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Friday, December 28, 2001
the kids are driving me up the wall...ok, not all the time. but more than they usually do. i can't stand all the fighting and crying and yelling and name-calling. the younger one's been especially moody and sensitive the past few days. i can't deal. i don't know how their parents stand all this nonsense. i suppose when you have kids you just get used to it.
anyway. i haven't really done anything exciting. going to manhattan tomorrow morning. my cousin finally called tonight and she said to bring the kids there for lunch tomorrow. ugh. i was hoping to get away from the kids for a day, but they're so excited about meeting miss movie star...whatever...i couldn't care less. i didn't really like her the first time i met her. the kids are obsessed with her though. they are really, really into indian movies. they're watching one right now. even though their parents told them to go to bed over an hour ago. *sigh* i want to watch letterman!!! damn 3 hour indian movies!!! 
Thursday, December 27, 2001
i'm stuck with the kids today. they're watching a movie right now so i figured i'd blog while i had the chance. although i don't really have much to say...went shopping yesterday, but i didn't buy anything. just didn't see anything i really liked, or didn't have the patience to look.
it's so odd when both the kids are being nice and quiet at the same time. in general it seems like whenever one of them is being good, the other's being fussy and crying, and vice versa. the last time i visited, the older one was being a brat, this time the younger one is. both of them are spoiled - not in the sense that they get whatever toys they want. but they just get their way a lot, you know? especially the younger one. then they throw fits whenever someone doesn't let them get their way. it's annoying. oh well...i guess this is the way kids are...not much i can do about it.
Monday, December 24, 2001
i'm just bored. nothing much to say really. the house is so quiet with everyone gone...
my cousin never called tonight. kinda rude, don't you think? my grandma raised her (her mom died when she was a little kid) so you'd think she'd at least call to say happy birthday to her...anyway...that's just the way she is. oh, and the reason i even brought up the fact that this friend of hers is a celebrity is because...well, i think my cousin feels as though she has to look and act a certain way around her because of that, you know? i mean, getting her hair done, buying new (expensive) outfits whenever she's going to see her, spending a lot of money that she doesn't really have...she seems to try too hard to impress her or something. i think if i ever have a celebrity for a friend, it would be the laid-back kind, someone who doesn't care that i'm not wearing designer clothes and that i don't have perfectly manicured nails and that i can't afford to buy expensive gifts...but anyway...my cousin gets really defensive if anyone comments on how much she does for this friend. she has another good friend, an indian actor who is even more famous than this one, but she was never like this with him. not that i know of anyway. moving on... i really don't know what i'm going to do here for 2 weeks. i mean, it's new york, there's plenty to do, but...i don't know. i'm just not really into being here right now. i don't know if sean was serious about me taking a train down to visit him. he hasn't emailed me back, so...i'll just leave it alone. i'll try to get out and go to some museums or something...even though i hate going to museums alone. i hate wandering around ny alone in general. i get lost easily. and it's kinda cold. my feet are freezing right now. ok, i think i'll go to bed now. the kids will be back tomorrow so if all else fails, at least i can mess around with them. they're less annoying now than they were 6 months ago. funny how kids change. oh, i bought them a video as a present. unfortunately, it's a stupid "movie" - i hate to even use the word "movie" to describe it...but yeah...mary-kate and ashley olsen are their favorites, so...i figured it would be the safe choice. they have bad taste, what can i do???
hello from new york...
well so far i've been a little poopy here...there's a lot of stuff i want to do, as usual, but i just wish i had some company...some good company. i'm a little annoyed because one of my cousins is...well, preoccupied. a good friend of hers (an indian actress who shall remain nameless) just came today, she's going to stay in manhattan for a month. my cousin's going to stay with her - i saw the apartment last night, it's really nice. of course she is paying $6,000 a month for it. but anyway. my cousin just completely forgets about/ignores everyone else when her friend is around. she just goes out of her way to do things for her...it's ridiculous sometimes. i don't know how to explain. but the point is, i won't be able to hang out with her and do stuff because she'll be with her friend the entire time, i'm sure. so, i'm kinda pissed about that. anyway, so as for my first day here...well, i attempted to go to ground zero. my uncle insisted on driving there, mostly because my aunt and some of her relatives who were visiting also wanted to go there. but, he has absolutely no sense of direction sometimes. just gets totally confused in manhattan. we drove around in cicles for god knows how long. and he's so damn impatiet, didn't want to park the car, so we basically got off, walked around a little bit, while he kept calling us to tell us to get back to the car. irritating!! i want to go back there, alone, and take my time. i heard an observation deck of some sort is going to open soon (couldn't really see much at all when i went). so then we went to rockefeller center and basically the same thing happened again. i don't know what my uncle's problem is. (i call him scrooge sometimes.) but anyway, i have never in my life seen that many people at rockefeller - it took us forever to walk through. found out it was because the olympic torch was just brought there right when we happened to arrive! so, that was kinda cool. i tried to take pictures but i'm not sure if they came out or not. i'm too short, couldn't really get high enough over all the other people's heads. it was pretty though, they put all these candles on the ice rink... other than that, i haven't really done much. my uncle, aunt, and younger cousins took off for atlantic city. the kids are making me wait until they come back tomorrow evening to open the presents!! how rude!! ah, whatever. i don't think i got much. today's my grandma's birthday, so i'm just sitting here with her hoping that my cousin (the one who's hanging out with her friend) calls and suggests we take her out or something. i doubt she will, but she mentioned something to that affect this morning. she's a flake though, so who knows. i could be sitting here all night. speaking of my cousin, she talked me into going to the salon with her this morning to get my hair done while she was getting hers done. oh my god, i am never ever going back there again. talk about a high-stress environment. who knew that going to a salon would be such torture?!?! i'm so pissed i went. i really needed a haircut, but it just was not worth it. ok first of all, this place was a mad-house. i can't even explain. it's like they had hair washing, cutting, blow drying, etc. and they also had manicure/pedicure, massages, waxing, and who knows what else. but the space itself was really small, and there were way too many people in there - customers, staff, and some random little kids running around. ugh, ok. so i go to the back to have some freak "wash" my hair - first of all they didn't have the full length chairs where your legs stretch out, so it was very uncomfortable. then the lady used cold water to wash my hair! it was 30 something degrees out and she's washing my hair with cold water?!?! wtf?? i was just miserable, she wasn't doing a good job and my back was killing me from sitting like that. just sucked. then this other guy starts cutting my hair - keep in mind hardly any of the people working at this place spoke much english. they really weren't talking to me at all. just doing their business and moving along. anyway. i told this guy i just wanted a trim. before he started cutting he showed me how much he was cutting and asked if it was ok, i said yeah. so he takes forever to do this, then goes back and cuts some more, then makes some weird angled cuts, makes layers - it seemed like i was sitting there for an hour! i mean, he had to re-wet my hair quite a bit before blow-drying because he took so long to cut it. oh yeah, and at one point, this lady who was cutting hair in the next chair came over and looked at my head and said something to the guy. i have no idea what they were saying about my hair because it was in their language, not english. so that annoyed me. ok, then he blow dries and finally ends by using one of those straightening things - it hurt like hell!! i felt like my hair was being pulled out. torture, i tell you!! *sigh* anyway. it looks ok right now - actually it doesn't look like my hair at all because it's so straight. when i saw the back of my head in the mirror, i didn't recognize it. he basically gave me a cut that would work great for an asian woman with straight hair. unfortunately, my hair doesn't work quite the same way. so i'm worried about what it'll look like in a few days. really worried. this could be really bad. alright, enough rambling for now. the blogging will be sporadic over the next couple weeks, but if anyone is still reading this, merry christmas!
