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Saturday, January 31, 2004
i need sleep. the guy upstairs, apparently, does not.
at about 5:30 am, he blasted water in his bathroom sink for a good 12-13 minutes. i have absolutely no idea what he does in the middle of the night that needs that much water. brushing his teeth for 12 minutes? washing his face for 12 minutes? what??? and yeah, i had specifically asked him not to blast water and leave it running for extended periods of time in the middle of the night. but he doesn't care. it's unbelievable how loud it is - and when he turns it on full blast, it makes this really irritating high-pitched noise. he happened to do it once when i was in the bathroom, and i had to plug my ears and get out of there, it was so unbearable. i'm so sick of living below him. i should have moved out a long, long time ago... 
feeling really bummed out tonight. i've eaten so much chocolate...
*sigh* i don't know what's wrong with me.
Friday, January 30, 2004
i'm really bored and i don't know what to do with myself...
and as usual, there are plenty of things i should do, but i'm not in the mood for them. mostly because they involve cleaning or sorting. at work i'm starting to get to some math that i honestly don't have the foggiest idea how to do. i really have very little memory of calculus. used to be so easy for me. but now, if i start reading a random section in the middle of the textbook, i can't really make sense of most of it. and even if i do understand what i'm reading, when i get to the problems, i have no clue how to solve them. it's ridiculous. i don't know how i'm supposed to write up solutions for these problems if i don't even know if my answers are correct - thank god for the odd-numbered problems and worked out examples found online. anyway, aside from actually figuring out how to solve these problems, i really have no clue how people at work want me to enter everything in. it's just such a big mess...can't even describe how frustrated i get. no one there understands why i'm so confused either. and they don't listen when i try to explain. it's just so irritating!!! i absolutely hate working there. have i mentioned that enough lately?
didn't sleep too well last night...combination of upstairs guy playing video games, my stuffy nose not allowing me to breathe, and stupid sean stuff...
you know what i missed this time? a good hug. i mean, we hugged a few times, but...i don't know, the last 2 times i saw him, i so clearly remember him giving me these really genuine it's-so-good-to-see-you-i've-missed-you-so-much kinda hugs. the kind that made me want to melt in his arms. i didn't get one of those this time. not that it means anything really...it just made me a little sad when i realized this last night. but anyway...i need to figure out what to do about dinner...i've been feeling really picky about food today. probably because i've eaten some form of noodles and/or soup all week.
you know, it's kinda fucked up that sean never called me back. especially now that he knows that i'm upset.
it was weird that he called me when he did in the first place, just because he had to go so soon. i don't know what that was about. these are typical sean-things that get to me. i know that's just the way he is, but...damn it, it's just so frustrating.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
i feel like i didn't digest my dinner properly.
i don't know why i felt the need to share that, i'm just bored.
i had made plans to go out to this pub in sf tonight...but, cancelled because of my cold. wondering if i should have gone anyway just because it would have been fun and i am feeling a little bit better...but then this other part of me knew i was still recovering and that i should stay in and rest and not drink and be out late in the cold...
conflicting aspects of my personality really annoy me sometimes. especially because the conservative one wins out almost all the time. i don't think i'll be going snowboarding either, because i don't think my back will hold up.
many very annoying things going on at work...
first of all...all the work i've been doing since december has pretty much been a total waste. they tell me today, you're not going to like this, but we're changing to flash, and flash won't understand all your stuff that's in html, so you'll need to make gifs of everything from now on, and at some point go back and change all of the stuff you've already done so that they are all gifs too. great. what fun that will be. i just find it strange that they're just figuring this out now. i mean, they knew they were going to be switching their other stuff to flash months ago. it should follow that homework would be switching to flash too. so...why didn't they tell me 2 months ago to stop using html?!?! why now, after i've already written about 100 problems in html??? i seriously work for the stupidest people. piss poor management. they are always too busy fucking around, downloading music, taking 2 hour lunch breaks, etc. to actually think about what's going on at work and what needs to get done and making sure that everyone knows what they need to know, and more importantly, looking at our product to make sure that it's not crappy. anyway. aside from that. the bitch. could she possibly be any more annoying. today, she got on this issue of too many repetitive and un-creative problems. we have these 2 teachers who are supposed to be writing homework problems, and 1 of them basically did what most teachers would do - give a bunch of problems like the ones that are found in textbooks. you know how every section in a typical math textbook would have, say, 20-40 problems that all look the same, but just have different numbers? so that's kinda what she's done. and frankly, for some of these sections, there just aren't any creative questions that you can ask because it's all procedural. but anyway, the bitch wasn't satisfied with that, so she sent her an email telling her not to do that. fine. but here's my issue: when the bitch first started working here, she once gave me a list of problems that she wanted for this one lesson, and how many of each she wanted - 10 of this type, 15-20 of this type, etc. and i had already written about 20 or so problems, and she seemed like she wanted me to do at least 50 more. when i tried to explain to her that we don't usually give that many different problems of the same type, she screamed at me "well textbooks give hundreds of problems like this!" it was one of our big, loud arguments that everyone in the office heard. so now, for her to be taking the opposite stand...she's just such a big hypocrite. i think that she just tries to find fault with anyone she doesn't like and criticizes the hell out of their work just to boost her ego or something... i need to get out of this job. i can't take it anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know, i've said that many times before, and i'm still here months and months later...i'm just too chicken to quit without another job waiting for me. i don't know what to do.
