it's 7 already?? i only applied to 2 places...was hoping for a lot more than that, but it's better than nothing. i hate it when some places don't list a general hr email address where i can send my resume...they just have specific jobs to apply for, but none of those jobs really fit me, so i guess i have to keep checking back on a regular basis to see if anything new opened up...this last place i applied to had a long-ass application to fill out, so that took me a while...

anyway...i'm hungry now. break time. posted at 7:00 PM |  

it took me such a long time just to send out one resume...wanted to make sure everything was perfect...the cover letter took me forever, and i had to edit my resume a little...i *really* hope i get something at this place, it sounds really interesting. it's a pretty big research organization, so hopefully there's something i might be able to do for them...

alright, time to look for more jobs... posted at 5:45 PM |  

you ever hear a song and it takes you back to a certain time in your life...you start thinking about how that song used to make you feel...picture yourself a few years ago, when that song had special meaning for you...and it still does, kind of...but it's weird, because it's so far removed from your life right now...*sigh*...i don't know what i'm trying to say. just heard this song and it made me want to go back in time, you know? made me wonder where those feelings went...and wish i could get them back somehow... posted at 4:22 PM |  

it's so nice to be in bed right now, rather than at work. i miss this...makes me want to go back to school, because i got more days to relax like this... posted at 1:08 PM |  

i'm thinking about calling in sick tomorrow...and possibly tuesday also. don't know if i actually will...i think i'll have a guilty conscience. we have to get a lesson finished up this week, and so...i don't know, there's a chance i'll have actual work to do...but then again, maybe i won't, i don't know...do i even care?...*sigh*...i wish i didn't feel so guilty about it, then it would be easy for me to call in sick whenever i didn't feel like going.

anyway, this whole idea popped into my head because my uncle just called and asked if i wanted to go to the A's game on tuesday or wednesday...but the games are at 1 in the afternoon, so i told him i couldn't go because i had to go to work. but then he was like, that's not a problem, just call in sick. so that got me thinking...hmm...maybe i should call in sick. but i don't want to go in on monday and wednesday feeling fine and say that i was sick on tuesday...so i should call in sick on monday and tuesday...you know, so it would seem more authentic.

but yeah, i feel guilty just *thinking* about doing something like that...especially because we have stuff to get done this week...

maybe just monday though. i don't need to go to the A's game...i mean, game 1 of the playoffs isn't terribly exciting (and part of me is worried that i'll run into my boss there, though i know the chances of that happening are really small). skipping out one day isn't as bad as skipping out 2 days. so i'd only have half as much guilt. this is sounding better and better...i'm thinking of all the things i could get done...yeah, i'll probably just end up sleeping in and watching tv all day (all my children! general hospital!), but still, i could look for jobs while i'm doing that. and i could clean my apartment. that's probably more productive than i would be if i went to work anyway.

ok, i think i'm gonna do it. not sure about tuesday, but taking one day off doesn't seem so bad...besides, i sort of need it for my mental health. posted at 1:19 AM |  

cal lost again : (

the game was fun until about 4 minutes left, when boller threw an idiotic interception. *sigh*...really, really horrible decision with the game on the line...depressing end. it sucks to lose... posted at 6:54 PM |  

i'm back. feel much more comfortable now...

anyway...so for some reason, i didn't get the actual invitations to my friend's bridal shower and wedding. i know i'm invitied, but still...it would have been nice to get the actual invitations, you know with the time, location, driving directions, etc...apparently she's registered for her bridal shower gifts too. is that normal? i always thought bridal showers involved more personal gifts, not stuff that the bride would pick out ahead of time...just stuff that her friends bought for her...this whole wedding is so weird. i hate to be complaining...i've known her forever, but honestly, i feel like we've lost touch a lot over the past 5 years...just aren't as close as we used to be. feel like we don't really have much in common anymore. we hardly ever talk or email, let alone see each other...so...i don't know, i'm just not as excited about this as i imagined i would be when we were little kids... posted at 1:53 AM |  

i just put on my new glasses for the first time. new glasses are always hard for me to get used to. especially since i wear contacts most of the time. anyway, i always feel like my glasses are on crooked. (probably because they are) since i just got these, i assumed they'd be straight for a while, but i don't know...i feel like they're crooked already. i didn't go get a proper fitting for them...should have...i intended to actually, but my dad went to the optometrist (we go to the same one) and so he just picked them up for me. i don't know how to adjust them properly. i feel like everything i do just makes them fit worse. and these frames aren't as bend-able as my last ones...

i'm sure this is all very fascinating.

