i need to go to bed soon, i feel like shit...way too tired tonight.

been feeling really bummed out too. it's like this part of me feels like a total failure. sometimes i just take a step back and look at my life and wonder what the hell happened to me. posted at 12:20 AM |  

so, not only do i not get a raise, but i also can't open up a 401k plan yet. the stupid hr person told me the first 6 months i was working here basically didn't count for shit, so i have to wait until november. (assuming i will still be around then)

not a huge deal, but it just pissed me off. 6 months is a long time to work somewhere for nothing. ok, i got paid and i had insurance, but i mean, i lost vacation days, didn't get raise when i should have, and now i find out i can't open a 401k, so i'm losing a little money in a sense. it all seems kinda shady to me. i feel like they are just making up this shit. i also feel like my boss isn't talking to me anymore. i think they are going to fire me. and to that i say, please, please, please do!!

anyway...i had some leftover thai food from lunch that i wanted to eat for dinner, but i think the waitress never brought it back to me. or maybe i just left without it. i was so out of it. didn't even notice until i left work...so, i'm sad now because it was yummy and i'm craving some more of it... posted at 7:15 PM |  

well...no raise for me.

the company doesn't have enough money to give anyone raises right now. great, huh? i stuck it out for the past few months thinking "well, at least i'll be getting a raise soon!" - ha!

anyway, i attempted to get some things across during my review, but i don't know how successful i was.

first of all, i told the manager that i want to be more involved in decisions that are made. if i can't make the final decisions, that's fine and totally understandable, but i just want my ideas/opinions to be heard at some point, rather than being left out of the loop completely. i think he got that, but i'm not sure if it's actually going to happen.

second, i feel like a lot of the skills i learned in grad school are being totally wasted because i don't use them here. i told him i feel like i'm going down a different path from what i actually want to be doing, and what i liked doing most when i was in grad school. i tried to explain to him what that was, but i don't think he got it. i think he thought i meant something else entirely (user testing), and then he started saying that i might be able to do that some of that. which is fine, user testing sounds much better than what i do now, and it's probably more marketable. but, whether or not this will actually happen depends on whether we'll have a few bucks to pay high school students to use our software. outlook's not so good right now.

other than that, we talked about the communication problems i have with the bitch. he told me that he thought i wasn't being aggressive enough, that when i tell the bitch about a problem i found and she just dismisses it or doesn't do anything about it, i get frustrated very easily and then just keep quiet about it, rather than pushing it on her and insisting that she do something. in other words, he thinks i should be more confrontational. which is totally weird, because i started becoming non-confrontational in order to avoid starting too many (loud) arguments with her. and also because the last time i spoke to the manager, he said that i have to trust the bitch's judgement (which i understood to mean that she makes the final call, and if she thinks something's ok, then i have to accept that). uuuggghhh!! i can't win either way. so annoying. but, i think i have to be more careful about what i say to her, because apparently he listens in on our conversations.

anyway...the review lasted about an hour, and then of course, at the end of it he tells me i'm not getting a raise! so that sucked. i'm actually not even sure if i'll have a job after august if we don't get any more funding. but, that may not be such a bad thing. bumming around and collecting unemployment sounds pretty good to me right now. posted at 7:26 PM |  

the electricity went out at work, so i got to come home early! yay!

*hoping it's still out tomorrow!* posted at 5:42 PM |  

don't really have much to say, but i have a feeling i won't be able to fall asleep for a while. i suppose that's what happens when i sleep in for 3 days in a row. it felt so good though! i love having days off from work.

anyway, nothing too interesting to report from this weekend...not in a blogging mood either...think i'll just go read or something. posted at 12:34 AM |  

by the way, i'm sorry about all the pop-ups. the only reason i moved to tripod was because there were not supposed to be any pop-ups as long as i had a banner, but as you can see, they LIED.

i've complained, because their website specifically says that there should only be 1 type of ad. but they just ignore me, say they'll pass along the message. bullshit.

thought about blogspot, but it seems to be down a lot. i don't know...i'll see. posted at 2:49 PM |  

i was looking at some pictures that were taken about a year ago...i've aged a lot in one year...gained weight, got bags under my eyes, and my hair looks terrible now. i really need a haircut, i've just been delaying it because i don't know what i want.