sean called me this morning to ask why he hasn't heard from me in so long. i told him it was because i was upset. then, all of a sudden, he had to go. told me he would talk to me later...don't know when 'later' will be...but i'm actually a bit calmer now and can talk to him if he wants to. i won't curse him out or anything...
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
upstairs guy has been watching/listening to the most annoying thing for the past 2 hours. it's irritating the hell out of me, whatever it is. probably another indian movie. too much pounding music, it's driving me nuts.
*sigh* i should go back to work tomorrow...doubt i'll get much done, especially if my nose is still running as much as it did today. but, i'll see how it goes.
initial instinct was to ignore his email and not respond at all. but now this part of me kinda wants to curse him out. i realize that he probably has NO CLUE how upset i was/am...or maybe he's just been too self-absorbed to even think about it...but at the same time, he needs to know what an ass he is. and i think i might feel a little better if i tell him. i don't know.
this damn cold does not want to go away...glad i didn't go to work today, i would have been miserable.
anyway...i just saw sean get online. it's such a weird feeling to see that he's on and that he's not saying anything to me. just feels...rude, i don't know. it hurts a bit. and i'm still too pissed to say anything to him.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
don't think i'll be going to work tomorrow. i hate getting colds. but, i do like staying in bed.
sent out my resume to one place. was going to start a cover letter for another company, but then i looked more carefully at their application requirements - they actually give 2 projects that applicants have to submit along with their resume and cover letter. so...that will take me a while. and it requires me to do actual work. don't know when i'll have the time...
stayed home today. throat is killing me.
i checked my work email though - so much bullshit, it's ridiculous. i don't know why i work with such incredibly stupid people. they don't do my work, and yet they think that they know all there is to know about it.
Monday, January 26, 2004
i think i'm catching a cold. don't feel too good : (
lots of shit to take care of at work too. we hired these 2 people to work part time, but neither of them has been as productive as we expected. so...we're way behind schedule. and it probably doesn't help matters that i have been really, really slacking off a lot lately. i've just been terrible. but...no one really knows that except for me. besides, compared to these other 2, i'm doing great. and i always have the excuse that my boss gave me all this other shit to do on the side for his proposals. yeah, that's what i've been working on all month that's keeping me so busy. sure. and when i'm feeling brain-dead and don't want to do actual math, i just mess around with HTML stuff, trying to get the equations and everything to look nice. huge waste of time, but sometimes, that's all i really feel like doing. makes me look like i'm busy doing some work, when in actuality, i'm not really doing much at all. but i may be totally screwed because we're probably going to end up switching to a different font and layout, which could very well make all the equations look like crap in the end. and these other 2 people are computer-phobes, so getting them to type in even just some simple HTML is really asking a lot. one of them emailed today and basically said "i didn't take this job to do all this technical stuff that anita wants me to do, blah blah blah." made me sound like the bad guy when all i did was to suggest that when she writes f(x), she do it in times new roman italics. if that's too complex for her to handle, then i'm sorry...i don't know what to tell her. it seriously cannot be that hard to find people who know basic HTML and who can also do calculus. i mean, really. half the people they have hired have just been ridiculous. if i had anything to say about it, i would just hire a math undergrad. they can just come by the office in between classes, no 'teacher' issues, no bitching about technology...they make some extra cash to pay for books, everyone's happy. but noooo, we have to hire these idiots with 20 years of teaching experience, but who can barely figure out how to send email, let alone make a font italicized. it's just nuts. the management at my company sucks. and they will be totally screwed when i leave. (hopefully soon!)
today is looking like one of those completely unproductive days for me...i just don't feel like getting any work done, want to go to bed.
