my stomach seems a bit unhappy again. it's been so sensitive lately! i wish it could tell me what is acceptable for me to eat... posted at 3:58 PM |  

brrrr. i'm still cold. takes a long time to warm up an apartment that was about 58 degrees. maybe a little less.

anyway...not much to blog about. i've just been relaxing at home. i needed a break like this. the little trips out of town didn't really do it for me, too hectic. but the past few days have been good. sometimes i just sit and stare at our pretty tree...i did a good job this year, if i do say so myself.

there are some things that i should do...people that i should see...but i haven't been in the mood. i just want to be quiet right now...i'm quiet in general i suppose, but this is different. i just feel like having this break from myself. some time to refresh myself and to breathe and to not think about anything...i hope that when i go back to work next week, i'll feel a little more energetic (and less crazed) than i have been lately. posted at 7:11 PM |  

ok, my roommate is really weird. i've been at my mom's place, just came back to berkeley. and the apartment is fucking freezing! it's pouring outside, really cold...and she hasn't felt the need to turn on the heater??? i told her where it was and how to do it, i told her that she could adjust it whenever she needed to, and yet, she doesn't do it. she did this one weekend back in like, october or something. but since then she hasn't touched it. i don't care, it's her decision, but i mean, damn. it's hard to explain. i just think she's weird. posted at 3:50 PM |  

almost forgot cal's kicker - really came through at the end when the pressure was on. so big thanks to t-freddy!

oh, and i also want to thank the va tech guy that returned cal's last punt for a td. it was a given that they were going to score anyway, so i'm glad he did it as quickly as he did - gave us enough time on the clock to get back down the field and kick the field goal. i was cursing at the time, but in retrospect, it was probably a very good thing! posted at 1:33 AM |  

GO BEARS!!!!!!!!!

i should be drunk and in phoenix right now!

i was left speechless by the game tonight...it was a shoot-out, as expected. but cal came out on top at the end, and that's all that matters!!

cal's defense was downright terrible at times, but i'm not too bothered by that. va tech has some really fast and talented players...they got a little cutesy with some of the play-calling...hard team for us to defend. i mean, it would have been great if we could have, you know, made a tackle now and then, but the offense really came through and carried the team. gotta be proud of them. o line was awesome, lyman stepping in for mc arthur - couldn't have asked for more, and vinny! little vinny! i love him, all 150 pounds of him. manderino rocked. rodgers was the man, that goes without saying. and coach tedford is...well, god.

so...big thanks to the entire team, the coaching staff, adam duritz (our good luck charm on the sidelines), and um, the va tech kicker for missing all those field goals! i got what i wanted for christmas - a cal win!

looking forward to next year, and many more bowl games to come! roll on you bears! posted at 12:48 AM |  

just found out that cal's best receiver broke his arm in practice : (

i'm trying to convince myself that we'll be fine in the bowl game without him, but seriously...he's such a good player (ranked #2 in the country), and such a major part of our offense - had close to 250 yards in his last game. not having him out there just makes things a lot easier for the other team to defend us.

hoping all of our other receivers will step up on friday...
posted at 12:43 AM |  

i had some weird dreams last night....in 2 of them, i wasn't even in the dream. well, i was, but i wasn't myself, i was a different character. physically, i looked nothing like myself, but i was kind of inside these other people and was guiding them in some way. one of the dreams in particular seemed like it was a movie or a tv drama. i felt like it was a tv thing when i woke up, but now that i think about it, it contained some scenes that were not appropriate for tv, so it must have been a movie. not that it matters - it was all a dream. it was just very strange. took place in a hotel. there was some lady who was supposed to be dead but wasn't, my character disguised herself as this lady to try to get proof or something. and then there were these 2 other women...one of them being the 'bad guy' and the other was um, in bed. (this is when the not appropriate for tv seen took place.) then the bad guy (woman) realized that my character wasn't really the person she said she was (because she was wearing a wig to look like her), and so my character had to get the hell out of there before she was killed. she ended up hiding in a men's restroom. she was chased all the way there, but for whatever reason, she was strong enough to hold the door shut for a long time and the other lady who was after her just gave up i guess. i woke up around then.

weird dream. posted at 11:58 AM |  

sorry for the sudden move - a search engine had found me again. hopefully it won't happen anymore. actually, i really don't quite understand how it happened this time. and as you know, i am really paranoid about this as it is. so having my blog show up as the #1 result when you type in my name...not cool at all.

anyway, i'll be deleting the old site soon, so please update your links...

oh, happy holidays by the way! posted at 1:12 AM |  

that last post was about the bitch, if you couldn't tell. she tends to get really childish on days like this when she thinks that she doesn't have to do any work because it's the day before vacation...she's childish in general actually, but it's 10 times worse when the boss doesn't come in.

you know how there are some kids that, when they are doing something irritating, the best way to handle it is to ignore them? because that's the only thing that makes them stop? well, she's not one of those. she just keeps on doing the annoying thing (in today's case, popping bubble wrap) just to be annoying, whether she's getting extra attention for it or not.

i just want to slap her sometimes! i do!!

