saw "swimming pool" tonight. i didn't get it. has anyone seen it? can anyone explain it to me? i just feel like there's something i missed...when we got out, i asked my friend to explain it to me, and she said that she was going to ask me to explain it to her! we tried to talk about it and figure it out, but the conversation ended with something like "i don't know!! i don't understand!!!"

anyway...i have a headache now. posted at 11:08 PM |  

long day today...i'm tired.

it took me a while to fall asleep last night. i think it was because i took a really long nap in the evening. i didn't mean to, it's just that my bed was so warm and cozy...

anyway, so they ordered some weird keyboard and mouse combo thing for me today. i think it'll take a long time for me to get used to. i'm not quite sure how i'm going to do graphics stuff with that kind of mouse. anyway, i'll try it out and see. and if it totally sucks, they can always return it.

you know what i hate though? everyone is trying to blame me and make me feel like i'm doing things wrong - sitting with bad posture, not taking enough breaks, etc. they take no responsibility for the fact that their desks are too high for us short people or that their chairs are cheap (and poorly designed) or that they didn't take the time to set me up correctly to begin with. noooo, it's all my fault.

well, not all of our bodies are the same and not everyone is comfortable sitting in the same position. if i get tired with my feet flat on the floor, then i put them up on my chair. i feel so much more comfortable that way. plus, when i sit cross-legged, my forearms can rest on my knees and i feel much less strain...just let me sit how i feel comfortable!!!! i mean, i read in a few places that we shouldn't sit in the same position all day...well, if my legs have to be straight ahead of me and my feet have to be flat on the floor, then how the hell am i supposed to change my position?!?! it makes no sense. i really don't see what the big deal is if i put a leg under me or set cross-legged for 5-10 minutes every now and then...it's not like i'm doing it all day, it's not like i'm in pain when i sit like that...just let me be!

alright, enough complaining for one day. i wanted to talk to my boss about how rude the hr lady was with me last week, but when he came over to me to ask how i was doing, i was in the middle of working with the editor so i didn't want to get into it...anyway, he was the one who was telling me i wasn't sitting right. well, hello? i wasn't even using the computer at that time! i was talking to the editor while she was using the computer. is there some law against sitting with my leg on the chair?!?! just because my boss is like 6-5 and can't put his legs up doesn't mean he should judge me...he is so height-ist, it is ridiculous... posted at 8:00 PM |  

i think i watched a little too much Bravo tonight...2 episodes of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, as well as Boy Meets Boy. the first time i watched queer eye, i didn't get what all the fuss was about...i mean, it's alright. not bad. but i like the tlc shows better. this one is a little too...overdone or something. i don't know. too much product placement. and since i don't like it when straight guys dress like gay guys, i don't like the clothes that the gay guys pick out for the straight guys. i also don't like how they make them do their hair sometimes. but anyway. i do like what they do to the houses. so...after watching 2 more episodes tonight, it's grown on me a bit. i might watch it now and then, but it won't become a trading spaces-like addiction.

as for boy meets boy, well, my roommate and i had fun debating over who was gay and who was straight. they're all so funny-looking though (not the main bachelor guy, but the other guys who he has to choose from). my roommate used the word "disproportionate" to describe their bodies. like, some guys had really big arms but small chests, and some guys had broad shoulders but tiny heads. just weird looking. and i nicknamed this one guy doogie because he reminds me of doogie howser. anyway, we just made fun of everyone - especially the female friend.

so, that was my night in front of the tv...i want to go to bed early, have a long day tomorrow. posted at 11:42 PM |  

so the hr lady came up to me today and told me to take a half day and go look for a new ergonomic keyboard or mouse or something. so...i left at 3 and went to a couple stores, didn't really find much. i bought a couple of cheap things to try at home - a portable hand trackball, which sucks (not the idea of it, but i just can't seem to make it go left and right, only up and down), and a thing that i can use to place my mouse on top of my keyboard (so i don't have to reach too far for it). anyway, i only spent about an hour looking, and then i came home : )

i was more excited about getting a half-day than anything else. (i assume it doesn't count against my vacation days)

i might ask them to buy me an air mouse. that seemed pretty cool. it was $80 so i didn't want to buy it myself, but if the office wants to i will use it at work. i think it'll be better than the cheap little trackball i bought.

