i don't really know what to say. just feeling blah. i need a new job. i just can't take it here much longer.

nothing bad happened today, but it's just an utterly depressing place for me to work. i don't know how to explain it. aside from the issues i have with some of the people there, i just don't like what i'm doing. i don't like the general style of what the company creates. it's very boring, and its not exactly providing good instruction either. in general, it's nothing like what i expected i'd be doing. and because i'm not really proud of the end-products that my company produces, i'm not motivated. i don't look at their stuff and think "wow! this is so great...i'd totally use this if i were a teacher" - and that's the feeling i so desperately want to have. i want to work somewhere where i will be proud of the stuff i help create. that's why i got into this field in the first place, you know?

i went to the website of a former professor's company the other night. read about some of their projects, and got jealous. because they're doing the type of stuff i want to be doing...and i know that professor gave jobs to a bunch of her students...this was 1 semester after i graduated. i've tried to contact her several times - in general, she's really bad about replying to email and messages and such. but i keep looking back and thinking i should have been more persistent. i should have bugged the HELL out of her during my last semester at michigan. she wasn't exactly around much...spent most of her time in chicago, where her company is...but i should have tried harder somehow...

anyway...what bugs me is that i know there are probably a bunch of small companies like hers that i would love to work for, but they are so impossible to find...if they're not posting on hotjobs or monster, and if they're not listed in a yahoo directory, then how on earth can people like me find out about them?!?! google searches are just about impossible. aaaaarrrrgggghh. i don't know what i'm supposed to do, i just don't. posted at 10:34 PM |  

i'm feeling so lonely today...i hate it. i've just been moping around since i got back this evening...when this feeling hits, it hits really hard. i don't even know what brought it on...a number of things, probably.

*sigh*

i need to find something to keep myself busy with so i don't dwell on this all night...or maybe i'll take a long shower. that might be good right now. posted at 10:14 PM |  

before i left work yesterday, i sent an email to the grad student i'm working with, just to tell her about my boss's reaction. she sent me a really nice reply this morning. basically said that i shouldn't feel down about it, that she really liked what i did and that she would have done the same thing if she were in my place (basing it on the previous lessons). so, that made me feel better. it's good to work with nice people like her...(as opposed to the bitch). posted at 6:56 PM |  

so frustrated...and upset with myself really, because i should have known better...

where to start?

um...some background first, so you'll better understand why i'm so frustrated: ok, so, if you'll recall, i had been put on this other project at work. basically, 2 lessons for this project were done about a year ago, somewhere else, by someone who's not involved in the project anymore. our company recently got funding to put those lessons into our environment (so that it could be web-based rather than run from CD's). so, that's what the programmers have been working on. my first task was to essentially make a short little lesson 0 - an intro/tour that students would use first to help them get familiar with the environment, how to navigate through it, what all the buttons do, etc. fine, i did that. no problems, the programmers are about finished with it.

my next task was lesson 3. i was supposedly going to co-design it with my boss. he gave me the impression that we would be doing this together. that's what co-design means right? well, my boss was never around. then, at one point, he said i would be co-designing the lesson with one of his grad students. fine. so, i met with that student, and we determined what the lesson should cover. i double-checked with my boss first to make sure it was ok. made a really detailed outline, sent it off to everyone, showed it to my boss. everything's fine. boss liked it. i didn't get any suggestions or anything. so, i went ahead and started laying it out based on that outline, and also modeled after lessons 1 and 2. that's really all i had to go on...and it would be weird if lesson 3 had a totally different style from lessons 1 and 2, right? i mean, i assumed 1 and 2 were done a certain way for a reason, so i used them as my guide. i kept getting feedback and suggestions from some grad students too, made changes based on that. my boss occasionally passed by my computer and said "i like that" without really even knowing what i was doing. he never asked, he never checked in to see what exactly i was doing. nothing.