*sigh*

i'm really exhausted, but i don't feel like going to bed. it's a friday night...just want to babble...there were so many things i needed to do this week, but it just passed by so quickly. between work and helping my cousin with her essays, i feel like i didn't get any time for me. i keep meaning to send my resume out to some places, but i haven't. i keep meaning to pick up the roommate search, post some ads...but i haven't. i want to clean my apartment. i want to take care of some errands, pay some bills, shop for a wedding gift...i want to go to a movie! a few movies! it's been a while...

i sent out an email to this educational organization, asking if there were any job openings, but the reply was so weird. it didn't make any sense. it seems like the email was sent before the person had finished writing the sentence or something...so odd...i had high hopes about this place, but apparently the website hasn't been updated in 2 years, so i'm not even sure if those projects still exist...it's frustrating. don't mean to sound like a broken record, but i really want to quit my job. it's making me miserable.

i think i need to switch back to my old glasses before i get a headache... posted at 1:33 AM |  

just realized i haven't done the friday five in a long time...here's today's:

1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind? hmm...i like to sleep. i like to take a long, hot shower and wash my hair. i like to veg out in front of the tv. i like to talk to sean. and...i like to blog of course! blogging really helps me relax, especially when i'm able to get everything out of my system.(note: these are things i like to do when i'm really exhausted and/or stressed. not stuff i do 'for fun' in my spare time. could interpret the question in a different way...)

2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands? get a glass of water, and change into something comfy if i'm not going out.

3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells? i don't know anything about aromatherapy, but i love the smell of cinnamon...

4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself? not quite sure how to answer this. my initial thought was by myself, because when i'm around people, i tend to get more energized, rather than relaxed. but on the other hand, when i'm with people, it takes my mind off of whatever's bothering me, so in that sense it relaxes me...

5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't? ok, i don't do this anymore, but i know people will find this weird: doing math. yup, that's right. from elementary school up through my first couple years in college, doing math homework was very relaxing for me. i know, i'm a weirdo. these days...hmm...sometimes cleaning is relaxing. posted at 7:41 PM |  

so i got into an argument with the bitch at work this morning...and i guess this time it really hit me that other people in the office know that we don't get along at all...one girl interrupted us to say that the reason we fight so much is because we're always cutting each other off. i know i get mad as hell when she cuts me off while i'm talking. and i suppose in retaliation, i do the same to her when she's talking - er, yelling - at me. we got pretty loud today. i hated it. not a good way to start off the day. sucks that i have to go back tomorrow...

damnit, the upstairs people started blasting music again. do they purposely turn it up when they know i'm about to go to sleep? it's so irritating...i keep saying i'll complain to one of the building manager people...but i've been lazy, and tired, and busy...

i need to go to bed. i really haven't gotten much sleep this week. didn't fall asleep until 2:30 last night (thanks to the guy upstairs stomping around). woke up several times in the middle of the night (bad dreams). then i had to get up a little early this morning to wash my hair...i have a feeling i'm going to sleep in until noon on saturday. posted at 1:09 AM |  

just realized that my comments had stopped working because i didn't upgrade. i actually had no idea that i was supposed to upgrade...but hopefully it's working now. posted at 12:34 AM |  

the people who live upstairs are SO annoying. why are they always running around the apartment and yelling??? the guy whose room is right above mine likes to put on some music late at night...usually, when i'm about to go to sleep (say around 1 AM or so), i bang on the ceiling a bit and he turns it off. but last night...well, i tried banging on the ceiling a few times around 1:30 or so...but he didn't do anything...i waited until about 1:40 or 1:45, then banged like 5 times. and you know what he did? he stomped his foot really hard 5 times! asshole. he turned it off, but still...there was no reason for him to do that. posted at 12:22 AM |  

the meeting wasn't too bad...i got upset about a few things, but none of the extreme anger and pain that i've had in the past...i didn't blow up at anyone...i did sit there pouting sometimes, probably over-exaggerating a bit to show my unhappiness, but overall i came out of the meeting feeling much better than i expected to. (not enough to make me want to continue working here, but enough to make it through the week) posted at 9:30 PM |  

