i have so much crap that i want to get out of my system but i don't even know where to start or what to say...it doesn't help that my internet connection seems to be down whenever i am in the mood to write. yeah, i know i can type it up on my computer and publish it later, but it's not the same...

anyway. i think most of my relatives have pretty much given up on me getting an actual career, so they are now pushing for me to get married. well, ok...that's a bit extreme. they are pushing for me to meet with what they consider to be potential husbands. i don't think they will actually push me to get married until i have gone out with a guy for a while. how much time is "a while", i don't know...could be a month, could be a year...but the thought just makes me cry. it's hard to explain. i just want to meet someone. in person. no sending pictures to his parents. no having to make a "biodata" - whatever the hell that consists of. (i'm so picturing the video with the indian guys doing a parody of that gwen stefani song right now.) and i'd prefer to meet someone without the whole marriage idea floating around. it's just too much pressure to start a relationship that way. i seriously don't know how other people do it...

it just sucks that i'm getting so old so fast. i'm not ready for any of this.

and it sucks that my grandma is worried about me because it is really hard to tell her no, i don't want to talk to this guy in new jersey that she is trying to set me up with. god, that's even worse than being set up with someone who lives around here. (although i do have the long-distance excuse, which i definitely plan on using...)

i'm so sick of all the expectations and feeling obligated to do things, feeling as though it is my duty to get married, not a choice. my aunt actually said that it "looks bad" if i don't talk to these guys, because apparently other people are starting to say things about our family, due to the large number of unmarried females. so they're counting on me to break the curse, if you will. or at least show all those other people that there is nothing wrong with us. but why does it matter what all these other people think? let them say whatever the hell they want. we're good people. mostly all female, but whatever.

i'm not against the idea of getting married some day, and of course i would like to not be so lonely. the thing is, i really don't know who i am right now. and i don't think i can be in a relationship until i figure that out. i've been hiding myself for so long, always so scared to let people see the real me, that i don't know who the real me is anymore. i know how to act around different people, but it's wearing me out. i just want to be free. posted at 9:49 PM |  

my football tickets arrived!! yay!!

i'm so excited...we open at tennessee next saturday...would have been fun to go to that game, but being glued to my TV is ok as well. i'm just glad football is finally starting. posted at 3:20 PM |  

between my allergies, my sketchy internet connection, and a crazy leak from the upstairs bathroom...i haven't gotten very much done this week. today was especially bad, on all three counts. but my internet just came back on, and the leak is supposedly fixed now (at least, i don't see any water dripping down at the moment). so hopefully my allergies will calm down soon as well so i can finish my work. i better go get whatever i need for work from my email before my internet stops again... posted at 6:50 PM |  

haven't had much to say lately...nothing going on.

i've always been on the quiet side, but i feel like i've become even quieter than usual - in real life as well as online. last week when i was at the office, my manager asked me what i've been up to lately, and i said "not much." she was waiting for me to say something more, but when i didn't, she said something like "you're just going to leave it at that?!? not much?" it was pretty funny...i just totally suck at making small talk these days. another side effect of working from home, i guess. posted at 6:16 PM |  

had all-day meetings the past couple days...been too tired to write. and now i have a ton of work to do, but i don't feel like working...

one of the authors (the loud one who talks too much) was driving me nuts during the meetings. she wastes so much time...even when my manager tells her that she has to leave in 15 minutes so we need to quickly finish some work, she'd interrupt everything whenever she got an email (even if it was spam or an airline announcing special fares), and she also took a phone call from a number she didn't know. this one time, my manager suggested a particular change, and she got all huffy and was like "no, that's not right!" and started throwing a fit, before eventually saying exactly what my manager suggested like 10 minutes earlier. except now she felt like it was her idea.

i hope i don't ever become one of those people. i know i like to have my way sometimes, but at least i listen to what other people are saying. anyway, aside from all that, she said some very bitchy things about the other author (who didn't come to this meeting). and i just felt so bad, because that other author is incredibly sweet. ok, maybe her writing isn't great, but neither is this woman's so she shouldn't be saying those things about other people if she can't even accept criticism of her own work.

anyway. aside from all that, i got pretty irritated with one of my cousins. see, she is the type that only calls me when she wants something. usually she gets to the "can you do me a favor?" part after 1-2 minutes of asking how i am, etc. but when she called me on tuesday and we spoke for a good 15-20 minutes, i stupidly thought she was actually just calling to catch up and stuff. but then came the true matter - she needed help writing another essay. she totally pretended like it was a side thought too, but it was clear she was faking. and this was after i told her how busy i am with work right now.

yeah, i gave in and helped her out a bit, because i'm just a nice person and can't say no. but the thing is, whenever i ask her to do one simple thing for me, she never does it. and i'm supposed to accept that she's just too busy because she's in fucking med school? i've been asking her for almost a year now to email me one damn picture, and she still hasn't done it. i remind her time and time again, and she always has excuses...it just pisses me off. i hate that "too busy" line in general, from anyone, because i know it's total BS about 90% of the time. i don't care that she's on rotation in the ICU. she can find 2 minutes to attach a picture. especially since i've given her a year to do so and reminded her several times.

