relax. relate. release.

i've been getting a lot of headaches lately and i don't know why. it's really bothering me.

aside from that...well, i didn't do that much today. i finally saw "a beautiful mind". really liked it. and it made me glad i decided not to become a mathematician ; )

ok, i know it wasn't the math that caused his mental problems, but...let's just say i've encountered a few too many "weirdos" who were really good at math. and then there's the unabomber. and that movie "pi" - granted, that wasn't a true story, but it was kinda freaky nonetheless. made my head hurt. at some point in college math in general made my head hurt. don't get me wrong, obviously i liked it enough to major in it. it's interesting to learn about and all...but doing it...well, after a while it all started to look like gibberish and i couldn't make any sense of it. didn't even want to try. so i can't imagine how people who do math for a living - and i mean real math, as in writing proofs - i can't imagine how those people can stay normal. especially not after years and years and years of dealing with those funny symbols and imaginary numbers and multi-dimensional crap...i'd lose my mind if i had to do that.

posted at 12:46 AM |

i went to some visit some relatives in sunnyvale today...actually, it was for a religious thing they were doing in their house. anyway, so while i was there i started thinking about all these little rituals that hindus do...i'm not very religious, but i find it interesting and at times beautiful. i just wish i knew the significance behind it all...why do we take a little idol and bathe it in milk? why do we dress it up and put flowers around it? why do we light a little fire and move it around in circles? why do we sing certain songs?...i think i'd be more into all that stuff if i actually understood the meaning behind it...sometimes i feel uncomfortable because i don't really know what to do...i get paranoid i'll use the wrong hand for something or that i'll make a mistake. i always end up watching what everyone else does and copying them. and sometimes i have to ask what i'm supposed to do because i really have no idea. but anyway, despite the fact that i seem removed from my culture in some respects, i actually am very interested in learning more about it. because when i do learn why we do certain things, it becomes more meaningful to me and i have something to think about, other than "am i doing this right?". the problem is, no one in my family really seems to know why we do them either. and each family has slightly different ways of doing things, so it gets confusing after a while. but anyway...i don't think i'll actually do this stuff when i'm older and have my own family. i don't mean that in a negative way - i do hope that my children will have a lot of exposure to indian culture...but some of these religious rituals just seem so...what's the word?...i don't want to say "pointless" because i'm assuming that there are reasons behind them...but if my kids are just going to be sitting there thinking "why are we doing this?", "when is this going to get over?", or "am i doing this right?" (like me), then i don't see why it's even worth doing. unless i do find out why and explain it to them...something my parents never did with me apparently...

posted at 8:07 PM |

i feel like blogging but i don't have much to say. i'm just bored. and i over-ate again at dinner. so stuffed. i think i got used to eating very little in michigan, and whatever i did eat there was very light most of the time, so i'm having trouble adjusting to eating all this heavier stuff now...it all just sinks in my stomach...like a big blob...i feel yucky : (

anyway...why no comments lately? someone say something. or have i not written anything interesting lately? that's possible. i don't know where my mind has been this week. well anyway...i think i have 2-3 regular visitors who have never commented. not that i'm forcing you to say something, i just get curious...wonder who you are and what you're thinking....

alright, i'm actually kinda sleepy right now - i don't know why, but i am. *sigh*

i should go do something tomorrow night, but i just feel so far away from the friends i do have here. and there really isn't much around where i live. all of my friends in berkeley have left by now so i don't have as many reasons to go there anymore. i don't really feel like driving 45 minutes (or more in some cases) to go visit anyone. call me lazy, i don't know. it's just that i'm not really dying to see them. they're nice, but i don't miss them or necessarily feel like i have much in common with them anymore. i'm sure that when i do see them, it'll be fine and i'll talk with them and be cheery. but i guess i'm just not feeling motivated to get together with them right now. milly was the only person i wanted to see, and i met her for lunch today. so...now what? start calling all those other people just because i feel obligated to go see them? i feel kinda fake doing that, i don't know. maybe it's just a phase...

posted at 11:33 PM |

i can't believe george bush's comments on john walker lindh. a "marin county hot-tubber"? please. there's no need to stereotype. and i do believe in waiting until the trial and everything is over before making any judgements on him. former presidents should do the same and know when to keep their damn mouths shut. just because your son is president doesn't mean that you can go around saying shit like that. just completely taste-less and disrespectful. regardless of what his personal feelings are towards lindh, there is no reason for him to say what he said. none.

posted at 6:03 PM |

i am freeeeezing. what's wrong with me?!?! brrr....milly was making fun of me because living in michigan has, if anything, made me less tolerant of the cold, as weird as that sounds. anyway, i ate too much...4 hours later i'm still stuffed...and why am i so damn sleepy too? i slept a good 10 hours last night...i think i need to start exercising. next week, i promise.

posted at 5:17 PM |

i don't know where that damn bee went. i'm guessing it's still in the house somewhere...out of sight, out of mind...i hope it's either dead or that it found it's way out somehow. anyway...cal won tonight! so that's something to cheer about...15 3-pointers! wow.

posted at 11:24 PM |

there's a bee in the house!!! i am so scared of bees, it's ridiculous....been stung a few too many times in my life, mostly when i was a little kid...but enough to traumatize me for life apparently. god i hate them. everytime i hear it buzz, i freak out.

