just when i was starting to feel a tiny bit better, i got an email from a friend of mine who's in new york right now. she just got her MBA, is moving to SF to start her fancy job in the fall, and in the meanwhile has all this crazy and exciting stuff planned for the summer. and i am completely envious. i want so much to find something great to do with my life, to feel inspired and energized and...well, like i'm actually doing something, you know? even just for a month or whatever. but 1) i have very little money and need to save whatever i can in case i am out of a job come september , 2) i don't know what it is that i'd like to do, and 3) i'm feeling very "stuck"...don't know exactly how to describe it. it's like, even if #1 and #2 weren't factors, there would still be something in me that was holding me back.

anyway...in this past week, i have found out that an old friend recently got married, that sean is in a serious relationship and doing all this fun stuff, that milly (love ya, but i'm envious of your plans too) is going so many places, and now hearing about this friend and her ridiculously amazing summer...*sigh*...i'm happy for them (well, maybe not sean because i'm still too bitter), but it's made me really depressed at the same time. like i said earlier, i really need something good in my life right now. the hard part is figuring out what i want to do and what i need to do and how to do it. posted at 1:47 AM |  

finally got some work to do. it's not much, but it'll help. free time is not a good thing for me right now.

i slept pretty well last night. hope i can make it two nights in a row - that seems to be a problem. posted at 3:57 PM |  

i'm so bored and restless. also i think my tummy's upset again. i feel like crap in general.

why is it that i have no single friends left? it makes me feel like something's wrong with me. granted, there probably is something wrong with me, but...i don't like to be reminded of that. actually, it would help to have a friend who had the same thing wrong with herself. because then i wouldn't feel like it was so wrong. posted at 10:55 PM |  

still no work. and there's only so much time i can spend cleaning, especially if i'm sleep-deprived. i need something to do...going insane here.

i did get a phone call today about a job. i didn't apply for it - a recruiter found my resume online. it's another contract job, but it pays more than twice as much as i'm getting now. anyway, it's not exactly what i'm looking for, but if they want me, i'm not going to turn down that kind of money. posted at 5:32 PM |  

my plan didn't work out too well...i fell asleep easily, but then something woke me up at 3 am (probably upstairs guy), and i wasn't able to fall asleep at all after that. there were times i came close (after the sun was up), but then i'd snap out of it all of a sudden. it's like my body (or mind) won't let me sleep...i feel like i'm going nuts.

hopefully i'll get some sleep tonight...i should be really, really tired.... posted at 9:39 AM |  

been feeling pretty sucky today. nothing was helping so i turned to my friend vodka. i started pretty early and of course went past my limit so i am about to pass out now. i haven't been this drunk in a loooooong time. i needed it though. and whatever hangover i'll be feeling tomorrow will still feel better than what i was feeling today. posted at 11:14 PM |  

when will i be able to sleep properly again? last night wasn't terribly bad, but i still only got in a few hours. it's like i'm feeling stressed about getting myself to fall asleep now. i read until i felt like i couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, but as soon as the lights were off, i was wide awake. tried to fill my head with frivolous things so i wouldn't think about stuff that bothers me. tried to make myself really calm and relaxed. told myself reassuring things. but...nothing really worked. i don't know what to do... posted at 9:47 AM |  

no work to do so far this week...i hope i get some tomorrow. if not, i'll be going through some "cleaning my apartment like crazy"-therapy. i did the kitchen today. posted at 7:34 PM |  

i don't know what's wrong with me...wasn't able to sleep much last night. my heart was beating so fast, and certain thoughts kept racing around in my head. even when i dozed off for a little bit, those same thoughts would be in my dreams. it was a rough night...

the fast heart beat - i don't know if it's some sort of anxiety-related problem or what. it started thursday night, and i've noticed it on and off since then. i'm going to wait a few days and see if it gets better as i calm down emotionally.

i'm actually fine as long as i keep myself occupied with other things - did a lot of reading, rented some movies, talked on the phone a lot, went shopping, etc. but in moments when i'm alone and don't have anything specific to do - and especially when i go to bed and turn off the lights - that's when it hits really hard. i think there are a lot of bottled up feelings coming out right now. mostly i'm worried about myself.

when i was at my old job, i was completely miserable. so compared to that, the past year and a half has been fine. but the truth is, i've probably been very unhappy the whole time and didn't realize it. does that make sense? i felt like i was fine, but that was probably just because i was comparing it to how i felt when i was still working at my old job. and now i'm realizing that maybe i haven't been as OK as i thought i was. and these past few months in particular, i feel like i've been keeping people at a distance. not a good thing to do, but it seemed to decrease the chance of me getting hurt. but here i am, hurt, and no one did anything to me.

