well, i got a raise. 10%. sounds like a lot, but it really isn't much considering how little i was making to begin with. months ago, my boss told me that we would negotiate on my salary if i stayed past october. well, there was no negotiation. he pretty much just said 'this is how much we're going to pay you.'

i was hoping for a little more, but whatever. it's not like i actually put in 40 hour weeks anymore anyway. he gave me more responsibilities though, so at least i won't be as bored...i'll have a lesson of my own to work on finally...i'm so determined to do a really good job on it...i have a feeling the bitch will manage to take it over somehow, but i'll worry about that when the time comes.

hope everyone has a happy halloween! posted at 7:11 PM |  

a heart-felt "go bears!" in memory of chancellor Tien. he will be missed. posted at 8:05 PM |  

i sent the HR person at my office an email asking about my contract...so she reminded my boss today and he told her to make up another contract for me. he still hasn't spoken to me about how much i'll be getting paid though...i hope it's just because he was busy today.

anyway, peter didn't have such good luck. his contract is up tomorrow as well, and he's not getting a new one. can't say i'm surprised. and he shouldn't be either...i actually think they were going to fire him a couple months ago, but he was so depressed and going through a divorce...so they kept him on a little longer. but yeah, he pretty much sucks at his job. i have mixed feelings though...concerned that i'll have to take over his job - writing text and homework. i'm sure i can do it better than him, and i guess having more work will keep me less bored, but it's kind of a drag when i'm stuck doing things that i really don't enjoy doing at all...i wouldn't mind doing a little of it now and then, but definitely not all day...

oh, and i won't have anyone to complain to about the bitch. no one to "break the tie", so to speak, when we disagree about something...there's just the two of us now. i hope they hire someone else soon...ooh, maybe i can get his desk though. his monitor is bigger than mine. not that i ever sit in the cubicle. but if i had his desk and computer, i might.

anyway...i think he feels a little bitter towards me. he hasn't really spoken to me...probably thinks i kicked him out of his job. honestly, from the time i started working here, i sort of felt like he was trying to get me to not work as hard as i do. and occasionally he told me things that were totally opposite of what was actually wanted. then when i started working on lessons, he criticized them a lot - i don't know what was up with that. he did one lesson and was never allowed to do another, it was so bad! so i'm going to listen to his suggestions? please. he doesn't even know what the hell he's talking about half the time...

i think the manager had a talk with the bitch last week when i was out sick...she's been pretty civil to me since then, and she's actually listened to my suggestions to some extent. still doesn't want to work with me, but whatever. as long as she's not yelling, it's ok. she's so unbelievably self-centered though...the three of us went to a cafe on friday because she wanted to "form relationships" with us since she's technically our manager. she said she wanted us to get to know each other better. yet, she talked about nothing but herself the whole time! she didn't ask either of us anything about our backgrounds...meanwhile, as i found out more about her background, it just confirmed that she has had no formal training in this field...she doesn't even have a degree in education! i can't stress how strongly i feel that having a master's in math does not qualify someone to teach math...but anyway, i'm trying not to dwell on how unprofessional her work is. it just makes sense to me now that i know her background.

alright, i've blogged enough this evening...must do laundry... posted at 7:39 PM |  

i'm kinda paranoid that i deleted an email about a job i applied for...it was by accident, kind of. or maybe i just wasn't thinking clearly. i don't know...see, i got this email yesterday and the subject was "job"...i think i read it at work and decided it was just a forward from some michigan mailing list i'm on, didn't pay much attention to it. i'm not sure though. anyway, so when i came home and checked email last night, i started deleting junk messages. and i deleted that "job" one too. didn't even double check and re-read it! i was just so convinced that i had read it at work and it was nothing...but this morning it hit me, what if that was about a job i applied for?!?! i mean, i really don't remember paying close attention to it when i read it at work...i may not have even really read it! i have no idea...i remember checking email, but then someone interrupted me and gave me something to do, so i just closed it...i swear, i've been brain-dead lately.

at first i thought, no problem, i'll just check the "trash" folder. well, there were no messages in that folder! delete really means delete. which is weird, because it didn't do that in the past. i really don't understand what happened...aaarrrgggghhhh....i'm trying to convince myself that i really did read it at work and it really was nothing important...but i'm not 100% sure, so it's killing me... posted at 10:55 PM |  

i hate walking home alone in the dark...kinda scary...i guess i could take the bus instead, but then i wouldn't get my daily exercise...maybe i'll walk up a busier street. it's more of a hike though, will take me longer to get back. either way, it's going to be a pain once the weather gets bad...

alright, i'm a wimp. i know lots of people (especially in the bay area) would love to work within walking distance of their homes...not have to sit in traffic for an hour...and i do like it, but not so much when it's cold and dark and rainy... posted at 7:30 PM |  

so much for going to bed early...here i am, still up...

i actually had to tape my bills to the front door so i'd remember to mail them tomorrow. my room is a mess. must clean tomorrow. or at least start cleaning.