Sunday, January 25, 2004
i don't want to go back to work tomorrow...i know i say that practically every weekend, but it just doesn't get any easier.
Saturday, January 24, 2004
hey, cal's basketball team actually won 2 games in a row!!! woo-hoo!! they looked much better today than they have all season. gives me a little hope. probably NIT-hope, but it's better than no hope at all.
Friday, January 23, 2004
so i met this guy today - best looking guy i've met in ages - and of course, I LOOKED LIKE SHIT. i swear, i don't know what is up with my face right now. i've been breaking out like crazy for the past 2 weeks. this gigantic zit on my left cheek just refuses to die. everytime i think its going down, it pops back up. and the dark circles under my eyes aren't helping matters (someone told me it was the iron pills causing that...but i'm not ready to stop taking them yet). i wasn't even dressed nice. grrrrr.
anyway...i didn't really talk to the guy much, i was talking to his mom. she's a friend of my dad's and she does accupuncture. thinking about giving it a try, but i don't know...she was really nice though. her son is a grad student here. i'm sure he's equally nice and intelligent on top of his looks...which just makes me even sadder that i probably made no impression on him whatsoever....
i'm not quite satisfied with my latest resume and cover letter yet. been picking at it for the past couple hours...i don't think it's going out tonight. the job is essentially a teaching job, except it's some sort of 'virtual' classroom, so technically doesn't require a credential...although, i'm sure that they would prefer someone with a credential. and with teaching experience. of which, i have none. so it's kinda hard to make it seem like i'm qualified to teach this class, when i've never done anything of the sort...it's actually pretty terrifying to me and i don't even know if i would be any good at it. but what the hell, i'll give it a shot if they take me. i do like the idea of actually interacting with students. doesn't really happen at my current company...i mean, i think there are some students using our stuff, but we don't have anything to do with them. we only provide materials to the professors, and usually the professors are the only people we have contact with. so, it would be completely different, and much more rewarding i'd assume, to actually communicate with students.
now if only i could write a letter to convince them that i'm capable of doing that...
Thursday, January 22, 2004
reading over what i've written here, it occurred to me that it probably appears as though i flipped out over nothing. but trust me, i left out a lot. mainly, it was the last phone call with him that really pissed me off...just his attitude about things, i don't know. he seemed to not care that he wasn't going to see me before he left. like it wasn't even worth making an attempt...then he tried to turn it around and make it about him losing his job and how nothing turned out as he expected it would, etc. it just came off as being sort of "it doesn't matter that i'm not going to see you because my life is fucked and i have other more important things to be concerned about." then, when he realized that i was upset, he tried to tell me to meet him for coffee the next morning. if i wasn't so completely pissed at that point, i probably would have agreed. though, at the very least, he should have offered to come to berkeley to see me in the morning rather than trying to get me to go out to where he was staying, knowing that i had to go to work and all...but that's beside the point. i actually would have taken a half-day off and fucking driven him to sfo just to spend more time with him. but the way he was talking to me, i just didn't feel that it was worth it for me to do anything for him. there were plenty of opportunities for us to spend some time together, despite his crazy schedule, but he just didn't seem to want to make the effort. so...why should i? if i'm not important enough to him, then why on earth would i go meet him for coffee given how he just decided to go get drunk with his co-workers that night instead of hanging out with me like he said we would? and without even bothering to call and tell me.
i do think a lot of it had to do with him suddenly losing his job - i understand how tough that must be. but at the same time...i don't know, i expected more from him...thought he had grown up a bit. guess i was wrong. him not calling me back later that night or the next morning...that was the final straw. i deserved a fucking phone call if nothing else. instead of trying to smooth things over, he probably just wanted to avoid the whole situation and run away, like he always does. there's probably more to the story, but that's the gist of it. and now that that's out of my system, i really need to go send my resume out.
slowly starting to not feel as depressed...it's just very hard not to think about him sometimes, you know? like, when i woke up this morning, i heard something on the radio and immediately thought "i have to remember to tell sean that, he's going to...oh wait, i'm not going to talk to him..." and then later, when i was getting dressed, i was thinking to myself "why did i wear that ugly old shirt to dinner with sean, i should have worn this instead...it looks so much better on me..." - like, i'm seriosly worried about how i looked after the fact. i'm so ridiculous sometimes. there's a lot of little things that i haven't blogged about really...mostly because i feel so pathetic...
