well...i'm supposed to move back to berkeley this weekend, but i don't know how i'll get my keys. long story. i hope seema meets me at work and drops them off. otherwise i might have to wait until next weekend. it's not a big deal, i just want to be able to sleep in for an extra hour : )

i realize part of the problem is that i go to sleep too late. i can't help it. blogs are partly to blame.

anyway...nothing to say really. i'm just bored because no one emails me anymore. well, sean sends some mass emails complaining about bush now and then. but he hasn't written me personally in a while. i realize he has like 2 million friends that he is trying to stay in contact with, but i still get sad when i don't hear from him.

oh and the guy i subletted to in michigan suddenly decided to sublet his sublet. this kind of worries me. i like to know who's living in my apartment. i got my security deposit back when i moved out, but i still fear that they're going to make me pay for something. or that the original subletter will have to but since he's moving i won't be able to get a hold of him, you know? i don't really trust that guy. there's just something about him...can't put my finger on it. anyway, so i'm just hoping that nothing happens to the apartment in the next 3 months (or that nothing has already happened since i left). posted at 1:05 AM |  

i finally got something to do at work. something other than writing homework problems. now i get to help out with the lesson plans for algebra...did quadratic equations today...exciting stuff, huh? i worked with indigo doing treatments for a little while...but it was weird and we were going slow working together. i don't really understand what she is thinking, she may just be humoring me sometimes by going along with what i say (although i feel like she misinterprets it sometimes and twists it back to what she was thinking originally). it's hard to explain. i think both of us prefer working alone. i know i need to learn how to do the treatments, but it's kind of awkward sitting there watching her...and when she tries to get me involved, i can't really help much because i'm usually not thinking about the content in the same way that she is.

anyway...peter suddenly decided to talk to me and indigo about some really personal things yesterday...he just separated from his wife this weekend and he's going through some sort of spiritual cleansing type deal...i don't know why he was telling us all that stuff, we barely know him. he said it was easier than pretending to be ok, when in fact he's really fucked up inside and going through a lot of shit. i guess i can understand that. but still, i felt like telling him to start a blog instead. he was just getting so philosophical about things, telling us about how he's trying to find himself...*sigh*...if he were a friend of mine, i'd listen with an open heart and try to help out any way i could...but i really don't know peter at all and had no clue what to say to him. indigo tried a little, while i was just sitting there not saying a word. i don't know what he wants or expects from us really. maybe he was just really out of it...depressed, in denial, whatever he wants to call it. i feel for the guy, i really do. and i know it's often easier to talk to strangers. but he has a therapist - why doesn't he use him instead?

i don't mean to sound cold about it. it's just that he made things very uncomfortable by going into too much detail, you know? he could have just left it at the separation, we didn't need to know his whole life story...

oh, and then we went to lunch with bernie and brett yesterday...and bernie once again thanked me and told me i was doing a good job. i was sitting there wondering why he's saying all that. he hasn't looked at anything i've done. in fact, he doesn't even really know what i've been working on (other than doing data entry for him a couple times). it kinda pisses me off when people bs with me. and i think that's what he's doing. maybe he just wants to be encouraging, but like...the way it comes out, i feel a little offended by it. i don't want to be treated like a kid who's unsure of herself and needs some encouragement to know that she's got potential. if i do something big and he sees it and thinks it's good, then fine, he can tell me that. but when he hasn't seen anything i've done, then i don't want the fake compliments damnit!!!! posted at 12:05 AM |  

before i forget, congrats to the national champion cal women's softball team!!! it was a great game. GO BEARS!!! posted at 6:32 PM |  

