you know what i really like about this job? i get asked the question "what do you think?" - my manager actually wants to know my opinion! it makes me feel good...so totally opposite of how i felt at my last job. posted at 5:37 PM |  

it's strange seeing all the coverage of the destruction in and around new orleans, and then comparing that to how little coverage there was of the floods in bombay recently. i understand - different country and all. but it amazes me that people are so devastated to hear the death toll of about 100 right now - when well over 1000 people died over there and we barely heard a 5-second blurb about it during the weather forecast, if we were lucky. even the idiot indian weather woman on our local news made light of it, as though it were a typical monsoon season thing (it clearly wasn't).

and then you've got people comparing katrina to the tsunami! unbelievable. yes, i see things are totally destroyed down there, and yes, it's really sad, but come on... posted at 11:19 PM |  

so i went to a new dentist this morning - a cheap one, since i don't have insurance. and i told her about that tooth that's been bothering me for 6+ months now. i was convinced there must be a cavity there by now, but she didn't see anything in the x-ray. so then she decided to sort of grind off the tip of the tooth - because she thought i was biting down too hard on it. and i let her do it...but now that i think about it, i don't think that'll solve the problem. because i can pinpoint the exact spot where i have pain (it's near my gum), and i really don't see how making the tooth a little shorter is going to help. it just feels even weirder now, to be honest. i'll wait and see i guess...it is possible i was putting too much pressure on the tooth. but my gut still tells me it's either cracked or chipped a little bit.

anyway, i won't be going back there again. it was pretty ghetto, considering it was in a nice/somewhat rich neighborhood. posted at 1:25 PM |  

frustrated with some little work-related things...went to the office today and copied my files to the mac there, and when i opened them, a few things were totally screwed up. they looked fine on my pc, but apparently there's something in there that shows up differently on the mac. i don't know what they want me to do about it...i think it has to do with spaces and/or tabs. and i have no way of telling if what i did in my attempt to fix the problem has actually fixed the problem, because i don't have a mac to test it on. (and no, i don't want to go back to the office tomorrow to do that)

anyway...new upstairs guy is loud. have i mentioned that? i'm not happy about this. i'd rather have those girls who used the bathroom sink for hours in the middle of the night than these guys who are making noise pretty much all the time. this is going to suck. posted at 10:53 PM |  

was about ready to go to bed about 15-20 minutes ago...started brushing my teeth and heard upstairs guy going up the stairs. i was hoping to be fast asleep before he came home! crap. so now he's taking a shower and i don't know if i should go to bed and attempt to sleep through it, or if i'll just end up tossing and turning and getting more and more annoyed...

aaarrrrgggh. this is so irritating. posted at 12:50 AM |  

i have new upstairs neighbors...*groan*...they're guys, and they're students, and so of course, they're loud and stay up late.

i haven't spoken to them yet, so i don't know if they'll be considerate or if they'll think i'm a crazy bitch. but, i wasn't able to fall asleep until past 3 am last night. and that doesn't bode well.

anyway, i got really upset about it and stressed out because i knew i had to get up really early today...and i was so tired last night to begin with!

i was yawning all through the meeting. it's embarrassing... posted at 4:57 PM |  

have a question about wedding etiquette. i've only been to hindu or sikh weddings so far, and pretty much all of them were relatives, so excuse me for being totally clueless - i've just never had to RSVP before. (except once for one wedding that i could not attend)

anyway, so first of all...on the RSVP card, they've listed fish, chicken, beef, and vegetarian, with little blank spaces next to them. does that mean i have to choose which one i want to eat? or do i put a check next to all the ones i am willing to eat? there's no description or anything, so i'm confused.

second matter: "number of persons" - i don't have a date. and i can't think of anyone to ask right now. is it weird to go without a date? is it weird to bring a female friend? should i put down 2 just in case, even though it will likely be just 1 (me)? or is that wrong?

i think a few college acquaintences will be there...and i'm hoping she has me sit with them. but i think all of them will have dates. damn those big tech companies! i swear, all these people do is socialize. i mean, yeah they work 60+ hours a week. but they all do shit together for fun. and in the process, they all end up dating co-workers!