if she knows that she's annoying people, she'll keep doing it. and if no one reacts, she'll keep doing it anyway, just to get someone to react.

then on top of that, she kept getting all these personal phone calls, and she didn't go outside to take them, so i had to hear her laughing and giggling all day long...and she has the most irritating laugh. i can't wait until i get another job just so i don't have to fucking hear her laugh ever again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i turned up the volume and pressed my headphones against my ears, trying to drown out her voice and the popping of the never ending piece of bubble wrap.

now, i enjoy popping bubble wrap now and then (who doesn't?), but i do it in the privacy of my own home, when i know that i'm not bothering anyone else. i would never do it in the office. and i would never make a big drama out of it like she does. (she actually put it down on the floor and started jumping on it at one point)

*breathe*

i'm so happy for this vacation. don't have to hear her or see her until jan. 5... posted at 6:48 PM |  

aaaarrrrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

she's a freakin 5 year old. i work with a freakin 5 year old!! (in a 30-something year old's body)

how did i end up here? posted at 4:54 PM |  

ever have a craving for something, but can't figure out exactly what it is?

driving me nuts. posted at 12:02 AM |  

feeling kinda down tonight and i don't really know why...

i want something to do. but i don't feel like talking to anyone. those didn't really go together - ignore me if i'm being incoherent, i'm in one of those moods.

you know what i hate? feeling pressure to spend holidays with both sides of my family. how the hell am i supposed to choose one over the other? i want to go to my mom's on wednesday and just stay there through the weekend, but my aunt on my dad's side wants me to come to her house for christmas because the whole family's going to be there. and i know i can just spend christmas day at my mom's and go to my aunt's house at night, but that's not the point. the point is, the reason i would do that has nothing to do with me wanting to go there. (not that i don't like them or anything, i'm sure it'll be fun) i just feel like i'm unable to think for myself and do whatever i want to do - i always feel like there's pressure on me from both sides...don't want to upset my mom by choosing them over her, but if everyone's going to be there except me, then i feel bad about that too. it's always about other people and making them happy...i feel like no one gives me a break or even tries to understand how freaking hard things are for me. if you want to invite me over for christmas, just say, hey everyone's gonna be here and it would be nice if you could try to drop by. don't say "you have to come!" and don't pressure me by asking why i can't come if i hesitate. they ALWAYS do this to me. it just stresses me out. posted at 10:37 PM |  

i forgot my leftover thai food in the office AGAIN. which sucks because now i have to actually cook something for dinner.

sometimes i think people leave a comment in a blog just to get people to go visit their blog, which is ok i guess...but i don't like it. i deleted one comment just now because 1) this person's blog wasn't in english, and 2) i thought the blog contained images that might offend some people (this second reason being the main reason i removed the comment). anyway, if this person actually likes my blog, then he can continue to come here and read and comment. i just suspected that it was just someone trying to get hits...i could be wrong, and i apologize if i am, but i just didn't want the link to the site to be here.

i probably spent way more time explaining that than necessary, but whatever... posted at 7:03 PM |  

incredibly bored at work. not getting anything done.

this suuuucks.

i went to a new dentist this morning. he was quite possibly one of the worst dentists i have ever been to. i have been to one that i'd say is worse - but i was a kid at the time, so i don't remember him well enough to compare the two. posted at 5:58 PM |  

didn't go to the party, i told my cousin that i wasn't feeling well. it was actually just a bad allergy attack that was bothering me all morning. that, and the lack of sleep. i wanted to rest tonight. was not in the mood to go out in the rain. watched the cal-st.joe's game on tv instead. i don't know, i'm not really feeling our basketball team yet this season. too many freshman running around. they're good though, i'm not complaining about them. i just don't feel like the team as a whole is playing well together. they're not as fun to watch as last year's team was. not yet anyway. maybe by the end of the season...tonight's game was good though, and we nearly pulled it out there at the end - would have been fantastic if we had. but, i didn't really feel like we were going to, so that kinda takes the fun out of it. i guess what i'm saying is, there's a lack of confidence this season. and that often translates into a lack of intensity. which in turn makes them not as exciting to watch, even when the game is close.

but anyway...powe is going to be really good, and i hope he sticks around. posted at 11:44 PM |  

i'm online again. yay!

upstairs guy left at about 6:30 this morning, i'm hoping for the airport. posted at 2:52 PM |  

i was too tired to do anything. just took a long hot shower. want to go to sleep now, but i'm avoiding it. i can still hear his tv, and i know that if i go to bed, the noises will just annoy me too much, and i'll get all pissed off and my blood pressure will go up and i'll bang on the ceiling like a crazy woman...the lack of sleep is just making me go batty. i don't like it.

some of my relatives are having a party tomorrow night and they want me to come, and i really don't feel like going. have to make up an excuse though. they think that i just don't want to drive there, and although it's true that i hate driving (especially if it's a fairly long distance, as this is), that's not why i'm not going. i hate that they assume that that's the reason. so what is the reason? i don't know...partly because i told my mom i'd go home after the cable guy came tomorrow, and i think she'd feel upset if i went to this party on my dad's side of the family. other than that...just feeling tired.

