first of all, a big GO BEARS!!!! to the cal basketball team. they're just awesome.

i gotta keep this short because i'm tired and i have to be up in 5 hours to head to the airport. i don't think i'll be blogging while in india, so check back around march 12. or you can keep visting and post comments about how much you miss me in the meanwhile : )

reminder to myself: blog about how ridiculous things get when packing for a trip to india. posted at 2:13 AM |  

i got a really, really disturbing search request today (i don't want to type it here because i think that will only result in more people finding my site through those keywords). at first, when i saw the words, i assumed that the link to my site was pretty far back...you know, like # 50-something on the list or whatever. but when i actually looked at the google results, my blog was listed as # 6!!! (i'm sure that the person was really disappointed though because there are no pictures of what this pervert was looking for anywhere on my site). posted at 12:37 AM |  

i can't believe the russians are protesting. they want irina to get a gold medal too? how ridiculous. it's totally different from the sale/pelletier situation because irina didn't skate well at all last night! in fact, i think her scores were a bit on the high side considering she didn't do a triple-triple, and she bobbled a couple times too. whatever. and as for the south koreans - maybe they should tell that guy not to push other skaters and try to knock them down. i don't know what the rules of short track are, but the ref had a reason for disqualifying him, so they just need to accept that. no reason to send apolo death threats. talk about sour grapes. posted at 12:29 PM |  

i feel so sad for michelle kwan...i was anxious all night, waiting to watch her skate...i know she kept saying in interviews that she wasn't going to hold back when she skated this time, but it sure looked like she did. right from the start, it seemed like she was nervous and uptight...nowhere near as good as she is capable of skating. sarah hughes, on the other hand, was brilliant. i still don't quite understand how they ended up in a 3-way tie and she won, but she deserved it. i did feel a little bad for sasha cohen...but she has plenty of time to get a medal. michelle, who knows? she could end up being the female version of todd eldredge. i still think she's one of the best ever though. i won't be surprised if she goes to world's and kicks ass. or if she tries again at the next olympics. but i must admit, it was heartbreaking to watch her fall tonight. posted at 2:02 AM |  

ever want to wear (or in my case, pack) one particular item of clothing, but you can't find it anywhere? so frustrating. i've been looking all over the house for this one skirt. it's the first thing i thought of taking with me, because it's really light and comfortable to wear when it's really hot. i wore it all summer in michigan. anyway...i can't find it. absolutely no idea where it is. haven't seen it since i packed it in michigan, and i have all of the other clothes i had packed in the same suitcase. just not the one single thing i want!!! skirt, where the hell are you??? posted at 6:35 PM |  

i should start packing...i have no idea what to take...i think it's in the low 90's in bombay right now...probably humid...we're planning on taking a trip to the south for a few days, so i'm happy about that. i've never been to south india...should be interesting...

my dad was kinda upset that i'm going for *only* 2 weeks. but 2 weeks in india is plenty for me. really. any longer than that and it gets to be a bit too much to take. the pollution. the weather. the heavy food. he should be happy that i'm even going in the first place. he thinks that i always make up excuses for not going. really, i just hate feeling pressured to go. like i have this obligation to visit relatives and what not. sorry, but i'm just not one of those people who gets really excited about seeing family.

anyway...i only agreed to go to india this time on the condition that we would get out and see some other parts of the country. and i don't want to feel guilt-tripped for not spending enough time with some relatives. it pisses me off when that happens - it's my vacation damnit!!! let me do what i want. posted at 1:02 PM |  

i must go to sleep...but i don't feel sleepy. i feel uncomfortable. *sigh* posted at 2:21 AM |  

for some reason my last post didn't get published. even though it says it was published. i think this has happened before...hopefully everything will be ok when i publish this one.

so i think we're going to india on sunday. unless my mom changes her mind again. she keeps reminding me how hot and humid it is over there right now...i'm trying not to think about that though. and i'm also trying not to think about flying for 20 hours and how shitty i'm gonna feel when i reach there. and i'm trying to remain optimistic that i'll somehow manage to *not* get sick this time. not very likely, but at the very least i'd like to avoid getting a bad fever or any weird diseases (i didn't get any shots this time). so other than all that, i think it'll be alright. posted at 1:17 AM |  

i took out one of my high school yearbooks last night and started flipping through it...no reason, just couldn't sleep and i was bored...anyway, it was kinda weird reading what people wrote...i saw all these references to little inside jokes we had, but i couldn't even remember most of them. i'm sure at the time i thought i'd never forget them. but i did. i'm starting to feel old.