sorry, got a little side-tracked. i don't envy what they do for a living, but i envy that they have lives through work. it's so much easier that way... posted at 10:53 PM |  

missed my train by like 5 seconds this morning...showed up to the meeting 15 minutes late. my stupid watch was 2 minutes slow...but really, it was my fault. i was moving too slow in the morning...i'll try to be faster tomorrow. i should probably look at the shuttle schedule too, instead of walking to bart. that should save me 10 minutes or so.

anyway, i didn't say a word during the meeting. and i feel self-conscious of that...like, i should attempt to contribute, but i just don't know what to say. my honest opinion...the lesson is a mess right now. it's just the first draft though, so it'll get changed a few more times...but going through it today gave me a headache. and we didn't even get half way through.

what made it worse...everyone there is apparently on a diet, so they had ordered some no carb lunch for us all. and i seriously don't know how they do it. i need my carbs. i was dying for some bread. could not concentrate at all after "lunch" because i felt like i hadn't eaten anything! definitely need to bring a snack tomorrow. posted at 5:52 PM |  

have to go to a meeting tomorrow morning...getting up early sucks...

i need to figure out what to wear. i feel like i have no decent clothes. not for summer anyway. i bought a new shirt a couple weeks ago, and i almost wore it to a meeting last week, but decided at the last minute to wear something else. anyway, when i showed up at the office, my manager was wearing the exact same shirt! (not the one i was wearing, the one i just bought) so i can't wear that shirt to work. i'd feel weird. especially if we were both wearing it on the same day. that was a really close call.

i hate it when i see other people wearing clothes that i have - because it almost always looks better on them than it does on me. posted at 5:19 PM |  

this working from home thing is going to require a lot more organization on my part. both in terms of my workspace (currently i have papers scattered all over the place and no desk room), and my work schedule (giving myself some mini-deadlines to ensure that i make the actual deadline). and yes, i should have thought of all that before i actually started working...i'm just a mess.

need to buy: folders, paper clips, post-its, and something to hold papers in separate compartments. whatever that thing is called.

and i need to clean my room so i have space to keep all of that.

and i still have to make sure i do enough actual work everyday. i probably still need to put in a few more hours tonight...but what's nice is that it's the type of work that makes time fly, you know? i can work for a few hours straight without even realizing it. posted at 7:09 PM |  

i'm going to preface this by saying, i know i need to let go and forget that last hell-hole i worked at, but...i just couldn't help myself. see, i found out about this website where i can look up salaries at non-profits. so i just had to look them up. and guess what? the bitch was making about $30,000 MORE than i was. isn't that INSANE? i can't get over it. i'm really glad i slacked off so much towards the end - because they didn't deserve more work from me considering how little i was being paid in comparison. seriously...i assumed that she was making about $10-15,000 more than me. tops.

they were totally taking advantage of me, weren't they? it seems like she got a raise last year, while i didn't (even though it was promised to me twice).

oh well. i really shouldn't dwell on it. i'm just so glad i'm out of there. and i hope karma bites them all in the ass. posted at 11:19 PM |  

making progress with work...though the person i emailed for help didn't reply (i guess she wasn't in the office today). so it took me a really long time to figure out how to do certain things. and i'm a perfectionist, so i'd get really frustrated when little things didn't line up properly...

other than that, i guess i just have a hard time making decisions on my own. especially when i'm new. i go back and forth on every little thing...wish i could ask other people what they think. i know i should trust my own judgement, but it's hard to do that when i'm just starting out. on the other hand, i don't think they'll like it if i ask about too many little things - because i should be able to figure out what would work best.

anyway...it'll all get easier in time. posted at 8:15 PM |  

i meant to actually start doing some work this weekend, but i didn't do much. and what i did do, i will probably have to re-do. because i was doing it more to get the hang of how to use the software (inDesign) and probably fucked some things up in the process.

it's hard to just start using new software on your own without first sitting with someone who can explain how to do common things. maybe i should work in the office this week? so i can bother people every 2 minutes?