(by the way, sometime during all this, he told me i would re-do parts of lessons 1 and 2. but this was confusing to me because they were already in the middle of being programmed. i asked one of the programmers what had higher priority, and i got the impression that i couldn't really do much with 1 and 2 until after they were programmed, so i should stick to 3 for now.)

ok, so...fast-forward to today. i was pretty much done with lesson 3, and my boss was sitting in his cubicle, so i went over to him and asked if he had a few minutes to take a look at what i did. so he came over, and was almost immediately disappointed. it got off to a very bad start. on the first page, i was basically trying to do a quick review of what they should have learned in the previous lesson. (the first page of lesson 2 does a quick re-cap of lesson 1, so that's why i did this). and, i did it the same way that it was done in lesson 2. i didn't see anything wrong with that...but my boss immediately started bitching, because he didn't like the way that particular thing was done in lesson 2. well...uh...wish he had told me that earlier?? seeing as how the entire lesson was based on that??

oh, and when i tried explaining to him that i had based it on the earlier lessons, he started asking me if i had re-done them already. what? was i supposed to do that first? i don't know, because no one ever told me clearly what i was supposed to and when i was supposed to do it!!!

anyway, it just went downhill after that. my boss is only happy when there are things to "play" with. things to drag around the screen. things that change colors. he's really into stuff like that. i know this about him. and yet, i didn't provide much to play with in this lesson. so...i was basically upset with myself because i should have known that he wouldn't be happy with what i did. the thing is, lessons 1 and 2 really don't have anything to play with at all. they're very visual, but not as interactive as my boss likes. and since those lessons were all i had to go on, lesson 3 turned out a little like them in that sense. it is a bit more interactive and less boring, but the language, activities, and representations are very similar...

*sigh*...so, my boss was upset. he didn't yell at me, but he was really disappointed in me. i could tell. and that made me feel bad. i just wish he would have sat down with me earlier and told me what he didn't like about the previous lessons...i wish he would have told me what he wanted to see in this lesson...i think i had some false sense of security because the grad students i'm working with were really happy with how it turned out...*sigh*...feelin stupid now...i really should have seen this coming.

i mean, it's not like i didn't have ideas on how to make the lesson interactive, it's just that i was aiming for as few potentially confusing elements as possible. once, i suggested a "drag stuff around" type of activity to the grad student, but she told me that she thought the kids wouldn't understand what to do. and i agreed with her. but now...i guess i have to try to think of some very simple activities that would both please my boss and not confuse the kids...i have some ideas bouncing my head already, but i just wish i had thought of them earlier...would have made life easier if i had really impressed him today, rather than disspointed the hell out of him. that was depressing. just depressing...

and moreover, i'm really disappointed in myself right now. that's never a good feeling.

on the bright side, at least i have something to do at work for the next couple days...revising! posted at 12:14 AM |  

bad day...*sigh*...i'll be back to vent in a little while. posted at 6:57 PM |  

i think i should avoid red wine. i don't handle it very well. my heart is beating so fast night now. slooooowww down damnit. i'm not doing anything, just sitting here....*sigh*...i hope this doesn't keep me up all night. posted at 9:51 PM |  

was about to go to bed, but the upstairs people started walking around and i know i'm going to just lie in bed waiting for them to finish...so...might as well stay up instead.

sometimes i wonder what it is they're doing that makes so much noise. sometimes it's just walking or flushing the toilet or whatever. but other times, it sounds like they're dropping bricks on the floor, just to torment me. whatever it is, why can't they do it all at say, midnight, instead of 1:30. why do they insist on waiting until i am in bed. seriously, they are so quiet sometimes, right until the moment i lie down. that's when they wake up. so weird...i know it's not their fault this building has the thinnest walls (and floors/ceilings for that matter), but i mean...when they walk a certain way, my whole apartment shakes. it's actually woken me up several times.

oh, and they play a lot of video games. why in the bedroom, i ask? why can't they do that in the living room instead? i don't understand. recently i've heard them blast indian music. as far as i know, no one in that apartment is indian...so that's odd.

and yes, i have tried going up there, but no one ever answers...

honestly, i just want to move. i'm sick of living here. but i don't want to move until i find a new job. it's such a pain... posted at 1:28 AM |  

i hardly got any sleep last night...and not because of my upstairs neighbors, they were actually quiet...it was just me lying there, unable to relax. i don't know what got me so wound up. maybe it was just the thought of going back to work today... posted at 7:15 PM |  

on a lighter note, alias did not disappoint. i mean, holy shit - that show is just incredible. i have no idea why it started at 8:42 or some random time like that, i missed the first few minutes because i wasn't expecting it to be on until 9. but anyway, i was pretty astounded at the end. it just continues to get more and more interesting. unrealistic, yes. but who cares? it's damn entertaining. if you've never seen it, well, you'd probably get too confused if you tried to start now. but it's worth a shot, in my opinion. posted at 10:06 PM |  

