oh, and what the hell happened to my little source of morning entertainment? did sarah and no name get fired along with their producer? why??? does anyone know??? i guess it has been coming for some time now, but i was surprised to not wake up to them this morning... posted at 8:30 PM |  

i was at work until 7:30 today...7:30!!! editing!!! no fun. i'm pooped.

i went to the doctor...but like the majority of blue shield doctors, he was pretty much worthless (that's according to my experiences anyway...if anyone in the area happens to know of a *good* doctor who accepts blue shield, then let me know). basically, the nurse took my blood pressure. then the doctor came in and spoke to me for a few minutes, felt my throat with his hands a little, squeezed my stomach a little (by 'a little' i mean less than 5 seconds). then he said, "well, you can wait a few days and see if you feel better, and if you really want to, you can get a blood test." (my interpretation based on the way he said it was that he didn't really think i needed a blood test and didn't care whether or not i got one)

he said i probably had a virus, and that my body would fight it off, and i'd get better because that's just how our bodies work. fine, i guess that's true. but...i mean, don't you think he should have checked me out a little more thoroughly? like, listened to my heart? looked inside my throat perhaps? taken my temperature maybe?...when i spoke to the nurse, i told her that i want a full physical because i haven't gotten one in a few years, and she said that he would do that. but i don't feel like i got one. i feel like he was trying to rush me out of there. i feel like he didn't even really want me to get any blood tests done. (i'm going to anyway, damnit!) posted at 8:10 PM |  

getting up to go to work tomorrow morning is going to be a bitch. all weekend, work is basically the last thing on my mind, but then sunday night rolls around and i get so depressed thinking about going back there.

anyway. i haven't felt feverish lately, but i still get really tired and lightheaded and dizzy sometimes. had no appetite at all over the past 2 days. i don't know how much of this is actually due to something being physically wrong with me, and how much is psychological...but i've noticed that when i get pissed off at work, i feel sicker inside. that's not good.

i don't know, i'm just very confused. part of me wants to quit, but then another part of me is just unable to go through with it...i guess i have issues with quitting, feeling like i failed at something...i wish i were strong enough to make a decision either way, that i had the ability to go with my gut and not worry so much about the consequences or about what other people will think... posted at 11:55 PM |  

blah. i hate feeling this tired.

is it wrong to hope that i'm contagious so i don't have to go back to work?

probably.

but anyway...i'm so happy that the weekend has arrived. all i want to do is sleep... posted at 7:48 PM |  

spoke with a doctor...he didn't feel that i was urgent enough to squeeze in today. so i've got an appointment for monday afternoon. he just told me to keep taking my temperature and drink lots of fluids in the meanwhile...does he not understand how uncomfortable i am??? how i can't work because i feel like i'm going to throw up all the time? how i can't sleep at night?

*sigh*...i want to go home, but we have a CD-burn coming up soon so i need to get some crap done...it's hard to say i'm going home sick when i look perfectly normal and i don't have any obvious cold symptoms or anything...i just told the manager that i'm sick, but he didn't say "you should go home and rest." he said that i need to try to get the editing done as soon as possible! i might be here until 7 this evening. which suuuucks...i hope the editor can come in early. posted at 1:38 PM |  

finally got my period today so i'm feeling a little less hormonally crazed. but i'm still not feeling right. i called blueshield this morning to change my doctor, but then when i called the new doctor's office to make an appointment, they told me she was on maternity leave! then, when i tried to make an appointment with another doctor at the same clinic, they got really rude and made me call someone else and leave a message...it was strange. i think i'm going to call blueshield again tomorrow and try to find another doctor. one in a nicer neighborhood, not the ghetto.

anyway, we never had that meeting at work today. fine with me. other things happened that i could bitch about, but it's not worth getting myself all upset over. fuck them, all of them. after i see a doctor and go to the dentist, i think i am going to quit. actually, i'm first going to have a private talk with my boss and tell him i would like his help finding another job, and that i would be willing to train my replacement, etc. trying to stay on good terms with him because if i decide to get my phd in berkeley, i know that he'd pull strings to get me accepted. that's really the main thing that's stopping me from storming out of there in anger. posted at 7:43 PM |  

i'm hesitant to blog more tonight because i just finally stopped crying and i don't want to start up again...my cousin called me about an hour ago and i was just bawling...got her all worried. i just called her back to tell her it was nothing and i'm ok. then we laughed about american idol and that was that. anyway, it was just strange for me because normally i don't let other people know when i'm crying. i don't think my cousin has seen/heard me cry like that, not since i was 10 and we were riding our bikes and i crashed...i just don't like letting people see me so vulnerable. very few people have seen me sob, and i always feel a bit weird when it does happen. like i should have been stronger, i don't know.

