i'm kinda hating my haircut now. i think i may need to give in and buy a hair straightener. i'm screwed if it rains.

i know i just need to give it a couple weeks, and it'll be fine...but right now, i look at it and i want to cry.

whatever happened to the days of feeling really good after a haircut?
posted at 2:54 PM |  

i hate it when my parents or other relatives talk about me to other people and basically tell the world that i'm a loser. i mean, as if i don't feel bad enough as it is, to hear other people saying it just hurts...i don't know what they expect from me. i'm doing the best i can given the circumstances. would it kill them to lie and say i'm fine instead of making it sound like i'm a lost cause?
posted at 12:18 PM |  

managed to get to the game at a decent time. only missed about 40 seconds. but of course, cal scored a td within those first 40 seconds, so i missed that. missed the highlights on the news as well. but that's ok. i'm more relaxed now. winning will do that. back to back shut-outs! very nice...
posted at 12:40 AM |  

grrr....i hate it when people make me late for football games. i just want to be there by kickoff...why is that so hard?!?!

if she had a good reason, fine. but she doesn't. kickoff is in 9 minutes, and she's still at her boyfriend's place. so yeah, i'm annoyed...
posted at 6:49 PM |  

didn't do much today...slept in, got a much-needed haircut, went to a movie...just a relaxing day. which was nice. i needed it.

my hair's a lot shorter than i anticipated it being. but it looks alright i guess. always takes me a while to get used to it...
posted at 11:41 PM |  

took a half-day today, and the day off tomorrow. wasting my vacation, i know. but i just couldn't sit there and do nothing all day...
posted at 3:59 PM |  

been feeling really out of it lately - unable to focus...probably just burnt out from work. yesterday i thought i found some mistakes in a few problems, so i changed them. but then today the bitch pointed out that they were correct and i made them wrong. and i just hate it when she gets to point out that i made a mistake! but i really shouldn't have made the mistake in the first place. i was just feeling so stressed, feeling that i had to get everything done in a hurry...so i didn't stop to think. i just saw something that looked wrong and changed it.

and today...it took me forever to get through this one homework set that i should have finished a long time ago. i just couldn't figure out some of the problems. couldn't concentrate at all...it just started to look like gibberish after some point.

i'm actually feeling a bit relieved that we're going back to easier pre-algebra stuff. calculus started to require too much thinking. i used to love it once upon a time, but now...at work...i just want to crank stuff out quickly. easy stuff.

anyway, aside from work, i haven't applied for any jobs in a long time. because i get home and feel like my head is tired of thinking. it's pretty sad. hopefully things will get better soon, now that this project is over...
posted at 12:31 AM |  

the project's finally done. we never finished proof-reading everything, but today my manager just said "fuck it. who cares?" (yes, those were his exact words), so...that was that. i have no idea what i'm supposed to do from now on. i'm guessing they want me to take my vacation now. but it just pisses me off that i should waste my vacation when it's convenient for them, rather than say, planning a trip somewhere. so, even though i'm dying for a break, i kinda want to not take it now, just to spite them. also, the bitch is taking her vacation now, and she won't be in the office until tuesday...so why waste my vacation on days when i won't have to deal with her? i'd much rather take time off when she's actually in the office.

but, on the other hand, i'm damn tired. so...i'll see.
posted at 7:40 PM |  

aaarrrgh. bad way to start the week.

i was the last to leave the office so i had to lock up again. before setting the alarm, i wanted to check whether or not the top lock needed to be locked (since that's what i was confused about last time). so i tested it out, determined that i did not have to lock it, and then, tried to pull my key out and realized that it was stuck. very stuck. i tried jiggling it for several minutes, tried pulling on it, tried whatever i could...but the damn thing would not budge.

at this point, i was near tears. i mean, i couldn't leave the key stuck in the door, i couldn't lock the bottom lock because it needs the same key that was stuck, our neighbors were all gone, and i really didn't want to call any of the office people...so...i called my dad. dad to the rescue! it's nice having a dad nearby...it really is. he came over and pulled really hard and got the key out. so that was a relief...