i'll see how things go tomorrow...maybe send email when i get stuck. it's just a little scary to make major changes to something when i don't really know what i'm doing.

oh, and i take back what i said before about the quality of their work. because what i was looking at was a much earlier draft, and they go through several revisions...they're constantly getting feedback and improving things...or at least trying to. i think the main problems are that 1) teachers are writing the lessons (no offense to teachers, but from my experiences, they're better at talking than writing), and 2) too many non-math people are working on the graphics and layout. so then someone like me has to go in and fix those things so they make sense mathematically and pedagogically. which means there's a lot of wasted time in between. but anyway. i think once i get the hang of things, this might even be a little fun for me. posted at 11:23 PM |  

i feel somewhat pathetic, but i'm upset about big brother again - the HOH competition in particular. not good. i know it's just a game, but i would hate to see every person i was rooting for get kicked off. posted at 12:39 AM |  

i've cut down on going to the movies a lot this year, and i was just reminded why tonight. it's because there are so few good movies that are actually worth the price of the damn ticket these days. and it's so annoying when you go see a movie, and then come out feeling like it wasn't worth the $9 or whatever that you paid to watch it.

i'm trying to think back to the last time i saw a movie in a theater and was glad i did. it's been a long, long time, i can tell you that. and it's pretty sad that i can't remember.

edited to add: i think it was the motorcycle diaries. which was worth the cost of admission because of 1) gael garcia bernal and 2) the beautiful scenery. posted at 11:51 PM |  

feels like i haven't blogged in a long time...didn't mean to disappear. just getting settled with work and stuff. and also my aunt was visiting from india, so i was doing stuff with her sometimes.

anyway...let's see. got a few topics to write about:

work. it's fine so far. and the people seem nice. actually i haven't started doing much yet. i was finally given something concrete to do today...which should keep me occupied for the next few weeks. i have some more meetings to go to in sf next week. other than that, i should be at home most of the time. assuming everything works fine on my computer. if not, then it's back to redwood city on monday. and that would suck because of the...

driving. luckily i've been able to avoid driving during rush hour so far, but it still takes a good 45 minutes from my mom's place. it's fine once in a while. what really bothers me is how damn bumpy some of the roads are - the san mateo bridge (coming back especially) and some parts of 101 give me a headache. as soon as i get on that smooth surface after the bridge ends, it feels so nice...but anyway. with all this driving, i'm starting to have a lot of bad dreams involving car crashes. practically every night. last night i actually tried to slam on the brakes while asleep. woke up with my foot hitting nothing and me thinking i was on the verge of death. it's getting really annoying.

big brother. so i've been watching big brother this summer - this is the first season that i've watched so thoroughly (i think i only missed some of the saturday episodes). anyway, i was really upset about kaysar geting kicked out (again). but i'm so glad janelle won HOH. i don't know why i take it so personally though - like, i really hate jen now. i hate how she tries to rationalize what she did. i don't even think she believes what she's saying...anyway, i just hope either janelle, howie, or rachel manages to win. though numbers-wise, it doesn't seem very likely right now. posted at 1:33 PM |  

i left work early again...they won't have anything for me to do until thursday. i don't quite understand why i had to go in both friday and today...it's annoying having to go all the way there just for a couple hours...pay the $3 toll, not to mention gas, which is insanely expensive right now. and waste close to 2 hours in the car driving.

sorry, i don't mean to complain. i just wish they were a bit more organized. posted at 3:56 PM |  

didn't do much at work today...just had to download and install some software. which took a lot longer than it should have, but i still left pretty early. it was kinda pointless for me to go in today actually. but, whatever. no big deal.

i'm tired. so glad i get to sleep in tomorrow. posted at 12:00 AM |  

back from the meeting...i was super quiet and didn't say much (if anything). i'm just too damn quiet for my own good sometimes. but i got a general idea of what i'll be doing - not right away, but in a couple weeks or so. gotta go to the redwood city office tomorrow and get set up. they really want me to work on my laptop, but i don't think they understand the shape it's in. i seriously can't imagine using that thing all day. i rarely turn it on for more than an hour or two at a time (it tends to overheat)...plus, it's insanely slow. anyway...i'll take it with me, but i'm hoping they can let me use one of their macs instead.

