had a terrible day at work today...nothing in particular happened, i just hate being there some days. i want to quit again. i just felt very depressed there today. maybe i was just tired. not feeling that great. i probably over-did things a bit over the weekend, didn't get as much rest as my body needed. felt really low on energy this morning. thought maybe i'd feel better after getting some food in me, so i had a burrito for lunch - bad idea. i ate so much, i thought my stomach was going to explode. i could barely walk back to the office, i felt so uncomfortable. thought i was going to puke for most of the afternoon. i don't know why i ate so much...

the bitch didn't "feel like" doing something that is part of her job, so she told me to do it. that's what i'm there for apparently - to do whatever crap other people don't "feel like" doing. and after over-hearing a conversation, it seems like there is even more of that crap coming my way...lovely...

i don't know what the hell to do. i hate getting new work piled up on me, i just don't have the motivation and brain power to do any of it.

*sigh*

life sucks. posted at 7:23 PM |  

blah. what a useless day at work.

anyway...i'm waiting for the blazing hot sun to go down a bit, then heading home for the weekend. i have a bunch of relatives coming to visit from ny and india...i haven't spoken to my mom since hanging up on her, figured it would be better to face her in front of other people so she won't bring it up (hopefully). i'm sure it must have pissed her off, but i just couldn't sit there and listen to all her screaming...what was i supposed to do??

i *hope* she can manage to stay relatively calm while my relatives are in town...everyone knows they have to walk on eggshells around her, never know when something will trigger one of her volcanic eruptions...

anyway, i'm excited to see the kids...although, they are growing up now and not as cute anymore...i'm trying to figure out where to take them...santa cruz maybe. i think they like rides. not sure about the exploratorium...i took them to a similar place in ny once, and they got pretty bored. but then again, that place was ghetto. the exploratorium is much nicer, from what i remember...not that i have been there in the past 15 years or so, but...oh, i don't know, it might still bore them. they are at a weird age. the older one is anyway. the younger one likes to be left alone...she takes after me : ) posted at 6:56 PM |  

i came in at 11 this morning, but i'm thinking about taking off soon....i don't know how i'll even last until 6....it's been a loooooong day. posted at 5:07 PM |  

i am so bored. i want to go home... posted at 1:49 PM |  

i was sitting at work today, and i guess my foot fell asleep or something. i didn't really make much of it. i got up to go to the bathroom, and fell right into the cubicle divider. i held on and kept my balance and then took another step, and again, damn near fell flat on my face. i'm surprised that i didn't. my foot was completely numb. i have never felt that way before... it was so hard to walk! i didn't realize that would happen. it was just the weirdest feeling in the world. and of course, people were staring at me wondering what the hell was going on...i felt like a dumbass...something like that could only happen to me...

i think that because my new desk is so short, the top of my knee presses against it a lot in some weird place that apparently has a huge affect on my foot. i'm no medical expert or anything, but this was not the normal "foot falling asleep" kind of sensation. this was more like my foot was completely cut off from my body. freaked me out after those 2 steps. but then i was ok.

i'll be more careful from now on. posted at 12:01 AM |  

summertime depresses me. aside from me not liking hot weather, i just get these body issues...

my roommate was buying a bikini a couple weeks ago and she asked me why i didn't buy one. uh...what can i say? in my mind, it's just not an option right now. lots of summer-ish skimpy clothes aren't options right now. people might look at me and be surprised by that. i don't know what to say... posted at 11:09 PM |  

it's so hot...i just feel all nasty and sweaty...

i shouldn't complain about the weather, i know. we are lucky that this is just a freak heatwave and not the normal summertime weather. many places have it a lot worse...but man, 100 degrees is 100 degrees and that shit is hot no matter where you are. posted at 8:02 PM |  

ooh, this is my first time using the new blogger interface...it's very...blue...

i don't even remember what i wanted to write now...oh yeah, i think i just wanted to complain about how hot it is. what i hate is that i freeze in the office when the AC is on (as it has been during this heat wave). never know how to dress. for the heat outside, or the cool inside?

i hope the fog rolls in tomorrow...i know it's not expected until saturday, but i don't like this weather.

it is past my bedtime. i better go. posted at 1:23 AM |  

just got off the phone with my mom...more accurately, i just hung up on my mom...i couldn't take it. she is so infuriating!!! drives me nuts. when she's stressed out, she takes it out on everyone...she just blows up. and in the process, she hurts everyone in her life.

it's no wonder that she's all alone. posted at 10:59 PM |  

this is my third attempt at writing something. i don't really know why i'm trying to write something, there's not much to say. i think i'm just bored tonight and my roommate's not here and i'm feeling too lazy to do anything else...