posted at 12:33 PM |

sean wrote today...he seems depressed and upset, and in general i think he's hating life right now. i don't know what i can say to him really. i think part of it his fault - because he lets little things get to him a lot. not that i'm perfect, i do this too sometimes, but sean is much worse than i am - he actually gets angry. intensely angry. me, i just get annoyed. there's a difference.

i am sorta worried about him though...worried he'll start drinking too much again...worried that the longer it takes him to find a job, the more depressed he'll get...worried that he'll turn into one of those people that he hates so much...living in DC must be tough. i know that's where he wants to be, but at the same time, he's been so miserable there that i wonder whether he'd be better off somewhere else. for a little while at least, until he gets back up on his feet and gets all his shit together...i don't know...i don't think he wants to leave now that he's there. maybe once he gets a job he'll be alright. it's just that he's been there for quite a while now and i'm not sure how likely it is that he'll find one any time soon...i don't mean to sound negative, i really don't know what the situation is. obviously he just needs some connections and DC is supposedly the place to make them...but how long should he keep trying before it just becomes silly? i don't want to discourage him, but i just hate hearing about how miserable he is, you know?

posted at 12:21 PM |

just remembered something i wanted to babble about last weekend but forgot: the raiders-patriots game. it was totally a fumble!!! and even if it wasn't, the ref surely didn't have enough evidence to overturn the ruling. that "tuck" rule is ridiculous anyway. i'm not saying i believe there is a conspiracy against the raiders, i just think that ref fucked up big time.

posted at 2:38 PM |

i still don't have anything to say...i'm just bored now...i wish sean would email...i've written him 3 times since sunday...i know he's busy and he's working all the time, but...i don't know...just miss him right now...something about not being in the same time zone anymore...hmm...this is the farthest apart distance-wise that we have been. not that it matters...it's just...i don't know...feel so far away. ugh!!! this is so stupid, why am i getting like this?!?!

i seriously need to go meet some new guys.

posted at 2:21 PM |

i don't have much to say really...hmm...saw the royal tenenbaums...it was funny in a weird way, not necessarily one of those laugh-out-loud kind of movies...but some parts were so...strange and oddly amusing, and the characters were...characters...am i making any sense? i guess i liked it, but it wasn't as ha-ha funny as i thought it would be...not that i didn't laugh, i did...but it was the little things that made me laugh, not the typical kind of jokes in comedies. get it?

anyway...mostly i've just been sitting around. i need to clean my room, throw out a lot of stuff. i've been lazy. and it's freezing in my room...i know my mom's going to complain when she gets the PG&E bill because i've had the heater on so much, but it's gonna take me a while to get used to the temperature in this house...especially since my apartment in ann arbor was 75 degrees all the time.

posted at 12:32 PM |

perfect example of why i don't like living at home:

on sunday, i told my mom that i was going to go see my dad on monday and that he was going to pick me up in the afternoon and i'd pick up my car and drive back at night. so on monday, after we had eaten and everything, it was about 10. i called her to tell her i was leaving in a few minutes, and she totally freaked out and was like "i was so worried about you. i thought you'd be back home for dinner. i didn't know where you were, you didn't tell me how late you were going to come back, blah blah blah." just completely over-reacting. first of all - it was 10 o'clock, not 2 AM. and also, what did she think - that i was going to go visit my dad for an hour then head back home?!?! she knows my dad always takes me to dinner whenever i come back home. she knows it. it was just stupid of her to assume that i would come back home early. and there was certainly no reason for her to use that "worried" half-crying voice of her's when i called her. it irritates me so much!!! i'm 24 damnit!!! why can't she just trust me? why does she start "worrying" whenever i'm not home? why does she always need such specific information about what time i'll be home and stuff like that?? ugh!!!

posted at 12:38 PM |

i think i'm gonna enroll in this online course at vanderbilt (the school i should have gone to instead of michigan but didn't apply to for some weird reason). just a thought...something to do while i am unemployed...i hope it's free, sorta forgot to ask about that!

posted at 12:55 PM |

hmm...why does it seem like my last post never got published even though blogger says it did? i'm confused. anyway...it's not so sunny today. and i'm freezing because this house is so cold compared to my place in michigan : (

posted at 12:11 PM |

i'm back in sunny california. not much to say though...this weekend was shitty, i don't even want to go into all the problems i had. the important thing is that it's all over now and i'm home. and now i want to sleep.

posted at 3:04 PM |

moving is a pain in the ass.

anyway...i'm sending my computer off soon, so i probably won't blog for a couple days at least. have a nice weekend everyone.

posted at 11:56 AM |

just been packing most of today...nothing much to say, i'm tired.

posted at 10:52 PM |

i really need spell check in my email software...

i just realized that i made a typo in an email that i sent to the HR manager at one company...she wrote to ask me if i would be willing to relocate to pennsylvania. do you think that's a good sign, just that she's asking?...i mean, i don't know if i'd move to pennslyvania, sorta depends on the job. but at least she didn't just throw out my resume, right? like, if i wasn't qualified, why would she bother asking? ok, maybe she would...but i'd just like to think that someone at that company is interested in me...

posted at 12:29 PM |

i get so easily irritated with people sometimes....just telling myself to breathe...calm down...people can't help it if they are stupid idiots...

posted at 11:15 AM |

i started to throw away a lot of my junk today...but, i'm not nearly where i wanted to be by now as far as organizing and packing and all that...so lazy...

