got a rejection email today...i almost prefer it when they just don't bother replying. because now i feel bad...i really should have done a better job with the sample work i sent them. should have put more time and thought into it. i don't know why i'm so lazy sometimes. going back to college, there were so many times when i just didn't apply myself. hardly ever studied. didn't do most of the required reading. didn't go ask questions and get help when i needed it. and i know that if i had done those things, i would have easily gotten A's in those classes. not that it would have helped or mattered much in the real world. but what i'm getting at is, i just don't try sometimes. and it's right there in front of me. nothing holding me back but myself...

i know that part of it is lack of motivation. when i'm really, truly interested in something, then i do push myself to do as good a job as i can. but when i'm not, it's very difficult for me to find the drive to do that. that's what i'm really struggling with right now. the idea of going back to work seems so unpleasant because i just hated the last job so much. i know that i should look forward to finding a job that i really like and working with nicer people. but instead, i'm just scared that i'll end up somewhere just as bad, or worse. and then what'll i do?

on top of that, there's this feeling inside that i just don't have what it takes to be successful. and it's shocking to me, because i was the opposite growing up. i always thought i'd be good at whatever i chose to do. but now i'm realizing that that's good enough. because i have to first go over this big hurdle of convincing someone else to give me a chance to do it. and i suck at that.

*big sigh*

i hate the real world.
posted at 12:37 AM |  

still alive. just been feeling quiet lately...

i hadn't applied for any jobs in a while, so i sent out a few today. it's hard sometimes...i just feel so discouraged when i don't hear back from anyone.
posted at 4:10 PM |  

nothing's wrong with my tooth...and it cost me $140 just to hear that.

i hate dentists!!!
posted at 3:24 PM |  

a friend is up here visiting from san diego, so we spent the entire day wandering around berkeley...her main objective was to eat as much as possible. it's funny how people get addicted to the food here. when they leave and have to go live somewhere else, that's when it really hits. we have it good here...

anyway, i'm going to the dentist tomorrow morning to see what's going on with my tooth. i probably waited too long. i'm stupid, i know. the pain went away early last week, but now my gums are really screwed up and feel weird. probably an infection or something. i hope it's nothing too serious...or expensive...
posted at 8:38 PM |  

overheard today:

"Do you do Brazilian waxes?...Ok, I have a question. Will it hurt?"

i almost burst out laughing. what was she expecting the woman to say? no?
posted at 7:50 PM |  

training was supposed to go from 12-1:30. it actually lasted until 2:30. and there's still more to go! i don't know why i'm doing this...was debating whether or not to even do the training last night. but the idea of helping these kids really appeals to me. it's the only thing i've come across that actually gives me a good feeling and that sounds fun. although, it is a lot of work. and there's a lot of prep time which i won't even get paid for. but when i look at different things i can do until i find a regular job...classes, etc., nothing else excites me in any way.

anyway, like i said, there's still more to go, so everything's still up in the air right now.
posted at 4:19 PM |  

i'm really out of it today. i can't even count how many stupid things i've already done in the short amount of time that i've been up.

anyway...got a few little job prospects, but nothing that i'm really excited about. i have tutor training tomorrow...everytime i go through one of those, i think to myself "is $10/hr really worth all this?" i don't know. and the timings aren't as flexible as i thought they'd be. so...i need to think about this some more. we'll see.
posted at 11:44 AM |  

i feel like i must have ADD or something. i can't concentrate at all. this whole working from home idea? not a very good one.
posted at 5:07 PM |  

i have to submit a bunch of sample problems for this one job i applied for...this was easy when i was in the office and had a million textbooks lying around. and also, it's easier when i have a specific topic to write problems for...

i wish i still had access to problems i wrote for my old job, so i could just pick out the really good ones and send them off. damnit, i can't even remember the password for the calc stuff we have on the web!

i just need to relax and crank some out, but i'm just so nervous because i don't know what types of problems would impress them...i don't know what they are looking for...

and this is just a part-time/temp thing to tide me over until i find something real. trust me, i don't want to write problems for a living.
posted at 5:09 PM |  

i'm unusually jumpy and awake right now. the problem is, it's 2:30 AM. how am i gonna fall asleep?

i applied for 3 jobs today. though, to be fair, 2 were very similar jobs at the same company, and i pretty much used the same letter and resume for both. i assume the same person will get both of them, which is kind of weird. but whatever. tomorrow, i'll email someone who works at the same company. i don't know if he's in the same department or not, but i need all the help i can get.
posted at 2:26 AM |  

it's only february, and i'm already freaking out about a trip to india in december...it's not that i don't want to go there - i do...but i'd prefer to go under my own plans. as opposed to me essentially being forced to go at a certain time and do certain things while there. see, we're having a family reunion. fine, cool. but the date and location seem to have been decided by 1 person, without any input from others. i was ok with it, until i started hearing more details...i mean, if i'm going all the way to india, i don't want to have to spend 5+ days away from the city, in a hill station area, sharing 3 bathrooms with like, 20 people. in a house where electricity is on and off, and hot water is iffy. and the last time i went there, i had to seriously ration the only partial roll of toilet paper they had there. if i recall correctly, they don't have a tv there either. i'll be forced to play cards for over 5 days straight! oh, hell...i can't imagine how loud it's going to be (probably about 45 of us there in total).

