i feel like i'm such a mess these days...just can't seem to keep things together. i want to be more organized and on top of things - i am that way at work, so why can't i seem to do the same in my life? i blame the internet...i'm much more productive when i don't turn on my computer. but i've fallen way off track since i started working full time, and i feel like an idiot for letting it get this bad. and trust me, it's really bad. i don't even feel like going into detail because i am too embarrassed.

must start making lists. and keeping a calendar. and saving important papers in a place where i can find them easily when i need them. and...well, i can go on and on. i just need to be better at being an adult in general. posted at 11:01 PM |  

totally forgot to set my alarm last night (i was at my mom's the night before). woke up at 8:15 - the time i usually leave for work. still, i somehow managed to get to work by about 9:25. i don't know why i can't get ready that fast every morning!

the extra hour of sleep was nice though...makes such a big difference... posted at 6:27 PM |  

having no luck trying to figure out where i can go on vacation...and i know i really need to figure something out soon or else i'll end up not going anywhere at all...i just don't have the energy to plan anything. and i don't have anyone to go with. and i don't want to be stuck with family...not this year. sooooo not in the mood for that...

i'm going to be so depressed if i don't go somewhere. it's just so hard to figure stuff out and i needed to plan this months ago, not now! posted at 11:01 PM |  

had my review at work today...i was kinda hoping (ok, expecting) that i'd get the "exceptional" rating, but...just got the regular ol' good-job rating. i do still get a little raise, but it's pretty much the same percentage that everyone else gets...i'm not special...*sniff sniff*....

i've really been working my butt off, and i think, going beyond what is expected of me on some of the projects, so it kinda sucks. but it wasn't totally unacknowledged. my managers clearly appreciate what i've been doing. just not enough for me to be considered exceptional, apparently. (i was told it's because everyone who works here is an over-achiever to begin with, so the expectation levels are higher than they would be at most companies.)

anyway...so i'm a little disappointed, being the over-achiever that i am, but it's alright. i mean, at least we get raises. unlike my previous job from hell. speaking of which, that company closed down recently. my manager from there actually applied for a job at my current company, but i did not recommend him when i was asked. i hope that it wasn't for reasons that were personal rather than professional. though i admit i was a little too happy about being able to get him rejected. posted at 7:12 PM |  

i hate it when people complain about having too many birthday cakes. or too many people wanting to take them out for their birthday. like this is the biggest problem in their life. boo-fucking-hoo.

and now that i got off my chest...there were some other things that i wanted to write about, but i can't remember what they were. i feel like i sometimes compose posts in my head, but never get around to actually writing them, then down the road, i can't remember whether i actually wrote about certain things, or i just imagined i did.

ok, remembered one thing:

there are times when i feel like i just really want one person that i can talk to freely and honestly about stuff - truly confide in, you know? i mean, half the time i end up using this blog as a replacement for that type of person, since i don't have one. and i feel like, the people who i would consider to be close friends - friends that i would talk to about personal matters - they don't necessarily feel the same way about me. and maybe it's just that they don't like talking about personal matters in general, i get that. but it just bugs me sometimes.

there is one friend who i actually consider to be like a family member, because we grew up together and have known each other our whole lives. anyway, she never tells me when she is pregnant until she is past the 3-month mark. and i get that that is the normal thing to do...but wouldn't you tell a few select, close friends earlier? i think i would, at least. (assuming i had someone to tell.)

ok, maybe that is not the best example (just the most current one, as i just found out 2 of my friends are pregnant), but in general, none of my friends ever really discuss relationship-issues, family-issues, medical-issues - nothing personal. and it makes me feel like i shouldn't be discussing my issues with them, because...it's unfair. i spilled my guts to you, it's not fair that you never spill your guts to me. that type of thing. it's not just friends...family members too. they only want to hear my shit, but they never reveal their own when the tables are turned. maybe that's why i like blogs. like i get a weird connection with regular readers sometimes that i don't get with people who are actually in my life.

anyway...other than that...completely bummed out that cal lost again...and can't fucking believe we are ranked below michigan (makes NO sense to me)...and whatever is wrong with the team better get fixed for the next game. i can't stand to see another loss like that. especially when we should have won, and probably could have won, both of them if not for stupid mistakes. posted at 6:05 PM |  

i'm beat...this week has been nuts. i'm really annoyed with those clients at work. had a really frustrating conference call today (the latest of many)...at times, i think i made some good points, which unfortunately went totally over their heads. and at times, i think i stuck my foot in my mouth and said things that my manager probably wishes i hadn't. and other times, i zoned out completely because i was so damn sick and tired of it! and i forgot that i was going to be the one who had to implement whatever we decided on...and then i got stuck later on while i was attempting to do so. and my manager was too busy with another project to help me out. and now i'm holding up the graphic designer and programmer because of that. and we have a crazy ass deadline (tomorrow) and everyone else has other projects to work on as well...*sigh*...i need a vacation.

anyway. moving on.