Saturday, December 22, 2001
i was unsuccessful with the last minute present hunt. i really just wanted to get 2 for my younger cousins. i hate going there with no presents for them. i know they'd be happy if i even brought some stickers or something tacky for them to tie their hair with - they're silly like that. but i couldn't find anything. thought about getting them some sanrio stuff but i got really confused looking at all that...couldn't decide...sigh...just like when i was their age and would go insane in the sanrio store because i couldn't figure out what to get for myself!
anyway. this trip just looks worse and worse. one of my cousins (i'm talking about the older ones now, not the kids) is out of town; another has a good friend coming to visit and she'll probably be spending every minute with her. that puts a big wrinkle in my plans. i really don't know what i'm going to do there now...plus the relatives i'm staying with have other people coming over as well. i swear there are always too many people in that house!! drives me nuts. sean said i could take a train down to dc to visit him. but he has some other friends visiting too, so...i don't know... anyway...i gotta pack. i'm so far behind schedule, it's not even funny.
Friday, December 21, 2001
of course i slacked again. my readers are probably wondering why i'm so tired all the time. well...it's a combination of things. i'm too tired to go into it - ha ha. tired, get it? anyway. i have to get a lot of things done tomorrow before i leave...i hate waiting until the last minute. i get all stressed and usually end up forgetting something...almost forgot to call a cab tonight, just did that an hour ago. it pisses me off that they charge $40. but everyone else i know is gone already, so i didn't really have a choice. *grumble, grumble*
so much to do, so little energy...have to do laundry, clean my apartment, buy presents for my cousins. pay rent, pay the bills...
and i have to find a ride to the airport, which is kind of hard considering at least half the town has left already. guess i'll end up calling a cab...i'd ask this one friend to give me a ride, but she has an international license, so she's not supposed to drive without someone with a US license in the car with her. so she could drop me off at the airport, but then it would be a bit illegal for her to drive back to ann arbor alone. sucks.
Thursday, December 20, 2001
got tickets!!! (finally!)
i'll be heading to new york on saturday...staying there for 2 weeks. so, that's cool. i'm happy i won't be all alone for the holidays. i have to fly spirit, which i hate, but hey, i'll take what i can get at this point.
ok, i'm officially done now, i think. accidentally sent the wrong file, so i felt a little stupid about that. but whatever. just sent another email with the correct file. i'm so out of it. don't feel good. still haven't bought tickets. i do have to get that done tonight...
my cousin just randomly decided to go to australia. she called a little while ago and was like "you wanna come? we're leaving tomorrow". but that's a little too spur of the moment for me. although i admit i did see some really, really cheap fares to europe and i considered that for a second. *sigh* i hope one day i get rich and can just fly off to places whenever i feel like it. anyway...my head's all foggy and i'm having trouble deciding what to do right now...which tickets to buy, when to leave, etc. i *could* in theory leave as early as tomorrow, that way i won't have to spend christmas alone. but with those last minute tickets, i can't tell what time the flight is and whether it's direct or a connection...with my luck, it'll be a 6 AM flight that goes from here to chicago then to new york. and it'll take 6 hours due to a long layover. so...i'm not sure if i want to take that risk when i can get a direct flight at a normal hour for almost the same price. the only problem is, it would be on dec. 28 instead of tomorrow. so it's basically a question of how much would i mind staying here for christmas...hmm...i don't know. it wouldn't be the end of the world, but it would be kinda sad...
it is so frustrating trying to find tickets at the last minute. i've been really out of it this week, didn't realize it was less than a week to christmas. so...i'll be stuck here alone for that : (
i'm trying to go somewhere for new year's though. today's the 20th, so hopefully i can get something on the 27th...can't find anything to california until january though...well, not for under $800 anyway...so i'm trying to get a ticket to new york. actually, i should probably make sure that my relatives are going to be there first. anyway. another possibility is dc but i'm not sure if this is a good time...probably not...i really would prefer to go to california, but things got so screwed up. i didn't look for tickets earlier because i wasn't planning on moving until early january. didn't want to make 2 trips there. but now i'm not moving yet, so...now i do want to go there... why am i so disorganized?!?! alright, i really need to finish up that last paper first...
