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Friday, August 31, 2001
just heard the news about sensley and i'm really pissed. just because cal sports doesn't make as much money as certain other schools...ugh!!! i don't even want to get started. it makes me so mad to think about all the ridiculous bullshit the NCAA has put cal through over the past 5 years or so, while other big name schools continue to get off so easily...
anyway. i just got my hair cut and i think it's too short. my hair had gotten so long!! i miss it already. i feel lighter though. 
Wednesday, August 29, 2001
got sidetracked in that last post and didn't finish writing about my day. anyway, after the dentist, i went to berkeley to pick up my car and hang out with my cousins for a little while. they're seniors now...growing up so fast!! i was supposed to go to dinner with my dad, but he had forgotten that he had to go to his wife's friend's birthday party or something. so he cancelled dinner with me. boy do i feel loved - he hasn't seen me in 4 months. but whatever, i would have probably gotten bored anyway. so i came back home and went to dinner with my mom, my aunt, and my neighbor. we went to one of my newer favorite restaurants - it's called CreAsian. i guess you could say it is creative asian food. anyway, it was their first anniversary, so they gave out free champagne to everyone. i had 2 glasses, but the waitors kept asking if i was old enough. i get that a lot. anyway, the food was delicious. just don't get stuff that good in ann arbor...don't even get stuff half as good to be honest...and if we did, it would cost twice as much!!
no cavities! my teeth are all shiny and nice now...my mouth still feels a little sore from all that scraping, but my hygenist said i didn't bleed as much as i normally do, so that's good. the sonicare is working i guess. i've only been using it for about 2 months, maybe less. it's hard to get used to, but apparently it's helping. i have really bad gums. once, there was a different hygenist filling in for my regular one, and she was freaked out my how much my gums were bleeding. instead of just keeping her mouth shut and using that little vacuum thing to suck it up, she just let me bleed and even put a mirror in front of my face and said "look at all the blood!!!" um, no thanks. i really didn't need to see that. she was irritating and i got pissed at her, so now when i see her in the dentist's office, she doesn't say hi to me anymore. but i don't care. she put me through hell that day.
Tuesday, August 28, 2001
some thoughts from my first night at home:
my mom was about half an hour late picking me up from the airport. considering that we only live 10 minutes away from the airport, i was slightly pissed. she said something about traffic, but still. i didn't like standing there at night waiting in the cold. and...the first thing i noticed when we pulled into the garage: a bag that i got in barcelona, at the store in la pedrera, was sitting there in the garage, filled with stuff. i was furious - see, i didn't put it there. i had saved this bag because it's a really cool bag, and i considered it to be my favorite souvenier from barcelona. i remember last time when i was home, i had folded it and kept it somewhere safe in my room to make sure no one would throw it away or whatever...my mom even teased me about it, saying i should hang it up on the wall (that's an inside joke between us which probably no one gets, but it's a long story so i won't go into it). so now this bag was gathering dust in the garage, and there was a bunch of crap in it, and upon closer inspection - it was all wrinkled and (gasp!) torn!!! i can't tell you how mad i was. i don't know how my mom even found the bag, she was probably cleaning out my room (i HATE it when she does that - does she not understand it is my room??), found the bag and started putting all these things into it without even realizing that i had kept that bag for a reason. she thinks i just accumulate a lot of junk. ok, it's true to some extent, but i'm sentimental!! i have a really difficult time throwing things away...but this particular bag is not - or was not - junk. now that it's torn and fucked up it might be, but anyway. i just can't believe my mom did that. i really can't believe it. as for the woman who my mom is renting out a room to - i wouldn't say her voice is annoying, but she talks loud, she talks fast, and she talks a lot. this does not make for a good combination. i can see why my aunt's upset. she still hasn't paid anything. my mom cooks for her. my mom even got out of bed at midnight last night when she came in, to give her food. i do not understand this at all. she is treating this person like family and she doesn't even know her. personally, i find it strange that her relatives aren't letting her stay with them. that's very unusual among indians...kinda suspicious if you ask me...but whatever. that's my mom. she does things without thinking. she goes out of her way to help others - even strangers - but complains about doing anyting for her own family. anyway...i've got a dentist appointment i need to get to...going to berkeley after that...i hope i have a better day today.
Monday, August 27, 2001
ok, i'm about ready to leave...i think i have everything...but knowing me, i'll get to the airport and realize i forgot something...anyway, i might blog from california, or i might not. you'll just have to wait and see.
why am i so scatter-brained sometimes?!?! i can't find my checkbook now...and i need it...have no idea where it is...
