i slept so much last night. i don't know how i get so tired by fridays...need to start trying to get to bed earlier. i actually thought i did pretty well last week - was in bed by midnight every night. gotta try to aim for 11:30 i guess...i hate getting older.

you know what's really depressing? it's how fast you start to age. i just had no clue that it would hit all of a sudden...thought it would be much more gradual than it has been. i look at pictures of myself taken a year ago, and compare them to pictures taken now, and it is scary how different i look. i feel like i need a complete makeover. have no idea where to start, what products to use. i go insane when i look for stuff - and trying to find time to actually use them is a whole other issue. and clothes! i look so frumpy lately. i bought some skinny jeans, and that helped, but i only wore them once. had some serious muffin-top going on. keep thinking i'll magically lose these extra few pounds i have put on...starting to realize that type of magic doesn't happen anymore.

i just don't know how some women do it - manage to have busy lives, kids, etc. but still find the time to do what it takes to look good...my life isn't nearly as busy, but i still don't seem to find the time. and if i do, i have so many other things that i want to do...maybe it's just a priority thing...guess it's more important for me to spend some time writing here than say, doing my nails. i don't know. i just wish i had more energy sometimes...i wish i didn't need so much sleep...i wish i could just be on top of everything, instead of always falling further and further behind... posted at 1:57 PM |  

still busy at work. i don't know how everything's going to get done. i'm somewhat relieved that we're going to have professional editors go through everything...it's hard to send materials out to schools when they still seem to need a lot of work. and it's hard for me to make changes that i don't agree with but that the bully insists on. sometimes, if i repeat things enough times, she'll actually listen to what i'm saying and a lightbulb will go off, but other times...it's just hard to get through to her. i go back and forth about things - do i just put blinders on and do whatever i'm told to do, or should i bring up issues that i have with the material? i don't know what they want from me - do they think i'm going overboard? do they want me to work faster and think less? if i see something that's mathematically incorrect, i definitely bring it up...but other times, it's not as clear cut. i really struggle with it. i wonder if they are getting annoyed by me...i definitely feel like i am dragging things out longer that they normally would. am i contributing enough to make up for that, by making the material better? or am i just slowing things down way too much? nit-picking over too many small details?

i have a headache... posted at 7:15 PM |  

i feel like such a complete mess. and i've been this way for so long that i don't remember what "normal" feels like anymore. when i'm distracted by other things, i'm ok. but when i just sit and think, i get completely depressed. and i feel really troubled by the fact that i don't know what to do about it, how to make things better.

i'm finding it so hard to be around friends or even just chat online a bit. everytime i think it'll help to talk to someone, i just end up feeling worse for one reason or another. either they'll say something that upsets me, or i'll just feel bad about myself in comparison. and i know they don't intend to hurt me, i'm just so damn sensitive about certain things right now...

sometimes i just want to shake things up, you know? fuckin leave the country for a year and get away from everything and everyone...i don't know where i would go or what i would do, but i just want to escape. the problem is, i'm so old and jaded now that i don't think it would make anything better. i don't think i'd "find myself" and i don't think that i'd actually do any of the things that i imagine i would...i'd be just as clueless as i am right here at home.

it's just really difficult to see other people doing things with their lives, and me wanting to do something with mine, but struggling to figure out what. and struggling to find the motivation as well. posted at 1:54 PM |  

just popping in. i don't even know what to say. still stressed at work, more deadlines coming up soon. and it's not helping matters that a lot of people are going on vacation (and that i want to take one myself!).

i "only" had to go to the RC office 3 days this week. so it wasn't as bad as i feared. but i'm pretty damn tired. and when one is tired, one shouldn't go on myspace. or at least, not log in. learned that lesson today. i don't even want to go into detail. i'm embarrassed that i am even on the damn thing because i feel too old for it. i don't actually use it for much of anything (probably because i don't have friends), but i was bored and snooping. and in my tired state of mind, accidentally clicked a button that i shouldn't have. nuff said. posted at 7:25 PM |  

feeling totally stressed at work all of a sudden. no one bothered to tell me that we have a deadline this tuesday. and people that i need stuff from to do my work are working on other things, for no apparent reason, so i am going to have to rush to get it all done in time...oh, and i spoke with someone last week about a page that needed to be re-done because there were problems with it, and she sent it to me today, but it was all wrong! she totally forgot about the things that we discussed...left those incorrect parts in and changed other things. i got so annoyed when i saw that.