damnit, i hate oakland sometimes. apparently people are throwing rocks and setting cars on fire. and the neighborhood that it's happening in - i used to volunteer at a place there. i got to know some kids who live around there. it's just not cool...not cool at all...i can't tell you how much shit like this makes my blood boil. and the fact that this is the second weekend in a row that this has happened...it's just pathetic. the police said they were going to be more prepared and "proactive" this time - well, guess what? doesn't look like it worked. posted at 9:54 PM |  

one thing i really don't understand - why do some people feel the need to go destroy stuff after a big game? it's just ridiculous. after a win, fine, go celebrate. go in the streets, blast music, honk your horns, whatever. but don't mess up other people's cars, don't break into businesses and steal stuff, don't smash things to pieces just for the hell of it. and after a loss...well, go sulk or something. just go home. we don't need you out in the street causing problems. you know, they're actually using tear gas in oakland right now. and honestly, if the raiders had won, things might have been much worse. it's sad. i just don't understand it at all... posted at 8:25 PM |  

i was kinda rooting for the raiders, but i'm really not surprised they lost. the bucs are just so fast...especially on defense...just outstanding. and besides, i like jon gruden. he's the main reason i cheered on the raiders up through last year. (when technically, they should have gone to the superbowl if not for that stupid tuck rule).

anyway...on to more exciting stuff...i can't wait to see alias tonight! should be a really good episode...i wonder what's going to happen... posted at 7:33 PM |  

i feel like i'm starting to get sick...was ok this morning, but then sometime this afternoon, it hit me again. the weather was absolutely perfect for wandering around sf though. definitely one of those days for being thankful that i'm in california now and not michigan : )

anyway...i'm debating on whether or not to go to a superbowl party tomorrow. i want to go, but i also want to mope around and get some much needed rest...i'll see how i feel in the morning i guess. posted at 10:47 PM |  

ok...the weirdest thing just happened...i didn't have internet explorer open or anything, but i got some sort of pop-up add. totally out of the blue. i have no idea where it came from. computers are just getting scary. posted at 1:33 AM |  

why is it that the bitch can get away with working only 5 hours a day, while i feel the need to stay for at least 7...and even that i feel slightly guilty about...but i only left early because i didn't really have any work to do. the bitch, on the other hand, has a ton of shit to do. it's not fair. i know she claims to do some work at home, but that's bullshit. if it were true, she would have gotten a lot more done by now.

ok...just getting that out of my system so i can enjoy the weekend. it's supposed to be nice out tomorrow, i think. i'm going to sf to visit a friend, so i hope it's nice out. i was starting to feel sick this afternoon...got the chills and some general uneasiness...i feel ok now though. maybe i was just sick of being at work? it's so damn cold in that office sometimes...i want to bring in a blanket. but then i would fall asleep, for sure. took a little nap at my desk today. was trying to be dicreet about it, but i'm sure people saw me nodding off...oh well. what can i do? i was bored and tired. it's been a long week, considering that we had monday off...anyway...it's over now...time to relax... posted at 6:38 PM |  

ack...past 12:30 already?...damn the internet. so easy to mess around for an hour without knowing it...i'm going to get ready for bed now...aiming for 12:45... posted at 12:34 AM |  

ok, my goal is to be in bed by 12:30 tonight...we'll see how i do...

whether or not i'll actually be able to fall asleep then is another issue. but i figure if i'm physically in bed and the lights are off, then i'm halfway there. just have to hope the people upstairs won't be blasting music or running around too much. posted at 11:36 PM |  

i finally got some feedback on the lesson i've been working on...it was mostly over the phone with a stanfurd grad student, but it was nice to know that what i've done so far is on the right track. i was concerned because the previous two lessons were designed by someone else, and they are so much simpler than mine...introduce one idea, then give the students 10 million examples of that same idea. might change the jellybeans to gumballs or to socks, but it's still the same question, you know? the lesson i designed, on the other hand...well, it has several topics. maybe 2-3 examples of each. there's just a lot of new material in it, and a lot of small details...i was worried that it was maybe too much. but today, i found out that the kids who used the old lessons got really bored with it because it was too easy, and essentially, the same question was being asked over and over. so, maybe what i did is ok after all. i don't know. i don't think there's anything too hard in it, i just think it's teaching a lot more stuff.

