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Friday, November 29, 2002
so i went to my dad's for thanksgiving...it was pretty fun actually, lots of random people showed up. but it was definitely more thanksgiving than birthday. which is fine i guess, but i dunno...i could've used a little chocolate cake and some candles to blow out. just for the hell of it. or at least some presents...didn't get any so far : (
well, i got some money from relatives. and my step-mom got me a plant. a plant. hmm...yeah, good luck to that plant. i'm not very good about stuff like that. as in, keeping them alive. i once kept a neighbor's plant for a couple weeks while she was out of town, and the damn thing got like some bacteria growing on it by the time she came back. she had to toss it out. but i digress... um...dinner was good. and the company was good. there were actually a lot of young-ish people there...about 9 people in their 20's. and about 10 older adults - some relatives, some professors. we basically ate and then played a lot of ping pong (my family's obsessed with ping pong), and just talked and laughed a lot (we're really loud). my step-sister was there for a while...i haven't seen her in 2 years, i think. (not because she's far away, she goes to sf state...i just haven't seen her around). anyway, she looks like...well, kinda trashy. i don't know. she had on a lot of really dark make-up, big hoop earrings, a nose ring. and her boyfriend is like 8 years older than she is, total hippie...seemed kinda weird to me. he's a poet, or something. i don't know, whatever. he looks like your typical sf pot-smoking artsy bum to me. but i guess my step-sister is kinda one of those people too. i was confused/surprised when she transferred from berkeley to sf state, but i guess it makes sense in some weird way. anyway...it was an enjoyable thanksgiving, took my mind off of stuff. and i didn't get too depressed about the birthday (probably because it didn't feel like it was my birthday). before i go, big thanks to dan for the greeting...it was pretty fitting, seeing as how i didn't get any birthday cake tonight! : ) 
Thursday, November 28, 2002
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
i hate it when i'm all excited about going out to eat at a particular restaurant, and then the food ends up being bad.
ok, it wasn't bad bad, but it just wasn't as good as it normally is...so i was slightly disappointed... hopefully thanksgiving dinner will be better...it should be better since my dad is cooking...but damn, i don't know about eating dinner at 4:30. even if i skip lunch, i really wouldn't have much of an appetite until 7 or so...i haven't done the thanksgiving meal thing in...oh...4-5 years at least i'd guess...possibly longer...not much of a turkey fan... anyway, i hope everyone has a good thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
i'm so tired today. can't wait for this long weekend...don't really have much planned, but i honestly just want to rest and clear my mind a bit...
i gotta meet with my boss tomorrow about the other project i'm going to be working on...i looked at it for a little while today, seems pretty cool. it's partially in spanish, so i was surprised how much i understood based on whatever i remember from high school...it kinda made me laugh sometimes - like whenever i'd answer a question right, i'd get a message like "bueno!" or "estupendo!" or "que inteligente!"...stuff like that...anyway, this project should keep me busy until january. i think the bitch is a little ticked off, she overheard my boss saying some nice things about me yesterday...about how he has confidence in me and wants to hear my ideas...(unlike certain other people in the office...) she can kiss my ass though. her latest lesson absolutely sucks. i feel sorry for the students who are going to be using it. and i also kinda wish i hadn't given her some of my ideas, because without them it would suck even more...i know, i'm biased, but the board members leave comments online about what they like and don't like, and the one activity i put in was the only one that got major compliments...i felt good about that, although i am a little bitter that she'll get all the credit for it... whatever...i'm trying my best to just ignore her and focus on this new project as much as i can...i'm really optimistic about it, hoping that it'll give me some of the motivation i've been lacking lately...
i actually had a lot that i wanted to write about tonight, but i didn't know where to start - and now it's 2 am. i should go to bed soon.