Sunday, August 26, 2001
by the way, to dan who commented 3 posts down, thanks - that does make me feel better.
i wasn't feeling bad really, i think it's just a height thing most of the time. tall guys literally look past me, as in over my head. but this particular guy - well, he must just have a bad memory or something...i mean, i've talked to him several times when i was picking up packages or whatever...and he even let me into my apartment when i was locked out a few weeks ago...i just assumed he would recognize me. it was kind of a blow to the ego that he didn't, but whatever. i'm over it now.
in approximately 24 hours, i will be arriving at oakland airport...ah, home sweet home...i'll get to sleep in my bed...i'll get to eat good food...i'll get to go hang out in berkeley like the good ol' days...most of the people i knew there are gone now, but i'll go anyway. just miss it a lot.
i haven't started packing yet, so i better go do that now...
just finished watching the madonna concert (on hbo, not in person). it seemed like it ended so suddenly. i was expecting more at the end i guess...maybe they just cut it off for tv, but she came back out and did an encore for the audience? or maybe that was really the end...i shouldn't complain - she's what, 43? i wish i had that much energy at 23. i was just hoping to hear a couple more older songs...don't really like most of the new stuff...but it was still entertaining visually, if not always musically...i really liked the spanish section though - "la isla bonita" and the flamenco dancing in particular...i'm surprised she didn't do "like a virgin". i thought that song was a permanent fixture in her concets, done in different styles each time. but she didn't do it at all in this concert, so that was a little disappointing. oh well...i guess it didn't really fit in with any of the themes...but a country version would have been funny as hell...
i was just down getting my laundry, and i came up in the elevator with this guy who works at the front desk in my building (the one i think is cute). and you know what? he didn't even reognize me!!! he asked if i was just moving in!!! ok, i don't know him and so there's no reason he should know me, but i've been in this building for a year and he's seen me often enough that he should at least know that i live here...i wish i were more noticeable sometimes...i think a lot of guys just look past me and don't pay any attention : (
i hate it when people call and don't leave a message on my machine. as it is, i don't get many calls, so when i do get one and miss it, it really irritates me - i drive myself insane wondering who it was. i waited and waited and didn't go online because i was hoping whoever it was would call back...but it's been a few hours and no one called. i guess part of me was hoping it was sean. not very likely, but i'd hate it if he did call and i missed it. oh well. i shouldn't get myself upset over it because it was probably just my dad or my grandma, and that's no big deal. it might have been the girl i'm subleasing from because i asked her to give me my deposit back, but she hasn't gotten it to me yet...i was hoping she'd come today because i don't have much left in my account...need to pay bills and rent...my check won't come in until after school starts...i should have enough to make it until then, but technically she was supposed to give me my deposit back on the 21st and it's now the 26th, so i kinda want it. some indians think they can let things like that slide when they're dealing with other indians, but i like everything to be official you know? whenever i subletted rooms in berkeley, i was always so particular about contracts and dates and rent/deposits. made sure everything was done by the right date, etc. anyway...i guess some people are more relaxed about that stuff...
Saturday, August 25, 2001
i think this is good enough for now...it doesn't look quite right in netscape, but it's still readable as far as i can tell...
anyway, please let me know if this is hard on your eyes, or if there are any other problems with it (or if you like it : )
ok, this is gonna look funky for a while as i try to go to my new look (i'm only making minor changes at a time now, because i tried re-doing the whole thing at once and none of it got saved)
i've been watching the BYU-Tulane game, and i'm starting to get worried about the BYU offense (cal plays them in 2 weeks)...they have like 70 points right now. i don't know if tulane's defense is just awful or what, but uh, that's a lot of points regardless of who you're playing against.
anyway...i'll try to put up the new layout after i eat some dinner...i hope it'll look how i want it to look. but with my html/design skills, or lack thereof, i doubt it.
grrr...they are cleaning the apartment next door to mine right now and it stinks like hell. i don't know what they use, but damn those are some strong chemicals.
anyway. i was working on a new layout for my blog (nothing major, just got tired of the background), but i can't sit here anymore because those chemicals are starting to bother me. i'll get it up later tonight.
Friday, August 24, 2001
"your computer's being stubborn"
- my 9th grade english teacher just remembered that quote because it seems appropriate right now.
i'm bored and playing with name generators. just thought i'd share some of the results:
authentic indian name: Gwendolyn Chortling Goat bond girl name: Gwen Everdude reggae name: Sister Rose glam rock name: Sex Love hip hop name: Queen Lil Cube of the underground hobbit name: Rosie-Posie Deepdelver of Brockenborings prison bitch name: The Jacker pagan name: Serena Esme Gwyneth pilgrim name: Alice Snow porn star name: Kathleen Spunk mob name: The Delicious techno pagan name: Screaming Plugin pokename: Voltvee smurf name: Boozy Smurf any seem to fit me?
rem is on storytellers right now...much better than the mtv unplugged - that was way too short, it disappointed me...
what's the difference between an umpire and a referee? just curious...i always thought they were the same, but i flipped to the football game tonight and john madden was saying something about them standing in different places on the football field...anyway, can someone please explain to me what the difference is?