what bugs me is that i have no idea when i'm supposed to be done with it, and i don't know what other things i need to take care of...people are so damn disorganized. my boss was supposed to be working on this with me, and he hasn't even looked at it! i had to practically force him to look at the outline a couple weeks ago...and all he said was that it was good. no suggestions. no help. sometimes he sees something on my screen and says "i see what you're doing - i like that!" - when in fact, what he thinks i'm doing may very well be totally different from what i actually am doing...(this is a problem we have with him on a regular basis).

it's frustrating to work someplace that is so disorganized. i end up doing half the bitch's work for her, but no one knows! i get no credit for it because everyone thinks she's doing it! it's so unfair...i hate to whine, but damnit...i want someone (other than myself) to know exactly what i'm doing. i crave the recognition. it's one thing i really miss about school...there's just something about seeing an A next to your name...how cool is that feeling? well, imagine that a C-student (and a bratty one at that) cheated off of you to get an A+, and then you yourself didn't even get a grade because the teacher didn't know you were in the class! how shitty is that? that's how i feel at work sometimes. every single time i hear someone say "this is really good" and they have no clue that it was my work...man, it just kills me.

sorry, got off track for a while there...anyway...my point was that i'm really, really determined to do a kick-ass job on this lesson that i'm working on now, especially since the bitch is not involved in it at all. i'm so happy that people will see this lesson and know that it was all my work... posted at 11:25 PM |  

ever have one of those "ugly" days? as in, one of those days where you look in the mirror and think to yourself "damn - i look like shit today." well, today's been one of those days for me. so...i just took a long shower and washed my hair and did some long-overdue eyebrow tweezing. feel a little better...but still, something isn't right.

overall, i feel like i'm not really taking good care of myself anymore...i'm not getting enough exercise, i'm not eating right, i'm not getting enough sleep...and little things too - not putting conditioner in my hair, not using my sonicare toothbrush, not putting stuff on my face when i break out, not plucking my eyebrows, etc. it all adds up.

so why am i not doing these things? i don't know. partially because i'm lazy, and partially because i just don't care right now.

it goes beyond this physical stuff. i'm not putting much effort into the job search anymore. haven't sent out a resume in a very long time. i'm also getting really bad about running errands, cleaning, organizing, etc. i forget to return phone calls. i put off just about everything...

i don't know what's wrong with me...i'm trying to get back on track. one thing at a time. it's hard though...i mean, i think there's a general dissatisfaction with my life right now...probably a bit of hopelessness...hard to convince myself that it's actually worth it to do all these little things...hard to find the motivation...hard to be optimistic.

but, i will try. i really don't like these "ugly" days. posted at 12:40 AM |  

i woke up at 2 this afternoon. i hate it when i waste half the day sleeping. i didn't even go to bed that late...i don't know why i was so tired... posted at 6:12 PM |  

did anyone watch trading spaces? oh my god. i seriously think hildi has lost her mind. she used to do crazy shit once in a while, but now it's on a regular basis. i mean, when was the last time she did a normal-looking, classy room? i feel like she's just doing this stuff to shock people now...the las vegas one tonight...oh hell, no.

i think she may have started to go downhill after the hay-on-the-walls episode in oakland. or maybe it was that pink-gray quadrant room. i don't know. but this season, she's been much worse. the homeowners all seem to like it, or at least they pretend to, but still...how can you do that to someone's house without having any sort of conscience? posted at 1:09 AM |  

i'm super-tired. always like this on fridays...there was a time, i'd have the most energy on friday nights. but now...i don't know, i'm getting old. what i really want to do on friday nights now is stay in bed. (i know, i was dancing around for a while. i took breaks to lie down throughout the evening though, and nearly fell asleep a few times).

sometimes, i just get in a good mood and i don't exactly know why. like today. maybe it's because i ate a lot of chocolate? maybe it's because the weather was so nice? maybe it's because i made eye-contact a few times with a cute guy in the cafe where i was eating lunch?

by the way, how does one approach a stranger in a cafe? uh, come here often? i didn't say anything. just sat at the table next to him. he was working on his laptop. then he moved to another table. then he went outside to make phone calls. it was all pretty uneventful, but i'm 90% sure he was checking me out. either that, or he was wondering why i was wearing a sweater when it was 70 degrees. he had nice eyes though, so i don't care what he was thinking...i just liked the fact that he was looking. at me.