*sigh* sometimes i really struggle with trying to express what i'm thinking and feeling...sometimes, i just don't bother trying because all that matters is that i know what i'm talking about, even when i can't find the words...but sometimes, i feel like maybe i should explain some things... see...i have this one friend who listens to completely different music than i do, and she's offered to come to a concert of my choice. i have this one friend who doesn't understand a thing about football, and she's come to some games with me. i have a friend who doesn't touch alcohol, and she's been willing to go to bars with me. i could list other examples too, but you get the picture. i love them for doing those things, for offering to get bored in order to spend time with me. i'm happy to have them as friends, i truly am. however... sometimes, it's just more fun to go to a concert with someone else who actually knows and likes the music...and sometimes, i just want to go to a game with someone who'll yell their heart out and make a fool of themselves like i do...and as for drinking - i never drink alone. only like to get silly drunk in the company of others who are doing the same. sometimes i want to go to a weird little foreign film with someone who can appreciate it, not someone who'd rather be at a hollywood blockbuster. sometimes, i want to enjoy berkeley because i know i'll miss it when i leave - but i want to do it with someone else who loves the berkeleyness as much as i do, not someone who has horrible memories of finals and projects and late nights in soda hall... so that is why i get frustrated and feel lonely sometimes...one reason at least... anyway...i like hanging out with friends despite having different interests, or different personalities altogether...and i don't think it's necessary for people to have stuff in common in order to become friends...but there are times when i feel like something's missing. some sort of companionship or something...i don't know... arrgghhh...ok, it's 2:30 now. i don't know how it took me so long to write this, i don't even feel like i've scraped the surface of what i want to say...but that's about the best i can do this late at night.
Monday, November 25, 2002
i went up to campus for 10 minutes today to see the axe rally...i wasn't planning on doing that, but when the time came, it hit me - what if this is the only chance i'll have?!?! we never won it while i was an undergrad...and what are the chances that i'll be working in berkeley the next time we win it? so i ran up there around noon, and my camera was still in my backpack so i got to take pics! oski looked like he was humping the axe at one point. pretty hillarious. oh, and then they started to parade it through campus...i couldn't follow it for long, but i saw them go into dwinelle chanting "bear territory" - very cool. it made me happy. hope no one was taking a midterm in there though, cuz it was kinda loud. you hear it, milly? i don't know where they went after that, i had to go back to work : (
would have liked to march with them through campus...seemed like fun...
Sunday, November 24, 2002
i'm not sure how to start this entry, but there are a few things i need to get off my chest...
basically, i hope you all understand that this is a place for me to be honest about how i feel and what i'm thinking at any given moment. i'm not always proud of what i write. i don't always like how i come off. but it really doesn't matter to me what other people think of me when they read this. i know that i may sound like "oh, poor me" sometimes, and maybe some of you are thinking "why doesn't she just stop complaining and go ____?" well, there are reasons why i don't. maybe they're not always good reasons, but that's not what matters. sometimes that's just how i'm feeling, and this is the only place where i would dare to admit it. this is the only place where i feel like i can be pathetic, where i can whine, where i can complain about certain people or things... i know that sometimes i feel selfish, and sometimes i feel weak, and sometimes i feel helpless. i'm human. i have faults. i make mistakes. i'm not always capable of being the person i want to be. i'm not always capable of doing things that i know i should do. i'm not always the best person to have for a friend. but i do try the best i can. although sometimes i may complain about people, if i know that they care about me, i can look past all that and remain friends with them. and that's all i expect in return. anyway. my readers can think whatever they want to think - it doesn't matter to me. i'm only keeping this blog for myself, and i write a lot of things in here that i can't say to most people, or that i don't want them to know about. but at the same time, it's also not a full picture of who i am. if you form opinions on me based on what you read here, you're really missing a lot...i mean, there are reasons behind some things that i don't fully explain or expand on here. and without knowing those reasons, you can't really understand why i am the way i am. also, a lot of the things i write in here are temporary, how i'm feeling on a certain day and time. those feelings don't always last - some go away within a couple hours after i write about them. sometimes i look back at things that i've written, and they surprise me...i really felt that way?...it's really just so spur-of-the-moment sometimes. random things that go through my head. sometimes i want to take them back later, but i don't. i like the fact that i can just say anything here. that i can just be myself and expose my faults and not be ashamed. that's a lot more important to me than what people who are reading this may think.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
i feel the need to go out and get wasted tonight. to be out in berkeley and enjoy the post-game celebrations...people are going nuts here, and i want to be a part of it, damnit!. but i'm just sitting here alone...all this excitement and energy being wasted...*sigh*...now more than ever, i feel weird being back here. all my college friends have gone off to various places...no one i know lives in berkeley anymore, and many don't even come to visit or to hang out. it's sad...