you know what i realized? i don't have any michigan clothing. i know, i can get that anywhere. plenty of stores in california sell michigan sweatshirts or whatever. but i just feel like i should buy one here before i leave, just because...i don't know...i'm weird. i mean, i never even root for michigan. and i don't even like it here! so why do i want a shirt that says "michigan" on it? i dunno...just do. if it's not snowing too much tomorrow i might go buy one.

anyway...i've started to type up my DC recap. i knew i wouldn't be able to finish all of it in one go, but i didn't want to have multiple posts for it, so...i'll just paste it in here when i'm done. it's probably going to be very long, but i figure people who get bored reading it can just skip over it more easily if it is just one really long post rather than several short ones. i actually called sean tonight...no reason, just felt like talking to him. we weren't on for long though, he was tired. but i just think it is so adorable how he talks to his cat like it's a baby. it was worth calling him just to hear that. cracks me up.

alright, i gotta get up early tomorrow to get hot water so i can wash my hair. better go to bed at a decent hour.

posted at 10:27 PM |

just emailed a bunch of people that i haven't seen in years to tell them i'm coming back home. sometimes i wonder if they even remember me. hardly any of them have called or written much. when they do, it's only because i do first. i know they're busy with their jobs and what not...but i would like to see them, if for no other reason than to get out of the house and have contact with people my age. i guess i don't really consider them "close" friends anymore. but anyway...i could use some company. and i'll probably still like talking to them, even though sometimes i feel like i barely know them anymore.

posted at 7:09 PM |

the apartment stuff is finally settled...or at least the papers are all signed and he gave me the deposit and stuff...so that's one less headache.

posted at 12:19 PM |

*sigh*...i'm feeling so down tonight and i don't know why...it's just one of those nights when i really want someone here to hold me and comfort me...

posted at 11:37 PM |

why is it that the more things i have to do, the lazier i get?

posted at 9:45 PM |

ugh!!!! that guy is being SUCH an asshole. he had the nerve to call the property manager and ask her whether or not he was required to give me a deposit. she told him it was recommended, not required. so now he thinks i was lying or something...i don't know...maybe i should have said i am requiring a deposit. i swear, i HATE dealing with know-it-all jerks like him. i've sublet many, many times and no one has EVER refused to pay a deposit.

anyway, so he agreed to pay it if my deposit gets transferred to his name (perfectly fine with me, i was going to select that option anyway). but it's just his arrogance that is getting to me...the way he is trying to impose what he wants when i am the one who is doing him a favor. anyway...so now i have to clean my apartment because they are going to have to do a walk-through because of all the fuss he's making.

posted at 2:24 PM |

i ate so much. it was spicy, and that always helps when it's cold outside. but of course my nose started to run...

oh, and i got my pictures back. they aren't that great, but i already knew they wouldn't turn out too well...especially the ones i took at rockefeller...you can sorta make out the olympic torch though. sorta. got a really cute one of sean and his cat too...i might scan a few of them and put them up...i'll see...i have too much crap to do right now...i hate moving.

posted at 10:48 AM |

the guy finally agreed to pay me a security deposit. i don't think he's happy about it though. not that i care, i just think it's weird that he didn't want to pay one.

anyway...some of my friends here are taking me out to lunch so i better put on my top few layers of clothing and head out to meet them. i don't know where we're eating but i hope the food is edible. i'm hungry.

posted at 8:54 AM |

some final thoughts i wanted to make about the new york trip:

ground zero: it was weird being there. i don't know how to describe it...the first time i went to the area, i could still feel some dust in the air, and there was a slight odor...they were still pulling out dead bodies that were intact. it felt a bit surreal to be there and to really think about what happened...i hated the fact that people were selling souveniers right there though...that's new york for you. anyway, i went back after the viewing platform had opened. i wanted to get a look at the "hole" that was left (i couldn't really see much when i went the first time because the roads are basically blocked off all around it). i don't know why i wanted to see it better...just to understand the magnitude of the destruction i guess. but when i got there, it just felt weird. the line was about 2-3 hours long. it had the feel of a tourist attraction, and that made me a bit uneasy. i know some people who lost family were really upset about the fact that they had even made a viewing platform. anyway, a policeman was standing there trying to tell people that there was nothing to see, that everything had been taken out of there...but people are curious, and i can understand why they want to see it. i might have stayed if it wasn't freezing that day...but then again, i don't think i could take standing in that line for 3 hours, all the while thinking about sept. 11. really, you can't help but feel very sad when you're there and you see that the towers are missing, when people are talking to you about friends of theirs that died, when you can still feel some dust in the air...and this is all months after the attack. i can't imagine how devastating and depressing it would have been to be there when it happened...when the fire was still burning...when parts of the buildings were still visible...

*sigh*...anyway....don't want to depress people. on to lighter topics...

my other cousin: the other cousin that i usually hang out with when i'm in new york was spending the holidays in india, but she came back a couple days before i left, so i did get to spend a little time with her. she wanted to buy a used car, so i went with her to look at some. she said i was her good luck charm because she had been looking for a car for months and had always gotten cold feet or for whatever reason, changed her mind and decided not to buy one. but she did buy one this time, and it's really nice. anyway...while she was in india, she went to an orphanage and donated a bunch of stuff for the kids there...and she ended up sponsoring one boy! she's going to be paying for his education and stuff...so that's cool. she was really happy about it. it doesn't cost much to do that...$50 a year or whatever...and it can change that boy's life, you know?