i'm so up and down lately. i don't know what the hell is going on with me. i'm going to call blue shield tomorrow morning and try to get my doctor situation straightened out so i can make an appointment. (the doctor i originally signed up with moved her practice)

anyway...aside from a slight headache, i do feel a little better now. i'm heading to bed, need to get some rest. posted at 12:05 AM |  

i'm such a mess right now...i've felt like crying for the past few hours...keep tearing up for no reason. i'm miserable. i'm tired. i need a break from all this crap, need a break from my life. or a complete change altogether...

i've had low points, but this is possibly the worst i have ever felt...i don't know if it's because i'm sick and emotional and over-reacting, or if all this shit has just taken a toll on me. whatever the case may be, i feel absolutely terrible right now and i don't know what to do. i'm craving comfort and security and...and...i don't know...a shoulder to cry on? i just want someone to make it all better for me, make all the bad stuff go away. i can't deal with it anymore, i'm too tired...i'm sitting here with tears coming down my face right now...it's just not worth it. whatever it is that is making me feel this crappy, it needs to go. posted at 10:11 PM |  

fucking assholes at work. i'm so sick of it.

while i was out at lunch today, there was a little meeting between the manager, the head programmer, and the bitch. i have absolutely no idea what they were talking about. they finished as soon as i got back, so i really didn't hear any of it at all. nor was i told anything. so i just went back to work.

when i was on my way out this evening, my manager comes up to me and asks me something - i didn't fully understand what he was talking about to be honest. something about the programmer being upset because there hasn't been enough progress on the lesson i'm supposed to be working on. he told the manager that we had a meeting, and that he thought i've been working on it since then, but i haven't. now, i don't recall having this meeting he was talking about. and as for not making enough progress, i explained to my manager that 1) i wasn't given any indication of when the lesson was supposed to be finished, 2) i assumed that the work i have to do for the algebra lessons has a higher priority than this lesson, and 3) i've been sick! my god, i was feeling so nauseous at work today. it's really hard for me to concentrate when i feel like shit.

anyway, so he said something about me needing to work more closely with the bitch to get things done on time, blah blah blah...we're having a meeting tomorrow to talk about it further. lovely... posted at 7:23 PM |  

sean has a phone interview tomorrow for a job in oakland. i don't think he'll take it...doesn't really seem like it's the type of job he's looking for...and the idea of moving across the country is not very appealing to him...but part of me keeps wondering 'what if?'...i can't help it. at the very least, it would be cool if he flew out here for an interview. i haven't seen him in so long...i know the chances are slim, don't want to get disappointed when i hear he isn't coming... posted at 12:47 AM |  

in case you're wondering, nothing big really happened at work today. nothing in particular pissed me off or got to me. all i know is that i felt totally miserable when i left.

i'm still not feeling 100%. i'm ok in the morning, but then towards the afternoon, i start feeling really tired. completely low on energy. can't think. can't focus. can't get any work done. don't feel like trying. by the time i get back from work, i'm beat. i've felt this way once in a while, but never for so many days in a row. and i've also been getting this sick feeling in my stomach sometimes. i don't feel right, that's all i know.

anyway, just before i left work today, one of the programmers asked me if i had finished making the lesson that i'm supposed to be working on. i told him i hadn't even started yet. i tried starting a couple weeks ago, but i got to a point where i just couldn't think about it anymore. needed a break. and then i had other work to do, so i put it aside. and frankly, i just didn't care. i have no motivation left inside of me as far as that lesson is concerned. it's not an easy lesson to do because it's not really a topic that's covered in depth in textbooks. also, i've searched for java applets online, trying to get ideas, and there just aren't any for this topic! no good ones anyway. and basically, no one's given me a timetable as far as when this lesson should be done or anything. as far as i know, my regular work has higher priority over this stuff.

i think the only reason this whole thing came up today is because the bitch informed the programmer that her next lesson is not going to be ready for another 10 days. so he's going to be sitting around twiddling his thumbs for a while because he has nothing to program. but, what do i care - it's not my fault.

