just got back from my mom's place...it's really nice and quiet here...no one running around upstairs...and my roommate went home to taiwan for a month...so i have the place all to myself!! yay!!

i had a dream last night in which 1) the guys upstairs were still living there (although, they looked like different people), and 2) i didn't get that job i interviewed for. let's hope neither of those things come true. posted at 9:44 PM |  

sometimes i find it so hard to blog about the things that i need to blog about the most... posted at 2:17 PM |  

i was hoping upstairs guy would be gone when i came home today...but, no such luck. he's still making an insane amount of noise doing stuff in his room...*sigh*...when will it end??? posted at 6:38 PM |  

the third reference finally wrote me back, so ignore my confusion in the previous post. i just have to fill out that section of the form and mail it to them...anyway, i'm still doing nothing at work. i think i'll leave early...no boss here today... posted at 5:59 PM |  

i'm bored...no point in doing work when no one's here. i'm getting hungry, but i don't think i should leave the office until someone else gets back. (i don't have the keys to lock it up and don't want to get blamed if something gets stolen.)

i'm not sure what to do about the references for the job application. the third person still hasn't replied to my email...should i list her anyway? i can't think of anyone else really. unless i list someone from my office, but i feel weird about doing that. should i just send them 2 references for now? or i can always mark "do not contact" for a third person...but what's the point of listing someone as a reference if they can't contact that person? i'm so confused...

and damn it, i want to hear back from them soon. i hate all this waiting. and monday's a holiday too. another day of waiting!

alright, someone finally came in to the office. i better go get something to eat. posted at 1:14 PM |  

looks like i have the whole office all to myself...wish there was something naughty i could do. mind's blank right now.

upstairs guy kept me up until well past 3 am last night. it was really horrible. not music or video games, just him walking around his room non-stop, doing stuff with furniture...i have no idea what was going on or why he needed to do all that in the middle of the night. but it went on for a couple hours, and i banged on the ceiling with my brookstick several times before he finally went to bed and i could sleep. for a little while anyway. he woke up at about a quarter to 7 this morning. i seriously don't understand how he gets by on 3 hours of sleep. i had a headache just lying there. think i fell back asleep around 7:30 and dragged myself out of bed a little before 10. i was so tired. i can't take this shit anymore. least he could have done is left a note apologizing or something...i just don't understand how people can be so fucking rude and inconsiderate. 2 nights in a row.

my only comfort is in hoping that what he was doing last night was cleaning out his room and packing. posted at 12:38 PM |  

and...the music has started again. walk like an egyptian, one of his favorites. it's on repeat a lot.

*sigh*

he was being so much quieter than normal for the past 2 months or so, but now he's back to being as asshole. i'm hoping it's just because he's moving out soon and doesn't have to worry about pissing me off anymore.

i'll wait until next week and see if he's gone. if not, i may have to start making angry phone calls again. i hate doing it, but i can't fucking sleep at night. posted at 11:13 PM |  

so no one's said anything about my haircut until this morning when my chiropractor of all people said "did you do something different to your hair?", totally out of the blue while he was working on me. but i was glad that someone noticed.

when i was heading back to the office after lunch, this one co-worker was standing outside talking to someone. i smiled and said hi as i walked past him, and then i heard him say "nice haircut" as he was walking away. so i turned and said "thanks!" all excited...then 2 seconds later, i realized he didn't say it to me, he was saying it to a co-worker's wife, who had just gotten a haircut at the salon next door! i felt like an idiot.

the way people constantly compliment the bitch whenever she gets a haircut, and don't say anything AT ALL when i get one - it just feels rude. i know i shouldn't care, because no one there talks to me anyway, so why should they say something about my hair? but at the same time, it's kinda like, well...does my hair look really bad? is that why no one's complimented me?

i shouldn't give a shit either way. but i just hate being around these people who never say nice things to me.