anyway, i think i am going to lie down for a while...

posted at 5:06 PM |  

when i left the office this evening, i once again saw that guy who used to work there, with his girlfriend, kissing at the exact same place as last time. so yes, i guess they are always like this. i walked behind them for 2 blocks again, and i swear they must have kissed at least 20 times during those 2 blocks. and they don't just stop walking to give each other little pecks - they kiss while walking. and sometimes, they were fairly long kisses. (i assume this is a little trickier than walking while chewing gum). they even kissed while walking through a dangerous intersection!!!

it was nuts watching them.

i make fun, but it would be kinda nice to be around someone that i just wanted to kiss all the time, so much so that i would be completely oblivious to the world around me... posted at 11:26 PM |  

so...i went to the doctor's this morning, and she told me she would refer me to an occupational therapist or physical therapist after i filled out a claim form for my employer. i even had her write down stuff to give the hr lady at my office so she wouldn't get on my case. got to work, gave it to her, and she made some calls to people and spoke in private with someone else, then came over to me and said that i should go make an appointment with the OT/PT and then have them send the bills to the office and they would pay for it. i told her that i didn't think my doctor would get me an appointment until after i had filled out a claim form, but she disagreed and made me call them. so, i called the doctor's office and explained the matter to them, and gave them the hr lady's phone number and told them to speak to her directly and clear things up, because i didn't know what the hell was going on. they called her, and then she told them that the company doesn't have worker's comp. (is that even legal?!?! and if it is, why couldn't she have been upfront with me about it instead of keeping it a secret?!?!)

anyway, i don't know how that went over and whether or not any decisions were made.

after some more private conversations (i just hate it when people talk about me in private - say whatever you have to say to my face, don't bs with me!), the hr lady came over to me with a spreadsheet like thing with columns for monday - friday, and rows for each hour in the day. she told me that she wanted me to write down what i'm doing every hour and when i take breaks and for how long and stuff like that. she said that i should try to see if there's something i can do that would make me feel better (read: so i wouldn't have to go see the OT and they wouldn't have to pay the bill). she told me i had to tell her how i am doing every day - report to her on any pain i'm feeling and stuff like that. anyway, it's going to be a pain in the ass. i feel like a child. i feel like they think i'm doing something that is causing me to have pain, and rather than pay a professional who would help me identify what that was or tell me what i should be doing, they would rather try to figure it out themselves. i told her that it was the mouse that was causing most of the trouble, and that the OT would help me figure out what i needed for my specific pain, but she still insisted that i fill out the stupid sheet every hour!!! it's so annoying. who the fuck does she think she is?!? she thinks she can figure out what i'm doing wrong - that she can simply tell me to go take a walk around the block every 2 hours and that'll make me better?!?!?

i don't know about this, i want a doctor. posted at 10:13 PM |  

i hate it when the weekend passes by so quickly and i get absolutely nothing done...

anyway, i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning so i gotta get up a little earlier than usual. i just want this whole mess to go away...i want to be ok again.

do you think i should quit my job? i'm hesitant because i don't know how long it will take me to find another one...doesn't look good to have big holes on a resume...long periods of time where i was doing absolutely nothing...i'm thinking about maybe just reducing my hours. the thing is, i don't work 40 hours a week now (it's usually about 35), but if i reduced it to 30, i'd have to actually work 30, right? get paid less, but work almost the same number of hours? it doesn't make sense. but maybe if i went down to 20 that would be good. i don't know...i'm just confused right now. don't know what to do in general. posted at 11:10 PM |  

cable modem and tv are back up and running...i didn't even have to wait 4 hours for the guy to show up. posted at 12:05 PM |  

yay, it's not showing up anymore...i wish i had done that a long time ago, but whatever...i feel a bit less paranoid now. posted at 1:13 AM |  

ok, i feel a little better now. i figured out how to remove a cached page from google. hope it works...i don't know why it took me this long to realize that there was a way to do it...i think i was just so pissed at the time that i didn't stop to think. i tend to do that. oh well. i think it'll be ok now. posted at 12:00 AM |  

so, uh, does anyone know how long cached pages stay in google??? the link i'm concerned about is moving up and up, soon it will be on the first page of search results...sucks, man... posted at 11:30 PM |  

moved my blog back to the previous url. i was getting a bit paranoid. it still won't be too difficult to find over here...but at least it's not as easy as it was before.

