super, super excited about the game tomorrow, and yet....feeling really bummed out that i don't have more people to enjoy the whole atmosphere with. i will probably go out on my own before the game and walk around to see everything that's going on. but it's not the same as having some company to do that with...to go have a beer with...to go watch the band perform on sproul...everything. i would have even loved to go to the rally tonight if i wasn't all alone.

i'm going to the game with my cousin tomorrow, and i like going to games with her, but lately she just shows up right before the game, or she does stuff with her friends instead of hanging out with me for a while. i really hoped she'd come early tomorrow since it's a late game...hoped that we could have lunch and walk around campus and do all the gameday stuff together. but, she's going to come with her friends and do stuff with them after the game. i suppose if i had any friends who were the least bit into this stuff, i'd be doing the same with them. but i don't. and that depresses me. i still have to find someone else to go to the next game with because she can't come. it's so much trouble...shouldn't be so difficult, but it is. i mean, it's hard enough making new friends to begin with, but making new friends who also happen to like going to cal football games?...feels impossible sometimes. posted at 10:31 PM |  

i'm terrible. i didn't go to work today either. i got up at 7 with the intention of going, but my body just felt so beat up and all i wanted to do was go back to bed. i usually force myself to go because i know i always feel fine once i am out of the shower and out the door, but today i just gave in...i shouldn't make a habit of it though. i feel bad. i want to save up my sick days for when i am actually sick. but i am just totally low on energy right now...and it's like 90 degrees outside. posted at 11:57 AM |  

stayed home today...and aside from a long shower, i've basically been sitting on my ass all day. i need that every now and then.

have a family dinner thing tonight (rakhis, etc.)...i hope it's not too bad. i normally don't mind, but lately i just feel like crying whenever i am around them. and by "lately" i mean like, the past 8 months. and i'm not in the best mood right now either. and i'm sure someone will ask about the giant red patch on my cheek, but i don't feel like talking about my skin issues...they always seem to bring up shit that i don't want to talk about...

alright, i better get up and get dressed. posted at 4:47 PM |  

i don't know if i've mentioned this, but my skin's been looking like crap lately. i've never had great skin, but it's started to get pretty bad at the end of last year, and has continued getting worse and worse. when i was in new york, my cousin gave me some acne medication from europe. she insisted it worked really well and totally cleared up her skin. so, i tried it for a while, and of course, it made my skin about 10 times worse than it already was. it did dry up pimples pretty well...but only after it inflamed them to 5 times their original size.

anyway, so then i got really frustrated and decided to go to an acne clinic. read an article about one particular place a while back, so i thought i'd give it a try. went a few days ago and got a peel and a bunch of products to use. and instructions. pages and pages of instructions. different instructions for different days. different instructions for day and for night. and this is only for the first 2 weeks. then i'll go back and they'll give me a new set of instructions. basically, it's extremely time-consuming. and not at all calming to the skin - quite the opposite actually (except for their moisturizer, which smells really good, even to my ultra-sensitive nose).

anyway, so now my skin is red and peeling and i feel like a complete idiot for starting this treatment. i wish i had done it back when i was working from home...so i wouldn't have to go out in public looking like this. at the very least, i should have waited until winter - i think i'm going to get a lot of sun damage when i go to football games the next couple months. and i can't do certain things to my face that i need to do...i'm just going to look like shit for a while. and i don't even know if it'll be worth it in the end.

why didn't i just go to a doctor and get some antibiotics instead???

i thought once i got the right cleaser and knew what to use on my face, it'd be easy. but it's not. it's so hard. and i don't think i'll keep up with it...i'd like to, but it just takes so long and there are too many steps involved. and it doesn't have immediate results...hard to feel motivated when you can't see right away that this stuff is working. and i can't use any of the other stuff i normally use. it's frustrating...i just want to not feel ugly. is there a pill for that? posted at 11:05 PM |  

my dad was kind enough to climb into the dumpster and get my key out. he was a little annoyed that i hadn't told him earlier, when there was less trash in there. he was also a little annoyed that i didn't just climb in myself when it happened, but 1) i'm just not that resourceful and didn't think i'd be able to get myself in and out of there (being the engineer that he is, he brought 2 step-ladders - one to put inside the dumpster - and he found some sort of pole to prop it open), and 2) i'm a girl and i don't do shit like that.

anyway, don't worry, he did wear gloves while in there, and he showered and changed and all that before going to the restaurant.

meanwhile, i almost had another disaster with my contact lens getting stuck, on the verge of going down the drain. (i didn't realize the stopper was open a tiny crack.) and i had a "hey, where'd my contact lens go?" moment just like i had a "hey, where'd my key go?" moment a few days ago. i think i'm losing my mind. but i was somehow able to rescue my contact lens without having to call my dad for help. (it's like i'm being reminded that i shouldn't move too far away from my parents.)