amelie: i finally went to see this movie when i was in new york. i really enjoyed it...cute movie. but...they kept showing sacre coeur and that made me think of sean because i went there with him...*sigh*...and then at the end there was something about letting opportunites pass you by...i do that a lot. don't take chances...especially when it comes to guys...so that's what i was thinking about all night after i saw it.

smoking: not me, i won't touch cigarettes. but apparently both of my cousins have started smoking since the last time i saw them (the older ones, not the kids). it's disgusting. i'm so pissed at them for taking up such a bad habit. really.

i still want to write about my trip to DC...i've sort of been avoiding it, but i do need to get it out at some point. maybe tomorrow.

posted at 11:34 PM |

so this guy who's subletting is making a big fuss because he doesn't want to pay me a security deposit. it's kinda pissing me off. there's no way i'm subletting without collecting a security deposit, i don't care how many references he has. it's REQUIRED in the sublease agreement form that i have. the one that he's supposed to come sign if he would agree to pay the damn deposit!!! i don't understand what his problem is...

posted at 9:42 PM |

i've been drinking so much soda lately. it's kind of disgusting. i hardly drink any usually...at most once or twice a week, depending on what i'm eating. but i had about 15 cans left (i bought one of those big boxes a few months ago), and since i'm leaving, i feel like i should drink them (not ALL of them, that would be impossible for me...but i'm drinking a lot more than i would normally). it's silly - i mean, i could just give them to this guy who's subletting. it's not like soda's expensive. i don't know. i'm crazy.

posted at 7:08 PM |

i feel like i have stuff i want to say, but can't find the words...just have a lot on my mind i guess, i don't know. i should go to sleep, but i'm feeling so uptight right now...*sigh*...i just want everything in my life to be settled, you know? there's so much i'm unsure about, so much that is confusing me and troubling me...i just want some stability, security...a job, a future, people i can rely on...i want to be happy and comfortable, i want to have fun...i want all these things that i've been without for most of my life...i just worry sometimes that i'll never have all that - what if this is as good as it gets?

posted at 12:17 AM |

i took another colorgenics personality profile thing...this one seemed pretty accurate, but who knows...could just be chance, or maybe all of their "profiles" can fit everyone...sorta like how some horoscopes are...i don't know...take it if you're bored.

posted at 10:16 PM |

ever do something really stupid, like forget to attach your resume to an email when applying for a job?? i felt so ridiculous sending another email with the resume explaining that i forgot to attach it in the previous one. especially since i've been emailing it out to so many places over the past few days...you'd think that it would be a force of habit by now to attach it.

posted at 10:01 PM |

watching the niners-packers game. nerve-racking as usual...that interception just about killed us. i hate to sound negative with 3 minutes still left, but...damn it!! it just seems like the niners won't be able to pull this one out.

posted at 12:10 PM |

my neighbors are having a very loud party...seems like it's one of those parties that will last all night...and i really can't go to sleep with all that music being blasted. not that i'm going to go over there and complain, i have no problem with it really. i just don't feel like doing anything right now. bored and there's no one online to chat with : (

posted at 11:40 PM |

alright, back to blogging about my little trip to NY over the holidays...i hate writing about things after so much time has passed, but since i didn't really get a chance to blog much at the time, and because i don't really have anything going on currently, i might as well...

let's see...i think i was going to write about the day i went shopping with my cousin and her friend. if you've never been shopping with someone really rich and carefree before, it's an experience. just watching her and knowing that i would probably never be able to spend so much...and well, just her attitude. she was walking around like she was a big supermodel. and because she's pretty, a lot of salesmen were TOTALLY kissing her ass. much more than a normal person would receive. they just treated her so nicely and went out of their way to do things for her - just because she's pretty! it was so obvious that was the reason. i know i've never been treated that way. the cashier at this one shoe store just randomly said to her "you're beautiful", and then he didn't want my cousin and i to feel bad so he said "i mean, all three of you are." yeah, right. let's face it - he wouldn't have even noticed my cousin and i if we had come into that store without her. (but that's unlikely to happen because we wouldn't spend $200 on a pair of shoes either.) oh, and the cab driver recognized her!! that was weird. at first, she pretended it wasn't her...said something like "oh, that's so sweet of you to say i look like her. other people have told me there's a resemblance as well." but when she got out of the cab and he got a better look, he knew it was her and said something to that effect.

anyway, back to shopping. (i didn't buy anything by the way, too expensive for a jobless person such as myself.) what really annoyed me was the way she was treating my cousin. i understand they're supposedly "best friends", but to be honest sometimes it seems like my cousin is more of an employee - like, if you've seen "America's Sweethearts" or whatever that movie was...the one with catherine zeta-jones playing an actress and julia roberts was her personal assistant who basically gets treated like shit. my cousin was basically the julia roberts role. her friend would spot an outfit she liked, and then my cousin would have to go find her size for her. then when she was trying on clothes, my cousin had to be there to tell her she looked good in everything, or to keep going back and forth bringing more clothes for her to try on. it was so pathetic and irritating!!! i'm not saying that normal friends don't do this for each other when they go shopping, but it was all one-sided here, you know? and it was also like she was ordering my cousin around rather than my cousin volunteering to do stuff. my cousin couldn't shop for herself because she was too busy looking for her friend's size in everything!! (but her friend did buy her some fairly expensive stuff, so maybe that explains why my cousin does what she does.)

