feel like i've been really boring lately, blogging about work too much. wish i had something else to write about for a change. i guess if i didn't write about work, then i'd be writing about how lonely i am, or how much i miss sean, and that's boring too. (though the purpose of this blog is not to entertain, so i really don't care and i'll write about whatever the hell i need to get off my chest regardless of how boring it may be)

i guess i just wish that something interesting was going on with me...something that i could tell people about, some good news or a funny story or something, you know?!?! posted at 11:29 PM |  

i'm getting more and more apathetic about work everyday...ok, i shouldn't say that. i'm not apathetic, i just...don't feel very passionate about it. not because of what i'm doing, but because of the bullshit i have to put up with at this company. honestly, my feelings got a little hurt today - i heard two programmers discussing something about one part of the previous lesson, and i really felt that i should have been in on that conversation. dan said that he would work with me to add something to it, but he didn't work with me. he didn't even really talk to me about it to see if i could come up with something better, or if we could compromise. he decided to get a programmer's opinion instead. then he came over and told me what they had decided to do. he knows i don't like the decision, but i was too hurt to really argue with him this time. and he seemed like he just didn't want me to get involved, because it's easier for him to just do whatever he pleases if i'm not disagreeing with him. *sigh*

anyway...i was trying to overhear the conversation he was having with the other programmer, and it sounded like he told her that he said something to me but that i thought he was joking so i didn't do what he said. now, first of all, he jokes around a lot. like constantly. but i'm not stupid and i can tell the difference...second, isn't that something he should be telling me, not some other random person? i don't like it when people talk about me behind my back.

i know i used to complain about school a lot, but at least i would feel some ownership over what i worked on for my class projects - i'd care about how they turned out, and i'd want to be proud of what i did in the end. i don't feel that way about what i'm doing at work. i hate that i can't discuss things with the people above me and find a solution that works. i hate that people don't really seem to care about my opinions at all.

to quote milly, "i want to go back to school. i'm not ready for the real world." posted at 11:33 PM |  

i didn't go to the office dinner thing tonight...was going to go, but then i found out that a few other people weren't going, and i didn't want to go there and be stuck with the boss and the older people, eating vegan food, pretending to be interested in their conversations...

the new girl dropped by for a little while to talk to me. she's pretty nice, i think i'll like working with her. she's not starting until mid-august though, so until then i'm pretty much on my own with the current lesson...she seemed to think that what i did so far was fine though, didn't have any problems with it.

you know what though, she's going to get indigo's computer and phone line. meanwhile, my computer at work is not even hooked up and connected to the network. (and even if it were, it's so old and crappy, i probably wouldn't use it.) i have no phone (i'm using indigo's now). i sit way in the back instead of in my cubicle. i feel so neglected!!! posted at 12:05 AM |  

i should go to bed...got to go to work tomorrow. how much does that suck? and i guess i should go to the party afterwards too...*sigh*...i wish there were some fun people at work. then it wouldn't be such torture. there was that one guy who was fun, but he got fired. was having too much fun i suppose.

anyway...i feel like i had something i wanted to do online, but i can't remember what it was. i'm getting old. posted at 12:29 AM |  

got my laptop back and hooked up the DSL (it works now because i got a different ethernet card). took out the battery so it wouldn't overheat, hope it's ok to use it with a big open hole in the back...

i still wish my desktop would come back on, just for 1 day! i would be so happy...i doubt it will because i just don't have that kinda luck, but i'm still kinda optimistic. or in denial, however you want to phrase it. posted at 10:41 PM |  

i'm really impressed by people who are participating in the blogathon...i'm not sure if i could do it...well, maybe if i were in the right mood and not terribly tired...but it really wouldn't be interesting at all, mostly me just babbling about stupid stuff. i guess that's what i do in most of my blog entries anyway i suppopse : )

i think the best blogathon-type thing i have read is the home depot blog. don't remember the url off the top of my head, but someone basically stayed in a home depot all day and blogged continuously...it was really funny. i'll try to find the url.

ok, found it.

have i linked to this before?...seems like something i would do...i don't know, it just made me laugh. posted at 11:37 PM |  

it's been a long week.

