does bush know what the word "proliferation" means? i think i just heard him say he was in favor of "nukular proliferation" - maybe i heard wrong, i'm tired. i'll watch the debate again later tonight. only caught a few minutes of it.

anyway, some good news - that job i applied to last saturday? they called me today. it actually turned into a mini phone interview, which i was not prepared for. i had to go outside the office of course. but i guess it went ok because they want to schedule an interview with me next week. i was told to go to a toy store and play with their product (it's a video game type thing) in order to prepare...not quite sure where the nearest toy store is...it's been a while since i've been to one! i know a game store, but i don't think they'll carry this...probably need to find a toys r us - are they still in business? thought i heard they're closing down...i better ask someone who has kids.
posted at 7:20 PM |  

cute little game here. furthest i've gotten so far is 78 meters.
posted at 1:17 AM |  

it's only wednesday??? :(

i'm so tired. i thought it was thursday...

when i got into work this morning, the bitch was blabbering on about something, being totally loud and obnoxious. i whispered to myself "god damn!" while i grabbed my headphones, except i think it came out a lot louder than i intended and other people heard me...but who cares...

i just want this fucking project to be over already!!! i'm so sick of it.
posted at 7:10 PM |  

sean called a little while ago...i have no idea what to make of that. we spoke for a whopping 7 minutes. and by that i mean, it was the longest phone conversation i have had with him in at least 6 months. actually, it's probably the only phone conversation i have had with him in the past 6 months. and whenever the last phone call was, i'm sure it lasted less than 7 minutes. so there you go.

anyway, there seemed to be no real reason for the call. this part of me wanted to ask "WHY are you calling?"...but, i didn't. i mean, things are awkward enough the way they are...there's me not knowing what to say to him, or whether or not i even want to talk to him, and him getting annoyed with me for not saying much or for being curt in my responses...

i do appreciate the fact that he actually called me. but i doubt i gave him that impression. whether that matters or not, i don't know. perhaps he would have stayed on the phone longer if i was being friendlier and more talkative. but what purpose would that serve? it just seems like it would be fake of me to pretend like everything's cool when it isn't.
posted at 7:45 PM |  

so frustrated with work...the manager asked me if i could get everything done by wednesday. i told him i'd try to work fast, but that there was way too much work to do. (meaning, way too much work for one person to do...i'm sure it would get done if the bitch would help out)

oh, then he said, "what about thursday? can you have it done by then?" aaaarrrrggh!!! freakin idiot! i told him again that i'd get as much done as i can. why doesn't he understand?!?!

the main problem is, i have to write quizzes for all this material in 2nd semester calculus, which i haven't done in 10 years! i don't remember how to do this crap. granted, it's not too difficult, but still...it's not like i can re-learn everything in 2 minutes and then go write up the solutions. especially if i'm re-learning it in bits in pieces, not in the correct order even...and trying to re-learn it as i am actually writing each problem...often having to solve the problem 3-4 times until i get the right answer, because i keep messing up somewhere...(and i tend to mess up more when i'm in a hurry and under pressure).

serves them right if they don't make the deadline. piss poor management, i tell you...
posted at 7:40 PM |  

didn't get as much accomplished this weekend as i had hoped...but i did a little, which is better than nothing, right?

been feeling kinda down about some things, but when i attempt to write about them, nothing comes out half the time...

and nothing's coming out now either apparently. i'll try later this week. i know i need to get some stuff out of my system...too much eating at me on the inside...
posted at 11:23 PM |  

i keep getting the hiccups today. it's driving me insane...

anyway, i promised myself i'd get a job application out today. preferably two, since i fell behind one week. starting to get to that point where i feel like giving up again, but i'm really trying to get myself to stick to this schedule.
posted at 7:32 PM |  

she left at 4:30 again today!! i'm beyond irritated...but, it's the weekend and i'm going to try to let go of all that for a couple days. it'll start up again on monday i'm sure. next week is going to be rough. i don't really see how everything's going to get done if she doesn't pitch in and help. and if she doesn't...well, not much i can do about that.
posted at 6:09 PM |  

so tired. the bitch left work at 4:30 today. 4:30!! can you believe that?!?! i want to slap her.
posted at 6:33 PM |  

i've been super-tense all day today. started about 2 minutes after i walked into the office. people keep throwing more work at me! i can't take it! i don't have the time!!!