i'm really dreading the fact that i have to go to work tomorrow...i have a feeling it's going to be torture, stuck in a room with my boss, the bitch, and the bs-er peter. all ganging up on me. what i really hate most is when people cut me off when i'm in the middle of trying to explain something to them. can't stand it. i was ok for most of today because i was just doing Q/A stuff...didn't have to argue with anyone...just sat there relaxed, looking for bugs, content that i had made it through the day without wanting to explode. but then about 6:15 this evening i overheard the bitch saying something to someone about clashing with me tomorrow. and she was talking about how she knew exactly what she needed to do for the next lesson but that i was sort of in the way. that, of course, got me boiling up inside, so i left soon afterwards...

i'm going to try my best to just shut up and not argue tomorrow. i won't be happy, and i won't pretend to be happy. but i can't take all the shit that comes along with trying to stand up for what i think is best, and i certainly can't take her telling other people in the office that i am the difficult one. so, i'll show them just how easy i can be tomorrow. that's my goal anyway. who knows how things will actually turn out... posted at 11:17 PM |  

the essay wasn't too bad...didn't take as long as i feared it would. she still has a few more to do though...when will it end?!?!

anyway...my job really shouldn't be as depressing as it is. it shouldn't make me cry. it shouldn't make me angry. maybe i take things too personally? maybe i should just not give a shit about the end-product, and just do whatever they tell me to do without voicing my opinions or trying to explain why i did things the way i did? maybe i should ignore the bitch and try not to sink down to her level? it's so hard though...i have to drag myself out of bed every morning and force myself to go...then i have to sit there all day trying not to let things get to me...then by the time i leave, i've had to hold in so much crap that i feel like exploding. come back home and sit here as my eyes tear up, wishing i didn't have to go back there - ever. it's just not right!!! why am i so miserable?

i thought my boss liked me, but i got really frustrated with him today and i'm sure he could tell that i was upset. at least he occasionally asks me for my opinion though - no one else in the office does. fucking irritating. like i don't even exist. i hate it when people treat me like i don't know what i'm doing. no one else i've worked for in the past 5 years has treated me this way...

anyway...i'm sure i'll have more to vent about later this week since we're having another meeting on wednesday... posted at 12:41 AM |  

i got so pissed off at work today. uuugggghhhh!!!!!!!! i already vented to two people about it, so i'll spare my blog-readers.

i've had a headache since this afternoon, and it's not going away. and now i have to work on my cousin's essays...she sent me another one today and it's pretty bad too. i know she needs to get them out asap, but...my head hurts and my eyes are tired...i just want to go to bed.... posted at 9:00 PM |  

i should go to sleep soon but i don't feel like it...i'm tired and all, but...don't know, too much shit on my mind. nothing i can really put into words though.

my cousin called and apologized, so i'm not pissed anymore. i wasn't necessarily pissed to begin with, but i wasn't happy either. i knew she didn't do it on purpose though, and she said she felt really bad about it. so that helps, you know?

i got email from nick today...well, technically i had emailed him a couple weeks ago to say hi because i hadn't written him in months, so he was responding to that...anyway, he's here in the bay area doing research at stanford, not back at princeton where i expected him to be. so now it's all weird and awkward, because i feel like i should hang out with him since he's here, but it would just be so...weird...(i realize no one knows what the hell i'm talking about, just trust me, it's weird.) i mean, i'm hesitant to even write him back now because...what do i say? oh you're here in the bay area, um...great? hope you're having a good time here? now that i think about it, he's probably been here all summer and hasn't contacted me because he felt weird about it. i hate it when friendships turn into this awkward...don't know what to call it anymore...it's just sad because he's a cool guy and i completely enjoyed his company (when we were just friends)...and i was even ok ignoring the fact that he was interested in me in other ways, pretending like i didn't know...but then he totally ruined it! so now we're not even friends anymore, and it sucks.

that's about all i have to say about that.

damnit, i gotta go to work tomorrow! i so look forward to the day when i will actually have a job that i enjoy...i hope that isn't an unreasonable expectation to have... posted at 12:55 AM |  

i am so sick of working on my cousin's essays. i don't mean this in a bad way, but it's like she doesn't even try anymore...some of the stuff sounds like shit and i'm sure she knows it. i know she's busy and has 10 million of these to do, but i wish she would spend a little more time fixing them up before she sends them to me. or she should come over here more often and sit with me as she's writing them. that way i wouldn't need to re-write the whole thing for her the next day.