i hate it when creepy guys approach me. it would be nice if, now and then, someone relatively normal and un-creepy (and single) approached me, but no. i just get the weird creepy ones...i seriously thought this guy today was going to mug me. he was looking at me weird when i was waiting to catch my train. he kept coming closer and closer, and i was getting a little freaked out, but then i thought, he wouldn't do anything to me in front of all these other people. he just asked me if i was waiting for the richmond train. (even though there are "richmond train" signs everywhere pointing in that direction and no other trains that stop on that particular platform!) anyway, i get in the train, which is half empty, and he decides to plop down right next to me. it just made me so uncomfortable...i didn't look his way at all, but he kept asking me things, trying to talk to me...and he wasn't like, a crazy person (get some of those on bart for sure!). he just didn't seem to get that my lack of eye contact meant that i was uninterested. or that me not replying to his question meant that i didn't want to talk to him. and i feel bad because he was probably harmless, but i just don't like it when creepy strangers try to hit on me. posted at 10:16 PM |  

tired...was up until 2 last night because of (what else?) my upstairs neighbors. they've been really quiet the past 2-3 weeks or so, but i got really irritated last night...i just hate it when i have to ask more than once for certain things that shouldn't be such big issues - for example, using the bathroom fan after midnight. i mean, can't they just buy some air freshener???

anyway. i'm suddenly very busy at work again. it's very on and off...i was bored most of last week, and a bit stressed out this week. but what i really dislike is doing stuff for clients or having to do what other people want, because they often seem to not know what they're talking about. had a conference call with these clients on friday, and i thought i knew what needed to be done...spent some time sketching everything out after the call...then they sent me their documents yesterday, with edits that they made "based on the phone conversation" - and they're so totally different from what i expected. i don't know if they didn't understand what i was saying (it's hard over the phone to explain certain things and to determine whether the people on the other end are on the same wavelength), or if they really want things done their way instead (their way being very awkward and silly imho).

so i'm just generally annoyed right now. and i get torn between doing what i think is right and doing whatever they tell me to do. and my manager tends to leave me in charge of certain things that i'm not sure i should be in charge of. so i feel insecure and second-guess myself constantly and wonder what he expects me to do, and if he agrees with the decisions i make...it wears me out. i'd much prefer to 1) not have clients (or have smarter clients!), 2) be able to do whatever i think is right, and 3) be able to ask someone else when i'm not sure. posted at 6:31 PM |  

completely bummed out...i don't handle these emotional games very well. and given the circumstances of this one - #1 being up for grabs - it was just gut wrenching. lots of questionable choices made...and well, it always sucks to lose because of a mental mistake. too many what-if's in this game...some great plays as well, but when you don't come out on top...*sigh*... posted at 8:44 PM |  

been meaning to write more, but i just haven't had much to say. life feels a bit boring these days. and somehow weeks keep passing by and i feel like i don't get anything done...

what i really want to do is plan a trip in november - mainly to be out of town for my birthday. initially thought about going to new york again because my grandma is going to have surgery soon, but...i honestly don't want to hear all my relatives asking why i haven't "found a boy" yet and not-so-subtly reminding me of my age over and over again. i honestly just want to get away from everyone i know...but, that takes planning and i haven't given it much thought. and before i know it, it'll be november already. and i have so much to do. i get stressed out just thinking about it. and i tend to avoid adding additional stresses to my life these days, including going out of town. not intentionally - i'd love to go on vacation and get a break - but i just can't seem to get motivated to do things that will require some time and effort or that might potentially make it harder for me to get other things done. so...i don't know. i'm drawing a blank on ideas anyway. (feel free to provide suggestions if anyone has any.) posted at 6:33 PM |  

cal's up to #2 - and they didn't even play this week. if lsu (#1) would have lost (and they nearly did, for those of you who don't watch), i would have totally freaked out. as it is, i was sitting there saying "holy shit" all evening after the usc loss. i still hate stanfurd for beating them though...it kind of takes the fun out of things a bit...would have liked them to be undefeated when we played them. and really, did it have to be stanfurd, of all teams?

what a crazy season so far. and a lot can still happen between now and december. it'll be interesting to see how things turn out...i just feel nervous about us being ranked so high. nervous, but excited. just hope we can manage to stay up there! posted at 7:19 PM |  

so hard to write once i stop doing it regularly...

nothing exciting to report, but i had this terrible allergic reaction to something that those acne specialist people did to my face! not fun. i didn't leave the house for 3 days. i've never had my face swell up like that before...only seen it in movies, and i always thought they were exaggerating, but it's really freaky when it happens to you. i wanted to cry whenever i looked in the mirror because i was so horrified. but supposedly they now know what i am allergic to...part of me thinks i should stop going there, but on the other hand, my acne has cleared up quite a bit. so, i'll see how it goes...i am pissed off that they allowed this to happen, given that i have reacted badly to other things they've given me. but maybe i'm just way more allergic to a lot more things than most people...anyway, all will be forgiven if my skin is completely clear a month from now (assuming no more freaky allergic reactions).

work has been pretty slow and boring. the graphic designer is working on a new layout, and i hate it. the old one looks so much better to me. and this new one will be harder for me to work with, because it is a bit more free-form...less structured in terms of margins and width of text boxes. i just don't like it. i liked the structure. i liked having the same spacing on all the pages. in fact, i was really anal about it. i just think it makes everything look neater and more professional when there is that consistency. but, i have little say in the matter, and the manager likes her designs, so...i guess i am stuck with them. posted at 6:36 PM |