anyway...thinking about going snowboarding in a few weeks. not totally decided yet, but i'm tempted to go just because it'll get my mind off of him for a day or two. although, i've never snowboarded before and something tells me i'll be terrible at it...
feel a little better now. took a long hot shower, then wrote a cover letter for another totally different job that i want to apply for. i don't want to let myself get completely unproductive thinking about him all the time...will try to keep myself busy with things...
i do feel like i am starting to calm down a bit though. i don't think i'll bite his head off if/when i hear from him. well, maybe a little. i don't know, we'll see...it's quite possible that he'll wait a good long time before contacting me. i'm sure he knows how pissed i am. but whatever...i'll deal with it when it happens. or ignore him completely if that's what i choose to do. anyway, i better get to bed now, didn't sleep much last night and i'm starting to feel dizzy.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
blah...it's going to be a long day.
was feeling ok in the morning on my way to work, just because it was so nice and sunny out, and i saw possibly the cutest puppy on earth...i was trying to keep a positive outlook on things, i don't know... came in, tried to drown myself in work and some music...but an hour or two later, i started to feel sad again. it hit me - he didn't even bother to call me before leaving!! i just can't believe that. i don't know whether or not i would have actually spoken to him...but i just thought he would have at least called me to say bye or something. him not calling just makes everything 10 times worse... normally when i'm upset or sad about something, he's the person i go to. so now i just kinda feel at a loss...don't know who to talk to, who to seek some comfort from... music really doesn't help much considering how many songs remind me of him and/or trigger some memory i have with him... i've had this knot in my throat for the past hour, and it's not going away. hungry, but don't feel like i can eat. i don't know what to do with myself. i've never been like this before...it's not just last night, i think it's 5-6 years' worth of shit that's piled up inside of me. all coming out right now. i can't deal. i just want to curl up in bed for a few days. you know that episode of will and grace, after she broke up with woody harrelson's character? that's what i feel like doing... stupid job, i really need to get the hell out of here. i want to quit, i want to fly off to another country, get away from my whole life for a while. i don't know how i'm going to get myself to act normal, go through the daily grind...i just feel like shit. and in the back of my mind, i'm wondering when i'll hear from him, and what he'll say, and what i'll say...i'm wondering if i'll cool down in a week or a month or a year, go back to what we had, as though nothing changed... i'm just so confused right now. in shock really. it was just sunday night that things were so great between us...better than they have been in a long time...why did he have to go and throw it all away, ruin it? what is he scared of? i don't understand. i wish i could just erase him from my brain right now. i'll drive myself nuts trying to figure things out. maybe i already have. i don't know what else i can say...i need to go eat something.
so i cried for about an hour, then just sat in my bed completely numb for about 2 hours, and now...i don't know. i should probably go to bed, but i don't know if i can get myself to fall asleep right now.
i'm taking all this a lot worse than i expected i would. mainly, i'm upset at how weak i am. how i could even allow a guy - a stupid guy - to make me feel like this. i just feel like i should have some protective shield around my heart...but, it's nowhere to be found. how did he manage to even get through it in the first place? god, i'm not even all that attracted to him anymore. why does he still have this hold on me? i don't get it. I DON'T GET IT. i realize that once i've had time to cool down, i'll probably take back a lot of things that i'm saying and thinking about him. this isn't really about him though - it's about me. i don't understand why i let him get to me like this. i don't know how to make it stop. i'm so pissed at myself for not letting go of him years ago. i want myself to be this strong, independent person, and at moments like this, i realize how far i am from being that person. that's what's depressing me...
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
great...he's not coming. he's still in san francisco, has to close down the office, then go back to his friend's place in oakland and pack for his flight tomorrow morning. in other words, i won't be seeing him. not tonight, not before he leaves tomorrow...and probably not for a very long time in general.
how does he always do this to me? does he even realize how hurt i am? this part of me had a feeling i wouldn't see him. it's just...when i spoke to him this afternoon, i really thought that he would come over tonight. so now i'm just so incredibly down and disappointed and heart-broken and...and...pissed! i don't know what to say anymore...i just want to go cry.
i'm driving myself insane right now...no sign of sean, and he's not answering his phone. i have no idea where he is either.
sean's leaving tomorrow morning...he said he might stay with me tonight. i hope he does. he's just got some things to deal with - has no money to pay for his plane tickets, for one thing. i wish he didn't have to leave so soon...i'll be really crushed if i don't get to at least see him tonight.
no word from sean this morning...i'm a little worried. he was in bad shape when i spoke to him last night...and he's not answering his phone now...*sigh*...i don't know what to do, what to tell him...