anyway...so the thought of having to work on this lesson put me in a worse mood than i was in to begin with...i guess i'll start working on it tomorrow. maybe once i get into it, it'll be ok. right now though, i really do wish i could just quit my job and go find myself. because this person i've become is a stranger to me - miserable, no drive, and not nearly as much laughter. posted at 12:01 AM |  

i fucking hate my job...i just hate it...i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i don't want to go back there. i don't want to do any of my work. i don't want to deal with any of those people. i just wish i could quit and chill out for a month... posted at 6:46 PM |  

i need to organize all my web stuff. i feel like i have bits and pieces at 4 different urls...it's annoying i'm sure. the thing is, i don't like my old pages because i made them so long ago and they just look bad now...so i want to redo them. i don't know when i will actually get around to doing that...i want a new blog layout too, i'm getting tired of this one. how long have i had it now? longer than any of my previous ones, i'm sure. but when i was in grad school, i had the time and energy to fool around with it. now, i'm just tired and lazy and most of all, uncreative. i have no idea what i want it to look like...

*sigh*

anyway, i forgot what else i was going to say...hate it when that happens! posted at 12:13 AM |  

ok, i'm at my new site now. i think it's all in working order...for the most part anyway...let me know if it is terribly slow to load. posted at 8:14 PM |  

blah. i'm at work. waiting for the day to end...the bitch isn't here today. so at least i don't have a headache on top of my usual misery. i just don't want to be here though. feeling down... posted at 4:08 PM |  

i don't want to go to work tomorrow...i still feel crappy, and i don't know why... posted at 12:12 AM |  

i'm glad chicago won the oscar...though to be fair, i don't think i saw any of the other nominated pictures...all i know was that i liked chicago a lot.

anyway...oscar fashions...i loved renee zellweger's dress, as usual. she's always one of my favorites...other people looked nice too, but that's the only dress that really stood out for me. misses: i thought geena davis looked really bad. i don't know why some women like to straighten their hair so much, i think it looks terrible. i also wasn't feeling the really bright colors on middle-aged and older women - bright blue, bright pink, ick! if you're over 50 and want to look classy, see meryl streep.

highlights: michael moore's (bowling for columbine) acceptance speech. i knew someone was going to say something controversial at some point - yeah, it was distasteful, but whatever. he said what he wanted to say. i also got a kick out of eminem winning, though he didn't show up to perform or to accept the award. oh, and adrien brody (the pianist) kissing halle berry - the look on her face was priceless. i think that's about it... posted at 10:14 PM |  

alright, well...it's been a good season, i can't complain. and they tried today - didn't give up, even when down by 18. but oklahoma is a damn good team. can't be missing open 3's and making sloppy turnovers against them, on essentially their home court.

now i have to root for arizona...they can't go and lose to gonzaga now...they're the pac-10's only hope! (no offense to asu) posted at 5:05 PM |  

neutral court, my ass. this game is sad... posted at 4:41 PM |  

cal's finally showing some signs of life...well, technically, just one of the players is. too little, too late? or will he get the other players fired up? posted at 4:31 PM |  

terrible way to start the 2nd half...this is going to be depressing... posted at 4:09 PM |  

well, oklahoma's killing us so far...come on cal, make it respectable! posted at 3:06 PM |  

damnit, this missouri game went to overtime...they might not show the cal game until this game finishes...i can't wait until technology will allow us to choose whichever game we want...i hate being stuck with whatever CBS chooses to show - whether it be a game i'm not interested in, or war news that's not really important to me...i mean, by all means, if something really important happens, then let us know. but most of the time, it's pretty useless information and speculation...well, something happened and 6 people got hurt but we don't really know why and we don't know what caused it...thanks dan rather, can we go back to the game now?

i'm sorry, i don't mean to imply that basketball is more important than the war, it's clearly not. it's just that, when they want to interrupt to tell us some news, i wish they'd have actual information first. they seem to go overboard with all the updates sometimes...i'm surprised there isn't some scrolling text on the bottom of the screen while they are showing basketball... posted at 2:42 PM |  

yay! stanfurd's about to lose....that makes me happy...especially knowing that the chances of cal winning today are pretty darn slim... posted at 2:19 PM |  

i called in sick today too. i didn't think i'd get any work done, and i didn't feel like just sitting there all day...i'm mostly just tired. maybe i have a little fever, i'm not sure. posted at 11:23 AM |  

one of my relatives in new york is moving back to india to live with her movie star friend. she quit her job, and just decided to take off. i guess she was burnt out and needed a break...i don't know...i don't really believe anything she says anymore...it's hard for me to explain...i'm hurting inside because i don't want her to leave, but when i think about it, i haven't really talked to her much or spent much time with her in several years...the past few times i've been in new york, she just hasn't been around. last christmas she went to india to spend the holidays with her friend. the christmas before that, her friend was in new york, so she was just busy with her the whole time and forgot all about me. the time before that, i think she went off to LA with her friend...don't really remember. i maybe saw her for a day or two before she went, but that's about it.

