relax. relate. release.

i get so depressed whenever i talk to my mom now. she makes me want to cry. granted, i am feeling over-emotional today and would probably cry for no reason at all, but she just makes everything ten times worse. she essentially forced me to apply for this job that 1) i'm not interested in at all and 2) am not qualified for at all. and she doesn't understand why i didn't want to apply for it, and she doesn't understand why i see this as a complete waste of time. but i sat here and filled out the stupid application just because i don't want her to be even more pissed at me than she already is. not that she'd have any way of checking whether or not i applied. but i just did it anyway, out of anger really. and i wanted to cry the whole time. but it is better than being nagged constantly. or having to hear her tell other people that i'm being lazy and not applying for jobs that she tells me to apply for, like i'm obligated to do everything she tells me to do...

will someone please fucking hire me already so i don't have to deal with her?

posted at 11:23 PM |

i never heard back from the person who wanted to schedule a phone interview. kind of depressing. i really like what that company does...i'm hoping she just went out of town or something.

anyway...i do have a possibility with this one research group that just got a grant. someone had put me in contact with the head of the group months ago, and he asked for my resume, but then got really busy apparently. i never heard back from him. and i also totally forgot about him. but i contacted him today, and it sounds like he might have something in mind. i just have to send him some references...which is a big chore for me. i don't know who to list. i'm scared to ask anyone at my last job. if i go back further than that...i just don't know if i can expect those people to remember my work. do they need to? what are references asked anyway?

posted at 6:44 PM |

i am really upset to hear that the guy shot in london apparently had nothing to do with the bombings. i was worried about this when i first heard about it, and i was right. how can you just shoot a guy based on the fact that he looks south asian and is wearing a big coat? i understand that they didn't want him to set off any explosives he might have had on him, but uh, how about handcuffing him? or just knocking him out?

posted at 11:49 AM |

been in a weird mood tonight...hard to explain it though. i think it's just one of those hormonal things. missing a period always seems to screw up my whole system...my skin looks terrible too. i started to break out last week when i was sick, and it's only gotten worse since then. add allergies into the mix. along with the usual screwy sleep schedule determined by upstairs girl's use of the bathroom sink. i look bad, i feel bad, and i didn't do half of what i thought i'd do this week...*sigh*...life just sucks right now.

posted at 1:40 AM |

i hate it when someone asks what time they can call for a phone interview, and then i never get any confirmation from them. so i end up sitting here, waiting for a phone call that may or may not come. if she was going to call today, would she have emailed by now to let me know? or will she just call anytime because i said anytime this afternoon would be ok? so confusing!

another thing that's confusing: trying to edit my saved searches on hotjobs. i've been fiddling with them for an hour now, and they just get more and more screwed up...one search actually turned up a hundred or so results the first time i tried it. then, i ran it again maybe 10-15 minutes later, and there were no results! zero! i didn't make any changes to it, so i have no idea what went wrong. i just keep creating new ones and deleting old ones - feel like i've been going around in circles. and i still can't figure out if they're all working correctly!

oh, and i meant to spend all day today cleaning my apartment. somehow it slipped my mind until just now. why do i constantly feel like i have a millions things to do and not enough time to do them?? i need to start making lists...seriously...

posted at 3:58 PM |

been feeling really upset and depressed about that last job. but, i'm trying to channel all that into constructive energy - to apply for more jobs. not much else i can do. some people just suck. life goes on.

posted at 7:19 PM |

my first email didn't do any good, so then i sent a second (and angrier) email. which also didn't do any good.

"i understand why you're frustrated" - that's what the guy said. bullshit. how can he possibly understand? has he been jobless for 7 months? did he catch a freak virus at the worst possible time and lose a job because of that?

i am just so upset right now...how could this have happened???

posted at 3:49 PM |

bad news...i just got an email from the company i was supposed to start working for. they took back the offer, citing the difficulties in scheduling a training session for me because i lived too far from the office. which is total bullshit. i'm so fucking upset right now...i wrote back and explained, once again, that the *only* reason i did not make the training session was because i had a fucking fever and was too sick. even if lived one block away from their fucking office, i wouldn't have gone in that day. it's just not right of them to take back their offer like that. how can they do that? is that even legal? to officially offer someone a job, and then take it back a week later? fuck them.

posted at 1:01 PM |

i'm feeling better today...the fever's gone at least. i never heard back about the training...i hope they have another session soon so i can get started.

anyway...i've been kind of worried about sean for the past week or so . i emailed him on his birthday last weekend, but when he replied...i just got the sense that something was wrong. so i wrote him back...and waited...he finally wrote back today and confirmed that things aren't going very well. but, i don't know any details...and i wish i didn't care...but, i do. can't help but want to reach out to him and let him know that i'm here. even though i've told myself that i wouldn't do that again...it's just hard to stay detached.

posted at 1:12 AM |

i ended up falling sick last night, so i didn't make it in to the training today...i hope they're not upset about it. i was feverish and miserable pretty much all night, and i still have a little bit of a fever now...it sucks...

anyway, i didn't have the phone number for the person who was supposed to train me, so i just sent her an email early this morning. haven't heard back from her though...i hope she got it.

