i just had to turn down some extra work this week. i hate having to turn down work in general (well, technically i hate turning down the money i would get from doing that work), but i am just so swamped right now. i don't mind working a few hours over the weekend, but not 10-15 hours! posted at 1:52 PM |  

the game was fun...i actually thought it might be a close one. then we blew it open and killed em. always nice to be on the winning end of one of those games. go bears! posted at 4:23 PM |  

i feel like i've run out of gas...still have a bunch of work to do this weekend. wish i had even worked for just 2-3 hours last weekend, it would have helped...oh well. i have plenty to do next week too, and relatives visiting...bad timing...i like doing touristy stuff with out-of-towners but i don't think i'll be able to this time. i am going to the game tomorrow though : ) posted at 6:35 PM |  

i somehow committed to doing a bunch of work this week without even thinking about it or checking the dates. i also totally forgot about some of this work. meaning, i'm even further behind than i thought. posted at 12:03 PM |  

my allergies have been out of control today. took a claritin like 3-4 hours ago, and it is just now starting to kick in a little bit...i can't believe how bad it gets sometimes. just makes me completely miserable and useless. i'm really far behind with work too. that's what i get for not working at all last weekend. posted at 7:30 PM |  

i've become so much more conscious lately of how unfriendly i am as compared to "normal" people. it's depressing. i don't want to be like this. i've just never gotten used to the idea of making small talk with strangers. i don't know how to do it.

i've always been shy, but this isn't even about that. i feel like i can't express even the most basic friendly-politeness that other people seem to do with ease. it's depressing when i see how easy it is for other people, and then it hits me that i am never like that and probably won't ever be.

on top of all that, i found out tonight that an ex-roommate is now a manager and everyone just loves her there because she's sooooooo nice. i don't think i will ever have that kind of support anywhere i work, just because i have such a hard time being social. i thought i had improved slightly in my early 20's or so, but now i feel like i've regressed. it's terrible...aside from family and friends, i don't talk unless i absolutely have to. and i'm pretty damn quiet around family and friends these days too...*sigh*...i need to snap out of this somehow. posted at 11:47 PM |  

fucking mouse is still in my room. just saw it dart under my dresser. i think there might even be more than one. i woke up in the middle of the night last night because i heard a bunch of noise coming from around my desk. totally freaked me out of course - i got so paranoid that one would jump into my bed.

i need to get some more mouse traps. i hate the thought of putting one in my bedroom though - not a nice sound to wake up to in the middle of the night. posted at 6:43 PM |  

i don't have anything in particular to write about...i just need to "talk". i feel like the past 3-4 months have been so rough because the few friends i do have just haven't been around. and the ones that are physically here are just way too busy with other things these days. i've been trying to get together with one friend for several months, but everytime we make plans, she's had to cancel for one reason or another. i may have mentioned that already, i can't remember. but it happened again last weekend.

in addition, other friends that i used to chat with online have also kind of disappeared. one is doing her residency and is in the hospital most of the time. another is too busy running around after her kid and trying to get dinner ready, etc...others have been out of town doing stuff and having lives. so yeah, i've been going a bit insane this summer...how much can i talk to myself? i'm SOOOOO bored. posted at 1:27 AM |  

that sucker got caught in my kitchen last night. i hope there aren't any more. having them in the kitchen is one thing, but seeing one in my room totally freaked me out. posted at 12:56 PM |  

damn it, i just saw a mouse IN MY BEDROOM!!! to make matters worse, i don't know where it went. it darted out from under my desk so fast and ran off somewhere...could still be in my room, could be elsewhere...i have no clue...

why did it have to come in here?!?!? this sucks... posted at 1:26 AM |  

sometimes when i sit and think, i just can't believe how completely lost i am. how did this happen to me? how is it possible for me to just not know who the hell i am anymore? and when did i start being so ultra-guarded, so embarrassed about every little thing? maybe i was always that way to a certain extent, but i'm oh so much worse now.

