i still feel like saying more...but i still don't know what to say...i just feel like talking to someone right now, but sean just went to bed and i feel alone. i didn't want him to get offline, but i know it was late for him, and i know that i am in an annoying mood right now...

*sigh*

i'm not doing well tonight. my period started earlier today, and i can't be losing blood right now, you know? i'm feeling really lightheaded. i ate lamb for dinner tonight, and i took an iron pill a little while ago. i really want to go to sleep but the guy upstairs doesn't seem to understand that just because he turned the volume down a little doesn't mean that i can't hear his stupid music anymore. and whenever i make him turn it off, he starts stomping his feet and walking around just out of spite. (at least, that's what it sounds like to me.)

anyway...aside from all that...i am just getting very frustrated trying to look for a job. i want to send my resume out to places, but i can't seem to find any places to send my resume to!!! i search and search and search and...and....nothing! why are these companies so hard to find?? i know they are out there...but how is a person like me supposed to seek them out? i feel hopeless right now...

my body's falling apart. no job possibilities. asshole upstairs neighbor (will the music ever stop?????). i don't want to complain. i don't like being a complainer. i want to do something, but i feel weak right now. i've lost so much of my drive and motivation...hard to recognize myself sometimes. how did i end up like this? so not what i planned...not what i ever expected...what the hell am i supposed to do?

uugggghhh! - i'm so sick and tired of listening to this damn better than ezra song that upstairs guy has heard at least 3 times tonight. i can't take it anymore. posted at 11:38 PM |  

fucking upstairs neighbors from hell...

*bangs on ceiling with broomstick*

i'm having one of those days where all of my faults are hitting me at once...i wish i were braver. i wish i were more aggressive. i'm tired of being a wimp...why am i so goddamn scared of everything???

i thought i had more to say, but that's about it. posted at 10:36 PM |  

i was talking to my cousin earlier tonight, and she used the phrase "your parents" to refer to my dad and step-mom. it immediately felt really odd to me - i don't know how to explain it. i just don't consider them as a unit to be "my parents", you know? usually, in the past, my cousin would sometimes slip and say "your parents" and then immediately say "i mean, your dad", or something like that. but tonight, she didn't do that. she used "your parents" twice with no hesitation or anything...it's something so silly, and i doubt she even realizes how odd and weird it makes me feel...my step-mom did not come into my life until i was about 21, and i was certainly not in need of parenting at that point. honestly, i feel weird even using the words "step mom", because it has a "mom" in it. she's not my mom. she's not anything close. i have my real mom, and she is my parent.

now, i don't hate leslie. she's a sweet person. weird, and sometimes annoying, but i don't hold anything against her. i just don't consider her to be family. if that's wrong, then fine. in my mind, to consider someone family, i have to feel it with my heart. i can think of people who are not related to me by blood or marriage, but who i consider to be family just because of the way i feel around them - comfortable, loved, happy. i can't think of a single moment that i have felt that way around my step-mom or my step-sister.

i admit, i am a hard person to get to know. i don't open up easily at all. i've never made an effort to get to know them better. but i feel no desire to do so...some people, when i meet them, i'm drawn to them and want to form a connection with them. but with other people...i don't. it's just the way i am. i get upset when people say "she's not that bad, you should give her a chance", that kinda crap...if it's not from the heart, if i don't genuinely want to bond with her, then what good is it going to do? i feel like i'm being fake everytime i talk to her. it's too much work, and there have been no results to show for it.

sometimes i think about when i'm older and have kids...i don't want her to be their "grandmother" - is that wrong? i think it would hurt my dad a lot to hear that...anyway, that's a long ways away, and who knows what will happen by then...but as of right now, i don't consider her to be family, let alone my "parent". posted at 11:27 PM |  

i feel like i slept all day today. i hate being restless but at the same time, too tired to do anything...

listening to a coldplay concert on kfog's live from the archives right now...good stuff.

new alias episode in about 40 minutes! i'm so excited!! posted at 8:19 PM |  

cal had 2 first round draft picks! that's so cool...i wonder when was the last time that happened...

i'm not too sure about boller going to baltimore, but hopefully it'lll work out well for him. posted at 2:29 PM |  

i felt unusually energetic tonight, thought i could even skip an iron pill...but then around midnight started feeling a tiny bit dizzy, so i took one. i did get a good amount of cleaning done though. i figured i better do it while i had the energy. kitchen was getting pretty bad. i haven't tackeled my room yet...it looks terrible right now. i'll try tomorrow maybe. i also need to vacuum the whole apartment. things just slip past me when i'm tired and feeling crappy.