i feel like i'm combining a whole bunch of things into one big mess. it's pretty overwhelming. i'm just concerned that i'm going to keep burying things rather than finding a way to deal with them and heal myself. i used to keep telling myself that it would just take time, but now i'm worried that time isn't enough. i've already spent such a long time waiting to get better, but all that time hasn't seemed to do much good. and whatever good it did do was temporary, because i'm going through the same shit all over again. and i think it's even worse this time. i'm just so scared now, wondering how long i will be like this... posted at 1:31 AM |  

i'm so ridiculously tired right now. tried to take a nap a few times today, but i still couldn't fall asleep. and now i'm trying to stay up so i can sleep at night. oh, and i've also had an upset stomach since last night as well. that's not helping matters.

anyway. there's so much i want to say, but it's hard...i'm so frustrated with myself right now. i just don't want to feel hurt anymore. is that possible? i think i'm way too sensitive. i need thicker skin. i need to be able to accept things and just shrug them off, not get so emotional...

i realize i'm leaving a lot out - bear with me. honestly, it's not a big deal at all, the thing that's got me so crazy. i know it. and that's why i'm so fed up with myself. i'm feeling things that i shouldn't be feeling, you know? but i have no control over this pain...just need to let it pass. posted at 6:39 PM |  

i was a mess last night. more so than i thought. didn't really sleep at all. i'd try to explain it, but i don't quite understand it myself. i was just so confused about what i was feeling and why i was feeling that way. and then i started to feel like i'm so far beyond being "stuck in a rut" that i don't even realize it anymore. and it hurts so much everytime it hits me that time is just passing me by, while other people i know move on and dig themselves out of bouts of unhappiness. they're actually living their lives, while i'm just rotting away. in short, i felt pathetic. i wish i could afford a shrink sometimes. maybe i should buy a self-help book or something. although, i don't know if i'd get anything out of it that i haven't already figured out. i'm not stupid - i know that there are things that i should (or shouldn't) be doing. but, i don't have the self-control that i would need to stick to it...i'm just too weak. and i'm also really scared. posted at 9:42 AM |  

i feel like crap right now. it's been a weird day. not in the sense that weird things happened...i've just been so up and down. yesterday i was kinda down all afternoon...couldn't concentrate much on work. then today i was feeling a lot better - pretty good in fact - for most of the day. saw a sad (but good) movie in the evening. teared up quite a bit at the end (and i don't tear up very easily). but i was still ok. then...came home and...well, stuff got to me. nothing to do with the movie. i don't want to write about it really. but now i just want to curl up into a ball and cry. except i feel like i'm all dried up inside because nothing comes out.

i just need something good in my life. i don't know how else to explain it. posted at 12:37 AM |  

so aside from using weird spellings, there's one more thing that bugs me about that guy - he didn't remember things that i had told him earlier. i hate it when people ask me the same question over and over. or just plain forget really basic things about me. i mean, that doesn't really give me the impression that you're into me. i want a guy who actually listens to me and remembers. is that too much to ask for? i mean, i have no interest in this particular guy, yet i remember things that he told me - things that i didn't even ask him about! i haven't asked him about anything really. i don't care. but i still remember, because frankly it wasn't that long ago.

anyway. switching subjects. my dad got me in touch with this lady who said she could help me find a job, so i met with her today...and well, she's trying to get me to go to all these events so she can introduce me to people. but i don't want to go to these events. they're not even specifically for career networking. and i don't belong to the groups that they are intended for. so i feel weird about showing up...especially if it's going to be a bunch of middle-aged people who are there for some other purpose. and i'm terrible at that stuff in general. and they all cost money. so basically i pay money to feel really awkward and out of place, knowing that i'm not great at socializing and that i'm terrible about asking strangers about jobs, on the off-chance that someone there would know someone who was hiring and that i'd make a good enough impression on this person to actually get a job???

oh, and she also looked at my resume and told me to do all these weird things that i've never seen people do. like, put in "buttons", and to use a serif font. i hate seeing serif fonts in resumes personally, so i'd never really think of doing that. am i the only one who feels that way? and buttons? what the hell? i don't like putting graphics and junk on a resume. i think mine looks neat and clean the way it is, and that is my "style". sorry if it's too boring. thing is, she wants me to make these changes and send it back to her so she can give it to someone. but i don't want to make the changes!!