anyway...i also felt a little sad that i'm no longer in touch with some people i thought i would still be friends with.

and i freaked out when i saw this one picture of myself - not the portrait, but another picture that was taken at school for something. my skin had gotten really, really bad at that time. i hardly ever broke out at all until my senior year. and when i did, it was sooooooo bad. embarrassing. yuck. captured in the yearbook for all to remember...

oh, and while i'm feeling embarrassed, on the same page, one of my friends submitted something about me being the "apex of human creation". we had like 20 words to say our thanks or something funny...but she wrote one sentence about me. just me. not that i didn't appreciate it, i cracked up when i read it. but, i mean, i felt bad. when she was submitting her quote, i was totally pressuring her to hurry up because i had to give her a ride and wanted to leave soon, but she was taking forever because she didn't know what to say. so i was joking around telling her to say that i was the greatest and she owed everything to me because i drove her around, etc. not expecting her to actually single me out!! i mean, she had a lot of friends that she was closer to and she had a lot of other people to thank, so...i felt a little bad when i saw that quote. and people teased me about the "apex of human creation" part. i'm far from it, really! posted at 12:51 PM |  

i normally don't like guys with goatees, but how cute is apolo ohno??? posted at 12:02 AM |  

i'm still here. might fly off to india at some point next week though. still unsure about visas/tickets...i'll let my mom take care of that, if she's still going. i can never tell with her because she seems to change her mind every 2 minutes.

anyway, i was going to go snowboarding this weekend, but those plans got cancelled. some other time i guess. i've never actually tried snowboarding before, and i know i'd be falling constantly, but it seems like it would be fun anyway.

gonna keep this short because i've got a headache : ( posted at 12:50 AM |  

i hate it when i make stupid mistakes when i'm sending out resumes!! i need to pay more attention to what i'm doing...i just applied to this one company in fremont, but i wanted to change the "objective" in my resume to match more closely with the job title/description...and i did change it...but i forgot to save the changes!! duh...so the version that got sent out had the original objective. i don't think it matters too much because i did specify the position in my letter, but still...silly mistake. posted at 12:10 AM |  

one my readers (dan) has come up with an idea for linking blogs (B-Link), and he wants some people to test it out. so if you'd like to help him, read the directions in his blog. posted at 11:21 PM |  

while i'm ranting, all this criticism of colin powell is just ridiculous. i don't care that what he said goes against the bush administration. condoms are good. he encouraged their use among people who are sexually active - it's not like he said we should start handing them out to 10 year olds! posted at 5:47 PM |  

almost forgot - yay for sale and pelletier! it doesn't make up for what happened, but i'm glad they got a gold medal. and i hope something will be done to prevent this type of thing from happening again - because i'm sure they aren't the only ones to have been wrongfully judged in competitions. posted at 5:40 PM |  

my mom just called and said we should go to india. like, tomorrow. no reason, just for a vacation. we don't even have visas. she said she could get emergency ones tomorrow morning (even though there is no emergency). i think she's nuts. i wanted to go back in january right when i moved back here, but she didn't feel like it at the time (the reason? she didn't want to have to rush), and i didn't want to go alone. so then we decided to go at the end of february, like after the olympics were over. but even that was iffy. now all of a sudden she wants to go now. so it's not rushing now?? because it's her idea now?? she makes me so mad when she does things like that. well, i don't want to go now.

i know, i'm stubborn as hell.

anyway. so if i suddenly stop blogging after tomorrow, it probably means she talked me into going. posted at 5:37 PM |  

i'm confused...i don't know whether i should start applying for research positions instead of design...research would be ok, and i actually think i'd have better luck getting a job doing that. but...it's not really what i want to do right now, and i don't know whether changing career directions would hurt me overall, in terms of getting the type of job i want eventually...because doing research won't really give me the design skills and experience i need...but on the other hand, it's not like i'd hate doing research. it might be cool, i might decide i like better. who knows. maybe i'm just being impatient.

you know what's really frustrating though? i'm sure there are a bunch of companies that i would apply to, but i have no idea how to find them. so many of them don't list their damn webpages in yahoo or other directories. and it takes forever to sort through everything that comes up in google searches. soooooo annoying. posted at 2:39 PM |  

my neighbor seems really depressed. my mom even stayed home from work today to help her out. she pretends she's fine, but every now and then she spaces out and gets sad.