anyway, my bed is calling my name now... posted at 1:03 AM |  

in keeping with the theme of things going wrong with my body, i have a HUGE freakin toothache. it's been bugging the hell out of me. if i have a cavity, wouldn't the dentist have seen it? i just went a couple weeks ago...what could have happened between then and now?...fuck, it hurts.

anyway...the girl i know who was having problems with her husband has moved out again. i'm not sure how long she'll be staying with me...i mean, she keeps getting back together with him, and then he kicks her out again, and then they get back together again...you get the picture. not a healthy relationship... posted at 7:13 PM |  

i feel better today...i think my day of rest yesterday helped a lot...i wish i could take every wednesday off...maybe i'll use up some of my vacation days and do that.

i'm kind of annoyed because i thought i'd have a few vacation days that i'd need to 'use or lose' by may 1, but the stupid hr person in my office said that because i got a new contract on november 1, my vacation days go from then until oct. 31...so i still have a whole 6 months left to use them, which makes me less likely to use some now just for the hell of it. i'd rather save them for a few months, just in case i decide to take a trip somewhere, you know? i mean, i have 10 days left, so that's a nice 2-week vacation, in theory. or two 1-week vacations. or...whatever...

i should probably save some time for interviews too, just in case i ever have to go to one...seems unlikely, but i can hope, right?

i've been so tired and out of it over the past 5-6 weeks...only sent out 1 resume during that whole time. and yes, i'm pissed at myself - missed some opportunities. i wish i had the time and energy to really make more of an effort to find myself another job. it's even harder now because my hands are giving me problems and i'm trying to spend less time on the computer...i think i am very un-ergonomic, which isn't helping. stupid big ikea desks at work - they are built for tall swedish people, not me...

anyway, gonna try to go to bed early. i love sleeping. have i mentioned that? it is the best medicine sometimes... posted at 11:28 PM |  

i hate my upstairs neighbors. they are so fucking rude and obnoxious. the guys anyway. total assholes. i can't manage my anger very well these days as it is, i don't need people like them pissing me off when i need some peace and quiet. posted at 11:10 PM |  

i didn't go to work today. felt like shit when i woke up. my throat hurts a lot.

i don't know what the hell to do...i've taken so much sick leave lately...i feel bad... posted at 1:15 PM |  

i want to go to sleep, but i feel sick, and i can't sleep when i feel sick...i'm just so uncomfortable...i hate it when i get this "sick" feeling inside me, because i can't explain it and i can't list my symptoms...it's just this yucky feeling that something's wrong in my body...

fuuuuuuucccckkkk....what the hell is going on with me? i just want to feel ok. i've never felt so unhealthy in my life. it's like everything in my body is wearing out...i hate this. posted at 12:51 AM |  

i feel like i'm getting sick on top of whatever is already wrong with me : (

got the results of the thyroid test, it's normal. so, that's one less thing to worry about. although, i read that 'normal' varies from person to person and some people may have a level which is in the normal range, but it may not be normal for them personally...so i don't know, i guess i'll just keep an eye on it and get it checked every year. i'm really most concerned about it causing me to get carpal-tunnel...don't want that...have i mentioned that i'm still using my left hand for my mouse? i think the problem was that i had to stretch my right arm out too far to reach the mouse (because, if you'll look at your keyboard, you'll notice that the keypad takes up a lot of room on the right side). when i use my left hand, i don't have to reach nearly as much, so it's much less strain on my shoulder/arm/hand.

anyway...i think i have my yearly review tomorrow. i also think my manager is going to be upset with me for not talking to certain people about me wanting to maybe take some time off or reduce my hours. i told him i would, but...uh...i didn't. yes, i have problems. really, i just like to avoid talking to people that i dislike - is that so wrong? un-adult of me perhaps, but whatever...

i think what i will do is just use up some of my vacation...take some half-days over the next week or two...see if i get some energy back by then. posted at 7:47 PM |  

i wonder how long i'll have to keep taking iron supplements...it's kind of a pain in the ass. i don't like them. but i get very tired when i don't take them...i forgot to take one with dinner today and then was about to fall asleep at 10 when my cousin called and said she was coming over. so...i stayed up and we hung out for a while. by the time she left, i felt like my eyes were having trouble staying open.