my dad's family is also meeting up for ping pong on sunday morning, and i don't want to go to that either. 1) because i don't want to play ping pong with them, and 2) because i don't want to get up that early. but i know i'll get crap for not going to both of these things. it's so annoying when my family talks about me and makes assumptions about things. they don't know, they don't understand...

i really need to go to bed now, my head feels fuzzy. i'm praying that he turns off his tv in the next 10 minutes so i don't have to use my broomstick (i refuse to call him and ask politely anymore). posted at 1:44 AM |  

the guy upstairs is now watching an indian movie...does he not have anything better to do on a friday night? i mean, he just got done with finals...shouldn't he be out partying or something? no, he's in his bedroom watching an indian movie. and making all these noises in reaction to whatever is going on in the movie. so, i'll have to deal with this for the next 3 hours i guess...just lovely.

i'd go to my living room, but since my cable is out, there isn't much i can do in there to keep myself occupied. not enough light in there to read...

oh well, i gotta finish cleaning my room anyway. here's a snip from my horoscope today:

See that your bills are paid, and that your bedroom is picked up. Don't forget to clean out the dirt from under your bed, and the demons from inside your mind.

isn't that appropriate? posted at 10:21 PM |  

this asshole upstairs is really irritating me. i wish he would go home already. i need a break from him and his music. when i came back today, it was really, insanely loud. i waited for 15 minutes or so, then banged on the ceiling a few times. so then he turned it down a tiny bit. it's a little more bearable now - meaning i can hear my tv on top of it - but it's still louder than i would like it to be. i don't know, it's just annoying to hear all this thumping...

ah, he just turned it off. thank you. it's amazing how nice and quiet it gets when he turns off his music. ooh, and now i hear him making his way down the stairs. i love it when he goes out!

anyway, i worry that he's going to be here messing around in his apartment for all of winter break until school starts up again at the end of january. a whole month of him staying up all night because he has nothing better to do. won't that be great. i hope he goes on vacation somewhere, i really do...somewhere far, far away. posted at 7:25 PM |  

i really don't feel like doing any more work today. not that i've done much to begin with, but you know...it's friday, it's cold outside, and i want to go home.

i ate way too much for lunch. i must be gaining weight considering how i've been eating so much unhealthy crap lately. had a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke today - that's so unlike me. i used to eat really healthy stuff most of the time. junk like this maybe once every 3-4 weeks. but now, i can totally see myself having this kinda stuff at least once a week. i tell myself i need the meat, so it's ok. but i guess i didn't really need the fries and the coke, huh? : ) posted at 5:23 PM |  

so i'm listening to this really nice acoustic counting crows song on launch right now, and i can't rate it because the damn rating thing isn't showing up!! it's so irritating. sometimes the artist and title don't even show up anymore. it's pretty ridiculous how many bugs this new version has.

but anyway...i saw adam duritz on jimmy kimmel last night. he was wearing a cal shirt, of course. they had a really short interview with him - maybe 2-3 minutes - and at least 80% of it was him talking about cal football! he's the best. i really wish i was going to the bowl game. seems like the after party's going to be super fun, and i'm sure he'll show up there and possibly perform too...

oh well...maybe next time. posted at 2:54 PM |  

bored...never feel like working on fridays.

allergies are driving me nuts. my nose won't stop running.

this is 2-3 days after the fact, but i really dislike the changes that yahoo made to their lauchcast thing. in general, i hate it when interfaces change drastically overnight, especially when the new one is much worse than the old one. which i think is true in this case. but aside from that, it's been so buggy too! it just stops playing for no reason. it's annoying. posted at 12:50 PM |  

i don't know why my room doesn't look any cleaner...i sorted out a bunch of papers and threw away junk and put all my clothes away...and it barely made a difference at all. so frustrating. i just don't have the energy to deal.

after looking all over the place for my stamps, i finally remembered putting them in my wallet. and that's where they have been the whole time. i put them in there when i bought them, and i never took them out, i guess...i vaguely remember thinking about taking them out and then deciding not to...but i know better now, they are out where i can easily spot them whenever they are needed.

my next door neighbor left a message for me regarding all the mice running around and a possible need for mouse poison. so now it's even more likely that there really was a mouse in my room the other night. great, that's really nice to know.

anyway...hopefully i'll sleep through all noises tonight. i'm dead tired. had another bad night last night due to the guy upstairs. i am just so sick of him.... posted at 10:36 PM |  

made a tiny bit of progress, but overall, i'm still really disorganized.

you know how i bought stamps recently? i feel like i put them someplace safe, so they wouldn't get lost in all the crap i have lying around...and now, of course, i have absolutely no idea where i put them. it's entirely possible that i didn't put them anywhere, and they are just mixed up with some papers...but i just have this feeling that i kept them somewhere. a big mistake, probably. i looked for them in some logical places, but i haven't been the most logical person lately, so...who knows where the hell they are...

it's very frustrating when i get this disorganized. i feel like my mind's a mess.

i haven't slept too well over the past few nights, so that's just making everything worse. i felt really dizzy when i was in the shower this morning and was worried that i was going to faint. i was ok a little later though. just really tired and out of it. all day at work, i just wanted to go back to bed...