Monday, January 19, 2004
tonight just sucks...i'm so depressed now. was all happy last night, and now, 24 hours later, sean is unemployed and will be leaving town soon...and suddenly i find myself feeling all alone again.
i'm just so sad. i can't even explain it...i just want to cry. i hate saying bye to him, not knowing when i'll see him again...it breaks my heart, it really does.
shit...gephardt just dropped out, according to one news station...
i really don't think sean was prepared to hear that. at all.
things aren't looking good for sean's candidate (gephardt). in fact, they're looking pretty terrible...*sigh*...sean is going to be really upset - he's at a 'victory party' right now, except there is no victory to celebrate.
shit, he might be out of a job soon...it's all just very sad...
sometimes, days like this are needed just to get organized and take care of things that i never get around to taking care of...had to make 3 phone calls to clear up some bills...also found my vehicle renewal, which i had totally forgot to send out (whoops!). and just tossed a bunch of junk. so, i've been a little productive. i'm happy about that. i'm in a pretty good mood today in general. just wish this big zit on my left cheek would go away. it's driving me nuts. i've been breaking out like crazy since last week...hate it.
anyway, my keyboard is a little sticky right now and it's annoying me. i spilled a lot last night. nothing directly on my keyboard, but some splashed onto it a bit. i tried to soak it up right away, but i guess not enough to prevent stickyness. i need to not have any liquids near my computer. especially when i'm drunk and not quite as coordinated as i should be.
haven't really gotten very far with the whole cleaning-my-room thing...actually, i haven't even started. i don't know why i'm so lazy...going to start soon...or, um, right after general hospital.
wow, i'm up early considering it's a holiday...
actually, i'm cheating - i never fell asleep last night. just tossed and turned a lot. finally got out of bed because i kept smelling sean's cologne. last night was kinda nuts...we were just laughing a lot and doing stupid things...and there was a lot of kicking and screaming on my part (i think i probably drank a bit too much). but anyway...i wish he could have stayed. i wish this stupid iowa thing wasn't today. (alright, i shouldn't call it 'stupid' - but come on, it does seem a little dated, doesn't it?) alright, i'm really hungry right now. plans for my day off: clean my room!!
Sunday, January 18, 2004
ok, alias is a really hard show to watch when your mind is elsewhere...i've had to rewind like 10 times so far - and i'm barely 5 minutes into it.
sean just left : (
(my apartment, not the bay area) we just went to dinner and hung out here for a while...then he got a work-related phone call at the most inappropriate time...left soon after that. he has a huge day tomorrow. it's going to be nuts, i'm sure. i think he feels like he should be in iowa right now instead of here...and honestly, it would be much more fun to have him here at a less crucial time...i'm hoping he won't have to leave too soon...i won't get to see him tomorrow, so it would totally suck if he had to go on tuesday morning.... anyway...i taped alias so i'm going to watch it now. try to get my mind off of the possibility of him leaving before i get to see him again...
i've been feeling so weak and tired...blah :(
no idea where sean is today. he said he'd have some free time, but i don't know when... i'm attempting to clean my bathroom, but i just got reminded of why i haven't given it a good scrubbing lately - my hands and arms are still really, really weak. i could barely hold up my tilex spray bottle...it's really pathetic. my right hand just started burning up from the stress...whatever, did the best i could. i just hate feeling like an old lady.
Friday, January 16, 2004
my boss actually emailed me and made me do some work from home...ok, "made" is a strong word. but with my boss, when he says something like "it would be nice if you could..." what he really means is "you better do this NOW!"...so, i did it. i know he has a proposal to send out, and monday's a holiday so i'm not going to go in to work then. better to get it over with today.
sean also tried to get me to go in to his office today and help him out. he's nuts. and i think he knows i'm not going there on the weekend either. i feel better now though, having rested for most of the day.
didn't wake up until 1 pm today. and that was just because i got a phone call! i would have probably kept sleeping otherwise...i feel like an idiot. sorry again milly!!! (i had made lunch plans, but as of last night, i wasn't sure whether or not i would go to work today...thought i'd call milly in the morning and let her know, but i didn't realize that i would sleep in so late!)
anyway, no fever at the moment, but i just feel kinda light-headed and out of it. and actually, if i hadn't been so out of it, i would have remembered to tell milly this morning when i initially woke up and called in to work...i feel so bad about that...
great, my fever's up again. about 100 degrees. i don't have any other flu symptoms. just feel a bit out of it...