i'm craving ice cream but we don't have any : ( posted at 6:19 PM |  

i'm so glad tomorrow's a holiday... posted at 1:28 AM |  

went to seema's graduation tonight...way too much geeky computer science humor. but her name was mentioned twice - once for some honor society and once by a professor who was giving a speech. i was so envious. i wish i had been special enough to get my name mentioned at my graduation!! anyway....seema's brother was up from UCLA and he kept me entertained. we were sitting way in the back talking throughout the whole ceremony and making fun of all the nerdy triple-major-with-20-a-plusses type of people. he's such a weirdo himself though. i don't know what happened to him...ever since he's moved to LA he's gotten really health-conscious and he's so into fitness and nutrition...it's good in a way, but i think he's a bit obsessive about it. ok, very obsessive about it. he counts his calories everyday and he's super picky about what he eats...that's not what normal 20 year olds guys do!!! he told me he was out on a date with this girl and he ordered a salad but she ordered a bacon burger. he couldn't deal with it so he never called her again. don't you think that's a bit nuts? i hope this is just some phase he's going through... posted at 1:09 AM |  

yikes. i just stepped on the weighing scale out of curiosity...i'm 110 pounds!! *gasp*

it doesn't sound like much, but keep in mind that i'm only 4'10". this is the most i have ever weighed...i thought i'd lose a couple pounds after i started working, but instead i think i've gained a few...i don't understand how...i'm not eating anywhere near as much junk food as i was when i was bumming around the house...so i guess it's from sitting in front of the computer all day...this sucks!!!

i don't mean to sound like i think i'm fat - no eating disorder or anything. i just want to fit into my clothes again!!! this weight gain was really sudden too...seems like it all happened in such a short time...so it's really noticeable, and i just feel like my body's changing. it's weird and uncomfortable and i don't like it... posted at 1:21 AM |  

it occurred to me that i forgot to do the friday five yesterday...but i just took a look at the questions and i really don't have any interesting answers for them so i think i'll pass this week. i rarely remember my dreams, and if i do, it's only right when i wake up. i usually blank out completely 10 minutes later. i've thought about writing them down, but i guess it's not that important to me.

anyway...i really need to move out soon, things are getting too tense around here. oh wait - i am moving out soon. next weekend, i hope.

my mom's been really pissy ever since i told her i was going on a trip to houston with my dad and a bunch of relatives on his side. my aunt is usually ok to be around, but she was really irritating me and pissing me off a lot today with her attitude. and i was too annoyed to ignore it, so i said some things to her which probably made things a lot worse. so now both of them aren't really speaking to me. and they don't speak to each other. so...yeah...it's just weird and everyone's tense and i just don't want to be here anymore. posted at 11:15 PM |  

just got back a little while ago...so tired...

first of all, the graduation was at the greek theatre. i don't know why i thought it was at zellerbach. but anyway. seema called me at work and told me the reception was at 5 - before the ceremony (weird, huh?). but i didn't get in to work until 10, so i didn't want to leave that early. she told me she'd leave the reception a little after 6, then call me and pick me up from work. so...i waited and waited and no call. finally, she calls at 6:45 and tells me that nisha's dad was going to pick me up on his way but he forgot...so... then she suggested i take the shuttle - i thought it had stopped running at 6:30, but she said they increased the hours. so i ran over to the stop and was able to catch the 7 o'clock shuttle. got to the greek just as nisha was getting up on stage. i'm so glad it didn't start right at 7, and i'm so glad that the shuttle driver stopped at the greek earlier than she was scheduled to (it's supposed to be the last stop).

anyway, so then after nisha got her fake diploma, i was looking through the program and saw an old friend of mine listed. i was totally shocked...the last time i spoke to him, he told me he was going to take a year off and then go to med school. apparently he got his master's in mcb instead. i saw him when he was waiting to go up and waved frantically trying to get his attention, but he didn't see me : (

i wanted to go look for him after the ceremony, but it was around 10 and we were starving, so we took off and went to my dad's for a late dinner. just hung out there with the family for a long time. i'm really exhausted now. ready to crash. next up is seema's on sunday... posted at 1:35 AM |  

i gotta go to my cousin's graduation tomorrow evening. i have no idea what to wear and my hair's being weird and i still have to buy something for her and get a bite to eat right after i get off work (6:15-ish) and then rush up to zellerbach (thank god it's not at the greek theatre though! that would be a long trek). i have no idea where the family's meeting or sitting. my other cousin wants to meet up and go there together, so i don't know how i'll have the time to do everything. i just spent so long trying to find clothes that still fit me. i can't believe how much weight i've gained. plus i just don't have many nice clothes. i always feel self-conscious about what i'm wearing when i'm with some of my relatives because they make me feel like i look like a bum or something...i don't know how to explain it...they just dress nicer than i do, while i'm always looking awkward and uncomfortable...sigh...doesn't help that i rarely wear make-up and that my hair's always a mess...

