i've been bummed out all day today. why? because i have to go back to work tomorrow!!!

i really don't want to. i told my mom i would stick it out until january. which seems really far away right now : (
posted at 7:52 PM |  

back from LA. it was ok. nothing too exciting, but it was nice to get away for a little bit...

i turned 27 yesterday...*sigh*...birthdays can be so depressing. i hate getting older. a present or two would have helped (surprise ones), but i didn't get any (yet). i would have loved if some friends had remembered and at least sent an email or called or whatever...but hell, even my dad didn't do that. i know he's getting old and forgetting things, but still. it kinda sucks that he didn't call me on my birthday.

i spent most of yesterday at the getty. it was my first time there...it was nice, but just ok-nice. i was expecting it to be better. just because all these people rave about it. i didn't like the photography section much. and the gardens were disappointing. i did get a good view though - it was unusually clear that day. no smog thanks to the strong winds...

anyway...the main thing i enjoyed over the weekend was getting to see and play with some of my relatives' babies. cute as hell. (that phrase makes no sense, but you know what i mean.) babies make me happy. i just look at them and crack up because they're so funny. i wonder if, when i'm a mom one day, i'd just be laughing too much to actually do mom-things. i'm guessing the novelty probably wears off pretty quickly when you're sleep deprived and all that...but right now, i just picture myself just laughing at the poor kid non-stop.

i don't even know why i'm thinking about this. the whole getting older thing must be starting to mess with my head...
posted at 11:16 PM |  

going down to LA tomorrow...no reason, just needed to get away. i'll be back tuesday or wednesday.

have a happy thanksgiving...
posted at 2:53 PM |  

i freakin' hate the BCS. i can feel something bad is going to happen...that someway, somehow, cal is going to get screwed. as usual.
posted at 11:26 PM |  

biggest crowd i've *ever* seen at memorial...almost 73,000! i'm impressed. the game started slow, but we killed them in the second half. how awesome is lynch?!?! it's going to be a lot of fun watching him over the next 2-3 years...

went onto the field after the game ended...just an amazing feeling to see all these smiling people in blue and gold everywhere you look...especially after 7 years of suffering...

anyway, i've been feeling sick since last night but still yelled my ass off (hard to do when you have acid reflux). i'm totally exhausted right now. but i have to say, winning is so much fun! no better way to take my mind off of all the crap at work! : )
posted at 5:51 PM |  

went to the bonfire tonight...feel like i haven't been to one in a really long time...i was late and had to stand on the grassy hill in the back, but it was still nice...

my throat feels sore. i won't be surprised if i lose my voice tomorrow.

GO BEARS!
posted at 11:53 PM |  

still very frustrated. i really need to talk to someone, but whenever i try, i feel like no one really gets it. no one understands...

too many things eating at me right now. and i feel very alone on top of that : (

i don't know what's going to happen. don't know what i want to do or if i'm even going to do anything...i just feel scared.
posted at 11:40 PM |  

SO much crap today...

we had a meeting this morning at work this morning (minus the boss, so we could actually accomplish something). and at this meeting, i was suddenly told that i would be responsible for this one lesson, and that i would need to have an outline by the monday after thanksgiving. a little short notice, don't you think? considering we have 2 days off, and i'm taking 2 more in addition to that? i have how many days left to do this?

i got so pissed, and i told the manager right then and there that i wish he had told me ahead of time, and he said something like "i assumed that you knew." what the fuck? how is that? does he think i can read his mind? there was NO discussion whatsoever about me being responsible for this lesson. about a month ago, i told him i didn't have anything to do, and he said "we might be doing a lesson on blah blah blah at some point in the next few months so can you look for some good real-world examples on this topic?" THAT'S ALL. there was no mention of the fact that *I* would be responsible for the lesson. (keep in mind, i don't normally make the lessons - the bitch has done all of them so far.) there was no mention of an outline that was needed by any particular date. and on top of that, i even told him a few days later that i was having trouble finding examples we could use, and he didn't say anything.

anyway, if this were an ordinary lesson that i could find in any math book and use that as a guide, it would be fine. but it's not. it's some bullshit "applications" lesson. and i can't find any applications to build this lesson around! it's a really difficult lesson to do in that sense - and it's not fair that he's expecting ME to do it. and do it quickly.