*sigh*...shitty valentine's day...though sean did email to tell me that he was thinking of me...nice of him to do that i suppose.

anyway...i watched "the graduate" last night. hadn't seen it in several years...i still think it's funny how they show him driving on the top deck of the bay bridge and ending up in berkeley. and i like the music...i'm pretty sure i have this simon and garfunkel cd lying around somewhere... posted at 4:44 PM |  

my neighbor's going to court in the morning, to get her divorce finalized. yup, on valentine's day. nice, huh? her soon-to-be-ex made the appointment. i might go with her to give her some moral support.

anyway...milly was blogging about marriage and how it scares her a little...hearing of so many long-time couples breaking up or getting divorced...i don't think people should be scared of getting married though. i mean, divorces can be messy as hell and i hope i never have to go through one, but even if it does happen, it doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage was a total waste, you know? my neighbor was married for 22 years, and i think she was very happy for at least 20 of them. although their divorce is not what i would call amicable, i don't think she regrets marrying him at all...they had some really good times together, that's clear to me. it's so silly to think of not getting married and missing out on all that just because you're scared of breaking up.

speaking for myself, i don't need the ceremony and the ring and the piece of paper. i'd be happy just living with a guy and staying unmarried. i don't know if that would necessarily mean less hassels if/when we broke up...but anyway...i don't know what i'm talking about, i could be wrong. at the very least, i think i'd live with a guy for quite a while before marrying him, just to make sure i knew what i was getting into. but who knows...it's easy for me to say these things now, to say that i won't rush into marriage, etc. because i'm not considering it now. i'm not in a relationship, and i doubt i will be in one anytime soon...and everything will probably change when i am in love or whatever...i don't know...i should just shut up right now. this topic is pretty depressing for valentine's day! posted at 1:27 AM |  

i feel sorry for todd eldredge. wish he hadn't fallen...but hey, at least he kinda-sorta landed a quad. i don't think he's ever done that in competition before. he probably shouldn't have tried to add on another jump at the end, but oh well. that's life, i guess. i hope he does well in the long program and just has fun with it. he seemed really uptight tonight, probably under a lot of stress...but now that he's out of the medal hunt, i guess he can go out there and skate for himself and try to enjoy it. anyway...i'm still pissed at the french judge for the pairs competition. even if it's true that she was being pressured by the russian judge, she didn't *have* to give into that. no one was putting a gun to her head and forcing her to make the deal with them. i'm curious how the ice dancing competition will play out now. you'd think that they would have done something after the last winter olympics to prevent this from happening again... posted at 1:01 AM |  

i've been having so many dreams involving sean lately. it's strange. usually i don't remember my dreams, but even when i do remember them, they're hardly ever about sean. over the past 7-10 days though, it seems like i've had a dream about him almost every night. last night i dreamt that he had kids. a son that looked just like him, a cute daughter with brown hair, and a couple others as well. i don't know. it was weird. it was all a surprise to me. like i just showed up at his place and there were all these kids that he hadn't told me about. i think it's because i feel like he keeps a lot of things from me. sometimes i wonder if he'll even bother to tell me when he gets married. well, ok, he probably will. but...let's just say that i wouldn't be surprised if one day - not soon, but maybe in a few years - without even knowing that he had a girlfriend, i'll suddenly get his wedding invitation in the mail or something.

anyway...it's probably my overactive imagination...but i guess whenever he seems to be quieter than normal, i feel like there's something going on that he doesn't want to tell me about. it's quite possible that he's just clamming up because he's depressed and going through a rough time right now. i don't know. guess i'll just have to wait and see. posted at 4:23 PM |  

fucking figure skating judge conspiracies!!! sale and pelletier were robbed of the gold medal!!! pissed me off so much. i take these things a little too personally, i know. it's just...no offense to the russian pair (i won't attempt to spell their names) - i really do think they are wonderful skaters as well. i understand that it's a subjective sport and that it comes down to the artistic scores, but i think sale and pelletier were better both artistically and technically. their whole program was gorgeous. oh, and while i'm complaining - ina and zimmerman should have been in 4th, not 5th. that other russian team skated like shit and got placed above them? please. i just don't understand how the sport of figure skating allows this kinda crap to happen. it's bad enough with ice dancing, now pairs too? posted at 11:36 PM |  

why am i so damn lazy??