anyway, i just had some strawberries and took the damn iron pill...i better go to sleep before my stomach starts going nuts. posted at 11:54 PM |  

i had yet another weird dream last night. it's so weird that i don't want to even write about certain parts. it started with me getting a haircut...except, i think one of the iron chefs was doing the cutting. anyway, it was a terrible haircut. but in my dream, i was happy with it. it made me feel like there was less stuff weighing down my head. most of the dream after the haircut took place on a bus in san francisco. i have no idea where i was going, or why there were famous people on the bus, or why i was sitting next to one of them. but basically, some really bizarre stuff happened on that bus. when i woke up in the morning, i was just like "what the hell?". i mean, with most dreams, i can kinda-sorta figure out where they came from in some respects, but this one - the ending in particular, i have absolutely no idea what brought it on. posted at 7:08 PM |  

i don't feel so good. but, what else is new?

i once again slept a lot this weekend, but actually managed to go out for a while. went to a movie, did a little shopping, etc. wore me out completely, but hey, it was definitely an improvement over the past several weeks...

anyway, i'm about ready to go to sleep now. it's only 11:30, but i'm yawning like crazy. and i'm cold so i want to get warm and cozy in my blanket... posted at 11:22 PM |  

i wanted to blog about something last night, but couldn't find the words...

i was thinking about luck. do you believe that some people have good luck, and others have bad luck...not just once in a while, but in general, throughout their lives? a few weeks ago, my mom was talking about her bad luck. i started wondering if i would be like that in 30 years...i know that i've often blamed things on bad luck, but i tend to be a lot more optimistic than my mom - i always assume that things will get better. they never do really, but i wait. my mom, on the other hand, has pretty much accepted that she's had a depressing life and that it isn't going to get better. it's pretty sad.

anyway, last night, i was chatting with sean a little, and he started up with the "god hates me" crap. ever since i've known him, he's said things like that - that god is punishing him, god doesn't want him to be happy, etc. not that he's religious, he's not. but he definitely feels like one of those people with bad luck. possibly due to bad karma - him doing things that were wrong in the past. i don't know what's going through his head really, why he feels the way he does...granted, he's done some things in the past that were terrible. but...i don't think they were his fault. i mean, yes he made the decision to carry out these bad ideas that came into his head, but really...the way people act out is so largely affected by things that happen in their childhood...sean can't help the fact that he had problems when he was a kid, that he didn't get enough attention from his parents and so forth. i don't feel like i should go into too much detail - and i really don't know much about his childhood - but suffice it to say, there was stuff going on that i definitely do not consider normal, or anything close to it.

but, aside from all that, he's grown into someone with a good heart. isn't that what matters in the end? i wish he could look at all the good things he has in his life and be thankful for them, instead of constantly bitching about bad luck, and about him getting what he deserves. there are times i have really envied him - i wonder if he even knows that.

i know that i have gone through times when i look back on my bad luck...i ask why, i wonder what i did to deserve it...thinking about things in that way has often brought me to tears. but i don't think i've ever let it control my life, i don't think i've ever given up on things because i felt i wasn't destined to be happy...it just breaks my heart to see other people who do. posted at 7:01 PM |  

nick emailed me today and asked if i want to go to a movie this weekend. sounds simple enough, but i was really surprised by that. the last time i saw him was 3 years ago, and frankly, given the way that night ended (AWKWARD), i fully expected to never see him again. he's been at stanfurd for quite a while now...still haven't seen him or spoken to him...i mean, he didn't even really tell me when he came out here. for a long time, i thought he was still in new jersey, when in fact, he was just across the bay. anyway, so i'm worried that things will get awkward again when i do see him in person. but it would be rude not to see him...i mean, he's a friend, he's a good guy...i don't have any reason to avoid him...other than how intensely awkward i've felt knowing that he 'liked' me (that sounds so 8th grade, but i don't know how else to put it).

i try to reassure myself that he must not feel that way about me anymore, but that's what i told myself last time too, and boy was i wrong then... posted at 7:35 PM |  

sean just found out that he didn't get this job that he thought he had in the bag...he's super-pissed. had stopped applying to other places - that's another thing about him: he never has a back-up plan.

i had a bad feeling about this job from the beginning...he seemed a bit too confident that he would get it. and now he's just as disappointed and depressed about not getting it...sucks, really. poor guy, i don't even know what to tell him. he gets so emotional. puts all of his hopes and dreams into one thing, and when it doesn't come through...he hits rock-bottom.