anyway...this friend has basically taken over her life. taken her away from her family and changed her...and now she seems to consider this friend to be more of a family to her than the rest of us who actually are her family. the rest of us who took care of her when her mother died and her father gave her up...my grandma raised her, my mom and aunts and uncles paid for her education, gave her whatever she needed...and i'm not saying she's not greatful for it, she is. but she's also...well, she's put all of them second to this friend. and my younger cousins who are in new york are so attached to her. she's been more of a mom to them than their own mom, yet now she's deserting them...they're really depressed and hurting...and frankly, as they're approaching their pre-teen years, they're going to need her. and she's not going to be there for them. sure, she might come and visit once a year, but it's not the same.

and me - i've been really hurt by her not making an effort to spend time with me...before this friend came into the picture, we used to hang out so much when i was in new york. and she'd come here to visit during holidays, instead of flying off to india or wherever miss movie star happened to be filming at the time. maybe i'm just jealous, i don't know. but now, when people tell me to do things for her, i say 'why? she wouldn't do that for me.'

it's hard to be mad at her when i talk to her or see her though...she's a sweetheart...she lies a lot, but you just forget all that when you're with her. anyway...i don't know where i'm going with this...basically, when i heard she was leaving (about a week ago), i was upset - and sad. i didn't want her to go. i worry that i'll never see her again. she'll only come here when her friend is on tour here, and even then, she'd probably stay with her. she had originally told me that she's going to take a 6-month break and then come back to ny and look for another job. but now...i don't know, she's talking about going into business with the friend...i think she might just settle down in india permanently. maybe if i'm lucky i'll see her whenever i go to india...but i'm guessing she'll be busy with all her movie star friend partying all night...*sigh*...i pretend that i don't care, but i do. i miss her. and i'll miss her even more now that she's moving so far away...and i feel like i'm not a part of her family anymore. it hurts inside, you know?

throughout her life, she's latched onto different friends...the last 2, i have not liked at all...and the thing is, she gets so close to them and thinks of them as sisters - which would be fine, if she didn't neglect everyone else in her life. i mean, i'm happy that she has a really close friend that she can have fun with, but at the same time, i feel like when she does have such a friend in her life, pleasing that friend becomes her top priority. she's completely self-less...she'll do anything for them. but us relatives (not to mention all her other friends), we disappear from her life completely. we all come second to her...but, we love her anyway, and we try to be happy for her. this time though, it's hard for me...partially because i worry that she's making a mistake, and partially because i feel like she's going to drop out of my life completely. time will tell, i guess... posted at 10:10 PM |  

i didn't go to work...not feeling totally sick yet, but i just felt like i needed some rest. besides, i didn't really have much to do at work today anyway. i've spent the morning lying around, curled up in a blanket, watching some cal b-ball. (we won, by the way! just barely...but i'll take it! GO BEARS!!) posted at 12:02 PM |  

i hate being on the verge of getting sick. if i'm going to get sick, i want it to hurry up and happen already...haven't yet decided if i'm calling in sick tomorrow or not...i think it would look weird if i called in sick on thursday, but then showed up completely fine on friday. so if i knew for sure that i was getting sick, it would be ok. but i'm not sure if i will get sick because my body seems to be fighting it off so far...

oh well, i'm getting up early tomorrow regardless because the cal game's on at 9:30 AM. the poor guys...GO BEARS! posted at 11:13 PM |  

i think i'm getting sick. that would explain why my body's been so tired and achy...i'm thinking about staying home from work tomorrow, and this gives me an actual reason to do just that.

my hand is feeling much better. i'm still trying to use the mouse with my left hand most of the time...i think i'll keep it that way for a few days, just so i'm sure my right hand's 100% before i start doing something to fuck it up again.