3 more days...ugh... posted at 9:35 PM |  

i got out of the ohio trip...told them i have relatives visiting that weekend. which is true, i do. well, actually i think they are leaving town the same night that i was supposed to fly out...details, details. i don't care. i just really didn't want to go to the meeting, and i think i have the right not to go. especially since i'm not screwing anything up by not going. i mean, i wasn't in charge of anything and i didn't have anything to present. i would have just been sitting there trying not to fall asleep, pretending to be paying attention to whatever they were talking about...

the problem with my blog archives seems to be ok now. i still think it was weird how that happened though. posted at 10:28 PM |  

something weird is going on with blogger...i'm pissed...

i searched for my name on google, and one of the links that showed up was called "mako says", but i recognized the little bit of text as something that i had written. then i realized that it was linked to an archive of my blog. i clicked on it, and was totally confused...it didn't "look" like my blog, but the entries were all mine, and most important, my full name was showing under each entry! holy shit!

so for some reason, some guy's template was being used for my blog. i have no idea how that happened. i republished all of my archives, so hopefully that will help. but i don't know...it's scary...the cached version still shows my name. this sucks...i have no idea why i used my full name when i signed up with blogger. guess i didn't think about stuff like this at the time...uuuggghhh!!! this is making me so mad. posted at 12:27 AM |  

i hate it when i have a really vivid dream that feels so good and so real...and then i wake up and realize it was just a dream : (

i wish there was a way to like, jump back into it... posted at 12:00 PM |  

i've been in a bad mood tonight. don't know how to explain it...there's just so many different things bothering me right now...i wish i could find a way to focus on one good thing, and forget about all the other crap, but some nights, it's just hard to do... posted at 11:47 PM |  

i finally saw finding nemo tonight...i liked it a lot....*sigh*....i should have tried for a job at pixar years ago...now that's a fun place to work. i've met a few people who work there, and they love it. and of course, it would be nice to produce something so cool, to have this be the end result of all your hard work...

it's funny, whenever pixar is working on a big project, they get a lot of take out from my dad's restaurant - they actually had a running tab during the making of this movie. my dad would have to send them invoices marked "finding nemo", and at the time, he had no idea what that meant. makes sense now, though. posted at 12:20 AM |  

so they put together the "mini-desk" for me at work this afternoon...i feel ridiculous in it. i can't cross my legs, which sucks...i know, technically, it's better if both feet are flat on the ground, but that just gets so uncomfortable after a while...oh, and not only is my table low to the ground, it also has a much smaller width than my previous desktop. i thought they were going to just take the legs off of that table, but instead, they used a small table top that was lying around in a box somewhere. so, i have much, much less surface area now. and, with the two filing drawers on either side, i don't even have any room to move from side to side. there's just this little slot that my legs can go in. i'm sure i'll be bumping into those drawers on a regular basis...*sigh*...i'll see how it goes tomorrow after i sit in it all day...not feeling very optimistic right now, though. posted at 11:37 PM |  

the doctor said i probably have tendonitis...she told me to see if my office could do something to my workstation that would help, or if they could get a professional ergonomics person to come it and do it, and if neither of these options worked, then she would refer me to an occupational therapist or physical therapist. somehow, i don't feel good leaving my body in the hands of the people that run my office. but, if i don't get better in a few weeks, i most definitely will be going back to the doctor.

anyway, at first one guy said that they would order whatever is needed for me...the stupid hr lady then had me sit in various people's desks all over the office and ask me if any of them were comfortable (they're all the same desk, the only difference was that some of them had keyboard and mouse trays under them). anyway, my issue is that i end up having to stretch too far to reach the mouse on those trays. so i prefer to use the desktop, where i can move things around when necessary.

next, she told me to try raising my chair up and she gave me a footstool to rest my feet on. she said something like "before i go ordering any expensive stuff, see if this helps." see what i mean? it didn't help...in fact, i think it made things worse. i had some massive back-pain this afternoon.