but anyway... the game was a lot of fun. the crowd was large and loud, there was no way we could lose. everyone was just so pumped up from the beginning...my throat is so sore right now from all the yelling...7 years of built-up frustration and disappointment, anger and sadness...it all disappeared. we just knew this was the year. many students were heading down to the field with about a minute left! just couldn't wait...when there were about 11 seconds left, the refs just gave up because frankly, there were so many of us running down there by then. i made it down there too, trying to take pictures along the way (i have absolutely no idea how they'll turn out, i just lifted my camera up above my head and clicked). unfortunately, i was stuck in the middle of the field, surrounded by tall people, and couldn't see anything! i didn't even see the axe! heck, i didn't even know the axe had been brought on the field. i did see the goal posts come down though. first time i've seen that at berkeley! they were carried down bancroft and onto campus, a completely spontaneous parade... and now...well, there are a lot of very happy people in berkeley tonight. and soon there will be a lot of very drunk people in berkeley tonight : )
YEAH, BABY!!!!!!!!!
i've waited 7 years - 7 long years - for this...i have no words. it just feels so good to win!!!
Friday, November 22, 2002
i hate it so much when people cancel at the last minute. especially if there's something specific we were planning on going to...i mean, it wouldn't be a big deal if we were just going to dinner or a movie or something. but the bonfire is special to me. it's a once-a-year thing, that i haven't been to in 3 years. and this is also the 20th anniversary of the play, so they're planning something special for that...it just really sucks to have to miss it. i'm pissed. and i don't feel like going alone, because that's just depressing.
so to add one more thing to the list of things i want in life: someone willing to attend any cal-related events with me.
totally random question, but is it normal for guys to stay in contact with ex-girfriends who they had bad break-ups with? i don't mean a bad break-up in the sense that it was a hard decision and hearts were broken and what not, i mean bad as in hate-filled with a lot of arguing and name-calling...i just think it's weird that sean still emails his ex. i mean, he's friends with a lot of his ex-girlfriends, but this one...i don't know, i don't understand it. for a long time after they broke up, he kept telling me how much he hated her, called her a c--t, etc. several times. but whenever he sends email forwards, her address is almost always there. i didn't really think much of it most of the time, he sends out a lot of political stuff and there are usually a lot of people on his mailing list, probably just never took her address off. but like, today he sent a forward to only 5-6 people. it wasn't political, just one of those things you send to friends...and yup, her name was on it.
i don't know why it bothers me. i just think it's weird, i guess. i don't know if he sends her any personal emails. but even if it's just the forwards...why?? i just don't get it...if he hates her so much, why isn't he totally out of her life? why isn't he pretending that she doesn't exist? i kinda wonder what the deal is between them...do they talk? do they see each other? i'm not paranoid, just nosy. it's probably none of my business, but i just want to know...
Thursday, November 21, 2002
i got email from nick today...he wished me happy birthday in advance, such a sweetheart for remembering. considering how rarely i hear from him, it's nice to know that he was thinking about me. plus he always says something silly that puts a smile on my face.
unfortunately i'm not too happy about my approaching birthday. it's on thanksgiving this year. so i probably have to spend it with one of my parents. i know that i'm going to be feeling a little depressed, as i often am on my birthday, but i'd much prefer to be alone and depressed than to be surrounded by family and have to pretend that i'm ok. it just makes it harder on me. i don't know. i feel pathetic.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
work was super boring today, as i expected...and it'll be just as boring tomorrow and friday...oh well, i'll probably cut out early. i got in at 10:30 today and left at 5:30. i don't think anyone cares. other people left well before i did, and they didn't get in much earlier...but at least they have work to do...me, i just sit there all day, trying to keep myself busy (or at least look like i am).
i *might* get to work on another project next week. i'm trying not to get my hopes up too much because my boss sometimes mentions things that he wants me to work on and then later forgets all about them. but assuming he does remember, i'm really looking forward to it. it'll be a nice change. and i really like this project a lot more than the company's main project. the best part is, the bitch isn't involved!!! yay!!!
i don't feel too well. can't tell if it's due to lack of sleep, or if i'm getting sick. i feel really exhausted though...better go to bed soon...