sometimes i feel like i need to be managing the people who are "above" me. seriously...instead of my manager giving me a list of things to do, i had to make a list of things that i needed her to do. and i did so on my own, without her asking me to, just because i knew she wasn't going to remember half of it. i know she has other things on her plate, but still. it seems a bit backwards.

then there's the other forgetful girl...i asked her to do something probably a couple months ago, and also sent her an email reminder, and she still hasn't done it!

and of course, there's the bully - she gets so snippy sometimes...i asked her a couple weeks ago to let me know if she needs certain files. she said she wasn't going to be working on them and that she'd let me know when she needed them. well, today she was like "i never got those files" - WTF?!?! she never asked me for them. because she was working on something else instead, something that we don't even need done by this coming deadline!

anyway, so this is all for the math project. i also have a science project that i am supposed to be working on, but i have only been doing math for the past 2-3 weeks. today, the science manager came to me and asked me to do something for him. worst possible timing, what with the math deadline approaching. i asked if next week would be ok, and he didn't seem happy with that idea. i tried to squeeze in a couple hours for him today, but i don't understand science. it takes forever for me to wrap my brain around anything science-related. so i didn't find any of the stuff he wanted. and i feel like a total idiot and disappointment...he is probably wondering why it is taking me so long...all the stress from the math project wasn't helping matters, that's for sure.

i gotta try to get myself organized this weekend. posted at 5:45 PM |  

home early...had to go pick up tests from a school before it closed. anyway, looks like i'll be in the RC office all of next week...which is going to totally suck. it's also harder for me to work there because my chair/desk set-up is not really great...get shoulder pain, etc. and i don't have an extra monitor there. and i'm tired from driving so far. i'm hoping my manager will let me work in oakland all of the following week to make up for it...it just annoys me when i look forward to being here at my place for a while (thought i was going to be here until next wednesday!), but now i find out i won't be. (i guess i could be if i was willing to drive all the way from here, but i'm not.)

seriously, this is the only reason i want another job. i don't know how long i can do this. posted at 2:58 PM |  

i am so sick and tired of paris. is there no real news? i was so glad when the anna nicole shit was over, but now this?

anyway...i put up a few yosemite pics on flickr. just the typical stuff that many other people have much better pictures of, but whatever.

by the way, ignore the "archived" thing that appears on some of the comment links. something screwy is going on with the commenting system, but it does still work (in case someone actually wants to leave a comment here). posted at 12:17 AM |  

totally forgot to write about something that i was really worked up about.

so...remember the crazy/evil cousins...the ones who i wrote about here. we haven't spoken to them since that incident really...my grandma and aunt have seen and spoken to their mom every now and then, but not on a regular basis or anything, and never by choice - she calls them. and she calls my mom sometimes too, but my mom just tries to keep things to a minimum. anyway, when my grandma was here, she called and invited us over. she lives with her daughters when she is in the US. my grandma knows that my mom won't set foot in either of their houses (especially after i made it clear to her that she wouldn't and neither would i), so she kept making excuses to avoid going. but, this woman wouldn't take no for an answer. so she ended up deciding that she and her daughters would come over to my mom's place. and my grandma said ok, because she didn't know what else to do.

at this point, i was kind of irritated - like, how dare they come to our house? my grandma was like, well, i didn't know what to do because she kept calling and wouldn't leave me alone. she kept saying her daughters wanted to see her, etc. i was pissed, but this is just how indian people are.

i asked my mom if she was going to be at home when they came, or if she wanted to go somewhere...i was totally ready to get the hell out of the house and go elsewhere until they left. but my mom said she needed to stay there to cook and serve food, etc. she was irritated, but she was just going to deal with it. so i stayed too, but i had no desire to talk to them and was planning on giving them the cold shoulder as much as possible.

anyway, so first the older one (the one who made my mom cry) and her husband showed up. she gave my mom a hug and handed her a plant when she walked in - as though nothing had happened! just totally fake. it pissed me off so much when i heard. she has some nerve...like a plant is going to make up for all the horrible things she said to her? she's not sorry, we all know she isn't. and there was no apology. just total fakeness.

i just kinda said hi and walked straight past them. went into the kitchen with my mom and we just stayed there for a long time. the other sister and her husband and baby and mom came. i spoke with them a little - mostly to the husband and the baby though. (i'm a sucker for babies.)

