so tired. feel like i'm getting sick. i miss having a 15 minute (and free) commute. being out for 10 hours a day is hard. i need to look into buses, see if that'll be any faster. or maybe start taking the shuttle to bart sometimes. i generally like walking, and i know i need the exercise, but sometimes...i just want to get home quick. the 40 minute commute to an office that is probably 10 miles away from me is ridiculous. and it's even longer coming back because i walk up hill.

anyway, i slept about 6 hours last night, which i suppose is as good as it's gonna get as long as i am living here. at least i can sleep in over the next two days though... posted at 6:49 PM |  

fucking asshole upstairs made that loud noise again last night. not once, not twice, but three times. just for good measure i suppose. to make sure he woke me up at 2:30 AM. (he succeeded.)

wasn't able to get a hold of the property manager, but i left a message for him. i just can't believe how rude some people can be... posted at 10:29 PM |  

fucking upstairs guy. or upstairs people i should say. sometimes it seems like 5 people live there. at least 2 girls. anyway. i went up there to tell them that i'll be going to bed at 11:30 on weeknights from now on, and that i needed them to be quiet after that time. also, there were some really loud noises last night in the room above mine between 1-1:30, and then i woke up at 3:30 because of the bathroom sink...anyway, just wanted to let them know and tell them to try to be more considerate. well, they basically just feigned this "i don't know what you're talking about, we were sleeping" routine. pissed me off so much. they were trying to tell me that the noise was coming from some other unit. do they really think i'm stupid? their unit is the only one that i am adjacent to! i can tell the difference between noises from the laundry room next to me and noises coming from directly over my ceiling. assholes.

i know for a fact that someone up there took a shower at 1, ran around the room a little, turned on some music for a little while, chatted for a little while, then something made a really insanely loud noise (think: furniture falling over). and they are trying to tell me that the person in that room was sleeping the whole time? bullshit.

but whatever. i just said i needed them to try to be quieter, and he said "well the people who live above us make a lot of noise at night, so why should we have to be quiet?" um, BECAUSE I LIVE BELOW YOU, that's why. this went on for a while. he said some pretty stupid things. i finally got frustrated and just left. i think i'll have to write a letter to management again. fucking ridiculous. posted at 6:26 PM |  

i'm so tired. and it's only tuesday. and i didn't even go in to the office today - both of the people i work for were in a meeting all day, so i told them i'd work from home. and we all know how unproductive i am when i'm at home...*sigh*...

i think i might be coming down with something. not feeling too great overall.

why is life so damn hard? posted at 11:11 PM |  

it's weird, but i actually prefer going to the redwood city office. i don't dread the all-day meetings anymore. it definitely beats sitting alone in a cube all day staring at the monitor. and i can usually get out of there early, which is nice. i'll probably hate it if i have to stay until 5 and get stuck in some insane traffic coming back...but, i'll try to work it out so i can leave early and then work from home a bit. overall though, i like that project much better. maybe it's because i've been on it for a long time now and feel more comfortable there...

anyway, i got my macbook. sorry all you mac people, but i really get annoyed when i'm using it. i guess i'm just too used to windows...it's hard to switch (that goes either way, i suppose). it does look nice though. i actually thought i was supposed to get the little one, so i was disappointed when this showed up. the big screen is nice and all, but i wanted something easy to carry. i don't know why they changed their minds and ordered the big one for me...oh well. just gotta order a mouse because i am useless with that touch pad. takes me five times as long to do anything.

on a totally unrelated note, what is the big deal about "ugly betty" - why is it so popular? i tried watching it (mostly because i have so many relatives who were obsessed with the indian version), but i just don't think it's funny. or satirical enough. i like america ferrera, but that's about it. and i also didn't like "the devil wears prada" - again, it was some weird in-between being a satire and being a cheezy teen movie. nowhere near as funny as it was trying to be. so why all the golden globe noms? i don't understand...i think it was just a bad year for movies. at least, for my taste. my personal best pic award goes to "volver" if anyone cares. posted at 6:04 PM |  

i can't believe how cold it is. i feel like i'm in michigan. except without a good heater.

i'm so happy i have the day off. just wish i didn't have so many things to do. and i wish i didn't have to go back to the office tomorrow.

i don't hate my job...i just don't think it's for me. i like creating stuff. i like working on something concrete. i feel like this new project isn't really my project; i'm just helping out. it's like i'm almost doing administrative work most of the time. i know i will have to do some of that stuff - i was told that at the time of the interview. but...i just didn't know how i'd feel about it. and now i know - i don't like it. i miss having ownership over something.

here's the thing...when i was working from home last year, i told myself that the next real job i'd take would have to be something that i really wanted to do. that i wasn't just going to take whatever job came along, unless it was a potential "dream job." but something changed along the way...i think it was just all the pressure getting to me - mainly from my mom and other family members...i just wanted them to get off my back more than anything else. so when this job came along, maybe i didn't stop and think about whether or not this was something i'd like to do. i just felt like i didn't have a choice.