i've had the hardest time concentrating today too because i feel so wired. when there's too much to do, it's just so hard to focus on one thing...

and on top of that, i'm so uncomfortable being on my period and having to sit here all day. i just want to lie down, desperately...
posted at 4:50 PM |  

been having a hard time with the job applications these past 2 weeks. i don't think i've been slacking off, mostly just feeling really tired...been so busy at work, it's wearing me out. there's still a lot that needs to get done, and only 1 week left to do it. plus, my boss just dumped some more stuff on me, for a proposal he's working on...

oh, and i realized today that the bitch went and changed some of my art! without asking! that pisses me off so much...she could have at least told me what she was doing. she's suck a sneaky little brat. she made all my graphs look ugly too! so if i get time, i want to fix them up, without telling her...i just fucking hate it when she goes behind my back and makes changes to work i've done - fixing typos is fine, but when she changes other things and ends up making them worse, it's not. and i find it strange that she had the time to do it considering how many more important things there are for her to do. i hate her, i hate her, i hate her!!!
posted at 1:20 AM |  

i forwarded a link to sean last night. didn't say anything else in the email. just sent the link. but i guess that is my way of getting him to write me...and i guess that's probably why i sent him the link in the first place...but whatever. i blame hormones. it's that time of the month...

anyway, he did write me this morning. he has a new job now. which he didn't bother to tell me about. there was a time i would have probably been one of the first people to know. and if i were to get a new job, i would most likely email him about it right away, even now. but i guess in his mind, i don't really exist anymore. and it's hard not to feel hurt by that.

hard to say whether or not it is even worth it to stay in touch with him at all. sometimes, i convince myself that i should just stop, cold turkey. but a month later...i start to wonder how he's doing, what's going on with him, etc...maybe it's easier to just let things die slowly, rather than cutting things off completely. i don't know. sucks either way.
posted at 7:31 PM |  

i really need to start going to bed earlier...every morning, as i hit the snooze button repeatedly, i promise myself i will, but...it rarely happes. i don't even know how the last 2 hours passed. but obviously i shouldn't be up blogging right now...i'm sure i'll be cursing at myself tomorrow morning as usual...
posted at 1:45 AM |  

i think this was one of the best seasons ever. and i'm so happy how it turned out!! yay!!! i always get annoyed when a team i dislike wins, so to see chip and kim pull it out was great. and i take back what i said before about kim not doing anything. because at least she never whined or got pissed at her partner (unlike certain other women on the other teams). oh, and she hauled ass up that mountain in the snow.

would have loved to see the moms make it to the last leg, but they made it pretty damn far considering they had no a male partner to depend on for all the hard stuff...

oh, and brandon absolutely cracked me up today with some of his comments. he could be straight out of the movie "saved!" - it's one thing to be religious, but another to talk about it in the way he does.

anyway...i guess chip and kim were a bit lucky in getting to the airport so late and finding out about the flight situation, etc. but i like to think it was colin's bad karma coming back to bite him in the ass. and brandon - he doesn't need the money, he has god!
posted at 11:03 PM |  

left work early today. that's what they get. (not that anyone cares.)