Thursday, August 23, 2001
the manager finally came to look at the apartment today. i thought it was going to be...well, i dont know...more official? like an inspection?...but she was in here for all of 10 seconds. she said it was "immaculate" (it better be considering i spent so much time cleaning it last weekend) and then left. and i was like "that's it?" i was expecting her to, oh i don't know, look more carefully and write down stuff...but she just walked in, glanced around quickly while standing in one spot, admired my cute blue microwave, and then left.
don't get me wrong - i'm glad she wasn't being picky, taking off money from the deposit for little things...but i was just in shock at how little time she spent looking around. she didn't even go into the bathroom or say anything about the nails in the walls...she was in and out so fast that i forgot to ask her about something i need to talk to her about... anyway...i'm bored again...spent most of the morning trying to figure out how to use fireworks (the software, not like 4th of july). i don't know why this is, but i just find macromedia software to be really unintuitive. i guess i'm too used to microsoft software...i don't know...i mean, i don't like frontpage, but it's so easy to use - i didn't even have to "learn" it really, it just felt natural. i know that macromedia software probably allows people to do more things, but damn it is just so hard remember how to do them. too many little windows. and i have the habit of right clicking on things, but that usually doesn't do anything. i guess it'll get easier with practice, but i'm too impatient to practice most of the time... 4 days until i go home!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2001
just got off the phone with my mom and she irritated me again...same stuff as last night - bugging me about finding a job and applying to MBA programs (and i have no clue where she got that idea from because i have never even considered going to business school, and i have no interest in it at all). she has such little understanding of the whole application process, and i get so impatient trying to explain it to her. and - hello?? - i'm not even applying to schools!! i want to work for a while, i've already decided that. why is she bugging me so much? i've got 4 months to find a job, but she acts like i have 4 days. she doesn't think i'm taking it seriously. she doesn't think i'm trying hard enough. she thinks i'm being lazy and that i don't want to work. that's just not true!!! i am looking, but i can't help it if i haven't found anything in my field. i haven't reached the point of desperation yet where i will lie about my qualifications and take anything i can. and i hope i never do reach that point. i just want my mom to leave me alone and trust me and treat me like an adult.
oh and another thing before i go to bed (and i really should be going to bed soon) - i got mad at my mom because one minute she's telling me that since the economy's so bad and no one's hiring, that i should just stay in school - apply to MBA or PhD programs in addition to applying for jobs, so that if i don't get a job, i can stay in school and get some money that way. then, the next minute, she's complaining about me fucking around too much instead of getting a job. she thinks i wasted 3 years just bumming around when i could have been working at some dot com. i simply mentioned that i was thinking about getting a second master's, and she just started going off - complaining that i'll waste another year not working. ugh!!! she's the one who suggested i stay in school, and then right away she started complaining about me putting off getting a job. i was seriously about to hang up on her.
i like learning. i like being in school. i do not like working at some lame ass job just to please her. i know she wants me to work in the silicon valley, but i hate it there. i don't even feel like going back to california yet, unless i get a cool job in san francisco or oakland/berkeley. and as for the second master's - that is something i'll consider in the future. i would like to work for a couple years first, but i only brought it up because it's difficult trying to find a job these days, and i would much rather be in school than be doing something i'm not interested in...
my mom makes me so mad sometimes...she just does things without thinking and i really don't understand what's going through her head...
yesterday she called and told me she had just rented a room to someone. totally out of the blue. it's not even like she's a relative or family friend, she's the sister of an acquiantance, or something like that. my mom knows nothing about her or the family. she just came over from india and needed a place to stay so my mom offered. there was no discussion of how much rent she'll be paying, or for how long she'll be staying...nothing was signed, no lease, no money was given...and my mom just goes out of her way to do shit for people - like she's bringing food for her and serving her like she's a little kid or something. my aunt lives with my mom too, and my mom didn't even bother asking her if it was alright. so tonight my aunt was talking to me on the phone bitching about the whole situation. she lost her bathroom, she feels like she doesn't have as much privacy anymore, and apparently this woman talks a lot and has a very annoying voice...my aunt over-reacts sometimes when she's mad at my mom, so i'll have to be the judge when i go home. but i definitely see her side of the story. anyway...so i'm not too thrilled about going home now...i just don't like it when there are strangers in the house...and i don't like it when there's tension between my mom and my aunt because i always get stuck in the middle...
Tuesday, August 21, 2001
i found another project i can work on during the fall for credit, so i'm feeling a little relieved now. it's nice to have a back-up plan, so if i don't get into the classes i wanted (or if i don't like them), i'll be ok. won't be stuck here another semester like i had feared...
Monday, August 20, 2001
it's sometimes hard for me to take people seriously when they complain about being lonely. but i know that just because some people seem to have a lot of friends doesn't mean they don't feel lonely. and just because they have had the experience of being in relationships doesn't mean that they want one any less than someone like me who has never been in one. it's a difficult concept though. my first reaction tends to be something like "what the hell does this person know about being lonely?!?! she has no fucking clue!!!!" - but i know that as weird as it may seem to me sometimes, she has just as much right to feel the way she does as i do. (milly's blog entry is what triggered this, but i'm not writing about her specifically so don't get offended milly : )
milly also brings up the whole "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved" thing...this is the way i see it: since i've never been in love, i don't know what i'm missing. so perhaps i am better off than those who have loved and lost - because when you know what it's like to be in love, it must hurt like hell when you're not...that's what it seems like to me anyway...but what do i know? regarding loneliness...sometimes i get angry, sometimes i blame myself, and sometimes i just chalk it up to bad luck. some people take action, and that's probably the best thing to do. me, i just don't feel like wasting my energy anymore. as sad as that sounds, i'm ok with being lonely right now. i think that's why i was able to cut sean off a little. not that it was easy, it wasn't. i knew i would be feeling even more alone right now without him to talk to, but i also knew that i'd survive.