anyway...upstairs guy kept me up until 2:30 last night so i'm really tired now and i can feel my eyes drooping. have i mentioned that i hate him? posted at 7:43 PM |  

adam duritz was so adorable on letterman tonight...loved his facial expressions at the beginning of the song. i want to see shrek 2 now. ok, i wanted to see it before i heard the song, but when i did hear the song for the first time (maybe 2-3 weeks ago), i thought it would be great in the movie. and seeing them perform it on tv helped because...it's just such a happy little song. was thinking about an older cc song "anna begins" last night, but that song makes me sad. this one puts a smile on my face. which is a good thing. posted at 12:33 AM |  

been listening to upstairs guy's stupid music for over 90 minutes now. annoying, annoying, annoying. for the longest time i left my bathroom fan on so it would drown out the noise a little. and now i have my TV volume way higher than i need it to be. and i can still hear his stupid music on top of it.

anyway. i'm going to just try to ignore it somehow...for a few more minutes. i'm banging away if he doesn't turn it down after midnight though.

see, i can't even concentrate on what i really want to blog about because i have this pounding in my head from his music. everytime i sit here to try to write about something meaningful, i can't because all i can think about is how much i hate being forced to listen to his music. posted at 11:44 PM |  

i'm getting really impatient waiting to hear about this job i interviewed for...i hope they get back to me soon...i might drive myself insane if i have to wait until next week. i keep replaying parts of the interview in my head - wondering if i messed up. thinking about things i should have said but didn't. worried that i came across lacking in confidence...i wish i were a better speaker, and i wish i had that ability to at least give them the impression that i'm sure of myself, even when on the inside, i'm feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

anyway...i told someone there that i would email them my references' names and contact info sometime this week. so far i've only heard back from 2 of them. hope the third one emails me back tomorrow.

feeling sleepy now, but it sounds like there's an elephant walking around upstairs. i hope he moves out soon. why is he even here now? he's done with school. go home! go visit your parents! i'm sure they'd love to have you back for the summer. posted at 12:53 AM |  

i hate upstairs guy. i hate him, i hate him, i hate him. i know i've said it a million times already, but i'm saying it again because...i hate him! him and his stupid music. i want him out. i'm trying not to be a bitch and bang on the ceiling but all this thumping is driving me nuts. posted at 10:18 PM |  

my head still hurts. it's been hurting since yesterday. won't go away. i thought taking a long hot shower would help, but it didn't. and now i'm sitting here with wet hair that i know i really need to blow dry, but i'm too lazy...

i shouldn't have chopped off this much hair. posted at 11:10 PM |  

interview went ok i guess...hard to tell with these things.

i had 2 interviews, not 3 like flakey girl said i would. the second one went better than the first. i guess there are 2 different sub-departments of the department i am applying to - one deals with advertisiting, and the other deals with consumer products. (this isn't an educational company, if i haven't mentioned that) so the first interview i had was with an advertising person - and i know absolutely nothing about advertising or marketing. no interest in learning about it either. so that part was a bit rough at times. the second person was with consumer products, and he was just a nicer, friendlier person. didn't push me too hard, just talked to me to get a sense of how i think about design. it was much more laid back and enjoyable. he didn't make me feel like i was under pressure. the first lady did though. i froze at one point. totally blanked.

but anyway...did the best i could. i should find out if i get a third set of interviews next week.

i feel a lot less stressed now. i had a rough day on sunday - spent most of the day crying for one reason or another. and just when i thought i was done, extreme home makeover came on and the waterworks started again...

alias was good, but i'm so pissed i gotta wait 3-4 months to find out what happened!! grrr...they did this to us last year too i suppose...but last year's season finale was better, i think.

didn't bother to go to work after my interview, took the whole day off. it was nice...i got my hair cut - i have bangs now. i like them. i just wish the rest of my hair was still long.

i just have to say, i love paige's apartment. and i also liked the room that hildi did this weekend. i've been really anti-hildi lately, so this is a big step for me. the only thing i didn't like was the attempt at crackling the armoire (not really into the distressed look), but everything else was nice and more like the old hildi, before she lost her mind.

alright, i have a headache now. didn't sleep much last night. and i drove way too much today...i'm tired. i wish the south bay had bart :( posted at 6:19 PM |  

i really hate shopping sometimes. especially at this time of year, when everything seems to be some shade of pink, purple, bright blue, or lime green. mostly pink this year. i hate pink.