i *really* hope i get an interview soon...i actually think that i am slightly over-qualified for the job i applied for last night. not too over-qualified that they won't consider me, but just enough that i feel like they don't have much of an excuse not to interview me. i will be really disappointed if i don't hear from them. it's in the bay area too! would be great if i got it...i also think i am fairly qualified for this other job i applied for in san diego...would love to go down there for an interview, even just to visit friends...it's so depressing to not hear from any companies...sometimes i feel like i'm losing my skills at my current job...due to not using them at all...brain hasn't been functioning in months...

ok, i better hit the sack. long, boring day at work tomorrow! posted at 1:08 AM |  

just feel like blogging more...feeling kinda bored...i have things i need to do, but i'm really not motivated right now. i just...i don't know, need someone to talk to.

i was wondering whether my friend who got married is just settling...don't know how to explain it...i guess it just feels weird to me because she never really talked about him all that much when they were dating. but maybe i just wasn't around...anyway, all i know is that her parents were really pressuring her to hurry up and get married, and that this guy sort of meets most of their requirements, know what i mean? and he's not a bad guy...i mean, he's about 5 years older than she is, but other than that he seems nice...friendly, well-off, etc. someone she gets along with. plus, he took her to paris to propose. but sometimes i wonder if she really loves him...maybe it's just silly of me to think that way, but i can see how she would just settle for "good enough"...sometimes, i think i might have to do that...

oh, and it doesn't help that the guy had actually wanted to marry one of her friends...she said no because she had a boyfriend at the time...so then he started to date my friend instead - not to sound negative or anything, but she was kind of his second choice, you know?

sorry, indian marriages are kind of weird...too much parental involvement in the whole thing...i have doubts about the situation, but i suppose she's happy and he's happy and their families are happy, so...hell, it's better than being alone. posted at 11:52 PM |  

had the hardest time getting out of bed this morning...definitely going to bed at a decent hour tonight.

anyway, i basically had nothing to do at work...it's getting very irritating...i mean, i know i'm getting paid for it, but it's just such a pain in the ass to have to get up and go to work and then just sit there all day. oh, and no one's said anything about my contract yet...i have no idea what i'm supposed to do. it ends on thursday - if they don't give me a new one by then, do i just not show up on friday? i am pretty sure they think i'm staying...and i guess i am staying, for now. but do i just show up even if i'm not under contract? i'm so confused...do you think they just forgot? should i go remind them? what should i say? i really have no clue...but i'm not staying unless they give me a raise. i mean, if i'm going to sit there and do nothing all day, they need to pay me more, just for motivation. posted at 10:04 PM |  

i should probably go to bed...meant to do that a while ago, but i wanted to send my resume out to this one place and of course, writing the letter took me like an hour to do...i seriously didn't think it would take that long, but next thing i know, it's almost 2 AM and yikes - i have to go to work tomorrow! sucks... posted at 1:49 AM |  

i'm having a lazy day today...really need to clean the apartment, but instead i've just been lying in bed, watching football, and downloading mp3's...oh, and game 7's about to start, so i should go cheer on the giants i guess... posted at 5:05 PM |  

my feet hurt : (

i left the reception a little after midnight...wanted to stay until 2, but i was worn out. danced my butt off. mostly bhangra - much to my own embarrassment. but i only do that for good friends...

the bride was much happier at the reception...smiling and dancing, as she should be. she did want the day to be over, but she had fun...i was just pissed i didn't get to take a picture with her!! she posed with mostly family...then the photographer left before she could get a shot with all us girls together...kinda disappointing, but oh well...

overall, it was a good party. it was at city hall in sf, which is really beautiful inside for those of you who haven't been....the bartender was nuts - made the drinks way too strong. and actually, it was a challenge to get a non-alcoholic drink. he just refused! he'd give you a rum and coke, but not a plain coke. crazy. i couldn't drink any of his stuff. got a glass of wine, but barely took a few sips before the dancing started. never sat back down after that, despite how tired i got or how much my throat hurt...so yeah, not only did i bhangra - but i did it completely sober. and the lights were on! they didn't dim them!! oh yeah, i was videotaped too. caught on camera. i hope i didn't look too ridiculous...

anyway..the one thing i would say i didn't like was that the bride and groom couldn't really be romantic...like, when they danced their 'first dance', they were arm width apart. they couldn't kiss. they couldn't put their arms around each other. couldn't be like normal newly-weds...damn conservative indian folks all over the place...so that's another reason why i want to elope if/when i get married to this imaginary guy of my dreams...so i don't have to worry about looking respectable in front of the elder indians...

alrighty, i better go to bed now...been a long day... posted at 1:18 AM |  

back from the wedding...the reception is later tonight...but at least i'll have more time to get dressed for that.

anyway...it was a sikh ceremony, not nearly as long as hindu ones...but afterwards...i don't know, just got too emotional. i thought my friend was either going to have a breakdown, faint, or throw up. she was really nauseous. (didn't help that her outfit weighed more than she does) she somehow made it through ok...though she did cry a lot and seemed really out of it...she was overwhelmed...couldn't even really say anything, but her hands were so cold and she was really pale...just staring off into space sometimes, somewhat aware of what was going on around her, sort of listening to all these people saying things to her and congratulating her...but she just wasn't entirely there. and the tears - they weren't happy ones. they were sad, "get me the hell out of here, i can't take this anymore" tears. and her twin sister - i can't even imagine what she was going through. she was extremely, extremely depressed. it was so sad...