Thursday, January 15, 2004
slept for 2 hours. it was hard to get out of bed, but i know i'll have trouble sleeping tonight if i spend all evening sleeping...
seems like sean's going to have another late night. iowa race is getting really close...i imagine that all 4 of those top candidates are scraping to get more votes. i'm starting to doubt that i'll get to see sean over the weekend. i guess that's why he wants me to go in and help make phone calls. i don't think i could do that though. i'm not good on the phone, i'm not good at convincing people to do things, and, as i stated earlier, i don't know shit about politics.
came home early from work...wasn't feeling well. actually, i had a little fever last night and it kept me up all night. so mainly i'm just really tired and was having trouble keeping my eyes open. checked my temperature and it's totally normal now. i hope that's a good sign and i'm not getting sick...
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
just got back from sf...sean and i were supposed to get dinner after his thing tonight, but he ended up having to go back to the office to finish up some work. so...it was really late by the time we got out of there. we got on BART and then went our separate ways...it was good though. i mean, the speech was only 5 minutes long, but i'm glad i went...it was strange to see him being such an adult - dressed in a suit and tie, giving a speech. he was the first to go, so i don't think he really knew what to say...also, he had to condense a 15-20 minute speech into 5 minutes, so he had to rush a couple things in at the end. but i think overall he spoke more from the heart than any of the others. or at least it came across that way because he wasn't reading a prepared speech like they were, he was just talking. which for this particular audience seemed appropriate. probably wouldn't fly in a more formal gathering, but this was kind of a meaningless event. it was probably a good experience for him though, and i think he'll do a much better job the next time he has to go to one of these types of things.
i really don't know shit about politics though. i felt really out of my element.
i'm gonna go hear sean's speech tonight. i hope this thing isn't formal - i'm wearing an old pair of jeans that are sort of tearing in some places. and my ugly old jacket...because it's raining and i didn't want to get my new one wet. i'm silly like that. actually, i didn't know that i was going to go to the speech straight from work, or i would have dressed a little better...maybe brought along a brush for my hair. god, it's gonna be a mess by the end of the day. oh well. i think it'll make him happy if i'm there. actually, he's trying to convince me to go in and help make phone calls to iowans this weekend. i don't know about that...
i seriously needed to clean my room tonight, but it didn't get done as usual. i'm so mad at myself. i just don't have the energy tonight though...didn't sleep at all last night. not at all. don't think it was due to the upstairs guy, although from the sounds of things, he didn't sleep all night either. anyway...sometimes, me and alcohol just don't go well together. and trust me, i had very little last night. have no idea why i was having so much difficulty.
anyway...so...i pretty much did nothing at work today. too sleepy to think. lately i've had a lot of trouble focusing and just getting shit done. i have work to do, i'm just bored with it. i don't know how much longer i can keep doing this. it's like my brain just doesn't feel like exerting itself anymore. half the time i just sit and stare. it's really pathetic. alright, i'm really tired now and about to pass out...*praying for no noise tonight*
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
sean has to give a speech tomorrow so i probably won't be seeing him tonight...it's kinda hard to imagine him giving a speech. not that he's quiet or anything, he likes to talk. but i've just never heard him talk...professionally, i mean.
anyway...i know he has a lot to do, but this really is hard...not seeing him...i don't even know where he's staying tonight. other than the fact that it's not going to be my place.
i don't understand how one person can make me feel so happy and yet so heart-broken at the same time.
just got back from seeing sean. he's staying with a co-worker friend of his tonight, about a 5 minute drive from where i live. and he'll pretty much be working 12 hour days everyday. he's not really sure where he'll be staying the rest of the time he's here. i want him here with me of course...and i tried to tell him that he could come stay with me...but, he was a little hesitant. he said that he wasn't sure because he thought my roommate might mind. but i don't know if that's really the case...he's so hard to read sometimes. anyway...he looks good and happy and lively and all that. filled me in on some of the campaign dirt that no one knows about. we just went out and had a beer with the guys he's staying with, and that was pretty much it. he's got a long day tomorrow. and everyday after that...*sigh*...it's so hard for me, after not seeing him for 2 years, to have him here but not be able to spend quality time with him.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
turns out sean might only be here for 1 week, not 3. so...that sucks. i've gone from being really excited to sort of depressed. i know 1 week is better than nothing, but with his job, i have a feeling that i'll barely get to see him at all while he is here. it's just really disappointing...