anyway, everything's cool. i turned on the alarm and locked up. no harm done. no broken key. no one in the office will ever have to know...just small blister on my right index finger from pulling on the key so hard. i wish i had stronger muscles sometimes...
posted at 7:08 PM |  

been feeling too poopy lately. i need a vacation. everytime i feel like taking a couple days off, i haven't been able to because there's too much work to do...i hope they'll let me take a few days off next week. i thought our deadline was the 15th and that we wouldn't have to do anything after that, but i guess it was extended or something...who knows...i don't get told anything about anything...

and yeah, i really shouldn't be complaining considering the fact that it's been weeks since i have applied for a job. need to get back on my schedule. nothing's gonna ever happen if i don't start cranking out the resumes again. it's just hard when i'm so discouraged and worn out...
posted at 1:29 AM |  

i think the world series is going to be really anticlimactic this season.

i'm just glad the yankees aren't in it.
posted at 10:42 PM |  

my boss is out of town, and pretty much everyone else called in sick today (whether or not they actually are sick) so i had to lock up the office tonight. first time i've had to do it. i think i screwed up. not sure if i locked one of the locks. probably didn't. i was freaking out because the alarm kept beeping and i didn't know if that was normal or not...

so on top of the bitch complaing about me forgetting to close the blinds (it's only happened a few times!), now people are going to complain about me not locking up properly too.

oh, and today my manager told me to stop trying to make everything so perfect. so that's great. why is it that the bitch can spend hours upon hours changing the size of freaking parentheses, and somehow that is considered to be a good use of time, but when i change the wording of sentences that make no sense at all, it's because i'm too picky? seriously...students will not look at our stuff and say "those parentheses are too small". but they will say "i don't understand what is going on here." - which is more important?!?!

i fucking hate working here. it makes me want to cry. i'm so much more on top of things than my manager is, and i know which sets needs major work and which ones are relatively ok, but they just don't trust me at all! they think i'm wasting time...anyone else would appreciate what i am doing, but here i just get treated like crap.
posted at 6:29 PM |  

at homecoming, we took these class pictures. and they said they'd put them online and we could order them or whatever. so i go on the site to check it out, and you know what? that fucking "photographer" cut me out!!! he took 4 pictures of us, and i'm only in one of them!! what the fuck?!?!

i looked at all the other class pictures, and no one was cut out of any of them...so why me??? he couldn't have rearranged us? zoomed out? mentioned to me that i'm not in the frame and that i should go stand somewhere else?

no, i wasn't actually planning on buying the pic. but still. it's fucked up, don't you think? i mean, other people were cropped a bit, but...but...look at me! this is all there is of me:

posted at 11:10 PM |  

i'm not a violent person. at all. and yet sometimes...i just want to punch her.

i'll be sitting there doing my work, and all of a sudden she'll say something, and i'll just snap. i didn't say anything today, didn't start to argue with her...just let the steam make its way out of my ears...i didn't really have anything to say anyway. i just wanted to inflict bodily harm on her.

i've never had to put up with someone i absolutely hate for this long...i think it's unhealthy. how do people do it??? i think i'm going to have a breakdown at work one day...
posted at 7:59 PM |  

bought some jeans, but i can't decide whether or not i want to keep them. they fit, and they're comfortable, and normally, i get so excited by that, that i just buy them regardless of whether or not they actually look good on me. the result being, i have way too many jeans that i don't wear. so i'm trying to figure out whether or not i will actually wear these jeans. i don't know why it's so hard for me...

i think i feel weird in this pair because it's a little slimmer in the leg than i'm used to...i just can't tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing...it's so hard for me to look at myself in the same way that i can look at other people and determine whether their clothes look good on them...why is that??? does anyone else have this problem??
posted at 6:29 PM |  

tired. it's been a long day. we won, and it was a good game, but i'm just not as excited as i normally would be. think i'm just irritated with this one friend of mine. she specifically told me that she was coming to the barbeque, and that's the only reason i bought a ticket for it myself...but, she just didn't show up! she didn't even get to the game in time for kickoff. it was just lame. i mean, i wasted $20 on that stupid barbeque because of her! and then i had to stand there alone like an idiot. eventually, i found the '99 table. all 3 of the people in our class who came. they were nice, but spending $20 just to meet them and eat some bad, cold food outside in the cold weather...it irritated me. i was really disappointed...