i think losing all that stuff on my desktop has drained me...i don't know how to explain it. i'm just really bummed out.

but anyway. life goes on, right?

i've been opening my mouth a lot more at work this week. i think it's because indigo's gone. i just feel more free now. i got into a pretty loud argument with peter on thursday. he just said something that annoyed the hell out of me. he has this tendency to sometimes talk to me like i'm one of his students. i absolutely hate it when he does that. i've kept my mouth shut and put up with it for a long time, but that day, i just couldn't take it anymore!!! i think he was really shocked by my outburst. i think i freaked him out a little to be honest. so he went off to the bathroom (i swear, it must be his refuge...he goes in there like 10 million times a day!). i was nice to him today to make up for it, but it was difficult...gotta be really patient with him, he's really slow up there for a mathematician...

we're having an office party in sf on monday. at some vegan place. it might be fun; it might be complete torture. i don't know. i didn't really want to go, but i feel like i should. i haven't really bonded with people at work. i think it's because i'm sitting way in the back, kinda isolated from everyone else. i could probably move to the content cubicle and use indigo's old computer, but then i'd have to share the cubicle with peter and i don't think i'd be able to stand that.

anyway...i guess i don't have any non-office stories to share. didn't do much this week...had some more weird dreams with totally random people, and one made-up person who i was apparently dating or something. (he was ugly though) and i had one dream about my computer suddenly coming back to life...i'm still hoping for that!

and now i'm off to bed because i'm incredibly sleepy... posted at 1:30 AM |  

i can't concentrate at all...really want to leave work right now, but i should stay for another hour or so...just having trouble thinking of how to put together some parts of the lesson i'm working on...it's the kind of thing where when i look at it for too long, i really don't see it clearly. i need a break from it. hope it'll be easier on monday. posted at 5:27 PM |  

blogging from work now...so horrible...i don't want to get in the habit of doing this, just wanted to check in and let my readers know that i'm alive.

unfortunately, i can't say the same about my computers.

well...my laptop's sitting in some store, and i might be able to use it for a little while if i take out the battery and just leave it plugged in all the time. but i'm not sure how long it'll last since apparently the motherboard is damaged.

my piece-of-shit desktop did die on me, convenienty the day after i dropped off my laptop. it really sucks when you lose years of your life like that. sadly, i felt like quite a bit of my life is on my computer...and i was really stupid to not back up some files, i know that. this happened to me with my previous computer too so i should have learned my lesson. honestly i've been too mad at myself this time to get sad about losing stuff. it really hasn't sunk in yet.

most of my final projects from school are backed up, so i didn't lose those...but...i hadn't backed up some personal things that i wrote. lost a whole lot of emails that were really important to me. probably lost some addresses and phone numbers that i never wrote down. a bunch of mp3's. random stuff people sent me...*sigh*...

the thing that kills me is that i actually sat down on sunday with the intention of backing up stuff, but then i realized that all my blank CD's and floppies were still at my mom's. was planning on picking them up this weekend and bringing them to my apartment. ha. too late.

that's pretty much the story of my life.

but anyway...i better get back to work. posted at 6:19 PM |  

sunday nights are the worst...i never feel sleepy, but i know i have to get up and go to work tomorrow morning...*sigh*... posted at 12:59 AM |  

didn't do much this weekend...went shopping, but still couldn't find any jeans that fit. it's kind of depressing to gain a lot of weight in a short amount of time. i think what's happening is that i'm sitting on my ass all day at work so all the fat is accumulating there. i don't know if that's how it works, but that's my theory.

anyway. had a lot of weird dreams the past few days. they just had the most random people popping up in them...people i haven't seen or spoken to in years, people that i didn't really know well at all...sean was in most of them too. and the graphic designer's dog was in one. (he brings it to work and it roams around the office) kinda bizarre. in one i was in a hotel room in paris and had a really nice view. i didn't want to wake up from that one...so much nicer than real life... posted at 11:00 PM |  

indigo didn't even say bye to me when she left today...i thought it was a little rude. i just assumed she'd come over to say something to me before i left...you know, check and make sure that i didn't have any last questions for her, that i knew what i was supposed to do...and well, just say bye and wish me luck or something. alright, well maybe she didn't see the point in doing it now because there's some sort of goodbye party planned for her next month (which no one has told me about, but i'm sure it's in the works).