i got a lot done today, so i felt i was entitled to leave. the bitch didn't show up because she was getting blinds installed in her new condo. and as usual, the day did not come out of her vacation. whatever...
posted at 5:58 PM |  

this morning, i heard the manager telling a co-worker "anita's being persnickety." i'm sure he knows i heard him, but at the same time, he wasn't saying it in a joking manner. and obviously, he wasn't complimenting me either. anyway, i looked it up in a dictionary, and all i have to say is, i'm not being fussy about small details. i'm being fussy about large details. possibly medium-sized details. and even if they are small details, someone here has to pay attention to them, damn it!! why does it make me a bad employee? i thought employers always like to hire detail-oriented people. if it's the fussiness he's more annoyed with....well, that doesn't even deserve an argument. the bitch is *way* fussier than i am. i don't think i make a fuss at all. i just sit here with my mouth shut all day, working. how could that come across as being fussy?
posted at 3:12 PM |  

there are some stupid people working at my company...it's so annoying. this guy was trying to fix some bugs today, and in the process, he reverted everything back to the last time it was backed up. which, he said, was friday night. but it ended up being thursday night. and so basically, i had to re-do everything that i did on friday (and this morning as well). as it is, we're behind schedule, so i need every day i have. it's just messed up of him not to check when the last back-up was made...i mean, if i would have known, i could have copied everything into a separate document so that i could just copy and paste later...would have saved me a lot of trouble...

all he said was "sorry about that". grrrr.

there's more to complain about, but i'm trying not to think about it. just trying to accept the fact that some people just have no idea how to manage a company or a project or employees...and it absolutely sucks to work for people like that.
posted at 8:00 PM |  

nothing in particular to write about...just some quick comments:

- sad to see jerry rice's streak end. that said, he should have probably retired a couple years ago.

- i loved sarah jessica's dress. she's just so cute in general. whenever she gives an acceptance speech, it sounds so sweet and genuine...

- i'm glad that amazing race won an emmy. but did you see colin's shirt? hideous.

- i really, really, really wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow...
posted at 12:32 AM |  

felt better today - didn't catch a cold. i think i just needed a good night's sleep. i haven't slept well all week...i know it'll take me a while to get used to the shower noise...when i'm really tired, it's not too bad. but some nights, it can keep me up for an hour. well, it could be that something else is keeping me up, but the fact that i can hear the water just makes it a lot more irritating.

you know how some people like to keep fountains in their homes because the noise that the water makes is supposed to be soothing? well, i tried to convince myself that the sound of water coming down the pipes could also be soothing like a fountain. but, it didn't work.

anyway...i'm just having a rough week. feel like i've gained 5 pounds over the past few days. i guess when i feel down, i tend to eat unhealthy stuff. but until recently, it was just a little chocolate or something sweet here and there. it's gotten much worse now. mostly, i notice it when things are really bad at work - i start craving really heavy, filling food, even when i'm not hungry. usually during summer, i always wanted sandwiches or salads. light stuff. but now, i feel like i want comfort food. especially if something upsets me at work before lunch time. i hope it's just a phase...
posted at 1:28 AM |  

feel like i'm getting sick. probably caught my boss's cold. and the stress at work probably isn't helping matters.

i think my problem is that i am too concerned about the poor students who are going to be using our stuff. no one else in the office seems to care. they just want to say, "it's done, give us the money."

i don't even have the energy to go into detail. i just feel sorry for the students, that's all...so, i want to do the best i can for their sake. whatever i can manage to squeeze in before the deadline, i will...it's just the way i am.
posted at 11:10 PM |  

feel like i'm getting sick. probably caught my boss's cold. and the stress at work probably isn't helping matters.

i think my problem is that i am too concerned about the poor students who are going to be using our stuff. no one else in the office seems to care. they just want to say, "it's done, give us the money."

i don't even have the energy to go into detail. i just feel sorry for the students, that's all...so, i want to do the best i can for their sake. whatever i can manage to squeeze in before the deadline, i will...it's just the way i am.
posted at 11:10 PM |  

feel like i'm getting sick. probably caught my boss's cold. and the stress at work probably isn't helping matters.

i think my problem is that i am too concerned about the poor students who are going to be using our stuff. no one else in the office seems to care. they just want to say, "it's done, give us the money."