it's a little weird watching NFL games sometimes when you see players who you watched in college (in my case, deltha o'neal, nick harris, and ryan longwell all playing tonight). it's just like - hey i went to college with these guys. i watched them play on saturdays for 4 years, and now they are on monday night football making $$$ and i'm sitting here broke, watching them on TV.
nevermind. i don't know where i'm going with this. P.S. nick harris even got his master's before me!! i always joke that he took my spot in berkeley's school of ed...oh well, i would have given up the spot for him anyway cuz i think he's awesome. he didn't really have a great night, but i'm sure he'll get better with time.
i'm so bored...sitting around waiting for the manager to come...she couldn't tell me a specific day or time because she has to go to a lot of apartments, but i want to make sure i'm here when she gets to mine, so i'm pretty much stuck here...kinda sucks...i hope she comes today though, so i'm not still waiting tomorrow and the day after...
in other news, the ladybugs left. at least i think they did. i don't see any around. i'm sure they'll come back in another month or two though. i don't have anything else to say...just bored bored bored...hey i should probably work on my final project for my class, huh? sorta forgot about that...
Sunday, August 19, 2001
damn - i can't breathe. the apartment across from mine is being cleaned or something, and talk about chemicals - my door is closed but i can still smell that shit in here. it's really stong. my eyes are stinging a little too. ok, this is just getting worse and worse. i'm about to go stand by the window.
Saturday, August 18, 2001
i've been searching the internet looking for tips on how to get rid of ladybugs. no luck. i know that they are good for pest control or whatever, but who's brilliant idea was it to bring in these asian ladybugs?? they were in asia for a reason, leave them there. i don't have any problems with american lady bugs. they don't try to hibernate in my apartment.
i know i shouldn't let a little thing like harmless ladybugs bother me so much, but there are just so many of them sometimes, and it gets very annoying. i can't squish them because they squirt out something gross and it stains. i can't vacuum them because they are up on the walls or ceiling most of the time. i can't spray them because they are too tough for that. and i can't really figure out how they are getting in here, so i don't know how to keep them out in the first place... all i know is i want them out.
i seriously need to clean my apartment this weekend. i know i said that about last weekend, but it never happened. i got lazy. ok, i am lazy. but the property manager is coming over sometime during the week to assess the damages or whatever...i hope there aren't any...but just to be on the safe side, i better clean the place up and take shit off the walls (technically, we're not supposed to make any holes or use tape to put stuff up, but i don't like staring at bare walls so i did anyway).
what i hate is that there is no ventilation in my bathroom. no window i can open, no exhaust fan i can turn on. so when i use all those "cleaners" i really get a bad headache because of the smell. too many chemicals. why can't they make this stuff smell less harsh? the one exception is lysol toilet bowl cleaner. i can use that as often as i like - it's really minty and i'm not allergic to that scent, so that's good. my toilet is always clean. everything else in the bathroom, i avoid cleaning as long as possible. my kitchen is tiny, so that's not a problem. however, there are a lot of scratches in the counter and i don't know if i did that or if they were there before. they look pretty bad though. i don't know what to use on them to make them less obvious. *sigh*...the carpet. i shed a lot of hair, and whenever i vacuum, so much of it gets caught...it's a pain cleaning it out... and finally...ladybugs. dead ones. they're mostly in places that are hard to reach, so i just leave them there. i really don't care about that, but i should pick them all up and toss them out at some point. preferably before october, since i'll get plenty more then. well, i hope you've enjoyed this tour through my apartment. i told you there's nothing going on in my life, and therefore not much to write about these days. but for some reason, i don't feel like going to sleep until i've blogged, so...well, the result is blog entries that probably aren't the least bit interesting. i hope i'll have more entertaining things to write about soon...
Friday, August 17, 2001
nothing much going on in my life, so i'll ramble some more about the general hospital murder mystery...
i don't think it's carly anymore. i'm curious about what exactly she did that night in the hospital, but i don't think she killed him. bobbie is looking more likely, but that probably means it isn't her either. so i'm thinking it's roy now. or maybe several people were involved - maybe they started to kill him, but then changed their mind or got interrupted or something...i'm usually so good at solving soap murders but this one is thoroughly confusing me...and now it's the weekend so i have to wait until monday to get any more info!! oh well...
Thursday, August 16, 2001
ok...watched gh today, and now i'm having other thoughts on who the killer is...i think that he/she would have to have some sort of medical knowledge. so...that leaves monica, alan, melissa, the guy sonny hired, and carly (she was in nursing school at one point, right?). but what is confusing to me is that roy seemed to know about it before it happened, so maybe he had something to do with it? hmm...bobbie maybe?? you think she did it?? she doesn't seem like the type...but i don't know what to think at this point. and after tomorrow's episode, i'll probably get even more confused. anyway. my guess at this point is carly.
thought of another suspect: edward. stronger motives than skye, and he's mean enough to do it. but i'll probably have new ideas after i watch today's episode...