i've pretty much given up on the job search - ok, not really. but i haven't been actively looking for one lately. and i haven't really done any of the reading for my online course. i didn't take my car for an oil change. i've barely gotten any exercise. i haven't finished cleaning my room or unpacking my stuff from michigan. the list goes on and on really...i can think of a lot of things that i intended to do over the past few weeks but haven't. for no reason other than laziness really. i'm just in this weird phase where i don't want to do anything. i don't know what's going on with me. the job-less blues i guess. blah. posted at 4:06 PM |  

i went to see "in the bedroom" today...what a downer...i mean, it was well-acted and all, but...i guess i haven't really been into disturbing/depressing movies lately. i should have read more about it before going...oh well...ate some really good thai food afterwards. stuffed myself again. i think living in michigan for a while has increased my appreciation for good food. hell, i think it's increased my appreciation for *edible* food. i feel sorry for the poor souls who live their whole lives there without ever really knowing how good food can be. ok, maybe i'm over-reacting a tad...there were probably some decent places that i didn't try because i gave up on the idea of eating out after a few months. but what can i say? i'm really picky about what i eat. posted at 12:51 AM |  

forgot to mention the cal-oregon game - i didn't go, but i should have!! cal was down by about 20 in the first half and came back to win in double overtime. i was getting all tense just watching it on tv. really great win for the bears, and they better be ranked now!! what do they have to do to get some attention? the polls are meaningless and obviously biased, but still...cal's sports reputation could use the help. posted at 12:18 AM |  

you know that commercial with kevin bacon, where someone asks to see his ID, but he doesn't have any, so he gathers a bunch of people to do that whole six-degrees-of-separation thing? i don't know why people always do that with kevin bacon, but anyway. so i was thinking about it and realized i can do it in less than 6 degrees: my 11th grade history teacher taught tom hanks, who was in apollo 13 with...ta-da...kevin bacon! i don't know if that counts or not, but i thought it was funny. posted at 11:54 PM |  

i watched the opening ceremonies for the olympics tonight...it was pretty nice. much better than atlanta's back in '96. i thought that one was really tacky. or maybe it was the closing ceremonies that i'm thinking of. the one that was embarassingly american, with the cheerleaders and the "y'all come back now, ya hear" slogan. that was so annoying....anyway, i'm excited that the games are starting...it'll give me something to watch...and possibly comment on in my blog since i haven't had much to write about lately... posted at 12:08 AM |  

i've started 3 different entries and deleted them all. i don't know what i'm trying to say. fuck it, i'm going to bed. posted at 1:20 AM |  

my neighbor came over for dinner tonight...she's going to be moving soon. she and her husband are divorcing after 22 years. 22. it just seems wrong. and it's such a messy divorce too. i think it's taking a toll on her. she's usually so cheery and full of life. now she's a little bitter and down sometimes...still tries to give the impression that she's happy, but i can tell this is hard for her. hell, it's hard for me and i'm not involved! it all just took me by surprise when i heard about it...and i guess in the back of my mind, i thought they would work it out somehow. i didn't know how bad things were between them, i didn't know he was having an affair...and well, i didn't know they were selling the house! i hoped at least one of them would still be here. our other long-time neighbors moved last year, and we don't really know and trust anyone else. all of a sudden, it's going to be so lonely here. *sigh*...anyway...divorce sucks. makes me not want to get married. hate to sound like a downer (especially to those of you who are thinking about getting married soon) but it just seems like it's so difficult to keep a marriage together...it just makes me sad i guess. posted at 12:55 AM |  

i still don't have shit to say, i'm just sooooooooooooooooo bored. there are things i could be doing, and some things i should be doing, but...well, i'm not. i'm just lazy and restless and driving myself nutty. posted at 6:52 PM |  

i think i have a splinter in my hand. i thought i had pulled it all out when it happened, but it's starting to feel irritated...i'm guessing there's a tiny piece of wood still stuck in there deep down. kinda sucks. i need a magnifying glass or something...

i wish i had something more interesting to write about, but that's about it. posted at 12:04 AM |  

did anyone see that guy on leno tonight? gross. where do people even get the idea to collect something like that? why??? why??? (for those of you who didn't see it, you're probably better off not knowing what i'm talking about) posted at 12:40 AM |  

finally saw the "i'm going to disneyland!" commercial. now i feel complete. posted at 11:11 PM |  

so i found this website for ed tech jobs...and i looked through a bunch of the job descriptions...and...i'm not qualified for anything!!!!!!!!!

grrrr.

i'll probably apply for a few of them anyway, but...it's just a bit discouraging that i spent a year and half getting my master's thinking i would gain the skills i needed to get a job in this field, but i didn't.