so anyway...i should go to sleep now because i have too much to do in the morning and i want to try to get to work earlier than normal so i can leave by 6. it's going to be a looooooong day. posted at 12:48 AM |  

work sucked as usual. i really don't have much to do at all, but everyone there is so busy and stressed out so i don't want to disturb them. i caught brett taking a break in the afternoon so i asked if there was anything i could do. he gave me stuff to read, and i finished it. so now i have nothing to do tomorrow! oh, and they offered another (more experienced) designer a 3-month trial. so i'm thinking that would mean even less stuff for me to do. if he takes the job.

on monday indigo seemed to think they were on schedule to meet the deadline and that things were going to be ok...but today i heard they are actually like a week behind schedule. one of the programmers was sick for 2 days last week, and she's taking 3 days off this week. on top of that, monday's a holiday. so...brett's pretty much accepted the fact that he won't be working there much longer. which is a shame, because he's a nice and intelligent guy and it really isn't his fault that they aren't going to meet the deadline.

i think the environment at work will be really fucked up when he leaves.

aside from the fact that they were trying to do something impossible to begin with (considering how little funding they have), i think part of the problem is that the people working there goof off too much. there are a few people who seem to work hard, but the others...i hear them talking all the time, messing around, listening to music, etc. and they don't really seem to care too much about their responsibilities, you know? maybe it's because they're all so young...i'm not sure...i just know that if i were them and i had all that work to do and a deadline to meet, i'd be working more than 8 hours a day to make sure my shit gets done. i wouldn't want someone else's job on the line because of me. i'm not convinced that a lot of the people working there feel that way though. it's sad. i'll be upset when brett leaves since he's my cheerleader and the one who insisted on hiring me...really, he's the only person there who seems respect me and treat me the way i'd like to be treated - as an intelligent and capable person, not just some young and clueless intern. posted at 12:14 AM |  

i don't want to go to sleep...but i know i have to...it's just one of those nights - i have too much on my mind and i'm feeling some anxiety over...well, stupid things...i wonder why i do this to myself, drive myself insane with worry and with nervousness (is that a word?) and just unnecessary stress. i feel like such a mess sometimes. posted at 1:20 AM |  

i got really pissed at my mom tonight. and vice versa. i think we've had enough of each other. just a week or two more...then i will be out of the house...though i'll probably come over every weekend anyway, to eat and stuff...

the good news is my foot stopped hurting at some point today. i went for a long walk at lunch time. just because i couldn't stand being in the office. but then it got cold so i grabbed a top dog and went back. but i think the long walk cured the problem with my foot, whatever it was.

damn it, i just remembered that i wanted to work on something for work tonight. i find that i can't think clearly in the office, and i especially can't do math in the office. i just needed to make up a small data set and calculate the correlation and find the regression line so i can make that a homework problem. yup, i went back to writing homework problems. this new part-time guy i sit next to asked me what i do, and i told him i write homework problems. he seemed kinda confused by that concept. i guess he is dealing with back-end issues or something. i don't know. i find him annoying so i don't really talk to him much.