anyway, i'm beginning to hate the yahoo messenger. not because people are sending me ims all the time, but because it shows me how long sean has been "idle." when i see that he hasn't been at his computer in over 24 hours, my mind starts to wander...as much as i don't want to think about where he slept last night or who he was with, my mind just automatically goes in that direction, you know? it's quite possible that he's just been studying, but i don't know. he's not the type to not check email for 24 hours...alright, it's none of my business, and i don't know why i care. i suppose it might just be the not-knowing part that is driving me nuts. he doesn't like to talk to me about that aspect of his life. i get that. but sometimes i just sense that he's keeping stuff from me, and i hate that. posted at 2:40 PM |  

i'm still bugged. i don't even have the words to explain why, i'm just sick of it. my mom thinks that i can just find out whatever field has jobs right now, go get a master's in that field, and then get a job. so easy.

why doesn't she understand that i don't want a job just for the sake of working and paying bills...i want a job that i care about, that will drive me...a job that i will enjoy doing, regardless of how much or how little they pay me...

i have no desire to get a master's in business or computer science. never had much of an interest in either of those fields. nor do i see myself doing any of that stuff for a living.

anyway, my point is...there are so many people from all sorts of different fields looking for a job right now...but my mom makes me feel like i'm the only person who can't find a job because i "picked the wrong field" - i hate that she says that. i personally love my field. and i think when i tell other people what my field is, they think "that's cool" - they don't think "oh, the poor girl picked a terrible field to go into." and you know what else? i'm actually good at what i do. i know that i am. so why should i change fields? to be mediocre and something that i don't like?

*sigh*

what annoys me is that i know there are a lot of small companies out there who are in fact, looking for people like me. but they don't advertise with monster or hotjobs. their websites are impossible to find through a search. and on top of that, i just haven't had the time and energy to spend my nights looking for them. it takes a lot of hard work to find a job, and i just haven't been able to put in that work lately. i don't want to sit at a computer all night when i get home from work...i want to relax, hang out, talk to people...on the weekends, i don't even want to look at my computer to be honest. need a break from it. so...i don't know. i don't know how i am supposed to find these companies and contact them...i don't know when i'm supposed to find the time to do all that...it sucks...i don't mean to whine, but i just feel so hopeless sometimes...and my mom's little i-told-you-so's aren't helping. posted at 8:37 PM |  

uuuugggghhh!!!!!!!!!!

i'm having one of those days.

just got off the phone with my mom. she's driving me nuts. if i have to hear the words "i told you to blah blah blah and you didn't listen to me." one more time... posted at 8:21 PM |  

i feel like the issues i have at work just keep repeating themselves over and over...a couple things came up today. first, there's this page in the current lesson that's really stupid. one of the programmers came to that page, and told the bitch he wanted to take it out. i heard him explain to her why, and i heard her agree with him. now, i had told the bitch the same thing weeks ago - and i wasn't even rude about it. but, she just ignored me. yet now that the programmer tells her the exact same thing, suddenly she agrees!

oh. and the previous lesson had some really, really difficult crap in it. things that the students would have very little chance of actually answering correctly. i brought that point up with her a couple months ago. i remember specifically asking her "do you actually expect students to be able to do this? how do you expect them to get the exact answer to 3 decimal places?" and several other similar questions, and her replies were either "yes, they should know how to do this" or "i don't know" - and again, these issues were totally ignored until one of the programmers brought it up today. so now, we don't know what the hell to do with this lesson, and that programmer made it my job to come up with a solution for how to fix it!! fuck that. it's un-fixable. you know how i would fix it? i'd dump the whole lesson, that's what i would do. it's completely worthless anyway. but i don't think anyone wants to hear that, especially since it took them a month to program it (and still has some nasty bugs, i might add).

uuuuggggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i need a new job. posted at 7:38 PM |  

i feel better today. no major allergy attacks.

my roommate was here, so we talked for a while...i actually opened up to her tonight, for a change. she asked me something, and it got me started on bigger issues...it felt good to have someone to talk to about personal stuff. thinking back, i'm a little surprised that i mentioned some things to her...i told her some things that i haven't told anyone else really...not in such detail anyway...(stuff that occurred back before blogger existed).

anyway, my roommate was at a store in sf yesterday and she saw andrew ("the bachelor"). he was there shopping with the girl he picked. i think my roommate wishes he was her husband - she was very excited to meet him, and even asked for his autograph.

it's late, time for bed... posted at 1:06 AM |  

so, i don't think claritin is working on me. my nose will not stop running. it's ridiculous. i think i'm going to have to take something else to knock me out. is it ok to mix claritin with like sudafed or something? i feel absolutely terrible... posted at 11:11 PM |  

i left work a bit before 6. couldn't take it anymore. nothing to do, and my allergies were driving me nuts. i went over to walgreens and bought some claritin, but it hasn't started working yet. i think i'm gonna go take a shower. i'm so hot and sweaty... posted at 6:28 PM |  

aaaah-choo!