afterwards, i met up with my cousin (a ucla alum) at the game...and he being his hot-headed self, had a couple incidents with some cal fans sitting around us. so that pissed me off. i do think he was unnecessarily provoked, but at the same time, he should have controlled himself better. i was really upset at his very immature handling of the situation. and i just hate being involved in drama like that. in retrospect, maybe it was a bad idea to go with him. i don't know...just a frustrating and tiring day. and did i mention it was freezing? i actually felt like my butt would start to shiver whenever i was standing.

but we won! yay!
posted at 10:24 PM |  

my 5th college reunion is tomorrow. hard to believe it's been 5 years. going to the homecoming barbeque with some friends tomorrow before the game...hope it's fun and not full of old people. though old people can be fun too, seeing them decked out in cal gear from head to toe...they might not scream much at the games, but they sure as hell dress for it.

the game's gonna be crazy tomorrow. 70,000 tickets sold so far. which is very impressive for us. i'm not sure i've ever seen more than 65,000 in that stadium. hmm...this might make it a bit hard for me to not sit in my assigned seats...
posted at 11:12 PM |  

had planned on taking monday off from work, but the bastards won't let me.

it's so stupid!!! : (

you know what else is stupid? we split this last project with another group in LA - my boss and manager hate them, hated working with them, hated the whole idea of splitting up a course with them. and now, what are they talking about? splittling another course with them! talk about being desperate for money...i kinda hope it doesn't work out and they have to lay me off instead.
posted at 6:42 PM |  

after the bitch left today, i looked to see what changes she made yesterday. and of course, i was pissed. talk about unnecessary...she was not fixing mistakes at all, she was just changing things for no reason what so ever, just because she's a control freak and needs everything to be done "her way" whether or not her way is any better than any other way. and in the process of making those changes, she made things worse! because she made mistakes when she was doing that! in other words, everything that she's been "proofreading" will need to be proofread again...don't think the manager knows that. do i care enough to tell him? probably not.

anyway, this gives me the go ahead to make massive changes to some of her problems now. forget that part about only fixing obvious mistakes. if she can do whatever she wants to my problems, then i'm going to do whatever the hell i want to her problems. so there, bitch!

her problems need a lot of work though...i wasn't able to concentrate hard enough to find all the mistakes today. actually had to take a break from it and do something else instead. that's how bad it is. painful, really. makes me cringe...
posted at 7:07 PM |  

forget the debate, is anyone else hooked on "lost"? i wasn't sure after the first episode, just because i'm not really into stories that revolve around people being scared of monsters/strange animals. but the show's turned out to be a lot more than that, and i officially like it now.

anyway...at work this morning i was fixing up one of the bitch's homework sets (believe me, it needed major fixing). and i was seriously getting a headache over how terrible it was - not just little typos, but rather large and obvious mistakes. as though she wasn't even reading them as she was entering them in (which wouldn't surprise me because she has the attention span of a 5 year old and was probably on the phone with someone while she was writing the problems). so anyway, i'm sitting there fixing all this, not saying a word. and meanwhile, she's proofreading some other set (not sure if she was looking at problems i wrote or that one of the other people wrote), and proclaimed "i have serious issues with these homework problems!" for the whole office to hear. i don't know what her "issues" were, but having already gone through the problems she was complaining about, i know for a fact they can't be half as bad as the problems she's written.

i don't know what changes she made, and i'm damn curious, but...trying to not think about it. the main thing that pisses me off is her attitude - she thinks that she's so superior to everyone. now, maybe i think that i'm superior to everyone too...but i don't go around making comments out loud in order to make sure everyone else knows how superior i am. that's the difference between me and her. plus, i can back it up; she can't.
posted at 9:31 PM |  

our best wide receiver is out for the season...so depressing...not that our offense is built around one person, but it definitely helped having him out there on the field. and...i just feel bad for him. he's been hurt for most of his college career. and this was his last year of eligibility, so...it's just sad that it ended like this. he was playing with an extra spark this year too...tough to lose him.

other than that...things suck at work. i need to find some way to "let go" of all this work-related crap that builds up inside of me. i'm finding it hard for me to say to myself "this is good enough, i'm not going to fix it." if i see something that isn't right, i feel this intense desire to fix it. i just can't let it pass...

basically, we are proof-reading everything now. and technically, i'm only supposed to be fixing typos and mistakes (mathematical errors, wrong answer accidentally marked correct, etc.). but, i can't just leave it at that. i fix sentences that i don't like. i fix the layouts, line spacing, and sometimes rewrite the entire thing! i am dying to fix some art, but i know there's no time for that. and today, i was proofreading this one homework set that the bitch wrote, and...it's so bad...how am i just supposed to let it be that way???

on the other end, when the bitch is proofreading my work and wants to make a change, i get pissed off. i told her to make a list for me and that i would go in and fix it myself, but she didn't want me to do it. which leads me to believe that she's changing the content of my problems. which i just can't stand because i know she's going to totally screw them up!!

so how do i transform my attitude? how do i make myself more apathetic? how do i stop caring what she does or how this whole thing turns out?