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
another crappy day at work...but at least the bitch is going to be out of town for the rest of the week. it'll be so much quieter in the office. she was giving me such a headache today...definitely too much caffeine in her little body...
anyway, i was supposed to go to this thing on campus tonight, but the person i was going with called me at around 6 and said she wasn't coming. she's sick, so i understand. but it was very dissapointing...i mean, the only way i got through the day was thinking about how much fun i would have tonight. and then she called me so late that i didn't even have time to ask anyone else! i hate it when people do that...i mean, if you're sick, tell me when you first realize it, not half an hour before i'm supposed to meet you!! uuuggghhh!! i don't mean to overreact...i'm not really mad at her, but i just wanted to go...it's big game week, but honestly it doesn't feel like it at all. i'm usually so excited this time of year...and i've missed it for the past 2 years while i was in michigan...so, i don't know, i just wanted to get back into the spirit of things. it's not as easy when i'm stuck in the office instead of on campus...so yeah, i was really looking forward to this particular big game tradition because it was just one of those things that made me happy when i was in college. put a smile on my face no matter how stressed i was or how many problems i was having...i'm just cheezy like that...*sigh* hopefully i can find someone to go to the bonfire with me...
Monday, November 18, 2002
blah. what a terrible weekend. not what i needed after a terrible week at work...and now i have to prepare for another one...
you know, i kinda wish they would just fire me so at least i could collect unemployment...
Sunday, November 17, 2002
Saturday, November 16, 2002
i thought i had gotten all the tears out of my system yesterday evening, but i was wrong...started bawling at like 2 AM last night...finally went to sleep around 3. i think i'm ok now though. better anyway.
cal's playing like shit though.
Friday, November 15, 2002
i'm not even going to the football game tomorrow, so i can't rely on that to cheer me up...tried asking like 20 people, and no one will go with me : (
i am thisclose to quitting my job. i know i can't...i know i shouldn't anyway...but it's reached the point where i'm crying as i'm walking back home. definitely not healthy.
i don't know what to do, how to be stong enough to stick it out...how to just let things slide rather than getting insulted or angry... i'm just so completely miserable over there. everything i try to do to make it better just ends up blowing up in my face. it's depressing, and it's wearing me out emotionally. i'm not the type to burst into tears out in the middle of the street. so why did it happen today? i don't know. i've just had enough of this crap, i guess... i need to go cry some more.
Thursday, November 14, 2002
had another one of those days at work...was ready to walk out of there and never go back...the boredom was just getting to me i guess. you know what? i feel like i've been demoted. even though i got a raise, the work i've been doing lately is...well, much less important. it's basically all the tedious stuff that the bitch doesn't want to do since there are so many more important things she needs to do...oh, and there was this one thing that she and i were supposed to do together, but she just did it herself. anyway, so i've been doing this boring and mindless stuff all week and it's really starting to get to me. i don't mind doing this stuff for 1-2 hours a day, or whenever i need a break from other work. but now it seems like this is my primary responsibility...it just sucks, you know?
and when i get frustrated, i have much less tolerance for the bitch. yelled at her again today. it's embarrassing that everyone in the office hears our arguments...i'm sure they take her side too, since they don't know what the hell is going on. i couldn't help it, i just got so pissed at her stupidity! and at the ridiculous stuff she's ordering me to do! who the fuck does she think she is?!?! ok, she's my manager. whatever - i just refuse to let her manage me. so there. take that. i really don't want to go back there, but i know i have to...why doesn't anyone else want me??? it's so depressing...
i feel like blogging, but i also don't...i don't know what to say. i don't know how to express what's bothering me. i've just been so down today. one of those "i need chocolate" days for me...
i just want a new job. and i want to feel less lonely. and...i don't know...i want to get away for a while.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
i gotta complain about work again...first of all, there's the whole cubicle issue. i'm supposed to share a cubicle with the bitch. why, i don't know. it's not like she wants to work together or anything.