*sigh*...why did i have to fall sick today of all days?

posted at 4:51 PM |

someone in my building started doing laundry at 2:45 am last night. even though there is a clear sign in there saying not to do laundry after 11 pm. i find things like that sooooo irritating. (my bedroom is adjacent to the laundry room.)

anyway...i have to go for my training tomorrow. driving during rush hour is going to suck. i'm so not used to long drives...i don't know how people do it everyday.

posted at 5:36 PM |

looks like i have another mouse. found some mouse poop in the pantry this time. great - one more thing for me to clean out.

i hate mice. i wish they would leave me alone.

time to set up more traps.

posted at 5:24 PM |

every now and then, i'll have this dream involving sean...the specific situations that take place in the dreams are different, but they're all basically the same dream: starts out good, we're friends...then sean will say or do something that really hurts me and/or pisses me off. then i wake up thinking what an asshole he is.

then, after a few seconds, i realize it was a dream.

but then i think, damn, he must really be an asshole for it to sink that deep into my subconscious...

more likely analysis is that i'm still holding a grudge or whatever. actually, 'grudge' isn't the right word to describe it. but...you know what i mean. lots of unresolved bad feelings still lingering around somewhere inside...i wonder when they'll go away. if they'll go away...

posted at 6:02 PM |

so i got that freelance job. have to go back there for training sometime this week...sort of dreading the drive. especially because my car is starting to worry me. but, i'll deal...

i feel 90% good about my decision. trying to block out other people's thoughts and focus on what feels right for me. i'm giving up some money, but hopefully, in doing so, i will be able to find a good job that i actually like...

posted at 3:43 PM |

bad day today...i just feel really upset about a lot of things. i don't even know how to explain what is bothering me half the time...i am just so sick and tired of people making me feel like i went into "the wrong field" - what the fuck is that supposed to mean? just because it's hard for an inexperienced person like me to find a job in this field, that makes it "wrong" or "bad" or "a mistake" - does that make any sense? i can't tell you how much it hurts to hear that. and then people (namely, my mom and various other relatives) will tell me to get an MBA, because apparently that will automatically make me rich and happy somehow. nevermind the fact that, for the hundredth time, i have absolutely no interest in business or marketing or any of that crap.

i just hate that they don't understand the concept of doing something that you are interested in and have some talent or affinity for. to them, it's all about being successful and making money. and it just makes me want to scream. (though usually, i just end up crying instead.)

anyway...aside from all that, i've been so distracted the past month or so that i totally forgot to sign up for this class that i wanted to take. i really think it would have helped...but it's too late now. i have to wait until september for the next one to start. so i'm kind of beating myself up over that. must get more organized...

posted at 12:12 AM |

i was in a semi-good mood after the interview...felt relieved, etc...but of course, my mom had to go and ruin everything...she just has a way of making me feel like crap. i mean, i thought she'd be happy that i had made *some* progress with the job search, but no...

she thinks i should take the full time office job because, in her words, no one else will give me a job. and i won't get a higher salary - ever.

honestly, i think my reasoning is sound for not wanting the office job. it is really similar to my last job, minus the one thing i actually liked doing there. in other words, i don't see it as a step forward. it is more of a step sideways. backwards, even. and i just don't see it leading to better things...not at this company, or anywhere else.

and - maybe i'm just being unrealistically optimistic - but i do think someone out there will hire me for a better job. at least, a job that is more interesting. and i do think that eventually...with more skills and experience...i will get a good salary. maybe not as high as my mom would like, maybe not as high as a lot of my friends and relatives, but good enough for me. without having to put in 60+ hour weeks.

i just wish that she would have some faith in me, instead of making me feel like i'm not good enough. that i'm not doing enough. that everyone else in the world has got their shit together and i don't.

i'm trying. that's all i can do. i've made mistakes, i admit that. but i'm doing the best i can, and i will figure something out in time. but a little patience and support would help in the meanwhile. and by support, i don't mean monetarily. i've never asked her for money...in fact, i even GAVE her a bunch of money after i had quit...funny how soon one forgets...

i just want her to listen to me and to support my decisions. why is that so much to ask for?

posted at 12:27 AM |

i think the interview went pretty well...the drive was really long though. seemed like it took forever to reach there. and longer to get back.