that's what i've been doing for the past hour or so. that and blowing my nose and wiping my eyes. non-stop.

i went to the gelato place during my lunch break. ran into my cousin there. i had a feeling i would. she loves that place. i do too, but i always have such a hard time deciding which flavor to get... posted at 2:50 PM |  

i'm so bored. i don't really have any work to do...allergies are really bothering me...this is going to be a long day... posted at 1:00 PM |  

just realized that my fly's been open this whole time. (i don't know why i'm sharing that, i hope no one noticed!) posted at 12:20 PM |  

blogging from work...hardly anyone's here today...big meeting in santa cruz, but of course i wasn't invited. (not that i want to be stuck in a meeting all day, i'd much rather be here goofing off.)

why is it so hot outside? is it usually this hot in may? it seems like august weather to me...

i haven't heard from sean, which is driving me nuts. i don't know what the hell is going on with him. bugs me that he's being so quiet. posted at 11:40 AM |  

my roommate came back tonight. she's been at her husband's, but then they got into a fight over something stupid so she came back here. why did she go see him in the first place? i don't know...she said something about him speaking to a marriage counselor. she thought it was a big deal for someone like him to take that step. i have my doubts, but it's her decision...normally, i would be happy if a couple was trying to work things out, but i just have no tolerance at all for violence. i don't believe that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship, a relationship in which one person has all of the control...i just don't see any good coming out of it...*sigh*...i just hope that she can gather the strength to make whatever decision is right for her... posted at 12:48 AM |  

so my roommate came back on saturday afternoon and i had a long talk with her...i *thought* i had convinced her to leave a message for her husband saying that she needed to be left alone for a week to think, and that she didn't want to talk to him or see him during this time. i then went to my mom's because her sister was coming down to visit and i felt like they should be alone so she could talk freely about everything (i feel like she stops herself from crying when she's talking to me). but when i came back tonight, she wasn't here. and she's still not here. so, i take it she didn't go through with the plan. or maybe she tried to, but he didn't listen. uuuuggghhh!!!

it makes me sick to think of what the poor girl is going through...can you imagine having sex with someone out of fear that if you didn't, he'd get angry and start beating you up?? cuz that's what she's been doing lately. he messes with her head so much. he makes her feel like everything is her fault...*sigh*...i just don't know what else i can say to her. i told her to try talking to a counselor or something, but she feels like it won't help. all of this just breaks my heart... posted at 12:17 AM |  

i barely slept last night...felt really uncomfortable. i think i finally dozed off around 6 AM. anyway, no more skipping iron pills. i thought since i was feeling so much better, maybe it would be alright for me to not take any for a couple days, just to clear out my stomach. but, i guess that was a bad idea.

anyway...no sign of the roomie. i think she went back to her husband's on thursday evening. i haven't seen her since then. i know they need to talk, but i don't like the fact that she's been staying there. i get worried : (

sean might take a job in portland. he's there right now meeting the staff and checking things out...i hope it works out. i was kinda sad that he didn't take a job at feinstein's office in sf, but the salary they offered was really low - certainly not enough to live on in the bay area. i prefer he be in portland than in DC though. at least we'd be in the same time zone. and there were times that i felt DC was not the safest place to be living, what with terrorist attacks and anthrax and snipers and such...i don't think he wants to move all the way out west though. we'll see. i know he likes this congressman a lot. and he's been without a job for a while now...can't be too picky when you're barely making rent...i can't say though, sean has a mind of his own, and what he decides to do is usually the complete opposite of what i think he will do... posted at 1:39 PM |  

i haven't done the friday five in a long time...here's today's, just for the hell of it...

1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?
i have one of those pur filters on my tap...tastes just like regular tap water to me though.

2. What are your favorite flavor of chips?
i like the lime flavored tostitos...might sound like a weird flavor, but it's yummy. especially with guacamole.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?
me? cook?...uh, i suppose by process of elimination, it would have to be pasta. but all i do really is boil it and use some store-bought sauce. so i don't know if that is considered cooking. but that's about the closest i come to cooking most of the time.