i wish i could help calm him down. i know this is hard for him to deal with, and i want to help, but i don't know how...i don't know what i can say or do...i just want to be there with him right now. posted at 10:08 PM |  

ok, iron pills suck. i was up half the night because my stomach was making weird noises...maybe i should have sprung for the $25 'gentle' ones. i didn't realize how sensitive my stomach was.

i didn't feel as dizzy today though, so that is a good sign...

anyway, i went to the dentist today. tried a new one because my regular hygenist hasn't been around and i don't like her replacement that much. anyway, this dentist was nuts. very berkeley. all organic crap. (by the way, i don't recommend organic toothpaste.) and then he gave me the bill - fuckin $250! for a cleaning! i should have asked how much he charges before i went there...my dad's the one that told me to try him out, so it's all his fault! i don't think my insurance will be covering all that...plus, my teeth don't even look all that white! (probably because of the organic toothpaste)

i'm getting sleepy now. i better eat dinner and then get myself to bed early... posted at 7:56 PM |  

i had another weird dream last night, but i don't remember it too well...what i do remember is some insane bird-chirping outside my window at 6 AM. (i believe this was real, not in a dream) i actually got out of bed because there was this really high-pitched chirp that sounded different from all the other chirping noises. so i thought it was maybe one of my smoke detectors giving out a low-battery beep. got out of bed, walked around the apartment, then realized it was coming from outside. so i guess it was a bird. why on earth do they chirp so much??? is it bird mating season or something???

i feel like a heartless freak for complaining about birds chirping...but considering i'm not getting much sleep as it is, i really don't need birds waking me up at the crack of dawn... posted at 9:39 PM |  

i've decided i need a new doctor. i don't think this guy knows what he's doing. i called today and he said to take iron pills. but he also said that anemia shouldn't be causing my heart to pound so much. i got the impression that he thinks that i'm stressed out and that this is all psychological, that i'm making it out to be more of a problem than it actually is, etc. but i know that something is wrong with my body. i've been way more stressed at other points in my life and i've never felt like this...

one of my relatives is a doctor, and she said to get my thyroid tested. that's another possibility that matches my symptoms...but my doctor never even mentioned that. i can't tell you how frustrating it is to not know what is wrong...after i spoke to my doctor this afternoon, i could feel my condition become even worse, just from the anxiety of not knowing what the hell is going on with my body...

anyway...after talking to my doctor, i spoke to my manager and explained what was going on. he told me that i could take a leave of absence or cut my hours down until i feel better. so i might do that. i'm pretty much useless for half the day anyway...

so the plan now is to try to find a new doctor first. if that doesn't happen, i'll ask this doctor to do a thyroid test and go from there...my manager is going out of town for a week, and i'm supposed to let him know what i want to do when he gets back...i guess it'll depend on whether or not i find out what's wrong with me by then...

*sigh*...this sucks. posted at 8:31 PM |  

my head hurts so much...i hate getting headaches...i've been getting so many of them lately...i just want my doctor to hurry up and give me something!!

anyway. alias was a re-run, so i watched the celebrity trading spaces episodes tonight. i think sara rue got screwed. some things in her room were alright, but the desk alone made me cringe. the rust on the filing cabinets looked hideous. poor thing, i feel so sorry for her...i'm not liking gen much these days...her kitchens are ok, but i wouldn't want her doing any other room.

what's up with all the gray paint? is that a trendy color now? they seem to be using it so much lately...i don't really like it most of the time. depends on the other colors in the room i guess... posted at 11:29 PM |  

had another weird dream last night...it involved an animal that could talk. i was in bed with some guy and this 'mouse' (i thought it was a mouse, but it really looked more like a huge squirrel or something) came out of somewhere and started yelling at us...complaining and throwing its hands in the air and walking around the room giving us this lecture...it was wearing a hat and a little sweater or something.

this was honestly one of the weirdest dreams i have ever had in my life. posted at 7:51 PM |  

i've been having some odd dreams lately. i think it's because i'm having so much trouble sleeping...last night, in one of my dreams (i remember several of them because i kept waking up), i was having lunch at someone's house, and these two guys came in to rob us. i think they had guns. everyone was unusually calm though. we all had cellphones in our hands but no one called 911? it was weird. oh, and while in the middle of another dream - or perhaps it was a dream within a dream - i was thinking how weird it was that my dreams were like continuations of each other...like, in one dream something had happened, and then the next night, the dream from the previous night continued, or at least something in that dream was referenced in this dream. but, all this could have been a dream about dreams...i was totally confused, couldn't remember if in fact i had even had the earlier dream. (i'm sure this is making no sense at all, but trust me, it was strange.) i had a dream that sean was here visiting, but he was hanging out with this other friend of his instead of me. i remember so clearly the voicemail he left me in this dream and how i felt disappointed but at the same time was trying to be understanding...