whatever. i'll get over it.

i'm ready to crash now. need a nap. posted at 7:06 PM |  

haven't done the friday five in a while...so here's this week's:

1. Where were you born? san francisco, ca.

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not? hmm, well i don't live right in san francisco anymore, but most people consider the whole bay area as one 'place', so um, i'll just answer both i guess. there are some other cities it might be cool to live in for a little while, but i definitely want to come back to the bay area because i do love it here. (except for the traffic and general lack of parking) some other places i might consider are san diego, seattle...possibly some big cities on the east coast or chicago (ugh, too cold though). i don't know. i really think the bay area is hard to beat.

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest? i can't think of any place where i really feel safe...kinda sad, isn't it?

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled? yeah, i guess. but i want to travel a lot more.

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been? that's a tough one too...different places are interesting in their own ways. i think i liked prague best, just enjoyed walking around there for no reason in particular. india's interesting too, but in a totally different way. and berkeley's interesting of course : ) posted at 12:41 AM |  

my boss looked over the newest lesson today (the one i did a lot of work on), and he loved it. he was really excited about it actually. i'm glad, but...he really doesn't know how much of it was done by me. it's such a frustrating position. everytime he says he likes something, i want to yell out "i did that part!", just to claim some sort of credit for it, i don't know...

we looked over a slightly older lesson that indigo did too, and he had a problem with one part, and i agreed with him but couldn't say anything because indigo was upset and started explaining to him that fixing it would be a lot of work...i don't know. when i looked at it on tuesday, i basically told her the same thing as he did, but she didn't want to change it...so when we were sitting there today, i was really frustrated. no one asked for my opinion, and indigo was being stubborn about it, so eventually my boss just gave in and let her keep it that way. i got so irritated though...really have a hard time sitting there, wanting to say something, but not being able to. the next month will be interesting...indigo's last day is tomorrow, and the new girl's only coming in once a week, so i will be the only designer around. oh, but i'm still an intern. posted at 11:35 PM |  

my boss's wife came by the office this morning and he introduced me to her and said that i was "brilliant". went on for a bit about how brilliant i was. i was flattered, but sometimes i wonder how he gets these opinions of me. he hasn't really seen any of my work (well, he has, but he doesn't know that i was the one who did it), and he hasn't really asked for my opinions on things...so i don't feel like i've had the opportunity to impress him. it's hard for me to tell if he really means what he says, you know? anyway, i'm just trying to stay on his good side because who knows how long it'll take me to find another job... posted at 12:39 AM |  

my headache won't go away...

been so moody since i got home. i'm just a complete mess emotionally. and why is it so cold today? i turned on the heater and curled up in bed around 9, but then all i could think about was how much i wished sean was there with me - hate to admit it, but that's really all i wanted.

i think my laptop's battery died. as in, it's not recharging. only works when it's plugged in now. and it's very, very hot. is that normal? do i just need to buy a new battery or something? i'm so confused. and all this may have been avoided if i hadn't given it to this guy to figure out what was wrong with my ethernet card. (ever since he gave it back to me, the battery's been messed up...and he didn't even get my ethernet working!!)

*break to watch dave matthews band on letterman*

ok, i'm back. i like that song. and it was cool on the roof of the building. but anyway. i don't remember what else i was going to say. i'm tired. i'm going to bed now. posted at 12:31 AM |  

i think my laptop is seriously jacked up. like, i probably shouldn't be using it right now because it's practically setting my lap on fire. but i've got a headache and i'm just depressed about a lot of things and maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if this computer exploded into pieces right now. who knows?