kinda sucks that i have to get up a bit early tomorrow to go to the chiropractor - i don't even know if it is worth it to keep going or not...he's helped, but i don't know how much more he can help, you know? posted at 11:27 PM |  

it's really hard to clean my room when it's so full of crap. there's just too much of it to sort through...it's annoying me. i feel very disorganized. posted at 12:58 AM |  

update: the boss just emailed me back and said that he wasn't concerned about me, he was complaining about other people in the office. i'm glad that he's noticed that i am a good worker! so, i can keep my current schedule. yay! (a good thing, because lately i've had trouble getting out of bed by 9:45!) posted at 7:12 PM |  

we had a big meeting at work that lasted most of the day. boring as hell. these meetings we have usually don't result in anything actually getting done, they're basically just an opportunity for our boss to lecture us about things...the direction he wants the company to head in, etc.

anyway, the one sucky thing that came out as a result was that he came in early and no one was in the office, so he got pissed about that. told the manager to tell us to get our butts in early. so, we were all told that we have to come in by 9:45 from now on. as soon as he said that, i said "but i stay late!" - which i do! i work more hours than everyone else...then he said to talk to the boss about it. i emailed him before i left, and even explained the situation i have with the upstairs neighbors. if i did come in at 9:45 everyday, i'd also very likely fall asleep at my desk everyday. which isn't really making me more productive now, is it?

thing is, i KNOW the bitch isn't going to come in that early. she barely makes it in before noon sometimes. and she rarely stays past 5:30 because she gets 'headaches' (uh huh, sure). i know the manger won't tell her anything because they're best buds, so why does this rule only have to apply to the rest of us? it's not fair, and i'm not going in damnit! posted at 7:08 PM |  

my cable internet connection is down...again...

i'm on dial-up now. but, maybe this is a good thing. maybe i won't be online as much and i'll actually get something productive done instead. posted at 6:58 PM |  

i'm so tired...didn't sleep well last night. well, first of all i didn't fall asleep until pretty late. went to bed around 2, but the guys upstairs were doing stuff for a while and being their normal loud selves. i wasn't in the mood to complain. anyway...then, i woke up at around 6. there were these noises in my room. i convinced myself that there was a mouse in my room, so then i couldn't go back to sleep. i waited for a while, then just as i started to feel like, ok, maybe it wasn't a mouse, maybe it was just the wind blowing some branches at my window or something silly like that, i hear the noise again. and it seemed closer to my bed this time. so, at this point, i'm convinced that it was a mouse. so, again, i can't sleep. i also couldn't turn on the light, because if i did, and if in fact, i SAW a mouse, i would have freaked out and not slept at all after that. so...again, i waited and listened...eventually, after not hearing anything for a while, convinced myself that the mouse had realized that there wasn't any food in here and went back out from wherever he came in from, and told all his mouse-friends that there was no point in coming in here...was actually ready to fall back asleep at that point, but then my stomach started to hurt and the sun was coming up and it was really cold...took me a while to actually fall asleep again, and in the back of my head i was still listening for the mouse....anyway, so...i'm really sleepy now. but i gotta wait for the guys upstairs to get quieter. don't they have finals to study for? if not, shouldn't they be going home for winter break? i just want some peace and quiet around here... posted at 11:56 PM |  

just got back from the office party...it couldn't get over soon enough.

the food was even worse than i expected...and i only had one drink because i felt like throwing up. that guy's wife didn't come, so i had no one to talk to. and evil hr lady somehow ended up sitting next to me. great, huh?

my boss picked the gift i brought, and i snatched it from him. so, once again, i retrieved my box of chocolates (did the same thing last year). the other gifts totally sucked.

hopefully i won't be around for this crap next year. posted at 9:20 PM |  

i have to go to my stupid office party tomorrow. i hate going to these things. i hope this one guy's wife comes, because she's the only person i'm friendly with. if she doesn't come...man, it's gonna be a long night.

my computer's making weird noises and it's kinda freaking me out.

ok, it stopped...where was i? oh yeah. of all the restaurants in berkeley, they picked this one place that has mediocre food and bad service. and the hr lady pre-ordered all the food and drinks, which doesn't bode well. she pre-ordered everything last year too, and most of it sucked.

oh god, then we have to play that stupid game where you snatch gifts from other people. what's the point? it's all crap anyway...

i'm going to need a lot of wine. posted at 1:49 AM |  

i think i ate something that my stomach didn't agree with. i feel sick : (

anyway...glad saddam was finally caught and all that, but i feel like bush is just going to use this to make people forget about the fact that bin laden is probably still running around out there somewhere. posted at 11:01 PM |  

blah. i hardly did anything. i don't know how i manage to waste so much time. and now i just want to go to sleep. my body is cracking a lot. well, not my whole body, mainly just my shoulders, wrists, and knuckles. very loudly at times. i kinda wonder if i'll ever go back to normal, or if i'm just going to crack like this for the rest of my life... posted at 1:15 AM |  

was going to go out drinking tonight but we decided to postpone it. (by the way milly - let us know if you are free some other time and would like to join us! it wouldn't be the same having a mini mr. chin's reunion without you : )

anyway, this gives me a chance to clean my room or send out resumes...assuming i don't go take a 2-hour nap like i did last friday.

