heading down to LA this weekend...then further down to san diego for the bowl game. hope cal wins this time...

i didn't quite get everything done that i wanted to this week, but it was too much anyway. decided to hold off on a some things so that my last few days of lounging around at home wouldn't be too stressful. getting out of town for a week should do me some good too. i'm starting to feel some anxiety about going back to working in an office full time...just trying to keep reassuring myself that it'll be ok. posted at 12:13 PM |  

just found this coat in my closet that i have absolutely no recollection of buying. i'm sure i spent quite a bit on it though. which is a shame because i really don't think i've ever worn it or ever will wear it. tried it on and it seemed pretty big on me. i'm sure it's mine though. i just don't remember when or why i bought it. and i don't know what to do with it now. posted at 6:08 PM |  

why is it that IMs seem to be getting bigger and uglier each year? i usually avoid downloading any "new versions" of them, but my yahoo IM insisted on updating itself recently, and i hate it now. i got rid of some of the junk on there, but it's still annoying me. i don't like change. posted at 6:00 PM |  

i keep hearing about these "experience gifts" lately, and they sound really cool - especially for someone like me who has trouble coming up with a list of items that i want. but then it occurred to me that there's nothing specific that i really want to do either. i'm not one of those people who can say "i really, really want to ___ one day" (where the blank would be filled in with "go sky diving" or "see the pyramids" or what have you.) i do like to travel a lot, but there's no special place or attraction that i want to make sure i see before i die.

sure, there are things that i'd enjoy doing, and there are tons of places that i'd like visiting, but there's nothing in particular that i'm really passionate about seeing or doing in my life, you know? sometimes i feel like i need to find that one thing, like i'm a total weirdo for not having one...no favorite band or musician that i'm dying to see in concert, no extreme physical activity that i'd love to try, no hobby that i would put my all into and seriously focus on...you get the idea.

so, am i right to feel like something's wrong with me? i think all this ties in with other things i've been feeling lately...how i've lost myself and don't know who i am anymore. maybe when i figure out what i want in life, things like this will fall into place as well, i don't know. it's just hard to remember what it was like when i was younger and had some of those dreams, because i feel so far from that now. posted at 4:45 PM |  

i got so pissed at upstairs guy last night. he and some friends were being really loud in the bedroom right above mine, and i started banging on the ceiling (i haven't done this is a very long time, so it had to really be bad for me to do it now.) anyway, he basically stomped back and ignored me. i kept doing it though, because i had to go to bed (and because i was angry at him for stomping back but not getting any quieter). this all went on from about 12:30 onwards. i don't know how long i was banging, but i damn near broke my broom. and i think i hurt myself too.

at some point one of the guys left, and upstairs guy and his girlfriend just lowered their voices, but i could still hear them talking until past 3. they do that a lot. i kinda wish they'd just have sex and pass out. what's up with all the chatting? they talk non-stop for hours and hours and hours all night...if i had been asleep, they wouldn't have woken me up, but because they were all hanging out and being so loud from about 11 onwards, i had no chance to fall asleep beforehand. so i just had to lie there and listen to them talking until i dozed off...whatever time that was.

then i had to get up at 8 and spend all day at the office...i could feel my eyes starting to close around 3. my cube isn't furnished yet, but it's going to be weird because all of the other cubicles are empty too. so i'll be the only one there not in an office. my manager said he tried really hard to get me an office, but apparently some senior people from the SF office will be moving here so they're saving the offices for them. i was sitting in one today though, staring out at the lake, enjoying the view while i could.

anyway, i gotta get a second alarm clock - one that i can carry around with me if i need to get up and go sleep in a different room in the middle of the night. that was the main reason i stayed in my room last night. ideally, i'd move to a quieter apartment, but i just haven't had any time to really look and think about it...one thing at a time. posted at 5:38 PM |  

i gotta go to the office tomorrow morning...and of course upstairs guy is being loud tonight. i was hoping i'd be getting an actual office in oakland, but they're putting me in a cubicle. all the offices there have really nice views, so i'm kind of bummed that i won't get one. i haven't seen where the cubicles are, hopefully it's not too drab. and hopefully i won't have to share with some loud annoying bitch who stares at my back all day. god that place was miserable. have to keep reminding myself to be thankful i'm not working there anymore. posted at 11:38 PM |  

i'm stressed...i really should have worked more last week (as opposed to watching "cars" 5 million times with that 3-year-old). i feel like i've accomplished nothing. just running around in circles. my shoulder's starting to hurt because i've been at the computer too much. and it's hard to concentrate on work when i know there are all these other things i have to do...*sigh*... posted at 1:42 AM |  

a relative was visiting along with her 3-year-old daughter, so i was hanging out with them all week. totally pooped now. it was a bit nuts. but i do love hanging out with 3-year-olds. seems to cheer me up. and this kid was particularly funny. but i spent so much time with her that it made me wonder how i'd ever be a mom. i don't know how they do it... posted at 3:11 PM |  

another friend of mine just got engaged. fucking hell. (i realize that is not an appropriate reaction, but that's pretty much how i felt when i found out 10 minutes ago.)

why does this depress me so much? i know it shouldn't...it's just hard - makes me feel lonely. and i wasn't expecting this particular one to happen so soon. i mean, i knew that she wanted to get married, and i knew that she would probably end up marrying this guy, but they've been in a long-distance relationship the whole time, and i guess i just assumed that they'd at least want to live in the same state for a while before making that decision. so it's a bit of a shock to me that this happened so soon...i just wasn't ready to hear it. at all. posted at 11:12 PM |  

i've never been so down after a big game win before. it's a weird feeling. i don't mean this in a greedy way, but i needed a blow-out. instead, cal played like shit. still won, but looked terrible doing it. just doesn't bode well for the holiday bowl...

and to think, we're actually co-champs of the pac 10 now that usc lost. i should be happy right? first time since...oh, before i was born. but that fucking loss to arizona, man...it's too depressing to think about it...we would have been in the rose bowl! *sigh*

anyway...i'm way behind with work so i better get on that. posted at 6:57 PM |