Wednesday, August 15, 2001
to any general hospital viewers out there, who do you think killed sorel? at first i thought it was going to be AJ, but now i'm not sure...usually when there are a lot of people who seem obvious, the killer ends up being someone un-obvious, right? but in this case, it's weird because i can't think of anyone who wasn't open about wanting to kill him...i guess AJ didn't say he wanted sorel dead, but since they showed him lurking around the hospital so much, i doubt it was him. ditto for mike. think it could be luke??? he did disappear...but i don't really see any motive...i really have no idea! skye maybe?? where was she?? ok, she's my guess for now. wait - but sorel looked like he recognized the person, didn't he?? he doesn't know skye...ugh!!! this is so confusing...
yes, i know i need to get a life...
i was attempting to learn how to use dreamweaver today. went through some tutorials and what not. don't remember much, but i think i get the general idea. is that good enough to list it as a skill on my resume? that's the only reason i'm trying to learn it. don't really have any webpages i need to make...i guess i could fix mine up since i've been saying that i would for the longest time...but i haven't come up with any ideas yet, so...can't really work on it if i don't know what to do with it...and i don't know how i can learn dreamweaver just by going through tutorials. all i do is basically follow the instructions and see what happens. i'm much better at learning software when i actually need to do something with it.
anyway. looks like i will be doing independent study in the fall with something called the rivers project. so one problem solved. i still need to find a couple classes in other departments though...that's gonna be tricky...
i just looked at my blog page and noticed that none of the g's in my title were showing up. kinda odd, isn't it? is it just my computer or can no one see the g's?
i just read something on a discussion board that really pissed me off: someone referred to cal as a "crappy state school". how dare he/she?!?! i felt like starting a flame war over that...but someone already wrote that person back and made the correction in a much nicer way than i would have. i get really defensive over cal. absolutely hate it when people say bad things about it.
Tuesday, August 14, 2001
just one more thing i wanted to write about before i go to bed:
i've decided to not contact sean for a while. and i'm serious about it this time. he didn't do anything to piss me off. i'm not mad at him at all. he might think i am, but really i was just frustrated and tired of waiting for him to go back to his normal self. so i emailed him something to that effect on saturday, and i know that he isn't going to reply to it because it probably pissed him off or something...i don't know...in any case, i'm just going to leave him alone for a while. i think he'll write when he's ready and when he feels like it. i'm pretty sure i can wait until then. i might change my mind after a few weeks, but for now at least i'm ok with it.
just catching up on cal sports and i found out we have once again been screwed by the ncaa. echema's out for the season because of some stupid rule about the minimum number of credits that need to be passed each year. cal appealed because he took extra units the year before and was still on track to graduate, and he's also doing well academically so it's not like he's in danger of flunking out. but the ncaa just has something against cal. it's just ridiculous because other schools get away with all sorts of violations...pisses me off...but i guess as a cal fan i should be used to this by now...
i'm worried about my computer. it's making weird noises and doing other strange things...i better back up some of my stuff...i told myself that when my previous computer was making weird noises, but i never got around to it, and then of course it crashed the next day and i lost everything. one of the most depressing days of my life. i cried for like 3 days. and i'm still not over it to be honest.
the machine was not fooled by my canadian quarter : (
oh well. no biggie. i didn't bother loading the machine anyway because i doubted it would work. i think i'll go get something to eat and get some change...
it's such a nice day today! just perfect weather...do you know how rare it is to get nice days like this here?!?!? i took it for granted in california, but i appreciate it much more now. and i'm in a much better mood than i was in last night...
anyway. i'm debating over whether or not i should try to use a canadian quarter in the washing machine...it looks about the same size as a US quarter...just a tiny, tiny bit smaller...but if it gets stuck i'll be screwed because i don't have an extra quarter...hmmm... and why am i in doing laundry when it's such a nice day outside?? i don't know...i was out for an hour or so, then i came back in...figure since i'm up and not feeling lazy i might as well get some of this shit done...if that canadian quarter works...
Monday, August 13, 2001
i'm gonna try to elaborate on what i was writing about in the last post, but i'm not quite sure what else to say...
first of all, i don't think that the world revolves around me. i understand the fact that people have things going on in their lives that have nothing at all to do with me. but...there's this little part inside of me that just takes things so personally...i wish i could explain this better... maybe it's part of being an only-child. like i need this extra bit of attention or something. and when i'm not gettting that attention, this part of me deep inside thinks it has something to do with me - that it's my fault, or that i'm not important... actually, i'm getting off-track. my need for attention is a whole other story. and that's not what's bothering me tonight. what's bothering me is that sometimes i feel hurt when there isn't reason to be. i let other people's words or actions affect me too much. mentally, i can tell myself that there is no reason for me to feel the way i do. but it just doesn't get through completely, you know? inside, i'm so weak and i start to doubt myself. and i make myself miserable in the process. i don't know if this is making any sense at all...i really can't find the words to describe it...but at least i know what i'm trying to say, and that's what's important. identifying the problem is the first step to fixing it, right? oh man is this gonna be hard to fix though. i've been doing it for so long...and even now as i try to tell myself that this is what i'm doing, i so strongly believe deep down that i have reason to be feeling sad. i don't damnit!!! ugh!!! i feel like i need to smack myself in the head sometimes. i don't know how to get it through. i honestly just don't know what i can tell myself to get me to stop doing this.
i think that i let my feelings get hurt too easily. i know in my head that i shouldn't take certain things personally, but i do anyway. i can't control it, it's just how i feel - hurt. sad. it's not anger, though it may come out that way sometimes.
i'm having trouble articulating my thoughts right now. i'll try to explain further a little later...