you know what i like paying attention to in dreams? where i'm living. it never looks like my actual apartment. or even my neighborhood.

and i also think it's funny how people who have never met each other in real life do know each other in my dreams.

anyway...it's only 12:30-ish but i think i'm going to head to bed...feeling worn-out...i hope i can sleep through the whole night this time. posted at 12:39 AM |  

still no word from the doctor...still feeling like shit...still not getting any work done...

didn't talk to the manager today either because the bitch was still around and i'd rather do it when she's not there.

some days...man, i just can't take the sound of her voice...it's beyond irritating. and that's not even taking into account the ridiculousness of what she's saying most of the time. pointless, unfunny blabber. and then she laughs at all her own "jokes" - an annoying, seal-like laugh. and she's soooooo loud. i need earplugs. i can't hear myself think most of the time...

so glad it's the weekend. i think i shall spend it sleeping. posted at 7:24 PM |  

was chatting with sean again...he's been bartending so i guess that's why he was working so late...though, i don't think he's been doing that every night...i understand that he likes to go out and have fun, but it just irritates me that he doesn't have any money saved up. i mean, he just spends - wastes - money, all the time, without even realizing it. it would be alright if he had a real job and a steady income, but he doesn't. he knows he needs to go see a doctor, but he won't save up a little bit of money to get a check-up. it pisses me off. posted at 10:57 PM |  

i intended on talking to my manager today...just to explain that i'm not really getting much work done because my head is all fuzzy and stuff...but, i chickened out. i've been so incoherent lately and i really didn't know what to say or how to say it. i'll try tomorrow...i worry that some people think i'm slacking off. last night i dreamt that i was fired. i was upset at first because it was so unexpected and i didn't do anything to deserve it, but then i got super happy because i realized i wouldn't ever have to go back there! anyway...i don't know how i would take it if i got fired in real life. i say i don't care, but i don't know how i would react if it actually happened...i don't think i would handle it as well as i did in my dream...

anyway...basically, if i don't have this lesson done on time, and if my excuse is that not enough oxygen has been going to my brain, then i don't want to hear "why didn't you tell us earlier?" so, i do need to tell someone soon...i don't think anyone in the office knows that i'm still feeling the way i'm feeling. posted at 7:13 PM |  

chatted with sean for just a few minutes. he said he's just been working...i don't know, i feel like he's being weird. i mean, i know he wasn't waiting tables until 2 AM.

whatever. i don't know why i obsess over stupid things...i wish i could stop it. i mean, he doesn't even seem like the same person anymore most of the time...so, why do i care???...uuuggghhh....i just feel so ridiculous sometimes.

i'm going to sleep. posted at 11:36 PM |  

i feel like i've gained a lot of weight recently. which is weird because i've had no appetite for 3 weeks. posted at 7:18 PM |  

i'm still up...was emailing for a while...always ends up taking longer than i think it will. as does blogging.

i haven't heard from sean in a while and so i'm starting to worry as usual...it's silly - it's only been about a week. i just wonder what's going on with him. i'm guessing that either he went out of town and forgot to tell me about it (which is weird), got a job and forgot to tell me about it (which is even weirder), has a girlfriend, or is depressed. but, it's only been a week and so maybe i'm just insane for speculating about any of this...i just start to miss him so easily. and it seems odd to me that he hasn't been on IM and hasn't even emailed to ask if i was feeling better...anyway, so i just emailed to check up on him. i hope i'll hear from him soon.

time for bed... posted at 1:16 AM |  

blah. i'm so tired. i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep...i can't tell you how difficult it was to get out of bed this morning. my head was pretty fuzzy for most of the day. i was having a lot of trouble typing. it was like my fingers didn't know where any of the keys were located...or they were just too tired to reach them. i don't know. it was weird.

work is just beyond frustrating these days...mostly because i can't think straight...i don't know what to do...i wish i could get out of some of it at least. i just feel so much pressure all of a sudden - and it's not the good kind of pressure that gets you going. it's the bad kind. the "i give up, i can't think anymore!!!!!!!"-kind.