ha ha...most of the people at work probably think i'm a cold bitch because i pretty much avoid talking to them. whatever, i don't care. posted at 11:58 PM |  

i hate it when i feel the need to blog about several things but i don't have the time/energy...when i get home from work i just don't feel like looking at my computer at all. and when i do get on to check email before i go to bed, i know i have to go to sleep soon...and i also know that when i start blogging i end up taking a lot longer than i had intended. so, basically i have a lot of crap built up inside of me that i just haven't been able to get out. and i have some other things i wanted to say in here but just haven't gotten around to it. and no, i'm not going to get any of it posted tonight. my foot is killing me. i'm sleepy. the weather's weird. my job sucks. i'm annoyed with certain people. my rose is stuffy. my foot is really killing me. i know i said that already, but it huuuuuuurrrrts. yeah, i'm cranky. i gotta go to bed. posted at 12:25 AM |  

damn, i have to go to work tomorrow. i wanted to blog about a few more things but i have to go to bed now or else i'll be a total mess in the morning... posted at 1:18 AM |  

by the way, to those of you coming here from the link in milly's post, i *think* the entry she was referring to was the may 15th one... posted at 12:28 AM |  

i went shopping again today. didn't bother to try on any jeans though. i have to go to 3 graduations and one engagement party within the next few weeks and i basically hate most of my clothes so...i don't know, just wanted something nice to wear. but i didn't find anything : (

i'm not much of a shopper. basically a t-shirt and jeans kinda gal. but when i get depressed, i find that getting new clothes cheers me up. in particular, clothes that i will probably never wear. i bought a cute little outfit today and i'm already thinking it should probably go back. it wasn't too expensive, but it was more than i would usually pay for something like that. and i really don't know if/when i'll ever wear it. i just liked it. so i bought it. but i did hold myself back from buying this $50 top that i fell in love with. it was beautiful...but unfortunately, out of my price range. posted at 12:24 AM |  

i desperately need some new jeans. 2 or 3 of them. it's been so hard for me to find any that fit lately. and when i do, they're low riders, which i don't consider appropriate for wearing to work. i don't think they'd care, but i just feel uncomfortable about it.

so...can anyone recommend a place where i can get non-hiphugging jeans that come in "short"? posted at 12:58 AM |  

i was going to go to sleep. but here i am still up. i'm really tired, but my head hurts. took some tylenol, just waiting for it to start working. i think i'll sleep in until noon tomorrow.

anyway...today was bernie's birthday. he was in a meeting on campus, but sunshine bought a cake for him and the 10 of us who were in the office took a "field trip" to campus and surprised him. i was just glad to get out of the office.

i've been taking it easy there...got sick of writing homework problems so i started editing some text that indigo wrote. and i'm taking my sweet time with it. actually, i was only supposed to fill in a few paragraphs with examples, but i'm a freakin grammarian and i can't stand to read poorly written text, so i couldn't control myself...just had to start editing, changing some words here and there, making sure that commas are used properly, etc. you probably can't tell from reading my blog that i am such a freak when it comes to grammar, but it's true. maybe i don't pay much attention to it in my blog because this isn't professional or anything. but if i'm writing a paper for school or whatever, i'm pretty anal about it. anyway. i basically just couldn't stand the thought of that text being used as is because it was very unprofessional, and the poor usage of commas was driving me totally nuts. so...i spent a long time working on it. she was probably wondering what the hell i was doing with it. i didn't commit it to cvs until after she left work today. and the thing is, i didn't even really finish writing those few paragraphs i was supposed to. i don't really like writing content, i just like making what she wrote sound better. it's easier.

then i started editing the glossary. she just asked me to look over the definitions she wrote to make sure they were ok. but i found some typos and some poor wording, so i started nit-picking with those as well...

i really should go finish working on those homework problems on monday though because i kinda left it half-way done. and i should finish the text like i was supposed to. they probably think i'm very strange...really, it's just that i have a short attention span and i can't keep working on the same thing for so many hours straight. plus, the work is so boring that i don't pay attention at first. it takes me 2-3 attempts at reading the same thing over and over before i actually start making changes.