*sigh*

that's why i don't want an indian wedding. they're all like that. sure, there are a lot of parties and the mood is festive, but then at the ceremony...i don't even know how to describe it. it's just not happy. i've noticed that at every indian wedding i've been to so far...the bride always looks especially miserable...i don't want that to be me. if/when i get married, i want to be overjoyed - i want to be glowing, smiling, laughing, in love - HAPPY - is that too much to ask for on my wedding day?

anyway...my friend's dress was beautiful, and she looked really pretty...it's just a shame that she couldn't have a smile to match. i hope she can manage one at the reception, but given that there are going to be 500 people there - yes, i said 500 - i have a feeling she'll be anxious for the night to be over. posted at 3:23 PM |  

silly me...trying to get some girly things taken care of tonight instead of tomorrow morning...i just did the crappiest toe nail painting ever. hardly any light in here...i also want to use a mask because my skin looks like crap. i always break out really bad when i'm sick.

*sigh*

i feel so yucky though, i should just go to sleep, huh?...i haven't even decided what jewelery i'm going to wear!...damn, it's going to be a stressful morning... posted at 1:35 AM |  

i feel sick : (

felt ok last night, felt ok in the morning, but...i don't know, i think going to work wore me out. started feeling really tired and weak towards the end of the day. went home to get my indian clothes...my friend's wedding is tomorrow, can't miss that no matter how sick i am. i was sad that i missed the mendhi party, but i really didn't want to go contaminate everyone. there was some other ceremony tonight, i didn't go to that either. and i'm skipping out on the 8 AM ceremony tomorrow morning...hope she doesn't mind...i'll be there in time for the wedding though, don't think it'll start until 11. shit, i have a lot to do in the morning though. it'll take me a while to get dressed and everything...

if i ever get married, i seriously think it'll be really simple...or at least i would like it to be really simple...i have no idea what my family will push me into... posted at 11:59 PM |  

damn hotmail...i guess i hadn't logged into that account in 30 days, so it deleted everything. such a pain in the ass...i mean, it was primarily a junk account, but still...don't you think they should give some sort of warning before they delete all your mail?!?! and seriously, 30 days? that's not a long time...i think after 90 days, go ahead. but 30 can pass fairly quickly...maybe i should just make another yahoo mail account... posted at 12:44 AM |  

i'm going to have a hard time falling asleep tonight...last night, i had trouble falling asleep because i was so uncomfortable - couldn't breathe, sore throat, etc - so then when i finally did fall asleep (approximately 3:30-4-ish), i slept straight through to 1:15 PM. so basically, i'm not the least bit sleepy tonight, and i am going back to work tomorrow, so i need to be up by 9...i hate it when my sleep cycle gets all screwed up... posted at 12:18 AM |  

i'm glad they finally arrested the sniper...it was getting way out of hand...hard to understand how someone can go around and kill so many people before being caught... posted at 5:40 PM |  

don't think i'll go to work tomorrow either. i'm feeling much better tonight than i was last night, but still sick. and it's so damn cold in my office...i seriously want to bring in a blanket. posted at 1:18 AM |  

didn't go to work...just slept a lot...

when i'm sick, there are a few things i need: 1) chai, 2) soup, and 3) something sweet to drink - usually sprite, but apple juice or ginger ale would do...anyway, i don't have any of those things! i don't know why, guess i haven't been sick in a long time... posted at 2:28 PM |  

took some cold medication and went to sleep for a few hours...that felt good... posted at 12:47 AM |  

i'm sick : (

shouldn't have gone to work today...don't know why i did...well, i wasn't feeling sick in the morning, just had a sore throat. and though my body felt weak, i thought it was just because i'm on my period (it's much, much heavier than normal this month for some reason)...anyway, i had some errands that i was planning on taking care of during lunch, and i knew that if i stayed home i wouldn't get them done, so i went to work. and...i was uncomfortable all day, half the office was out sick, so i guess i caught whatever they had. didn't really hit me how sick i was until i started walking back home. and now...now, i feel like shit. i'm craving chicken soup, but don't have any. *sigh*...i don't even have any tea! what kind of indian am i?!?!

anyway...tomorrow is actually the one day i actually want to go to work. a congressman is coming in, and i really would like to meet him. don't think i'll make it though. or should i go in for a couple hours, meet him, and then leave? i don't know. i'll see how i feel in the morning i guess. posted at 7:32 PM |  

sent my resume out to 2 places...so tired now, must go to bed.

i really hope i didn't write something stupid...i tend to not pay close attention when i do this stuff at night, but...i really wanted to get them out soon because i know how many resumes companies get when they place ads on monster and places like that...