i was watching the figure skating championships tonight, and i honestly don't know why i get so teary-eyed when i watch michelle kwan skate...seriously, i get so emotional. is it just me? i mean, aside from her family and friends, does anyone else get weepy watching her? i just think she's amazing. i don't know how she does it...
anyway...aside from the brilliance of michelle kwan, you know what's really cool about figure skating? the fans. in other sports, when your team plays poorly or someone makes a mistake, people start booing them or making disgusted comments. in figure skating, when someone who was expected to do well falls, you sometimes notice the audience starts clapping in the middle of the program - for no reason in particular, just to help push the skater along so he or she doesn't lose confidence and finishes on a high note. it's really touching.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
i got out of my lazy mood and started cleaning...actually, not really cleaning, just kinda...reorganizing some things. i have so much crap in this apartment that i really need to sort through and get rid of. i just keep putting it off...
anyway, in the process of this reorganizing, i somehow made my room even messier than it was before. i really hate living like this - i think it's making my head feel like it's a mess too. and it's not just my room, it's the whole apartment. even though the rest of the place doesn't look messy, i see all this stuff that doesn't belong, and it just feels really chaotic sometimes. i don't know how to explain...i just have way too many things to take care of around here, and no one to help me with it, and no time/energy to do it, and no real motivation to do it. i think i would be more likely to get it done (bit by bit) if i were getting a decent amount of sleep at night. but who knows when that will happen.
Friday, January 09, 2004
having one of my sleepy/tired/lazy friday nights. the bags under my eyes look ridiculous. i got maybe 5 hours of sleep last night, but i was woken up in the middle at some point (as usual).
anyway...my boss didn't come in to work today so everyone was talking shit about him. i feel bad for the guy. i mean, he is totally unreasonable and rude sometimes, but at the same time, i don't think he deserves all the crap he gets from some people in the office. he's a lot more intelligent than they give him credit for.
sean's coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he called me this morning to tell me the news. he'll be in town until early february - 3 whole weeks!! working most of the time, but that's ok....i'm so excited about seeing him...i thought he was kidding at first. when he got off the phone, i was just lying in bed for an hour smiling...i can't wait until he gets here...i know his work schedule will likely be crazy, but i'm looking forward to any time i do get with him...
Thursday, January 08, 2004
ok, found it. turns out i emailed the job posting to myself. funny, i had given up on looking for it and was actually just trying to clean out my inbox a bit when i stumbled upon it.
anyway, i'm too tired to write a new letter tonight. tomorrow maybe, depending on whether or not i will be able to sleep tonight. i can hear that he's watching or listening to something right now. i'm just crossing my fingers that it gets over within 1-2 hours.
i can't find the name/website of the other company i was going to apply to. the job listing isn't even showing up anymore...thought i had bookmarked the company's website, but i can't find it.
oh well. it was a reach anyway.
i'm so tired. worn out due to lack of sleep...upstairs guy woke me up twice last night, once at around 3:30 (ridiculously loud BOOM, as though some big heavy piece of furniture toppled over), and then again at 5 something. and that's on top of the fact that i wasn't even able to fully fall asleep until 2:30 because he was watching a movie. i don't know what to do, what to say...the more this happens, the more fed up i get. and earplugs won't help much, trust me. it's freakin loud. people think i blow it out of proportion, but honestly...sometimes i think i should find a way to tape-record it, so i'll have evidence.
sent out my resume to that one company. my goal is to send out one more this week. need a totally different cover letter for that one. and the one i just wrote was completely different from previous ones i have written. it must be so much easier for people who basically apply for the same type of job at every company...
anyway. i'm breaking out for some reason. think i'll go put on a mud mask.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
uh, i don't think that resume's gonna get sent out tonight. i'll try to finish my cover letter, but i'm having issues with it right now. this week, definitely. some time this week. that's a much more manageable time frame for me. it's almost done really, i just need to change the wording a little bit...sometimes, a single sentence can drive me nuts.