i tried explaining at the meeting that i have no idea what is supposed to go in this lesson, and then the bitch tried to give me an example and made it sound like i was stupid for finding the concept so hard. as though it should be easy because i just need to "come up with a story"...it's SUCH CRAP. i bet she just didn't want to do this lesson because she knows how hard it will be, and so she pushed the manager to get me to do it so she wouldn't have to deal with it (typical).

i didn't know what else to say. i wanted to cry at that point. i got a big knot in my throat and i felt sick. couldn't even eat after that. felt like shit for 2-3 hours. just from anxiety/stress...hatred...whatever you want to call it.

on top of this one lesson, i also found out that i'm supposed to do half of the lessons for the next project we're going to work on. i was not happy about this. lessons require a lot more work and thought than homework. and considering i haven't gotten a raise in 2 years, i don't feel motivated to do all that. and i really, really don't want to have to work with the bitch. it was ok when things were separate - she did the lessons, i did the homework. we have no problems then. but when our duties overlap...big headaches. it's going to get really unpleasant...

left the meeting really pissed off. didn't know who i could talk to about it. called my mom and had one of my semi-annual i-want-to-quit-my-job breakdowns...and of course, my mom being my mom, she told me to get legal advice. damnit, i don't want to sue them, i just want to quit!!!

then i went back to work and did nothing. couldn't think, i was so upset about everything...got home and called my mom again. which was a mistake because 1) i found out she spoke about everything with this one aunt that we're not even close to and don't really talk to (the same aunt who said to me "i don't want my daughters to turn out like you"). so now that aunt knows all my shit and thinks even less of me than she did before. and 2) my mom gave me the obligatory "change your line of work". she even said "it's fine with me if you want to get your MBA" (aaaarrrrgggh!!!! first of all, it's not *MY* MBA. i don't want, and have never wanted to go into business or learn about business. second, if i did, i wouldn't need her permission. what kind of statement was that??? just because her friend's daughter got an MBA and now has a really high-paying job? for the last time, I'M NOT INTERESTED)

i got off the phone because i just couldn't take it anymore. shouldn't have called her. i just don't know who else to talk to. honestly, most of my friends have no clue, no clue at all, how much i hate my job. they've heard me say i hate it, but they don't know about all the crying and the breakdowns and the anxiety and all that. it's hard to talk about. (probably why most of it ends up here)

anyway, i really need to go take a long shower and chill out now...
posted at 6:39 PM |  

went to the big sing-off tonight. not as good as it used to be. but still, always fun to see the men's octet perform.

oh, and the campanile was absolutely beautiful tonight. it was worth it to step foot on campus and see it all lit up in blue and gold. i wish i had taken my camera.

i don't think the walk in the cold was good though. feel like i'm getting sick now. i better go to bed.
posted at 12:50 AM |  

i'm getting really annoyed with my inability to make a decision. i always drive myself nuts when i have different options...i want to just be able to jump into something without over-analyzing, you know? but it's so hard for me to do that. i'm always second-guessing, always changing my mind, always wanting something more concrete to help make things clear-cut. i don't know why this is...i'm not even talking about major life-changing decisions here...some of these are really "go with your gut" type decisions (but my gut seems to have no idea), or even the type where there isn't a major difference between the choices (but i can't flip a coin).

i'm just so tired of thinking about things...how am i going to get through life this way??
posted at 12:49 AM |  

looks like it's shaping up to be a cal-michigan rose bowl! so exciting...i'll be rooting for cal, of course. but it would be great match-up if it happens...
posted at 11:14 PM |  

the orthopedic doc told me to do some isometric exercises...they do make me feel better. just don't know how long i'll have to keep doing them...

i kind of want an x-ray. just because i'm convinced something is wrong with my shoulder. but he says that it seems fine. most likely just have a pinched nerve. although, why would that make my shoulder crack and click and all that? i mean, i feel like something is moving inside. it's hard to explain...

anyway, i'm going over to my mom's for diwali. don't really think i'll be productive sitting here.
posted at 2:29 PM |  

really tired...just got back from a little family gathering...calling in sick to work tomorrow. i don't feel up for it. although, i can't even sleep in because i have an appointment in the morning...will *try* to go to bed a little early tonight. tried that last night too, but it didn't really work out because people upstairs were walking around and using the bathroom until about 2...i just couldn't sleep through it...