*sigh*

i just want to quit. i hate feeling this way...
posted at 8:02 PM |  

bunch of little thoughts:

- sad to hear that christopher reeve died...i'm sure he inspired a lot of people though...

- the niners actually won a game!

- figure skating season started...just realized that this morning when i turned on the tv to see michelle kwan skating to "bolero." i freakin' love that piece. i was holding back the tears, trust me. only she could pull that off after torvill and dean's classic...

- i don't want to go to work tomorrow : (
posted at 10:42 PM |  

well...we lost : (

and it was a heartbreaker...came so close there at the end...and really, we should have won it. special teams just didn't get it done today. offense was great, defense was great...just couldn't pull it all together...gave usc ridiculously good field position throughout the game - just can't do that and make those types of mistakes against a team like that...

still, the bears were tough and gritty and damn near pulled out the win at the end. showed a lot of heart, considering how many of our starters were hurt (and how many key players got hurt during the game). anyway, we had nothing to lose, the rose bowl is still within reach, and i fully expect them to bounce back next week against ucla! gooooooo bears!
posted at 4:00 PM |  

i'm getting sick of the debates. i feel like they rarely answer the questions they're asked. and they keep repeating themselves (bush especially). enough already. i feel frustrated listening to them, and i'm not even an undecided voter!

anyway...i can't wait until the cal-usc game tomorrow. so excited! go puma, beat lion!
posted at 11:07 PM |  

went out with my cousin...she's just in town for the week, on vacation from school...anyway, it was cool. had a nice meal and a lot of girl talk...a lot of complaining about guys, and about bush (she just saw fahrenheit 911 and was pissed), and...just random stuff. i hardly got to spend any time with her over the summer, so we had a lot to catch up on.

we're so different though...sometimes, just hearing her talk, i feel like we're in different worlds...i mean, she will not date a guy if she doesn't think he's a possible husband. and by that i mean, the same religion. and she's a lot more concerned about marriage, time-line wise...as in, she feels like she needs to get married within the next few years, whereas i feel like i can wait until i meet the right person, no matter how long that takes (this may change after i reach a certain age and give up on the possibility, but it's how i feel now, and i'm 3 years older than my cousin).

and my view is...if i meet a guy and things click and i'm happy being with him, then why should it matter so much what his religion is? unless of course the religion is a large part of his life and it interferes with our relationship somehow...but if that were the case, i probably wouldn't be dating him in the first place. my point is, it's so hard as it is to find someone, how could you just throw away a good opportunity because of something like race or religion or culture? it doesn't make much sense to me. i'm sure there are arguments on the other side, but i just don't see it ever being an issue for me personally.

aside from that, it seems like an awful lot of pressure if you go into a relationship thinking "this is going to be my future husband." i can totally see my cousin doing this (once she does meet a decent guy of the same religion). and i just don't think there's a need for it at at her age...

but, whatever. if it works for her, that's cool...i shouldn't judge.
posted at 1:55 AM |  

i just knew something was wrong...the interview got cancelled...they decided to hire someone else before even interviewing me...

great, huh?
posted at 6:39 PM |  

i'm a little concerned because i never got the confirmation email for my interview...didn't ask for friday off yet because i thought maybe they needed to change it to another day. but, didn't hear from anyone today...and i don't even remember the name of the person i spoke with. don't have any contact info for her either...*sigh*...i'm not sure what to do. i guess i'll look up the company's main phone number tomorrow if i don't get the confirmation by then...
posted at 6:50 PM |  

i've been slacking off with the whole job search thing...i hate it when i get lazy. think i've just been too preoccupied with things. have an interview on friday (3 interviews actually, all for that one company) , though i'm not even sure i'll be able to take the time off. i'll ask tomorrow. i don't think the manager will say "no"...but at the same time, i feel weird asking for time off when there is so much work to do and so little time left to do it...i would have preferred to take the whole day off, but i think i'll just ask for a half-day.

