i caught damien rice on austin city limits tonight...loved it. i don't think i've ever seen him before. and it's weird these days, to listen to someone's music and not know what the singer looks like, just because so many musicians are all over tv or whatever. anyway, he looked nothing like i imagined he would, but i liked his music even more as i watched him sing it. posted at 1:52 AM |  

shopping was very unsuccessful today. it's so frustrating. it's always been hard for me to find clothes that fit, but it's a lot worse now that i have this belly. yeah, i know i can go to a tailor, but it's just hard for me to tell what can be easily altered and still look good. and i hate having to essentially pay twice the amount for a piece of clothing. and i don't have the time now anyway.

it's a bit sad that i'm more stressed out about finding something to wear to the interview than i am about the actual interview itself. posted at 1:00 AM |  

feeling so tired and lazy today...like i'm moving in slow motion. just completely out of it...

i need to go shopping. i have no idea what i'm going to wear to the interview. i say that everytime, right? but now i've gained weight and nothing i own looks right. actually, i haven't gained weight - at most 1 or 2 pounds in the past year - but i think the fat has moved to different places. if that makes any sense. posted at 2:55 PM |  

i'm hating my eyebrows again. i actually liked them last month, but the lady who did them last time was busy today and i got stuck with pointy-arches lady. i told her that i don't like them pointy, so she toned it down a bit, but they're still pretty pointy-looking to me. anyway, due to the particular shape she gave, i can't fix them myself. so...just gotta grow them out again. or maybe get a haircut. my bangs are really screwy right now, but if i get them cut maybe i could just cover up my eyebrows that way... posted at 6:59 PM |  

a little green cushion has mysteriously appeared in my balcony. it's not mine, and i have no idea how it got there. as far as i know, the only creature that has access to my balcony is my neighbor's cat. it likes to hang out there for some reason. maybe it wanted something soft to sit on?

anyway, i just hope no one asks for this cushion back. if you'll recall, i can't open my balcony door. it's stuck. so my balcony is dirty and filled with leaves and other crap...and now, a green cushion too. posted at 2:14 PM |  

ok, he just wrote back. i feel better now - he still wants me to come in on monday. they've just been really busy and a lot people won't be in next week...but that's ok with me, the less people i have to meet, the less people i'll have to talk to, and the less chance of me sticking my foot in my mouth. posted at 3:08 PM |  

still no word. i emailed the guy i spoke with. hopefully he'll respond by tomorrow. the longer it takes, the more i start to wonder if maybe he interviewed other people after me and thought they were better...*sigh*...

i'm so insecure about these things. i just feel like i'm terrible at speaking - not just in interviews, but in general. i'm good at doing. but i don't think that's the impression i give off when i'm talking. it's frustrating. posted at 2:44 PM |  

i'm getting worried...the guy who interviewed me on the phone was supposed to email me back with directions to the office and also to confirm the time for my interview. i still haven't heard from him though. call me paranoid, but this type of thing has happened to me before. what if he changed his mind???

i think i'll wait until tomorrow morning and if i still haven't heard from him, then i'll email him to see what's going on. i'm just not getting a good feeling right now. posted at 4:18 PM |  

the phone interview went pretty well...it lasted the whole hour, and i was really nervous at times (the hand that i was holding the phone with kept shaking). but i was asked to come in for an in-person interview on monday, so that's a good sign. i'm feeling pretty good about this one...just in terms of the work they are doing and their philosophy. the guy who interviewed me was really nice and kept saying that we were on the same page. also, he seemed to understand me and understand what i wanted in a job. anyway, i'm hoping things go just as well with the other people i'll meet on monday... posted at 3:10 PM |  

i wanted to spend a lot of time today preparing for the phone interview, but i somehow kept putting it off, again and again. i honestly don't even know what i was doing for the past hour and a half...sometimes time just passes by and i don't realize it.

i'm not feeling very optimistic about the chances of me getting the job right now - just because i noticed it was advertised on both monster and hotjobs, and so they've probably gotten hundreds of responses...i always feel like my chances are better with local jobs that are only advertised on craigslist. less people to compete with.