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
ok...spoke to my dad...his first thought was that i should go back to california, mainly because of the not-getting-out-enough thing. that i'll have people around and not be so lonely over there...but the thing is, i really don't think i would go out all that much even if i were in california right now. it's not like i had this full social life before i came to michigan. my friends there are all busy with their jobs and boyfriends and whatever...anyway, so i told my dad that i really don't think i would go out much even in california, and i also mentioned the class that i want to audit here, and so we talked about it for a while and he said to stay here. the only real concern would be finding someone to sublet in the middle of the semester. i can see that being a problem...so...yeah...i'm still confused, but leaning towards staying here for a while.
am i totally nuts???
anyway...so...i haven't finalized things about the apartment yet. i'm having doubts. i'm starting to think i'd rather stay here until i find a job. but then again...i don't know!!! i'm just really confused.
reasons to sublet and go back to california: - much better food - much better weather - i won't be quite as lonely there - i'll probably get out a little more - might have trouble finding someone to sublet in the middle of the semeter (assuming i find a job by the middle of the semester) reasons to stay here: - peaceful and quiet (no mom yelling at me and getting on my case - well, maybe a little over the phone) - i can audit some classes i'm interested in that weren't offered the past 2 years - won't have to move twice if i find a job that isn't in the bay area. - free HBO (ok, silly reason, but it did cheer me up when i figured out how to get it) - i can stay online as much as i like (another silly one, but my mom is always on the phone) this isn't helping much...and there are other things to think about too...i'm just trying to figure out what would be easier and make more sense. my mom's not really objective - she just wants me home. maybe i'll talk to my dad about it...i don't know...
it's snowing!! it's snowing!!!
i has this dream last night that it snowed like a foot. but then i woke up and looked outside and remembered that it hadn't started snowing yet. but now it is snowing a little bit. it's pretty. don't like to be outside and cold, but i like watching from inside. oh, it's stopped already. guess it won't be piling up on the ground yet.
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
ok nevermind about that job. i just looked at the detailed description and i saw this:
Work Environment: Moderate exposure to dust, grease, noise, inclement weather, temperature extremes, and unpleasant but not hazardous odors; occasional exposure to risks controlled by safety precautions; frequency and severity are limited. Physical Demands: Sustained posture or intense attentiveness for prolonged periods; light lifting (less than 30 lbs.), some walking, pushing, pulling, on a regular basis. uh...first of all, i'm a software designer. i don't do lifting, pushing, or pulling. second, unpleasant odors?? uh, no thanks. i have a sensitive nose. and on top of all that, they really don't pay much.
anyone in california know where mission viejo is? i'm considering applying for a job there. i know it's in southern cal (yuck) and in orange county i think (double yuck) but if it's a nice area i might consider it...
there i go again...i should probably *apply* for the job before i start debating over whether i would move there.
so i gave in and told that guy he can have the apartment for $550. mostly due to pressure from my mom. can't take it back now, huh? i'd actually prefer to stay here until i find a job, but i really can't stand listening to my mom's angry phone calls anymore. anyway. at least i'll get nice hot showers at home. although my mom's house is freezing most of the time, especially compared to my apartment here which never seems to get below 70 degrees regardless of how cold it may be outside. and that's with the heater off and window open. i've always lived in cold places before this apartment. my place in berkeley was always freezing too. i'd have to turn the heat on in the summer. it was pretty ridiculous. anyway. so whenever i go home to visit i'm always shivering or curled up in a blanket. as opposed to me wearing a tank top and shorts in my apartment here. why am i babbling so much today? i don't even know what my point was anymore.
i really shouldn't have taken that 3-hour nap. i know i was tired but i'm worried i won't fall asleep easily tonight because of that.
me again. you know, if i ever work up the nerve to actually read the paper i just turned in today, i think it will embarrass the hell out of me. i have no idea what i was writing. it was some kind of been up for 30 hours straight nonsense kinda like what i'm doing now.
alrighty i'm going to bed now.
ugh!!!! i make myself so mad sometimes. i hate turning in papers late. it's so not like me, and yet i've turned in so many things late this semester. pisses me off. i didn't finish this paper until 4:30, ran over and dropped it off in my professor's mailbox but she left at 4 so i know she won't get it until tomorrow and she might be mad. not only that, it's a bad paper. probably had a million typos and this professor is the type who takes off for typos. she's just really anal and i don't know. anyway, i'm just irritated with myself for taking such a long time to finish the paper. i don't know why it took me that long. none of the other papers i've written in one night have lasted all the way until 4 the next afternoon. ok, maybe one did. and that was a really bad paper too.
anyway, this one was pretty long, but it was a lot of bullet points. i don't know if she'll go for that. i didn't even have anything to put in my bibliography because i didn't bother looking for related literature just for the hell of it. i didn't need any literature for my project, so why bother? anyway. it's over, i get it. oh and actually it's not my last paper. forgot i have to write one more. it's basically a lot of the same material i wrote in this one. but i will write that when i'm awake and try to do a better job with it. i am so tired right now. started dozing off around 3 while i was trying to proofread my paper, which explains why i probably still have a lot of typos. hard to spot them when my eyes are closed and i'm in and out of consciousness. alright i know i babble too much when i'm tired. i better go lie down before my body just gives out on me.
damn this is taking forever. yup, i'm still up. it's kind of amazing how i do this so often without the use of coffee.
anyway...i thought i would be further along by now but this paper is taking forever. the professor didn't really give us a clear indication of what's supposed to be included in it, and it's supposed to be at least 15 pages long, which is killing me. i'm horrible at writing anything longer than 8 pages. short and sweet, that is my style. you probably can't tell from how much i blog, but when i write papers for school i am really very concise and don't bs which makes it hard to fill up space. anyway, aside from that, i also have to analyze some data that i gathered during user testing and i also have to assess the students' work which i haven't even looked at yet. so...i've got a ways to go...and i need to get some sleep at some point because my fingers are hurting.
i must finish my paper. i must, i must, i must!!! (just trying to give myself a little pep talk, don't mind me)
it is not just any paper, it's my last school paper ever! (ok, i won't say "ever" because knowing me, i will probably go back to school at some point...but it's my last michigan paper ever!) it's my last paper before i get my master's degree...cool, huh? if only i would get my ass in gear and finish the damn thing. why did i only ask for a 1-day extension?!?! should have asked for 2. i really thought i'd get it done today though...my mind gets preoccupied so easily sometimes...it's like i can't focus when i have all this other shit going on...saturday it was my mom. sunday...well, sunday i was just really tired. and there was too much stuff on tv...monday...all this apartment stuff. i'm just confused. and i don't really know why. and for some strange reason i woke up too early today. i don't know why, that's so unlike me. so i'm sleepy. and this paper is just weird and i don't know what to write or how to organize it...*sigh*... but anyway. i have to finish it and get it over with...