i think what i really need to do is start fresh. i'm too lazy right now though. posted at 10:50 PM |  

i had a terrible day at work today...i can't handle any negativity at all these days, just want to burst into tears.

when i walked in this morning, the hr lady was on the phone with my doctor's office. i guess they called because they needed some paperwork for worker's comp or whatever. i'm not really sure.

anyway, i overheard the hr lady being kind of rude to them - she sounded pissed off actually. i didn't know what was going on because i had just walked in. anyway, when she was done i went over to her cubicle to find out what all that was about, and she asked me what was going on with my hand and why i didn't go report back to the doctor. i told her that my doctor told me that i should call her if i didn't improve in a month. (i remember telling her all this a month ago too, the day i had that appointment.) anyway, after my desk was lowered, i definitely felt more comfortable and i don't get any really sharp pains in my hand anymore. i'm still not completely ok and back to normal (i do get some pain and discomfort now and then), but overall i felt like i had improved and so i didn't go back to the doctor. i wasn't aware that i had to do anything! but the hr lady started yelling at me like i had done something wrong, and that the paperwork is all fucked up...i don't know what the hell she was talking about. at one point she said i shouldn't be at work because i'm injured, and i'm like what?!?!? when did i ever say that i couldn't come to work? when did my doctor say that? that was never the case...

paperwork - that is another issue. shortly after my last appointment, my doctor's office called because they had forgotten to have me fill out some forms. at that time they asked me i had filled out the forms that my employer gave me. i told them that i didn't get any forms from my employer. they asked if i reported the problem to them, and i said yes. so they said that i should ask them for a form. so, i went over to the hr lady and told her what my doctor's office said, and she said "i don't have any forms. all the forms you need should be in the packet you got when you started working here." well, i looked through whatever i had, and i didn't see any relevant forms. she told me to go on some website, and i didn't see any forms there either. so i didn't know what the hell to do. she is the hr person - she is supposed to know what forms she needs from me, that's not my job.

anyway, so i asked her about that today - wondering if that was what the problem was with my doctor's office. but she still didn't know what form to give me. all she did was write some stupid letter to my doctor saying that they modified my desk so that i would be more comfortable. then she told me that i had to go make a doctor's appointment and get my hand evaluated. did i mention that she was being a complete bitch the whole time? because she was. i was almost in tears.

i go sit down, and a couple hours later, she throws some stuff on my desk. not forms, just pamphlets. i went to the website listed in that information, and looked for forms. again, had no clue which one i was supposed to fill out. the one that she seemed to think i needed was for disability that prevents me from doing my work. i explained to her that i am not eligible to receive that because i don't have a disability that is preventing me from doing work and i never did. and she said "well that's what your doctor's office said!"

she basically started yelling at me again, for no reason. on the verge of tears again, i said look, i just want to know what i am supposed to do and what forms you need me to fill out. and she yelled at me and said "you need to make a doctor's appointment!!!" i told her that i had just made one and i was going on monday, and she just said ok and got rid of me.

it is so unbelievably frustrating, i can't even describe it. i don't know what i ever did to her...why she is so mean to me...the pamphlet she gave me specifically says that my employer is supposed to give me a form within one day of me reporting my injury. then my employer is supposed to mail the form someplace. so, how the hell is this my fault? can anyone explain that to me? posted at 12:42 AM |  

my step-mom just stopped by for a bit to help my roommate with something...she mentioned to me that she saw my website. she said someone told my dad about it and then the two of them were looking all over it. i *hope* she meant my old geocities site and not this blog. and i hope that the person who told my dad about my website hasn't found my blog, whoever it was...

this is nuts. i don't like people looking through my stuff without me knowing about it!! granted, i am the one publishing it on the internet, but i didn't know people would find it so easily!!! posted at 7:48 PM |  

i'm a retard.

just spilled a glass of water all over my keyboard. i turned it upside down right away and tried to soak up whatever i could. there's probably still a little in it though, which means i should probably not be using it. am i totally screwed now, or is plain water ok? does anyone know???