i hate it when my boss keeps telling me he wants me to stay after my internship. i never know how to respond. and in addition, i feel a little insulted. because i know that my responsibilities won't be any different from what they are now. so i basically feel that they should just increase my salary starting august 1 instead of nov. 1. why the fuck should i keep working here for such little money for the next 3 months? the new designer just started today - but actually she is only going to come in for 10 hours a week for the next month. and she basically has no design experience, so i will be training her - and yes, she probably makes a hell of a lot more than i do. it's stupid. really stupid!! like i said, i'm just insulted that she gets to go to the meetings with the advisory board next month, and i don't because i'm still an "intern". fucking ridiculous. i feel insulted whenever i don't get invited to join in meetings, and whenever they tell the new person about stuff that they want to talk to her about that they haven't spoken to me about, and whenever people don't trust my opinions. oh, and today we were supposed to review the lesson we just finished, but indigo was out sick, and i could have totally stood in for her and explained everything to them, but nooooooo...i'm just an intern. nevermind the fact that i did about 70% of this current lesson and helped indigo a lot with her 30%.

i'm sorry, i'm just very frustrated right now and i don't know what to do. i want to be taken more seriously. i want them to actually look at my work and know that i did it. i seriously don't think they know how much work i have done...and how much more i could do if given the opportunity...and how good i would be at it.

i could go on and on, but my headache is just getting worse and worse.

*sigh*

alright, i need to eat something and take an aspirin.

computer gods, please make sure that nothing terrible happens to my laptop...i'm sorry for fucking it up, really i am. posted at 7:55 PM |  

i need to go to bed, i'm just so depressed about my computer...like, what the hell am i supposed to do? this is supposed to be so easy...yeah, right! it's been nothing but a pain in the ass...and i really don't want to get windows XP just for this - because that will probably lead to whole other set of problems...

and so now i'm sitting here at 1:15, too pissed off to go to sleep, and i have to go to work tomorrow : (

life sucks. posted at 1:17 AM |  

i hate computers!!!!! uuuuggghhhh!!!!!!!!! i still can't get my damn ethernet card to work. i don't even know whether the problem is with the card, my computer, or at&t!! tech support isn't helping either. they all keep blaming each other. "sorry, we can't help you because the problem is with your computer - contact them instead" - "sorry we can't help you because the problem is with the ethernet card - contact them instead". god damnit. someone help me!!!!!!!!! posted at 12:59 AM |  

was planning on going to sleep right after the counting crows performed on conan, but now carson's on with dave matthews band...i think i'll stay up a while longer : )

i'm so glad i can sleep in tomorrow. posted at 1:39 AM |  

i'm so damn exhausted...but it's a friday night so i don't want to go to bed so early...been wanting to take a nap since like 8 though...i'm getting old.

i went out to dinner with a friend who's getting married in october...she's already pretty nuts/stressed due to all the preparations...she's having a full-blown traditional indian wedding, with all the ceremonies and rituals and stuff...she's actually going to india for a week, just to buy her wedding clothes. insane.

anyway, so the majority of the conversation tonight revolved around her fiance and the wedding. i don't mind, i think she needed a release. but...i guess i just get sad sometimes that i can't relate to any of it, you know? suddenly the age gap between us seems to be 5 years instead of 1...before i know it, all my friends are going to be having babies and i'll probably still be in the same boat i'm in now. every now and then i catch myself thinking fuck it, i should just go on some indian matrimonial site and put an ad out now. i won't, but sometimes i get to thinking maybe it isn't such a bad idea after all...

back to reality though. what i'd really like is if my friends would actually go out with me to places where i can meet other people. the friends i was out with tonight were both party poopers. seriously. i get so excited when i have people to go out with, but then it ends up being just dinner and nothing else. it was nice, i'm not complaining, but...sometimes i'm just like damnit, i want to go to a bar and get drunk tonight. why do i have no one to do that with anymore? posted at 12:28 AM |  

i wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow...so tired... posted at 12:03 AM |  

cool - tom hanks just plugged skyline on leno!!...i kinda want to see the new auditorium...i almost feel like i should have donated money so that i could have gone to the big opening and seen tom hanks in person. i just assumed he'd be sitting somewhere up front and i'd be sitting way in the back up in the second deck, but now that i think about it, it would have been fun...i'm so jealous that he spoke at milly's graduation...*arrrggh*...and i was at home asleep when i could have totally gone to it, and would have had i known he was going to be there!!

anyway, i just think it's great that he talks about skyline the way he does...he even mentioned that the trees got bigger!! that's so funny...i can't picture skyline ever having small trees...i wish he would talk about some of his old teachers that i had...the ones he has mentioned left way before my time...but anyway, i just think it's cool that he gives back to where he started out, you know? posted at 12:19 AM |  

i'm so exhausted today...didn't sleep too well last night...had some sort of emotional breakdown or something, i don't know. i was fine, then all of a sudden at like 2 AM i burst into tears thinking about how much i want to move...sometimes i just feel like i'm stuck here. i don't even know how to explain it...