Monday, December 17, 2001
damnit, i think i'm gonna be up all night working on this report. my mind has been moving at a snail's pace all day today.
that guy emailed again and he said that in my ad the price i listed was something "over $500 but under $600", which is total bullshit. i don't know if he has bad eyesight or what. i told him to look at the ad again so he can see that my rent is $735. i did write in the ad that the rent is negotiable, but he's not really negotiating, he's telling me he'll pay $525. oh excuse me, he went up to $550 now after i hassled him about it. i don't mean to be scrounging for a few extra bucks, but my apartment is worth a lot more than $525. if he wants to pay around that much, there are plenty of other apartments available in ann arbor that are shitty and much cheaper. alright, i know i'm desperate and i'll probably give it to him anyway. the fact is, i wouldn't be hesitating so much if he gave me a better impression - more responsible, tidy, etc. and part of me probably doesn't want to go back home right now. not that i love michigan, i still dislike a lof of things about it. but it's quiet and i feel at peace here. i don't feel that way at home.
i'm tired. i'm worried i won't finish this last report tonight...*sigh*...i don't know what my problem is. i think the whole apartment thing is weighing on me. and i'm just worn out right now in general. i can't ask for another day again. must keep chugging and somehow get this thing done...
that guy is kinda weird...emailed me back, but still didn't say a specific price. what does "the $500 range" mean exactly??? $510? $550? $585?? oh and he wants to pay me in a lump sum, which i think is kinda weird. i mean, i'm not complaining - if he has troubling handling his money, it's better that he pays in advance. it's just a bit strange, you know? who likes to pay rent in a lump sum??
anyway. i'm going to finish my report and then sit down with a calculator and think about it tomorrow...
i don't know what to do about this whole apartment mess. so confusing!!! that guy who looked at it on sunday is interested, but i'm not sure if i want to give it to him. i hate to stereotype, but he didn't exactly give a good impression...doesn't seem like the most responsible guy. and besides, he thought the rent was considerably less than what it actually is. i said that it was negotiable, but i'm not sure exactly what he's willing to pay...i just emailed him to ask for a specific amount. (when i spoke to him he said "5 something" - does that mean like $510 or $580? makes a difference to me). if i break the lease, i'd lose my deposit and also have to pay rent until they find someone else to take it. the office manager seems to think this would be a while and that i'm better off subletting. but i could stay here for another month or so...don't have a job yet, or any other reason to leave right away (other than warmer weather and good food, but keep in mind that i would have to live at home until i find a job). i'm just not sure. i'll probably lose 2-3 months' rent either way...so...how do i decide???
Sunday, December 16, 2001
one of my ex-roommates just sent me a belated birthday e-card. that's so nice of her, i don't care that it's late. i thought she'd forgotten all about me by now...and i probably missed her birthday too. don't really remember if i sent her something or not. my brain's fried. anyway...i didn't have a point to this, i just think it's nice when people remember, especially people i haven't spoken to in so long.
why is my brain not working anymore?? i feel like all these years of school have taken a toll on me. can't think anymore. i'm too tired. i want it to be over already. ok, technically it would be over right now if i would get all my work done like i'm supposed to. but anyway. i think i'll end up having to ask my professors for an extension. just one day. i really don't think i can get my paper done by tomorrow. it's just not happening.
my mom called. she didn't apologize or anything like that (the words "i'm sorry" don't seem to exist in her vocabulary), but she's calmed down. didn't seem upset anymore. she's so damn moody.
anyway. i watched a little bit of the graduation ceremony on tv. looked boring. some author i've never heard of gave a bad speech, then phd students got to have their names called, then they went through each department telling the people to stand, then said "congratulations on your graduation" (they didn't get to walk across the stage and have their names read because they are lowly undergrads and masters students). that was pretty much it. i'm glad i didn't waste 4 hours of my day to go to that. i would have fallen asleep for sure.
Saturday, December 15, 2001
because i really need to get this out of my system tonight, here goes (again)...
i spoke to my mom tonight and she was really mad, trying to lay some sort of guilt-trip on me to get me to go to graduation. i understand why she's upset, but she completely over-reacted!! sometimes, she says really cruel things to me, and it's just not right. there's no reason for her to be so mean...i really don't remember how i explained it the first time i attempted to write this, but...i'll try. what she said was basically "you have to go. you have no choice in the matter. if you don't go then don't expect me to do anything for you ever again". something along those lines. at first, i was very calm, just waited for her to finish, kept my voice down, and explained to her as nicely as possible why i'm not going. but, she wouldn't listen to me. she raised her voice, she started accusing me of...of...i don't know exactly what...of telling her not to come, or of not telling her when my graduation was...she wasn't really making much sense. so then i started to get a little mad, a little defensive. i reminded her that she had emailed me last month and asked when my graduation was. i wrote back saying it was on dec. 16. she asked if she should come, and i replied by asking her if she would get a hotel room if she did come. she said no, being a cheap indian and all...so, i told her not to come if she's not getting a hotel room to stay in. i didn't say this in a rude way, i explained to her that a) i have finals i need to work on that weekend; b) she's loud and talks too much, which makes it hard for me to concentrate on my work; c) she snores *unbelievably* loud, making it impossible for me to sleep; and d) my apartment is just not large enough for me to deal with a, b, and c. she knows all this and understands, and she agreed with me about that. yet because she didn't want to pay for a hotel room, she decided not to come. so i reminded her of all that, and i even offered to send her the emails as proof if she didn't believe me. she wasn't having any of it though. she just got really pissed and started yelling at me...just said some really cruel things to me. i know it was bull and that she'll forget about it soon enough, but the point is, there is no excuse for her say those things to me. i understand why she feels the way she does, i really do. i'm not insensitive to all that. but just because she's emotional and upset that i'm not going to graduation doesn't mean that she can say the things she said to me and basically order me to go. i'm 24. it's my life. it's *my* graduation, not hers. as much as she seems to want to live through me, she can't. i'd know if i was feeling like i'm missing out on something by not going to graduation. i've felt that type of regret before, and i know what it's like. i don't feel that way now. i'm totally clear about that. sure, i regret the fact that no one is coming. i feel sad that my dad didn't even ask me about it. i feel sad that other relatives who mentioned a while back that they'd like to come aren't going to. but, given the fact that no one is coming, i really don't feel like there is any reason for me to go, sentimental value or otherwise. and i'm as certain as i can possibly be that i won't regret not going. if i do regret it later, i'll deal with it. if necessary, i'll fly back here for the may graduation. that's always an option. anyway. basically, i think my mom needs therapy. anger management, among other things...i know she's hurt, i know i'm not pleasing her, but that's not a good enough reason for her to say the things she said to me tonight.