anyway, so far, i've avoided it at much as possible. (i sit in a more open area in the back) but, she's starting to bug me about it. she sent me a HUGE email yesterday evening basically telling me to move in this morning, before she got to work. fuck that. i stayed in the back. i just didn't like the tone in which she was telling me to do shit. i emailed her back and said that as long as the computers in the back are there and available for use, that i would prefer to work back there. i told her the cubicle gets too stuffy. couldn't think of a good excuse...i want to be as far away from you as possible? i don't want to be forced to hear your annoying nasally voice? or your cackel-laugh? it's bad enough from this far away...trust me... she didn't say anything about it. i'm sure she went to this other guy and complained to him about it. whatever, i don't care. anyway, issue #2: about a month ago, i noticed that there were all these problems with the lesson she did. but she didn't really give me an opportunity to point out those problems. she just wanted everything done her way, wasn't about to hear any of my suggestions or complaints...so, that was when i emailed the manager. told him there were problems and i wanted to either have a meeting to discuss the lesson with other people, or that i would like to sit with him alone and talk to him about them. but when he did talk to me, he just said i had to "trust" her, that she had a lot of experience and knew what she was doing. (bullshit) so, we never had a meeting to go over the lesson, and in the meanwhile all the graphics got done and it's all programmed and ready to go...i was looking through it last week for bugs, still thinking to myself what a crappy lesson it is, and how if i were a student going through the lesson, i'd still not know how to do what it was teaching. anyway, so it's getting down to crunch time now since we have to burn a cd soon, and late today, she comes to me and says "you have to help me fix this...". she just now realized all those problems i was thinking about way, way, way back...i swear, she's such an idiot. we went through and made some changes, but it still sucks. and because it's so late in the process, it's going to be a pain for the programmer to re-do the parts we changed...she's just so self-centered, doesn't realize that it's so much harder for the programmers to fix things now than it would have been for her to fix them in the storyboards... oh, oh, one of the programmers flicked her off today! that made me so happy. this programmer is kinda cruel at times, but mostly in fun. like, she'll jokingly give the finger to another programmer when they're messing around. but when she did it to the bitch today, she did it to her back. i think i was the only person who saw it. she seemed really, truly annoyed...god, i was so relieved to know that i wasn't the only one... anyway, the point is, she causes a lot of headaches for them. and she'd probably cause even more if i wasn't there to point out some problems to the programmers before they started... i'm so looking forward to leaving this job...
i really shouldn't apply to jobs late at night...i just noticed that i left out an "of" in a sentence in one of the cover letters i recently sent out. and it's funny because i wrote about how i'm really detail-oriented...hmm, well not so much at 2 AM, which is probably when i proofread the damn thing...
Monday, November 11, 2002
i'm feeling much better now. not so sure how i'll feel in the morning, but for now the tylenol's helping...
and i did talk to sean, just for a few minutes. he probably thinks i'm weird, but i just wanted to know how he was doing. i worry about him.
i feel like i'm getting sick again : (
but i was just sick a couple weeks ago! it's too soon to get sick again. i seriously only think i had 1 or 2 colds the entire time i was in michigan...but i suppose i wasn't exposed to all these office germs...i hate it when people come to work sick. i know they have stuff they need to get done, but must they go around coughing and touching door-knobs and stuff??? i'm going to take some vitamin C right now, see if i can still fight this thing off. i admit, i didn't eat my normal amout of fruits and veggies last week. gotta make up for it. anyway...sean finally wrote back. didn't say much though. just that he's depressed, as i assumed he would be. i want to call him, but i know he probably doesn't feel like talking...
Sunday, November 10, 2002
i have no idea how cal managed to win today, but...wow! that's all i can say. asu's qb is really good. how we scored so many more points than they did, i don't know...
anyway, does anyone want to come to the game with me next saturday? cal vs arizona...i have an extra ticket but can't find anyone to go with me. any bay area people interested? it'll be fun!!
Saturday, November 09, 2002
i intended on cleaning my room tonight, but instead i've just been procrastinating...it's such a mess though. beyond the normal messiness.