anyway. people keep saying weird things to me there, and i don't know how to take it. like today...peter just randomly told me i was working hard. ok, i was like the only non-important person who was there after 6 today (i had missed my train so i thought i might as well stay there another 10-15 minutes and finish up the glossary). but what did he mean by that? i told him that the stuff i was doing was easy, so i wouldn't really consider it hard work. and earlier that day bernie came by and told me that i was doing a good job - how the fuck would he know? he hasn't looked at any of my work. he asked me if i was fixing all of the inconsistencies i found, and i told him that no one told me to fix them. and even if they had, they didn't tell me how to fix them, or give me permission to fix them. i'm not going to go in and do something that no one's specifically told me that i should feel free to do.

the company is so fucked up in some ways. i heard more rumors today that some people are probably going to be fired soon. i really don't know what the deal is, i'm still trying to fit in somehow. and not having a very easy time doing that. but it's ok, i'm not miserable there. just bored.

alright, i gotta go to bed now. posted at 1:45 AM |  

the friday five is back up. the questions aren't all that interesting this week, but whatever...i don't really have anything else to say, so i might as well:

1. What shampoo do you use? joico most of the time, but once a week i use this other one for dandruff.

2. Do you use conditioner? What kind? puritives...it's the only fragrance-free conditioner i could find, yet i still feel like i am allergic to it.

3. When was the last time you got your hair cut? a few weeks ago. i already blogged about it.

4. What styling products do you use? none on a regular basis.

5. What's your worst hair-related experience? hmm...i'd have to say it was my brilliant idea in the 4th grade to braid my wet hair and sleep with them in because i thought it would be all cute and wavy the next day but really it ended up being a nightmare. and yes, it was picture day at school. posted at 12:53 AM |  

i went to lunch with a bunch of people from work today...it was ok for the most part, but at one point, indigo started asking me about classes i took at michigan. then we got into a little debate over online collabroation. not a debate really, but i was trying to explain to her that it was really stressed in my classes at michigan, and i told her about some projects they have going there which involve a lot of online collabroation, and she just pretty much didn't buy any of it. she is one of those people who overstress the importance of non-verbal communication. i didn't really know what to say to her, and besides - she kinda shot down everything i started to say. the thing is, there are plusses and minuses about online collaboration. it works for some people; it doens't work for others. but it's not a completely negative thing. a lot of people feel more comfortable communicating online than they do in a big lecture hall with 200 students or whatever. i know i do. and a lot of professors feel that when students post on the discussion boards, they put more thought into what they're saying, ask more intelligent questions, and learn to become more articulate. i'm not saying that face to face discussions aren't important, i'm just saying that online discussions aren't all that bad as some people make them out to me. i know i haven't been very supportive of my program at michigan, but i will say that i really like some of the projects they have going and i was amazed at the amount of communication and collaboration that goes on between students from all over the world who participate in those projects online. students who would have no chance of ever communicating with each other and learning from each other if not for technology. posted at 12:22 AM |  

what did i tell you? they gave me some text to write today. well, edit anyway. and fill in some paragraphs here and there. ugggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

i don't want to do it. but what am i supposed to say? posted at 1:22 AM |  

i'm getting sick of my job already. it'll be 2 weeks tomorrow...*sigh*...i've been stuck writing homework problems lately. everytime there's an important meeting among the designers and content people, i feel sad that i'm not invited to join in. i understood last week, but i kinda wanted to be in on today's meeting. i can't express how frustrating it is to be doing what i'm doing there right now. it's not horrible, and i wouldn't have minded it 2 years ago. but now...well, i'm a little over-qualified for this in my opinion...and besides, i'm not even interested in working on content. i want to design. and even if they were to let me design anything, there isn't enough flexibility in this place for me to design the kind of stuff i'd like to design!!!

i know, i should wait for them to have the time to train me. and i know i'm getting paid a reasonable amount considering how dumb and stress-free my job is. but i just feel a little insulted sometimes because i'm not a college student anymore, and i've had enough internship-type experiences already when i was a college student, so i really think i deserve a real job now, you know? how long must i intern before anyone believes that i'm good enough?!?!