anyway...will write more tomorrow, don't have the energy now.
posted at 12:10 AM |  

i think my doctor is pretty clueless. and the sad part is, she's one of the better blueshield doctors i've been to.

she wasn't sure if i have 2 separate problems (one in the shoulder, one in the neck), or if a nerve in the neck was causing all of my problems. she was about to send me out of there with nothing, aside from telling me to make sure my pillow is supporting my neck properly (which, by the way, if i knew how to do, i would have done by now). but i wouldn't accept that. then she was debating whether to send me to physical therapy again, or to an orthopedic. she was leaning towards physical therapy, but then i reminded her that i had this problem with my shoulder when i was in physical therapy a year ago, and obviously it didn't do much. so she referred me to an orthopedic to look at my shoulder. (and i bet you the orthopedic is going to tell me the problem is with a nerve in my neck and i'll be back to square one. is there no nerve/neck specialist? where do people with nerve issues go?!?!)

the doctor also said that the neck problem is probably from my computer monitor set-up. so she said she'd prescribe an ergonomic evaluation at my work. yeah, loads of good that did last time. doesn't she have it in her notes somewhere that my office does not and will not get a professional ergonomics person to come in and set me up?? i mean, i don't even have a real desk, and nothing at my workstation is adjustable. i realize it's against the law and that they are the ones who are wrong, but i already caused enough trouble at my office last year and i don't want to do it again.

so what do i want? someone to figure out what the damn problem really is. is that too much to ask for?
posted at 6:46 PM |  

my back is really killing me. i probably shouldn't be at my computer for long. i stopped doing yoga a couple weeks ago, because i suspected that something i was doing was causing this weird feeling in one of the nerves in my back. and although that particular feeling has reduced since i stopped the yoga, my back and shoulder are hurting more...

i stopped going to my chiropractor a couple months ago because he was irritating, and i didn't feel like he was really helping me get better. besides, the yoga was helping, and that was something i could do for free whenever i wanted. but now i don't know what to do.

going to the doctor tomorrow morning. hopefully she can help...
posted at 11:06 PM |  

as usual, our meeting at work was totally pointless. i suppose all it really does is make my boss feel like he's actually a boss, because we all sit there and listen to him talk for 2 hours straight.

but basically, i came out of the meeting still having no idea what i'm supposed to be doing. he mentioned a bunch of things that i will be working on at some point in the future, supposedly, but what am i supposed to do today? this week? next week? no clue.

so before i left the office today, i asked him. at first, he told me to take a few days off. then i explained to him that had i known in advance, i could have planned something, but i don't want to take time off now when i have nothing to do because it would be a waste of my vacation days. he then started to say i could take tomorrow off "on him" (meaning, without it coming out of my vacation), and i got really excited at the prospect, but then before he finished his sentence, he suddenly thought of something for me to do. he then proceeded to blabber on about this thing for 15-20 minutes while i was standing there. still have no idea what he wants me to do, but he ended with "so you can do that tomorrow." uh, ok. whatever.

*sigh*

on the bright side, the bitch has the stomach flu. or so she claims. she's probably making it up, but i hope not. i want her to stay home another few days. (and to keep throwing up!!)
posted at 6:40 PM |  

the boss didn't show up today. but i didn't really expect him to. we're having a real meeting tomorrow (the whole office), so maybe i'll have work to do on wednesday. the days go by so slowly when i'm just staring into space...

i'm still not liking my hair. and in general, i don't feel good about how i look right now. i'm starting to show signs of getting older. which reminds me, i'm going to be 27 this month. scary, huh? that's like...late 20's, as opposed to mid-20's. no wonder i look so old. this teenager called me "ma'am" a couple weeks ago. just a random person on the street, asking for the time. it's depressing...next year will be worse though. 28. that just sounds like such an adult age. i associate that age with...well, i'm not sure how to explain it. i just always had these thoughts like "by the time i'm 28..." and i'm pretty sure that my life is not going to be anything that i envisioned it would be at that age. (i know i've said that before, about my life now and the past few years. but 28 is the actual number that i always thought in my head, so it's going to be pretty significant for me.)

and as though i'm not depressed enough, the year's almost over already. well, about 2 months left. but it always seems like it's coming to an end once november comes around. and i just can't fucking believe that i'm still working here. thought for sure i would be gone by now. this whole year just sped by me. what did i do this year? for real??? i can't think of a damn thing.