i'm thinking about heading in a different direction and applying for research positions instead of software design. i don't know. posted at 6:39 PM |  

well i'm glad the rams lost. i don't care for them much (except for faulk, he's awesome). i still don't think the patriots beat the raiders fairly, but whatever...it was kinda cool that they came out as a team and all that. i hate players who are more concerned with their individual stats (terrell owens) than they are about the team as a whole. and i like rooting for underdogs most of the time.

anyway...i didn't see any great commercials...but i probably missed a few here and there while i was flipping channels. did they even have the traditional "i'm going to disneyland!" one? i didn't see it. posted at 12:43 AM |  

i spent most of today in berkeley...met a couple of really cool people, ex-berkeley math majors as well. the guy has been looking for a job since june (depressing, huh?). his girlfriend just got a job at pixar. that's one place i was thinking about working at, back during my sophomore year of college. but then i switched to this whole education thing instead of computer graphics/animation...so...yeah...so much for that idea! anyway. i'm tired, excuse the babbling. one of my relatives is a professor at georgia tech, but he's on sabaatical in berkeley for the year, so he's renting this huge house in the berkeley hills - just gorgeous. it's way high up, above grizzly peak. i'd estimate it to be at least $2 million. beautiful house...great view of the bay...i fell in love with it! and he's only paying $3500 a month for it! well actually he doesn't have access to the whole house, part of it is separate and the owners locked the door leading to that side. but anyway, it's still an amazing place to live, and a steal for the price he's paying. his wife said she feels like she's suspended from heaven.

i want a house just like it when i grow up! i doubt i'd ever be able to afford it, but i can dream, can't i? posted at 1:12 AM |  

is it just me, or does anybody else get these occasional emails from "nobody" with no subject and no message and no return email address and no attachment? i wonder what that's about. posted at 12:18 AM |  

so here's my very long-winded re-cap of the DC trip. i know, it's a month late...i typed it up a while back but i wasn't sure whether or not i should post it. it's really long, but anyway...here it is: (feel free to skip it if it's boring - nothing important or life-changing)

-----
sunday, dec. 30:
i got to DC pretty late at night...got off the train and saw sean and...*sigh*...he looked so good...i smiled and gave him a hug. it was so nice to see him. we walked back towards his place, stopped at a bar on the way and had a beer. just sat there and talked for a while...he told the bartender that i had just gotten my master's - he knows i'm not the type to try to impress people by telling them stuff like that, so he does it instead. i think he likes to show me off. anyway, then we went back to his place because i had to call my mom and let her know i got there alright. (i hate having to do stuff like that.) fast forward a little. we drank some warm sake and put on some music...he gave me a backrub...we ended up just lying down there on the living room floor and cuddling. it felt perfect, i didn't want to move a muscle...i was so happy and it was just so nice to feel his arms around me, and he smelled really good...i was completely lost in how good it all felt.

anyway...he was staring at me and his face was like an inch away from mine and he asked me what i was thinking. i told him i wasn't thinking about anything, and it's true, i wasn't. my head was all fuzzy and i was just enjoying how good he felt. he said i must be thinking about something, and apparently i was too out of it to know what he was getting at, so i asked him "like what?". so then he asked me if i wanted to kiss (very unlike him to ask by the way). i don't know what was going through my head at the time, but i told him that i was fine doing what we were doing. why did i say that? i don't know...i've over-analyzed it to death. i had just gotten there, and truthfully i was not thinking about kissing him at the time. i hadn't seen him in well over a year and...i don't know...i guess i didn't want to rush things. i was feeling so good right then...not that kissing him would have felt bad, it's always amazing. and i admit i had been thinking about how it felt to kiss him the whole train ride over there. but i don't know, maybe i assumed there would be plenty of time for that later...maybe i was hesitant because i knew i would have to tell him to stop at some point...or maybe i was scared i wouldn't tell him to stop...maybe i was nervous...maybe i just felt weird about it because of the way he asked...all i know is that i was really, really enjoying just lying there cuddling with him and that i didn't need anything more than that at that moment.

so...we cuddled and talked for a little while longer...sean felt weird about going to the bedroom because he's still living with his ex. she wasn't there at the time, but he thought it wouldn't be right for him to sleep with me in there. so we slept on the living room floor - or i should say, we tried to sleep there. it was unbelievably uncomfortable. i don't think i got any sleep at all. his cat kept climbing on me and that didn't help. at one point it sat on the chair next to my head looking at me like he was ready to pounce. kinda freaked me out. i'm not used to cats.