my point is, i hate it when my parents put me in contact with people like this. yes, they might help me in some ways. but they'll also drive me insane and make me feel forced to do things that i don't want to do... posted at 12:19 AM |  

that weird friend of a friend, the one who kept sending IMs - he's doing it again. he had stopped for a while - and ok, i was on invisible most of last month because i was working a lot. but argh, he's not shutting up now. i think he wants to go out, and i'm trying to find a way to get him to back off...god, this is awkard. i hate having to make up fake excuses. or lie and say "i'm going to bed now" while he is still trying to make me go see fucking nacho libre. dude, i have no desire to see that movie, at all. and even if i did, i wouldn't go with you because you write "tht" instead of "that" - what the hell?!?! again, you only saved one freakin letter! posted at 12:30 AM |  

i get so frustrated with my manager at job #2 sometimes...really nice guy, but it's like, everytime i have a question, i have to ask it at least 2 or 3 times because he never answers clearly. he's not a native english speaker, but i don't even think that's the real problem. i'm not sure what the problem is. i try to be as specific as possible whenever i email him a question (i've given up on trying to understand him over the phone), but he still replies in the most confusing way.

here's an example.
me: should i change the file names so that they follow our convention? for example, should (file) be changed to (file)?
him: no, the file names should follow our convention.

now, i have to figure out if the "no" was supposed to be a "yes" or if the files are already named correctly and i should not change them.

there have been worse examples than this, but you get the idea. i've gotten to the point where i just try to do what i think is right, and if it's wrong i figure he'll fix it later. posted at 6:48 PM |  

i seem to be going through one of those phases again, where i keep myself up as late as possible just to make sure i'm really tired before i go to bed, so i don't lie there for hours, tossing and turning, thinking about all the things that depress me and upset me and confuse me.

there was a time i felt like i was starting to get better - that i was "over" certain things (or at least in the process of getting over them), but the past 2-3 months, i feel like i've regressed. last night i started to think that i wanted to move away again - as in, out of the bay area. possibly out of california. i tend to want to move whenever i am uphappy. like i can run away from something that isn't even here. like i'll be different if i just get out of here...like my life would somehow be better...since i was a kid, i've always had this idea of wanting a "fresh start" - that the grass would be greener, etc. funny how some things don't change. posted at 1:57 PM |  

remember that green cushion that mysteriously appeared on my balcony? well, now it's mysteriously disappeared. i have no idea how or when. posted at 8:29 PM |  

i spent the past hour going through my younger cousins' blogs. which were surprisingly easy to find. i'm so terrible...i'd hate it if any relatives read mine. but whatever. they're in middle school - it's not like they have anything juicy to say. mostly they write about homework and school. and the younger one constantly posts pics of bollywood stars. it's interesting though, the things i find out. like, they both have potty mouths. (nice to know i'm not the only one.) also, the younger one was blackmailing the older one. so funny - and so like her...i get the impression that their mom puts a lot of pressure on them to get good grades. and that they are a bit scared of her. (i don't blame them, most people are scared of her.) anyway, it's good to know they aren't having sex or doing drugs...kids these days...you never know...

sometimes i wish i could have been more of an older sister to them. just because...i think i would have liked to have someone to talk to when i was their age. and when i read some things they wrote, i wished that i could help them out, give them advice, etc. but we aren't very close - and we hardly spend any time together even when i do go to new york to visit. it's so different from what i expected when they were little...i just wished we had some common interests or something...it's so hard to break the ice when i do see them.

anyway. i feel bad for snooping. i wouldn't want anyone snooping around here. but google is a powerful thing and it wouldn't surprise me if someone was. posted at 2:10 AM |  

feel like i'm getting sick. ugh.

trying to catch up on work for job #2 that i put off last week. they said that after i'm done, i could try doing some other work for them as well...don't know exactly what, but something to do with animations. probably more design-oriented than what i am doing for them now. so that'll be good. and job #1 is probably going to be slow for a while now anyway, unless they get another project that i can help with.

it was nice getting to do research last month. i mean, it was hard work, and i got really frustrated at times, but i don't think i'd mind going down that general path if whatever i'm trying to do with my life now doesn't get going. there should be tons of research associate positions at this company - maybe not at the particular office i work for, but they have several other offices and research groups. i just need to get better at networking and asking about jobs whenever i meet someone new who works there... posted at 10:21 PM |  

submitted the rest of the work today. yay! it's over!

gotta catch up on a bunch of work for job#2 now...but it'll be easy in comparison. a bit boring perhaps, but less brain-intense.

family gathering at my dad's tonight. after that...i hope i just go to bed and crash. i've barely slept the past 3 nights - not by choice, i was just too wound up (stress from work, plus other emotional matters). doesn't help that upstairs guy goes to sleep at about the same time that the sun starts to rise. weirdo. i can hear music or tv at a really low volume until past 5 AM. i'm trying to get myself to sleep through it - it's really not at all loud enough that i can complain, it's just irritating. posted at 7:38 PM |  

almost done...just one document left...but it's with my partner in kentucky, and she seems to have disappeared. i hope she's finished it.

