so i am kinda starting to hate my hair now. i know, i do this every time. and i keep going back to the same hairdresser. so silly. she's actually capable of doing a really good job - when she's paying attention and not in a rush. she has definitely given me some great cuts in the past. but the last few times i've gone to her...ugh.

i hope it'll look better when it grows out a bit. posted at 8:11 PM |  

got a much-needed haircut today. i don't hate it, but i don't love it either. it's pretty plain and boring...which i guess fits how i feel about myself these days. anyway, instead of the usual long layers, i went with some "slithering" this time - i don't know if that's a real term or if my hairdresser just calls it that. she actually wanted to do short layers, but that had disaster written all over it...anyway, i'll see how this works out. hopefully it won't be a pain to blow dry...

i kinda miss my long wavy mess though. guess i'm a hippie at heart. or maybe i just liked to hide behind it. it does get to be a bit of a security blanket at times... posted at 1:04 AM |  

the fog actually listened to me. (thank you fog!) good timing too, because i have to go to pleasanton tomorrow. it'll probably still be hot there, but at least it won't be in the 100s anymore.

anyway, i thought i'd be getting busy with some work for job #1 next week, but it turns out that won't be happening for another 3 weeks or so. kinda disappointing...i hope job #2 will have enough work to keep me occupied. posted at 6:36 PM |  

still randomizing those answers...only 300+ left...*groan*...i can't work on that stuff for more than half an hour at a time. especially in this heat. fog, please come back soon.

anyway...other than that, i'm feeling less crazy now. still down about some things, still feeling very lost, but...it's manageable. posted at 3:40 PM |  

IT'S SO HOT.

what is up with this weather? i can't stand it...i need to go someplace with air conditioning. posted at 1:44 PM |  

finished all that data entry...going to take a bit of a break and then move on to another ridiculous task. seems that several hundred multiple choice questions all have "d" as the answer. so i need to go into each one of them individually and randomize the answers. i know you all wish you had my job... posted at 1:54 PM |  

it's so hot...i still have about 4 classes worth of tests to enter in. should take a couple hours or so. i know they need them ASAP but i am so tired of it...debating whether i should just stay up late tonight and get it over with. i'll try to do as much as i can i guess...finish up tomorrow morning...which will technically be afternoon for me...

it would be less irritating if i didn't get so worked up about the grading. correct answers are marked wrong all over the place. so frustrating. it's not my responsibility to fix any of that, but i find it hard not to. and also when i see kids doing really bad on the post-tests, it bothers me. why are there so many terrible teachers out there? it makes me sad. and clearly our materials aren't helping much if they're doing almost as bad on the post-tests as they did on the pre-tests...i know the materials are still a work in progress, but if i were in charge, i would have hired really great authors. the ones we have now are really not that great, but we end up doing whatever they say even if we know better. i don't get that. posted at 1:01 AM |  

all this data entry is driving me nuts. it seems to be never-ending...

hopefully i can finish by tomorrow. but then i have to do some even more boring stuff for my other job. it's ok though. keeping my mind occupied. posted at 2:19 PM |  

feeling better now. at least, i don't feel like i'm having some sort of breakdown anymore.

just completely frustrated with work at the moment. i hate working with people who are stupid, or who make stupid mistakes. i know that i should just keep my nose out of certain things and simply enter in the scores as they are written, but...it's so hard. there's one question in particular that has clearly been graded unfairly. and yeah, it only affects 4 or 5 scores out of hundreds. but whatever. it annoys me. actually, the whole question should be taken out because it's just...wrong. it's wrong to ask these poor kids who don't know much math to begin with to write the equation of a vertical line in slope-intercept form. SO wrong. think back to pre-algebra people. it can't be done. you're just confusing them more.

anyway, i really wish that someone had proofread the tests before the kids took them. and i also wish that someone had double-checked the grading key. the woman who wrote it is nuts...and the research assistant who is compiling all this stuff and grading the tests does not know math. seem a bit strange to anyone else???

edited to update: i sent a second email to my manager about that question, and now she agrees with me and is taking it out. i am less annoyed now. sometimes i just need to get my way. especially when my way is right. posted at 3:18 PM |  

i feel like i'm losing my mind...sometimes i just pace around my apartment because i can't wrap my head around anything and i don't know what's going on inside of me...i haven't eaten anything all day today...don't know what i want...not hungry at all...i don't know what's wrong with me. i just feel like i'm about to crack - if i haven't already. posted at 4:11 PM |  

fedex delivered the tests at 7 AM this morning. doesn't that seem a bit early? i was sleeping so peacefully and everything...