i'm so...in need of...oh, just making out with someone. that would be nice right now. assuming this someone is a good kisser...cuz i really don't enjoy kissing boys who are bad kissers...but that is another story for another night...i'm going to bed now. posted at 2:16 AM |  

i have so much bitching to do about work, but...it's friday and i have a 3-day weekend, and work is the last thing i want to think about right now...

so...i'm dancing around my room, lipsyncing to the strokes...(not as i'm typing this of course)

i wish i were in a band. not that i have any musical talents or anything. it just seems like it would be fun. posted at 9:20 PM |  

i'm so tired. work is unbelievably boring sometimes...i just can't work on this one thing all day, every day...need some variety, you know?

the provost didn't even come in today. apparently this is the 3rd time he's cancelled. what do provosts do anyway? does anyone know? posted at 6:34 PM |  

i should probably go to sleep soon, but i just don't feel like it...i know it's going to be hell trying to get out of bed tomorrow morning. i'm just so unmotivated to go to work. i like the project i'm working on, but i've reached a standstill...i need to get feedback from other people, but who? aside from my boss, no one in the office really gives a shit about me. they don't seem the least bit interested in what i'm working on. certainly aren't really available for me to talk to and bounce ideas off of...my boss checks in with me now and then, but hasn't really had the time to sit down and actually look through what i've done or give suggestions...i really do want his input, as silly as it is sometimes. but anyway. the provost is coming into the office tomorrow and i'm supposed to show off the project. i hope that goes well.

switching topics...

i was looking at this picture sean sent me yesterday...he looks different...i don't know what it is. i guess i just haven't seen him in over a year. people change so much, you know? he seems older now. more of an adult. i was looking at that picture and wondering if he's really the same person he was when i met him....so then i start wondering, do i really miss him, or do i miss the boy i met 5 years ago? tough question, really. i can't answer that. but i do know that i hate feeling like he's becoming more and more of a stranger as time passes. posted at 1:53 AM |  

i feel sorry for mariucci...ok, that loss to the bucs was really, really bad, as were some of the other niner losses this year, but i don't think he deserved to be fired. i think he was under a lot of pressure this year...and yeah, i think that affected the team.

oh well. i think he'll be better off with another team. the niners' front office is nuts. posted at 12:46 AM |  

i'm no imelda, but here are some pics i took in new york, during the white day-after-christmas. they were actually taken from inside, through windows. i wanted to take some better ones when i went outside, but it was too cold for me to take my hands out of my pockets.

posted at 12:15 AM |  

today was a long-ass day. i was convinced it was wednesday...disappointed when i realized it was only tuesday...

pg&e came, but they couldn't fix my heater. my dad's going to buy a part and try to fix it himself. soon, i hope.

i really want to go to bed right now. posted at 6:46 PM |  

was just helping another cousin with a personal statment essay. i'm so tired now. with my luck, pg&e will show up bright and early tomorrow morning (ok, 8 AM may not be early for some, but it is for me). more likely, they'll come while i'm in the shower.

i should go to bed soon. sleepy. posted at 1:01 AM |  

lost the post i typed earlier...it wasn't anything important, but somehow, blog entries are always better the first time around. when i try rewriting them, they just don't come out as good...but here goes:

another random stranger told me to smile today...i went to kfc for lunch and asked the guy behind the counter "can i have some ketchup please?", and he replied with "can i have a smile please?" (in a friendly way, not with an attitude) so, i gave him a big smile, and then he talked to me for a while. the talking soon turned into flirting. which then turned into a little too strong flirting...at that point, i had to make up an imaginary boyfriend. he seemed on the verge of asking me out, and i really wasn't the least bit interested. i was a little weirded out by all the personal questions he asked me, but then i realized he was like that with other female customers who came in too...but when i left he said "bye sweetie. come back and see me." sweetie? when did i become your sweetie? what a weirdo. some guys just come on too strong and end up frightening girls away...maybe i'm a bit paranoid about stalkers, i don't know. posted at 9:51 PM |  

i didn't really expect the niners to win today, but didn't think they'd look that bad. oh well. at least the raiders won. i think they'll go to the superbowl this year...