anyway, i better go think up some things to say now. i was told it would take about an hour, and that seems pretty long to me. i'm worried. posted at 12:50 AM |  

i feel like an idiot for allowing my friend to give this guy my email/IM. he's kinda irritating. and yeah, i'll feel like an asshole if he somehow reads this. i just didn't realize that he was so...weird. i met him once, and he told my friend that he was interested or whatever. so then she asked me if she could pass along my email to him. she seemed to think he was nice...i didn't see what the harm could be. i mean, i wasn't really interested, but i also hadn't spoken to him much and didn't know if i'd like him or not...

anyway, so my friend thought IM would be better and told him he could IM me. but god, he is annoying on IM. i'm trying not to be picky, but with his spelling and the way he writes...and his weird jokes that aren't the least bit funny...i just know he's not for me. but i don't know how to let him know that, without being rude. posted at 4:37 PM |  

heard back from one of the companies i applied to! yay! phone interview next week. i hate phone interviews, but it's better than no interviews. posted at 2:57 PM |  

upstairs guys are having another party. they're being insanely loud as usual. i'm praying that they're graduating next month...and getting the hell out of this building. i've given up on the idea of complaining. i'm so tired of it. posted at 12:48 AM |  

i applied for 2 jobs today. not bad, huh? i've woken up and realized that i need a real job. and that it's probably not going to find me. i have to put in more effort. especially during times like this when things are pretty slow with my existing jobs...

i just wish i didn't get so down when i don't hear back from companies i apply to.

and i wish i didn't have so much uncertainty about what type of job i want. sometimes even as i'm applying for a job, i wonder whether it'll actually appeal to me. on one hand, i need experience in general, doing anything even remotely related to my field, or anything that will give me some new skills. but on the other hand, i'm the type of person that needs to feel really motivated at work. (ideally, i want a job that passes the monday morning test. but i think those are pretty hard to come by.) and then there are days i just want any job at a large company in any field, basically just to meet new people. yeah, i know i'm not a people-person at all, but i think i need people around. or, i should need people around.

enough soul-searching for one night. i'm tired. want to try to fall asleep before upstairs guy comes home. posted at 1:22 AM |  

haven't felt like writing much lately...not much to say really. taxes weren't too bad - i got a bit of a headache, yes, but i paid enough in january, so i just had to pay my quarterly estimates...other than that, i made a bit of a mess with an IRA account (transferred money to the wrong one). but what's done is done. i'll worry about it next year. i just wish i wasn't so clueless about these things...

anyway, work's been slow so i stayed at my mom's place for like...5 days. (ahhhh, sleep. i miss you so much.) she's trying to get me to go to this thing for indians under 30. they act like it's all educational and informative...like, to teach us about our culture or whatever. but everyone - including parents who try to get their kids to go to these things - knows full and well what it's really for: to meet potential significant others. why do they even bother to hold lectures and shit? just let everyone go straight to the bar or club, that's where they all end up anyway.

i'm not going. i might have considered it if some friends were going - just to have a reason to spend the weekend in sf and party a bit, not to meet guys. i don't know if i'm just picky or what, but the indian guys i meet tend to be a bit strange and irritating. i know there are some good ones out there, and i may have met a few, but overall...not interested.

(i write this as i IM with one of those guys who i am not interested in who seems to think that i am interested...*rolling my eyes*) posted at 5:39 PM |  

i still gotta deal with my taxes. i just wish my mom would keep her nose out of it. she wants me to write off all this stuff so that i don't have to pay anything, then she tells me i'm stupid for not doing it, even though it's pretty clear that they're not legit deductions. i don't care that "everyone else" does it...i just feel more comfortable going by the rules.

it just annoys me that my mom is so controlling. she's constantly calling me to bug me about it. what's the big difference if i'm going to pay $500 more than she thinks i should? why does it matter to her so much? it's my money. and i won't miss it to be honest. not that small an amount. posted at 2:16 AM |  

so i got to see my cousin on saturday...not really what i would consider quality time though - went to her hotel room and just sat there, watching her pace around, making phone call after phone call, yelling at people, swearing, etc. (there was a lot of drama, but i don't want anyone coming here looking for gossip.) anyway, so she didn't have much time to talk - hell, she didn't even have time to take a shower. later i went to the rehersal, but she was really busy there too. so i was wandering around the arena wondering why it was so easy for me to get in. i mean, shouldn't there be some sort of security? anyway, her life is nuts and i don't know why she does it. she's not even getting paid. granted, she lives with her friend and i'm sure she gets a lot of expensive gifts and stuff from her. but whatever. it ain't worth it. she looked like she was in pretty bad shape...her health hasn't been great, she's on her feet all day, barely eating, and not getting much sleep. she says she's not going on tour again, but i know her life in india is pretty damn stressful as well. which upsets me, because when she left her job in new york, she said it was because she wanted less stress in her life. who knows why she really left. and who knows why she is staying in her current situation. it's pretty fucked up to be honest...