and of course, after that i had trouble falling asleep again. loud noises outside my window. then upstairs guy woke up (he only sleeps 4 hours/night). finally fell asleep sometime around 8:30 or so, and guess when i woke up? 1:30! i haven't slept in that late in...well, i can't remember. and i slept through my alarm and everything. only woke up because i got a phone call. who knows how late i would have slept if not for that?

i guess i was tired. but actually...i slept at 3:30 in the first place, so when i add it up, i slept 8 and a half hours. i just feel like i slept for 12. posted at 2:01 PM |  

so a bunch of things have been making me feel down lately...and last night, it hit me: i feel like i've lost myself.

see, i used to be fun. at least, i think i was. once upon a time, a long time ago...i don't know what happened to that person though. i feel so boring now. boring and unlikeable and unmemorable...like i have no "character" anymore. nothing to draw people in and make them want to talk to me or get to know me.

i'd like to think that i'm still capable of turning on the charm when i'm in the mood. but i don't know. i don't think i'd be able to keep it up for long.

anyway, i'm not sure when or how this happened to me. it's probably been a gradual decline over the past 5-6 years. i just want to feel alive again, i want to feel fun and interesting and...like people actually enjoy and look forward to spending time with me.

i wish i knew how to get "me" back. posted at 12:30 AM |  

fresh air really helps. i just need to force myself to go on long walks everyday. it's hard when i have no real reason or motivation. or company. posted at 7:44 PM |  

i hate how i get bombarded with work all of a sudden with no warning. i was planning on taking it easy through next week. now i find out i have a bunch of pre- and post-test scores to enter. and you know how i love data entry. *groan*

i could use the money, and the distraction, but i'm so not in the mood for this right now... posted at 1:40 PM |  

don't feel like working...it's just so damn boring...not that i have anything more exciting to do...but i'd rather just curl up in bed right now. trying not to though.

i hate being so sad and lonely. it was easier when i was in total denial about how much my life sucks. posted at 4:16 PM |  

i don't think i know anyone in india who takes the train, but i do know a lot of people who live or work around khar and bandra...it's scary to think how close those bombs were. posted at 2:13 PM |  

i'm an idiot. i thought my estimated taxes were due on july 15. they were actually due june 15. i'm so confused. jan 15, april 15,...one would expect that the next one would be due july 15, right? 3 months later? what the fuck??? why did i not know about this weird 2 month gap?

i'm so out of it.

sleep is improving slightly. at least, i got 2 nights in a row. hoping i can make it 3, although now with this tax thing hanging over my head, i don't know... posted at 12:20 AM |  

i slept a good 7-8 hours last night as well. that's a good sign. i still have to work on gettting to sleep at a decent hour, but the fact that i am sleeping at all is a step in the right direction.

i'm really not in the mood to do work today...trying to force myself to do as much as a i can because i have a deadline tomorrow. i'm sure i've been making a ton of mistakes though, because i've been blasting music and singing while working...it's just too boring otherwise... posted at 4:08 PM |  

i actually slept last night. yay! i feel so much better today. physically at least. i don't have anything planned for tonight though... posted at 2:02 PM |  

i think i got somewhere between 3 to 4 hours of sleep last night. i guess that's about as good as it'll get right now. i really need to get 4-5 hours of work done today though, and it's hard when my head's so foggy and my eyes are only half-open...i really don't know how my body is even getting by on such little sleep. posted at 12:00 PM |  

i thought i'd sleep straight through the night last night, but i was wrong. hardly slept at all. i haven't even had any caffeine. i'm sure i'll pass out at some point today. i feel like i'm in a fog. posted at 12:30 PM |  

was up most of last night...again...somehow got a few hours of sleep in the morning. this is really getting to be a problem though. i wish i knew why this is happening...i feel like it's my own fault - like i'm bringing stuff upon myself that i am unable to deal with.

anyway, my computer's being weird right now so i think i need to check for spyware. stupid windows keep opening even though i'm not doing anything.... posted at 12:29 PM |  

didn't sleep much last night...felt so tired all day. i don't know how long this will last. not sure what to do about it. something weird was going on with my leg last night too. really sudden jerks or twitching. it was strange. rls maybe? i don't know...

anyway...i'm yawning right now so i should attempt to go to bed soon. posted at 1:27 AM |