i really should update all my stuff on monster...i think it'll save me time. otherwise i feel like i end up changing a bunch of stuff in my resume and letter everytime i apply somewhere. oh, and i hate it when they make you copy and paste the text in a box rather than attach a word document...such a pain...this one place didn't even let me preview it...i just assumed that it would give me that option before submitting, but no...it just submitted it without warning! i hope everything was ok... posted at 1:40 AM |  

i don't want to go to work tomorrow. god it was so boring today. it's boring almost everyday, but i just don't have any work to do so it just seems like a waste. i have better things to do with my time than sit there staring...

anyway. everyone came back from ohio, and although no one told me specifically what the board's comments were, i overheard some of them. and you know what? there were at least 3 things they suggested that i had wanted to suggest a long time ago! (if anyone would have listened). it would save them so much time if they got feedback from me first, it is so ridiculous...really...they spend all this time making graphics and programming the lessons...then they take it out there and have to come back and make all these changes. wouldn't it be easier if, oh i don't know, they asked me for feedback before they start making the graphics and doing the programming? maybe they wouldn't find behind schedule so much if they did...freakin idiots!

oh, and there was this one thing my boss insisted we put in a few weeks ago, and i disagreed with him and tried to explain why...and he ended up yelling at me like i don't know what i'm talking about, insisting even more strongly that we put in his idea...well, that idea just got tossed in the trash! i had done exactly what he told me to do, and first of all the graphic designer complained last week because he couldn't understand it, then today the programmers were like "why the hell are we doing this?" - i was going to keep quiet and wait for them to ask me, but then i realized that they weren't going to ask me SINCE I'M INVISIBLE. so i interrupted their conversation and told them why it was there, and explained that my boss just about bit my head off when i suggested that we not do it that way. so then after the bitch came in, they talked to her about it too, and she was like "just take it out, he won't remember." so, it's now gone. it's true, he might not remember. but *if* he does, then i'm concerned that i'm the one who's going to get blamed for it!

it's nuts, i tell you. i hate working here. posted at 8:44 PM |  

i hate cold weather...just hate it! i used to like it for some reason, didn't even mind it so much in michigan...but i just can't deal with it anymore. i want it to be warm again.

oh, and after you get used to real heaters, the kind we have here just don't do shit!!! i had roommates from boston once, and i always though they were weird because they'd keep the heat on really high, to the point where the apartment was so stuffy i couldn't breathe! but now, i totally get it. when you live someplace with real winters, you just get used to those real heaters...and now, i want one. posted at 8:01 PM |  

my throat hurts. i think i yelled too much during the game. posted at 10:23 PM |  

GO BEARS!!!!!!

the game was fun...we got lucky, but a win's a win. makes up for all the bad luck last week - i didn't want to talk about that game because i was too bitter. but today's game was fun since we were on the other end : )

we rushed the field too...i haven't done that in a while, it was cool. some of the players were down there on the field, taking pictures, being interviewed on tv, and just celebrating...i tried to get on tv, but there were too many tall guys in front of me...oh well, it was fun anyway. i like winning. i could get used to this.... posted at 8:35 PM |  

just finished one of the essays...took a while...two more that i should try to work on tonight because i know she needs to mail them out like, tomorrow, but...damn, i'm so tired... posted at 12:26 AM |  

i had a big italian meal and now i just want to sleep. i hadn't been to this place in a really long time...a couple years at least. it's so good though. i love their tiramisu.

i don't really have anything to say, i'm just...sleepy...going to go into food coma for a while, then i have to edit 3 essays for my cousin, and maybe 1 for another cousin as well...what have i gotten myself into?!?! posted at 10:39 PM |  

yay...it's friday...2 days of not having to go to work!!! i think i was only there for about 6 hours today. i just don't even care...i didn't have anything concrete to do anyway.

oh, and i may have gotten myself a roommate! my dad actually "found" her...well, she's the daughter-in-law of some guy that my dad knows. his soon-to-be-ex-daughter-in-law actually. her husband kicked her out last night. she somehow ended up at my dad's place last night and spent the night there. so anyway, she looked at a few places today and my dad told her i'm looking for a roommate, so she just came over a little while ago to check out the place. she's very sweet...much nicer than some of the other people who came by. seemed to like the place too. so, this might not be too bad. i don't know what the story is with the husband, but i'm guessing it was his fault, not hers...and i honestly feel much more comfortable knowing that she's not a complete stranger... posted at 7:45 PM |  

my friend's family is having one of the traditional pre-wedding parties this saturday...would it be really bad if i didn't go? i've gone to 2 out of 4 so far. there's also a mendhi (henna) party next week, but i'm not decided about that one either. i guess the one this saturday is one of the bigger/more important ones...but...i don't know, it's just a pain. i'm not into all these indian parties. some of her other friends are really nice and i have fun with them, but it's not really enough to motivate me to go. i guess the fact that she's a good friend of mine should motivate me, but...i mean...it's really her parents' party, you know?...i'm just not in the mood to go find some indian clothes and go drive out there and listen to indian music with all these indian people...i'll have enough of that at the wedding.

i know i'd feel a little bad if i don't go, but...it's just so inconvenient...i'm going to the cal-ucla game at 4, so i'll probably be back at my place by 8...then i'll have to take a shower and get dressed, and i'll probably eat something too...so, say i leave by 9. i'll get there at 9:30-9:45...if i don't get stuck in football traffic trying to get out of berkeley...