anyway...so houston. it was alright. not as much fun as last time. and i think 4 days was too long. but it wasn't bad. better than going to work...we got there saturday afternoon, and went to my cousin's engagement party that evening...his fiance is gujrati, so this party was really different from my other friend's more punjabi-ish parties. i'm not either, so it's all weird to me. but anyway, i hung out with my other cousins and my aunt from california, and we just got bored and made fun of how boring the party was. got drunk and started to gossip. but hey, at least i didn't have to bhangra. anyway, so we came back around 2 or 3 AM, then stayed up for another hour or so while they opened presents. mostly glass bowls. it became a joke after a while...what do you think is in this box? hmm...i think it's a glass bowl! no matter how big or small some of those boxes were, 90% of them ended up being glass bowls, or mikasa something or other. so indian. the next morning...well, actually i slept in until afternoon...anyway, it was pouring outside and we were all being lazy. me especially. i plopped myself on the sofa and don't think i got up until the shower was free - say around 6 or 7 in the evening. my dad was trying to teach my cousin how to cook. they made dinner...then a few of us went out to a movie at night. monday was diwali...for some reason i have no idea how the whole day passed, i probably slept a lot again...and we went to the mall because it was still raining...then came back and played cards (annoying indian card game that my dad's side is totally obsessed with, but that i still don't really understand too well, and don't care enough to learn, but i get forced to play anyway). i got really tired and took a nap, then we ate dinner and did pooja and all that. my uncle had actually put up lights and lit a bunch of candles and stuff...then he and my dad tried to tell my ABCD cousins a condensed version of the ramayana. it was pretty hillarious. not the story, but how they were telling it. and how confused my cousins were. (i guess i'm the only one who's read the book...and the comics when i was a kid : ) oh, and i got $$ of course. most of us stayed up really, really late...then after everyone else finally went to sleep, me and my other 2 cousins from california stayed up yapping until about 5 AM. but they had to leave for the airport at 6 AM. (don't know why they bothered to go to sleep for half an hour). me, i slept until noon. we went to some lake for lunch, then my other cousin took off, then finally i left... i left out a lot of stuff, but i'm tired now and don't feel like going into detail. i really should go do something productive, at least pick up all the clothes off the floor...
Friday, November 08, 2002
just watched the graduate for the 10th time...ok, i don't think i've actually seen it that many times, but i'm fairly certain that it's at least the 2nd or 3rd time i've blogged about watching it...i just like the music. and that scene where he drives on the top deck of the bay bridge and ends up in berkeley. oh, and the berkeley zoo! that's funny. no zoo in berkeley as far as i know...and i can't really recognize any of the campus. just moe's books and that one frat house. but anyway...it's a cute movie.
my electricity went out around 8:30 last night...it was so boring, sitting here all alone with no TV, no computer, no stereo...i lit some candles, but there really wasn't enough light to read. so i talked on the phone for a little while, then just went to bed. the power didn't come back on until almost 5 AM.
i could have really used a roommate last night. i have trouble keeping myself entertained...
Thursday, November 07, 2002
meant to blog more tonight, but i'm tired now. and all of a sudden, i feel a bit uneasy in my tummy...
it's pouring outside. walking to work tomorrow is gonna be fun...especially since i don't have a good jacket here - they're all at my mom's, i just haven't gotten around to bringing them to my place yet...probably because i wasn't expecting a big storm this early...luckily, i bought a new umbrella just before i went to houston (it was pouring there). that'll come in handy tomorrow... anyway, there's something about cold, stormy nights like this...just want to cuddle in bed with someone...
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
haven't been able to get a hold of sean...i'm kinda curious what's going on...don't know what his situation is now...*sigh*...
oh and i ran into my evil, evil, evil ex-roommate today. well, i don't think she noticed me, but still. it brought back bad memories to see her. she came into a cafe where i was eating lunch. seems like she's a regular there - great, i'll probably see her there again sometime. i left within 2 seconds. just didn't want to be in the same room with her. anyway, i gotta figure out what to eat for dinner now...will write about the houston trip later...
i'm back...and i'm tired and starving...
i'm glad to see that davis won the election...but disappointed about the house and senate...and sean's candidate lost, so i think he's out of a job now...i feel really bad for him, wanted this to work out so much. i was pretty upset when i saw the results, so i can't imagine how down he's feeling now, after all the hard work he put into the campaign...i want to call him and see how he's doing, but i really don't know what to say...he's been working his ass off, and now he's got nothing to show for it...it just sucks.
Friday, November 01, 2002
i'm off to houston for a few days...going to my cousin's engagement party tomorrow night, and staying there for diwali...i'll be back tuesday night.
must go pack now...i hate it when i always wait until the last minute! i gotta be up by 6 AM tomorrow - yikes!
it's officially november...and so begins the depression associated with my approaching birthday...
alright, i've got 4 weeks until then, but still...my life is definitely not what i expected it would be by the time i was 25.
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