*sigh*

just found one nice long-sleeve, button down, collared shirt. and it cost $60. and i had to buy it just because there was NOTHING else...ANYWHERE. and honestly, i have some problems with this shirt. i get these "holes" between buttons in the chest area. i hate that. i think i want to get some double-sided tape to keep the thing closed up. or maybe i should try on a bigger size? even though it'll probably be way too big for me in other areas?

i'm worried it'll be air conditioned in there too...i feel cold as it is. i'll be freezing in this shirt because it's so thin...

as for what i'm going to be wearing with this shirt, that's another problem. formal suit, or just black pants? or black pants and a different jacket? i'm very lost when it comes to dressing myself. if you haven't already noticed. posted at 11:22 PM |  

another reason i'm annoyed with flakey girl: she emailed me all these forms that i would need to fill out - didn't tell me whether i should print them out and fill them out at home and bring them with me, or if i would get official copies there to fill out. just looked at one of the forms and it asks for 3 references. how the hell am i supposed to find these people to be references (and their phone numbers and email addresses) and ask them if i can list them as references...all by monday morning? i'm so pissed!!! why didn't she (or anyone else) tell me earlier that i would need to bring a list of references with me??? uuuuugggghh.

am i stupid? was i expected to know all this and be prepared?? hell - i didn't even know that i was getting a second interview, how was i supposed to be prepared with references?

i'm just so stressed out now. this sucks. posted at 8:06 PM |  

emailed flakey girl about the interview, and she said she scheduled me for monday morning. nice of her to let me know...what was she gonna do? call me monday at 9 AM and tell me to get my ass down there?

i'm a bit annoyed with her.

but anyway...now i need to find something to wear. i asked the girl i know who works there, and she said business casual - whatever that means.

grrr. i probably have to go shopping. and i'm so not in the mood for shopping right now.

and, oh yeah, i'm friggin terrified about this interview! i'm meeting with 3 different people, for 45 minutes each. so it'll be 3 times as bad as the phone interview i had. scary... posted at 7:20 PM |  

tired...woke up at 6 am because of cramps, and then again a little after 7. didn't make it in to work until 11. took a short lunch, but then in the afternoon we got a lecture about the boss being mad at us not working 8 hours a day when our salaries coming out of his pocket right now (the company hasn't had enough funding for the past few months). so, in short, i had to stay until 7.

we were asked to come in by 9:45 from now on. yeah, right. i'll go in whenever i please. what are they gonna do? i mean really. there are other people who work much shorter hours than i do...if my boss says anything to me personally about my hours, i'll remind him that the bitch takes 2 hour lunches and spends half the day on personal phone calls.

anyway...found out evil hr lady is moving to china. she got a job there, running some program at a university. and it's weird that she'd move out there, because i've always thought she seemed a bit too american and anti-foreigner. but whatever. i'm glad she's leaving. and she seemed unusually cheerful considering her mom just died. what's up with that?

my throat is killing me. no word on when the interview will be yet. i requested monday, but that flakey girl hasn't gotten back to me yet. kinda wonder if she forgot...maybe i should remind her tomorrow. posted at 7:17 PM |  

ever look in the mirror and not recognize yourself? that's how i feel right now. it's my eyes. i can't really explain it. i'm just very tired and sad and...i don't know. stupid period starting gets me so emotional sometimes. i feel like a basket case.

it's nothing serious, i know i'll probably be fine tomorrow. or even in a hour or two. but...it's just hard. i hate feeling like this... posted at 11:07 PM |  

tired...had a hard time falling asleep last night again. i think it's my mattress, or maybe my pillow. i don't know. i just feel so uncomfortable lying there sometimes.