they gave me a couple different options for projects to work on...and i asked them about working in the office vs. working from home, but i didn't really get a good idea of what additional things i would be doing in the office. didn't sound like anything interesting though. he specifically said i would not be doing any design work. most likely QA stuff. which is ok - i mean, i don't mind doing it...but at the same time, it's not something that would be very interesting or useful in terms of my career, you know? on top of that, there's only 4 people in the office. so it's not like a great place to socialize. and did i mention how far it is? i hate driving...

so i think i'd prefer to work from home. i picked the project that was more interesting to me and spoke with the person who works on that project. will probably find out for sure next week, but i think the prospects look good. (*fingers crossed*)

i just don't know if it's a good idea to pass on the nice salary for the full-time, in the office job.

posted at 4:55 PM |

my allergies are really bothering me today...i hate it. to make matters worse, i accidentally bought regular puffs instead of puffs plus - big difference. when you get used to really soft tissues, it is hard to use anything else...

i think after dinner i'll take something to knock myself out. ooh, maybe then i won't be lying awake from 3 - 4 am wondering what the hell upstairs girl is doing at her sink...sometimes it sounds like she's washing clothes in her sink. but every night?? i don't know...

posted at 6:02 PM |

i get more and more confused about this job the more i talk to people about it. everyone says i should choose to work in their office. and i agree in a way...but...looking over the job description...it's not really what i want to do. it's very similar to what i was doing at my last job actually (item-writing), which is why i'm so qualified for it. but it doesn't seem very interesting...and it's definitely not something i'd apply for if i wasn't so desperate. in other words, it's perfect for something to do at home when i'm between-jobs. so if i have the option of doing it from home, with totally flexible hours...shouldn't i take that option? (i wouldn't get benefits either way.)

i guess salary might be a factor...but i'd also have to figure out where i'm going to live, how much rent i'll pay there, and take into account cost of gas...*sigh*...all this for a job that might only last 6 months?

first things first - i have to get through the interview before any of this matters. don't mean to get ahead of myself...

posted at 7:37 PM |

i've had a huge headache since last night...won't go away...i think it's due more to a screwy sleep schedule than to the fireworks...

anyway, i have an interview this friday! yay! it's in san jose, so that kinda sucks, but the guy i spoke with on the phone seems really nice. and it also seems like they have a lot of work, which is a good thing. i can choose between doing freelance work from home, or working full time at their office. kind of debating right now - not sure what i want. the work from the office seems like it would be more interesting. but if i freelance, i won't have to move (or make the long commute). i'm sort of torn...especially because i don't know if they'll keep me on after this particular project is done (6-9 months).

uh, maybe i should actually make it through the interview and get offered a job before i start contemplating all this?...although, i should probably know my preference before the interview...

decisions, decisions...

posted at 11:38 AM |

upstairs girls are really starting to annoy me. they use the bathroom sink pretty much continuously from 3 am to 4 am every single freakin night. and if that's not bad enough, they also woke me up at 6 am this morning, when it was being used again. so i got a whole 2 hours of continuous sleep last night.

but other that that, i don't hear them at all.

posted at 12:33 PM |

i have this tendency to get really quiet sometimes, and i know i need to work on that...but what pisses me off is when people i don't know bring it to the attention of everyone else in the room. it just makes me so self-conscious about the fact that i am being quiet, which in turn makes me even quieter! oh, and i especially hate it when someone says something like "do you talk?" - i mean, can't they think of a nicer way to get me into the conversation? because how the hell am i supposed to reply to that without feeling totally awkward? then she made it worse by saying "you still haven't said anything!" - so of course, everyone looked at me and was waiting for me to say something. but what the hell do i say when that happens? someone, tell me!

i was quiet because this post-doc was talking about research on enzymes or some shit like that, and my mind just totally wandered off because i had absolutely no interest in the damn topic. and i just didn't have anything to add to it.

ugggh. i just get so frustrated when i'm in that type of situation.

posted at 2:18 AM |

i haven't applied for any jobs this week...and i haven't done any of the cleaning that i meant to do. it's been one of those really unproductive weeks in general...although, i did do a lot of work on my dad's website, which i told him i'd do months ago but kept forgetting...it still needs some work, but it's much improved, i think...just doesn't look quite as professional as i would like it to look. since i'm not a professional and don't really know what i'm doing...

the editing is done for his cookbook...as much as they had time to do anyway. there's probably a bunch of mistakes still in there. i wish that he had asked me to help...i would have really liked to contribute. not that my dad's a bad writer, but even though his spoken english is really good, his writing is a little off sometimes...i feel like i could have helped. especially because the editor he worked with wasn't very good or knowledgeable. in general, we're unhappy with a bunch of the decisions that the publisher made (title, cover, etc.), so...it's frustrating. even for me. not much that can be done about it now though.

posted at 3:47 PM |