i know that i'm not ready to be a head designer. but...i don't know...i guess what i envisioned for my first job is so different from what i'm doing now. i assumed i'd be an assistant, working with other designers and content people...not just to help out with little things, but to actually be able to give them my input while learning new things and getting design experience. if/when i do get a chance to do something here, it'll be me working alone to develop content, and i just don't want to do that. i'm so sick of writing homework problems as it is, the last thing i need is to start writing text.

alright, i think you get the idea. i need to go to bed now. i promised myself i'd be in bed by 12:30 and as you can see, i'm a bit past that bedtime. posted at 12:41 AM |  

crap. i just realized that i completely missed my blog-anniversary. it was last week. i guess i was preoccupied or something. i swear my job is making me brain-dead. i wanted to write something introspective about the past year or whatever...eh...maybe over the weekend. posted at 1:04 AM |  

no earthquake damage here...i did feel it though, it was moderately strong (a 5.2) and seemed to last a bit longer than the normal 3-point-whatevers. probably a lot scarier for those who live in the gilroy area. me, i was just lying on the sofa watching tv and casually thinking "oh, is that an earthquake?". that's my normal response. of course, the hayward fault has been really quiet, and that's the fault i am closest to (if not right on top of). it's probably long over-due for a big one. i'm sure i'll feel it when it comes. posted at 12:05 AM |  

i don't want to go to work tomorrow!!!!! how did the weekend pass so quickly? : ( posted at 12:27 AM |  

i don't feel like going to sleep. i don't know why. i'm tired. and i want to try to get up reasonably early tomorrow because a bunch of relatives are coming over for lunch, and i haven't gotten my mom anything so i should probably go do something about that. but anyway...i don't know what's wrong with me. feel bothered by something, but i can't figure out what it is. it's very annoying. posted at 2:13 AM |  

oh, by the way...you know what i like best about working? that i can leave work at the office. it was so strange at first, because i felt like taking stuff to do at home (as in, for homework). then i remembered i'm not in school anymore : )

that was nice. posted at 1:21 PM |  

ok, i have the time and energy to write now and catch up the two readers i have left...don't know where the others went, guess i bored them. but it doesn't matter.

so...work. the first few days, i basically worked through a statistics course that they've developed. looked for bugs, took some notes on things, timed how long each lesson took. then, i had to read through all the text and write down the keywords for each section, tried to match them up with the corresponding interactive lesson...that took me quite a while...and gave me quite a few headaches...on thursday, the president made me do some data entry for him. that pissed off the guy who hired me...and i was glad that it pissed him off, because it's nice to know that he thinks i should be doing something more important. yesterday i wrote some feedback and explanations for homework problems. got boring after a while. i think my problem is that i need a variety of tasks to do at a time. spending 1-2 days just on one thing...god it gets boring...

as for the people...i don't know...still feel sorta like an outsider, you know? there are 2 content people - one is the current instructional designer, though she doesn't even have a background in instructional design. just a master's in math. she's leaving in august to go back to school. i am supposedly going to be apprenticing with her before she leaves. but she hasn't really spoken to me much or given me anything to do. the other content person is this math grad student. i think he teaches at a community college. anyway, i don't like him. he thinks he's this big shot, but really he just started working there a couple months ago. he's a horrible writer and he treats me like a little kid. i think i can do his job much better than him. whether i'll get the opportunity to show them that, who knows?

ok, then there are the 2 graphic designers...the guy has never even bothered to say hi and introduce himself to me. i don't really like him, seems like an ass. the other one is an indian girl, who also doesn't really talk to me. but i like her clothes, she dresses really nice (she's the only one there who dresses nice, so that's why i noticed). then there are some engineers and programmers and shockwave people...some i have spoken to, some i haven't. i don't really see myself becoming friends with any of them.