*sigh*

think i'll go lie down for a while. posted at 6:58 PM |  

good news!!! i got a second interview!!! whoo-hoo!!!

i was totally shocked when i got the email today. believe me, i thought i blew the first interview BIG TIME. so this was a totally unexpected surprise...especially considering how long they took to get back to me. maybe i was sort of borderline and they were debating whether or not to give me a second one? oh well, however it happened, i'm happy. a bit terrified and nervous about this second interview, especially if it'll be anything like the first one. but...i'm hopeful. encouraged, really. i needed this. posted at 6:39 PM |  

i had more to write about, but that last entry sort of drained me. briefly:

-- i hardly slept last night. i need to try to sleep less over the weekends, just so i can sleep on sunday nights. started to fall asleep at work a couple times this afternoon. usually that doesn't start happening until thursday.

-- while i was tossing and turning last night, i was, of course, thinking about sean. i miss him sometimes. miss being able to email him or talk to him about things on a daily basis. and it hurts like hell knowing that he probably does not miss me.

-- wanted to rant about hildi and doug's black/white trading spaces episode, but i'll have to do it some other time.

-- so sick of everyone complimenting the bitch on her new hair cut. since last week, my boss keeps telling her how beautiful and attractive she looks. as though she needs anyone to boost her already-huge ego. thing is, it looks terrible on her. makes her look a good 7-8 years older. i wish i could tell her that.

-- evil hr lady's mom died, so we had to sign a card for her. is it totally wrong that i don't feel the least bit sympathetic? i'm honestly not going to say a word to her when she comes in. if that makes me a cold bitch, so be it. if there's one thing i can't stand, it's fake BS sympathy.

i think there's more, but that's all i can think of right now. time for bed... posted at 12:36 AM |  

lots of stuff on my mind, but i just don't know where to start...

still lots of drama with the relatives in new york. they're scared that that one aunt of mine is going to get married without telling anyone, possibly this week or next week. she hasn't said anything to me though. i'd assume she would tell me if she were planning on doing that. it's like she just wants to do it to make a point now. because she's sick of the way everyone's treating her. it's all just so crazy, i don't even know how it all started...

mostly i'm worried about my grandma, because she's crying all the time and everyone's yelling, etc. i know she's struggling and feeling a lot of anxiety over the situation, so i'm really terrified that she's going to get another heart attack being stuck in the middle of this mess.

i don't know what to do about it, i don't know what i can possibly say to anyone...

i don't think the guy's manipulating her, and i don't think he's a *bad* person necessarily. i don't think he's after her money. i don't think he's going to dump her on the street in a couple years. but, i do think there's a lot of fishy stuff going on with him. and she's too blinded to see any of it. and the more people try to warn her, the more she wants to rebel and show everyone that she can do whatever she damn well pleases. she wants out, i get it. but...that's not a good reason to go and marry someone like this...someone so unstable, with a not-so-good history.

and on the other hand...i think my relatives are blowing everything out of proportion and just not handling things the right way. causing a lot of anger and drama instead of being supportive and trying to get her to see in a calm and rational way, that this is a mistake.

i'm just so frustrated with the whole thing. however it turns out, there's going to be a lot of shit to deal for a long time to come. posted at 11:06 PM |  

i didn't do anything at work today...not one single thing. i tried to do stuff, but nothing resulted from it. it was so bad...

i find that sometimes, i just have days when i can't do math. and since my job right now is essentially to do math all day, i'm pretty much good for nothing when i'm having one of those days.

i think i'm just really tired. and kinda bummed out. didn't hear back from that company i interviewed with. and i assume no news is bad news in this case.

i feel like i'm really in need of some pampering or something. i'm just dying to get my hair cut. and i want to go buy new clothes. and i want to eat something good (i've had the munchies all day, and i can't figure out what i'm craving). i guess i just want something that makes me feel good and takes my mind off if other crap for a while... posted at 7:17 PM |  

finally out! no, i wasn't working on it continuously for that long...i think in total, it took me a bit over an hour. i had to go look for hints online because i don't think there was any way i was getting out of there without them. still, i got a lot of it by myself. just piecing it all together at the end was a bit tricky... posted at 11:36 PM |  

aarrgh. i'm trying to get out of this room - it's similar to the one i linked to several months ago, but harder. posted at 7:49 PM |  

in my hurry to get out of the office, i forgot my thai leftovers as usual...why do i do this so often?? maybe it's just because i'm not hungry when i'm leaving work, and so i'm not thinking about what i'm gonna eat dinner...