i didn't go to the show. not my thing. watched a couple numbers in rehersal, that was plenty. met this one british girl who was really nice. she was the only white girl there, so i was wondering who she was...i guess they hired her as a dancer to replace one of the indian stars who couldn't come. i though she was really good...very cool, sweet girl. and insanely gorgeous up close.

went back to the hotel after the show was over - a bunch of drunk indian guys were always smoking outside. just gross. my cousin had a few bites of her dinner at like 1:30 AM - while still taking phone calls and swearing and all that. then around 2 she left to go pack all the bags and get ready to fly to LA early the next morning...it's a sucky life. i feel sorry for her, but whenever anyone in the family tries to talk to her about it, she gets very defensive...i understand she doesn't want to be told what to do, but it's clear she's unhappy and just doesn't want to admit it. she doesn't want to hear any "i told you so"-type remarks. i get the impression that something else is going on that she's not telling anyone about...some reason why she won't leave, why she puts up with all this shit. she pretends like it's not that bad, but i know it is...*sigh*...i don't know what's wrong with her. i miss how she used to be. doesn't she? posted at 4:25 PM |  

i'm feeling a little better today. bored though - still no work.

a cousin is coming into town this weekend from india. i hardly got to see her at all when i was there, so i hope we'll be able to spend some time together. though, she's only coming here for a day. her friend is on this indian concert tour. (is it still considered a concert if they all lip sync? at least, i'm assuming they do. i've never been to one of these shows.) anyway, i can just hope that she'll have a little bit of free time and won't have to be running around doing stuff for her friend all day...we'll see. posted at 3:31 PM |  

the sun's actually out today. haven't seen it in a while (like, a month). so i went out for a little walk. i don't feel any better though. i'm just a mess right now. spent the past hour lying in bed under the covers...i'm not sad, i'm not crying...i just don't understand why i feel the way i do about certain things. it's frustrating.

still no work to keep my brain occupied either. i spent a lot of time yesterday cleaning, sorting papers, deleting old email, etc. whatever i could find. i'll probably do some more of that today....it's better than nothing. posted at 3:57 PM |  

it seems like whenever i actually NEED work - to distract me and keep me from dwelling on other crap - i don't have any. i was hoping to get some today...keep checking email...nothing there. it just makes everything ten times worse when i have nothing to keep my mind occupied. posted at 5:00 PM |  

it's actually quiet upstairs, but i think i'm too depressed to sleep. it's not just the money thing. it's a lot of things. i don't know...seems like every week, i find out something new about someone - a friend, an ex-friend, an old acquaintance, whoever - and it just hits me how much they have moved forward in their lives, either in terms of a career or a relationship (or both). and here i am. not making any progress at all. not making any major changes. or even minor changes. and i can't figure out why i'm not driven enough or lucky enough or hard-working enough...to have what they have, or to do the things they have done...and what sucks is, i'm all alone in feeling that way. sometimes i just wish i had someone else around who was in the same boat...so i wouldn't feel like it was just me.

mostly, i just don't want to hear about anyone else being happy until i am happy. i know that's too much to ask for, but it honestly just hurts me right now. posted at 2:43 AM |  

filing taxes is really irritating now. it used to be easy when i was working full time. but now...so complicated. which seems silly because i'm making so much less than i used to. oh, and i have to pay my estimated quarterly taxes too, which sucks. i have a feeling there will be very little money left in the bank after the 15th.

i don't even know if i'll get a refund. not quite sure how all that works. it seems like i should, just because i made so little...i'll have to ask the person who's filing the taxes for me. like i said, it's complicated.

job #1 has really slowed down, and that's put a drastic cut in my monthly income lately. job #2 covers my rent, and maybe my phone/pg&e bills. but not much more. so when job #1 is slow - as it is likely to be for the next 6 months - i probably don't save up anything at all after taxes.

this is depressing. posted at 12:43 AM |