Sunday, August 12, 2001
i hate ladybugs. they're very irritating. i don't know how so many of them find their way into my apartment. there's 3 right above me on the ceiling right now. does anyone know the best way to kill them? bug spray doesn't really work, and they're too hard to smoosh most of the time...i was seriously going insane last year during mating season. they were all over the place, driving me nuts. they tend to fly into the ceiling a lot, making this noise as they bump into it repeatedly. they're so strange.
Saturday, August 11, 2001
i think i'm getting the travel bug again. it's starting to sink in that by january i'll be out of school and probably working. the thought is a little scary. i don't feel like i'm ready to start working...i want to explore more, of the world and myself. i worry that once i start working, i'll be stuck. i won't be able to just take off on these long vacations whenever i feel like it. and how about meeting people my age? as it is, i'm surrounded by so many people who are older than i am, but it'll probably be worse when i start working...i'll be the baby of the office...
i think about how many places i still want to travel to, and the fact that i want to do it when i'm still young. the thing i really loved most about my trips to europe was getting to meet so many people my age, just sitting in a pub talking to them and laughing and enjoying life...i don't do that sort of thing here, in my normal life...i feel much less constrained when i'm traveling - and much more like myself. i'll probably end up going to india right after i graduate. but that's more out of feeling like i should go there because other people expect me to, and i have to go to please them...nothing against india - i know there are some wonderful places there that i would like to see eventually, but i just don't feel the desire to go there right now. there are so many other places that i am just dying to go to. new places. i've already seen quite a bit of india, granted i was quite young when i saw some parts...but still...it's not the same as going somewhere completely new and different...and also, if i go to india, i'll be stuck with relatives. older relatives. that's no fun. i don't want to spend most of my time there going to the houses of people i barely even know. it can be torture at times. i don't like to spend my vacations like that. *sigh* well, i've got about 4 months until i graduate so we'll see what happens, where i end up going, IF i go anywhere...but in the meanwhile i'll be dreaming about going to costa rica or portugal or various other places on my list...
i like getting phone calls...makes me feel about 100 times better when i get one (from a friend, not from a telemarketer or parent)
anyway, i'm watching re-runs of "bands on the run" now. i hope they show the one episode that i missed. they seem to be skipping over some...
Friday, August 10, 2001
i don't feel like going to bed...i don't think i'll fall asleep anyway...i can't pinpoint specifically what's bothering me, but something just feels off. on the bright side however, there's a nice cool breeze outside. it's such a relief from all the hot weather we had been having. and i'm glad i don't have to listen to my loud ass AC tonight...
i've been online for almost 2 hours now and i don't even know how all that time passed. i had an idea for a new layout for my blog, and i was looking for a specific type of background that would work well with it...i'm not sure if i was successful, i'll have to try it out - but not tonight. anyway...i realized today that i miss arguing with sean. we used to always have these friendly little debates going over email and it would make me laugh so much. both of us hate losing, so we would just go on and on until we found something else to debate over...i guess he hasn't been in the mood lately. i don't know. he only writes a few times a week now, and although his emails have been longer than normal, something was different. i hadn't put a finger on what it was until today. i guess i don't feel like there's much back and forth communication between us anymore. he tells me what he's been doing, then i ask him some questions about things that he wrote about, but most of them never get answered. i don't think that he's not answering them on purpose - i'd understand if it was a personal question or if it was about something he didn't want to talk about, but i mean, i have been asking some really basic questions like "how was rush hour 2?" i can't think of any reason why he wouldn't feel like answering that. so i guess it's just a result of us not conversing anymore...i worry that he is falling into a stage where he's only emailing to stay in touch rather than to actually have some sort of discourse with me. all i can do is hope it's only temporary...
oh, and i wanted to complain about general hospital again. i have now waited 2 weeks for jax, and he finally showed up and said something today, but of course, it was right at the end of the show, so now i have to wait until monday!!! how irritating...he looked so cute though!!
i feel so frustrated right now...not with anything in particular...just...ugh!!! you know??? i guess you don't. i'm just restless and impatient and bored and...i don't know what else...i feel very distracted today. waiting for certain people to call/email me back...and i haven't cleaned my apartment yet...i'm so not in the mood to do that...
Thursday, August 09, 2001
i didn't clean my apartment today. i had a feeling i wouldn't. hopefully i'll feel more motivated tomorrow.
anyway...i had a weird dream last night. i was going to a michigan football game with an old friend of mine, someone i haven't had any contact with in a few years...and on the way, we had to go down these scary slides...it was actually like being on a roller coaster, except it was a slide that we went down one by one. and it was bright pink. i don't know how to explain it - i always have weird shit like that in my dreams...i have no idea what to make of it...