(just attempted to explain it 3 times but nothing i wrote really made any sense)

anyway. indigo was sick and it turns out contagious, so i have to do all her work by myself. normally i wouldn't mind, but indigo started this lesson on her own, and it's basically the complete opposite of how i would have taught this particular thing, so it's hard for me to go in and finish up what she started, you know?

although i hate being sick, this twisted little part of me is hoping that i caught whatever she has so i can miss a few days of work. is that totally wrong of me?

*sigh*...work is just that bad sometimes... posted at 10:57 PM |  

you know, i purposely chose a doctor near my office so that it would be easy for me to go there from work. but...apparently she moved her practice to freakin oakland!!! kinda inconvenient...damn it, and i really need to go now. can i switch providers easily or do i have to fill out more paperwork if i do that? i guess i'm just being silly and i should try to go in the morning before work...i'm just annoyed that she moved. posted at 12:02 AM |  

i feel so disappointed when i can't get a hold of sean. i don't know what it is...i just wanted to call him tonight because it's his birthday and i haven't talked to him in a long time...but then when i called and he didn't answer, i got so sad...left a message, but he didn't call back. didn't really expect him to, but still...i guess i was hoping he would.

i wish i didn't feel this way. it's really not the fact that i couldn't talk to him today in particular, it's that...well, we used to talk so often, and now it's very rare...i guess it hurts me a little, that he doesn't really feel the need anymore or he doesn't really miss me anymore. *sigh*

oh well.

mostly i just hate feeling needy. and i hate giving him the impression that i am needy. i don't consider myself to be a needy person, but sometimes when i'm lonely and that certain time of the month comes around...can't help it! posted at 11:09 PM |  

happy birthday milly!!

happy birthday sean!!

and happy birthday tom hanks, even though i don't know you...(just watching him on letterman) posted at 12:01 AM |  

i'm really tired today. long story involving me marching upstairs at 2 AM ready to yell at some neighbors. but their music was so loud they didn't hear me knocking...so then i got the broomstick and banged on the ceiling several times. that seemed to do the trick. but then my heart started pounding and i got all paranoid again. yes, i know i need to call the doctor. i just got a new one when i started working, but she seems to want us to schedule appointments over email according to the message on her machine...i can't remember her damn website right now. i'm exhausted...need to lie down... posted at 11:57 PM |  

i had such a hard time falling asleep last night because i kept getting all paranoid about my heart...is is beating faster than normal? why does it seem to be beating so hard? why can't i make it slow down?...which of course prevented me from relaxing...i swear, i'm probably just making it worse by worrying so much about it.

anyway...i finally installed my ethernet card only to discover that it still doesn't work. tech support said there's probably something wrong with the card and that i should just take it back to the store and exchange it. so annoying...

my aunt left for NY...she was a wreck...burst into tears after i gave her a hug...she can be way too emotional sometimes...i can't explain, she was just overdoing everything. stressing herself out a lot more than necessary. i realize this is a big step for her to make since she's been living here for so long, but it's not like she's going to be alone in new york. she's going there to be closer to my grandma and my aunt...and we have plenty of other relatives there too...no reason to be scared or nervous. she kept saying she wasn't, but then why all the stress? why all the crying and shit? i wish she would learn how to relax and stay calm, rather than being so overly dramatic all the time...