anyway...as for other matters...it's getting harder and harder to be in denial about this war...*sigh*...i don't want to look at live TV coverage of the bombings damnit!! posted at 6:19 PM |  

my energy level has been extremely low all day today...i barely got out of bed before 10 this morning. i barely got out of bed at all, really. my body feels so tired. i was ok for a little while after i took a shower and went to work. but then after lunch...my attention span was non-existent. i hardly got anything done all afternoon. my boss came up to me just before i was leaving and said that he wanted to talk to me about the lesson that i'm working on. but i haven't even really started it! i kinda-sorta made a rough outline, but then put it off because i couldn't think clearly...i should try to get something done by friday because that's when my boss wants to meet with me. or that's what he claims anyway. for all i know, he won't show up to work at all on friday. anyway...now i feel pressure to get all that done and still keep up with my other stuff...but my brain hasn't been functioning too well at work lately. maybe for a couple hours in the morning, but after that i'm just staring at the screen and zoning out...no motivation at all to even work on my lesson...i seriously just don't care anymore. i was excited about it a long time ago, but now, i just have no desire to do it.

all this, and it's only tuesday! normally, i don't feel this way until thursday... posted at 6:57 PM |  

i'm worried about my hand...the pain comes and goes, but sometimes when it comes, it's really strong. i had major difficulty trying to open a milk carton this morning. anyway, i've moved my mouse over to my left-hand side. i'll try to do the same at work tomorrow.

hope everyone had a happy st. paddy's...sean met one of the kennedy's tonight, it's probably one of the highlights of his life. he called his mom and had him speak to her. (they're irish, so apparently this was a really big deal) posted at 11:40 PM |  

i'm not feeling too well right now...not sure what's wrong, just feel uneasy...

my period is very late...i hate it when i skip a month, it throws me off...

my hand hurts like hell. i didn't ellaborate in my previous post, so i'll do it now...typing is not a problem, but i can't brush my hair. and i can't squeeze my contact lens solution bottle. things like that. i hope i'm not getting carpal tunnel...a couple of my mom's friends had carpal tunnel problems and it pretty much ruined their lives. there were all these terrible complications, surgeries, etc...i don't want to go through that when i'm older. i'm going to try to not slouch in my chair at work. i use the mouse so much there sometimes when i do graphics stuff, and i feel my hand getting tired and my shoulders aching...i'm guessing that my set-up isn't ergonomically correct...but part of that is because my legs are so short and i can't reach the ground when i lift my seat up...which in turn makes my knees hurt. i have absolutely terrible knees...

anyway...excuse the babbling, i really just don't want to go to work tomorrow. i don't want to go to work in general, but mondays are especially hard... posted at 12:25 AM |  

i think i need to cut down on my computer use...my right hand is killing me...probably from using the mouse too much... posted at 11:04 PM |  

uuugggghhhh....

cal got screwed in the tournament seeding...AGAIN...

it's so messed up...i expected them to be a 6 or 7 seed...but 8? 8, i don't understand. oregon's an 8 seed, and we beat them twice!!! stanfurd's a 4 - we split with them. and aside from all that, if we get to the 2nd round, we'll most likely have to play oklahoma, in oklahoma...the pod system is so fucked up...and considering cal had to play pittsburg in pittsburg last year, this is just totally unfair...i don't even know what else to say, i'm just completely disgusted by this whole system...

ok, disgusted is maybe a strong word...it is just basketball, just a game...i'm just very disapointed. i was hoping they'd go to sweet 16 this year, and i really love this year's team a lot (despite their poor performance the other night). i just think they're good kids and they deserve better than this. posted at 3:38 PM |  

cal lost : (

oh well...a pac-10 touney championship would have been nice, but it's no big deal - it's the real tourney that counts. as much as i hate usc, i have to admit their defense was really good tonight. and they clearly wanted this game more than we did - the intensity showed. posted at 10:56 PM |  

i love this weather...it's rainy, but it's warm. i know i complain when it's cold and rainy, but this is different. this is the kind of rain you can enjoy because you aren't too busy shivering or trying to fight against some really strong wind gusts...it was nice walking home and listening to the tap-tap-tap on my umbrella... posted at 7:34 PM |  

and now usc beats stanfurd? cool.... posted at 9:14 PM |  

wow...arizona lost to ucla? that's interesting...certainly opens up some possibilities...but i don't want to jinx anything - there is a game tonight. go bears!!!!!!!! posted at 7:03 PM |  

i recently bought this caddy thing for my bathroom, and i finally got around to assembling it tonight...but i just put it up, and it doesn't seem very stable. it looks like it's going to come crashing down any minute now. i'm not sure what to do...it's supposed to be a 'tension rod', but really, it just has this spring it in that is providing very little tension. when i gently pull on it, it moves. i don't think that's a good sign. and considering how the guy upstairs causes my whole apartment to shake when he walks...well, i just don't expect it to stay standing for long. we'll see...