anyway...i was just uploading a bunch of pics i took in new york. mostly from my cousin's wedding. i was a little shocked when i saw pictures of myself...i've gained some serious weight! it's funny how you don't really realize it until you look at pictures of yourself. i mean, i know i've gained weight, but i didn't know that my face had gotten so much fatter. someone in new york mentioned that to me - that i've "filled out" (she hadn't seen me in over a year). i know what she's talking about now... posted at 12:08 AM |  

you know, sometimes i set daily goals for myself...little things i want to get done by the end of the day...and i fully intend on doing them...but somehow, they rarely get done. i don't know why i've been so lazy lately...it's bugging me...

anyway...

the new graphic designer started at work today. i talked to her for a few minutes at lunch. (making an effort to try to be friendly.) i really love her clothes. i wish i could pull off stuff like that. sometimes i feel like i have no style...even if i wore the clothes she was wearing, i just don't think i could carry them...i think i'll be stuck in jeans my whole life... posted at 1:04 AM |  

milly and i were discussing our best and worst qualities today...except i had a hard time trying to figure out what i thought was my best quality...

worst came easy to me...actually, i can think of a few things that i don't like about myself...most prominent in my mind right now is my unfriendliness. it's weird because with some people, things just click and i'm super-friendly and social right away. but with other people, or in situations where i feel very insecure or uneasy, i'm very...what's the word? aloof?...i just don't give off a good "come talk to me" vibe at all...in fact, i practically turn into stone sometimes. i hate it. in the office, it's just hard these days...i see/hear the bitch interact with everyone and become friends with them, and i wonder why i can't do that?...why don't people joke around with me like they do with her?...why can't i start random conversations with everyone so easily?...why can't i share bits of myself with other people and open up to them like that?...it's very frustrating...the problem isn't that i'm incapable of doing those things, it's that i can only be like that with specific types of people, not with everyone i meet. i don't know what it is...

second worst quality: that i'm afraid of so many things. i wish i were braver. bolder. willing to try new things. mostly, it's my fear of failure that kills me. i back out of doing certain things because i'm so worried about messing up, losing, looking stupid in front of other people. it's like i'd rather not try at all, than risk making a mistake or doing something wrong. as a result, i miss out on a lot...

third worst: laziness. 'nuff said.

my best quality...i don't know...milly said something along the lines of me being very driven by my perfectionism...i guess i am, but i never really saw that as a great quality. i border on obsessive-compulsive sometimes. drive myself nuts.

let's see...i think people know that they can always trust me. they can talk to me and share private things with me. i'm not the type to gossip about friends behind their backs. i'm reliable...if i say i'll do something for someone, i usually do it. (err...ok, i can think of certain instances where people would disagree with that, but those are rare i hope...) although i don't have a lot of people i'd consider to be close friends, i'm fiercely loyal to those that i do have.

you know, i don't think there's a word for it really...but a lot of times, i've thought to myself "i'm so glad i'm not like that". i just don't know how to explain what 'that' is...but i am the opposite of 'that', and very proud of it. i guess i've just come across so many girls who were very different from me, and i was happy that i wasn't like them...i didn't want to be like them. i like me better than a lot of other girls i've met. does this make any sense? (bad communication skills is my fourth worst quality...have so much trouble saying what i mean 90% of the time!!)

anyway...what are your best and worst qualities? care to share? posted at 10:41 PM |  

i feel so lazy. posted at 12:35 AM |  

*sigh*

i just realized that i left my umbrella and boots at my mom's place. i knew i was forgetting something...probably because it wasn't raining at the time. but it's supposed to rain tomorrow and friday, so i'm probably gonna get wet. i guess i can swing by walgreens during lunch tomorrow and pick up another umbrella if necessary. i just hope it's not pouring in the morning... posted at 11:30 PM |  

i was so low on energy today...bags under my eyes too...i hate feeling like this. and i had to spend a few hours going over stuff with my boss today - not my stuff, but the bitch's stuff. she claimed to be too busy to do it. but seriously, i could hear her chatting away and laughing the whole time. too much work, my ass. she pisses me off so much...anyway, whenever the boss complained about something, i said "yeah, i agree. i don't know why she did it like that. you can ask her." so, he called her over a few times...but, he didn't yell at her : (

i swear, i hate how she talks to him all sweet and innocent...she's so full of shit! why can't he see that?!?! posted at 8:35 PM |  