alright, i better go to bed. have a 10 o'clock meeting tomorrow, so i should be at work before then...(look at me complaining about having to be in by 10. some other people have to start work at 8...i should be thankful...) posted at 12:37 AM |  

my heart's bothering me a little and i'm a little worried...it feels like it skips a beat every now and then. i know it's normal for that to happen once in a while, but it's happened several times today and yesterday...and i have also had a little bit of chest pain and dizzyness. from what i read, all this can be due to anxiety or stress, and well, i think i'm feeling anxiety and stress over why my heart is doing these things, which is maybe in turn causing it to happen more??? i don't know. i should make a doctor's appointment if it continues tomorrow and monday... posted at 12:29 AM |  

i ate waaaaay too much tonight. feel sick now : ( posted at 10:51 PM |  

just cleaned the fuck out of the kitchen. it was seriously disgustingly dirty. has been since i moved in, but i've been avoiding it because i just didn't know where to start. it looked like it hadn't been cleaned in 2 years! (probably because it hasn't been). so...yeah, i just needed to do it when seema wasn't around because i have a bad temper when it comes to cleaning up after other people and i didn't want to say anything to her...though i do think i'll ask her to buy new stove thingies because they are beyond the point where they can be cleaned...i don't know how people live like that. trust me, i'm no neat freak. my apartment in michigan got pretty bad sometimes. but nothing compared to this...seema cooked chicken the other day, and then baked cookies, and still didn't clean the counters...i just think it's gross to not spray some sort of disinfectant after doing anything with raw chicken...she has also done things like spilling coffee on the counters, spaghetti sauce on the floor, etc. and not cleaned those up either. and that just annoys me because those are things that are a lot easier to just wipe up right when they happen then to try to do it after they dry up and the stain sets in...*sigh*...i can't take it. i wish i didn't bitch so much about roommates - i really don't have many problems with living with seema, it's more a matter of her ex-roommates leaving the place looking like shit after i had left it so clean 2 years ago...pisses me off when i think about it...

anyway...i'm going to slowly get this place clean again...need to get rid of all the cobwebs and the inch-think layer of dust that has accumulated near the base of the walls around the whole apartment. also need to clean out the freezer. and empty out all the kitchen cabinets. and the hallway closet, which has been filled with junk. and i probably need to sweep the balcony. stuff like that. sounds like fun, doesn't it?

ok, i just needed to get all that out of my system. i really don't like complaining about stuff like this and i know i do it a lot, but it's just very frustrating for me to deal with. posted at 2:40 PM |  

i'm so tired. just spent 2 and a half hours on the phone with nisha helping her with her med school application. my ear is actually sore. the things i do for my relatives... posted at 2:48 AM |  

4 days of no work!! yay!! i'm excited....though i'll have to spend a good part of it helping my aunt pack. i find it hard to believe she's leaving sometimes...she's been living with us since i was about 9...i guess i kinda depend on her when my mom's being weird or moody or whatever...

anyway...amy met me after work and we went to dinner, a cafe, and a movie. just like old times...it was nice. i wish i had more people to do that with. been feeling so lonely lately. not that i'm really doing anything about it...amy kinda made me feel a little bad about that...about not being in touch with some other college friends. but like...i don't think she really understands. she's still really close to a lot of her high school and college friends, but i guess i don't have too many strong bonds like that...i don't know. she asked me how my ex-roommates were doing (she lived next door to them before they moved in with me). and the fact is, i haven't spoken to them in over a year. might have emailed a little, but i have no idea what's going on with them. does that make me a bad friend? i guess. i just don't really feel like i was ever close friends with them. we hung out because we had a lot of classes together and we lived together, but i didn't feel like we were that tight in a personal way. don't feel like they really knew me all that well.

amy basically thought i was weird for not being in touch with college friends in general though. that something was wrong with me, i don't know. oh, and she actually complained that i only sent her 2 emails the whole time i was in michigan. first of all, i know i didn't email her all that much, but i'm sure i sent more than 2. the thing that pissed me off was that if i hadn't sent her any email, she wouldn't have sent me any either! that's kinda why i didn't email her so much...felt like if she wasn't going to make an effort to stay in touch, then why should i? i remember in the beginning of my first semester in michigan, i was feeling very overwhelmed with school and stuff and tried talking to her about it, but she wasn't really there for me. she just said that i was exaggerating and i'd be fine, and then i felt like she was trying to get rid of me...that she had more important stuff to do. we never really talked after that. she never emailed me unless it was in reply to an email i sent her. she never got in touch with me when i came home. she didn't even remember my birthday, which is weird because she's a total birthday person...i'd understand if she had a flakey personality, but she doesn't. anyway...so in short, i got a little upset when she basically accused me of being a bad friend for not keeping in touch with her enough. (not so much that it spoiled my night or anything, it was out of my mind a minute later.)