damnit. i just lost another entry. a really long and serious one. i had planned on copying and pasting it somewhere else just to be safe, but when i finished writing it, i hit publish out of habit...and then it was too late...all gone...
ok, then i lost what i just wrote above too, but when i came back to the site later, it gave me a pop-up message saying that it had recovered it and put it back in the edit area, but what about the post i lost before that one?? how can i get that back?? (ok, i doubt i can, but now i'm just irritated that i was able to get back the meaningless and unimportant post but not the one that i really want back)
what's going on with blogger? two long entries didn't make it.
ok, first, a summary of my summary of the first entry: user testing went well, except it was really early in the morning for me and for the girls testing it out. i got a lot of compliments on my project from the adults who were supervising them though. not so sure what the girls though of it, they didn't exactly give me great feedback on the forms, being 12 and all...but they were nice kids. second, a summary of the second post: that guy actually showed up to look at my apartment. i don't know if he liked it or not. he seems desperate though. but you know what? i should really ask how much it would cost for me to just break the lease. because what if that turns out to be cheaper than subletting? it would be much easier for me to break the lease, and i also won't be liable for any damages he might do to the place.
Friday, December 14, 2001
i didn't get much done today. my brain's fuzzy. probably just from being so tired. i fixed the form and then pretty much just vegged out in front of the tv the rest of the day. didn't get around to working on that final. i don't think the professor will mind if i send it to him within the next day or two...i'll try to get more of it done tonight though. i think i'll be going insane again this weekend because of my report due monday. i don't really know what to write...
anyway. this guy's coming to look at the apartment tomorrow. or at least, i *think* he is. a while back he made an appointment and didn't show up. (said he was sick) then he made another appointment and didn't show up again. at that point, i gave up on him. but he emailed back yesterday and i said "aren't you the guy who made 2 appointments and never showed up?" and he said yes, and that it was because he had to dis-enroll. kinda weird - i mean, regardless of the reason why he never showed up those 2 times, he should have called and let me know. but whatever. hopefully he actually will show up tomorrow.
sean emailed - i hadn't head from him in 10-12 days or so. i'm worried about him. he seems miserable in DC, but at the same time i know that's where he wants to be, so it's hard to be supportive when all he talks about it is how much he hates it there. i think he'd like it better if he had a real job, rather than being an intern. i just don't know what to tell him sometimes...he's not like me - he's quite the oppostite really - so i can't tell him to do what i would do. none of the choices he's made have really made any sense to me, so it's difficult for me to understand what goes on in his head and give him better advice or support...i just don't know what he wants or needs...
the phd student i'm working for is annoying me again...i showed her my feedback form yesterday, she she suggested a few changes that i should make - nothing big, just little things. so i made those changes and emailed it to her today, and now she just wrote me back a HUGE email telling me all these other things that i should change. why didn't she tell me these things yesterday when i showed her the form and asked her if it was ok?!?! and one of the things she wants me to change is something that was HER idea to begin with. i wanted to just give them numbers to circle like normal feedback forms. but when i first talked to her about this last month, she told me to make lines and have them put marks on the lines. i thought that was stupid, but i was just like ok, if that's what she wants then that's what i'll do.
anyway. my point is, now i have to COMPLETELY re-do the form TODAY. change the questions and everything. ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and oh yeah i still have that other final to finish too. great.
ever feel really sleepy but just don't feel like going to bed? that's how i feel right now. i have no idea why i'm still up at 4 AM. i've been ready to crash since about 3 in the afternoon. i think i'm just really tense or something...i want to do nothing but sleep tomorrow, but i told one of my professors i'd send him my final by tomorrow. this is for the class that i rarely went to, even though it's probably the best class offered here - i just felt awkward being the only grad student and non-athlete in there. (yup, it's one of those easy classes for football players. oddly enough, it's required for my specialization.) i don't really know what to write in the paper, having not attended the class much. but a friend who took it last year told me that 2 pages is good enough, and i wrote about 2/3 of a page tonight, so...i think i can finish tomorrow, assuming i can get out of bed. then saturday...i'm gonna have to wake up really early. it's user-testing day for my project!! kinda scary. i've never had actual students use anything i've designed before. they've all been non-working demos. i just wish it didn't have to be so early on a saturday morning...
alright...i should really go to bed now. my body aches.
Thursday, December 13, 2001
i just wasted half an hour playing this. mostly stuck on level 5. stupid game, yet oddly addicting.
my mom's mad at me because i'm not going to graduation. (it's this sunday) and some other people are telling me i'm crazy for not going and that i'll regret it...but i don't really see the point in going. if anyone else in my program was going, i'd consider it. if any of my friends/family was coming here to attend and watch me walk across the stage, i would go. but no one is, so...i just think it would be pointless. i don't even think they'll read my name anyway (seems like they only read phd students' names), so it would just be walking across the stage with some strangers, shaking the dean's hand, walking off the stage, and then sitting there for god knows how long while everyone else walks across. and then i leave, and that's it. it sounds depressing. my college graduation was depressing enough for me - and i did have a lot of people come to watch and cheer when my name was called. i got flowers and balloons, etc. then everyone left and it was all over and i got really sad. i can only imagine graduation here being about 20 times worse because i won't have the cheers and the flowers and hugs and all that. so would i regret not going? i don't think i will.
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
did i think i was superwoman? thinking i could actually finish doing everything i wanted to do on that project? why did i volunteer to write up so much of the paper? (actually, i ended up having to write up even more than what i had volunteered to do because other people didn't write sections that they said they would, just completely forgot about them). and i had all these other ideas, things that i wanted to do for the project as well...more sketches i wanted to include, etc. but i didn't get time. how did i really expect that i would be able to get it all done? i'm human, and i do need to sleep. i get tired. why was i driving myself insane? i'm in such bad shape right now, not feeling well at all. sleep-deprived. no energy. and i still have 2 papers to write that i haven't even started yet...
and in general...trying to pull the whole report together at the last minute today was really stressful and i'm still feeling wound up about it now. i probably put things in the wrong order or forgot some things...i don't even want to think about it....it's done. i'm just glad i listed all the stuff i did in the "division of labor" section to make it clear that i wrote up a good 2/3 or maybe even 3/4 of the paper...and to show that other people did very little or nothing at all...i went so far as to list who did which sketches - because mine were clearly the best, and everyone else's sketches showed that they didn't learn or use any of the techniques we were taught in the class. i don't know if the professor would look at them that closely, but all the information is there if does want to know. it doesn't matter though. what are grades anyway? i haven't gotten anything less than an A- in grad school and i would like to keep it that way - hell, i was mad about a couple of those A-'s to be honest. but really, it doesn't matter. i don't think any of the jobs i'm applying for even care what my gpa is. so...yeah...tomorrow, i will try to breathe and relax...and work on my paper that i said i would turn in on friday...for now, i need to get to bed because i have a meeting tomorrow morning. can't sleep in no matter how much my body wants to : (
hmm...maybe i shouldn't have taken this today given my feelings towards the group i was working with...anyway, got the link from milly. she's a banana.