monday, december 31:
eventually in the morning we did go up to the bedroom to try to get a little bit of sleep. i felt a little weird about it, but whatever. my back was killing me and i was very, very tired. i slept for a little while, but then his cat woke me up and i had trouble falling asleep again after that. anyway...i think by the time we got out of bed and got dressed and everything, it was around 1 or 2...i don't really know, but it was pretty late. sean had to be at work at 4. he didn't have any food in his place, but he wanted to show me around, so we just left. did i mention how cold it was? freeeeezing. he doesn't have a car, so we had to walk everywhere basically.

we went to capitol, and to the library of congress, which was cool. it's really beautiful inside. (i'll put up my pics at some point.) after that...well, i was extremely low on energy and i really didn't think i could walk much more without eating something. i knew we were getting late, and sean really wanted to show me the lincoln memorial and some other things...but i seriously felt like there was no way i'd be able to make it without some food in me. so, i convinced sean to stop somewhere for lunch.

after we ate, we got on the subway and went to the smithsonian...we only went in the natural history museum. we weren't there for long, sean gave me a rushed tour. but it was fun. it would have been nice to get to see some of the other museums too, but we just didn't have time. sean's main goal was to get me to the lincoln memorial, which was...oh...like 10 miles away!!! not really, but it just seemed like it. we walked and walked and walked, got to the washington monument, then walked and walked some more and finally got to lincoln. i was probably bitching and whining the whole time. seriously, aside from me being so out of shape, the cold weather was really getting to me. i don't handle the cold well at all. i knew sean was getting late so i tried my hardest to keep up the pace, but i just couldn't do it. i was so freakin exhausted by the time we got there, i don't think i even appreciated it. oh, but it gets better. because then we had to walk ALL THE WAY BACK. yay.

sean figured out that there was no way i could walk fast enough for him to get to work at 4, but he thought it would be fine if he got there at 5 since no one was around anyway. in a way though, this was bad because we didn't even take the subway this time, we walked back all the way. i can't even call it walking - i was dragging my feet, tripping over them half the time. so, so tired...sean had to stop and wait for me to catch up with him so many times. i was ok when he was walking slowly with me and telling me stories - it helped distract me from thinking about how cold and tired i was - but sometimes he'd just start walking so fast and he'd end up several feet in front of me. i know he was late for work, but still, it kind of irritated me.

eventually we reached the restaurant and i got to sit down. it was pretty empty, but sean had to stay for a few hours. it was ok though, he came over and talked to me inbetween waiting on tables. we had dinner there and then left...it was kinda weird. didn't feel like new year's eve because it was so quiet and dead...

part of me wanted to just go back to his place because i was so damn tired, but another part of me was thinking it's new year's eve, we need to be out partying...whatever...i've never in my life had much fun on new year's eve, so i didn't know why i thought this year would be any different...well, ok. i did think it would be different, because i was with sean. usually, i have fun when i'm with him. i thought at the very least, i'd have someone to kiss at midnight.

anyway...most of the bars around there had private parties, or they had some insane cover charge...sean had basically no money aside from whatever tips he got that night. and there's really no point in me paying for one of those all-you-can-drink parties because i'm such a lightweight. so we ended up in this less popular bar with a really annoying DJ. we actually got bored there and left at one point, but it was seriously, seriously freezing outside. we didn't know where else to go...sean was getting irritated with me because i wasn't helping much as far as letting him know what kind of place i wanted to go. but i told him i really didn't care because i just came there to be with him. where we went and who else was there didn't matter to me at all; i just wanted to be somewhere where he would be happy and in a good mood. i think it was the cold that brought us back inside the same bar a few minutes later. so we had a couple more drinks there. i started to feel a little sick, and sean was basically making fun of all the other people there. we talked for a while, then at about 11:30 sean had had enough and wanted to get out of there.

he thought we could try going to the bar near his place, but by the time we got to the area, it was so damn cold we just wanted to be inside. since his apartment was closer, we went back there instead. which was fine with me. when we got in, he checked messages, and my mom had left one. so i started freaking out. partially because i was drunk, partially because i was embarassed, and partially because i realized she must have heard sean's voice on the machine and i knew she would ask about that, especially since i told her that i was staying with a female ex-roommate. so that's when sean started to lecture me about the fact that i'm 24 and i shouldn't have to lie to her about stuff like this. i know he's right, but like i explained before, there's no way he could understand why i have to do these things...

right then, i heard bells ringing and said "it's midnight". i guess i expected him to say something like "happy new year" and give me a hug and a kiss or something, but instead he got pissed and yelled "well turn on the tv so we can at least watch other people having fun!!!"