some of it got on the computer too, but just some drops on the cover. i *think* it should be ok. but i don't know. with my luck, it'll probably die in a week. posted at 9:38 PM |  

on a more serious note...one of my distant relatives committed suicide a few days ago (and killed her child as well). i didn't know her, but it was pretty sad to hear about it. anyway, she's a fairly famous poet, so the news made the papers and stuff. what really got to me though, was seeing it in this newsletter i get from SF Gate (the morning fix). this columnist has sort of a biting sense of humor, and i'm sure some people would be offended by some things that he writes, but i usually find him amusing. except, seeing this relative's name in there today - and he didn't write anything totally mean or distasteful - but it did bother me.

he regularly puts in little snips of stories involving people who do terrible things, like kill their kids or whatever. but it's so different when you are actually connected to one of these people in some way. posted at 7:59 PM |  

i hate it when plans get cancelled at the last minute...was planning on going to dinner and a movie with a friend that i hadn't seen in a pretty long time, but she had to go back to work : (

damn people who have important jobs!!

actually, it must suck having to work until 10 or 11 some nights, which is what she has to do quite regularly. makes me want to stop complaining about my work hours. actually, i don't usually complain about the hours, i quite like being able to come and go as i please. (unless i have editing to do)

anyway...as for that thing...it's still on my mind. comes and goes sometimes...mostly starts bothering me at night when i'm trying to sleep. i think i was up well past 4 am last night. sometimes, when i think about it one way, i get really upset. but then, when i think about it another way, i'm like 'ah, whatever'. truth is, i'm really having a hard time sorting out my feelings on the matter. posted at 7:36 PM |  

i didn't fall asleep until past 5 am last night. i don't know how to explain what i was thinking or feeling. and i don't know if i am any better now...i need a distraction. posted at 1:26 PM |  

so...i don't think i'll be able to sleep for a while. the more i think about this, and the more i find out, the more upset i am getting. maybe i will explain in more detail later. i need some time to absorb things. right now, i'm just having all these mixed emotions. i feel a little sick inside to be honest. but i don't want to be so affected by this. it troubles me that i am so weak and so torn. sometimes i wish i were able to keep my emotions out of the way, you know? this is one of those times. posted at 3:01 AM |  

i want to blog about something, but i just don't know how to explain it...actually, i'm in this weird state of mind right now where i'm not even sure how i feel about this thing. i don't know why i'm bothering to babble about this here. i'm just really weirded out by it. ignore me.

(i started to explain in more detail a couple times, but decided that this is probably not the place for it.)

it's like, in a way, i'm shocked about this thing, but in another way, i feel like i shouldn't be surprised. i know this is hard to understand without knowing what the hell i am talking about, but that's not important. it's only necessary for me to know what i'm talking about. god, part of me wants to write about it here just to get it out of my system, but another part of me feels that i really shouldn't. i think i'm going to drive myself insane.

maybe all of this is just due to a combination of sleep-deprivation and a lot of caffeine. (i started to fall asleep at 7 this evening, so i thought i could use some)

uuggghh!!!! i keep thinking about it, and i want to laugh and cringe at the same time...i don't know whether i should just find it amusing and blow it off, or if i should be troubled by it in some way...i'm nuts, i know. ok, i should really shut up about this now. posted at 1:30 AM |  

when i left work today, i saw this guy who used to work at my company...he was with his girlfriend about half-way down the block from the office. i was going to yell out hi, but they were holding hands and kissing a little so i didn't want to interrupt. anyway, they seemed really happy and cute...they started walking in the same direction that i was walking in, but much faster. kept pecking each other as they were walking down the street. at this point, i was like geez, are they always like this? anyway, they cross the street and then crossed to another corner (i was at the opposite corner at this point, waiting for the light to change), and they're like just standing there making out! (get a room already!) it was so odd. i didn't mean to be spying on them or anything, it's just that i had to walk past them, and they looked so funny! i should explain, this guy is a total computer nerd. i mean that in the nicest way - he and his girlfriend are both really, really sweet. and i was really sad when he left our company because i liked talking to him. but, yeah, total computer nerd. and he seemed to kiss like one too. not that i have ever kissed anyone that nerdy, but if i were to imagine how a nerdy guy would kiss, that would be it. i can't even explain it. it just looked really bad. anyway, they were just totally oblivious to everything around them. i wonder if something's up. i mean, they seemed unusually lovey-dovey...