anyway...is it just me or are the emmy's really boring this year? maybe they're boring every year, i don't know. i think i had high expectations for conan...he's funny, but not as much as i thought he would be. and...i don't know. did they even give out any of the main awards yet? was anyone dressed really nice? i'm not really paying attention at all... posted at 10:25 PM |  

i'm bored. why can't i find anyone to do anything with? posted at 7:12 PM |  

cal lost : (

we dropped like 20 million passes and also had a field goal blocked. lost by 2. depressing game...

i had a bad feeling about this game all week...whenever we get ranked, we lose the next game! so annoying.

but anyway...my cousin slept over last night...we were working on her essays until about 4:30 AM...nuts, i know. not exactly what i want to be doing on a friday night, but...i don't know, it was fun in a way. we goofed off a lot, took some breaks for girl-talk...laughed about how pathetic we are...it cheered me up. posted at 5:58 PM |  

i have a lot of stuff that i've wanted to blog about, but i've just been so completely exhausted this week...and i'm about ready to crash tonight too.

blah.

i'm so...i don't know. just have so much on my mind and i'm so frustrated with my life right now...i just want a fresh start so bad. i want a new job, a new city, a new apartment, new friends, new...i don't know...just a new me.

and why are the upstairs neighbors blasting 80's music?

and why is it so hot?

and why is the girl at work such a bitch?

and why can't sean talk to me for more than 2 minutes?

and why can't my cousin write her own essays?

and why can't my dad stop making me feel like something's wrong with me?

and why can't i control myself?

why, damnit??? posted at 11:45 PM |  

hardly anyone said that they'd go to my friend's bachelorette party, so now they changed the package to a $45 one. but i'm still unsure about this...there's no limo anymore, and no free shots, and we aren't going to the clubs that we were going to go to earlier. so...what the hell are we paying for? i don't get it. just asia sf? i've been there before, and it's ok, but it's not worth $45. the drinks weren't that good, and neither was the entertainment. and apparently there is some stupid dare game that we have to play - sorry, i don't want to do that. this is just getting lamer and lamer. i'm still waiting to see if other people go before i decide. the girl who's organizing this is nuts, and i think she's the only person who will actually enjoy whatever she's planned...

it's just irritating because i want to go, in theory. i just wish they would plan something cool instead of this asia sf crap...i really don't even think the bride-to-be will have fun, and that's the part that sucks most. posted at 9:54 PM |  

shit, i'm so tired. have i been saying this a lot lately? still working on my cousin's essays. i told her i needed a little break, gonna go take a shower to wake up a little... posted at 12:04 AM |  

i'm so tired. so, so tired. was trying to help my cousin out with an essay and my brain was just not working at all tonight...i gotta go to sleep. posted at 1:16 AM |  

shit, why does it always get late so quickly? i gotta be at work by 10 tomorrow, preferably a little earlier. i have actual work to do for a change. well, not my work, some of the other girl's work that she not good at (writing) gets dumped onto me. oh, and she made this great comment today about how she's not used to working with people and how she likes everything to be done her way. she told this to our supervisor, who had just told us how good it'll be when we'll start working on the next lesson together. she said it'll be a learning experience for her and that it would take a while for her to get used to doing that. i do not get a good feeling about this at all...i've been trying my best to get along with her since the last blow-up she had, and it's been ok, though she doesn't seem to like it sometimes when i complain about her writing. she should realize how much i am saving her butt, because if there's one thing my boss hates, it's bad writing.

anyway.

i think my cousin is having a panic attack regarding all her applications. she called me a little while ago, totally freaking out...it's hard work, harder than i can imagine seeing as how i only applied to 5-6 places and basically recycled the same essay for all of them. she hasn't been able to reuse any of her essays so far, which has got to be frustrating. really, you have to be a pretty good writer in order to crank out so many of them in such a short period of time. i'm doing the best i can to help her, but i can only do so much...