i can still be somewhat open here, but it's gotten harder. there are a lot of things that i don't write about now that i think i would have written about in the past. i hate being so worried about what other people (even strangers) will think of me. i'm just so conscious about how i come across now...don't know how else to explain it.

the frustrating part is, even if i wanted to put down my guard and be myself completely, i don't know what that would consist of. when i try, i just draw a blank...am i just less creative now? more mature? or have i just been alone for too long? i am really missing that feeling of having 2 or 3 people that i can talk to on a regular basis. without that consistent interaction, i just find that i don't have anything to say to anyone anymore. it's horrible...

i don't know how i'm ever going to make any new friends. posted at 12:11 AM |  

the entire left side of my upper body is in pain. i feel like it radiates from this one spot on my back, all the way down my left arm. i'm pretty sure it's nerve-related, because the spot that hurts when i turn my neck to the right is the same spot that has been tingling for years. i was always worried about that tingling...but now, i'd much prefer the tingling to this pain. it's so uncomfortable when i'm in bed...and it's not getting any better.

i'm going to try to do some PT exercises more regularly, see if it helps. i should probably go see a doctor, but i don't think it would help much - they'd probably just tell me to go to physical therapy, which i can't afford. i hate being poor. posted at 1:18 AM |  

just got back from the game...i feel much better now. such an improvement over last week's debacle. i'm feeling much more optimistic about the season now. ooh, i and i even got a poster. it's freakin huge this year. i hardly ever get any of the free stuff. i'm happy. posted at 7:39 PM |  

been up since 7:30. couldn't go back to sleep. but i still stayed in bed until 10. i'm so lazy. posted at 10:51 AM |  

i feel so completely awkward about the whole idea of relatives trying to find me a husband. actually, awkward might not be the right word for it. bothered maybe...annoyed, uncomfortable, i don't know. it's just weird, and not in a good way.

i just don't like the idea of them talking to some guy's relatives about me, giving them pictures of me, describing me, etc. i know lots of girls who don't mind it at all, but it just makes me feel really uneasy for some reason.

i think it's because last weekend i heard my mom on the phone with one of her friends, trying to set up this friend's son with her cousin's daughter. she then called her cousin and said - and i quote - "we can sell her to them!" (she didn't mean it literally for money, but in the way that you would want to "sell youself" in a job interview.)

keep in mind that neither of the kids actually know that this is going on.

also, they live like 2000 miles from each other.

anyway, i just didn't like all the scheming and the way they were talking about them...it put me off tremendously. and knowing that some of my relatives are doing the same with me...it makes me feel ill.

marriage isn't a fucking job that you should have to apply for and be interviewed for. simply introducing people is one thing, and i can handle that. if only i didn't know about all the behind-the-scenes crap that goes on... posted at 9:43 PM |  

i hate being a girl sometimes...aside from emotional stuff, i just get so sick and tired of how much time and effort (and money) is needed just to look decent. forget about looking good, i'm just talking about looking presentable. some girls have it easier than others. i'm one of the others. and as i get older, it just gets worse...it's frustrating as hell. i wish i didn't care so much - and i think i actually appear as though i don't care most of the time. but it's the little things...they all add up, and even though others might not notice, it just brings me to tears somtimes when i look at myself and see all these things that i want to erase or make better... posted at 2:31 PM |  

i don't feel like working...i don't feel like doing anything...but there is so much to do. *sigh*

my back's been hurting since last week. it especially hurts when i'm trying to sleep at night. or anytime i look to the right.

anyway, the football game was pretty damn depressing. i don't want to write about it. just hoping for a quick turn around. if we lose again this weekend...i really won't have much hope for the rest of the season. which sucks because i was kinda counting on football to snap me out of this sulky mood i've been in. posted at 3:55 PM |  

wow. i cannot believe how horrible this game is going...just can't fucking believe it... posted at 4:33 PM |