sean called me a little while ago, which was nice. he's heading to south carolina now, i think. it's weird not knowing where he is most of the time. he told me that when his plane landed in new york, it went a bit out of control beause of the weather, started skidding on the runway. kinda scary. but he got to meet bill clinton, maybe that made up for it. posted at 7:30 PM |  

there were some other little things i wanted to blog about while i was in new york, but probably nothing worth going into detail about now...mainly, i was just struck by how rude people were. i've never really noticed that before, but this time it really got to me for some reason.

anyway...moving on to last weekend. i went to this surprise anniversary party for some friends of my mom - i used to play with their kids when i was a kid, and they threw the party for their parents. actually, it was kind of weird because i'd say that more than half of the people there were actually friends of the kids rather than the parents...i guess they didn't know all their parents friends or didn't have the contact info, so they just invited their own friends to fill up the place? anyway, i hadn't seen these kids - i say 'kids' but they're all grown up now - in many, many years. wouldn't have recognized them at all. and i have to say, the older brother turned out to be really cute. i think i used to hate him when we were kids. i played with the sister mostly. but...yeah, he looked good. very different from what i remember! even my mom kept saying how good he looked. and he was really sweet and nice. totally different from what i ever imagined he would be like.

the sister was really high strung, but very sweet as well. she read a poem that she had written for her parents, and also gave a speech that had just about everyone in tears - even i had to wipe the water out of my eyes. i was amazed at how close she was to her parents...i mean, my parents are alright, but i could never imagine saying the type of words that she used for her parents...i could never imagine being brought to tears while talking about them...

after that, they performed some bhangra dancing for their parents - i guess the brother was on the bhangra team at his college, and people from the team were there dancing with them. so, it looked really good - no way can i do that stuff. i feel like an idiot attempting to dance to indian music as it is. but these people were all really good. i was impressed.

anyway...so seeing these two all grown up, it just got me thinking about various indian kids that i've known in the bay area, and how just about all of them except for me had gotten really involved in indian stuff, dance especially, but other organizations too. and they are so lucky that they did - because there's a built in circle of friends in that community. and i've never been a part of it...

i guess this is party due to the fact that from kindergarten through high school, i never went to a school that had a good number of indians. in my elementary school, for the longest time i was the only indian kid there. then, i think when i was in 5th grade, 2 younger kids came from india - and everyone used to make fun of them because they wore bell bottoms. that's the only thing i remember about them.

in my junior high and high school, i think there were only 2-3 other indians aside from me, and i didn't really have any classes with them. i was in choir with one girl, and she was pretty nice, but we didn't hang out or anything...anyway, what i'm saying is, i never got used to socializing with the indian crowd because i had very few indian friends (and they were spead around, mostly kids of my parents' friends), and i never really went to any indian events because i didn't have any friends who were going, and so...when i got to college, i didn't even really give a thought to joining any of the south asian clubs or anything...i had never been in one before, so i had no desire to join one when i was in college. maybe that's a little backwards - i don't know. i just didn't feel like i fit in with them.

eventually i did make some pretty good indian friends when i was in college, but they were like me - weren't part of that club, didn't go to their parties, didn't bhangra or watch indian movies or listen to indian music...so, none of us ever socialized with that crowd. and i never felt like i was missing out on anything to be honest - too much gossip and hooking up and crap.

but now...now i see all these other kids - like these two who threw the anniversary party - and i see how happy they are with all their indian friends who are more like family actually. and i see them dance and have fun, and i see them meet their future husbands and wives, and i see them having a life! and i want that. i'm jealous of it.

sometimes i just wonder how things might have turned out if i had gone to school in a different area, one with a large indian community. would i be a lot different now? would i be happier?

at one point in high school, i remember feeling really lost and left out. some of my close asian friends started to hang out with other asians instead of with me. not because they didn't like me, but because they just had more in common with them. but i didn't have a similar group of people that i felt like i belonged with...it really depressed me. i was so miserable for a while...

but the thing is, when i see a big group of indians now, i don't feel like i fit in with them either. i rarely watch indian movies (and when i do, i just laugh at how bad they are), i don't own any indian music, i don't participate in any indian things here...and i've just never been a part of that whole social scene...so, i'm still lost, i guess. still left out. still longing for people that i fit in with...

it's not so much that i regret not joining any of those indian things when i was in college. in fact, i don't really regret it at all. but...this part of me just wishes that i had all the benefits that they do, being a part of that type of circle. i feel like an outsider most of the time, and that just sucks. i know that i'll never belong in that group, and for the first time in my life, i really do feel like i'm missing out on something because of that. posted at 1:01 AM |  

i didn't finish up with blogging about new york-related stuff. the one other main thing i had wanted to blog about was the 11-year-old cousin of mine...i can't say this to family members, so i have to say it here: i can't stand her.