oh, and standing at that corner with me was this girl who lives in my building, with her boyfriend, also being very affectionate with each other. (not as much as the other two, but still...for a minute there i was wondering if there was something in the air on that street...) posted at 12:10 AM |  

my cable modem's not working : (

i gave in and decided to use (gasp!) dial-up. so sad, isn't it? oh well. it's actually not that much slower than my cable modem for normal things anyway. and blogging doesn't require high-speed access. but i'm just annoyed because i had to install yucky aol on my computer. plus, i don't even have cable tv to watch. i don't know what the hell is going on. (i suppose i could do other things than don't involve the internet or the television, but i'm exhausted and i've had a rough week, so...i don't know, i'm just not in the mood for those other things.)

i didn't fall asleep until like 3:30 am last night. too much crap on my mind. i think my roommate is planning on moving out in a month or two so i gotta start looking for someone else. it's such a pain the ass. posted at 10:50 PM |  

felt like blogging before going to bed, but i don't really have much to say...i was at work until 7:30. tired now. it's been a long week.

my roommate was really upset about something and cried for a while. when she calmed down i talked to her a bit to see if she was alright, but i couldn't really offer her much advice, having never been in her position. then she wanted a distraction, so she started going through my box of pictures. i don't think she was actually looking at them though, just flipping through them really, really fast. it was kind of strange to watch her do that, but i understood...her mind was on other matters. anyway, i think she's just very lost and confused right now... posted at 1:46 AM |  

i was all excited about barry zito being on letterman tonight, have a little crush him. but damn, the outfit he's wearing looks terrible. and i'm sad he didn't get to play guitar : ( posted at 12:21 AM |  

ok, i just went to the lamest salsa class ever. left early because it was so, so bad. this one guy i danced with was a complete asshole - i was secretly really happy when i accidentally used the wrong foot for something and ended up kicking him. of course, he fucking over-exaggerated how much pain he was in. for a minute there, it looked like he was going to scream out "you stupid bitch!!!". whatever. he pissed me off so much. but then i danced with this other guy who was much nicer. i was fine with him, no kicking or stepping on feet. but overall, it sucked. i'm disappointed. posted at 10:21 PM |  

i've been working late the past couple of days. not that i've had a lot of work to do really....it's just that our editor can only come in after 5 (or sometimes 6) because she has another day-job. and editing takes a really long time. no one seems to understand that. they just dumped all this stuff on me at once. do they not realize they should have told me to start it a couple weeks ago? how do they expect me to get 8-9 lessons done in one week? knowing that the editor can only come in for like 5 hours a week, and that the editing takes about 1 hour per lesson. we are so far behind schedule...and i feel like i'm held responsible. i was told that if the editor can't come in, i'd have to do it all myself. hello? last time i checked, i don't have a degree in english. and i've never written a math book. it's hard work. especially because the stuff we are editing was written by the bitch, who is a downright terrible writer. uuuuggh. it just pisses me off that they are so disorganized...there are times that i sit and stare into space all day. then there are times i work until 7:30 and feel all stressed because of deadlines that i wasn't informed of about until the last minute!!

anyway, i'm going dancing tomorrow night to unwind. then i gotta work late again on thursday... posted at 12:36 AM |  

blah. gotta go to work tomorrow : ( posted at 12:36 AM |  

i find it strange when people seem to have their lives planned out - well, the next few years of their lives anyway. who they are going to marry, where they are going to live, when they are going to have kids, etc.

sometimes, i think it's ridiculous to have all that planned out. other times, i'm kind of envious. because i have no plans.

but maybe it's good to not have plans. because then i won't be disappointed if they don't pan out. i've seen some people who thought they knew what their lives would be like, thought they were all set...and then, everything changes. overnight in some cases. and i'm thinking, see - that's what you get for making all those plans...

sometimes i have such a bad attitude towards these people who have all the little details planned out...how do they know? how does anyone know? i don't get it. i don't think i've ever been that way. when i did imagine up some plans, they were purely fantasy-plans. wouldn't-it-be-nice-if plans. not real plans. nothing that was truly set in stone in my mind. just me daydreaming.