and i'm still hurt that after all the help i gave her when she was applying to med schools, all the nights i stayed up late for her, she never so much as took me out to dinner to thank me, even though she specifically told me she was going to...i just don't feel like helping her sometimes because she's so damn fake and doesn't even seem to feel bad that she's taking up my time!

alright, i think that's enough venting for now. go see "little miss sunshine" - it's hilarious. i still crack up when i see the commercials now. posted at 4:42 PM |  

i don't know whether or not to trust what my manager at job #2 tells me to do. he's so weird sometimes. had another one of those email exchanges with him recently. went a little like this:

me: should i make the font size X in the question stems only, or in the choices and feedback as well?
him: make the font size X.

i think he just scans my emails without actually reading the question. when i wrote again to get clarification, he told me to use that font size everywhere. but i don't know if he realizes that the font is normally one size smaller in the choices and two sizes smaller in the feedback. i didn't want to confuse him though.

phone conversations are not much better:

him: how to you pronouce that word? i always forget.
me: uh-dish-in
him: thanks. so for ADD-ish-un problems,...

i didn't correct his pronunciation. it doesn't bother me however he wants to pronounce it, so long as what he tells me to do is correct.

anyway, i asked if simple equations should be done in regular text or in LaTeX. i had left most of them in regular text because he missed that question in my email. so when i had him on the phone, i asked him again, and he said to put them in LaTeX. so i went back and changed them. and guess what i had to do this week? go and change them all back to regular text.

whatever. i did get paid to go back and make those changes, but it's just annoying. i'm worried that i'll have to go back and change the font sizes on everything i'm doing now...that would be a pain in the ass. posted at 12:44 AM |  

allergies are driving me nuts today. i hardly got any work done because i have to blow my nose every 2 minutes...and this is after i took a claritin.

anyway. i think i'm probably the only person i know who is watching big brother, but i'm really bummed that kaysar was kicked out. i'm still rooting for janelle (even though she hasn't been as entertaining this season as she was last season), but i doubt she'll last long. season sixers were doomed from the start because there were so many of them and everyone seemed to hate them...i wish james wasn't on. he's such an asshole, and a hypocrite. i don't mind when will and boogie lie to everyone, because they're funny about it. but james is like...hateful. anyway, kaysar should have come up with a better strategy early on in the game...too late now. he looked so sad when he found out about james at the end...

yeah, i know. i have no life. posted at 7:05 PM |  

so scary to travel these days. i feel like terrorists are just going to keep finding ways to get around whatever screenings are in place...it's depressing. i imagine that at some point, we won't be able to carry anything on planes anymore. long flights to india are going to get tricky with no toothpaste, no bottled water, no contact lens solution...i'm not complaining - i understand they have to do whatever they have to do. i'm just frustrated with the world. posted at 11:46 PM |  

wrote a really huge post but it vanished. hate it when that happens! my internet connection was being weird, so i was about to copy it before attempting to publish, but then it disappeared before i was able to do so. blogger's interface really bugs me sometimes...of course, i admit i'm terrible about hitting the save button.

anyway, i don't think i'll re-type it. just more about family members making me feel bad, and a re-hash of probably a very similar post i made around rakhi-time last year or the year before or...whenever it was. posted at 12:41 AM |  

my mom's started nagging me about finding a job again. she had stopped for a while...and it was nice while it lasted...but unfortunately it has re-entered her mind. and it's not just her asking me if i'm looking/applying, but she'll also give me the most random suggestions - like, the other day, she told me to become a notary public. i guess i could make some extra cash that way, but...i mean, there must be something better i can do, right?? i hope there is...

i honestly have not been making an effort at all lately. i know that i need to, but...it's just very hard right now. i'm not feeling very good about myself, and i really don't know what i'm looking for either. when i look at job listings, i just go "no. no. no. no..."

hard to get in the right frame of mind for a job search when i'm feeling so bogged down by everything else that is wrong with me right now...i am pretty sure that i will feel better if/when i find a job where i actually get to interact with humans on a regular basis (being at home so much is definitely driving me nuts), provided those humans are nice to me of course. but at the same time, i don't know if i'm capable of being friendly anymore. so it may not make much of a difference at all. who knows.

i feel like i'm babbling and not really saying what i want to say. i'm just scared and confused. about life in general, and where i am heading. nothing new there. but now i'm also having serious doubts about myself and whether i'm even cabable of "making it" - whatever that means. posted at 1:07 AM |  

i hate it when a product changes its scent without any warning. now, i admit, i have a very sensitive nose. but when i specifically pick out the particular hand soap that i have been using and take the time to make sure that there isn't a scent mentioned anywhere on the label, i assume that it's going to smell the same way it has been smelling. or better yet, not smell at all. but no, it's now got this very flowery scent that makes me sneeze and/or blow my nose everytime i wash my hands. it's very irritating... posted at 6:03 PM |