*sigh*

only one person showed up to look at the apartment today. she seemed ok. a little on the serious side, but she was indian, and based on past experiences, i tend to get along better with indian roommates...i thought she was nice overall, and if she decides she wants to live here, it'll be fine with me. she was pretty direct and easy to talk to. not necessarily the type i would stay up late goofing around with, but i can't get everything....

the only potential problem is that she has to get to work reeeeaaaaly early in the mornings, and i am so NOT a morning person. i'm a very light sleeper, and i get cranky whenever i am woken up before my wake-up time. get headaches and stuff. it's the worst feeling in the world for me, when i am lying in bed with a headache, trying to fall back asleep and get that one precious last hour...we'll see how it goes, IF she decides she wants to stay here...

alrighty, i need to get myself to bed. posted at 12:56 AM |  

i should really go to bed soon...gotta go to work tomorrow : (

life shouldn't be this depressing.

i did a lot of cleaning today...have some people coming to look at the apartment tomorrow. one of them seems really cool, so i hope she likes the place...i just hope she cleans up after herself a little better than my cousin and her ex-roommates did...i am so sick of cleaning up all their crap. there is just so much junk in this apartment and none of it's mine so it's driving me nuts.

anyway. i would have been in bed an hour ago but i had to help my cousin with some of her application essays. i had been avoiding it all weekend...i really don't mind helping her, but it's starting to feel like she's not trying hard enough because she knows that i will fix things up. (hey - i think that's how my boss feels. i probably have more in common with him than i care to admit!) i was hoping that she would have worked on it a little more before sending it to me...i mean, each new essay is being sent to me in worse shape...bad sentences, totally unorganized...i just think she could spent some time trying to rephrase the few sentences that are obviously really bad. i mean, my job should be to improve what she writes, not to write it for her, you know? it's frustrating...and well, sometimes i wonder if the schools would really admit her if they knew how bad a writer she was...but i'm sure most people get "help" with their essays, so...whatever...she's smart, just not a good writer. at all. anyway...i just hope after some point, she'll be able to re-use some of the ones we've already written. i'm getting too tired/busy to spend so much time working on this...i need some time to just sit in bed and read for personal pleasure instead... posted at 1:36 AM |  

how about them golden bears?!?!?

ok, i know none of my readers really care, but...wow...i'm just so impressed...michigan state was favored to win by about 14 points. i personally thought the game would be pretty even and could go either way. but never did i imagine that cal would totally dominate the way they did...i was completely in shock and excited and blown away...true, michigan state made a lot of mistakes (probably looking past us), but cal was playing with so much heart..and then that long drive in the 3rd quarter where they just kept pounding the ball...it was a beautiful thing, i tell you...

oh, and it was very cool to get so much attention everywhere...espn, usatoday, foxports, etc...very rare to hear so many people saying good things about cal football. i like it. posted at 11:54 PM |  

you know, this is kind of embarrassing, but i am always forgetting/messing up the name of the company that i work for. i just realized that it was wrong in my resume too. not because my memory's bad - it's just such a hard name to remember!!! but i feel silly anyway. how long have i worked there now? 4-5 months? i should know the name by now... posted at 12:23 AM |  

shit, the angels won : (

if my cousin were still living here, she'd be baking some cookies about now... posted at 10:29 PM |  

anyone watch bill clinton on letterman last night?...gave me a good chuckle when he was talking about blowing away (on his sax). i don't think he realized what he had said until it was too late and people in the audience were giggling...but other than that, it was really interesting. i just think he has so much more class and intelligence than dubya...but then again, i don't know shit about politics.

the A's just tied!!!!!!! woo-hoo!!!!

sorry for that interruption, i'm watching the game and blogging at the same time and since i'm all alone here i didn't have anyone to cheer with (though i did hear the neighbors upstairs cheer exactly when chavez hit the homer)

now i don't remember what else i was going to say... posted at 10:09 PM |  

i don't know why i've been so tired this week. i feel like i'm coming down with something. i was only at work for 2 hours today...went to get my eyes checked, then didn't bother going back to work afterwards. my pupils were dialated anyway. so i came home and took a nap. a long nap. it felt good.

anyway, i just checked email and found out that the two potential roommates who were at the top of my list both found other places before they even came to look at mine! so annoying. posted at 8:31 PM |  

i want to say something, but i'm not sure what...all day today, whenever i was doing something on the computer and saw the date, i just froze for second. it happened so many times...took me by surprise almost. i wonder if it will always be this way...