i need to go to sleep soon...i'm just sitting here thinking...*sigh*...i don't know what to say or how to say it...you ever kinda wish for something bad to happen to someone you don't like? (no, i'm not talking about the bitch in my office...someone else.) anyway, i just feel like i've directed a lot of bad thoughts toward this one person recently. and today, i found out something really terrible happened to her. not the least bit funny, definitely not something i wanted or hoped for...i feel very sad about it. as much as i don't like her, she doesn't deserve this kind of thing - no one does. and yet, at the same time, i find myself having some thoughts that are probably inappropriate and wrong. i don't know how to explain it. just kinda feel selfish and...i don't know - i'm just really upsetting myself by my thoughts.

i'm sorry, this is hard for me to write about. it's nothing evil...i'm not the type to wish harm upon people or anything like that. but it bothers me that even after something so terrible happens, that i can't find it in me to just let go of some feelings and put all this negative stuff aside...i don't want to have these negative thoughts in the back of my head somewhere, you know? but they're just there...i know they are...i can control what i say and do, but i can't control my thoughts. they just pop up now and then, and then i have to tell myself not to think them...*sigh*...i just feel guilty about it, you know? wondering if i'm really such a bad person down inside...

fuck, i don't know. this shit is just very hard for me to deal with. posted at 2:00 AM |  

ok, pg&e sucks.

they offered me an all-day appointment this wednesday, or an 8-12 appointment on the 14th. and they couldn't guarantee that they'd call before they came. so, i had to go with the 14th. great, huh? another week without heat. if i had known, i would have made the appointment before i went to new york... posted at 8:05 PM |  

i wanted to upload all the pics i took in NY, but silly me apparently left all the cables and software and stuff at home...so, it'll be at least another week before i get them up. they're mostly wedding and family pics though...nothing too exciting...

anyway, i gotta give pg&e a call and see when they can come over to fix my heater...i'm a little concerned about these 4-hour appointments...i mean, how am i supposed to sit around and wait for 4 hours? don't they understand people have to go to work? posted at 7:53 PM |  

i'm back...unfortunately, that means i have to go back to work tomorrow...

anyway. the niners won today! the game was so much fun...well, the 4th quarter anyway...i was tempted to stop watching in the middle of the third, but i'm glad i didn't. great comeback...got a little lucky at the end, but hey, so did the giants back in '90 (i'm still bitter about that game!).

alright, i'm a little jetlagged and sleepy...will blog more tomorrow... posted at 11:11 PM |  

i felt much better today...went to a show tonight...i just love that feeling when i leave a broadway theater at night and see all the people and bright lights...i think that the very first time i experienced that (about 10 years ago) was the moment i started to like new york...never really enjoyed the city at all before that.

anyway, it started snowing a little again tonight...i kinda miss sitting by the window and watching snow fall. always fascinated me when i was in ann arbor. you know, i've been to new york several times, but this is the first time i've seen it snow here. once, when i was about 4 years old, we came here during winter. i was so excited about getting to see snow, but there wasn't any! well, not until we got on the plane to go back...that's when it started...i was so disappointed...and the last few times i've come in december, it's been damn cold, but no snow at all. (except a little flurry, but i was in the shower at the time)

and since i'm sharing snow memories...my favorite has to be the first real major snowfall i saw. it was so beautiful...i was walking down a street with sean, holding hands...i just remember feeling so happy...but then again, i was damn wasted that night...maybe that's why i didn't feel cold?

second favorite snow memory: that time it snowed at my high school and my spanish teacher let us out to play in it. that was fun.

alright, enough of this babble...i'm heading to bed now. posted at 11:26 PM |  

i hate getting sick while i'm on vacation...don't have enough energy to do stuff...i hope i'll feel a little better tomorrow. at the very least, i want to go to the tkts booth and try to see a show... posted at 9:28 PM |  

happy new year!

mine was shitty, as usual. i've been sick for the past couple days...barely slept at all last night, had a fever and a lot of congestion. bummed around most of today, then went to a movie. intended on going back to bed right after that, but instead i was somehow dragged to a relative's house...not the ideal way to spend new year's in new york...but whatever...it might have been ok if i weren't so sick...that made it about 10 times worse...no appetite, headache, dizziness...

alright, i'm gonna crash now. hope everyone had a better time than i did! : ) posted at 12:09 AM |