my point is, i'm lazy and i don't feel like going to the trouble. maybe i'm a bad friend, i don't know. there's no way i'm missing the football game - i know, my priorities are all screwed up. but i've got other issues too...i honestly get so bothered by the fact that i have to get all dressed up for things like this. indians are weird that way. if you're not dressed up, they'll just stare at you, all judgemental...it makes me very uncomfortable.

i hate feeling torn over silly things like this. what it really comes down to is whether my friend will feel bad if i don't go. i honestly don't know. i don't think she really cares all that much, she's very easy-going about this stuff and she knows i'm not really into indian music. but on the other hand, it'll just look bad to other people, you know? they'll all say "why weren't you at the sangeet???"...and i'll have to come up with a good excuse...which i don't really have...*sigh*... posted at 10:10 PM |  

work was so unbelievably boring...i seriously don't have anything to do. and it's so cold!!! i was just sitting there freezing my ass off all day today...you know what i hate? when it's cold outside, i want to get something warm to eat for lunch, and i want to sit somewhere warm while i'm eating it. but there are no warm places to eat!!! yesterday i went to this pizza place, and was sitting there shivering because they keep their door open. today, i went to yali's, and they also leave the door open! damn it, it's fucking cold outside. i don't care if it gets stuffy inside, i just want to sit somewhere warm and eat before my food gets cold. close the door!!! posted at 7:58 PM |  

i saw on the news that this one guy bought world series tickets and offered to give one of them to someone *if* they agreed to give him a job in return. has the job market really come down to this - bribery? i know some people out there must be deperate for a ticket, but really...i wonder if someone would actually give a stranger a job, just for that ticket...

it is kinda creative though, gotta do what you can i suppose... posted at 1:02 AM |  

work is going to be really boring the next couple days...i honestly don't know what i'm going to do to keep myself busy...all the important people are going to a board meeting out in ohio...my boss told me about a month ago that i should go to this meeting, but i guess he forgot. not that i really want to go to ohio, it's just the thought of being special enough to go to one of these meetings...i haven't exactly been on my boss's good side lately, so that might have something to do with it, i don't know.

anyway. i really hate it when the bitch gloats - very loudly i might add - whenever she find out about a minor little boo-boo in my work. this is the second time she's done it. and the thing is, i checked one of her files after she left, and she had made the exact same mistake! she's such a weirdo...i mean, after she pointed it out so gleefully, i immediately checked all of my other files to see if i had done the same thing anywhere else (i didn't). she should have looked through her files as well, don't you think? but aside from all that, it was just really irritating to hear her making everyone in the office aware of the fact that i had done something wrong. i understand she was just teasing, but the boss was in the office. it's just not cool to do that when the boss is there. like she was intentionally trying to make me look bad or something. and she was completely overreacting too...this is normally the type of thing that i do catch. the only reason i missed it this time was because i had just written it up 2 minutes ago! didn't have time to look it over yet...it was really such a minor little oversight, that honestly had no real impact on anything (it's just a rough 1st draft type thing).

i don't mean to be going on and on about this, it was all just pretty ridiculous...she's such an immature little brat, you know? posted at 11:28 PM |  

i've been feeling really tired all day today...not just tired, but weak. i don't know what it is. feel like i don't have any energy. after lunch today, i couldn't concentrate on work at all...hardly did anything all afternoon...i think it's the cold weather. i was freezing.

anyway, should probably go to bed soon and get some rest... posted at 12:31 AM |  

wow, i think my blog readership has dropped significantly in the past month...oh well, can't help it if i'm boring people by complaining about my job day in, day out. this is the only real outlet i have for that...hopefully, this will all pass soon and i'll have more interesting things to write about.

i'm tired now...sometimes it takes me 3+ hours just to send out a resume. (mostly working on my cover letter, trying to touch on things listed in the job description and make myself sound qualified.)

time for bed... posted at 1:28 AM |  

work wasn't too bad...i kept myself busy so the day passed much faster than it usually does...i don't know if my manager spoke to the bitch yet or not, but i didn't get into an argument with her today. (probably because i had the whole weekend to chill out a bit)

i've realized that, aside from the fact that i don't like her, the main reason i've been frustrated lately is because i need to be able to express my opinions...to voice my concerns, and to provide suggestions for improving the lessons. if i even had the opportunity to do these things - regardless of whether or not any changes result from it - i would feel much better about working here. it's their loss really - i mean, by not involving me or getting any input from me, their product is not as good as it could be. i know that. yeah, it pisses me off that they don't know it. (and they never will if they don't let me contribute!) but...that's just the way things are...and so, they can keep their crappy lessons, and i'll (eventually) take my ideas elsewhere and get at least a little bit of respect, i hope.

