building do something about it?!?! i heard something on the news about a water shortage, and how people in some counties are getting lower water pressure because of it...but they were other counties, not this one. unless i heard wrong or misunderstood something...i'm going to try showering at night, maybe i'll have better luck then.
Wednesday, July 11, 2001
damn i've written a lot today. well, here's one more before i hit the sack.
i emailed sean again today, because i am a moron. basically i said the same things that i emailed him about 3 weeks ago but in a better tone, hoping that he won't ignore it this time. i don't know if it'll work. i think he's going through one of his phases again. i pretty much made up my mind that if he doesn't reply to this email, i'm going to leave him alone for a while. i know he will contact me when he wants to, so i'll have to trust in that like i did 2 years ago. but at least back then i knew what was going on with him and i knew what problems he was dealing with. the thing that is driving me insane right now is that i don't know what it going on with him. at first i just thought it was because he hates his job and he's having problems trying to find a better one. but if that was all, then why is he not telling me? it doens't make sense. *sigh* oh well. i hope that he writes back tomorrow, but even if he doesn't, i'll be ok.
so now that i've written about what i did in new york, i can talk about how i was feeling while i was there. to understand this, you have to know what my relatives are like. i have quite a few in new york: my grandma; my uncle and his wife and kids; my aunt; two of my mom's younger cousins who i am pretty close to; and various other people who we don't really see that often. anyway, so first of all it is kind of a pain to have so many people around because they all make their own plans for what to do when i visit. there's no way i can please everyone, so some of them are bound to get annoyed and pissed off. second, how do i put this...i don't want to say none of them like each other, because they are family and they do care about each other in their own weird way, but basically, they all complain about each other. they all argue with each other. they all yell and get pissed at each other, or they keep it in and talk about them behind their backs. it's just a very headache-enducing environment.
anyway. the latest thing that has everyone pissed off is how my uncle and his wife are treating my grandma, who lives with them. she had a heart attack about a year ago, and she's been very weak since then. but living there, she ends up doing most of the cooking and cleaning, which is completely wearing her out. my aunt lives with them for about 6 months out of the year, so she has been helping while she's there. but both of them are being treated so badly - almost as if they are servants. and they aren't appreciated for everything that they do. my uncle and aunt talk to them so rudely sometimes - order them to cook this and cook that, make some tea, clean the house, take care of the kids, etc. it's really pissing everyone off. it makes me mad just thinking about it right now. there is so much, i can't go into everything because i'd be writing all night. but this is basically causing a lot of tension within the family. on another note, i was personally very upset because no one was watching what my grandma was eating. they brought her certain things to eat that she really should not be eating. she was visiting in california last year when she had the heart attack, and i didn't want her to go back to new york because i knew this would happen. i knew they wouldn't look out for her and help her with her diet. i can't tell you how angry i was about this. i seriously started crying one night because they were joking about the things she has been eating. it's not a laughing matter. it's her heart. it's her life. why don't they understand???? why don't they take care of her?? don't they realize how much she does for them??? ugh, it was so irritating. there is so much more, but i don't even want to go into it now. i hated seeing my grandma like that, so weak and frail, eating fatty foods, being treated like shit, being yelled at, scrubbing the floor, cooking, making the kids' beds, etc...and the last night i was there, she was really sick. she had symptoms similar to those that she had right before she had her heart attack. i couldn't take it. it made me so upset...my blood boils just thinking about all this... anyway...so because of all this stuff, i can't really say the trip was a pleasant one. it was nice seeing everyone, but after the first day, it all went downhill...this happens each time i go to new york. i keep going back because i do like it there, but there are always so many family problems to deal with and it just stresses me out. even if there aren't any real problems, everyone is always yelling on top of each other, and no one really listens to anyone. i can't stand it. there were so many times i just had to leave the room and go into an empty one and shut the door. i'm so glad that i didn't go to grad school in new york. i don't think i could have been able to deal with all this shit on a regular basis.
might as well start to write about my trip to new york now too. where to start though?
well, i was a little upset that i didn't get to do a few things that i really wanted to do: see the macy's fireworks, go shop in soho and the village, and go to a couple museums. missing the fireworks show depressed me the most. i did get to watch it on tv, but that only made me feel even more sad that i didn't get to see it in person. we just don't have firework shows that big in california...i told some of my relatives in ny about a month in advance that i really wanted to see them, but when the time came, no one would go with me. i wasn't about to head into manhattan at night by myself. plus we had a really long day because we went to some outlets upstate to shop (really stupid idea). we didn't get back home until about a half hour before the fireworks started. that was such a bad day. everyone was in a shitty mood, and we were exhausted. ok, so what did i do that i actually enjoyed? "cabaret" was good, but the seats were really uncomfortable. we had tickets to sit in one of the tables up front. i guess they would be considered good seats, but those chairs were small and hard. and i have problems sitting in chairs like that because my feet don't reach the ground, and when my feet don't reach the ground, there's a lot of stress on my knees, and i have really bad knees, so they were killing me by intermission. but the show was good. oh, and i saw a few movies: "moulin rouge", "the anniversary party", and "shrek" (took my little cousins to see that). i liked all of them. i saw "moulin rouge" in the AMC theatre on 42nd - it's such an awesome theatre. and the movie was beautiful, with all the vibrant colors and the singing...i don't know why so many people didn't like the movie...i thought it was pretty good. i tried not to shop too much, and really there wasn't much that appealed to me in most of the stores i went to. the exception: H & M. i spent a bit in that store. and one day i took my younger cousins to the hall of science. they seemed to be getting bored at home, and their parents hardly ever take them anywhere, so i thought they would like it. but it wasn't exactly what i expected. i was thinking it would be like the exploratorium in SF, or the lawrence hall of science in berkeley. but it was really shitty. it seemed like half the things weren't even working, or the directions were unclear. and in general, it was pretty boring. the kids did like the little playground, but the rest was kind of a waste. ok, that's enough for now. i'll write more later...
