the phone interview went alright i guess. the only times i wasn't sure what to say were when she asked me what salary i was expecting (or actually, what salary would get me to move out to chicago), and what made me apply for the job.

i really don't know what the average salary is for this type of job. didn't want to pick a number that was way off - either too high or too low. i just said i expect to earn more than i was getting at my last job.

think i may have stuck my foot in my mouth a bit when she asked about relocating to chicago. i told her i'd do it for "the right job" - but i don't even know what i meant by that. and of course, she asked what i meant by that. and from the salary question, it seemed like she thought i meant that money was a factor. and maybe it is, i don't know! i haven't thought about it. i just want to like where i work and what i have to do there. can i get someone to look into a crystal ball and tell me if that'll be the case? i wish it were that easy... posted at 1:23 PM |  

it's funny how getting rid of a bunch of ugly magnets on my refrigerator suddenly made my entire kitchen look ten times nicer. i should have done this years ago. i just never realized that that was the problem...

there's still so much to do around my apartment. one would think that, now that i have all the time in the world, those things would get done. but, i don't know. i just have a hard time starting...it's overwhelming sometimes, to think about all the things i have to do. and all the things i want to do. but...i mean, what the hell have i been doing over the past 3 months? i'm at a loss. seems i just have a talent for wasting time...cleaning the refrigerator? that was on my "to do" list for last week. but for some reason i just got around to it today. why? i don't know! do you see what i mean? i just don't know where the time goes.

anyway. new episode of lost tonight! yay! posted at 6:15 PM |  

i have a phone interview tomorrow...which would be great news, except for the fact that the job's in chicago. not to be getting ahead of myself, but i don't really know if i'd want to move out there. especially if the job isn't exactly what i'm looking for. but any kind of interview is good for me - i need the practice. posted at 1:00 PM |  

been getting depressed about the whole job search thing again. i'm all out of ideas...don't know what else to do or where else to look...

i feel like i'm not qualified for any jobs at all. and i was worried about this back when i was in grad school - because i sure as hell wasn't learning anything useful there. i even remember asking one of my professors what skills i would need to have in order to get a job, and she never really answered. i should have transferred...*sigh*...

i think i need to take a week off again. posted at 3:44 PM |  

it annoys the hell out of me when sean sends me an im beginning with the words "i can't talk right now but..."

if you're busy, im me later when you're not busy!! i mean, he sees me online everyday and hasn't bothered to say anything in months, but then all of a sudden (when he's too busy to actually have a conversation) he's like "i just saw you online so i thought i'd say hi" - wtf?

similarly, there's been several times when he's called me (not recently, but like, prior to last year) and then after 2 or 3 minutes, said "i have to go." well then why did you call if you knew you had to go so soon?!?!

i just don't understand him.

anyway, he used to send a lot of these mass emails to all his friends, but i haven't gotten any from him in a really long time. but now it seems like he thought he was still sending them to me this whole time...he was probably sending them to an old email address and never noticed. who knows. but now that i gave him my email address for the millionth time, i bet you i still won't get any emails from him. (other than this one article he sent me today, which he thought he had already sent me, but hadn't)

the article is interesting though. it's about his great (great?) grandfather and what an asshole he was. apparently some things run in the family.

i don't mean to sound bitter. i just am... posted at 6:29 PM |  

online job applications suck. i just accidentally applied for the wrong job. meaning, not the job i intended to apply for. they are going to think i'm weird when they get the application. but when i looked at the list of jobs, it said that i applied for both jobs. so...i'm very confused. it's possible i already applied for the intended job a couple months ago...i don't remember. posted at 11:48 PM |  

blogger seems to be having issues lately. not that i really had anything important to write about. it's just annoying.

anyway...my sleep cycle is totally screwed up. i've been tossing and turning until 4-ish, then struggling to get up before noon. i hate sleeping in that late...i keep thinking i'll get up early one day, so i'll feel tired earlier and fall asleep by 1 or 2. but whenever i've tried, it's only lasted a day or two tops. i probably need to get more exercise or something. wear myself out during the day somehow. the rainy weather's made that hard lately.

i watched the american version of "the office" tonight. i haven't seen any of the british version yet, but i'm guessing that most of the humor got lost in the translation. it wasn't quite as bad as the american attempt at "coupling" though. that was horrible. british humor is just so much funnier when you keep it british and have actual british people doing it. posted at 10:45 PM |  

found a job listing that is really on target in terms of what i think i want to do, and the company is in the bay area, and i even have a contact at the company...but...they are looking for someone with at least 5 years of experience.

it's so annoying. i mean what would i even say to them if i applied? i have no actual experience doing this stuff, but i think i'd really, really like to try? really what i want is to be an assistant to the person they do hire for that position. so i can learn and get the experience i need to do that type of job eventually.

i just don't understand what i'm supposed to do NOW when all the jobs listed are for managerial positions!! it's the most frustrating thing... posted at 5:47 PM |  

i'm in a weird mood tonight. restless. and i'm so incredibly sick of applying for jobs...*sigh*...

it's also very frustrating to have all these things on my mind and not be able to find the words when i come here and try to get it out...

blah. posted at 12:25 AM |  

saw this article on fiona apple and downloaded all the songs...listening to them right now. it's good stuff. if you like her at all, check it out. posted at 5:23 PM |  

bills, bills, bills...my money is dwindling away...

and my car is slowly falling apart, the poor thing. still runs fine, but random little things are breaking. for example, i can't unlock the driver's side door from the outside.