anyway...

so the girl that came by tonight was ok...not too bad, but also not someone i'd really become friends with. just someone who seems quiet and considerate - won't cause trouble, but also won't really hang out with me. i guess that's alright. she's still looking at some other places, not moving until june. i have no idea if she even liked my place. really non-expressive face...

oh, some good news. the other cousin that i was helping with application essays for grad school got into carnegie mellon, ucla, and michigan. not too shabby, huh? i'm happy for her, i think she was starting to get a little worried...anyway, this was the first time i spoke to her since her friend died. i thought she might need some time. i was actually unsure of whether or not i should even bring up the subject...i just told her i was sorry to hear about it. i can't imagine how hard it is... posted at 12:25 AM |  

i'm tired but don't feel like going to bed. i think it's the time change or something, i don't know...i've been feeling very restless tonight...but i wasn't productive...too tired to be productive...i don't even know what i want to say right now, have too much on my mind and i'm going insane.... posted at 12:31 AM |  

someone's coming to look at the apartment tomorrow...i'm not very enthusiastic about it...sometimes, when i talk to people on the phone - even for just a minute - i just don't get a good vibe...and that's what happened today. i just didn't get good feeling inside when i heard her voice...hard to explain. posted at 10:44 PM |  

my doctor doesn't really seem like he knows what he's doing...i don't know...i go in today, and he says my iron's a little low and asks me if i know why. so i told him that i have thalassemia minor. and then he says something like "oh...so this could either be normal, or you could have both thalassemia and anemia...i can't tell because i didn't test you for that...why didn't you tell me earlier?" um, maybe because you kept telling me that i had a virus, despite the fact that i had no cold symptoms and no fever? maybe because you didn't ask me anything about my blood or iron level? maybe because i'm not a doctor and i didn't know that what i was experiencing could be due to low iron levels?

anyway...so i had to take another blood test - as if i have that much to spare. i mean, i'm low enough as it is, then you keep taking blood out of me and making me worse!!!

i felt so tired and woozy after that. started feeling nauseous again towards the end of the day and decided to leave the office around 6 because i just couldn't sit there anymore feeling like that. (i only got about 2-3 hours of work done today, but i didn't care)

walking up the hill was not fun. my heart was beating like crazy so i was walking slower than normal and trying to breathe. i thought i was going to faint. i think it took me at least 7-8 minutes longer than normal to get home. i might need to start taking the bus...

i hate feeling like this. i wish i could take a few weeks off from work, wait until i'm feeling better... posted at 7:29 PM |  

apolo ohno is so damn cute...i don't know what it is about him that i like so much...i just got so excited when i turned on the tv and saw him... posted at 3:21 PM |  

just found out that a friend of my cousin's died. she was hit by a drunk driver.

i didn't know her, but i'm sitting here thinking about her. i'm sure that her death has affected a lot of people who didn't know her...sometimes, it just hits you - how short life can be. one minute she's driving. next minute......

it makes me want to stop making goals for the future and start focusing on now...i can't sit here and assume things will get better next month or next year or 5 years from now...what if i'm not around? i don't want to regret not having done all the things i want to do...i don't want to think about how much time i wasted...i need to figure out how i can be content today. this has always been hard for me...to focus on what i can do that would make me happy now, right this minute...i can't put it off and just *hope* that things get better...that's not how i want to live...not anymore...

posted at 11:36 PM |  

i think it's so weird that my upstairs neighbors blast indian music. (they're not indian) yes, it's catchy. but i mean...if you don't know the language, how do you even get into it? i find it odd...maybe it's the girl...i think there is a girl up there, but i've never seen her. maybe she's indian?

anyway. so i'm reading up on anemia. makes total sense now...all the symptoms...fatigue, fast heart beat, depression...check, check, check...dizziness, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate...that'll be me.

i wonder how long i'll be like this...do i have to eat red meat forever to keep it in check now? i don't want to take iron supplements, but i may have to...

milly - next lunch is going to be burgers, ok? : ) posted at 8:38 PM |  

got a message from my doctor's office saying i'm anemic. the doctor wanted me to come in again, so i made an appointment for monday. i don't know why i need to go in really...i mean, i already knew that i have a blood disorder that's related to anemia...i assume that's what the doctor was referring to. throughout my life, doctors have told me to eat more red meat, stuff with iron. i never really listened, and i've been fine up until now. i hardly got any iron at all the whole time i was living in michigan, and i was fine there. never had a single problem with fatigue (not counting the 3 consecutive all-nighters i attempted when my last finals were due).