 Strawberry: 30/100 Pear: 60/100 Banana: 30/100 Tomato: 20/100 Lemon: 20/100 Take the What Fruit Are You? test by  webkin and aaronr!
i'm so tired.
turned in the project...was 10 minutes late or so, but the professor was nice and waited for us. hannah made a beautiful comp. (or actually, her housemate is the one who drew it, but i'm just saying...it was really nice). that was the only piece of good news. the other girl did a crappy job with the stuff i asked her to do. really crappy. the guy did a few things...i didn't really get a chance to look at them. i think they were ok. but he got a little mad at me because i told him i would print out his storyboard for him (the reason i offered was because i wanted to edit it a little and take out a few things), and i did print it out, but...i didn't print it out in color. i thought it would be ok because he was printing out color versions of his comps anyway. but i think he was a little annoyed and would have liked to print it out in color himself. oh well. i couldn't print my stuff out in color either. i tried, but...i don't know...i changed the print properties to color, but it still didn't do it. i don't know why not. that's just what i get for waiting until the last minute to print stuff out. i couldn't even find one of the files i was supposed to print out. spent 20 minutes trying to figure out where it could be and emailing the others to ask if they had it...no luck...so, i had to tear it out of the interim report. technically, we should have made changes to it between then and now, but...oh well...lol...it was all wrinkly and shit too because i had thrown that report on the ground and walked all over it. anyway...i have a couple more papers to write so...this isn't the end...thank god i have no more group projects though. yay.
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
i'm so fucking tired...this is ridiculous...falling sick is not helping...i'm still having a lot of trouble writing the style guide. i made up the fonts myself - said we used arial for everything. who gives a shit if the actual fonts used in our comps are different? i don't. the professor might, but screw it.
anyway...i'm just taking a 15-min break. should go back to work. what's left?...mostly trying to figure out the sizes of the various components in our software. it's hard to randomly make up stuff like "this button will be 50 by 30 pixels in size and will be placed 20 pixels from the bottom left hand corner". shit like that. and i am totally making it up because i really have no concept of how many pixels things are. but they have to be reasonable, and they have to add up correctly to be aligned etc. it's all gibberish i know. anyway...still have to do some sketches...damn...and the content inventory...and the goals and specs need to be re-written...damn, how did i get stuck with doing all this?!?! oh and i also have to compile everyone's task analyses. but no one emailed them to me...grrrr...that makes me mad. this whole experience made me mad. i just want it to be over!!!!!
hannah (the one group member that i'm not currently pissed at) came over for a little while to give me some stuff and figure out what else needs to get done, and she pretty much agreed with me about all the inconsistencies, and how bad the stuff that the other 2 people did looks. i didn't even bring it up - she did. so that proves i'm not being picky. maybe i get mad about these things easily while hannah complains but doesn't let it get to her as much. i don't know. maybe it was getting to her a little too. she was saying how people in SI work on different sections separately then try to throw everything together at the last minute and nothing matches up right. that's pretty much what happened here. except people didn't even do what they were supposed to do because they're LAZY. i think part of the problem is that they're first semester students as well. hannah and i are both ed students, both second year...we know the quality of work that is expected for final projects here, or at least in the school of ed. if anything, grading in SI seems even harder. anyway...i have a lot of work to do, so i better get back to it...
oh and did i mention i'm getting sick? just what i need.
why is my group so lazy? why can't they follow directions? it's clearly written that we need to have alternate layout comps for everything, but no one made any.
and some of them are just weird. one girl is obviously a mac person - she used chicago font all over the place!! yuck. we decided we were making this for PC's. so why all the chicago font?!?! the professor even commented in one of the lectures about how much he hates the chicago font. i don't want to be overly picky, but the thing is, we're supposed to be consistent. no one else in the group used chicago font in any of their sections. and i have to write the style guide, so how do i explain the use of chicago font for the screen she did?!?! it doesn't make any sense. do people who use mac's just grow to like the chicago font? become used to it? is it a font you would decide to use for other things, just because you see it so often?? i'm sorry...i just think it's strange. it's an ugly font. i'm scared to open up the file the guy just emailed me...worried i'll get pissed about something else...
Monday, December 10, 2001
i was going to vent about my projects some more, but i think that i've done enough of that the past few days and i don't want to bore people. i do have other interesting things to say...i think...ok, not really...but i'll share this story my aunt told me.
my aunt went to dubai and india for a little vacation, and when she was in dubai she was visiting a relative who has a 3 year old son. anyway, so the kid was talking to my aunt and asked "do you live in a small house or a big house?". my aunt answered "a big house". and the boy all of a sudden got very concerned and serious and said to her "aunty, it's better to live in a small house. because if you live in a big house, bin laden will go smash into it!". it's kind of sad that a 3-year old would have to worry about something like that. it's sad that he even knows the name bin laden. you'd think that really small kids would be unaffected by all that (and by this i mean kids who don't live anywhere near new york and who didn't lose anyone). oh, and another sad story about a kid - but sad in a different manner. another relative who lives in dubai recently found out that her daughter's friend (an 8 year old boy who came over to their house to play everyday) had been stealing money from them for like a year or so...everyone thought she was going nuts because she was always saying "i thought i left some money here this morning but i can't find it...". all this while, it was her kid's friend stealing it. everyday. can you imagine?