i wish i had someone at work to talk to in the meanwhile, that would make things easier...why is it that all the people i liked there either got fired or quit??...i remember a few months ago, the other intern (who no longer works there) told me she's noticed that there were too many phd-snobs in the office...that anyone who didn't have one was kinda not taken seriously. i know what she means now... posted at 11:30 PM |  

i have no idea whether i have to go to work tomorrow or not...i know it's a government holiday, but i also know that schools are open, but i think there was this other holiday a while back during which schools were open but we weren't...i don't know. maybe i just want it to be a holiday so bad, i'm trying to convince myself that it is one...i have an employee handbook that lists all this stuff, but i honestly don't know where i put the damn thing! posted at 7:36 PM |  

my friend's bachelorette party was cancelled...possibly just postponed, but most likeley, it's not going to happen. she ordered her wedding clothes from india, but when she got it in the mail, it had a huge stain...so, she went down to LA to try to find something decent there...

i'm kinda glad the party isn't tonight though, i'm dead tired.

my manager at work finally had some time to talk to me today...we talked for a good 30-40 minutes this evening...i didn't quite get everything off my chest, party because, well, who am i to tell him how to do his job? but i did tell him how frustrated i am with the situation, and with how the bitch treats me. i'm glad that he listened to my side of the situation though, and he was really trying to figure out a way to make things better. he's going to have a talk with the bitch early next week, and then he wants me to sit down with her and talk to her about about how i feel (gag!). that would just be so awkward. and frankly, it's not going to change her personality. anyway, my manager basically gave me 2 options: 1) we could work on totally different things (specifically, i could work on boring text and homework problems, while she works on the cool computer-based stuff.) or 2) i could somehow try to work with her on the computer-based stuff and trust her judgement. either way, it sucks for me. he told me to think about it for a few days and let him know what i decide. i'd prefer to option 1 because i wouldn't have to talk to her much, but on the other hand...it's not the direction i want to go. i didn't take software design classes to end up being a textbook writer, you know? but if i go with option 2...man, i'm going to go insane working with her...and honestly, i'm not going to learn anything from her. i don't like her style, i don't think it's professional...i would gain absolutely nothing by working with her...

*sigh*

any thoughts? 1 or 2? someone tell me what to do... posted at 9:21 PM |  

my cousin has 5 essays she needs to send out tomorrow. i'm so freakin tired. i feel like i've been editing all day...can't think anymore...wanted to send my resume out to this one place, but didn't get time. must do it tomorrow...

anyway. i'm just at this point now where i want - no, need - something good to happen to me. it's been too long since i've had something to be happy about... posted at 1:47 AM |  

i'm getting so unbelievably frustrated at work...the bitch drove me a little nuts today. to the point where i started to argue with her for no apparent reason. i just get so annoyed dealing with her...and i'm upset with myself because i know that i'm the one who looked bad today. i mean, to the other people in the office who hadn't heard the earlier conversation i had with her and who don't know why i am so annoyed, it would seem as though i just blew up at her for no reason. but there was a reason...it's that she's so...impossible...and i had just had enough of her and enough of this stupid job. i just don't want to be there anymore. i'm tired of it. and the more tired and frustrated i get, the more likely i am to argue with her just for the sake of arguing.

i don't know what to do... posted at 7:33 PM |  

i'm sorting through some email i got from people interested in the apartment...i haven't had the time or energy to concentrate on finding a roommate lately...but anyway, it's funny how just by reading a 1-2 sentence email, i can already decide that i don't want to live with a person. i feel bad judging people like that, but...i don't know, sometimes i just read an email and get a bad impression. like this one person used "u" instead of "you" and "ur" instead of "your" - it was enough to make me delete the email right away.

i know i was lonely for a while when my cousin moved out, but now i'm kinda liking living alone again...i just want the whole job-situation to be settled so i can move into a small place just for me... posted at 12:29 AM |  

another boring day at work...i hate feeling so...unstimulated...i don't know, i just need for my brain to be active all the time. it's almost never active at work. i got so sleepy today...well, i was up really late last night trying to send out my resume to this one place. it took forever. stupid hotjobs...but anyway, i could barely keep my eyes open at work. especially because there was no reason to.

*sigh*

i just want a new job. will someone hire me? please??? i know there must be some company out there that can use me... posted at 11:00 PM |  

work was so damn boring today...i hate it when i don't have anything to do...i actually spent most of the day working on my cousin's essay. i wonder how i would go about doing this as a side-business when i am unemployed...but anyway...we never had a meeting to review the lesson...i *think* the manager spoke to the other guy on monday morning and asked him if he looked at it, and he said he did (bullshit)...and that was the end of that. they've already started programming the damn thing, and the graphic designer is making all the artwork, mistakes and all...i told the bitch that some of the problems had really messy non-integer solutions, and she said she'd fix them, but i don't think she understood that she had to fix them now and tell the graphic designer...*sigh*...she's such an idiot, i don't get it. i just don't...arrrggghh!

sometimes when she's telling me to do something, i pretend that i can't understand what the hell she's saying...it's fun...i think it frustrates her when people make fun of her lack of coherence, so i make it seem like it's worse than it actually is...