anyway, i'm not one to complain about having to take time off from work, even if it is just to go sit in a doctor's office. so, i'll go and see what he says. i don't want to take any iron pills though, i don't like them. and i think the fact that i had the blood test right after my period probably made things look worse than they actually are, blood count wise. just guessing though, i'm no doctor.

i am still very tired though. starts to hit me around 3-4 in the afternoon. which means i get absolutely no work done during the last few hours of the day. fuck it though, they can fire me if i'm not getting the job done. at least that way i can collect unemployment. posted at 7:28 PM |  

i'm feeling a tiny bit better today...better than yesterday anyway...but then again, this is about how i felt on monday, and then it went downhill again. so i'm not sure what the hell is going on with me. but the bitch was out sick today with stomach problems, so maybe i somehow gave whatever i have to her! that would be great...i hope she's out for a week...

anyway. people were actually ok with me today, asking how i was doing and stuff. they haven't ever done that when i've been out sick before. but i think they were just being nice to me because there was a lot of work they wanted me to do...but whatever, i'm kinda glad i had some busy-work to do because it's a lot easier to do that than it is to work on a new lesson...and if they yell at me for not having the lesson done on time, i'll just tell them that everytime i started to work on it, someone would give me something else to do...not my fault! posted at 7:06 PM |  

i've been feeling like shit today. i don't know...

i talked to my dad and told him i'm thinking about quitting, but he wasn't very supportive of that idea. he just doesn't want me to sit around all day doing nothing. and i can understand that. but at the same time, it didn't really help me make a decision, you know?

sooooo frustrating. posted at 9:29 PM |  

i didn't go in to work today. still feeling dizzy and lightheaded... posted at 11:46 AM |  

i'm driving myself nuts. i don't know what to do, i don't know what's wrong with me...

this morning i didn't eat anything because i went to get that blood test, and so i felt really lightheaded the whole morning. i thought it was because i needed food - i hardly ate anything for dinner the night before because i had absolutely no appetite at all. so, i had some pasta salad for lunch...thought i would be able to handle that. but 2-3 hours later i was feeling uncomfortable again...came home, no appetite...then i started to feel a little hungry around 8:30. had a little bite, then again, totally lost my appetite...it's so annoying. i think part of the reason i'm feeling so weak and tired is because i'm not getting enough food. yet at the same time, when i eat, i get nauseous and lose my appetite...

sean thinks it is anxiety...work-related...and i guess it is probably at least partially due to that...but so, what do i do? how do i get over it?

*sigh*

when i was in 6th grade, i changed schools, and i was just going through a weird, lonely phase in general...anyway, so after going to this new school for a short time - maybe 2-3 weeks or so, i don't really remember - i got "sick". at the time, i thought i really was sick - i felt sick inside. but, in retrospect, i probably wasn't actually sick. i was just unhappy at that school and didn't feel like going. i was just so miserable there, i don't know what it was...

so i'm wondering if i'm having some sort of relapse of that...i do think i was actually sick a couple weeks ago, but as to why it's lingered this long...i don't know. i don't know if it's a virus or if it's my body reacting to my state of mind...

(please, no jokes about SARS - i've heard that about 3 times today)

i think about quitting, but it's not an easy decision for me to make. especially at a time like this, when there are so few job prospects out there for me...i think about what people are going to say...i feel like i should be stronger and try to hang in until i find something else...but then there are some people who are telling me that i'm crazy for sticking around when it's clearly affecting my health and well-being...so i don't know, i'm just very confused. my boss hasn't been in the office in a week, so i haven't even spoken to him yet. i don't feel like i can talk to the manager really, he just makes me feel uncomfortable these days...i'm concerned that if i do talk to either of them, i might just burst into tears. i really do not want to do that. i hate it when i cry in front of other people - especially people who aren't friends or family...it's embarrassing...not to mention awkward...

alright, i'm tired now and all this thinking is making me feel worse......i need to go get some rest... posted at 12:03 AM |  

i feel nauseous again : (

anyway...i feel silly now for not realizing that sarah and no name were just playing an april fool's joke. i guess some people figured it out, but i was pretty clueless until i woke up to them as usual this morning. posted at 6:52 PM |