so now i just feel this need to do something. i don't know what that something is, but i have 2 months to do it.
posted at 12:41 AM |  

oh, and my eye seems fine. no swelling at least. still a bit itchy, but i think it'll be ok.
posted at 4:54 PM |  

just got back from the cal game...scary...we barely squeaked out the win. it was the first time i've actually felt the need to hug someone afterwards. like we had just escaped from this dangerous monster called the oregon ducks. it was one of the most emotional games i've ever been to. and did i mention LOUD? i'm so hoarse right now...

we got really lucky, but i'll take it. just wish our field goal kicker would get his shit together. there was no reason for the game to be as close as it was.

and damnit, why couldn't a&m beat oklahoma?!?!
posted at 4:47 PM |  

forgot to get a mouse trap...and it's back, i can hear it again. doesn't it realize there's no food in that cabinet? go away, stupid mouse!
posted at 12:49 AM |  

my left eye's been bothering me all day today...i'm kinda worried that it's infected. it doesn't look swollen (yet), but it feels like it is. and it's really itchy. so...having gone through one of these on my right eye back in june, the outlook isn't good.

is it weird that i'm more upset about possibly having to miss the football game tomorrow, if this does turn out to be an infection? it's an important game, damnit! why couldn't this wait until...oh...monday??
posted at 10:51 PM |  

the bitch will not shut up about her new computer. it's driving me nuts.

today, she was complaining about the wire hooking it up to our network. see, the wire is yellow and therefore an "eyesore" because everything else is white and beautiful. she was dead serious, asking for a white wire to replace the yellow one.

oh, and whenever people walk by, even if they don't say anything, she'll just *know* that they're envious of her computer and say "it's gorgeous, isn't it?" - shut the fuck up already.

i set up a meeting with my boss on monday, so hopefully he'll show up for it and give me something to do. i honestly don't know how this week passed...
posted at 6:58 PM |  

so i'm about 99.9% sure there's a mouse in my kitchen right now. i hear noises coming from one of the cabinets. and i don't want to open it, because i don't know what i'd do if the mouse jumped out. i'd rather have it stay in there and do whatever it is doing. i know there isn't any food in there anyway. just garbage bags and stuff like that. i don't know how the mouse got in there in the first place, but i'm hoping it'll just make its way out the same way it got in. realistically, i should probably buy some mouse traps. i just hate having to deal with crap like this...
posted at 10:32 PM |  

still nothing to do at work...i wanted to ask my boss if he could think of something, but he seemed really preoccupied today. maybe tomorrow. i don't know. it's just so strange to go from being over-loaded with work to having absolutely no work. both are tiring in their own way...

what sucks is that i have no privacy there, so it's not like i can surf the web or im or whatever. even with email, i have to be careful. i know the bitch saw a hotjobs email i got the other day. not that i care, but still. i just like to keep things private, and i can't do that the way our cubicle is set up. just one more thing i hate about working there i suppose...
posted at 5:43 PM |  

i attempted to blog via email a few times from work earlier in the week, but for some reason they didn't get posted until tonight. so if you read them and were confused, that's why.

but anyway, they're gone now, and they weren't important, so don't feel like you missed out if you didn't read them. i was basically just complaining about how bored i was at work.

i'm hoping they have something for me to do tomorrow. i felt like i was losing my mind today...
posted at 1:26 AM |  

3 days of not having anything to do at work...i can't take it much longer. it was somewhat bearable until the bitch came back today and was presented with a brand new iMac. yup, they spent well over $1000 to buy their princess a new computer, while the rest of us don't get shit. have i mentioned i haven't gotten a raise in 2 years? and she gloated for hours. isn't it beautiful? it's so gorgeous. i love it!

i can think of a hundred better uses for that money - things for the whole office, but no. they can't even buy me a real desk, but they can get her whatever her heart desires. fuck her. fuck all of them.
posted at 5:46 PM |  

i think it's pretty much over now : (

this sucks...it's just horrible...i know i shouldn't be surprised, but i am. i really thought kerry would pull it out somehow...
posted at 1:00 AM |  

how fucking depressing is this election?

i know it's not over yet, but it sure doesn't look good.
posted at 9:29 PM |  

left work early...didn't have any work to do. so boring...at least it was quiet because the bitch wasn't in today. it'll be much harder to sit there and do nothing all day when she is there...*sigh*...
posted at 6:38 PM |