then, she had the brilliant idea of taking the legs off the table, and using two of these little drawers things we have to hold it up instead. now, these drawers are pretty damn short, but this seems like it's the best cheap option that i can expect from my cheapo company. hopefully someone strong will come do that tomorrow so i can try it out. i just don't know if it is earthquake safe. i mean, i don't see how they'll be able to bolt the table tops down onto the drawers. we are sitting right on top of the hayward fault line after all...if that's the desk i may need to duck and cover under one day, i want it to hold up!

all that aside, i'll be really low to the ground. it'll be weird. probably make the bitch feel even more like a princess than she already does. i'll be her little slave girl who is lower than her head at all times. lovely.

oh, and it looks like i will have to go to ohio next month after all. with the bitch and her best bud, the chief programmer. i better take a lot of aspirin with me...that is going to be a hellish trip. and i'm guessing ohio in july will be hot as hell too. i don't know how i got on the damn list...they don't have money to get me an ergonomics person, but they're going to pay for my flight to ohio and for my hotel room? riiiiigght, that makes total sense...

to add to the misery of this day, we had someone come in to talk to about working on the new calculus project, and of course, i was left out of the discussion completely. you know i actually read every single article that my boss handed out and made notes?? total waste of time, apparently. posted at 7:25 PM |  

i have another doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, this one for my hand. they said something about me needing to report it, but i didn't. i don't know what the formalities are...i mean, i use a computer at home too, so how can i say that it's a work-related medical problem? yes, i am uncomfortable at my desk at work, but i am uncomfortable at my desk at home too. i'm just short, i can't help it. it's hard to find a workstation in which my feet can reach the ground and my arms are at right angles and my eyes are lined up with the monitor...i'm not even sure it's possible really...maybe i need to buy a little kid's desk or something...

i actually started feeling uncomfortable at work when i moved from the open area in the back to a cubicle. but, i can't figure out why. i took the same chair and mouse with me, and the table is the same height. but for some reason, i always felt like something was a bit off...

anyway...i hope the doctor actually does something this time...it's annoying to waste time going in only to tell them your problems and have them say something generic like "don't use the computer so much." posted at 10:30 PM |  

i slept for over 11 hours last night...it still amazes me how tired i get. i fully expected to be up by 11/11:30...

my doctor did call me back yesterday, and she said that i should keep taking the iron supplements for another 6 weeks and then go back in and get more blood tests. my iron has gone up, but not as much as it should have. so...it's possible my body just doesn't want to absorb it, or that i lose too much during my periods...the doctor said i may want to try going on birth control pills if i don't get better in 6 weeks. we'll see...

i better go take a shower. posted at 1:48 PM |  

my boss finally came in to the office today...i feel like i've barely seen him at all over the past 2 weeks. anyway, all he said was "did you get my note?" so, i still don't know what his intentions are...i heard him mumbling about the budget and trying to figure out how many people he can afford to hire and stuff like that...so, maybe i will get laid off after all. i really have no clue what is going on.

anyway, it's friday, so i don't want to think about work. posted at 7:38 PM |  

little kids make me happy...

i spent the evening with some relatives who are visiting from the east coast. they have the cutest 4-year-old boy. he's such a sweetheart. he's got these big blue eyes and wavy blond hair falling in his eyes (he's only half-indian, in case that description didn't give it away). anyway, the boy just laughs like crazy. it cracks me up. and then he got so sad when i was leaving...

the thing i like about little kids - and by that i mean, 3-5 year olds - they really mean it when they hug you. they're so genuinely happy to see you, and then they get so heart-broken when you leave...it makes me feel good inside. (not the part about breaking their hearts, but just feeling loved)

anyway, i'm off to bed. my hands/arms/shoulders are killing me...i really need to avoid the computer as much as possible... posted at 1:09 AM |  

found out that a good friend of mine is 3 months pregnant...she was keeping it quiet for the past few months...i actually found out from someone else, which kinda sucked. but anyway...i'm just a little freaked out right now. i grew up with her. i've known her since we were both babies ourselves, and now she's having one! it's scary...

i'm happy for her, but at the same time, i'm concerned that she was pressured into it. i mean, doing some quick math here, she must have been married for only 4 months when she got pregnant. seems like such a short time...especially considering the fact that the last time i visited her she specifically told me that she wanted to wait 2 years...she wanted to go get her master's first...and she felt too young. her husband is about 5 years older than her though, and i know he wanted to have kids now. so...i guess he got what he wanted, but i don't know if it's what she wanted.