when i woke up this morning, i just stayed in bed listening to the radio for a long time...i remembered a year ago today, the alarm woke me up a few minutes before 9 AM (eastern time). i wondered why there was no music playing, why it sounded like a news station...then i turned on the tv and saw that one of the towers was on fire. my initial thought was that it was some sort of accident. but then, i saw the second plane hit. live.

from that point on, i sat up in bed and watched for a few hours...i'm not sure how long i was sitting there...i remember after i heard about the pentagon, i wondered what else was going to happen. i expected more to happen. i really didn't think it was over at all. it probably wouldn't have been over if the fourth plane hadn't been taken down in pennsylvania....thinking about that still gets to me today...

i remember calling my mom to wake her up...i remember watching the towers come down...i remember waiting to hear from my relatives in new york, and from sean, who was in dc...i didn't even get up to go to the bathroom until i knew everyone was ok.

i remember feeling sick to my stomach. yet i still kept watching...

i remember going to ground zero 3 months later and smelling the air and feeling it and truly soaking in what had happened.

and now...well, i'm watching more tv coverage. maybe i shouldn't be, i don't know. can't help it though. it was all just so shocking, so unreal...somehow, watching all this, reading about it, finding out more and more details, more personal stories...it just helps make it real. posted at 8:45 PM |  

i didn't get much done today either. really exhausted for some reason...i hate feeling like this.

work sucked today. got really pissed off about some things. kept my mouth shut though. just kept rubbing my head trying to calm myself down. and i went to get some gelato from the new gelato place on shattuck...it's so good...

anyway...i have a lot of phone calls to make to potential roommates, i'm really bad about getting back to people and setting up appointments for them to come over. it's such a pain. plus, i think subconsciously i just want to move and i don't want to deal with a roommate, even though i kinda want one too because i get lonely when my cousin's not here...i know, i'm not making any sense. nevermind.

i found out my friend's bachelorette party is going to cost $100 per person. yikes. is that normal? i know i should go because...well, i just should. it would be wrong not to go to a close friend's bachelorette party, right? and it'll be fun, i guess. but $100? if other people think that's a reasonable amount, then i'll shut up and pay and go enjoy it. but as of right now, i'm not sure... posted at 11:47 PM |  

i'm so tired....why do i have so many things to do and so little time to do them??...all i really want to do is sleep now, so good night. posted at 12:59 AM |  

i'm getting completely miserable just thinking about the fact that i have to go to work tomorrow... posted at 12:03 AM |  

cal won again! yay!...i had a good time at the game. although we found ourselves sitting smack dab in the middle of some unofficial frat/sorority section. we should have moved after the first touchdown because the guys sitting next to us were...um...piling up on top of each other? it was strange. anyway...then between the second and third quarters, more and more sorority girls started to show up. with their little skirts and purses and faces covered in layers of make-up. talking on their cell phones to other people sitting in the same area! oh, and then some guys started flirting with them instead of paying attention to the game. ugh. it was so annoying, reminded me of michigan. must try to avoid that crowd next time.

it was just weird because i'm not used to seeing that at cal games...maybe when we play ucla or stanfurd, but it's very rare when we're playing some lame out-of-conference team....maybe it's because of last week's game...or maybe it's because the game was later in the afternoon than it usually is...i don't know. whatever. other than that, i had fun. and it was a beautiful day, so it was nice just to be out enjoying the sun... posted at 11:46 PM |  

my tummy feels weird : ( posted at 1:04 AM |  

i got an email from the friend who's getting married next month...her parents are really traditional, and her fiance's parents are even more traditional, so...well, there's like 10 million indian ceremonies before the wedding...i seriously don't think i'll go to most of them. it's sad because i grew up with her and consider her to be family, so i want to be there for her through all of it, but...i mean, am i supposed to reserve the entire month of october for all her indian rituals and stuff?? i seriously freaked out when i saw all the dates listed in her email. it starts this weekend! and the wedding's not until october 26!

oh, and apparently there's some indian custom that says the bride can't leave the house for a few days before the wedding. so she asked me if i could help her with some wedding stuff during that time. i want to help her, but...at the same time, it's all just so silly to me. i can't believe that she's doing all this. well, technically, she didn't have a choice really...anyway, i'm just really confused about how many of these events i need to attend. and whether i'll have enough indian clothes to do so...

when i get married, i want it to be done the way i want. i understand the importance of culture and all, but in my mind, it's more important that a wedding day be about the two people who are getting married, not about their parents and other relatives... posted at 12:55 AM |  

so the new girl was having a conversation with someone today, about their personalities or whatever, and she said something like "do people call you...uh... certain adjectives? because i do get called those certain adjectives a lot."