i don't know what to do right now so i guess i'll write more.
i really hate the water pressure (or lack thereof) in my building. i can barely take a shower. there's just this trickle of water coming out, and the shower head is like 10 feet high, so by the time it reaches me the water is even less than a trickle. it's ridiculous. it takes me an hour to wash my hair like that. and the water here makes my hair fall out, but since there's not enough water pressure in the shower, it doesn't even get washed off my body. a lot of it slides down into a certain um, crack, and it just sits there. kinda freaked me out the first time i discovered that - didn't realize at first where all that hair came from. anyway. i hate it. that is the one thing that really irritates me about my apartment. i need a good shower. it's one of the few things i consider to be a necessity in life. really.
changed my mind about snood. too stressful. and i used up all the free demo games last night, so i can't play more anyway.
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
ok, i'm hooked on snood. i know i said i would write about new york tonight, but i think i'll play more snood instead. just getting the hang of it and i'm having trouble typing now because my hand feels all weird...i think i should hook up a real mouse to my laptop to play this game...
travis was on letterman tonight - i love them! that made me so happy. anyway. i'm downloading snood right now. i heard it was really addicting, but i need something to get me off of solitaire. god, i hate that game. i haven't touched it in years, but all of a sudden i started playing it again - like, nonstop. it's one of those things i do when i am upset/depressed/bored. i switched to free cell a couple years ago, then last year it was dope wars, and now i've gone back to solitaire. the one i hate the most. i think it's because it requires the least brain power. anyway...so i'll see what this snood thing is like. at the very least maybe i'll stop with the solitaire for a few days.
Monday, July 09, 2001
i feel like i have so much i want to write about that i don't know where to start. i know i won't be able to write about everything tonight...especially all the NY-related stuff. that would take a while. i'll spread it out over a few posts i guess. starting tomorrow. have other things on my mind tonight, namely sean. he wrote me back today. i sent him a little happy b-day email, so he replied to thank me. he didn't say much though. i think he is feeling kinda down. i'm not sure. it's hard to figure these things out over email.
anyway. i hate it when he goes through these phases...it's happened a few times before...i get so used to getting email from him everyday that when he stops for a while, i really miss him. i try to be patient, and in the past we managed to work our way back to normal. but i worry that we won't be able to this time. something feels different. just a couple months ago he told me how happy he was that we had stayed in touch for so long and how much he values me being there for him. but now he was out of touch with me for about 3 weeks - and it would have probably been longer than that if i hadn't written him. if something's wrong, he's not telling me what it is so how can i be there to help him? it's so frustrating for me. sometimes i think i need to let go. but then i think about a few times in the past when i was thinking the same thing. if i would have let go back then, i would have missed out on a lot of good things. and i would have been miserable. but on the other hand, i don't want to feel so dependent on him. so i don't know what i should do. his friendship is very important to me and i am terrified of losing it. i made a decision at one point that i was going to do whatever i could to make sure it remains intact. but i am so tired of trying now, and i feel like he isn't trying anymore. so what's the point? i don't want us to wind up in that state where we send an occasional email full of bullshit, just to be able to say that we are in touch. that would hurt me too much. but if we stop all contact completely, that would suck too. but i can't deal with things the way they are now either. so...i don't know. i wish i could just hang in there and wait for a few more months, just see what happens naturally. but i am so impatient. and how long should i wait before this starts to become unhealthy? how long before i can convince myself that it is the wrong thing to do? that he doesn't deserve it? or the opposite - that he is worth it. that real friends will stick around as long as necessary. i'm so conflicted inside. i just wish he would tell me what's going on, and what he wants me to do.
happy birthday to milly and sean!
i slept sooooo well last night. i didn't get much sleep in NY, so I was able to catch up last night. it felt good...anyway. so i had this dream in which i kissed a girl. no one i know in real life, but apparently in this dream i was attracted to her. i felt uncomfortable but happy at the same time, because i really liked her...and the uncomfortable feeling wasn't because she was female, it was because i was in shock...i know i'll be over-analyzing this all day today...
Sunday, July 08, 2001
i'm back! the peace and quiet here feels nice now...i love visiting new york, but i could never live there. too stressy. and loud. but i will write about my trip later. kind of tired right now and if i start writing about all that i'll go on and on...
anyway. i'm a little concerned because i haven't heard from sean. i thought he would have emailed me by now. i don't know if i said something that pissed him off, or if something else is going on with him...we haven't gone this long without any contact in quite a while - a little over 2 years i think. i wish it didn't trouble me so much, but it does...i think i'll email him tomorrow. don't know what to say right now.
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