i believe in letting things happen. doing things when they feel right, not because they're on some list. but on the other hand, it can be scary sometimes. i think i would feel so much more secure if i did have some plans. wouldn't worry so much. wouldn't have to deal with all this uncertainty...

i can't even decide if i want to apply to schools this fall. can't seem to get myself to think so far ahead.

the last time i did sort-of have plans was towards the end of college. and it felt good at the time. i had no clue which grad schools i was going to apply to or what exactly i was going to do there, so they weren't these super-detailed and well thought out plans. but i just had this feeling - knowing what i wanted to do. after so many years of not knowing.

and now...i guess i want that feeling again. no specific concrete goals, but just a sense of knowing something about what direction i was headed in. some sense of security in knowing that i'm on the right course, or in figuring out what i should do to get on it.

basically, i'm feeling clueless right now. really unsure about my life. afraid of how things might turn out.

so maybe i'm a little bitter when i hear about other people and their big plans. or maybe i'm just getting older and starting to realize that i will need to make plans at some point. i don't know. i don't want to think about it really. enough for one night.
posted at 1:28 AM |  

i have no idea why i'm still up. and why i'm not tired.

i should go to bed soon though, or i'm going to have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

i was going to say something else, but i forgot what it was. oh well. posted at 1:52 AM |  

i hate it when i feel like eating something, but i can't figure out what. i've been like that all day today. right now i want something sweet, i think. or minty. minty and sweet. i think i want ice cream. but i don't have any. aaaarrrrrghhh.

anyway. i'm glad amazing race went to kerala...i was just thinking that they should last week. it's so pretty there. wish they had done something involving the backwaters, other than just have the pit stop there. but anyway. i think i'm rooting for the clowns. posted at 10:17 PM |  

oh, yeah, and that paper clip...it was preventing me from typing q's. which was a problem because i use the word 'equal' a lot. it kept coming out eual, and i couldn't figure out why. then, i remembered the paperclip. i shook the keyboard a bit and it seems to be out of the way now, but it's probably stuck under some other key. hopefully not one that i use a lot. posted at 1:50 PM |  

i'm so glad i'm not in ohio right now. instead of being stuck with you-know-who for 2-3 days, i'm here in the office relaxing...

anyway, my relatives all left this morning. i think they were ready to go back. the kids especially. i think they were getting bored here. and probably tired of being on 'good behavior' compared to how they normally are.

i can't figure out what i want to eat for lunch... posted at 1:48 PM |  

at work today, i somehow dropped a paper clip into my keyboard. it made its way completely under the keys. i'm not quite sure how to get it out. i guess i'll just leave it there???

i don't know why i decided to share that. i'm tired. posted at 12:07 AM |  

i have no idea why i get so emotional during my periods now. i feel my eyes water for every little thing. i had to hold back my tears a few times today...i just felt so ridiculous. i've never been like this before. i don't understand what has been going on in my body these past few months...it's driving me nuts. posted at 9:39 PM |  

i don't want to go to work tomorrow...feel super-tired. just want to sleep all day. posted at 10:50 PM |  

you know what bugs me? people giving unsolicited beauty advice.

it hurts my feelings. posted at 12:55 AM |  

i don't have anything in particular to say, i'm just in a weird mood. been in a weird mood all day. emotional, restless, bored, tired, upset, sad, lonely, and probably more. i don't know. just in this weird state. i don't really know what to do with myself, don't know where to start.

i think this is partially due to pms. seems to be quite strong these past few months. i don't know. i need more chocolate. posted at 12:47 AM |  

so, while i was bored this afternoon, instead of cleaning the apartment, i decided to try to get my scanner to work. it's old and not really all that compatible with windows xp, but i managed to get some ok-looking scans of some pics i took in india last year. (the colors are a bit off in some of them, but it's better than nothing. i have to try re-scanning the others that were totally, totally off...)

anyway, here they are:

Mysore
Kerala
Temples in Somnathpur and Madurai

enjoy! posted at 10:40 PM |  

happy 4th!

the friday five, because i'm bored:

1. What were your favorite childhood stories?
indian ones...the ramayana, stories about krishna, etc...mostly told to me by one of my aunts, but i also had these indian comic books that were simplified versions of hindu mythology. i think i still have them somewhere. they're cool.