i'm sitting there thinking 'bitch' is a noun, not an adjective.

but i know that's the word she was referring to. and i'm not surprised that she hears it a lot.

i've been pretty good this week, kept my mouth relatively quiet about a lot of things...phrased things in a way that wouldn't piss her off...but i think i slipped a little at the end of the day today. i just mentioned something about the length of one of the lessons she was working on...see, usually we only have 2-3 questions per page. she's been putting in about 5 per page. and she mentioned something about wanting to add 2 more questions to an already very long page. maybe i should have kept quiet, but i just felt a bit surprised that she was going to do that - so i just kinda freaked out and said "you're going to have 7 questions on one page???". and she was like, "yeah, how else are they going to learn if we don't ask a lot of questions?" so then i was just like ok, but the more questions you have, the longer it takes. and usually each lesson is only supposed to be 10 minutes long. so then she got all pissy saying "how are we supposed to teach all this stuff in only 10 minutes?" and i was like, you're not, you're just supposed to cover less stuff in each lesson and have more lessons. then she got in her usual argue-mode. totally over-reacting as usual...i'm skipping over some of what she said, but basically at the end she said something like "fine then. add another one! i don't care!". (hmm...i wonder if she hears "spoiled brat" a lot too?)

i tried to remain as calm as possible and told her as nicely and quietly as i could that it was too late to add another lesson now, and that i was just telling her this to let her know that in the future she should take the length of the lesson under consideration, and if it seems like it's going to be much more than 10 minutes long, then she should break it up into two lessons...

uuuuggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!

i had to use so much restraint. and i'm not a very angry person, really i'm not. but i just hate it when people talk to me the way she does. fucking know-it-all BITCH. posted at 11:29 PM |  

i should have gone to the A's game tonight...20 games in a row! wow. that's kinda insane...i'm suddenly all excited about baseball again!

my boss had extra tickets to tonight's game, box seats. he was going around the office asking people if they wanted to go with him. i was waiting for him to ask me and contemplating whether i would actually go with him, or if that would just be weird...but, HE DIDN'T ASK ME!!!

i was slightly disappointed...he only asked 3-4 people, and they all said no. then he made a big fuss about it...but if he really, really wanted someone to go with him, he should have just asked more people, don't you think?...maybe he just didn't think the rest of us looked like sports fans...

ah, whatever. he's a brilliant researcher, but kinda dense when it comes to other things. posted at 11:40 PM |  

i'm so damn indecisive sometimes...especially when it comes to buying things...i'm so hesitant to just make a choice and stick with it, get so paranoid that i'm making the wrong decision - not just for big things, but for small items too...i really drive myself insane. i ask a million people, i read reviews, i compare prices, i try to figure out what i really need...and usually, the result is that i don't get anything! all because i just can't make a damn decision by myself... posted at 12:56 AM |  

i just took an hour-long shower...really needed it, just to relax...but i also feel too awake now, so i can't sleep...

i'm all alone here tonight. so lonely...my cousin left. half her stuff is still here, so i still have hope that her mom will come around and let her stay...but...yeah, that's not likely, so i really need to find another roommate. i admit i should have started looking for one a lot earlier, i don't know how the summer went by so quickly...

anyway...i don't want to go back to work tomorrow...i'm dreading it really...friday was not good, and i probably said some things i shouldn't have...i just get so frustrated being the 'quiet intern'. it's not me. i need to voice my opinions. for my own sanity. and well...some of the people there are so two-faced and full of shit...one minute, they agree with me, then next they tell someone else the opposite...fuck, i don't even care anymore. if they want to fire me, or if they decide not to keep me after my internship ends, then fine. i'll have more time to look for a better job then.

you know, i thought i would like working at a non-proit, but after my experiences here...well, i've changed my mind. they are just so much more concerned with pleasing the people who are giving them money, than they are with putting out a high-quality product. and i can't deal with that kind of mentality. i'd personally prefer to work in a more stressful environment where i am actually proud of the work i'm doing, than work at a no-stress place like this. (well, that's how i feel now anyway...may change my mind at some point, i don't know.)

ideally, of course, i'd like my own business...but that's way in the future... posted at 1:20 AM |