no news on the job yet...i left a voicemail this morning, but haven't heard back from her. posted at 9:46 PM |  

oh my god oh my god oh my god....i actually have some good news today! i get home from work and there's a message on my machine from someone contacting me about a job!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so surprised - i sent that company my resume several months ago (actually, i'm pretty sure i sent it to them twice - once while i was still in michigan, and then again maybe about 6 months ago).

the bad news is, it's not permanent. it's just one project.

so...i'm not quite sure what to tell this person. the job's in novato, so i wouldn't have to move too far. but...do i really want to give up a stable job and take the chance that after this novato company's project ends, i'd be able to find another job??? i don't know...i'm confused!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't recall ever going to novato, but i'm thinking it's not really my kinda town. seems a little rural for me. and i definitely do not want to partake in any bay area commute that involves crossing a bridge. so that's another strike against it...

but, on the other hand, the job position matches well with what i've been looking for. and it's a large company. one of the few really big companies in my field. i think i'd learn a lot there, much more than i am at my current job anyway.

damnit, i don't know...

i guess i'll give the person a call back tomorrow morning and find out more info...like, approximately how long the project will last. if it's just a few months, then it's probably not worth it...*sigh*...but anyway, i'm still excited that someone actually called me. it's really very depressing to send out resume after resume and not hear anything back...so now that i know that someone wants me, and that someone actually kept my resume on file for so long, it gives me a little more motivation to send out some more resumes... posted at 6:42 PM |  

i've started blogging a few times but...i don't know...just been unable to put some thoughts together. would love to say that i've been busy applying to jobs, but...uh...no. instead, i've gotten myself addicted to this game called text twist (on msn games). it reminds me of boggle.

anyway...

sean had an interview today, and i was hoping to see him online and find out how it went...but i'm guessing he went straight to bed when he got in tonight. i hope it went well. i'm so envious that he actually gets interviews...but then again, he actually applies to jobs, unlike me... posted at 12:20 AM |  

my boss decided to cut the meeting short and let the poor midwesterners enjoy the beautiful weather...i must admit, the weather is exceptionally good today...just about perfect, in my opinion.

and i'm so happy to be out of there...

things went ok i guess. i'll need time to process all of the notes i took. but overall, i *think* i got a sense of what they want. and if i get stuck, it's not a problem. that's what email is for. (these things go better over email anyway.)

during part of the meeting, they we were discussing some general stuff, and i actually started to feel proud of the type of company i work for. and in some sense, of our product as well...i found out about some features that i didn't know about before, and it's really quite impressive overall (in theory). i still have issues with the actual content of our lessons, but looking at things from a different perspective, i see that our company treats clients more personally than other large companies do - not that it's surprising, it's pretty much a given in most businesses. but it's nice to hear it from the other end - what the people who are using our material have to say about us. so, in that sense, i would prefer to work for a company like this, rather than for one of the large companies that i've been applying to. i realized that i don't necessarily dislike the size of my company or the stuff that we do, it's mainly just the people that i have a problem with. i want to work someplace with nicer people. that is my goal.

during a break in the morning, someone started making dinner plans - not paid for by the company, but just sort of a "hey, let's all go out to dinner together" kinda thing. and they didn't even ask me if i wanted to go. it was just SO rude, because i was sitting right there and someone was reading off names like "ok, so we have john, bob, mary, steve - are you coming? brian - are you coming?" and i was just completely left off! i wouldn't have gone anyway, but i honestly felt really hurt by that. and it's so typical of how they've been treating me lately...and you know what? it just makes me even more isolated and un-sociable than i already am. the less they include me, the less i want to talk to them as though i'm one of the family.

anyway, if they don't want the pleasure of my company, then fuck them. i have better things to do, and better people to hang out with. posted at 4:12 PM |  

i want to go to sleep now, but my head hurts so much...this always happens when i'm tired...just waiting for the extra-strength tylenol to kick in... posted at 11:59 PM |  

so...the good news is i actually stayed awake for the entire meeting today! yup...from 8:30 to 5 without any nodding off...i think it may have had a little something to do with this mocha mix i made myself in the morning, i'm not sure. i just hope i make it through tomorrow as well.

i figured out that the campus shuttle stops right by the hotel, so i used that instead of walking with the big heavy laptop on my shoulder...and you know what? we didn't even use it!! i was pissed. oh, and i also learned that there was in fact a public parking lot right next to the hotel. never noticed it before. i might drive there tomorrow, or maybe i'll walk now that i don't have anything big to carry. i ate way too much today and probably should try to burn off a few calories to make up for that...i'll see how tired i am in the morning.