there were other issues too. people calling me a hermit. telling me i needed to get out more. i definitely did not feel like it was healthy for me to be at home so much. but it was hard to not have a set work schedule - i wasn't really able to make plans or sign up for a class or something because i never knew when i'd be busy, when i'd have meetings, etc. maybe i should have tried harder, but i wasn't really motivated either. anyway...i guess it had just gotten in my head that once i got a job at an office, i'd meet people there and maybe make a friend or two. at the very least, i'd be able to have conversations with people, right? uh, not so much.

in short, what i'm trying to say is, i was ok with the idea of taking a not-so-great job just because i thought it would mean i'd be talking to other people from time to time instead of just listening to crazy thoughts going on in my head all day. and i guess i was hoping i'd magically have a bit of a social life. but...i was wrong. i have no neighbors near my cubicle. other people stay in their departments, in different sections of the office. and, well, just about everyone is white. i don't think i have ever been surrounded by so many white people. i don't mean that in an offensive way, i just find it harder to socialize with them. i feel much more comfortable around asians most of the time.

anyway, so now i'm in this position where 1) i don't like my job, 2) i'm not really getting much human interaction there, and 3) i have to wake up at 7 am and wear myself out working all day...

it makes me want to cry.

i'm trying to be patient, telling myself that things will get better once i adjust. but the way i feel right now is that i was so much better off with my situation last year. i don't care about the money, i was getting by. i had the time and energy to do other things besides work. and overall, life was easy. i wasn't struggling too much, you know? now, i feel like i'm so worn out and disappointed and stuck in another job that i don't want.

maybe things will improve when the project gets going. we're still in the initial stages right now. but i just feel so frustrated. i want so much to settle down - find a job where i'd want to stay for 5-10 years. this isn't going to be that job.

i'm starting to feel the need to move out of town again. feel like my parents have had too much control over my life, even in a sub-conscious way. they don't make me do anything, but they say things and get these thougths into my head. and as a result, i end up making decisions that i regret. it's not their fault, and i don't blame them for my unhappiness, but i just feel like sometimes i end up doing things to make them happy rather than thinking about what i want.

i guess i would have probably taken this job even if it weren't for them. i was excited about it initially, excited about trying something new. i always get that way - overly optimistic. i know that i needed a change. i just assumed that change in general would be good for me. but sometimes, it isn't. things just don't always work out the way you think it will. that's life, right? just gotta figure out how to make the best of it... posted at 11:29 AM |  

posted at 5:04 PM |  

i feel like i'm so far behind in my blogging. been way too tired. even after sleeping in on saturday, i felt like a zombie all day.

anyway, i guess i'll start with my little vacation. mostly i stuffed myself with mexican food. gained about 5 pounds. damn those fish tacos! they're so good though. attempted to do some shopping, but i didn't find much that fit me, or that i liked. bought some boots, only to get back here and realize they were both for the left foot. the store is sending me one for the right foot. i feel silly for not checking though. what happened was, i tried on a pair in brown, but then decided to get black instead, so i just picked up the box without actually taking them out. never again though. learned my lesson.

saw a couple friends that i hadn't seen in a really long time. and of course, had a great time at the game! cal kicked butt. they played much better than most of us expected. i really had my heart set on going to the after party, but my cousin didn't want to, and she had to be up at 5 the next morning...i understood, but it was really disappointing. my first bowl game victory, and i couldn't even go celebrate! i felt like i missed out. so that kinda sucked. i need to find other people to go with me in the future - people who drink.

one friend was having a lot of family issues so there was a bit of drama...i was staying at her parents place when i was in LA, and they're fighting a lot. it was awkward hearing all that. seems like they might split up now that their kids are all grown and out of the house. it's just weird because they're practically family and yet i never knew they had so many problems. it'll be strange if they do end up getting a divorce, but whatever is for the best i suppose... posted at 5:12 PM |  

been meaning to write, just been so tired...first week at work and all, trying to get used to waking up at 7 in the morning, etc. it was only a 3 day week, but i'm worn out. anyway, i'll write more over the weekend - work is ok, but whenever i am starting something new, i have this tendency to think it'll magically make everything better. and of course, it doesn't. it's never as good as i hoped and imagined it would be. i know, it's still early and i've only been there a few days, but...i can't help but feel a bit disappointed.

maybe i'll feel a little better once i start getting enough sleep at night. i've actually been staying at my mom's place all week so i can't even blame upstairs guy. just me not getting myself to bed early enough. i don't even know why i'm still up now... posted at 1:44 AM |  

what is it with my family and crappy gifts? i get so annoyed. i specifically requested no clothes, yet still got this one weird sweater. and socks that i'll never use because they have winnie the pooh on them. (um, i'm almost 30 years old, remember?) i also got perfume, even though i'm allergic. and i got stuff for skiers, even though i don't ski and have no plans to go skiing. oh, and my dad got me pots and pans. which is fine, except i don't cook. i guess this is his way of telling me that i should cook more?

what the hell am i supposed to do with all this stuff???? such a pain in the ass. posted at 5:45 PM |  

happy new year!

i got back a couple days ago, but haven't really been in the mood to write. i had a good time, i think i'm just tired...will fill in the details later, if i feel like it. posted at 12:00 AM |