i think i might call in sick tomorrow. i feel like a mess right now. posted at 6:27 PM |  

i'm an idiot.

and also, i hate being short.

i don't want to go into detail, because it sounds retarded enough when i think about it. but basically, my car keys are now in the garbage dumpster. and to make matters worse, i don't know where my spare keys are. haven't seen them in years.

i don't know what to do. posted at 3:41 PM |  

sometimes i actually start to forget that i live in a college town. and then all of a sudden around this time of year, all these people show up, out of nowhere! and no, berkeley does not turn into a ghost town during the summer like other college towns, but it just gets so over-crowded when students first arrive. there's just so many people out on the streets, so many confused freshman walking around with maps, getting off at the wrong bart stations because they don't realize that north berkeley is not the same as north side.

but i'm not complaining. it only serves to remind me that football season is starting soon! yay! posted at 6:37 PM |  

having trouble publishing...which i suppose no one will realize until all of the new posts decide to show up at the same time. it's somewhat unsatisying to write up something only to have it not post immediately. or days later even. i don't know what's going on. posted at 6:41 PM |  

i went to the RC office on monday, thinking i'd finish grading all the post-tests and that i wouldn't have to go back there again until sometime in september...i was really looking forward to spending entire weeks at my place and catching up on all the things i need to do around here. and getting exercise, walking everyday instead of sitting in my car for hours. but, like it always seems to happen, i keep getting suckered into going back there, sooner and more often than i expected. and oh, it gets worse. my manager there is no longer going to be working in the office on mondays, so my "schedule" has to change. i wanted to cry when she told me. going there on mondays was working perfect for me. and just as i was getting used to it, she's making me change! i was so upset about it, i couldn't even concentrate on work after i found out. i wanted to cry.

should i have spoken up, said something? probably. i just didn't know what. what could i tell her that would be a good reason? i had nothing. and so, as always, i said that's fine. even though it wasn't.

i'm going to try to find a way to weasel out of going there twice a week every week though. once i find an appropriate time.

i just feel like nothing ever goes my way, you know? nothing ever seems to work out the way i want it to. and i get so envious of other people i know, how things seems to fall right into place for them...and i realize that i'm a big part of the problem. maybe i just don't know how to make lemonade. whatever. the point is, i'm tired of it. posted at 9:37 PM |  

i probably should have gone to bed 2 hours ago, but i'm still up. just wasting time...cable is down and i'm on this painfully slow dial-up...

anyway, i don't know if i'm giving the impression that i'm constantly depressed and moping around all the time. i'm not. i smile, i even laugh now and then. it's just when i'm alone with my thoughts sometimes that...well, stuff hits me. it hits me hard.

the other day, i was stuck in some really terrible stop-and-go traffic. just me, alone with my thoughts. and well, those thoughts making me feel miserable. i felt like i needed to just cry over something and get it out, but i haven't had a good cry in ages. i feel like it's not really worth crying over, and that i'm stupid for letting things get to me so much when logically, i know that they shouldn't. i'm just constantly blaming myself for things that i should know are not my fault. but i don't really, truly know it inside. so it just confuses me. if i cry, will i feel better, or will i just feel like more of an idiot? and then trying to pinpoint what exactly i'm upset about...it's impossible most of the time. like, am i really mad at these people, or am i just resentful that they're happy and i'm not? am i jealous of their lives because mine is so crappy? or are they in fact just crappy friends?

and then there's the whole turning 30 thing weighing me down. it's months away, but becoming more and more real and depressing by the day. and i never thought that it would be, but i also never thought i'd be in the state that i'm in now. and the thing is, i'm becoming more and more cowardly and insecure with age. finding things more difficult, and finding excuses to not do things because they are difficult...talking myself out of things that i would have really been excited about doing in the past...i know i need to push myself sometimes, but it's just harder than it used to be, because i don't feel as good about myself anymore. any small set-back, and i just crumble and give up. i wasn't like that before...not sure why i am now.

anyway, i'm starting to feel dizzy from the sleep-deprivation so i think this is enough for tonight. hopefully some of this will make sense to me when i read it later. posted at 12:38 AM |  

i left work in a bit of a hurry today and pretty much left every single pocket/section of my backpack open. didn't even notied until a teenager at the bart station told me. then i was thinking, i passed by 2 people in the office on my way out (both of whom had clear views of my back at some point and even spoke to me briefly), shared an elevator with 3 more people (one of whom was standing directly behind me), passed my several people on the street as i was walking to the bart station, and NO ONE bothered to tell me that my backpack was wide open. the strangers on the street, i'm not that upset about, because i know when i'm walking i'm not really paying much attention to the people around me. but for the people in my office to not say anything (and i was waiting for an elevator at the time so it was pretty clear that i was leaving)? that really bugs me. and the guy behind me in the elevator? he even bumped into my backpack as he was getting out of the elevator on a different floor! how did he not say anything?