she's getting worse and worse as she grows older. i liked her best when she was a baby and couldn't talk. though she did have a pretty strong personality as a baby - she would get furious if say, my grandma hugged me. anyway, she was ok when she was a toddler. but by that point her younger sister was born and i liked the little one better already. after that, i think i saw her when she was 5. she was ok sometimes, and annoying at other times. not too bad on the whole, but i really, really liked her younger sister better by then. over the next 4-5 years, she developed this really whiney way of talking that got on my nerves. i would tell her to stop talking like that, and of course, she'd just do it more and louder and wouldn't shut up. but when she wasn't being whiney, she was bearable. i tried to get along with her. but there was always a bit a negativity directed towards me, maybe it's because she knew i liked her sister better, i don't know...she had started to argue with me over every little thing - not in an angry way, just in a 'i'm going to disagree with everything you say just to annoy you' way. she would ask a million annoying questions for the same reason. she just didn't know when to shut up, you know?

anyway, when they came to visit us here back in june, she wasn't too bad, compared to how bratty she was the last time i had seen her (the previous december). she didn't scream and whine too much...but she kept telling me how bored she was - in a sense blaming me for boring her. also, still debating constantly. she'd always try to insist she was right about things, and she wouldn't shut up until everyone said "you're right" - which i only did to get her to stop talking, but she knew that i was just doing it to get her to stop talking, so she she'd just keep going...she just wanted to drive me nuts, and she enjoyed doing so. but other than that, she was ok.

this time...man, i have a hard time saying anything good about her. she's become the anti-anita. i guess she wants to be the complete opposite of me. which is fine. but she's just so rude about it. and arrogant. thinks she is smarter than me, prettier than me, and of course, now that she's so much taller than i am, she just thinks she's better than me. thinks she's everyone's favorite...

anyway, i thought i'd take them both to see "elf" - seemed like it would be funny and they'd enjoy it. i even changed around my weekend plans because she was going to be busy on the day that i originally wanted to take them. but you know what? she didn't come. she proclaimed as loud as she could that she had no interest at all in seeing an american movie. her mom tried to convince her to go and told me to convince her to go, but i said that i wasn't going to force her to see a movie that she didn't want to see. the younger sister had already told me that she wanted to see it, so the two of us went to the movie and had a good time...and she was just so cute - it made me so happy to see her laugh and exclaim "oh my god!" with her hands on her cheeks everytime something funny happened. unlike her big sister, she's a total sweetheart.

aside from that incident...i've decided that i just don't like her as a person. at the wedding, she wore a ridiculous amount of make-up. more eyeliner than i have ever used in my life. what on earth does an 11-year-old need smokey eyes for?!?! come on. she thinks she's this grown woman - and a beauty queen probably. but she looked terrible. and i vowed that if i had a daughter, i would never let her wear than much make-up until she was in high school. oh, and she's taking these indian dance classes now, so she thinks she's the best dancer in the room. when the song she knows comes on, she goes out onto the dancefloor and does her routine - it looked so stupid, i can't even explain...she doesn't know the difference between like, performing a routine on a stage, and just dancing normal with other people on a dancefloor. she's such a geek.

the worst thing is the way she talks. she's always spoken in sort of an indian way, even though she was born in new york. and when she came back from india in september, she had this incredibly thick indian accent. (which is normal, i know that happened to me too when i was a kid) but now...she's somehow gotten this really thick new york accent on top of that. like, she's started changing her r's into w's- it's horrible. so, the whining, combined with the indian phrasing, combined with the rudeness of her new york accent...let's just say i had to leave the room on multiple occassions just to get away from her voice. (thank god i wasn't sleeping at her place!)

there are so many other little things that i haven't even mentioned here...god, she's just such a smart-ass!! and an unpleasant one at that.

one of my fears in life is having a kid that i can't stand. i don't know what i would do. i know, parents always love their kids and see the best in them. and i assume that's the only reason her parents seem to like her so much. but i really, really hope i don't have a kid like her. posted at 12:40 AM |  

the guy upstairs is playing some ridiculously annoying music right now. i can't even begin to express how annoying it is. imagine someone playing the same ugly chord on a synthesizer once every second, and some high-pitched flutes in the background.

oh, it stopped. i'm sure it will start again. maybe he's watching an indian movie or something...i mean, it really didn't sound like the type of music that any sane person would actually choose to listen to. but then again, this is a guy who blasts michael bolton music... posted at 6:43 PM |  

i've had so many things that i've wanted to blog about over the past week or two, and i still haven't gotten most of it out. well, that's partially because i didn't have access to a computer when i was struck with the urge to blog about something. by the time i actually got to my computer, the urge kinda disappeared i guess. or maybe i was lazy. or maybe i had something else i wanted to blog about. anyway...my point is, i feel like i have a lot on my mind right now, which may be contributing to this weird mood i've been in lately...

and i don't even really know where to start right now...

let's go back to new york first. the main thing that happened while i was there was the news that the cousin who had moved back to india has just adopted a baby girl. she hadn't discussed this with anyone in the family, and no one knew anything about it - except for my 11-year old cousin, who was told to keep it a secret. (which, by the way is one of the things that i've been feeling childish about - i was as jealous and upset to hear that as her younger sister was, except i couldn't verbalize it like she did because i'm not 10 years old. but trust me, i felt her pain on that issue.)