i just do not see this as being a pleasant time. i'm sorry. would love to hang out with all the relatives...one night...but that's it. and i don't understand why we have to go out of town to do this...especially for that many days. i hate to sound high-maintenance, but i just can't go that long without washing my hair, without sleeping on a bed, without having a little bit of quiet time...the more i think about it, the worse it sounds. but i have no choice, i have to go...
posted at 6:56 PM |  

i think i might be getting a cavity or something. this one tooth has been killing me for a week. and i don't have dental insurance right now, so...i'm hoping it's nothing.

aside from that, not much going on with me. just kind of annoyed how pretty much any conversation i have with certain relatives inevitably turns into one of those "it's time you started looking for a husband"-lectures. i'm so sick of it...and a lot of them have pretty much given up on the idea of me finding someone for myself, so they want to set me up with random guys, or put my profile on one of those indian websites...i'll bet some already have done that without telling me...i just want to be left alone. so what if i turn 30 and i'm still not married? i don't care. it'll happen when it happens...i'm just not one of those people who can go shopping for a husband. i'm not even ready to think about it yet. i just want everyone to get off my back...
posted at 7:04 PM |  

applied for a $10/hour tutoring job. just for some spare change. i'll be really depressed if i don't get this.
posted at 6:34 PM |  

is it weird that i would actually consider going to this?
posted at 12:32 PM |  

i don't really feel like writing until i find out who this new reader is. actually, i feel like deleting everything. so, if you know me, will you please tell me who you are before i drive myself nuts?
posted at 1:09 AM |  

feeling kind of paranoid right now, because someone was reading my blog for an awful long time tonight. not to make this person feel bad, whoever it was. but i know how uncompelling my writing is most of the time, so for someone to spend that much time on my blog...well, i'm worried that it must have been someone who knows me. of course, i haven't done a great job of being anonymous here. damn google!

i've thought about starting fresh and being more careful about what i write. maybe even blocking google. but i don't know. not sure what to do...*sigh*...
posted at 11:22 PM |  

boycotting bush's speech. don't want to hear a word of it.

instead, i was looking at cal's LOIs. damn, we did good this year. i'm impressed...

sent out another resume today, but it was very half-hearted. and actually, after i sent it out, the screen that came up said that the experience required was 5-10 years. i don't understand why that vital piece of information was not displayed earlier...as in, before i decided to apply. i feel silly applying for jobs i'm not qualified for. what a waste of time...
posted at 6:52 PM |  

i'm starting to feel like bollywood movies are the new "cool thing" here, and i just don't know if i can jump on the bandwagon...used to like them when i was young, of course. i loved all musicals then. what did i know? i even loved grease 2.

but as i got older, i started to get annoyed with indian movies. the storylines got tiring (the same basic story, over and over). i started laughing at all the wrong places (the parts that were supposed to be humorous were totally un-funny, while the fight scenes cracked me up). now i watch maybe 1 a year, tops. out of boredom. and when i do, i'm so put off by the bad acting and the really, really bad directing...it distracts me too much. and honestly, i get the impression that indians consider a movie to be good if 1) the songs are catchy, and 2) the clothes and jewelry are fancy. and maybe 3) a popular star is in it. who cares about the story?

anyway...basically, i gave up on them so long ago, i don't know if i can get myself to try to enjoy one now. i do kind of get why some americans are suddenly so fond of them, but...i don't know if i can look past all the stuff that annoys me and try to appreciate them for what they are. so i get really confused when i see movies like "veer-zaara" and "bride & prejudice" (in english, but done bollywood-style) getting really good reviews over here, because i don't know if i should go see them or not. of course, i could rent them for $2 and watch them at home, but i feel like that would be spoiling whatever it is that the reviewers loved on the big screen. (for example, "monsoon wedding" seemed much better in the theater than it did at home on video.) so, i don't know...go see what all the fuss is about, or just assume that the reviewers are going overboard because it's popular (or because they are so ga-ga over aish)?
posted at 11:42 PM |  

been wanting to write, but there hasn't been much to say...sent out one resume yesterday and one just now...but my chances of getting either of those jobs are slim to none.

it's weird though, when i quit i was really optimistic - and i still am. i just have this feeling inside that i'm going to find a job relatively quickly (well, in a month or two). and i don't know why i have that feeling, maybe i'm just being delusional...and if that's the case, i'm going to have a really big let down if i'm still sitting here jobless in a few months...
posted at 7:32 PM |