it's getting harder and harder to look for jobs too. i just feel like it's a lost cause. that said, i don't really have any other options now, do i? posted at 12:33 AM |  

i think there might be a mouse in my closet.

i'm so not going to be able to fall asleep tonight... posted at 12:33 AM |  

i need to start writing down which jobs i've applied for. would it be weird if i applied for the same job twice? in the same month? because this form i'm filling out right now looks really familiar, but i can't find any evidence that i have already applied for this job. even though i feel like i did just a week ago.

i'm losing my mind. posted at 6:59 PM |  

ok, "alias" was better tonight. i think they're starting to get to the good stuff. whatever that may be. posted at 12:37 AM |  

i don't feel good. i didn't get much sleep last night. doubt i'm going to get anything done today.

i'm annoyed that "lost" is a rerun tonight. i'm so addicted to that show. "alias" has been a bit boring for me lately. i mean, there used to be all these twists and turns in the first couple seasons...but now, it's just the same thing over and over. something interesting needs to happen. i'm not even sure what the overall storyline is supposed to be this season, if there is one. but it needs to get moving.

and since i'm on the subject of TV, i'm liking "the amazing race" again. i thought last season kinda sucked. but i like most of the teams this time. and i don't even mind rob's scheming because at least he's funny about it.

it's kind of sad that i don't have anything else to write about. guess i'm turning into a couch potato. posted at 4:20 PM |  

was trying to write something thoughtful, but nothing came out. so instead, here's a summary of what's going on with me:

- i really need a haircut.
- my tooth still hurts.
- i haven't gained any weight, but i've gotten fatter.
- i'm sleeping too much.
- i have some bad habits that i really need to break. posted at 10:51 PM |  

bummed out tonight...not in the mood to do anything...

i feel lost. i don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the best word i could think of.

i should be feeling a little bit cheered up today. i mean, it's so nice of that professor to even *consider* giving me a job, when she doesn't even seem to need the help right now. especially from a non-programmer like me. and why oh why did i completely stop programming when i got out of college? jeez i would have so many more opportunities right now if i could remember ANYTHING. i may have to learn a new language, if she hires me. big if. i'm not counting on it...i'm not even sure if she has funding right now.

anyway, as i was saying...i should be feeling better, just because this is the first sign of hope that i've had. but, i don't...maybe it's because i have no idea what i would be doing for her (aside from learning how to program again). i don't know if i'll like it or be any good at it. and i probably shouldn't be talking about it as if it's in the bag, because i know it's not. maybe she was just being nice and didn't want to say straight out to my face that she wasn't going to hire me. maybe she'll reject me via email. won't that be great?

alright, alright...i'm just in a bad mood today. i honestly wasn't expecting her to even have any possibilities in mind for me. i only contacted her because i thought she might know someone else who was hiring. and part of me wishes she had given me some names and/or companies. in addition to talking about her own projects, none of which i really understood.

anyway...life sucks. i need some chocolate. posted at 11:17 PM |  

met with the professor i used to work for...she said she might be able to figure out something for me to do on one of her projects, but first she needs some writing samples from me. and i'm really pissed at myself because i left my job so suddenly that i didn't take enough of my work! i emailed a few things to myself when i went to clean out my desk, but nothing that i can really use. i had totally forgotten about this one project that i had in a separate folder...i fully intended on saving it, but when the time came, i just...forgot.

so, i feel like an idiot right now. posted at 3:04 PM |  

it was a cousin's 25th birthday a few days ago, so we had a little family get-together tonight to celebrate. anyway, i went with my dad, and he stopped to buy her a gift on the way. well, this gift cost ended up costing him about $85. and all night, i was just feeling so sour because her parents haven't given me a birthday gift (no cash, nothing) in several years. at least 5, if not more than that. (and no, she personally has never given me a gift either.)

oh, but then it gets worse. because then i found out that he gave my other cousin a $75 gift certificate for his birthday. i'm pretty sure he got him a $50 gift certificate for christmas as well. this for the son of the aunt who got me an $8 shirt for christmas. (and by the way, this aunt also has a daughter who probably gets equally expensive gifts from my dad.)

i wonder sometimes if my dad even knows/realizes how little they give me. he probably wouldn't care...i mean, he's just a generous person and he likes to give people gifts that would make them happy. but i just feel angry inside. and i start to view them in a really negative light. especially thinking about how rich they are and how much they spend on things for themselves...

anyway, so that put me in a bad mood all night. i barely even said anything. i wish i could just shrug it off and tell myself that not all people are the gift-giving type. but it hurts inside. i don't know why - i mean, i don't spend anything on them. i might have in the past, but now that i see things more clearly, i just won't do it. this isn't just aimed at them, but in general too...like, for friends who never get me anything. i have this chip on my shoulder because i feel like people have taken advantage of my generosity in the past. not that it's easy for me to control myself when it comes to gift-giving. it's just something i have to do now...because i know that this little part of me ends up feeling hurt when my birthday or whatever comes around and i don't get shit. that's a real sore spot for me. i'll save the long version for another day. posted at 12:22 AM |  

been feeling sluggish and frustrated...the usual, i suppose. nothing's really clicking for me right now. not sure what to do.

going to go meet with an old professor on friday. i hope she can find something for me...

what's annoying me right now is that i feel like i don't have any real skills. like, if someone were to ask me what types of things i can do, i wouldn't know what to say. i'm willing to learn whatever i need to, but i don't know what that is right now. posted at 3:59 PM |