i don't understand people... posted at 6:41 PM |  

my manager (or i guess he's my PI? whatever.) sent me a really nice note today telling me he appreciated my work on this science project. which really cheered me up. then he promptly gave me more science stuff to work on.

tomorrow, i'm off to the RC office to grade tests all day. but they're bringing in pizza and cake, so that'll help. posted at 5:44 PM |  

i think all the science stuff is under control now. eventually figured out an equation to model whatever it was...took me a while, but basically, when i made the decision to ignore all the heavy science stuff my manager printed out for me and just go with my gut and whatever little knowledge of calculus is still in the back of my head somewhere, i found something that seems to work. whether it is scientifically sound or not, who knows? i think it's close enough. at least, it does what we want it to do. my manager was quite happy with it - i don't know if he realizes that i didn't use any science to do it, but i also don't think he cares much at this point. actually, i shouldn't get too excited yet, because i don't know if the general equation i came up with will work for the several hundred possible combinations that students can choose...a programmer will figure that out tomorrow, it's off my hands for the moment. i think it should work though. (that poor programmer was kind of freaked out when i handed him all the science material yesterday and told him to try and figure it out!) posted at 6:50 PM |  

i hate car shopping.

test drove a few today...mostly because my dad is really pressuring me to buy a new one soon. not because he is concerned about my safety, but because he wants to give my car to my step-sister, because her car is old and has a lot more miles on it and because she bought a house recently and can't afford to get a new one herself. why her dad can't help her out is beyond me. my dad said he wants to give her my car because he knows she likes my car. well, hello? i like my car too. that's why i haven't bought a new one! the cars i test drove today were ok, but...my car just drives soooo smoothly, despite its age. i personally want a new car because i get worried about my current one breaking down or whatever (especially now that i am driving more and occasionally getting funny smells and hearing funny noises), but i'm not the type that makes quick decisions. and i fear that i'll end up with a car that i don't really love, just to get my dad off my back.

i know, i know - it's just a car. it's not the end of the world. only i could find a way to make getting a new car turn into an awful, depressing thing. i wish i could be excited about it, but 1) i don't like change, and 2) i don't like being pressured to make a change. posted at 3:23 PM |  

i feel like i need someone to pick me up, turn me upside down, and just shake the hell out of me. i'm so wound up inside...feel constricted...fenced in by something. what, i don't know. probably me. but i just can't seem to get myself to let loose. it's been such a long time since i have...i miss that feeling. i wish i could get myself to break through this shell i've built up around me...it's just so damn hard to do. and it keeps getting harder as more time passes...everytime i find myself starting to chip away at some of those layers, i end up wanting to crawl right back in...

i feel like i keep repeating myself, just saying the same thing in different ways. or maybe in the same way, i can't even remember anymore. i'm tired. i need to go to bed. posted at 11:45 PM |  

i intended to write more often, but...i guess i've been working so hard lately that by the time i get home, my brain is mush.

the math stuff got done and sent to the printer a couple days ago. now i have some crazy-ass science stuff that my manager asked me to do - he thought i could figure out "the math" we need. i can't. i was looking at equations and reading advanced science stuff all day, and i can't make any sense of it at all. do you know how frustrating it is to spend an entire day doing that, and to have nothing at the end of the day to show for it? my manager said he'd do some searching...which helps, but i'll feel really bad if he easily finds something that we can work with. i'll feel like an idiot, to be honest. so i hope that instead, he finds a real scientist to talk to. posted at 6:19 PM |  

disappeared again, didn't i?

basically...work was really busy and then i had a bit of a break while we were waiting on other people to proofread. so i took off (totally last minute) for new york. made no plans before going...i honestly didn't think i was going until the night before i left (really long story). but mainly just wanted to spend some time with a relative who i hadn't really spent much time with in 9 years. (whenever i did see her, it was for less than a day.) anyway, she was only going to be in NY for a week, so it was nice that we managed to make it happen. even if it was really hectic. i did manage to see one show (25th annual putnam county spelling bee - really funny) and went to the MoMA, which i hadn't been to before in all my trips there...

anyway, then i came back and work was super-busy. and i have been totally stressed out. and as it is, i needed a vacation to recover from my vacation, so now i'll really, really, really need a vacation once all this work is done. which i fear will never happen because we never seem to make any of our deadlines!

blogger is now working on my mom's old computer, so i'll try to write more often now. i've been going to the RC office a lot lately...i can't remember the last night that i actually spent at my place, which is pretty sad. it was probably the last time i wrote here. feels like ages ago. i can't believe it's august already...kind of freaking out thinking about how much needs to be done and sent out before schools start...the next 2-3 weeks are going to be nuts. it's tiring on my brain, but in a way, i kind of like that i don't have the time to think about more depressing matters... posted at 5:37 PM |