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
i will send out my resume tomorrow. i'm writing it here so i don't get lazy and let it slip.
totally unrelated: for some reason, i can never publish at this time. keep getting an ftp error. it's annoying.
Monday, January 05, 2004
watched a bit of average joe tonight. not much to comment on, it's such a boring show really. i just like looking at the girl's face when she sees the guys for the first time. and her reaction on the hidden cameras when she doesn't know she's being filmed. i do feel bad for the guys, but at the same time, i think the girl comes out of it looking the worst.
i just kinda wish they'd really find some average looking guys with good personalities, rather than these quirky-dorky-goofy-odd types. and throw in some good looking guys with obviously terrible personalities (i know they exist). but then again, no one would watch that.
he's still making noise. it's like 1:30, man. go to bed. better yet, go back to your parents home for 2 weeks.
living here puts me in such a bad mood. i really should have moved to another place last year.
the guy upstairs is back already : (
why, why has he come back so soon? no one else in berkeley has. school doesn't start until the 20th. why is he here already??? damn it. he just turned on his stupid music. i hate him, i hate him, i hate him. ok, i don't really hate him. i just hate the fact that i am living below him in this stupid building. but i do really dislike him too. i mean, what is he printing right now? he has the most annoying printer. i know he doesn't have homework due tomorrow, so what's the hurry this time? can it not wait until morning? (not that i'm sleeping now, but still. it's just not something i would do if i were him.)
Sunday, January 04, 2004
i'm soooooo cold.
trying to warm up my apartment again. thermostat read 55 degrees this time. i really don't understand my roommate. anyway. not much to blog about. i just wanted to say that my feet are freezing, our men's basketball team sucks, and i don't want to go back to work tomorrow.
went over to visit a friend of mine today...i'm extremely jealous of her new house. it's gorgeous. it's my dream house. she hasn't even furnished most of it yet, been too busy with the new baby. but the little that she does have in it is just beautiful. i want a house like that...eventually.
it's just so weird to me that she's only a year older than i am and already is so settled down - great house and a husband and baby...things that i don't see myself having for a while. i mean, i'm still daydreaming about having a nice apartment for myself, alone. and honestly, i have no idea when that will happen... what i'm trying to say is, i'm worried that i'm getting older and my life is just flying by but my goals and dreams aren't changing appropriately. i don't make plans for myself, i've mentioned that before. but i have sort of envisioned what i wanted my life to be like in some sense - what type of place i want to live in and what i want to be doing in general terms. and what i envisioned for my mid-20's is so far from how i am actually living right now. but i still envision it, i still want it and expect it and look forward to it. but now i'm just questioning all that, because i have this fear that it's never going to happen. and that i'll continue living in denial, still expecting it to happen someday. and before i know it, i'll be in my thirties and priorities will have to change. it's scary. maybe i'm over-reacting, i don't know. i get the impression that my friend feels that all this stuff (marriage, baby, etc.) happened to her so quickly, and so she never really had the time for herself - to go to law school, establish her career, do the fun things that she wanted to do. and here i am, and i have the time, and i have the freedom, and yet i still don't feel like i'm doing the things that i want to be doing. and as i get older, i have less and less time to do those things... ack. who knew that the big 26 would do this to me. most people say 30, but i think 26 is the big one. there's something really frightening about getting over the 25 hump. of course, ask me again when i'm 30 and i'll probably have a hundred other fears and concerns by that time. anyway...despite all this, i still have this feeling inside of me that things will happen when they are meant to happen. i probably need to learn to listen to what i want and what i'm ready for instead of looking around at friends or listening to my older relatives nagging... of course, as i wrote that last sentence i was already having doubts about what i want and whether or not it is really what i want or if i should want something other than what i want... i'm just a mess right now.
Friday, January 02, 2004
i can't believe it's friday already...only 3 days left before i have to go back to my stinky job. it's depressing me already...
a year ago, i really didn't think there was any chance i'd still be at the same company for this long. and now i'm once again convincing myself that there's no way i'll still be here next year. but what if i am? how depressing would that be? yikes. i don't want to even think about it... i tend to fail miserably at most new year's resolutions i make, but the main one i have for this year is to find a job. i need to get myself back on top of things - finding companies, sending out resumes, etc. it's a lot of work, but i need to force myself to do it, to not let myself get lazy or discouraged...i don't want to look back a year from now and wonder what the hell happened. not again.
Thursday, January 01, 2004
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