Wednesday, August 08, 2001
i just remembered that the girl i'm subleasing from is supposed to come over this weekend to check out the apartment, to make sure i didn't damage it or anything. so...i really, really, really need to clean the place up. i meant to do that this week, but i had completely forgotten she was coming...i've just been bumming around doing nothing...i don't feel like cleaning when it's this hot, but i really have to get working on that tomorrow because i know it'll take me a while to do such a thorough job...
when i grow up, i want a maid.
Tuesday, August 07, 2001
i found out my grandma might be going to india for a few weeks. this is sorta troubling me...on one hand, i know she really wants to go see her sisters and various other people...everyone's getting older and i think it's a little hard for her, because she's in the US while so many of her friends and relatives are in india...but on the other hand, i'm very concerned about her health...if she goes to india, i want her to go with someone who will take care of her and watch what she's eating, etc. people don't use olive oil there. there is no such thing as non-fat or low-fat food there. low sodium? forget about it. and my grandma - she loves to eat. she doesn't eat a lot in quantity, but if she sees something that she likes, she'll definitely have some, without even giving a thought as to whether or not she should. she doesn't understand that she needs to control herself. she thinks it's ok to eat fatty food now because it's been a year since her heart attack. she thinks it's good enough to just use a napkin to soak up the excess oil off of fried food. it bothers me so much, i can't even describe it...i feel sorry for her, that she has to go through this...i know it's hard to change your eating habits when you're in your late-seventies...but it seriously disgusts me just to think about the kind of food she would eat in india. i worry about her so much. i want her to be healthy. i can't stand the thought of her being in pain or discomfort...
but i have to think of her happiness too - and i know she really feels the need to go to india. so i guess if she does go, i have to try to accept it and not worry so much...
Monday, August 06, 2001
that post about walking style is bringing back a funny memory, so i thought i'd share: one day, cameron noticed that sean had a rather bouncy step. he seemed to be walking to a beat, as if there was some music playing in his head. anyway, so we started walking behind him singing "staying alive" - whenever he'd stop walking, we'd stop singing, and then when he'd start walking again, we'd start singing again. we were singing it pretty quietly and i don't think he heard. but he did know we were following behind him and that we were whispering and laughing about something, so he assumed we were making fun of his ass...so then he got all self-conscious about his ass being huge - i think at one point he just turned around and said out loud "ok i know i have a big ass, leave me alone!!!". cami and i were hysterical laughing and trying to assure him that we weren't making fun of his ass. but he wouldn't let us walk behind him anymore. he's such a baby sometimes...
do most people swing their arms when they walk? sean thinks i'm abnormal because my arms usually hang limp when i'm walking. i guess i just don't generate as much momentum or something, not when i'm walking at a normal pace anyway. i'm pretty sure they do swing when i'm walking briskly...anyway, sean is convinced that if i put more bounce in my step when i walk, i will swing my arms more, and thus look happier, and that is how i can get more people to talk to me...he told me to try it for a week. i think he's insane. first of all, i doubt anyone's gonna stop me on the street and start talking to me just because my arms are swinging. second, it's too hot right now to be working up a sweat walking like that. third, i'd just feel like a weirdo.
i wish i were home right now...
some relatives are in town visiting, and they have the cutest baby. i've never seen him in person, only in pictures. he's 3 now, so technically not a baby anymore. but like i said before, 3 is the best age. old enough to talk and say funny things, but young enough to still look adorable...anyway, so my mom just called to tell me how cute he was, and then he took the phone from her and started talking to me. he said "i wuvoo" (i love you) and "ah you shleepy?" (are you sleepy? - apparently everyone was asking him that so he picked it up). his dad has sort of a british-indian accent, and his mom is greek, and they live in georgia, so i had a hard time understanding what else he said. can you imagine if in the next few years he'll develop this weird indian-british-greek-southern accent??? how funny would that be...
i was just doing my dishes and all of a sudden, no hot water. none at all. it's not even luke-warm. in fact, the water coming out of the "hot" faucet seems even colder than the water coming out of the "cold" one. weird, huh?
it's almost 3 already?!?! how did that happen? i'm so out of it. had a rough night last night, couldn't sleep. felt sick. then after tossing around in bed for a while i started thinking about things that made me angry...which kept me up even longer...and when i woke up this morning, my hand was in this tight fist - my nails had made little indentations in my palm, it was so tight...that was kind of strange. i think it is stress-related.
anyway...i've been online for the past 2 hours looking for classes and emailing professors...haven't eaten, haven't showered...just feeling hot and tired and stressed... but i'm off to watch gh now. my little escape...
i'm so stressed about school...still don't know what i'm taking in the fall...i need to find 2 more classes. this is much harder than it seems. life would be a little easier if this one class i'm enrolled in was 3 units instead of just 2...and life would be much, much easier if i had been able to do independent study this summer as i had intended...why do i always seem to end up in these situations???