i hope she gets lots of complaints at the board meeting...lots and lots!! posted at 9:32 PM |  

i am seriously so tired now...ugh...she's so not done with this essay...but uh, how late does she expect me to stay up for her? this is kinda nuts... posted at 1:47 AM |  

working on an essay for my cousin...something tells me i'll be up really, really late tonight - it's a UC, so it's very important to her...she was technically supposed to mail it today but...well, the essay was nowhere near done last night. she had a month to write it, but didn't start until saturday night for some reason...she's apologized profusely, and i can't be mad at her because i know she's stressed, but sometimes i feel like i'm the one who's applying!

alright, i gotta go back to working on it... posted at 12:39 AM |  

i'm so tired...*sigh*...the shower was alright, the games were kinda boring though...and technically, i should have won one of them, but this other girl cheated. whatever, i wouldn't have used the prize anyway...oddly enough, this game was sort of a "how well do you know the bride" type quiz, so i guess i do know her pretty darn well after all...though i had no clue what her favorite color is, and that was the first question! anyway, i think she liked my gift. it got a lot of ooh's and aah's. and it was original compared to what other people bought.

and i guess it was good that i didn't go to the A's game after all since they lost...it's so sad, i was pretty sure they'd make it to the world series this time...at least to the next round of the playoffs...but, oh well...maybe next year.

time for alias! i'm so exited.... posted at 8:58 PM |  

first of all, i just have to get this out of my system:

GO BEARS!!!!!

we haven't beaten washington since 1976 - before i was born! so, i can't tell you how nice it was to finally beat them today...

anyway, so that pretty much made my day. then i went to buy a gift for the bridal shower...i got some scented bath stuff and a matching scented candle and candle-holder...i hope she likes them. it really hit me how strange it is that i really don't know her taste at all...i don't know her favorite color...i don't know what type of gift she'd like...i've only known her for 24+ YEARS!! guess we haven't been *close* friends since we were kids...kinda sad...oh well, i think they're nice though. the only potential problems are that 1) she doesn't have a bathtub in her fiance's apartment (which would probably make it hard for her to use the bath salt), and 2) i don't know if the color of the candle-holder will go with anything in their place. it's small, but it is colorful, so i hope it doesn't totally clash...also, i hope she likes the smell! otherwise, it would be a total waste...

anyway, this is pathetic of me, but i really wish i could stay home and watch the A's game and the 49ers game, which are both on at the same time that the shower starts! i'm sure it'll last 3 hours too...especially if all the guests are on indian-standard time (showing up one hour late).

but i am going to be a good friend and go to the shower...and probably call people to get updates whenever i sneak off for a few minutes... posted at 12:10 AM |  

i might have just done something really stupid, or really good, i can't tell.

i wanted to speak to the manager of my company about the latest lesson - i wasn't going to say anything bad about the bitch or the changes she made, i was just going to casually ask if we were going to have a review meeting before the programmers start working on it. (this is the normal procedure, but we didn't have one this time for some reason and it seemed like they were going to start programming it soon). but, the boss was still in the office after the bitch and others had left. i didn't want him to hear me talking to the manager, because it pisses him off when people don't go to him directly. so...i came home and emailed the manager. just asked if we were having the meeting and said that i have some concerns about the lesson, and that i would feel better about it if someone looked at it objectively before they start programming it.

i hope this was an ok thing to do...really hope it doesn't cause any problems, and that he doesn't go telling other people in the office about it. i don't think he will, but i don't know...he might take it the wrong way...oh well, i don't care. it's done. very unlike me to do something like that, but i just needed to say *something*, you know? and i do feel better now that i did... posted at 7:08 PM |  

more babbling. so much on my mind...

do you think i should stick it out at work until i find out how much money they'll be paying me when i become an actual employee? (november 1) or should i tell them now that i'm not going to be staying? what if i don't find another job within the next month? and that is very likely...should i stay here and feel absolutely miserable, or should i leave when my contract ends regardless of whether i've found another job yet or not? i kinda feel pressured to stay because i know my mom will be upset if i just quit like that...to her, money is the most important matter. she thinks i should put up with the shitty job until i find another one just because of the income...and i totally understand that...i don't want to depend on my parents anymore for money and whatever...but on the other hand, my dad thinks it's so unhealthy for me to be working here because it makes me so depressed and angry and hurt and all that...i was able to handle it until the bitch was hired, but now...it's very hard. i sit there and sulk all day. i don't care about the work i'm doing. i waste most of the day emailing and surfing the web...the people i liked have all quit, so i don't even have anyone to talk to anymore...i'm just so unhappy...i don't know what to do...i think technically, i should give them notice if i'm definitely going to leave at the end of the month, because they'll need to hire someone else. (good luck to that person!) i feel bad for the manager, he's really a great person to work for, and i wish i could work for him under different circumstances...i don't want to pretend i'm staying when i know that i'm not, because it'll make things harder for him when i do leave, you know? i'm totally confused...i thought about maybe waiting until they talk to me about my new contract, but i'm really not sure when they'll do that...*sigh*...ok, i can't stay up all night worrying about this. i just want to find another job soon...why is it so hard??...damn economy...sometimes i wished i would have done what all my friends did after college - go work for a dot com. they are all making so much money, and they're happy...and here i am, with nothing. why do i feel like that's the story of my life? when is my luck going to change? i hate feeling sorry for myself, i know i have a lot to be thankful for...but sometimes i just feel like i've had such bad luck in my life, nothing turning out the way i expect it to...i get excited and i have these expectations, and then i'm just so disappointed when nothing works out the way i imagined it would...