*sigh*

so much for new year's...that seriously annoyed me.

we went to bed shortly after that, except i was really drunk and not feeling too well so i couldn't fall asleep. plus i was a little upset with sean...not upset...but...maybe a little hurt? and actually i was upset with myself too, i felt like i ruined his night somehow, like i had annoyed him or bored him, or both. i don't know what was going through my head, i was drunk. i wasn't thinking clearly. but i wasn't happy. and i couldn't sleep. i tossed around so much, i kept him up most of the night too.

tuesday, january 1:
we woke up really late, and stayed in bed for a while as we were figuring out what to do...we ended up deciding to go to a movie. but after we showered and got dressed and everything, sean's friend called and reminded him that the colorado-oregon game was going to be on. so the movie plans got cancelled. which was fine with me, i wanted to watch that game anyway. but then some other people decided to come over to watch the game at his place too. so he started cleaning up, cooked some lunch, went to the store to get some food for them, etc. that whole day got wasted pretty much.

anyway, his friends came over...a guy and two girls, i think he went to high school with all of them. the guy seemed alright, pretty quiet. the girls...well, i didn't like them too much. and when they all started talking, it seemed like at least 90% of the conversation was either about people they knew from omaha, or DC stuff. in other words, i was really left out and got bored. i stopped paying attention to what they were talking about after a while, so that didn't help. and, having not slept in 2 days, i really felt like dozing off. the 2 drinks i had while watching the game contributed to that sleepy feeling. then we got some really disgusting pizza which made me feel sick again. i was seriously considering going up to the bedroom to sleep, but i didn't want to be rude. i just kept hoping they would leave soon...

but by the time they did leave, sean was exhausted. i went over to him and hugged him as soon as they were out the door - and that is very unlike me. i'm not the type of person who just goes around hugging people all the time. but right then, i just wanted to be close to him. i hugged him and didn't let go for the longest time.

we sat down and talked for a while...i think he was a little annoyed with me for being so quiet. for not talking much to his friends. i tried to explain to him why i didn't talk much, but i know what he meant...i just have problems being social and friendly in certain situations, around certain types of people...but on the other hand, he could have tried to include me in the conversation a little more too, you know? i really don't think he even realized just how much they were talking about people and things that i didn't know about.

he thought i should leave the next day because he had to work that night and also go back to the office the following morning. i had told him that i'd help him out with his statement of purpose before i left, so we were talking about that for a while...and about law school in general. it's hard for me to understand the way he goes about these things. but it's his life, so...i just hope he knows what he's doing. i try to tell him my opinion and what i would do if i were him, but i know he looks at things much differently than i do. so, it's tough. i guess we have different priorities and reasoning.

anyway...he showed absolutely no signs of wanting to do anything other than sleep, so we just went to bed. and i was disappointed again...just because we didn't get to do anything that night. i would have liked to go out and do something fun...but we were both really tired. since we were staying in though, i wished he would have at least gotten cuddly again. he just didn't seem in the mood at all, and the long conversation about law school didn't help - if anything, it stressed him out. so i didn't know what to do...just went to sleep.

wednesday, january 2:
we slept a lot that night since we were so exhausted. again, we stayed in bed for a long time in the morning, figuring out what to do. we decided to go to georgetown and get some lunch there...but of course, by the time we were up and dressed, it was almost 3. sean had to be at work at 4, so we basically didn't have time to do anything. i got online and tried to get my train tickets, but i was having problems with the amtrak website. i couldn't find a train that left before 8 PM, but that one got into new york too late for my uncle to pick me up. i asked sean if it would be a problem if i stayed there another day, but he didn't think that was a good idea. he told me that he didn't mean to sound like he was pushing me out the door, but he really had a lot of things that he needed to do, and he had to be at work early the next morning, etc. i didn't really understand what his point was because i told him i would have been fine just hanging out at his place while he was at work. but i guess he thought i would distract him from getting all of his things done or whatever, i don't know. i didn't want to force it.

i got back on the amtrak site a little later, and this time i was able to find an earlier train and book my ticket. i thought sean might have suspected i was lying the first time - i swear i wasn't. i did want to stay there another night, but i wouldn't make up a story about there being no trains. i felt a bit worried that he might think i did make it up. he didn't say anything though. i *hope* he knows me well enough to know that i wouldn't do that.

anyway, sean had to get to work so he couldn't walk me to the train station. i walked with him in the direction he was going and then made a turn somewhere. we had our usual awkward goodbye hug and then went our separate ways. and i started feeling miserable as soon as i started walking away. i am always a complete mess whenever i have to say bye to him...i know i don't let him see it, but i just fall apart. i hate having to leave him.