anyway...so we were out for about 6 hours...it was pretty boring overall. but it was interesting to watch her, to see how she lives...to see how she orders people around..."you HAVE to find my size in this! i'll DIE if i don't get this dress in my size. call all the stores and find it and have them mail it to me!!!", stuff like that. and yes, she actually did have guess do a search for a particular dress in her size and ship it to her. it was kinda crazy the way she was over-dramatizing everything.

i don't think i'll ever be like that, even if i do get rich one day.

posted at 11:12 PM |

michelle kwan just skated her long program...she was the first to skate so she didn't get super-high marks, but she skated really well...i especially liked the ending, when she picked up a lot of speed and just beamed...seemed so happy...i get so emotional watching her skate, it's silly...anyway...

posted at 7:13 PM |

i'm watching the figure skating national championships...all of the women are so strong this year! i hope michelle kwan wins...i loved her short program. it's an old one, but one of my favorites...i seriously feel like crying when i watch her skate sometimes because i find it so moving. i'm just girly like that : )

posted at 6:17 PM |

ok, things are somewhat patched up with my mom now. i didn't say anything to her - she's just moody. i think she was really stressed about something this morning when i spoke to her. but she just called back a little while ago and she was much calmer. i know she doesn't mean the things that she says to me when she's pissed, but i just really don't like being yelled at for no reason. she does that a lot and it really irritates me, as well as other members of the family. she's such a control-freak, no one can tell her anything. when she gets like that, we just have to ignore her and deal. but i am getting so tired of it...i've had somewhat of a break living so far away from her for a while, so i don't know how i'll adjust to living at home again and having to hear all her nonsense on a more consistent basis...

posted at 4:31 PM |

just got in another argument with my mom...she basically said that i'm getting on her nerves, and she told me to "go to hell". yup, that's my mom. can you see why i don't want to go live at home?

posted at 11:03 AM |

i'm tired...sent my resume out to so many companies today...not that they had openings, but i'm desperate and thought i should start begging.

i was hoping sean would get online again tonight, but i didn't see him. possible he went out and hooked up with some girl and forgot all about me...who knows...that's what i should be doing though...

i thought about contacting that one guy i met back in november...(i got swamped in december with finals so i didn't get a chance then, although i had completely intended to) but honestly, the fact that i'm leaving in a week...well, i just want to avoid the company of any guy i would potentially start liking. i talked to a friend of mine about it and she said who cares, that i should have fun. but the thing is, although i would probably have fun with him, it would really, really suck when i left. so i'd rather leave not knowing. maybe that's not a good way to live, but it's the easiest way for me right now.

alright, i should go to bed now. have massive cleaning to do tomorrow.

posted at 12:36 AM |

so one of the things i wanted to write about while i was in new york was about how people treat me like i'm a little kid. i realize that i look young, sound young, and occasionally act a little younger than i am...but i really dislike it when people treat me like i'm 10.

i'm used to my mom doing this - i'm an only child, and i was very mommied growing up. sometimes, even now, when people ask me questions, she answers for me. it's irritating, but i'm used to it. my grandma is worse than my mom, but again, i'm used to it. and i'm also used to telemarketers asking me if my mommy or daddy was home. usually i don't bother to tell them that i am the adult of the household, but once i did tell one my age, and he still said, "ok, i'll call back another time." uh, whatever.

anyway, what really, really gets to me is when other people treat me like i'm a kid, even when they are aware of my age. like for example, my cousin's friend who i hung out with one day when i was in new york. she's only 2 years older than i am. i understand that she's a celebrity and that young celebrities tend to grow up fast. but she was seriously treating me like i was a good 20 years younger than her. ok, maybe not 20 - she did nag me about not having a boyfriend several times. (as if it's any of her business why i don't have one.) but basically, it really pissed me off. when people treat me like that, it makes me feel like i am a kid. it makes me feel insignificant. it makes me feel like i can't talk to her as i would talk to most people my age. like what i have to say doesn't matter. i'm just supposed to be cute and follow her around.

i was pretty offended.

going back to my mom...i kinda had to tell her i was staying with another (female) friend when i went to DC, and sean thought i was crazy for doing that. he couldn't understand why a 24-year old would have to lie like that. but i can't tell my mom that i went to stay with him...she doesn't even know about him really...she doesn't know i've even kissed a guy or been drunk or anything. so staying over at a guy's place? alone with him? i couldn't tell her that. just like i couldn't tell her about a lot of things that i have done over the years. simple things that most normal american parents would be fine with. i don't know how to tell her these things, how to get her to understand that i am not 10 years old anymore. that i am allowed to do things that normal 24 year olds do. sean couldn't understand all this...and i don't expect him to since he's not indian...but it was very difficult trying to explain it to him. i know he's right in a way, but i just can't do what he would do because his parents were born and raised in this country and they obviously have different expectations of their children than my mom does of me. don't get me wrong though, it could be worse. i'm thankful that my dad is cool with things...not that i tell him any more than i tell my mom, but i think he would be ok with most of it. and i'm thankful that neither of my parents would do something so extreme as to arrange my marriage (some other american-born indians are not so lucky). in fact, my mom won't even mind that much if i don't marry an indian. (can't say the same for my grandma, but oh well. can't please everyone.)

the point of all this is...well, i just don't know how to get people to see me as an adult. i've even had experiences in grad school where older students didn't take me seriously because i look so young. i'm really worried about interviews - how can i get possible employers to see me as being qualified, when i look like i'm still in high school? i can tell myself to act confident, etc. but the truth is, as soon as people start to treat me like i am too young, it really has a psychological affect on me...how do i get over this?