i hate to sound negative, i am excited for her...and i'm sure she'll handle motherhood well...but she just seemed so irritated by the idea of having kids just 4 months ago when we talked about it...i don't get it. how could she have changed her mind in one month? kinda wonder if it was an "accident"...that would be stupid though, doesn't make any sense. i'm so worried that she's just going to put all of her goals and ambitions aside now and just be a mom...i'm also worried that she did this just for her husband, not necessarily for herself...i don't know, i need to talk to her about it before i can feel more secure about the whole thing...for now, i'm just totally shocked.

i'm going to be an aunt (sort of)! gasp! posted at 1:11 PM |  

i don't really have anything to say, just feel like writing. i've been feeling out of it all week. just going through the motions...i don't know how to explain it.

i want to go on a trip somewhere, just to feel something...i need some stimulation...some excitement...

i'm so bored right now. that's what it comes down to. maybe the working world just isn't for me...doing the same thing day in, day out...seeing the same people...sitting in the same desk in the same cubicle...blah blah blah...

i think i'll apply to schools in the fall. or will that not help matters? was i bored in grad school too? maybe i should go back and read through some of my archives...remind myself of how crazed i got when i was in ann arbor.

i don't know what the fuck i want to do with myself. the more i think about the options, the more confused i get...nothing really appeals to me right now, to be honest. i wish i could just go on an extended vacation and not have to think about responsibilities and adulthood and stuff...i hate growing up. posted at 12:06 AM |  

sometimes i feel like doctor appointments are a total waste of time. they don't fucking do anything...i ended up just getting more blood tests done. i really wanted her to look at my hand and figure out if i have carpal tunnel or whatever, but the doctor said i'd have to make a separate appointment for that. so annoying.

i think this doctor seems a little better than the last one i went to though. i mean, at least she listened to my heart and asked me a lot of questions instead of just rushing me out.

anyway...i'm glad i took the whole day off from work. i slept in and relaxed a bit. i had nothing to do at work anyway, and i absolutely hate sitting there pretending to be doing something when really i'm just staring at the clock... posted at 4:10 PM |  

oh, i forgot to mention the little incident i had this morning...not sure if i want to, because i feel incredibly stupid just thinking about it, but here goes:

i should set the scene first. basically, there's a lot of construction work going on around my office right now, and they had to do stuff with some gas lines underground, just beneath the entrance to the path leading to my office. so...when i was heading in this morning, i was a little concerned that the sidewalk would be closed or blocked off. i was looking around, not paying much attention to where my feet were going, when suddenly, i realize that i'm sinking. yup, that little part of sidewalk just outside the entrance had just been repaved, and i had just left my mark in it.

the two guys who had just done the paving were standing there talking and didn't even notice what had happened until i was 10-20 feet away, trying to clean my shoes before going into the office. it was ridiculous. i fully blame them, of course. because i mean, they should have blocked off that area right after they finished paving it, instead of standing around talking, completely oblivious to the fact that someone like me could walk by and step in their work!

it could have been a lot worse too, trust me. i am somewhat surprised that i managed to keep my balance instead of falling in it face-down. but anyway, my shoes were ruined and i made a mess in the office. i was trying to act like nothing had happened, but i'm sure someone will notice all the gray crap under my desk and on my chair...i just felt like an idiot. i was in shock actually. i don't know how i didn't notice...i mean, i did see that the sidewalk was a different color, darker than usual, but based on that little glimpse, it looked like it had just gotten wet; i didn't realize that it wasn't solid...so yeah, maybe i'm just a moron. posted at 11:27 PM |  

so my boss emailed me back this evening. all he said was "thanks for the feedback. i will change my plans accordingly."

um...ok??? i have no idea what that means. i think he's too busy to think about it now. plus, until we actually get the money, i don't think anything can be decided. anyway...he was hardly in the office at all today and didn't say much to me. i'm taking the day off tomorrow too, so i guess i'll wait until thursday and see if i get any more info then.