all of those people seem to be in their twenties or possibly very early thirties. so it's a pretty young staff all around. i guess i have 2 supervisors, also fairly young - the guy who hired me and the one who swears non-stop (though yesterday he switched from "oh fuck" to "oh fudgicles" for some reason). i like them. they're very nice and they encourage me a lot, though i don't know how much of it is bullshit and how much is really appreciative of the work i've done. everyone's kinda stressed right now because they have a deadline coming up very soon and they are nowhere near where they should be. if they don't meet the deadline, some people will probably be fired, so i can see why they are a bit tense. hopefully in a few weeks things will settle down a bit and i'll get the opportunity to try out different things...

oh but there's the president. he's kinda nuts and seems to want me around to do all the tedious shit that no one else has time to do. i heard him saying that he's going to make me in charge of editing the video clips. i guess it might be ok, but i would really like to get more involved in desiging, you know? i didn't get a master's to sit around and edit digital videos...*sigh*...

anyway. overall, it's a laid back place to work. people are always messing around (it's no wonder they are behind schedule). i don't really know how i'll fit in, if i'll fit in. a lot of the people there are...how should i say it?...well some are clearly children of hippies...and one is a real hardcore activist. so...i just feel a bit out of place sometimes. i hope i'll feel more comfortable there in time.

mostly, i just want an opportunity to prove myself, to show them what i can do, you know? so it's frustrating right now because i don't have any say in design decisions at all. and actually, they are about to hire another instructional designer. granted he has a lot more experience than i do, but...with him around, i am really concerned that i won't have much of a chance to get involved in the design at all.

so...for now i'm just hoping that i'll learn a lot and that this experience will help me get a job after this whole internship thing is over...i don't know whether or not they'll want to keep me...or whether i'd even be interested in staying there if they do want me...we'll see...it's still early. i think i'll have a better sense of things in a month or so. posted at 12:37 PM |  

don't you hate it when you're so positive that you'll have an email from someone, but then when you finally get around to checking, you don't have any? i was really looking forward to it, so now i'm super-sad. what a let down...

yes, i know i'm pathetic.

i'm really tired but it's friday so i don't want to go to bed yet.

oh, i got mooned on bart today. not really, but i saw way too much of some dude's ass crack. i think he had some mental problems, just seemed a bit freaky. he was standing there and i noticed that his pants were really low. and i mean really low. i was trying to convince myself that maybe he just had short legs and a really long torso, so it just looked as though his pants were hanging off his ass. but then he turned around and i saw it. gross, huh? i mean, this isn't some young guy wearing his pants low on purpose. this was just...nasty...like, he had no underwear on and his pants were just belted on half-way down his ass instead of at his waist. i don't know what the deal was. but anyway...so i got the giggles. i was able to repress it for the most part because i was alone, but if i had been sitting there with anyone i knew, i would have had to switch cars to go laugh it off.

i see some strange folks on bart.

alright, i'm going to sleep now. i'm beat. posted at 2:01 AM |  

work was silly today. i hope it gets better soon because i'm really frustrated there so far. i want to be doing something important, i want to create...do something meaningful. they said the thing i was working on earlier this week was important, but i don't know. sometimes i feel like they are trying to make me feel like i'm important even though i'm not, you know? anyway...they're on a really tight deadline right now and i think as soon as they get all that shit done (IF they get all that shit done) then they'll have time to train me to do other things...and hopefully i'll feel more motivated then. i know i'm new there, but i just want so desperately to have more say in what they're doing...just have to be patient i guess.

getting dizzy, time for bed. posted at 12:33 AM |  

here i am up way too late again.

i was about to go to sleep a while ago, but then...well, i don't know how to explain...i just got really sad and hurt about something...and i feel ridiculous because i know i shouldn't be feeling that way, there's no reason for it really. but i just am. i can't help it...

it's one of those things...like, if someone were to ask me about it, i would say i don't have a problem with it at all. but in reality, sometimes these little things just kill me inside.

i apologize if this is making no sense. i don't feel like elaborating, so just bear with me. i know what i'm talking about and that's all that really matters. i didn't have a point to any of this, it's just that my blog is the only place i would dare to admit that yeah, i'm hurt. yeah, i'm sad. yeah, i'm even angry. the mature me knows that i shouldn't be, but that's just the way it is, the way it's always been. i remember blogging several months ago about how i take things too personally. well, here i go again. i think i have been the source of most of my pain, now that i think about it. but anyway. i have to go to sleep. posted at 12:57 AM |  

why is it that everytime i say i'll go to bed early i end up sitting here wide awake, blogging at 1 AM?