4. How do you have your eggs?
i don't eat eggs much, but i like a good omlette now and then.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?
my mom made some thai chicken thing last sunday - it was good. i don't usually like coconut, but she's a really good cook and pretty much anything she whips up tastes good to me! posted at 9:08 PM |  

forgot about the eclipse tonight...went out to look at the moon a few minutes ago, but it's not as cool-looking now. plus, trees are in the way.

anyway...i had one of those days at work today...the bitch has been out sick all week, so it had nothing to do with her...i just got really frustrated with things. the manager found a problem with the last lesson, and i heard him talking to one of the programmers about it, and both of them seemed really confused. so, i went over and told them that the reason that they were confused is because the graph was a little off. i noticed this a long time ago - in fact, it's a little off in several places. i noted them all down weeks ago and told a programmer to fix them, but she didn't. i guess it's not an easy thing to fix, or maybe she didn't think it was a big deal. anyway. so they were talking about what to do, how they could change it to make it work...and i think they decided what to do and went ahead and started making those changes. what pissed me off was that i was not involved in this whole discussion! i don't even know what it is they decided to do. it could be totally wrong...the point is, i was the only content person in the office, and i was not consulted on this change to the content! i felt really disrespected. and i also feel like the manager was upset with me for letting this slip through...but it's not my fault!! i didn't make the wrong graph, i didn't put in questions that students can't answer!! why do i feel like everything ends up being my fault regardless of whether or not i had anything to do with it...

and then, later i was going through the current lesson that's being programmed, and it SUCKS. i had so many issues with it. the art is terrible (i think our graphic designer is losing her mind...she's been doing all sorts of weird "art" lately. not to mention the fact that she doesn't know how to do simple math, and therefore fucks up a lot of graphs.) and there are so many stupid questions and crap that the bitch put it. totally worthless shit. and i'm looking at it, trying to not get involved, trying to not care, but i do care. i can't stand the thought of having my name be in any way associated with such a crappy product! i just can't.

so i made a list of all these issues i had and spoke to the graphic designer and a programmer. i still have to talk to the bitch about them when she comes back in...fun. posted at 10:30 PM |  

i was talking to my roommate some more tonight...she hasn't been here much the past couple nights...spent last night with her husband. i wonder what i would do if i were in her place. it seems so easy for me to say i'd have left him a long time ago, but she's clearly been brainwashed by him. she's also very attached to him and keeps bringing up his good points - saying how loving he is, etc.

um, since when does loving involving hitting and name-calling and making your wife feel really disgusted??

anyway. i think she's really insecure and scared, thinks that some of it is her fault. i don't know how to convince her that it's not...when i hear her say things, i start to wonder what would happen if i found myself in a similar situation one day...would i be the same way? would i be hesitant to leave someone out of fear that i wouldn't be able to find someone else? would i overlook behavior that i know is wrong, just because i think he loves me?

let's hope i never have to find out.

note to self: being single is better than being married to an asshole. posted at 12:25 AM |  

sometimes i hear things that make me feel ashamed to be an indian...i just can't believe how fucking sexist and close-minded some people are, and how firmly this type of thinking is rooted in our culture. i can't believe that in the year 2003, in the united states, there are indians who would say that women sometimes deserve to be hit. what fucking planet are they on?!?!?

i've been trying to get it through this girl's head that when someone hits you, you have to get the hell out of there. i don't care how much he promises that it won't happen again. just get the hell out!! but where is she now? you guessed it - back at his place.

many indian women put up with a lot of shit from their husbands, but they have to draw the fucking line at some point. i'm sorry, this shit makes me so mad. i didn't even want to write about this here, because i mean, it's none of my business, and i don't want to go publish someone else's business on the internet, but i just HAD to say something...it was eating me up inside to hear some of the things she told me - things that her husband and his parents have said to her, as well as things that she feels - that she can't leave.

i've never been married, so no, i don't know how hard it is to leave someone. but if you know in your heart that it's not going to work, and if you know that what he's doing is wrong, then you have to be strong and get out. posted at 10:01 PM |  

i've been feeling pretty good this weekend...i don't know if it's because i'm getting better or because i took it easy and got a lot of rest. i think probably both. but anyway, it's nice to feel relatively normal again. and this is the most normal i've felt in a loooooong time. posted at 11:45 PM |  

was just cleaning my room and i found a check that i forgot to deposit. unfortunately, it was void as of may 1. sucks, man. 20 bucks... posted at 9:13 PM |  

i actually worked for a full 7 hours today. i don't know why. i've done it a few times this week, believe it or not. partially because we have a cd-burn coming up. and partially because i just wanted to get stuff over with.

but, not to worry, i'll go back to slacking off next week : ) posted at 7:24 PM |  

just realized that it's my blog-iversary...2 years...weird how time flies...

in some ways, i feel like a lot has changed, but then i realize just how much has stayed the same. that bothers me. i need more change in my life right now. i feel like i'm in a rut...

anyway, here's to hoping for big changes during my third year of blogging...(at the very least, i should change this layout. i'm getting tired of it.) posted at 12:30 AM |  

did you know that hitting the escape key while blogging in blogger will delete everything that you wrote? i just found that out. by accident, of course.