but i think i am slightly encouraged by the email, as short and unspecific as it was... posted at 10:54 PM |  

ever have one of those days where you do something really stupid and then feel like a complete moron?...well, that's me. today. i'll explain later. posted at 1:37 PM |  

my boss still hasn't come in to the office...i'm curious what he'll say to me when he does come in. hopefully i won't be kept in suspense much longer. he better come in tomorrow. i don't know what the hell he's working on. i'm trying to imagine him sitting at home doing calculus...don't get me wrong, he's a former physicist, and he's taught middle school math...but, i bet you he's spent more time looking for a solution to a problem online than he's spent actually trying to figure one out himself. i understand though...it's hard to do advanced math when you get older. i feel that way already, and i'm only 25. sometimes i wonder if i'll be able to add properly when i'm my boss's age.

anyway...i felt like i was in a daze all day today. i was up late last night reading an article that my boss handed out to us at the meeting last week. i doubt anyone else even bothered to read past the abstracts (if that), but i actually find the stuff interesting. and i have a feeling that my boss is expecting me to read all of them and be able to discuss them with him. i'd like to be prepared just in case. so...i should go read another one tonight, make some notes, etc. i guess this is what happens when you have a professor for a boss...but, i don't mind. i like it, actually. posted at 11:53 PM |  

i really do not understand my upstairs neighbor's taste in music. why does he have such an extensive collection of bollywood music?!?!? i don't get it. just a few minutes ago, he was playing some heavy metal crap, and now, this hindi song...i don't have a problem with it (well, as long as it's not interrupting my sleep or blasted so loud that i can't hear my own music), but i'm just curious as to why he listens to so much indian music. sometimes at 3 AM i think i hear him trying to sing in hindi. i can't be sure though, because i'm usually half-asleep, and because it sounds way off-key...but anyway, if this guy didn't hate me so much, i'd try to talk to him and figure out what the deal was with the music. have i mentioned that he's complained to my roommate about me? what a weirdo. posted at 10:04 PM |  

i ate too much tonight. feel sick now.

i've been craving food lately, even when i'm not hungry. specifically, heavy, spicy food...anything with a strong taste. i usually get full after a few bites, but then just keep eating anyway because it tastes good and feels good. i think i'm turning into my mother. it's scary. posted at 1:10 AM |  

sometimes i feel like i'm really bad at comforting people. i listen, and i know that helps to some extent. but when it comes to giving comfort...i don't know. i'm at a loss.

i wonder if people think that i'm cold-hearted or something. i'm not, i just...don't know how to show how i'm feeling. same with affection. i've never been one of those people who goes around hugging everyone...it doesn't come naturally to me. maybe it's because i have such a hard time getting close to people (emotionally).

once, sean told me that he liked to watch me sleep because it's the only time that i'm not "guarded", or something like that. made me wonder what my body language was saying to people most of the time. probably "don't come near me!"

i guess, in some way, i just want to protect myself from getting hurt. that's what this type of thing usually comes down to, right? but, sometimes, i feel like it's also prevented me from being as good a friend as i would like to be. when my roommate started crying tonight, i wanted to help her so badly, but aside from listening, i just didn't know what else to do. it broke my heart...

to some people, it comes so naturally - being loving. it's one quality that i really wish i had. i think it would have made a lot of difference in my life. posted at 12:04 AM |  

so...i wrote my boss a long email today. he wasn't in the office, so he'll get it tomorrow. i don't know if it was a good idea or not. i was hesitating all day, then finally clicked "send" at about 6:15 this evening. i basically just apologized for getting upset yesterday, and then explained that i would need help doing all the work that he wants me to do, and that i would like to help contribute to the design of the new project, rather than being left out of it completely. except somehow that took me a lot of words to say, so the email turned out way longer than i had intended. i don't know what he'll think, if he even gets through the whole thing...but whatever, it's sent, so...not much i can do about it now. if i regret it tomorrow, fine. i just needed to get my feelings out.

my boss is a hard person to deal with. he's nice when he's in a good mood, but he's also very difficult. and if you get on his bad side, he's downright cruel. in general, he is just arrogant, and that's what pisses me off the most. i don't think he realizes how much people talk shit about him behind his back.

but anyway...i need to lie down for a while. tired this week. posted at 7:39 PM |  

uuuuugggghhhhh.

weird day at work. and i'm still being moody and over-emotional about everything.

we had a meeting all day with my boss, talking about the new project we're going to be working on and what's going to be happening. anyway, so during this meeting, he says that he's going to hire a new person with a good 10-20 years teaching experience, and that this person would be working with the bitch on the new project (calculus). and whatever is remaining from the old project for ohio and illinois, i will be doing.