i don't even have the energy to go into detail. i just feel sorry for the students...so i want to do the best i can for their sake. whatever i can manage to squeeze in before the deadline, i will...it's just the way i am.
posted at 11:10 PM |  

i'm getting more irritated than usual at work lately...i think it's because of this deadline...feeling pressure from people to get shit done. i don't like it when people try to micromanage me. i know what needs to get done, and i'll do it in the order that works for me. i've never not made a deadline, so i don't know why everyone has their panties in a bunch over this one...

aside from that, it pisses me off that no one's helping. the bitch keeps working a lot less hours than me, and if she doesn't have stuff to do, she should pitch in with some of the stuff on my plate. but she doesn't, because it's "too boring" or because she has a "headache" or because she's too busy spending half the day on personal phone calls.

another example: our graphic designer just sits around and surfs the web all day. and what am i doing? making really bad art! because, hello? i'm not the professional. why isn't he making all the art?


posted at 8:20 PM |  

WARNING: i need to vent about this week's amazing race. if you haven't seen in yet, then you probably don't want to read any further.






so first of all, AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!! that's for this being a non-elimination leg - i wanted evil colin and christie gone, damnit!!

i'm glad they were slowed down, however...chip shouldn't have used the yield. he knew that the curly-haired guy was going to yield colin/christie too, and both him and chip got to the yield at the same time, so chip should have let him do it instead. that way, chip would still have the ability to use his at a future date. (assuming there are more yields left in the race. if not, then nevermind.) also, since colin/christie know that chip and kim yielded them, they'll be out for revenge now. and you know they won't hesitate to yield chip and kim in return if they get the chance...

anyway...i was rooting for chip and kim most of the season, but i'm really impressed by the moms now and would love to see them win. still like chip and kim, but...well, kim seems to not do anything, so i'm turned off by that. but i still prefer chip and kim over the other two couples.
posted at 11:06 PM |  

sounds like my mom is totally fine. she didn't do the stress test today, but she's going to make an appointment for one soon, just to be on the safe side.

i need to get a check-up myself...keep forgetting to make an appointment with my doctor. too much crap to do at work. big deadline coming up...and, i don't know, i kinda feel like these doctors don't really do much, you know? it's like they want to get you out of there as soon as possible. someone checks your blood pressure, and the doc might listen to your heart or whatever, but basically, 5 minutes and they're shoving you out. it irritates me. i have like, a billion things that are bothering me, and i don't know which ones are serious enough to bring up during the 5 minutes. as it is, they think i'm crazy when i tell them i want a check-up. like, people should only go in when they're sick?

anyway...it is time for a blood test though, so i might as well make an appointment while i'm there...whether or not anything actually comes out of it...
posted at 8:30 PM |  

no cal game this week due to ivan : (

i'll have to wait almost 3 weeks until the next game!!! i might just go into cal football withdrawl...
posted at 11:39 PM |  

my mom's spending the night at the hospital...she says everything's fine, but it's hard to tell with her. i mean, i don't think she'd tell me the truth if things weren't fine, you know?

we were supposed to go out to dinner last night because it was her birthday, but she was complaining a little about some chest pain, so i told her she should just stay in and eat something light, and we'd go eat out some other time. she kept saying she was fine and she could eat out, but i didn't want to take any chances. anyway, apparently she had more pain this morning, so she went to the hospital to get checked out. she said her blood pressure and everything was fine...they just want her to spend the night there and if necessary, take a stress test in the morning. so...i hope there isn't anything more to the story. heart problems are pretty common in our family, so i do get a little worried about things like this...and i know her cholesterol's kinda high...and i know she doesn't exercise much at all...so...i hope this serves as a little wake up call for her.
posted at 6:55 PM |  

cal actually moved up to #10. isn't that insane?!?! (well, probably not to most of you, but it is to me)

the part that sucks is not being able to rub it in sean's face. that would have been so much fun. it's not that i can't, but since we're just not talking much at all, we don't have our little football sparring anymore. i miss it.

anyway...my legs are really sore. not sure why. the left side of my nose really hurts too. again, not sure why.