2. What books from your childhood would you like to share with [your] children?
probably those indian comics mentioned above. other common children's classics, i'm sure they will come across at school or in the library. the indian stuff is special.

3. Have you re-read any of those childhood stories and been surprised by anything?
hmmm...well, i read the real version of the ramayana when i was in college, but i guess i never read that version when i was a kid, so it's not like i was re-reading the same text and getting new things out of it. but i did get a more thorough and detailed version of the story than i had known before. and since it was a direct translation of the original text, i got to know how it was really written...the language and imagery, etc.

4. How old were you when you first learned to read?
i don't remember...5 i guess? the normal age.

5. Do you remember the first 'grown-up' book you read? How old were you?
no, i don't remember. might have been "a wrinkle in time" when i was 9 or so. maybe that's not really a grown-up book, but it felt like it at the time. probably because it was so weird and i didn't really understand it. posted at 6:05 PM |  

shit...that stupid other blog with all my entries is still showing up when i search for my name in google. this sucks. i don't know what to do about it. for now, i've just deleted the particular page that the link was going to, but that isn't going to help much because the url will still show up and anyone could figure out where my blog is. i'm so paranoid now. why the hell did this happen in the first place?!?! ugh?!?! so stupid. i should have changed my name on blogger a long time ago. maybe i should move to a new url again? will that help at all? uuuggghhhhh. i cannot believe this happened, i really can't. i'm so pissed at blogger. posted at 12:32 AM |  

i'm so looking forward to the day off tomorrow...it'll be nice.

anyway...i was looking into getting cal football tickets...however, i can't think of anyone who would get season tickets with me. the friend i went with last year is going to grad school back east. another friend who would have gone with me has moved to southern cal. so...i don't know, should i cough up the $280 for 2 seats, and then try to get a different person to go with me each week? it doesn't seem like it would be a very successful plan. but i'm not sure what else to do. i'm just worried that i'll end up going to only 2 or 3 games. probably not worth it for that much money...i mean, i could just get general admission tickets for individual games. i don't know how hard it will be to sneak into a better section from there though. i'm so confused!!! argh. posted at 11:08 PM |  

so anyway...my mom took all the relatives to vegas. things seem to be going ok. i hung out with them over the weekend...the kids crack me up sometimes. the older one is still a bit of a brat (it's funny how she had such a strong, annoying personality when she was like 2, and she still has the same personality now when she's 11). the younger one is still a sweetheart, but she's also very sensitive and capable of bursting into tears at any moment. but, they make me laugh. "you're a poopy butt" "oh yeah, well you're a poopy butt head!" "you're an alien poopy butt head!" things like that.

they both continue to gain weight. practically everyone in the family comments on how fat they are, and yet they give them food to eat at least once every hour, if not more. now, i don't think they should be telling them that they are fat and need to lose weight, etc. i think that could be harmful to them since they are still kids. but, i do think that the adults who take care of them have a responsibility to make sure that they are eating right, and not constantly be handing food to them or asking them what they want to eat, insisting that they eat something, even though they aren't hungry. putting the idea in their heads that they are hungry, even when they aren't. seriously, they eat A LOT. much more than i normally do. i don't think it is healthy.

other than that...they are both such nerds. bookworms. and just...nerdy. what bugs me is that they only listen to indian music, and at least 90% of the movies they watch are indian ones...at some point, i wonder if they'll feel like they don't know what the hell other kids in their classes are talking about. oh, and then they tell me that i don't like my culture because i don't watch indian movies and i don't listen to indian music. that pisses me off. the shit that they are into is total crap - indian pop culture is not the same as indian culture in general. i'm totally into indian art and architecture and history and mythology and even classical sitar music sometimes...but no, bollywood crap is not for me. i used to like it when i was a kid, so i see where they are coming from, but at the same time, i equally liked american pop music and american movies...they are, for the most part, clueless about american pop culture. music, tv shows, movies, etc. harry potter is the only non-indian thing that they are into. which is fine, i guess. it's just that i worry about them not "fitting in" at school, you know? oh well...i suppose that their tastes may change over the next few years...when they'll enter that stage of life where peers have more influence than parents...not a big deal, i just don't like them thinking of me in a negative way because their parents have put it into their heads that i don't like my culture. that really hurts me inside, to hear the kids say that to me.