the board members are...well, sort of difficult to keep on track...they didn't really give the bitch the input she wanted. it's hard to explain really. basically, we ask them which topics we should cover, and in response, they get into these philosopical mathematics debates and start babbling about some teaching methods they've seen or used, even if they're not really applicable to what we're supposed to be discussing...so, the bitch gets frustrated by all of this because it essentially means more work for her. i don't think they're that bad though - in fact, i kinda enjoyed listening to the examples they gave and the stuff they talked about. it's interesting, from a math ed standpoint. but, on the other hand, i'm glad i'm not involved in planning this lesson because it seems like a big headache.

tomorrow i'm supposed to discuss the lesson that i will be working on...it should be a little easier than the one they were talking about today (*fingers crossed*). i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to say or how i'm supposed to keep them on track. and i probably don't even have answers to most of the questions they might ask me. so, i'm a little freaked out about how un-prepared i am. i'm not good at making up intelligent stuff on the spot. and i sometimes have trouble speaking in coherent sentences when i don't have something prepared...but really, the board members all seemed pretty nice - i know they aren't going to bite my head off or anything. and my co-workers will definitely try to help me out if i seem totally lost. so...i hope it'll be ok. i hope i don't get really nervous. i hope we get something accomplished and that i don't look totally stupid. and yeah, i hope i don't fall asleep in the middle of the thing.

by the way, you know what the bitch wore to the meeting? some tight, pink - yes, pink - low-rider corduroy pants, and a shirt that looked like something a 13-year old would wear.

i realize she's small and still shops in the junior seciton - i do the same. but when i'm her age (32), i sure hope that i won't go around dressed like a teenager...i mean, even in the juniors section, you can find some basics that don't look silly on an adult, you know? i guarantee you, you will never see me in pink pants. especially not at an office meeting. posted at 11:25 PM |  

the dinner sucked, and it took a lot longer than i had hoped it would...can't wash my hair now, it's too late. and there's no way i'm waking up extra early to wash it, so this will have to do. i should really go to bed soon. want to figure out what i'm wearing first so i don't have to worry about that in the morning...no one said anything about it being formal, but i don't know how casual it is either, you know? i just want to wear something inbetween, but i'm hating all of my clothes right now.

damnit, the people upstairs are playing video games. fuck fuck fuck. what's with all the "woooooooooooo"-ing and stomping around? god, they are irritating. they'll be playing for a couple hours and ignore my banging on the ceiling, i know they will...last night, i was able to fall asleep around 12:30 (early for me), but then at around 4 AM, the guy started stomping around so hard it shook my bed. i woke up and then couldn't go back to sleep for a while. so annoying...

anyway...i better go find some clothes to wear and then hit the sack. gotta be up bright and early tomorrow morning...i'm so not a morning person...i wish i didn't have to go to this thing... posted at 11:56 PM |  

i'm sorry, i don't mean to make this a purely "i hate my job"/"i need a new job" blog. it just drives me nuts sometimes.

anyway. i have to go to a surprise b-day dinner for my step-mom tonight. i really wish i could get out of it...i'm so tired, and now i have all these cramps in my shoulder-neck area...i didn't get her a card or present or anything. do you think that's bad? i don't care at this point. i figure, she didn't really get me anything for my birthday, so...i don't really feel obligated.

i am typically a card person, but really, i only buy them for people that i care about. close friends and family. i don't consider her to be either. i'm sorry if that sounds rude - i don't dislike her; i just don't feel close to her in that respect. i never have considered her to be family. i realize that it's been like 4-5 years now, but...i don't know, she just she just doesn't seem like a part of the family to me. i'll go to the party and wish her, but that's about it...

shit, i better get dressed. it's getting late. damn laptop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! posted at 7:30 PM |  

so guess what the bitch (aka the spoiled brat) did today?

she took off at lunch to go do some things, and said she'd come back to the office later to finish up some last-minute stuff for the meeting tomorrow and pick up whatever she needed. then she calls a few hours later and starts whining about how her car broke down blah blah blah...so she's not coming back to the office today. fine. so she asked the hr person to make copies of the handouts for her and then also mentions that she'd need a laptop. (why she can't bring her own laptop, i have no idea.) so, this guy told her to come into the office and pick it up tomorrow morning before going to the meeting (the meeting is in a hotel that's about a 10-15 minute walk from the office). so then she whined about having to wake up 15 minutes earlier and about having to figure out the alarm, etc. in short, she got out of it, and now who has to carry the laptop? me.