anyway, so the family was pretty upset and surprised, and everyone kept saying bad things about her and how crazy she was to do this without talking to any of us first, it went on and on...i think my grandma was probably the most upset. it would be an entirely different matter if she was married, or if she even had a job, or some money in the bank! but she doesn't have any of this...and with her current lifestyle...flying off to various countries on a whim with her rich friend, going out and partying all night, etc. basically, she's been really irresponsible, over the past few years especially. if she can't pay her own bills, and if she doesn't have the time to do anything that she needs to do, then how is she going to support and take care of a child? she has to come back here next year at some point because of her greencard - but she can't take the baby out of india for 2 years. so where is the baby going to go? she's just going to dump it off to someone else to take care of her?

i have so many mixed emotions about this - on one hand, she's always loved kids and she's always been really good with them. i know that she'd be a really good mom...but most of all, i think it would be very healing for her, since she lost her own mother when she was just a little kid herself. however...i really don't understand how she could take on such a big responsibility at this point in her life. she doesn't even have her own place to stay - she's living with this movie star friend of hers, but how long will that last? how long will her friend support her and this new baby? what if this friend gets married - will her husband want them all to live together? it's just nuts. if she had a job, had her own place, had money saved up...i'd support her 100%. but there's just something that feels off right now. i question her motives, i question whether it was her decision entirely or if the friend convinced her to do it, and i question whether she's ready to take on this much responsibility.

i know she'll love the child, she has a huge heart...and i don't have a problem with the fact that she adopted - i have thought about doing that myself at some point in the future. i just don't know if she fully comprehends how much work it will be, and i don't think she's thought this through entirely...and i know that someone had to pull strings to even get the adoption approved...so, it's hard to be behind her right now. especially since she's left us all out of it completely.

it's about more than just the baby - it's about her throwing away her family. this friend that she's living with - she's her family right now. and i just think it's sad, considering how much everyone in her real family has done for her. she claims that she didn't tell us because she didn't want anyone to talk her out of it or discourage her...but you know what? if she explained it all to us - why she's doing this now, how she plans on taking care of the baby, etc. - she would most likely have our blessings. as it stands right now, everyone is pissed and thinks she's crazy. but she doesn't give a fuck what we think because we're nothing to her...honestly, i think everyone's just really, very hurt. i know i am. posted at 11:57 PM |  

it's so cold and wet outside. i hate walking home in this weather.

anyway, i think people are starting to catch on that i'm wasting a lot of time at work trying to format equations in HTML like an idiot. i don't know why i do it. i think i'm just too lazy to learn how to use the microsoft word thing. it seems like that would be a pain too - doing it in word, taking screenshots, saving them as jpegs, then putting links to the correct jpeg file in every single homework question...it seems like it would be annoying, especially when the jpegs have to be placed in a specific location relative to some text...*sigh*...honestly, i just want to quit so i don't have to do either of the two. but for some weird reason, typing the stuff in HTML is oddly relaxing to me. it seems like it should be tedius, but i don't know...it manages to keep my brain occupied enough that i don't get bored, but i also don't have to think so much that i get a headache.

anyway. i missed 24 last week, so i have to go find a re-cap... posted at 6:58 PM |  

i don't know why i'm up so late. i think i must be stressed about something. not quite sure what though.

sometimes, i just kinda feel like i'm losing my mind. posted at 1:57 AM |  

adam duritz wore a cal shirt on kilborn! yay! i heart him...

oh, liked the song too. posted at 1:36 AM |  

i have all these bills that i somehow forgot about and really need to send out ASAP - but i just now realized that i only have 1 stamp left. could have sworn i had some more...but even if i did, how the hell would i find them in my mess of a room?!?! hell, i could barely find some of these bills. one was due on the first actually - but i called and cleared that one up over the phone today.

anyway, so i guess i will walk over to the post office during my lunch break. it's not that far, but it's probably going to be all cold and rainy...not happy about this at all.

that's it, i want to get that print-your-own-stamps software or whatever that thing is...i know i read about it somewhere... posted at 1:21 AM |  

so i watched average joe tonight, and i have to say, i think she ended up with the average guy. in other words, i think the guy she picked (although the better looking of the two) is going to turn out to be more of an average joe than adam, the guy whose heart she broke. i really don't think they'll last. but, i haven't watched for the past few weeks, so maybe i just don't know what she saw in him, other than his 'pretty face' and how good a kisser he supposedly was...anyway, i just felt kinda sad for adam. but he probably deserves someone better.

the girl for next season seems like a snotty, high-maintenance bitch. should be interesting to watch the first episode. posted at 11:55 PM |  

one good thing though - this friend sent me a birthday card in the mail, which was soooo sweet of her and really meant a lot to me...that was another thing that had been depressing me - people forgetting my birthday. happens every year i suppose, but this year seemed worse than normal. so, the card really cheered me up. (i read the card before i looked at her pics online though, so my cheery-state got sidetracked!) posted at 8:42 PM |  

i was just looking through photographs from a friend's wedding (i wasn't able to go to it). she looks so beautiful and happy...it's all very depressing for me though. i'm hoping for no more weddings for at least a year. had way too many this year. shit - forgot my cousin's getting married in may. damn him!!!

it's hard getting older, and it's harder being alone while i'm getting older. i don't feel ready to get married by any means, but at the same time...when you look around and all of your friends are either married or soon-to-be-married...and when your relatives are putting all sorts of pressure on you to find a husband...and when you're all alone and in need of a companion but no one is around...*sigh*....being married would be kinda nice.