anyway...aside from that, it was fun. i don't hold anything against her, i just don't think she understands some things about me... posted at 11:56 PM |  

i'm getting so tired of work. the same stuff every single day...so boring...and they still haven't hired a new designer to take indigo's place! i wish they would hurry up and find someone. i mean, she's leaving in a couple weeks, and i don't want to have to train the new person...i don't quite feel that i've picked everything up yet...

i'm so happy this is a short week... posted at 12:26 AM |  

i don't have anything to say, i just don't feel like going to bed. feel like i have shit on my mind, but i don't know exactly what. probably some combination of stuff...

i know my job could be worse. but...i'm really not feeling motivated there at all. want to quit. now.

my aunt got a job in new york, and i'm happy for her, but...she's going to leave my mom all alone here. i think she would have stayed here if i had asked her to (she was offered a job in sf as well) but i know how much she wants to be closer to my grandma, and i also know how she can't take my mom's shit any more. but i really think my mom's depression is going to get worse when she's all alone.

other than that stuff, i guess i just feel like a loser right now. i don't know why. something to do with hanging out with my cousin and her friends too much because i don't really have anything better to do. or listening to her get phone call after phone call...i'm so jealous...i want the phone to ring for me more!! yes, i realize i can pick it up and call people. and i have tried that. but then i just feel awkward because i have like nothing in common with some people anymore and i don't really know what to say to them.

anyway...i gotta go to bed now...it's always torture getting up in the morning... posted at 12:41 AM |  

so i watched 5 episodes of sex and the city tonight. trying to convince myself it's nice to be single. but...uh, it's nice to be single if you have a bunch of friends to hang out with and go out and have fun with...and i certainly don't have that, so...instead of cheering me up, it made me more depressed : (

so much for that.

work sucked today. indigo found a "problem" with one of the lessons i did. apparently i left something out. but the thing is, i was following her outline to the tee because she doesn't seem to like it when i insert stuff. so, it's really her fault for not putting it in the outline, not mine. and it's really silly too, because she should be adding something similar to one of the lessons she did, but she's not. she said she's going to do it 2 lessons later. which does't make any sense in my opinion. (i won't bore you with the math details behind why it doesn't make sense, just trust me.)

and...i still can't get my ethernet card installed. someone brought over a windows 98 cd, but it didn't work. computers piss me off so much. posted at 11:53 PM |  

i found out that a high school friend of mine is engaged. it's really getting to be too much for me to handle. i mean, i'm happy for all these people who have suddenly gotten engaged, (and even those who are not technically engaged, but close enough), but like...it's not anywhere in sight for me, you know? and that's kinda depressing. i worry i'll end up an old maid, like most of the women in my mom's family...we joked around that it's a curse...my mom's divorced, her three sisters never married, one female cousin got divorced, and another is over thirty and still looking (pretty desperately i might add). there's only one female first cousin who is married, though it's only been 2 years so far and i'm not sure how long that will last. so...yeah, lots of unmarried women, most of whom are over 40 and really bitter about love and what not...i don't want to turn into one of them...but sometimes i feel like i already have...or like it's my destiny to be alone...

ok, ok, i'm 24...got a ways to go before old-maid status. and who knows, i could meet someone tomorrow. but i'm just not very optimistic about this stuff anymore. and in my culture if you're 25 and unmarried, it's not a good sign. after 30 most people give up on you completely. sad, ain't it? posted at 1:21 AM |  

just spent the longest time attempting to install an ethernet card for my laptop, and then when i finally get the installer working, it tells me i need my windows 98 cd!!! of course, have no idea where my windows 98 cd is...so yet another day of using this slow dial-up connection...*sigh*...why do computers have to be so unnecessarily confusing and weird sometimes?

it just pisses me off that i seem to have every other CD my computer came with, just not the windows 98 one...assuming it did come with one...it should have come with one, right? with my luck, it's probably back in michigan stuck behind my dresser or something...i think some of my CD's are still in a box somewhere at home. might be mixed up in there. i don' t know. posted at 1:04 AM |