posted at 10:30 PM |

so now that i'm moving i should probably start to sort through my stuff and throw away all my junk...but that sounds so tedious...i have a lot of junk crammed into this little apartment. moving is such a pain. that's why i would have preferred to get a job first, so i'd only have to move once. but anyway. no more whining about that. it's decided; i'm going back home. i'm not going to change my mind this time. hopefully, i'll get a job in the bay area so it won't be a long-distance move.

can you believe i started getting lady bugs again? the weather's been warmer than normal the past couple days, so i think that's why...it's seems weird that the snow's pretty much melted. last year it piled up in december and i don't think it melted away until april. maybe march. i don't really remember. anyway, i'm babbling now. i have things to do, so i should go. i'll be back to blog more later though : )

posted at 10:55 AM |

i like chatting with sean at night...cheers me up...we used to chat so much when he was at his old job, it was fun...i miss that so much. since he moved to DC i hadn't heard from him much. an email here and there. but these past few nights he's stayed up really late and chatted with me even though he was very tired. i don't know how long it'll last, but it's nice.

and milly, thank you for what you said to me this morning. i know i need to work on some things about myself...helps to know that you're there for me.

posted at 12:28 AM |

alright, looks like i'm heading back to california in 10 days. i'll miss my privacy and my warm and cozy apartment...i'll miss the peace and quiet...i'll miss free HBO (especially sex and the city, i love that show!)...but i'm trying to focus on the good things about going back to the bay area...don't wanna think about how annoyed i get living at home...so...i'm thinking about good food, about nicer weather, about hot showers...about my bed...about having a dishwasher...and i hope i find a job really, really soon so i can move out and have all that in my own place in the bay area : )

posted at 9:54 PM |

i'm confused again.

that guy showed up to look at the apartment today, and he liked it, and he offered me a pretty good amount of rent. but, he needs it in 10 days.

on one hand, i feel like i should give it to him because who knows if anyone else will give me this much money later in the semester, or if i would even find someone later in the semeser. on the other hand, i don't want to leave so soon because that means going back to live at home and...well, like i said before, i like living alone.

*sigh*

i don't know what to do. i kinda had my heart set on staying here for another month or so...i don't want to go live at home...but, i feel like it would be the "sensible" thing to do, as far as subletting the apartment is concerned.

someone tell me what to do.

posted at 3:26 PM |

i like it when the weather's nice...i can go take walks without freezing...i wish it would stay like this all winter (i know, too much to ask for in michigan). i dropped off some film, but i wasn't paying attention to when she said it would be ready. i know she told me, and i said ok, but i guess i didn't listen. no big deal, but it just amazes me how short my attention span is sometimes.

anyway...i got a barnes and noble gift card for christmas, so i want to use it to get some books to read while i'm just sitting here doing nothing. but as far as i know, there aren't any barnes and nobles around here. not within walking distance of where i live anyway. i tried to use it online, but i couldn't figure out how. why do they make these things so complicated?!?!

posted at 12:31 PM |

last post tonight, i promise.

why do i get embarrassed so damn easily? i just noticed that someone got to my blog through google searching for a certain phrase, and that embarrassed me. in retrospect, i'm embarrassed about a lot of things i've written in here. but i guess in some way, that's the point of having a blog right? so that i can say stuff that i would normally be too embarrassed to say?

i should really get moving to a more anonymous URL though. (don't worry, i'll keep my regular readers informed if/when i do move it)

posted at 12:39 AM |

was chatting with sean again tonight. i don't know if he reads this or not. i'm guessing not, but since i asked him if he did, now he might. not that i'd have a problem with it or anything. i just get slightly embarrassed.

anyway. sometimes i don't know whether to believe him or not. i don't know how sincere he is anymore. i hope he is being sincere, but deep down i have some doubts. i don't know. i'm tired now. i don't even know what time this guy's coming to look at the apartment tomorrow. he never said. i better go to bed.

posted at 12:17 AM |

i don't know why i got so weepy last night. so unlike me really. i haven't cried in a long time. came close in new york twice, teared up a little. but i really cried last night. i got all choked up when i was IM-ing with sean. not that he could tell, but you know. it was building up. then when i started blogging...well...the tears just poured out.

i don't think he reads my blog. not regularly anyway. so i don't know if he'll see what i wrote. i don't even know why i wrote it in here really. could have emailed him some of it. (i actually did email him later last night, after i had calmed down some) i guess i was just so upset at the time and didn't want to get carried away and say something i'd regret. it's easier for me to blog because then it won't really be like i'm telling him directly so it's less pressure. (and knowing i can go back and delete it or edit it helps, though i don't think i'll do either.) i might tell him to read it, i don't know. i'll see.

posted at 10:44 PM |

ucla needs to get their own damn fight song. as nice as it is to hear "big C" (cal's fight song), i'm so sick and tired of it being associated with ucla. if you watch craig kilborn tonight, you'll know what i mean.

posted at 10:11 PM |

yet another person made an appointment this morning and didn't show up...this sucks...any bets on whether tomorrow's appointment will come or not?

posted at 5:38 PM |

i was IM-ing with sean a little tonight and now i feel bad...about the way i was when i was visiting him. he said i didn't show any emotion or excitement, that i seemed very indifferent to everything and bored (basically exactly how i would describe him). so now i'm pissed at myself for giving him that impression. and for not saying certain things that i should have said to him. for not kissing him, for not showing him how happy i was to see him and to hold him and to just be with him.