after lunch i was politer than i expected i would be and made conversation with them. and my mom did too. i was so enraged inside though...like, how can they just come over like that after 2 years of no word, no apologies, no nothing??? and just be so totally fake??? and why are we supposed to let them into our house and talk to them?

and the real reason they came: they wanted my uncle to take a package to india. they also had some business that they wanted him to handle for them back in india. i just knew there had to be something behind their visit...so typical...

when they were leaving, they again insisted we come over to their place. yeah, right. we all knew that was BS.

and yesterday, the younger one called and invited me and my mom to her baby shower. we aren't planning on going. i told my mom to just ignore them and not be in contact with them again. everytime they end up seeing each other, something blows up. it's better to just go back to not talking at all. it's clear they are only nice to us when they want something in return, and we don't need people like that in our lives. posted at 6:28 PM |  

so...i guess i'll try to give a chronological re-cap of the past few weeks:

the conference: picking up where i left off...well, the next morning i kind of screwed up the main responsibility i had. i managed to set up the LCD projector for the session, but then after the session, i was supposed to leave it for the next person, and i totally forgot and just packed it all up, and then someone else had to set it up all over again. if i had looked at my notes and the agenda for that day, i would have known. i was just too...out of it.

a few days later, various relatives showed up, including my grandma. i hadn't seen her in so long...it's hard to see her age, how much she has changed physically since i last saw her. she can barely walk anymore. she eats terribly. she is stubborn as ever. and of course, she got on my case a bit about getting married (as expected). anyway, i took a little trip to yosemite with some of them...always happy to tag along on trips to yosemite. i can't believe how disgusting the bathrooms are though. most of them didn't work. i don't remember it ever being this bad in all the times i have gone there in the past...but aside from that, it was nice being out there.

anyway, i was staying at my mom's place the whole time they were here, and it got pretty tiring. my mom tends to get really tense and high strung when there are too many people around. and one uncle who was visiting is the same way. they constantly sound like they are mad or fighting, even if they aren't. it's much more peaceful and quiet now that they are gone.

had sort of a rough time at work last week. this one woman - the one i have mentioned before who talks very loud and doesn't listen to what other people are saying - was upset with me and was complaining to my manger about some changes i had made. my manager is more on my side though. at least, i think she is. that other woman - let's call her "Bully" - is just a very difficult person. she works in LA and just comes up for meetings, so at least i don't have to deal with her on a daily basis. when i first started, i was really scared of her and always felt like she was picking on me. but in time, i really thought things had improved...i thought i had grown on her and that she was starting to respect me. but now, all that got washed away, and i feel like she hates me again. not me as a person, but the work that i put in. and that is just so disappointing to me because i have always thought that i was doing a good job. i hate having the thought in the back of my head that she doesn't like what i am doing. even though i know my manager likes my work, and that the bully is just one of those strong personalities that you have to ignore half the time...it still makes me feel down, you know?

moving on...

my dad's side of the family all went to my cousin's graduation from med school. i was the only one who didn't go, so he was upset with me. truth is, it hurt me when i found out he was going, since he didn't come to my graduation and never even came to visit me when i was in michigan. (excuse me if i already wrote about this...i can't remember if i did or not.) anyway, so he said that she was upset that i didn't go. i had given her some excuse about not wanting to waste my vacation days, and i guess that comment hurt her feelings. (*rolling my eyes*) and that just annoyed the hell out of me, because she has hurt my feelings plenty of times. but no one ever seems to care about my feelings...my dad keeps giving me crap about me not spending enough time with them, but he doesn't realize how bad they make me feel sometimes. i just can't take it right now...i've become ultra-sensitive to certain things, and everytime i see them, i want to cry for one reason or another. so if i'm avoiding them, that's why. truth is, i just had no interest in going to her graduation and hearing people ooh and ahh over the fact that she is going to be a doctor. sick of it. why is that sooooooo damn impressive?

alright, i think that about sums up the past few weeks...as for now...well, i have new upstairs neighbors, which is definitely a good thing. they're much quieter. only problem is someone took a shower at 5:40 AM. i hope that's not a regular thing...if it is, i just hope i'll be able to sleep through it once i get used to it. posted at 5:42 PM |  

sorry for the absence...i'm around. the past couple weeks have just sort of flown by. nothing exciting unfortunately...just had some relatives visiting and stuff like that. i do have some things i want to write about though. will try to update more over the next few days. posted at 10:23 PM |