it's a heavy-ass laptop, and i have to carry a speaker too. and, since i'm going directly to the meeting tomorrow morning (the office is not on the way), i had to lug that thing up hill with me this evening. it was such a pain in the ass. (well, the shoulders technically, but you know what i mean)

i'm so pissed right now. i want to take my car to the meeting now, but i'm not sure if there's a non-UC parking lot around there...i can't think of any that would be significantly closer than my apartment...this sucks...that guy knows that i walk to work, and in fact, he lives like 2 blocks from me. and besides - i'm all of 105 pounds. does it look like i can carry all that shit?!?!? he told me he was going to make it lighter, but all he did was take out one of the speakers - that really didn't help much at all.

why is it that she can whine a little and get away with not doing anything, and i get stuck doing all this crap?!?!? they don't pay me enough to carry other people's laptops and go to 8 AM meetings on saturday mornings. seriously. i need a new job. posted at 7:12 PM |  

had another looooong day at work. i'm so damn tired right now, ready to crash.

you know, it really bugs me that i'm the lowest-paid employee, and yet i seem to work longer hours than everyone else. i was stuck editing the bitch's work again today. kinda pissed me off that she not only excused herself from helping out, but then also left the office early without telling us. it's her work that we're fixing - so, in my opinion, it's part of her duty to stick around and help us clean up her mess. she's such a flake, i swear...

anyway...editing really sucks the energy out of me. i don't know how in the world i ended up with this responsibility. my old english teachers would be proud, i suppose. funny, i always thought english (writing in particular) was my worst subject. and now it's 90% of my job, it seems.

*sigh*...this week is going to be rough. in general, i hate the week of cd-burning, but with the big board meeting on top of that...i don't know. i just have too much on my plate at work right now. which is odd, considering i had a totally empty plate a week ago.

either way, i don't want to put up with this shit much longer...i neeeeeeeed a new job. why does it have to be so hard to find one?!?! posted at 7:11 PM |  

had a lazy day today...watched the cal game, then just pretty much decided to stay put in front of the tv. i hate being unproductive, but i was tired.

i've had stuff on my mind, but don't really know how to express it in words. so, instead, i think i'll just stick to something easy to write about...like trading spaces. it really bothers me when they make rooms that are not functional. by that i mean, putting a tv behind a couch. um, hello? how is anyone supposed to watch it? they quite regularly put tv sets at bad angles, but the room gen did this week - that was the worse tv-placement yet! i guess that those guys can move their tv pretty easily so it's probably not a huge deal or anything. and maybe this is just an issue for me because i have couch-potato tendencies and can't imagine NOT having a good view of the tv from my living room sofa. i don't know. when i see the finished rooms, the first thing i always look for is where the tv is, and whether or not it is properly viewable from the sofa (or bed). they *rarely* pass this little test of mine... posted at 12:07 AM |  

i really need to get in the habit of taking my camera out with me. it's small enough, but i just forget...spent a few hours with some old college friends today, mostly just walking around campus and taking pictures (except i was the only one who was silly enough to forget my camera in my haste to meet them for lunch this morning). oh well, i have a million pictures of campus, but it's funny how i always see all these new things that i never noticed before...

anyway, this woman who works at the business school started talking to us...it was really funny, she kept telling us that she thought we were teenagers because we all look so young. me especially. she said it was because we were happy, or something to that effect. but i think it's because i've been breaking out all week. it's all this acne that's making me look like a teenager!

but regardless, she made me laugh a lot. she spoke with us for a good 10 minutes at least. and told us to come and visit her. she was really nice... posted at 5:06 PM |  

waking up before noon on saturdays is a big pain in the ass.

i thought i'd be ok if i went to bed at a decent hour, but forgot about the guys upstairs. i heard them start to play video games around 2 AM, and i don't think they stopped until about 3:30. (or maybe that's when i finally fell asleep, i'm not sure)

not only do i hear all the weird video game noises, but these guys are the type who feel the need to yell out "WWHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as they're playing. it's really irritating when you're trying to sleep. and i was so damn tired last night, i didn't even have the energy to reach for the broomstick. i feel like a walking zombie right now. but i'm off to meet up some people people for lunch.

dreading the thought of the stupid work meetings i have to go to next friday and saturday, at (gasp!) 8:30 AM. yikes. that'll be a challenge...i honestly don't know how i'm going to manage that. it's sad, isn't it? posted at 12:41 PM |