alright, enough. i need to go to sleep now. posted at 1:36 AM |  

i can't find any stamps : (

i know i have some. somewhere. why am i such a mess? i don't like being this way...i want to be organized and neat and clean...and...and...i don't know, in control of my life. i want things to be set. i feel too uneasy these days...unsure of how things will turn out...unsettled...

i'm looking around my room right now and i'm wondering how i managed to get it so messy in a week...*sigh*...

anyway.

shit, i forgot someone's birthday! why am i so forgetful lately??? posted at 11:56 PM |  

i'm so lazy. why am i so lazy?? i don't want to be...sometimes, i just look around the apartment and think of all the things i need to do, and i just don't know where to start...so, i do nothing. say i'll do it over the weekend, but i know i won't...this weekend's going to be busy, as is next weekend...and damn, i don't have anything to wear!! why do i not have any nice clothes? i don't understand...ok, i guess it's because i've gained a lot of weight and i can't fit into anything. and i refuse to buy new clothes because i keep thinking i'll lose weight...but in the back of my mind, i know it's not going to happen...i think i'm past the point where i'm capable of losing weight...

excuse the babbling, i'm tired. i need to pay my bills before i forget. i'll be back. posted at 11:29 PM |  

i'm in one of those moods where i don't feel like going to sleep, even though i am really very tired...*sigh*...i know i have to go to bed though. don't want to sleep through my alarm again (i did sleep through it for about half an hour yesterday) posted at 1:28 AM |  

i think i am sort of handling my anger better...i mean, i got really pissed at work again today, but i didn't start yelling or complaining or anything. just kept my mouth shut and kept telling myself that i'm leaving anyway, so i shouldn't care, and i shouldn't let it affect me negatively...it's their loss, not mine....in general, i've been good this entire week...i think taking monday off really helped in a way...because it calmed me down and made me realize that this job is not my life. nor do i want it to be. i'm trying not to take anything personally anymore. i know that i'm good at what i do, and that's the most important thing...

one thing that really struck me today: the bitch is not a detail-oriented person at all. in this field, it's so important to pay attention to the little things...she just doesn't have that quality though, and it really shows in her work. she took the lesson i had spent the past month or so working on, totally butchered it, and well, aside from the fact that it now sucks, she made all these little mistakes that she shouldn't be making. i swear, sometimes it's like she's the intern...the way she goes about doing the work is so careless. totally different from how i was when i started working on lessons.

i am disappointed that no one will see the work i did...all that time and energy down the drain...i'm also annoyed that she didn't bother to talk to me - or anyone else - about the changes she was making and all the stuff she was throwing out completely...but overall, i didn't dwell on it as much as i normally would have. i also didn't feel as angry or frustrated. i just decided that i would save the work i had done, for myself. part of me just wants someone to look at it and compare it to what she did, and if they think her version is better, i would want to know why...what about her work specifically makes it better than mine?...because i surely don't see it...and if her version is better, i would like to learn something from it. i'm definitely not learning anything from her, because she doesn't explain her reasoning to me. just announces that she's going to do it her way instead and doesn't give me any say in the matter. it's a sucky situation, but she's the one with the problem, not me. and when i leave and my boss stops looking at her work through rose-colored glasses, then we'll see who has the last laugh... posted at 12:09 AM |  

i saw 4 people trying to escape from police tonight...2 separate instances...and both almost caused big accidents. one guy actually spun his car around on the freeway, just off the bay bridge, and started driving in the opposite direction. if i wasn't in total shock, i would have been scared out of my mind since he was coming straight at me for a while. another car spun around and got trapped by 2 police cars. then, somewhere else, two guys jumped out of their car and started running, first in one direction, then when a police car cut them off, they turned around and headed the other direction. one got away, but was then chased by another police car. the other stopped in the middle of the street because the first cop had run after him and had his gun pointed and ready to fire.

it was pretty crazy.

sometimes i forget how unsafe it is here...don't usually see stuff like that, but when i do, it really hits me. posted at 1:32 AM |  

it's really depressing whenever i get one of those evite things and i see like a million names listed...i know if i were to throw a party, i'd hardly have anyone to invite..i guess i value quality over quantity as far as friends are concerned, but still...sometimes i just feel like i don't know enough people...

anyway, a lot of people i knew in college are invited to this party, so i kinda feel like going, but at the same time, it's all the way down in san jose and i gotta go to a bridal shower all the way up in martinez the next morning. and on top of that, i have a relative visiting from new york and that's the only weekend i'll have to spend time with her...and (this sounds horrible) i'd honestly prefer to watch the 49er game instead of going to the bridal shower...which reminds me, i also have to go buy a present sometime this week. any ideas??? should i get some household item she's registered for, or should i get something more personal? if personal, like what? i don't want to get her anything embarrassing because her mom is really conservative...what are some safe bridal shower gifts?? anyone?? posted at 12:10 AM |