-----

anyway, i beat myself up for a while wondering why i didn't kiss him the whole time i was there. then i tried to convince myself that it was better that way. maybe it was. but who am i kidding? i know it would have felt really, really good at the time. *sigh*

whatever, it's over now. trying to move on and get over it...

i know i tend to write more negative things about him than positive, so it might sound like i didn't have a good time. but i did...all those mornings we were lying in bed messing around and laughing...i loved that. i felt so happy and comfortable, like i didn't want to be anywhere else. and although i complain about sean's moodiness, i know that my own moodiness was just as much to blame. when i chatted with him after i had gotten back to michigan and he told me that i seemed so bored and indifferent while i was there, it just hit me that there were some times when he was trying to cheer me up and i never responded much. and that in turn probably caused him to feel bad and back off. so that's what i was most upset about. i made him feel like i wasn't enjoying his company. big mistake on my part.

i don't know why i hold back so much when i'm with him. probably because in the back of my mind i know we won't get to be together. it seems easier to not get emotional and to not give in to whatever i'm feeling inside when i'm with him. i don't know. i'm just not sure what he wants from me, how he expects me to be emotional when i'm with him, but then go back to being just friends and move on as soon as i say bye. it's not an easy thing for me to do, and it hurts sometimes. don't get me wrong - i'm glad i went to see him. i really needed it at the time...just being around him cheered me up so much and helped me to forget about all these other things that were troubling me. but it's so hard for me when i have to leave him...when i miss him and want to be with him, but can't...and now, he's busy and not writing much, so i feel the distance between us growing again. i'll settle down after i've had a little time to accept, once again, that this is how things are. it just kinda sucks right now...the first two weeks after i left DC he was emailing and chatting with me pretty often, but these past two weeks, i've barely heard from him at all. so that's why i've been missing him lately. it's alright though...no big deal...i'll adjust, just as i always do...(though it would help speed things up if i met a new guy to occupy my mind) posted at 4:50 PM |  

i logged into that online course i'm taking - actually i'm just auditing it because i didn't want to pay. anyway, it's tedious and no one's posted anything yet (probably because they couldn't figure out how/where to do that). why would they make it so confusing to use? oh, and they put up a ton of reading material just for the orientation, to explain everything that we're supposed to do. it's ridiculous. and the first assignment - well, it's an icebreaker really - it's stupid. they want us to speak through the point of view of our pets, or our house if we dont' have a pet. i didn't post anything yet because i want to see what other people write first. you know, now that i think about it, it's possible that other people did post something, but i just can't figure out how to find them and read them because it's so damn confusing!!! posted at 2:54 PM |  

so you know that class i got the B+ in? i had a friend pick up my final and mail it back to me, so i could see what the professor wrote in it and what i got on it (i'm anal, i know). i got a 46 out of 50. she wrote that it was good but that i should have had more contact with students because that would have helped me figure out how to teach them. but like, i told her at the beginning of the semester that i wouldn't have any contact with students until the user-testing at the end, and she said that was ok. i based everything i did on the curriculum which i was given, and that curriculum had been developed through someone else's interaction with students in the target group, so...it wasn't my responsibility to do that, it was already done for me. what did she expect me to do? i don't understand. she's weird. i wonder what she gave other people in the class. i'm sure the guys who were actual teachers both got A's. because they worked with students throughout the semester, not just an hour like me. but what did she expect? i told her i don't have a car or a classroom to go to. she was well aware of what my project would entail, and she had approved it and everything...so she shouldn't complain that it didn't meet one of the requirements.

yes, i know it's over and done with, and i'm not planning on arguing with her about the grade, it's just...i don't know...i guess i expected that the reason she gave me a bad grade - er, i mean a B+ - was because my paper sucked or because i had made a lot of mistakes, etc. but that wasn't the case - she actually wrote that the paper was very well-written and inserted a lot of good comments throughout it. so basically she approved a project that didn't meet a requirement and then still marked me down for not meeting that requirement. that's what i'm irritated about. posted at 1:33 AM |