(and that is a secret. i'd prefer that everyone in my life still fall for the 'i don't want to get married anytime soon' impression i give off.) posted at 8:16 PM |  

i'm still feeling unusually sleepy...don't know why, got plenty of sleep last night too. maybe i slept too much...

*yawn* posted at 11:16 PM |  

i'm so lazy...slept way too much last night. i need to go take a shower... posted at 2:04 PM |  

well that quiz result was depressing...not that i take these things seriously, i was just bored. and i really don't think my soul is 'bound' to anything...i've just been feeling really lonely lately. posted at 12:51 AM |  

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optimistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla posted at 12:44 AM |  

took a 30 minute nap, then stayed in bed for another hour. i'm tired. and i have the hiccups. posted at 11:13 PM |  

i did nothing at work today...and i actually have work to do now, i just wasn't in the mood. too sleepy or something...i seriously was just staring into space for most of the day. spent maybe 1 hour actually getting work done, but even then i was wasting time trying to perfectly format some equations in HTML even though i was told to just do it in word because we're going to have the art person make jpegs of everything anyway...so, in other words, i didn't really do anything that i was supposed to do.

but anyway...now, i'm staring at my messy room wondering how it is ever going to get cleaned up... posted at 7:01 PM |  

don't feel like going to bed...

dinner was alright. i mean, the food was really good, as is expected at any nice place around here. but...i don't know, it wasn't one of those "wow" dinners where you really feel like it was something special...

but anyway. they got me a gift certificate for a massage. i might hang onto it for when i feel like i really, really need one...lately the chiropractor's been relieving a lot of the tightness. seems like it would be sort of a waste to get a massage now. rather save it for when i'm really, really tight : )

you know what would have been a great birthday gift? someone to come and clean my place up really well...i haven't been in the mood to clean. everytime i start, i just kinda half-ass it...

alright, i better go to bed. have to go to my stupid job tomorrow... posted at 1:07 AM |  

lately, i've found myself getting really upset over things that i don't think i should be getting upset over. it's hard to explain why...mostly, i just feel like i'm being a big baby. i'm just not being as mature as i think i should be. getting upset over things that a 26-year-old probably shouldn't be getting upset over...so, i feel silly even blogging about them. it's like, when i identify why i'm upset and put it in words, i think i sound ridiculous. like a child.

and it's not just one thing, there have been a few things over the past couple weeks that have gotten to me. and i've tried so hard to just let it go, to tell myself that i'm being silly...but, the stupid things still hurt me.

one example - when my dad was dropping me off at the airport last week, he told me that he wanted to take me to a certain restuarant for my birthday (my favorite restaurant). and i was so happy to hear that because he used to take me there almost every year for my birthday (or maybe every other year), even if just for a nice lunch rather than a full/expensive dinner. and it meant a lot to me. but, he hasn't taken me there since he got married (5 years ago). anyway, so i was looking forward to that. but when he picked me up from the airport, he told me that he and my step-mom went there for dinner when i was in new york, and he said he'll take me somewhere else. knife through the heart. ok, i know i am over-reacting. but, it did sting, you know? and i'm sure he'll take me somewhere nice...but, it's not the same. i don't understand why they had to go last week without me. i just don't. and so, yes, i'm being pouty about it. like i'm not an adult who can go there by myself whenever i feel like it...

i have more examples, but i gotta go get ready for my dinner at this other place... posted at 8:04 PM |  

so my cousin and i decided we would try to go to phoenix to watch cal play in the bowl game. but unfortunately, it seems like we may be too late. all the flights are sold out. the alumni association put together some air/hotel packages, but they cost an arm and a leg...i'm so envious now of these people who bought their tickets and made reservations way in advance - before it was even guaranteed that we would be going to phoenix. i was too chicken to do that. i should have acted more quickly though once i did find out. i was in new york at the time and had other things on my mind i suppose...

oh well, next time i'll be more on top of things. and hopefully next time will come next year, as opposed to 7 years from now...yes, that is how long i have waited. '96 was the last time cal went to a bowl. i guess that's why everyone is going this time...all those southwest flights from oakland will be filled with blue and gold...*sigh*...would have been fun to go : ( posted at 12:00 AM |  

that was the longest direct flight i've ever taken from new york to the bay. apparently there were strong head winds. which were great when they were tail winds - i reached new york in less than 5 and a half hours. but coming back...oh, about 7 hours! i was going nuts. no trading spaces marathon on tv tonight either. and i forgot my book somewhere. i'm glad i brought something to eat...

anyway, i'm really tired now. gotta go to work tomorrow : ( posted at 11:16 PM |