it's so hard for me, and i don't know why. i don't think it's entirely my fault, because it would be a lot easier for me to show him more emotion if he would show me some. the more distant he seems to be, the more down and withdrawn i get...i think both of us just have problems communicating or something...and that both of us never know what the other is thinking...yet we just make these assumptions which are totally wrong most of the time...i don't know...

so sean if you read this, i'm sorry. i was incredibly, incredibly happy to see you and spend some time with you. i get too scared to show my emotions sometimes because i worry that you don't feel the same way. or that you don't even want me to get emotional. well, you've got me crying right now. i don't know what to say. i can't even explain to you how much you mean to me and how much i wish i were with you right now. i'm sitting here with tears running down my face. emotional enough for you? fuck, i don't even know how to explain why i am the way i am. it's too hard sean. it's too hard for me to let go when i'm with you, to show you how i feel. because i don't know what you're thinking or feeling. i don't know what you want from me. i just don't want to get hurt, can't you understand that?

i can't write any more right now. i can't find the words. all i know is how good it felt to be in your arms, and i wish i could go back in time and show you just how happy i was. please don't ever doubt that.

posted at 11:02 PM |

i hate it when people make appointments to come look at my apartment and then never show up. no phone call, no email, nothing. just make me sit here and wait. assholes.

posted at 3:31 PM |

last night was kinda weird. i was really hot (yes, i know it was in the teens outside, but my apartment is a freakin oven sometimes), so i went over to open up the window around 3 AM or so...i wasn't sure how cold it was outside, so i stood there for a while to check if there was a wind blowing. (if there is, it takes all of 2 minutes to cool down my apartment before i have to close the window again; if not, i can leave the window open all night). so, as i was standing there by my window, i looked out and saw this weird orange light coming from an apartment in another building. looked a bit like a fire, but i wasn't sure, so i stood there for a while longer to see if it would go out.

i was kinda confused, i mean - it was dark, i'm really high up, and i had my glasses on (they aren't anywhere near as strong as my contacts), so i really didn't know whether or not this was serious. i figured if it was a fire, then an alarm would have gone off and people would be outside or something. but i didn't see anyone. so, i stood there for a while watching, couldn't really go to bed because there's no way my conscience would have let me. finally, i figured it wouldn't hurt to call the fire department and let them know.

i told them i wasn't sure, but that i just *thought* there was a fire, explained where the building was, etc. then the flames seemed to get a little bigger and i was getting more convinced that it was a fire. they told me to call back if anything changed. so i kept watching, and after a few minutes a cop car pulled up to the building. (i realized i didn't do a great job of explaining where in the building the fire was, but eventually, i think the cop spotted it. i'm not sure though). he turned his car around and honked several times, then went back down the street. at that point, the fire (or whatever it was) went out somehow. so i called back and told them, but right as i did that, i heard sirens - the cop car came back followed by a fire truck. great, now i felt stupid because there was no fire anymore. correction - not stupid but just...well, like i wasted their time and unnecessarily woke people up.

anyway...i'm still not even sure if it was a fire or not. when the fire truck came, the cop pointed a flashlight on the same apartment that i thought was on fire, so i *think* he saw it too. but i don't know. i couldn't figure out what was going on.

i didn't have a point to this story, it was just kinda strange at the time, so just thought i'd share...

posted at 10:56 AM |

crap, it's past 2 already. i have to clean my apartment...i started to, but then i got a phone call and sat down and never got back up. i blame the internet. ok, actually a friend of mine needed me to proof read a web page she made, and that took me a while. her english isn't perfect, but i still think it's pretty good considering she hasn't been in the US for very long. i find it cute how she doesn't know what certain phrases mean - like "get the point across". it seems so simple to most of us, but i never thought that other people might find it totally confusing.

anyway...i'm still not in the mood to write about all that stuff i wanted to get off my chest. i don't know if i ever will be now. at the time, i really, really needed to blog, but couldn't. and now that i can, i just don't want to start thinking about all that shit again, you know? i'm ok now, not as upset as i was before. so i guess i'd rather block some stuff out of my head than bring it up here and make myself miserable again. i don't know. maybe i'll change my mind and decide i do need to get some of it out. i'll see tomorrow.

posted at 11:11 PM |

alright, before i start going into personal matters, i thought i'd write a little more about the phillips satinelle epilator i bought last summer. why? because at least 75% of the hits i'm getting from search engines are from people looking for reviews on it. and i know if i were them, i'd want to find out more about it.

so...the first time i used the satinelle was the only time i had any discomfort. (i actually took my time at first and spent a week to do both my legs, only used it for small patches at a time). after that, i've been using it 1-2 times every week. it's very quick and easy, no pain at all, hardly any redness or bumps. i never even use the little sens-relief thing that is supposed to reduce pain, because i don't feel any pain. it's much easier to use without it on anyway. basically, what i like about using an epilator is that my legs feel really, really smooth. even a few days after using it - no stubble, no itching. i like it much better than waxing, because it's faster and gets out fairly short hair too. and since the hair is taken out from the root, it grows back at different speeds - so it's not like when you shave and it all grows back together. although my hair did not grow back finer, there's generally less of it growing at a time, so it seems as though it is lighter.