presentation was fine...i think it was long enough...maybe not quite as long as everyrone else's...i don't know, i didn't really pay attention. i was the last one, and we were way over...class was supposed to be from 5-7 (4 presentations) but we didn't get out until 8:30 or so...the professor brought food though - chips, pizza, chocolate, cherries, and sodas - so at least i didn't get hungry like i normally do. but i drank a can of coke during the first 3 presentations so i really had to pee when i went up. and coke makes my throat go bad sometimes, so i felt hoarse when i was speaking. tried to speak louder to make up for it, but i think i sounded really weird. but anyway. i think it was ok overall. everyone in the class seemed to like my project. hopefully the girls i test it on will like it too.
anyway...so i came back and realized that someone took down my sublet flier again!!! how rude. i put up another one, but what's going to stop this person from taking it down again? and why do they keep doing that anyway?? i have suspicions...there is another flier right next to it regarding a sublet for one room in a 3-bedroom apartment. obviously a studio seems more appealing than sharing with 2 strangers. but of course, sharing would be cheaper so...i don't know. then there's one guy who has called, but i have a hard time dealing with him because he doesn't speak english too well, and he doesn't seem to understand anything i say to him. he was willing to give me very little rent compared to what i am paying, so i was hesitant to give it to him, especially when other people are still contacting me about it. anyway...i was tempted to write something on the sign saying not to take it down anymore, but i figured that would just make people want to take it down even more. so i printed out another one. and if i have to do that everyday, so be it...not like i have a choice in the matter.
ugh. why is he so STOOOOOPID? he emailed me back, and he agreed with some things, but disagreed with with the most important thing on the list. what is his fucking problem?!?! we agreed on something as a group - and yet he claims the exact opposite. was he not paying any attention at all in our meetings?!? i had a bad feeling about this guy from the beginning. i didn't want him in our group...he just kind of ended up with us...and i couldn't really say "no, go find another group" because the other people didn't mind. anyway...i promise i'll stop bitching after wednesday.
that guy finally emailed me his work. i found 4 major mistakes. i tried to tell him as politely as possible that if he had time before wednesday i would like him to fix them. i'd do it myself if he'd used word like a normal person. i think one of the things he left out because he just didn't have enough room in his precious graphic. anyway...i didn't tell him about little things i didn't like because that would be pushing it. for example, one of the things we learned about in the class is the importance of alignment. he did not align things too well. but that's his problem. i don't see it bringing down our grade...i hope not anyway.
Sunday, December 09, 2001
i'm tired. got a lot of work done tonight...gonna try to do a little more before i go to bed. should probably practice what i'm going to say in my presentation at some point before the class. that reminds me, i better put everything in my personal space on the umich server before i forget.
anyway. that guy in my group never emailed me back with his work. i had asked him to (politely) so that i could look at it and give him some feedback, so he could make changes before it was too late. but he didn't. this is really pissing me off. i think there are a lot of things he forgot to put in it - specific things we had decided upon as a group. i wish the other people in my group would say something too. i get the feeling he's not going to listen to anything i say because he thinks i'm freaking out and that i want everything my way. maybe even you guys reading this thing that. but that's not the case. i just want what he does to match up with what we decided as a group and what is written in the paper. because i am definitely not going to change stuff in the paper just because he forgot to include them in his designs. alright, i better not get worked up about this again because it'll prevent me from sleeping. thinking good thoughts...by next week, it'll all be over...
i've got about 20 slides...well, 22 including the title and end. so i think that'll be good. 1 min per slide, and then 10 minutes to show my project, then 5-10 minutes for questions or whatever...ok...i can do it, i can do it...
i'm trying to calm down and not get upset, i really am. it's hard though. i'm a perfectionist. i'm very concerned about doing a good job on final projects. i realize that getting a B will not be the end of the world. and I do think a B is the worst case scenario. but it's still hard for me to just shut up when i see big problems.
he just emailed me back and told me to "cool down" and that "it's not a big deal". wtf??? it certainly is a big deal. he's doing a major part of the project. i should have never allowed him to do that section...it's really beyond his understanding. why are some people so stupid? i sent him so many screen shots explaining what it should look like, but he just completely ignored them. it is a big deal to me, because i actually care how this project turns out. it is a big deal to me, because i am a part of this group and everything that they do is partially a reflection on me because technically, we were all supposed to make design decisions together. i don't appreciate him telling me to chill.
uuuuggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sorry, that's been used a lot lately. that guy in my group is giving me a headache. he just sent me a file (he's only done 1 of like 10+ screens so far) and it's really bad, and i thought he was going to do it in word like everyone else, but nooooo...he's using fireworks. i have major editing to do with his stuff because he's completely clueless, but if he's going to use fireworks for everything, i can't do it. he offered to email me all his graphics...but that's besides the point. the point is, i have too much work to do and the last thing i need right now is to be bothered by this. i feel bad, because what he did looks nice. and by that i mean the graphics look professional. but...it's all wrong. his design is bad. it's confusing and it's inconsistent. i thought he would do it in word so that i could just go in and edit stuff. and now he's like explaining to me that this took him so long, etc. so he's not going to do it in word. well who the hell told him to make it so damn fancy?!?! everyone else is using word or fucking crayons even. this is pissing me off so much...ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't believe i only have 12 slides so far. i feel like i spent so much time today working on them. ok, not really. just 2-3 hours. but i thought i had more than 12. and that includes the title page, so really i just have 11. guess this is going to take longer than i thought...
Saturday, December 08, 2001
i should go back to working on my presentation, but it's a little overwhelming because i don't know exactly what i should talk about. it's supposed to be 30-40 minutes long. i don't think i've ever given a presentation that was more than 15 minutes long. and i had a lot to say in that one because my report was really detailed...i guess technically i should write the report before i make the presentation, but...i'm going to turn in the report late, so it's likely i won't start it until next weekend. the presentation is monday. yikes.
anyway...tennessee lost, so it seems as though nebraska will go to the rose bowl despite that loss to colorado. i really don't understand the whole BCS thing and how the computer rankings work...anyway, i wonder if sean will go to pasadena to watch the game. seems like something he'd want to do. i have no idea where i'll be for new years. sort of depends on the whole apartment situation. i have to give the movers a 2-week notice, so it's getting kinda late...damn it, why won't someone take my apartment?!?!
question for the bay area people. you know the song "grandma got run over by a reindeer"? i vaguely remember that one of the radio stations (i think it was X100 - kelly and kline) did a parody of that song called "new kids got run over by a reindeer" - as in new kids on the block. does anyone else remember this? just curious. i feel so old just because i remember X100 - i think it turned into an oldies station at some point. anyway...yeah...i was just watching SNL and they played a little of the "grandma..." song, so that's what triggered this. i've been trying to remember the lyrics to the new kids version, but my memory's not that great.
i really don't know how this group project is going to come together. the guy did some sketches, but they're pretty bad. and he's totally confused in general. didn't really do everything he was supposed to. and i'm gonna get stuck writing up a big chunk of the paper. which is fine, but i'm just worried about getting it done on time. i have a presentation to give on monday, and i haven't started that yet. hopefully i'll get that done today. powerpoint can't be too hard to figure out, right? i haven't even installed it on my computer yet.
anyway. another potential subletter contacted me, but she has a pet. pets aren't allowed here. so, i'm guessing she's not interested anymore. i also noticed today that the flier that i posted on the sublets board for my building was taken down. isn't that rude? really pissed me off. i made another one and posted it up again.