anyway...before that happened....i had written about how sometimes, i find that i have to distract myself to keep from thinking about certain things that will depress me. there have been a couple things on my mind tonight, but i can't let myself go there...everytime i start to have thoughts on those matters, i have to say to myself "go watch tv" or "go read", things like that. anything to make myself stop thinking. it will be harder when i go to bed...that's when all those thoughts usually come pouring down on me...hopefully i'll be too tired tonight and fall asleep soon after my head hits the pillow. maybe i'll stay up later than usual, just to make myself extra-tired. it's already pretty late actually. just realized that. 1 already? this is what happens when i work late. the whole evening seems to fly by and i get nothing accomplished...oh well... posted at 1:04 AM |  

2 hours of alias, and i'm left speechless. the only words that have come to mind over the past 2 hours are "OH MY GOD!" and "huh?" and "what the hell is going on???" now, i love this show, but i can't believe i have to WAIT until september to find out what the hell happened. tonight's episode was nuts. i thought the one after the superbowl was wild, but tonight's was...i don't even know how to describe it. just nuts. it's the kind of show, where after it ends, i'm just sitting there for a few minutes trying to absorb what happened...

i think this is the best show ever. i don't know what it is, it just manages to grab my attention - and hold onto it - more than any other show has. and every now and then, it just totally blows me away. like it did tonight.

what the hell am i going to do on sunday nights until it starts again?!?! posted at 11:09 PM |  

the cal ruggers lost today...to a US team...that's...that's...unheard of!

12 national championships in a row, but 13 is not to be. it's so sad! : ( posted at 11:27 PM |  

i feel so sick today. blah.

my dad thinks something is wrong with me, besides anemia. he thinks i have like chronic fatigue syndrome or something. he doesn't get it. see, i inherited a blood disorder from him, and he's never had any problems with fatigue, so he doesn't understand why i do. he doesn't get the fact that he's a man and therefore doesn't lose blood for a few days every month. that shit can add up, you know? it's normal for me to feel tired when i'm on my period, but it is about 10 times worse now...plus i feel like throwing up sometimes, and that's not fun...

i just want to go back to bed now. posted at 2:36 PM |  

someone upstairs is trying to learn how to play a red hot chilli peppers song on the guitar. i've been listening to him all morning. he sucks. posted at 1:06 PM |  

i got an email from someone this morning, someone i didn't know, and it was a personal email (not spam or anything). i figured that he was trying to contact a different person with my name (i know that there is another person with my name, i've had other people contact me by accident while looking for her), so i emailed him back to let him know that i wasn't the person he had intended to send that email to. well, he wrote me back tonight, totally not getting it. he's like "i'm raj from madras, don't you remember me?" it was like he was insisting that i'm a member of his family...filled me in on all this family stuff - so and so just had a baby, and his mom is coming to the US, and how is anil, and do i want anything from india, etc...it was hillarious. so i wrote him back and explained that i do not know any raj from madras, nor do i know any anil, or anyone else that he mentioned in his long email.

indians are so funny. posted at 12:01 AM |  

i.....feel sick.

nick came over tonight and we went to a movie. he wanted to do something a couple weeks ago, but i wasn't feeling up for it, so i had postponed it. and i wasn't really sure about going tonight either, but the poor guy's been waiting for a while. and he offered to come all the way over here, so i thought i'd be alright. we were supposed to go to a 7:30 show, but he got stuck in traffic and we were too late for it. so then we ate and went to a 9:30 show, which these days is way too late for me. i was so uncomfortable. i got really dizzy while i was eating dinner, and then i just wanted to go to sleep. my back was hurting. the seats in the theatre were uncomfortable...*sigh*...but i didn't complain, i did the best i could. it was nice seeing nick. and i only felt awkward a few times. overall, he's just such a laid back guy that it's hard not to be comfortable around him. the only problem i have is when he makes eye-contact with me (or rather, stares at me) because i feel like he's looking at me in this way, and i'm not looking back at him in that way, you know what i mean? it breaks my heart sometimes...he's such a sweetheart, and he makes me laugh...but...i'm just not the least bit attracted to him...not one tiny bit : (

oh well.

i'm just glad that things were nice tonight, that it felt ok being with him. we left things on a very awkward note the last time i saw him, and it's always bothered me. i seriously thought that he wouldn't want to see me ever again after that. or that things would be weird between us. but, they weren't. and so...i'm feeling very relieved and happy right now, and i hope that things remain this way. posted at 11:44 PM |