overall...i'm a little disappointed in the quality of their work. i'm so used to re-writing every sentence, you know? so i felt like doing that today as we were going through some lessons. i'm just very picky about how math is explained. because i need everything to be mathematically correct, but at the same time, clear enough for a mathematically-challenged student to understand. but even i got lost reading through some of their lessons. and this is pre-algebra! for remedial students! i just didn't feel like it would be appropriate to criticize their stuff on my first day...i'm sure i'll give them more input later, or when i'm working on my own and feel free to make changes.

don't get me wrong - it's not horrible...and not as bad as some stuff at my last job...but i just feel like i can do something better. i don't know if i just have a big ego when it comes to this stuff or what...i just have this desire to work on a project of really high quality someday. or start my own...basically, i want more power. more say in what it should be like - what stays, what goes, what gets changed...*sigh*...someday... posted at 5:23 PM |  

it's getting so hard to write about the things i really want to write about - i feel like i barely scraped the surface the last time i attempted to do so.

sometimes, i just can't find the words. other times...i have words, but can't get them out. certain topics are just too involved and private even for this blog.

anyway...what i can say is that i'm just so sick and tired of people trying to give me career advice. yes, i'm aware of the fact that this new job is not very stable or good or interesting. yes, i will keep looking for something better. yes, i will look at jobs in other fields. why does everyone keep bringing up the subject? to make me regret all the choices i have made over the past 6-8 years? to remind myself of how fucking confused i am? to depress me even more? i am seriously trying to talk about this new job as little as possible because i don't want to hear all the commentary...

fact is, i just want some peace for a few months. i really, really, really need a break from the job search. and i know i would be good at this particular job, even if it is a bit boring. so i don't really care if it's short term or if it's not a good "career move" or whatever - i just need to not think (and worry) about my future for a little while. which would be much easier to do if other people didn't keep bringing it up! posted at 1:38 AM |  

i thought i was supposed to get my contract today, but they only sent me copies of some of the work they've done so far...kind of strange. i guess i'll get the contract on thursday. posted at 10:47 AM |  

so...i got the job. i don't know the exact details yet though...should be getting the contract in the mail soon. i was a little confused because the first person i interviewed with told me i'd get a 2-month contract first, and then after that (assuming all goes well) a regular 6-month contract. but then i spoke with the head of the department, and he said they'd give me a contract for 2 weeks first, rather than 2 months. and i assumed that he had final say in the matter. but i don't know what they ultimately decided...i did speak to someone on the phone today about it, but i'm not sure if she said "up to september" or "up through september" (not that it matters much).

anyway, i start thursday. and the pay is more than i was making before, so i can't complain about that - though i'm assuming i won't get any benefits. and i'm also assuming i'd get a 1099 instead of a W2...which would mean paying more taxes, i think. i really don't know much about all that. i just figure i don't have a choice in the matter, so i'm thankful for whatever i get. posted at 9:13 PM |  

i think the interview went pretty well. the job itself is more like graphic design work than anything else...i'd basically be doing layouts for some print material that'll be used by algebra students. but the people seem nice, and i think it would be a good place to work. it sounded like they were going to give me a 2 week trial period, and then if that goes well, a 6-month contract (which may get renewed for another 6 months after that depending on their budget and the amount of work they have). the office is in the south bay, but after the first few weeks, they said i could probably work from home and just go in about once a week. so that would be alright. i'll have more info early next week. they're contacting my references today (groan). posted at 3:14 PM |  

i've been finding it hard to blog lately...i mean, i can write about stupid things, but i feel like i've been avoiding the more meaty stuff.

career-wise...i'm just so confused about what i want to do. i thought i knew at one point, but now i don't have a clue. sometimes, i really want to do something i care about, something meaningful...but other times, i think maybe i should just get a boring job, one that doesn't involve a lot of actual work or thinking...just because i'm getting increasingly lazy and that type of job might actually suit me a lot better. the only thing is, i'd feel embarrassed in a way - because i always thought i'd be doing something important, something impressive. i'd probably be disappointing a lot of people - myself included. on the other hand...life is so difficult as it is, so why not just find an "easy" job? i don't know if i'll be happy either way. and it's depressing to think about it.