other than that, just a bit bummed about having to go back to work tomorrow. *sigh*...
posted at 12:45 AM |  

now that it's been 3 years, i feel like this day isn't as sad as it used to be. not that people have forgotten about the attacks, but it seems like there's been enough time to heal now, to move on...
posted at 11:51 PM |  

ran in to my boss before the game. he said something along the lines of "cal is going to whoop some ass today..." - and sure enough, we did. i think i'm actually starting to get used to this thing called "winning". it's nice. granted, we haven't really been tested yet this season. but i'm feeling pretty damn confident. and i'm starting to smell the roses...

oh, and i finally saw adam duritz. natalie coughlin was there too (she got a standing o). so, it was a star-studded event...and 59,000 people showed up! which is amazing for us, especially for the first game...very cool. i was thrilled just to see that many people supporting cal...things are definitely changing around here...
posted at 7:10 PM |  

haven't been feeling sleepy at night lately. i know i should go to bed, but...just sitting here.

the first home game is tomorrow. don't think it's quite hit me yet. cal's ranked? #12? am i dreaming?

totally unrelated - people in my building really like taking late showers. all week, i've noticed someone taking a shower at 2 AM. not the girls upstairs (they usually take them between midnight and 1), but another apartment. can't tell which one. the noise is kind of annoying. not as annoying as the guys who used to live upstairs. not as annoying as hearing video game noises until 3 or 4 AM. i'm sure i'll get used to the shower noise and sleep through it soon enough. but the point i'm making is, people seem to be so...inconsiderate. i honestly don't think i could even get myself to take a shower that late, even if i really wanted to. not in an apartment like this. i don't think i've ever taken a shower later than 11 at night when living in an apartment. i'm always concerned about bothering other people. but lots of people aren't, i guess...

i don't mean to sound harsh - if it was just once in a while, that's totally understandable. but every night? and they're not quick 10-15 minute showers either. they're quite long.

oh well. i don't know why i spend so much energy writing about this topic. maybe i'll just try to convince myself that there's a good reason for the late showers and it's not just someone being inconsiderate...
posted at 2:14 AM |  

didn't apply for any jobs last week, so i applied for 2 this week. one of them sounds great, however...i'm not even sure that the opening exists. i found it listed on the company's website, which looks like it hasn't been updated in at least a year...oh well, no harm in trying. i know i applied to this company a couple years ago too...it's like i'm running out of places to apply, so i'm going back down the list. now that i think about it, i'm pretty sure there are some companies that i've applied to 3 times.

anyway...there are also some jobs that i've been passing on that i would have applied to in the past. mostly jobs in other cities. saw a really interesting job in new york, but...i just don't feel like i'd want to live there anymore. and in general, i just don't feel like leaving the bay area anymore. which is weird, because i've always been open and ready to moving down south or out of the state for a while - wanted change, a new environment, etc. but now, i feel old and i just want to stay put in the bay area. don't know if it's a phase or what. somehow jobs in other cities - even cities that i like - just don't appeal to me as much as they used to.

but then of course, there are times i hate my job so much that i feel like i should apply anywhere and everywhere...

so...i don't know. i'm just going to stick to the one-a-week plan, and apply for jobs out of state only during weeks when i can't find anything in the bay area.
posted at 12:16 AM |  

jeez, now the other half of my family is bugging me too...i hate all this stupid drama!! i need a break. a vacation. out of the country preferably. but not to india.

and why is it still so hot here? enough already. bring back the fog!!!
posted at 6:53 PM |  

blah. guess i did really bad on that test. got rejected again...

i knew i did bad on it, so i shouldn't be disappointed...i guess i was just hoping for some sort of miracle...

the thing that pisses me off is that most of the stuff on the test was easily learn-able...i'm sure i could have picked it up quickly. oh well. don't want to dwell on it...
posted at 1:03 PM |  

so i waited practically all day on saturday, and no one called me. one of my aunts then left a message for me at around 7 in the evening saying that they probably weren't going to get together that day, but that i should go to my other aunt's house for lunch on sunday. sunday came around, and i said screw that. i had absolutely no desire to go to fremont (where it was probably about 100 degrees) and sit in a house with no A/C. plus, i was so annoyed about saturday! i've avoided talking to any relatives all weekend because i know they're going to complain about me not showing up on sunday, and i just don't want to hear any of it. so sick of it....