alright, i'm going to lunch soon. blogged enough. posted at 1:24 PM |  

i have nothing to do, and i'm all alone in the office. until a few people get back from lunch, that is. i fucking hate it here. i hate the fact that i have become so alienated from everyone here. i feel like i have the cooties or something. no one wants to talk to me...

ok, my boss did invite me to a baseball game today, but i declined. was not in the mood to sit there with him for 3 hours.

he actually sent out an email today complaining about people who show up well after 10 and then leave before 6. i usually wait until 6:05 to leave, so he can't be referring to me! ;)

fuck it, i hope he does mean me. because maybe he'll fire me if i keep doing it.

i'm so bored...what to do??... posted at 12:37 PM |  

i intended on going to bed early, but i am still up. was finishing that cover letter. but, i'm not going to send it now, too tired to look over my resume. tomorrow, definitely. although technically, since friday is a holiday, they wouldn't get it until monday, so...??? ah, fuck it, i am too tired to deal right now. there's no job for me now anyway, so there will still not be a job for me on monday. (that probably makes no sense, but i know what i mean). posted at 1:04 AM |  

for a second there, i was tempted to apply for the job at blogger. then i was like customer service? - what am i thinking?!?! i hate most customer service people i've had to deal with. don't want to become one of them. plus, i don't understand much about technical issues, so i probably wouldn't be much help.

ffffuuuuuuuuccccck.

i'm sorry. i don't know what else to say. i've been feeling like shit this week. my roommate wants to go clubbing and i just don't have the energy right now. i just want to lie in bed. my back hurts. my arm hurts. my body does not want to move, let alone dance. i don't think she really understands the extent of my problems. she just thinks i'm depressed and that's why i want to stay in bed. granted, i am pretty unhappy. but this fatigue, it's a different sort of feeling. it's not depression making me tired, it's the anemia making me both tired and depressed. that is how i feel anyway. how do i know the difference? because it's my body, that's how. posted at 11:59 PM |  

i'm having so much trouble trying to write a stupid cover letter for a job...*sigh*...why is it so much work?...i think i am going to put it off until tomorrow. go over my letter and resume again. the letter sounds terrible right now, and i haven't even looked at my resume recently. applying for jobs is so time-consuming for me. i guess i just freak out over little things and want everything to be perfect. this particular company asks for URLs of work samples. the only stuff i have online is from school projects, and frankly, they aren't that great. not something i would consider professional quality work. most of them were done in one night (the night before they were due). all night. ah, those were the days. now i get sleepy at midnight. alright, i'm babbling now. my point is, i think they would be crazy to hire me without seeing any of my work, but i don't really have any work that i want to show them. most of the good stuff i did is written up in 10-page papers. or, in some cases, we made physical models using construction paper and markers. can't put that on a website, now can i?

did i mention this job pays significantly less than what i'm making now? in fact, it pays less than i was making when i was an intern. and it may only last until february. i'd totally take the job though. i'm desperate. anything to get away from the bitch. of course, i gotta apply before i can start talking about taking it. and actually, the job ad is for a developer, and technically, i don't think i've ever developed anything in my life. by developer, do they mean programmer? i always get confused by techie job titles.

i'm super-tired now, can you tell? i'm off to bed. posted at 12:04 AM |  

today's been such a depressing day...i don't know what's wrong, just feel so...blah...came home determined to send out my resume to a couple places tonight, but i didn't. and i'm too tired to think now. just took a long, hot shower...washed my hair...and now i'm ready to plop down on my bed.

i found out that yet another friend of mine is getting married...i'm happy for her, of course, it's just that hearing that kind of news always gets to me in some way. soon, i will have no single friends left, and it'll just be me : (

that's how it feels anyway.

i'm not saying that i have any desire to get married now...i'm nowhere near ready for that...but sometimes i just wish there were a guy in the picture at least. it would help take the sting out of all my friends settling down...

on top of that, i also chatted with sean for a little while today. he's even more bummed out than i am. his lsat scores were much lower than he expected, and he hates his job. i knew he should have taken the other one. i think he knows it too. must be eating him up inside...

alright, i better go to bed soon. i fell asleep at my desk at work today. would much rather get all of my sleep in bed. posted at 12:44 AM |