later, after the meeting, he comes over to me and asks "aren't you happy now? come on, give me a smile. i gave you all these responsibilities now." and i replied "but if you're not giving me a raise, then..." and he interrupted me and said "oh, of course you'll be getting a raise. that's understood. if you're going to be taking over all of that, then of course you'll get a raise, and it will be a substantial one." so then i said "ok...it's ok then..." but i was still kinda upset. almost crying really. i don't know why.

my boss started saying something again, about how i should be excited about getting the opportunity to do this stuff, and then i replied "but, this isn't what i want to be doing" and he interrupted me and asked if i wanted to do the calculus project instead. i said "well, not really. i don't want to create content, i want to do the design work. the work that i'll be doing here is not what i want to be doing in the future, so i don't want to stay here long-term doing this type of work, because i'm not gaining much from it that will help me with what i do want to do." (something to that effect anyway).

so...then he asked me to explain in more detail what i do want to do, so i tried to, but then he said "well, our design is pretty much set, so you can't just keep doing design work here. you would have to work for a consulting company. but all of those companies are going bankrupt, so you won't get a job doing that now. 5 years ago, there were so many of them, but not anymore. i suggest you go get your phd and become a professor like me. you're still young, so you should go back to school."

and then he walked away, and i was just...i don't know...a mess. i wished i hadn't said some things, i wished i hadn't raised my voice and shown that i was upset. i wished i hadn't been on the verge of tears. i couldn't even understand why i was so emotional...*sigh*...maybe i'm just so frustrated and it builds up inside of me, then when it's that time of the month, i just can't hold it in any longer. i don't know.

i wish i had been more composed and thought things through before saying whatever i said to him today. because later, as i was thinking about it more, i realized that: 1) this new calculus project is going to require design work, because it is a totally separate project and we won't be using the same interface that we're using for the ohio/illinois stuff; 2) i should be the one working with the teacher we're going to hire because i'm the one who doesn't have teaching experience; 3) i'm not going to be able to handle the illinois/ohio people and run all those meetings - they are a tough bunch to work with, and part of the reason they hired the bitch to do their stuff is because she's so...well, bitchy. she can yell at them and be aggressive with them. i can't do that, i don't have it in me. so why does the bitch get to be left off the hook now to do this other project? she won't have to go to those meetings anymore, so she's probably thrilled about that. but now, i'm stuck with them. i don't want to go there. i hate the midwest!!! (ok, it'll only be a weekend every now and then, so it's not like i'll have to move there, but still...it sucks!)

so, in summary, i should be the one working on the calculus project, not the bitch. why is she such a fucking princess? why does everyone treat her like she's so special and great at what she does?? i don't get it...

i'm just miserable now, thinking about all the work i'll have to do...i neeeeeeeeeed a new job. posted at 7:42 PM |  

i feel better now. cheerful, almost. weird, huh?

i think it was sean. before he went to bed, he thanked me and told me that he was feeling a lot better about things after chatting with me. just those few sincere words made me feel good inside. i'm happy for him...not necessarily sure that he used sound reasoning in making his decision, but then again, i think he did what felt right to him. his heart wouldn't have been in it if he had taken the other job.

anyway...i think i take back what i wrote last night. posted at 12:42 AM |  

was chatting with sean for about an hour, trying to help him make his decision. actually, he had decided to take the DC campaign job yesterday, but then started having some major doubts. i think he's feeling a little more secure now. although he's still wavering a little.

he's supposed to start tomorrow, so...well, i guess i'll find out in the morning. he is quite capable of changing his mind at 7 AM. posted at 9:24 PM |  

you know what? i totally forgot about the stupid painter. he was painting all the doors today and we were supposed to leave them open, but i didn't. i even saw him when i left this morning, and i still didn't leave it open. i guess i just assumed that he or the manager had the key and they'd open it when they needed to. (wrong)

so now i feel like an idiot because my door is the only one in the building that isn't painted. and the building people are probably pissed because the painter will probably have to come out here again just to paint my door.