oh well, i suppose it's frozen pizza for me tonight. haven't had any in a while. posted at 6:15 PM |  

blah. think i might leave work early today. everyone else left already. i'm sure my boss will walk in any minute now, and then i'll be stuck here...not that i care. actually i'll probably leave around 6 even if he does come back. so i might as well just leave now.

it just feels so early though... posted at 5:16 PM |  

alright, i don't rant about american idol very often, if at all. not a peep out of me when jennifer was booted off. but i'm pissed about la toya leaving tonight.

i sort of understand why she didn't have a strong fan base, and i didn't watch last night's show, so i don't know how she did. but jasmine's been pretty painful to listen to for a few weeks now. and i used to like her, was rooting for her in the beginning and hoping she'd do well, but...she just doesn't have a strong enough voice...missing notes here and there can really fuck up a song...

i know, i never called in to vote, so i shouldn't complain. we even went to the same high school! not that i knew her or remembered her or anything, but still...she's the hometown girl, and not enough people around here pulled for her i guess...i admit, there was a time i was getting bored of her and kind of sensed that she wouldn't last until the end. but, i think it became clear that she was the best singer there. so...it sucks that she had to leave now.

oh, but what does it matter anyway. i think in the end, she'll actually do better career-wise than whoever wins the damn thing. posted at 10:45 PM |  

i don't want to work here anymore...it's so depressing...just totally and utterly depressing...

and i'm too scared to quit too. just don't have the guts to do it. posted at 12:35 PM |  

i fucking hate upstairs guy. can't wait until he's gone. posted at 12:47 AM |  

don't feel too well...i think it's just because i'm really tired...should try to get to bed early tonight.

this is why i shouldn't go out after work. just can't take it. i don't have the energy...

anyway. it really annoys me when i'm at the movies, an older theater that does not have stadium seats, watching a foreign film with subtitles, and some idiot sits right in front of me! and it's not like there weren't any other empty seats...at least 75% of the seats in there were empty. everyone else who walked in automatically left one row in between other people, you know? but out of all the available seats, this guy sat right in front of me! they could have easily slid down just one seat to the left, and all would have been fine. but no, i had to lift myself to read the subtitles over his head.

grrr.

on top of that, i missed the stupid shuttle and ended up walking home.

on top of that my stupid tv clock wasn't set properly and so american idol didn't get taped. (i did get 24 though, so not all was lost)

alright, i want to go back to curling up inside a blanket now. think i'm getting sick. posted at 11:20 PM |  

i think upstairs guys might be moving out at the end of the month. not 100% sure, but i think that's what i overheard. hard to imagine the new people being louder, so this might be really good news if true...i don't want to jinx anything though. they've been relatively quiet after midnight-ish lately. still ridiculously loud at other times, but it's easier to ignore them at those times...and there's always a chance that the new neighbors will be worse - a crying baby perhaps. or i don't know, someone who does aerobics in the bedroom every morning at 6 am...my mind is racing with the possibilities...keeping my fingers crossed that it'll be someone quiet. but someone who doesn't mind me taking showers late at night.

anyway. i have really bad memories about the book "a wrinkle in time" and now it's on tv and slowly coming back to me...oh, the horror...

yeah, i know it's supposedly a great book, but i think i was too young when i read it (it was forced upon me in the gifted student's program), and i just didn't get it at all. posted at 8:37 PM |  

not too crazy about this new blogger interface...i still think the original one (pre-google) was better.

anyway...i'm getting really annoyed with the whole new car shopping. i honestly don't like anything that i've test-driven, for one reason or another. but i know i need a new car, and i know that i should get one soon, and i've saved up enough money to get a nice one, but...it's hard. there's just nothing out there that i like and that i feel comfortable driving. anyone have suggestions???