anyway, i don't know if i'm just too anal, but we were given examples of what we were supposed to do, and i followed them extremely closely. i just assumed that everyone would do the same. but why so many people didn't, i don't understand. like, if you looked at my documents and the examples, you wouldn't be able to tell that they were written by different people. but if you look at the documents written by the other people in my group, they're obviously different. it annoys me. maybe it's not a big deal, but i would think that if you have 10-12 people working on separate sections of one big report, that you'd want each section to be as similar as possible in terms of style. and i assumed that that's why we were given the examples and told repeatedly to read through all the examples. yet there were simple things on the first page of an example that others in my group didn't even notice, and i had to correct them at the last minute. if they didn't even read the first page, i doubt they bothered to read through all of it...and even if they did read it, they didn't write up their notes in the same style. are they just lazy or what? it's so annoying to me...

one of the women i was working with said at the initial meeting that she doesn't do anything for less than $800 a day. so she basically wanted to spend only 5 days working on this. whatever. it just came across so snotty to me. and she really wasn't that great to work with. i should be getting paid $800 a day, damnit! (but i will get at least $6000 this month, which is nice.) posted at 6:37 PM |  

not quite done yet, but i need a little break before my head starts spinning. one section is turned in (the more complicated of the two), but i have one more to finish up. i think one person i was working with is going to be pissed if she looks at what i did (i had to CC her on the email unfortunately). i changed a lot of things from her document. i'm terrible. i shouldn't be working with other people. i'm too much of a control freak.

anyway, someone else has attempted to sign up for an account using my gmail address. this time, it was someone in spain. the problem is, my spanish is pretty bad considering i haven't used it in over 10 years. so i'm not sure if i correctly followed the instructions for removing my address. i think i clicked on the correct link to do so, but then there was a question and i had to click on si or no. i assumed si. i mean...it must have been asking if i was sure, right? except it used really long words to ask that. and of course, it's possible i didn't click on the correct link in the first place. i guess i'll have to wait and see. posted at 3:49 PM |  

i'm really pathetic. i've hardly made any progress since my last post. i think i should just stay up all night working. it'll be like grad school! although, i didn't sleep much last night, and i'm all out of cookies to munch on. i'm sure i'll get really tired and hungry in a couple hours... posted at 11:32 PM |  

i want this project to be OVER already. just one more day. trying to finish. i'll feel so much relief once i turn it in. but until then...*sigh*...feels like there's always more to do. everytime i think i'm close to being done, i realize how much more is left...and i also underestimate how long it will take me to do it. i need to just let things be sometimes. i mean, this is pretty subjective work, so it's not like me spending more time debating things is going to make it right or perfect - because there is no such thing. i gotta focus on just getting the damn thing done. posted at 6:22 PM |  

getting so sick of this project...i mean, i like it, but i just can't think anymore...i'm so close to finishing - just a few more days...i keep telling myself i can do it...but...it's just hard. and i'm tired. posted at 12:38 AM |  

feel like these days i only write about work or noises coming from upstairs. why anyone still reads this is beyond me. i've wanted to write about other things, but...they take time and effort...and thought...and my brain is so fried from work right now. i've put off a bunch of things that i need to do - the deadline for this project is at the end of this week though, so after that...i'll either be writing about upstairs guy exclusively, or if you're lucky, i might have something interesting to say. um, after i catch up with work for job#2, that is.

oh, by the way, i did email the guy who interviewed me a month ago, and he said i was still being considered, for whatever that's worth. they're still interviewing for a senior position and will decide on lower level people (me) after that.

as for my personal life, it is pretty much non-existent. see, i've decided that people suck. and this decision will probably make it difficult for me to make new friends or form relationships of any sort. but until i am proven otherwise, i guess that's just how things are going to be. posted at 11:23 PM |  

upstairs guy was stomping around so hard my smoke detector just fell down from the ceiling. i probably hadn't put it up properly in the first place, but still...the ceiling must have had to shake quite a bit for it to just fall like that.

at least he doesn't use the bathroom too often in the middle of the night. not that my body has been able to go back to sleeping at a decent hour yet. i think i'm too stressed. major deadline next week, and i'm still very far behind...better get back to work. posted at 2:19 PM |  

was watching the spelling bee tonight...so addicting...i started watching about 3 years ago - that one was great. had a lot of really interesting kids. i sometimes catch a re-broadcast of that one in the middle of the night and i still watch the whole thing. samir was my favorite, but i guess he got out a bit early this year. i also liked the canadian girl - i could tell she was going to start with a v instead of w on that last word, just by the way she was pronouncing it. thought the judges should have corrected her...but i don't know what the rules are.

my school had a spelling bee in 5th grade. i got out pretty early. i knew how to spell the word i got, but then as i was spelling it, i started to second-guess myself and threw in an extra letter. then i felt like a dumbass because i knew how to spell it correctly, but still spelled it wrong. i think i subconsciously just wanted to get out of the damn thing. i didn't like being put on the spot like that. still don't. posted at 10:26 PM |