lately, there have been a lot of little comments made towards me, and i just can't stand it anymore. it really hurts sometimes, and it's just...unnecessary. all the little remarks they make. it's hard to explain, and i'm sure that no one else notices, but it just pisses me off a lot. and something in my aunt's message just got to me. so that's another reason i didn't go.

yeah, i'm sorry i didn't get to spend more time with my cousin and his kids...but...oh well.

instead, to cool off, i went shopping. ahhh...the mall, one of the few places with air conditioning....bought way too much. half of it will probably go back. i just couldn't decide at the time...
posted at 7:58 PM |  

cal kicked butt today. go bears!

other than that...i've just been waiting for some relatives to call. we were all supposed to meet up today because a cousin is visiting for the weekend...but i don't know where anyone is. and i don't know how long i'm expected to sit around and wait. not that i'd be out doing something right now anyway, because it's WAY to hot outside. but...i just hate not knowing what's going on and what the plans are, etc. always feel like i'm out of the loop.
posted at 3:34 PM |  

i'm in a bad mood again. i think i'm just tired...and upset about this whole football ticket fiasco, which i don't even feel like going into...

on the bright side, kickoff for the first game is in...oh, about 9 hours. i gotta be up bright and early to catch the game on tv. trust me, nothing will get me out of bed faster than a cal football game.
posted at 1:15 AM |  

just got back from my interview. actually, it was supposed to be a 1-hour test, followed by a 30 minute interview. but...it turned into a 1 and a half hour test (i'm slow, ok?), and a 5 minute interview. which wasn't really an interview, more just the person telling me a little about the company and the job. she said they would grade the test and then call me back for another interview if i scored high enough. which...i doubt i did, because i totally BS-ed most of the answers. some of them, i could have figured out if i was at a computer. but off the top of my head, i didn't know...

ooh, i just realized that one of the questions i guessed on was correct! whoo-hoo, i got 1 point at least! and i almost didn't even bother to make a guess for that question.

the test was a combination of windows questions, hypothetical situations that a manager would need to figure out how to handle, technical QA stuff, and "find all the errors on this screenshot" (i think that's the only one i did well on).

the job itself sounds pretty good...i'd get to learn a lot of things at least, get exposed to different possible career paths, be able to see what i like best. a good place to start out. i just wish i had a real interview, so that i could talk to them more about my experience and skills, and hopefully make up for my short-comings on the test...*sigh*...oh well, whatever happens...i did the best i could.

side note: i can't believe it freakin took me 20+ minutes to drive 3 miles in berkeley. glad i left a bit early.
posted at 3:00 PM |  

feeling better today. had a nice long lunch with milly...picked up my football tickets (yay!)...and left work really, really early (the boss didn't show up).

the guy at the ticket office probably thought i was an idiot. granted, i was being a bit stupid. i was just...confused...exchanged my "free ticket" coupons for some crappy seats. which, as it turns out, i may be forced to sit in. long story. but the point is, i should have tried to find some better seats rather than just taking those ones. the guy working there just seemed to be getting impatient with me and so...i wasn't thinking clearly...it's too hot to think, damnit! and besides, i didn't know at the time that i would end up sitting in those seats!!

anyway, i just get very annoyed with myself when i am stupid about things.
posted at 5:50 PM |  

blah.

feeling really down today. don't know why. tired, frustrated, annoyed, nervous (about the interview), upset (at various family members)...just in a bad mood overall.

i had been fairly productive for the past few days, and i was really happy about that. i feel good when i get stuff done, you know? but today...nothing. i'm worn out. came home from work and went to bed. fell asleep almost immediately. had to really force myself to get up, cook dinner, etc.

anyway...i hope this will pass soon, whatever it is.
posted at 11:02 PM |