*sigh*

i really dislike what i'm doing at work right now, boring as hell. and tedious. it's like i'm going to end up doing all the really irritating things that no one else has time for, you know? i'll explain more later.

basically, my back hurts and i'm on my period, was very uncomfortable all day today because it was unusually heavy (sorry, too much information?) and i just felt really gross.

i also find it very hard to concentrate and get a lot done when i'm there because i'm not used to working when there are so many people around, talking or whatever. and the graphic designer brings his dog to work sometimes so it was just roaming around the office. then there's one of my supervisors who keeps yelling out profanities at his computer, loud enough for the whole office to hear.

i would be so much more productive if i could telecommute.

anyway, i seriously gotta go to sleep now. posted at 1:11 AM |  

i thought i would blog more this weekend, but i guess i just didn't feel like looking at the computer screen. anyway, i need to go to bed now so i don't have a terrible time getting up on time in the morning... posted at 12:12 AM |  

i should really go to sleep now. staying up this late is totally going to screw up my schedule for the coming week. but anyway...just wanted to blog a bit before i went to bed.

i went to yosemite today - just a random, spur of the moment road trip. got back around 1 tonight...but anyway, it was just so peaceful there and made me feel a heck of a lot better. i think there's something in the air there that just makes me feel good...i don't know, i just love it. i see beauty in everything when i'm there, you know? don't mean to sound corny, but i seriously think it's the most beautiful place in the world that i have been to so far. unfortunately, glacier point was closed (silly me forgot to check about that before i went...it opens on the 20th!!). but i went to bridalveil and yosemite falls...gorgeous at this time of year. (in the past, i've usually gone around august when there's not nearly as much water in them)

oh, and get this. i was at the ansel adams gallery looking at some prints and started talking to this woman who was also looking...and guess what she asked me? "what grade are you in?" ack. she probably thought i was like 16!! i hate it when that happens. i know one day i'll be thankful that i look young, but why can't i look, say, 21 at least??

alright, i need to shut up and go to bed now. i just wanted to say that i felt really good being out there and forgetting about my crappy job and my depressing life and all that. posted at 2:51 AM |  

so, so, so tired. i think i'm gonna sleep for 10-11 hours tonight. feeling dizzy right now. i was yawning all day at work...hardly got any work done at all, just kept spacing out. sometimes, i wish i drank coffee. but i don't really want to start now. anyway...from 3-6, i was pretty much just sitting there listening to other people talk while pretending to be very involved in the excel file i was supposed to be working on. i overheard an interesting conversation actually...mostly people complaining about the president and what a nut case he is. if i fuck something up, he might very well fire the guy who hired me. not that i have any real responsibilities right now. but if/when i do get some, i have to be damn careful.

i want to write more, but i'm really exhausted and better hit the sack before i pass out... posted at 12:52 AM |  

more of the same...i'm so tired...it's only been 2 days?...*sigh*...i can't imagine how tired i'll feel after working for a full 5 days next week.

and why's it so damn cold here? brrr...is anyone else freezing or is it just me? posted at 12:01 AM |  

work was ok...kinda boring what they're making me do now...but that's the life of an intern. i hope it'll get better soon. some people were friendly, some didn't say anything to me. i don't have my own computer and phone and desk yet, but i should have all that by friday or early next week. oh, and i don't have to wake up quite as early as i feared because hardly anyone shows up before 9:45 anyway...they are all pretty laid back about things and everyone works together so it's kinda nice in that way...

alright, i'm tired, going to bed soon. i will write more on the weekend and explain what the hell i'm doing there. posted at 11:42 PM |