onto the family. they're all driving me nuts. my mom, i am trying my best to ignore because i know she's on medication and it's making her a bit nuts. but then i have all these other relatives who are essentially planning my wedding already - never mind the fact that THERE IS NO GUY. i just don't understand why there is such a rush for me to get married. i am really content with the idea of waiting - as long as it takes. maybe i'll change my mind in 5 years or so. but i don't feel the need now. and i'm just so tired of having to explain that to people who don't want to accept it. in general, i am sick of other people telling me how i should live my life. it can be really...suffocating. i don't know how else to describe it.

finally...sean. i am genuinely concerned about him. and i'm aware that that has always been my downfall. but now i'm just like, why do i bother? i felt like something was wrong, so i had sent him an email a while back just asking how he was. he never replied, and i hadn't seen him on IM in a long time. finally, i did see him on yesterday, so i again asked how he was. and he never replied to the IM either. if he doesn't want to talk, fine. just say so. but i absolutely hate being ignored. it's rude and it pisses me off. so i'm done being the concerned friend for now. he'll get through whatever it is on his own. posted at 4:00 PM |  

it seems like half of campus is boarded up or fenced out due to construction. which is really annoying, because it takes me twice as long to get anywhere using the detours...

anyway. i'm annoyed with my eyebrows again. before the lady started working on them, she said "you're left one is much thinner than your right one" - blaming me, as though i had done this. i wanted to say "that's how they were when i walked out of here the last time you did them" - i had noticed it back then, but i didn't like the thin part and i didn't want her to make my right one thin to match. i just figured i'd grow out the left one. but the hair just never grew back - eyebrows are funny like that.

anyway, i just kept quiet about the fact that it was her fault and told her that i was trying to grow out the left one. she said she'd fix them. and i believed her. but no...the right one is still way thicker than the left one. and what's worse - it's also shorter. they both look ridiculous...

i need to find an eyebrow lady who actually knows what she's doing. posted at 5:30 PM |  

i have the most random people on my list of references. one of them, i just emailed today out of desperation, because i didn't know who else to ask. anyway, i'm not sure about his reply - i mean, he wrote "Yes" - but that's all that was in the email. one word. some people will say "sure" or "of course you can" and they'll wish me good luck, etc. so it actually sounds like they're happy to help me out. but this "Yes" response seems strange. maybe i'm reading too much into it. i don't know. i feel like i shouldn't have asked him now. i mean, he doesn't really know me. he's familiar with some work i did at my last job, and we emailed now and then when i was still working there, but there's really not much he can say about me. i just thought...well, i thought he'd be a little more "recent" in comparison to some other people i was considering.

anyway. is it weird if i just list the names and email addresses? because i don't have any other contact information. none of them included any in their email responses...it's so annoying. i hate dealing with references!!! posted at 6:20 PM |  

one more thing: it's very annoying when the person interviewing me knows my ex-boss. i get really paranoid that they'll call him up and ask about me, and that he'll say something bad just because he's pissed off at me for quitting.

on the other hand, they might also know how difficult a person he is.

either way, it's just awkward. posted at 1:47 PM |  

had a mini phone interview this morning (with the research group i mentioned earlier). it was funny, because i had a dream that i had missed the phone interview and instead driven to their office in the south bay (without any directions or an address). and when i reached the office, that's when i remembered the phone interview. but it was already too late. so i turned around before going into the office, and then tons of weird stuff happened. but, i digress...

she didn't really ask me much over the phone...just gave me a brief description of the job and asked if i'd come down to the office so she could show me what they're doing. so, i'm going down there on friday. the one thing i'm concerned about is that she said the contract would be anywhere from 2 months to 8 months. i hope she'll have a better idea after meeting with me, because i don't want to move to the south bay just for a 2 month job... posted at 11:18 AM |