Sunday, August 05, 2001
i need a new title for this blog. new title, then new layout...getting tired of this one...i wish i were more creative. i always feel some sort of mental block when it comes to things like that. i need to make up a game for my instructional gaming class, but i'm not getting any interesting ideas for that either...there are some games we played that are really simple, yet so beautiful and fun and educational all at the same time...why can't i come up with one? it doesn't seem like it would be so hard to do, but i'm having such a difficult time...i shouldn't say that - i know this is not supposed to be hard work, it's supposed to be something for me to learn from, something for me to enjoy doing...and i shouldn't be putting pressure on myself to think of something, since that's not helping at all...i guess some people are just more creative than others and i should just accept that...but if i had a choice, i'd want that little extra dose of creativity...
do you ever wish you could try some of the stuff they make on iron chef? damn some of it looks so good...i'm getting hungry just watching it. but nothing i can cook is appealing to me anymore...
just took another personality test. why do i take so many of them? because i'm bored, extremely bored. anyway, this one was easy - no questions to answer, just colors. but colors tend to look different on my laptop so i don't know how accurate this was. i'll try it again later on another computer...for now, here's what it said about me: (my comments in red)
Your Existing Situation Working to improve her image in the eyes of others so as to obtain their compliance and agreement with her needs and wishes. i guess i do that sometimes... Your Stress Sources Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal. the first sentence is true, i don't know about the rest... Your Restrained Characteristics Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence. yup Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. unfortunately i'm not getting any Circumstances are restrictive and hampering, forcing her to forgo all joys and pleasures for the time being. true : ( Your Desired Objective Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful. have no idea what blending into a sensitivity of feeling means... Your Actual Problem Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants. i guess that's true, but it's certainly not my only problem...
Saturday, August 04, 2001
email cheers me up. especially when i get one that i'm not expecting. although i guess i was sorta expecting this one. but anyway. i just feel happy when i get any email these days because it's so rare (hint, hint).
anyway...this email was from a girl who just moved to ann arbor. she was looking for housing a couple months ago and sent out a mass email, and i was bored so i wrote her back and offered to help her out (since she lived in florida and it can be difficult to find housing when you don't live in the area). we emailed back and forth a few times, and she seemed pretty nice, so i told her to get in touch with me when she got here so we could hang out. and she just did. perfect timing too, because honestly i've been feeling incredibly lonely all day today. i'll give her a call tomorrow. i hope she's a night person because i tend to not go out in the daytime when it's this hot out...i am seriously sick of the summer weather...i wish it would cool down like 10 degrees...i can hope, can't i??
just felt like blogging, but i don't really have anything to write about, so...uh...yeah...how's everyone doing?
(sorry - i just don't have anyone to talk to right now and i start to go a little insane talking to myself...)
i'm still listening to mtv...i won't be doing this all day, i promise. i'll turn it off as soon as the spice girls come on. and i know they will. but anyway...i just think it's cool how hearing a song can remind you of a certain time in your life, specific incidents or people you knew...i hated high school for the most part, but hearing music that i used to listen to back then is bringing back good memories...
i better get off line. i swear i'll keep blogging every 2 minutes reminiscing about all this music...and now they are doing the chili peppers-nivana-pearl jam years...which i can still listen to and enjoy without wondering what the hell i was thinking..."i'm too sexy" on the other hand...
rem...losing my religion...this is bringing back memories...i remember when this song came out my cousin came to visit from texas and he loved this song. my other cousins and i used to make fun of him by singing it with an exaggerated southern accent...ok, i guess you had to be there. it was funny at the time. really.
you down with opp?
this mtv thing is cracking me up...rico suave's on now...just a short clip thank god. whatever happened to arrested development? almost forgot about them...
just flipped on mtv about a half hour ago and realized they are showing a recap of the past 20 years. i didn't turn it on until 1989-90 though, so i missed all the 80's stuff. but it's kinda funny watching videos i used to watch back then...paula abdul...mc hammer...bon jovi...sinead o'connor...i feel like i'm back in 7th grade. anyway, i don't know what they're showing now. i thought they'd go on to 1991-92, but it doesn't seem like it...and i can't stand that carson guy...i wish they would just show the videos without having him talk so much...
Friday, August 03, 2001
i just wanted to express my disappointment with general hospital. first of all, the whole "jax is back" thing was a huge let-down. all week, they've been showing the commericals telling us to watch this week, and what happened? nothing. he just stole the necklace and took of his mask at the very end of the show so we could see it was him. well, duh. come on gh!!! give us something good!! the whole luke story is weird too...and boring...so sick of the cassadines now...and you can totally tell that elizabeth's pregnant even though they are trying to hide it...and that angel chick is annoying...and the new carly is really bad...does anyone else watch or am i just rambling for no purpose?...i miss having people around to discuss soaps with...i know there are like a million message boards for this type of thing but i hate reading them...too time-consuming...anyway, i just wanted to state my opinions on the current state of the show...in short, it sucks right now. i hope it gets better soon.
it really annoys me when i come to a site that will only work with internet explorer. i hate using internet explorer. i realize that some of the sites that i made for school projects only work with internet explorer, but that's different because a bunch of random people aren't going to look at them everyday. and if i knew how to fix them so that they could be viewed with other browsers, i would. anyway. aside from the fact that i can't look at certain blogs and personal sites, the last one i went to really pissed me off because |