the negatives: i did get ingrown hair (including a couple of very deeply ingrown ones which were a pain to get out), and i do have some dark spots. but i knew that would happen anyway, my skin's just like that. i actually think scrubbing with a loofa made me scar more, so i stopped using it. anyway, it's winter now, so i don't care because no one's seeing my legs anyway. i just like it when they're smooth, so that's why i use it. it's basically a choice i made, i wouldn't necessarily encourage other people with similar hair and skin to use it unless they have thought it through.

if anyone wants more information or has questions about it, feel free to email me.

posted at 7:22 PM |

i'm so, so tired right now. but i don't feel like going to bed yet. kinda hungry...i don't have much food lying around though, since i cleaned everything out before i left. anyway...i have so much i want to write about, but not tonight. right now, i'm just content in thinking about cal winning (and the niners too - they kicked ass!), so i don't want to mess up my head by thinking about all that other stuff that was bringing me down.

alright, i gotta get off the computer and into bed now. want to sit in on a class tomorrow. assuming i can get out of bed.

posted at 11:15 PM |

fuck yeah!!!! cal: 68, furdies: 54

gooooooooooooo bears!!! wish i could have been there....couldn't even get audio for it!!! ugh!!! but i'm so happy we won for a change. we better be ranked now.

posted at 9:13 PM |

i'm so out of it today...completely forgot cal and stanfurd were playing again. they just played friday night...weird scheduling...but anyway. go bears!!!!!!!!!!!!

i gotta try to find some audio online so i can catch the end. cal's winning right now, but not by much.

posted at 8:29 PM |

by the way, i just republished the december archives, in case anyone had a great desire to comment on something i wrote last month.

posted at 5:16 PM |

i'm back. i'll probably be blogging non-stop for at least a week now, for those of you who missed me : )

just checked my grades: 2 A's, an A-, and a stinkin B+...i knew my paper wasn't that great, but a B+?!?! i haven't gotten less than an A- the whole time i've been here. what the fuck is that about?!? i would go argue with the professor about it, but i really just don't care anymore. a B+ is ok, not the end of the world i suppose.

anyway. new episode of alias tonight!! i'm excited. i know sex and the city starts tonight too, so that's a bit of a dilema...i'll catch the rerun i guess. i'm just so happy i'm back at my place where i have complete control over the tv!!! and i can talk on the phone long distance as much as i want!!! and i can stay online as long as i want to!!! and i can sleep in because i won't be woken up by the sound of screaming children!!! aaaaahhhhh...i like living alone, can you tell?

posted at 5:08 PM |

i hope i can catch the cal-stanfurd game on tv here tonight...i got to watch most of the rose bowl last night by some miracle. the kids wanted to watch something else but i talked them into watching football with me instead. the game sucked though, so...guess it wasn't really worth it. i was rooting for nebraska to win because 1) it would make sean happy and 2) i wanted oregon to share the national championship, thinking it could help generate a little publicity for cal (oregon's OC is cal's new head coach). but whatever. i admit i do feel some satisfaction in seeing nebraska getting blown out twice in a row. just because they are so used to being on the other end of those games.

posted at 2:53 PM |

i'll make the comment box look nicer when i get back to my place. the computer here is too damn slow and irritating to use. anyway, so let me know if the font size needs to be larger or if i should change the colors or whatever.

posted at 10:22 AM |

Imelda informed me of yet another collaborative comment system (YACCS). i've missed getting comments, so feel free to go back to the december archives and leave some there too! : )

posted at 9:55 AM |

back in new york now. there's so much i want to blog about, but i don't know where to start...

*sigh*

a chronological recap or should i go straight to what's on my mind right now? i don't know...

i guess...well...ok, quick summary of the past few days (i'll elaborate later):

saturday - went shopping in the village with my cousin and her friend. interesting experience.

sunday - waited for my cousin to call (we were supposed to go out again); she never did. the kids were annoying me with all their screaming and fighting. so...i got on amtrak and went down to dc to visit sean

monday - sean gave me this long yet rushed death march tour. we walked and walked and walked and it was freezing and i was exhausted and cranky, probably getting on his nerves a lot. he had to go to work for a while, then we went to some lame bar. left before midnight. i don't think he had a good time at all. i was disappointed, very tired, and very annoyingly drunk i'm sure. no kiss at midnight, no happy new year, no nothing.

tuesday - sean's friends came over to watch the oregon-colorado game. then they left. and that was about it. we were tired. went to bed.

wedensday - sean wanted me to leave because he had to start working and stuff. we had decided to go do something in the morning before he had to go to work. but we didn't even get out of bed until afternoon, so...i just went to the train station and headed back. that was kinda poopy.

today - i woke up to kids screaming and crying (one of the main reasons i didn't want to come back here). i swear the 8 year old was screaming for an hour at least. locked herself in the bathroom and was just wailing and screeching like she was insane.

anyway...right now, i just...damn, there is so much going through my head right now, i still don't know where to start.

although it may sound like i had a bad time with sean, i really wish i could have spent more time with him. i feel depressed everytime i have to say bye to him and one of us has to leave. i think it's mainly because as soon as i am without him, i realize how alone i truly am. it just hits me so hard and it hurts. *sigh*

maybe i should take sean's advice and get a cat.

anyway...right now i'm sort of killing myself over things i said/did...regret is one thing, but it's quite another when i can't even make sense of why i do things. or in some cases, why i don't do things that i want to do. this isn't making any sense is it? it's so difficult to explain...

i'm sorry, my mind's all over the place right now. i'll blog later when i have something specific to say. or at least when i don't feel like crying anymore.

posted at 8:39 AM |