and yes, this is one of the "little things" that is stressing me out. i'm so upset with myself for not reading the note more carefully. posted at 7:17 PM |  

i don't know what's wrong with me. lately i feel like i just get so stressed out over everything. not necessarily work stuff, but other little things. if anyone tells me anything that sounds the least bit negative, i just want to burst into tears. i get upset and defensive and whiney. i feel like no one understands me or cares about how i feel. i know that i am over-reacting to things, but i just can't control it. i'm such a freakin mess. posted at 7:11 PM |  

i'm still up. i should explain that i'm on my period and highly emotional right now. so i don't really know if i meant anything i just wrote in that last post...i'm just frustrated. i miss the old sean. i've told him that, but i don't think he gets it...anyway, this isn't about him, it's about me. sometimes i think back to when i met him and i wonder if i was just naive, if all the things i thought i felt were real or just a result of...uh, you know...that feeling you get when you first feel attracted to someone, that high...

i also wonder if i've made it up to be this huge deal when in fact, maybe it wasn't much at all.

i don't know. i've just had a lot of mixed feelings about our friendship lately, or what's left of it. maybe i just need a break. but the more i think i need a break, the more i catch myself contacting him. i don't know why.

alright, i need to go to bed now. i've stayed up a lot later than i planned to, and there's a painter coming tomorrow morning. i hope he doesn't wake me up. posted at 1:50 AM |  

my stomach hasn't been feeling too good the past couple days. feel like i'm going to throw up whenever i eat. i think i'll make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. (i got a new one)

anyway...sean *might* have 2 jobs to decide from. normally, i'd be happy about this, but...i don't know...after chatting with him about it for a few minutes today, i feel like he'll probably take a low-paying, entry-level job in DC, instead of the better job in oregon (assuming he is offered this job). why would he do that? i think he's just really into "making contacts" and shit like that. it seems like for the past 2 years that's all i've heard from him - about how though doing such and such, he'll make contacts with important people. i seriously don't think any of these so-called contacts has ever done anything to help him. he's just become so obsessed with political big-whigs...i don't fucking care that he's all chummy with a kennedy, and i also don't care that this entry-level job is with a presidential campaign. i realize that this kind of opportunity is a big deal to him, and who knows? maybe it will turn out to be the better move. but, it could also be totally worthless and disappointing for him. i don't know.

he's just so damn cocky about it - he assumes he'll get promoted really quickly. he assumes he'll get to know some really influential people. hell, he probably assumes that he'll become best buds with the future president. i don't know what is going on in his head. i just worry that things won't pan out the way he thinks they will...

i don't mean to be negative, i just want him to think things through rationally. i don't want him to make a rash decision based on assuptions and big names, you know?

*sigh*...i'm just having a lot of issues with him lately. thinking about whether i even know who he is anymore, whether i even like who he is anymore...one of the main reasons i want him to get out of DC is because i think it'll be good for him to leave that world for a while...you know, maybe meet some people who have interestes other than politics...but, if this is his passion, and if he does in fact want to live and breath politics for the rest of his life, then i guess he's gotta do what he's gotta do. i just don't see us being close friends again - and this is the first time i have really, truly felt that way inside. for the first time, i'm having doubts that 5 years down the road, we will even be in touch anymore. it's a scary thought. i don't know how to explain how i feel really...but i remember about 2 weeks after i met him, i got this feeling that i would be friends with him for life. i just knew it. and even though we've had our ups and downs, i've still had that feeling inside. but now...now it's not this certainty anymore. posted at 12:48 AM |  

it seems like the weekend always gets over so quickly...*sigh*...

you know what i was doing last night? watching the spelling bee on tv. until 2:30 am. that shit is addicting. (alright, maybe i'm just very weird and have no life.)

there was this little 3rd grade indian kid that i was rooting for. he was so cute...i was practically yelling the correct spelling of "boudin" at the tv, trying to help him. poor thing. you know what he said to the guy who gave him the word? "is it just my luck, or do i always get stuck with french words?" it was too cute.

anyway. now i want to see the movie spellbound. gripping stuff, i tell ya.

i was in a little informal spelling bee at my elementary school when i was in 5th grade. i think i intentionally spelled a word wrong so i could get out of there. i was mad at myself though, because i knew how to spell the word (it was "unravel") but i think i just got really insecure or scared or something. started doubting myself. i had such low confidence...sometimes i think i'm bad now, but then i think back to what a mess i was in elementary school and junior high, and even high school. i feel like i've improved steadily over the years, but it's hard to shake feelings that have been embedded since childhood... posted at 12:52 AM |