other than car shopping, my weekend was pretty uneventful. got a new phone - or actually, i got my mom to upgrade her plan so that she could get a new phone and give it to me. that seemed to be the cheapest solution. (i wasn't eligible for an upgrade or discounted phone myself because i have the cheapest plan...stupid how that works!)

sean called sometime on saturday, before i had gotten the new phone. i suppose the voicemail he left is better than him not calling at all. but sometimes, there's something in the tone of his voice that irritates me. he just talks differently than he used to...it's hard to explain. i feel like he talks to me more as though i were an acquaintance now, rather than a close friend. it sounds less sincere, less genuine...more how he talks to people when he first meets them, or people that he deals with for work...when he has to like shmooze and all that...i don't know. i just want to break through it and get to the real him. posted at 11:20 PM |  

blogging from work...i really, really, really want to leave, but i didn't get in until noon (the interview ran a bit longer than i expected) and my boss is here...

anyway, the interview was rough. well, before i get to that, i should say that i was totally right about that recruiter girl being flakey. she called on my cell this morning to ask what my home number was. such an idiot. i mean, can she not read the email i sent her in which i gave her my home number? because that's the same email in which i asked her to have the person call me at home, so obviously she GOT the email. luckily, i asked my mom to lend me her phone last night and i put my sim card in there, so i did get her call this morning.

but i digress.

the guy asked me some really hard questions. and i don't think i answered them too well...and there's no way i could have prepared for some of these questions...

i don't know. it just made me really doubtful of my ability to succeed in life. bummed me out a bit. i wish i were better at "thinking on my feet" or whatever. i wish i were a better speaker. i wish i had a better attention span and didn't zone out so easily.

and right now, i really wish someone would take a chance on me despite the fact that i am lacking in those areas. posted at 6:06 PM |  

arrrgh.

stupid phone.

i bought a new battery today, but when i put it in, nothing happened. went back to the guy and told him it's not working, but he was like, oh you have to charge it first. it'll work. i asked if he had a charger there that i could try out, and he looked but couldn't find one. so he told me to take it home and bring it back tomorrow if it didn't work. did he not understand that i need the phone to work NOW??

*grumble*

of course, i come home and plug it in, and it's not working. i didn't think it would. based on my experiences, most new batteries usually have a little bit of charge in them...

two possible explanations: 1) he got me the wrong battery. although the sticker on the battery says that it is for my motorola phone, the actual battery looks different from mine, and it doesn't appear to be a motorola battery because it doesn't have the M logo on the back. kinda sketchy. the guy himself was kinda sketchy. the main reason i went to him in the first place was because he's the guy that always randomly told me to smile when he saw me walking by. (and he did it again today when i went in...i actually think that he thinks that he sold me the phone, but he didn't.) anyway. i kinda think he ripped me off. but moving on. explantion #2: something else is wrong with my phone. what? i don't know.

i emailed the person who was setting up the interview for me and told her to make sure that the guy had my home phone number because my cell was broken. so hopefully she (or the guy interviewing me) won't totally flake out. based on my experiences with these people, they have seemed kinda flakey. i understand they're really busy and probably have a lot of applicants, but still. they never contact me when they say they will, i had to keep reminding them about the interview, etc. it makes me a little uneasy...as if i'm not stressed enough about this interview... posted at 7:11 PM |  

tried to prep for the interview a little, but i didn't really get much done. i wanted to go to bed early tonight too...feeling tired. i've been going to bed late all week...

going to psycho chiropractor tomorrow morning. i think he actually makes me even more tense than i already am. posted at 1:10 AM |  

i'm guessing the battery is dead. as in completely dead, not chargeable. which is just great fucking timing. i'm glad i set up the interview for friday instead of tomorrow. actually, it's not even confirmed yet. the person is supposed to get back to me after she finds out what time the person interviewing me is free...great, huh?

guess i'll go buy a new battery before work tomorrow. but i'm not happy about it.