i don't know why i care, i'm just trying to be responsible i guess...and i really hate getting one of those looks from my manager...one of those "we're screwed because anita's not working hard enough" looks. yet, they'll never fire me. so what is a girl to do??
posted at 1:14 AM |  

i'm so tired. feel like i'm coming down with something. i know, i've said this like 3 times so far and haven't gotten sick yet...it's probably just due to this cold weather. i was shivering in the office all day.

stupid project at work is still not done. and i'm running out of gas. i think the "for real" deadline is the 15th. i really hope that all the major stuff i have to do gets done this week though. can't think anymore. didn't really get much done at all today...was trying to edit this other lady's problems, but they didn't make any sense to me. not sure that they'll make any more sense to me tomorrow. so, i don't know what to do. i really just don't want to deal with them at all...
posted at 7:05 PM |  

another thing about my family - not only do i feel pressure to be "successful" in my career, i also feel pressure to find the perfect husband and settle down. already! it's so irritating how much emphasis is on marriage. i'm just not ready...and it can take time to find the right person...just like it can take time to find the right job. i feel like everyone's placed a bunch of unrealistic expectations on me...why is it that their happiness has to depend on me doing these things? why can't they focus on doing things to make themselves happy, rather than just waiting for me to do it? that's what i don't understand...
posted at 6:24 PM |  

cal's kicking butt right now...it's nice. and to think i was actually a little worried about this game! osu was the only pac-10 team that really dominated us last year, and i also thought we might be a little rusty due to not playing for 3 weeks. but i have to say, this team looks pretty damn amazing. the real test will be next week at usc. i suggest everyone watch that game, even if you're not a football fan. it should be a good one.
posted at 2:46 PM |  

i think it's strange that all of the interviews i've had have been for positions that were very different from what i'm doing now...positions that would require me to do a lot of things that i have no experience doing (at all!)...and i've never gotten an interview for any of the jobs that i felt really well-qualified for. i mean, there were some jobs that i thought for sure i'd be asked to interview for, just because my background seemed to match the qualifications perfectly. but i never heard from any of them. and instead i get these interviews where it quickly becomes clear that i'm in over my head...it makes things so difficult. i would just love to have an interview where i could be confident, knowing that i have everything they are looking for. it's so much harder to have to sell yourself and convince them to take a chance on you even though you're not qualified...makes me nervous just thinking about it.

one of my problems is that i have a hard time talking myself up, you know? i tend to be really honest - a bit too honest probably.

anyway...i feel like not telling anyone (other than my readers) about the interview. just because people have a tendency to make me feel worse when i don't get the job...

lately my parents have been saying things that really bug the hell out of me. my mom keeps saying "i don't understand why you had to go and pick such a bad field" - the last time she said that, i got seriously pissed off and told her that i never wanted to hear her say that again. she didn't get it. she was like "why not? you did pick a bad field, what can i do?" aaarrrrrgh.

a week later, my dad, who normally has a better way with words, said "why don't you change your field?" and proceeded to tell me the story of his ex-career...how there were very few jobs in that particular type of engineering and how it took him a really, really long time to find a job when he got laid off once, and how that's the reason he decided to switch careers, etc...

but i just think it's different for me, because 1) i'm younger and still have time (he was like 45 when he figured out what he wanted to do), and 2) because i am passionate about this field (i seriously doubt he was passionate about engineering, despite the fact that he was really good at it).

he asked me why i didn't switch to what my cousin is doing. because i hate programming, that's why!!! i would be miserable doing her job. ok, maybe not miserable...but...certainly not happy. i'd have to re-learn all that crap that i hated in college. no thanks.

oh - switching back to my mom, just before that argument started, we saw a product made by the company where that cousin works. so i just casually mentioned to my mom that my cousin works for them. big mistake. i can't mention anyone else i know getting any sort of job, because inevitably it turns into her making me feel like a failure.

so...in short, i'm stressed. if this interview doesn't go well, then i feel like people are going to make me feel like shit. i'm more concerned about that than i am about not getting the job! something's wrong with that picture, don't you think?

*sigh*...
posted at 1:53 AM |