Friday, December 07, 2001
i don't have anything to say really...i wasted most of today. i was tired. i need to get some sketches done tonight though because i'm meeting with my group tomorrow morning. i'm tempted to show up with nothing like that guy did last time. but, that's just wrong. i'm not the type to flake like that.
ok...get this: the latest person to ask about my apartment backed out because she's afraid of heights and doesn't want to be on the top floor.
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you'd think the top floor would be a plus. but with my luck...
Thursday, December 06, 2001
i miss getting comments, but i'm not sure if i should be patient and wait for reblogger to get fixed or if i should go ahead and get another one.
i've been getting a lot more regular visitors than normal lately, and i'm getting paranoid about who they are. i kept saying i would move my blog to a more anonymous location but i've been lazy. and busy with school...anyway...sometimes i don't care who reads it. but sometimes i do. like i've said before, there are a lot of people who don't know certain things about be, and i'd rather keep it that way. not that i have any reason to believe that they are reading this. but...i don't know...it's possible. some other people whose blogs i read are thinking about moving as well...it's like you want to write private stuff, but in the back of your head, there's always this little "what if (somone) reads this?" anyway. you'd think i'd be asleep by now considering the fact that i didn't sleep a single minute last night. i slept for a half hour this evening. while waiting for a potential subletter to show up. he didn't. why am i not surprised? i think i had something else to write but i don't remember...oh - yeah. the hair story. yes, it's true i ironed my hair once to flatten it out. i was 9 or 10, had this brilliant idea that i would braid my hair at night when it was wet and then in the morning it would be nice and wavy. boy, was i wrong! it was crazy. and to make matters worse, it was "picture day" at school. which is why i wanted my hair to look special in the first place. i was a nutty kid. what can i say? i had a serious hair emergency that morning. so...my mom used the clothes iron and tried to flatten it out a bit. she got that idea because she used to do it to her own hair. anyway...seems so stupid now. i guess i didn't have any hair styling products at that time.
i'm in a better mood now...everything went well today - well, almost. i forgot to do something when i ftp-ed my files so they weren't linked properly, and i also forgot to upload the images and the java scripts (whoops), so a lot of it didn't work. but other than that, it went well. tiffany liked what i had done, and so did some other people. tiffany helped me with some stuff and we made a few changes that would make the activity a little more fun for the girls. tiffany still gets very frustrated with me, but she was nicer today. she took me out to lunch too. she's really a nice person when she's not annoyed with me...we were talking about how disappointed we both are with the ed tech program here, and also how isolated the school of ed is, how difficult it is to meet people in ann arbor, etc. anyway...yeah...so all i need now is some sleep. sleep, then get working on my other projects which i've been neglecting this week...
ok it took me an hour just to figure out how to ftp through dreamweaver. i'm stupid. well, at least when i have been up for this many hours straight. but now i know, right? so i learned dreamweaver and i can put that on my resume now right? based on a one night crash course. i'm delirious. i wanted to sleep for a few hours, but i have a meeting at 11 and i'm thinking even if i went to bed for an hour, it would be so hard for me to get up, you know? so i might as well stay up. or not. i don't know. i must look like shit right now. i'll be going insane sitting in that meeting for 2-3 hours. i think they will be disappointed with what i did. i'm disappointed. but whatever. i'm lazy, i don't like the project, and i have other shit on my mind...
i'm still up. kinda finished, just have to upload my files...
i didn't really make the site look nice. i'll worry about that later.
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
crap. so much work to do still. i wanted to be done by now...
i was doing well between 8 and 11, but then after 11 i started getting sleepy and lost interest. so i've been messing around for the past 3 hours. read some blogs. took a shower. ate something. i think the problem is that i don't like this project. in the beginning i thought it was cool, but things have changed and now i really dislike the whole concept. and in particular, the part i am working on is just boring as hell and i can't imagine any 13 year old girl wanting to use it in her free time to learn what mean, median, and mode are "just for fun". it's ridiculous. i always liked math growing up, but even i would not do this thing. statistics really has some potential to be interesting, but it's almost always taught in such a boring way. i thought we'd be doing something different with this project to make it interesting, but we're not. i'm basically putting lecture notes online, and they're bad lecture notes. the explanations are unclear and the examples are boring, so i don't feel like using them. i've been trying to write my own explanations and examples, but i just don't have much time left now, so...i don't know...i would just go ahead and type up the same explanations given in the lecture notes, but the problem is they are so bad that i really can't even use a lot of them. alright, i've complained enough tonight. better go back to work now. i promise i'll stop bitching so much after all my projects are done.
i don't know what i want to say really but i just felt like talking to someone...just feeling down. i don't know how to explain. i was sitting in class just feeling very isolated and...i'm sorry, i can't even think of the words. i just feel really out of it today. like, i was there, but i wasn't. or more like i was there, but no one cared. i'm not making any sense, am i? oh, nevermind. i don't know what i'm saying. i hate feeling ignored...and like people don't like me...
i "woke up" around 2 and started working...but i think i've had enough. dreamweaver is really annoying sometimes. i can't get it to do what i want it to do, and everytime i get a new idea, something doesn't work the way i thought it would...and it's getting to the point where i'm really wasting time trying to figure it out. i should just move on and work on the next part...
my apartment is so freaking hot tonight. i had the AC on for a while, just turned it off and opened the window a few minutes ago because i thought that it had cooled down a bit, but now i'm hot again already. this is really irritating.
Tuesday, December 04, 2001
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