one would think that'd i'd get a warning of some sort...i mean, how can it just die when i'm in the middle of a call? it didn't show any signs of getting weaker or anything...grrr... posted at 7:46 PM |  

my cell phone just stopped working for no good reason. i hate it when it does that. not that anyone is going to call me...

this happened before a couple times, but i just jiggled the sim card a bit and that seemed to do the trick. nothing's happening this time though. just charged the battery last night, so i know that's not the problem either...

i'm confused. and this is a bad time to not have a cell phone, seeing as how that's the number i put on my resume. posted at 6:48 PM |  

still no word on when the interview will be...and yes, i emailed to make sure they haven't forgotten about me. the person who originally contacted me said that someone else would arrange it, and he cc-ed her as well. but i haven't heard back from her yet...i should start to prepare anyway. i keep thinking "i'll do it tomorrow", and of course, i never do...

anyway. i spoke to sean for a couple minutes today. well, i emailed him maybe a couple weeks ago, no reply. left him a voicemail last week, no reply. emailed again yesterday, no reply. and believe me, it was hard. i really had to just force myself to do it each time. why did i want to contact him? i don't really know...just felt like i should...it's hard to explain...but i called again today, expecting his voicemail, and he actually answered this time. put me on hold almost right away, and i heard all these people in the background...heard him talking to some girl, heard her laugh...i waited for a while, but i could hear him in the background talking and talking and talking, so finally i just hung up. didn't know how long he was going to take. he called back a minute or two later and told me that he was at a fundraiser and had stuff to do. he said he'd talk to me tomorrow or the day after. which really means nothing...odds are he won't call back at all.

he's in a world of his own. i really think he has no clue how long it's been since we last spoke. and i doubt it even matters to him. but it does matter to me, whether i want it to or not. and it will hurt if he doesn't call me back, even though by this point, i should expect him not to call.

so all this leads back to the question, why did i bother? i thought i'd feel better if i spoke to him, but instead...i might have set myself up again. posted at 11:29 PM |  

don't feel like going to sleep yet...even though i hardly slept last night...

my friend's party was ok. i didn't get to talk to her much, because there were well over 50 people there...and i didn't really feel like mingling with most of them. but then this one girl showed up that i do like, so that was cool. i just spent the rest of the night giggling with her. she's just one of the funniest and sweetest people i've ever met. too bad she lives all the way in antioch. and talk about being controlled by your family - her dad just now gave her permission to cut her hair short. the girl's in her mid-20's!!! good lord. and she looks so cute with short hair! anyway, i just like her attitude...even with those super-conservative indian parents, she's so positive and cheerful. i need to be around more people like that... posted at 1:11 AM |  

i've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with all this crap going on with my relatives...everyone keeps telling me to talk to my aunt and convince her to dump this guy, and believe me, i think she should dump this guy. but then when i talk to her, she's so upset about things and i kinda understand her point of view to some extent...mostly, i feel sorry for her because she's an adult and should be allowed to make her own decisions, yet she feels like she can't because the whole family is putting all this pressure on her...it's all just very complicated...everyone's stressed out and crying all the time...there's just a lot of shit going on amongst various family members...and all that just makes the situation 10 times worse...i have different people calling me and telling me things, and i honestly have no idea how i became the center of this mess, but that's where i find myself - having to explain everyone's side of the issue to everyone else, like i'm some mediator or something. and when i do that, they end up rebutting me! and i'm like, look, i agree with you, i'm just trying to explain to you what she told me...(and yes, i tell everyone that i agree with them, although honestly, i think all of them are wrong.)

it's getting so hard and i just don't know what to say to anyone anymore!!! they're all nuts. and none of them are ever finding out when i'm dating someone, i decided that this weekend.

i just find it so hard to believe that there is so much drama over a guy spending the night in her living room. geez, get over it already. they'd absolutely freak if they knew how many times i have slept in the same bed as sean...i always thought that things would ease up when i got older. i mean, i've always kept quiet about guys and stuff, but i assumed that at some point, i'd be able to let them know a little at least. but if my aunt is over 50, and they're still treating her like she's 15, then...i don't know...i really don't know... posted at 12:26 AM |