my dad took me out to dinner last night, and as usual, said some things that upset me. i've been in a terrible mood all day today because of that...keep hearing it re-played in my head. i know he didn't intend to hurt my feelings, but he just does. and no one understands...all my friends who meet him think he is the nicest person in the world. all my cousins think he is the nicest uncle. everyone thinks i am soooooo lucky to have such a nice dad...guess they don't realize that even nice people can be pretty cruel sometimes. just because it's not intentional doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. and he wonders why i've been avoiding him...if i say anything to him about it, he'll go tell my other relatives, and i'll get even more shit from them. i just don't want him talking about me to anyone...all they do is make fun of me all the time. i know he's concerned about me, but it's too little, too late. damage is already done. all i really want from him now is to just let me be... posted at 10:53 PM |  

took today off as well. which is a good thing because i had some irish coffee last night and didn't fall asleep until 4. but i probably won't get most of the things done today that i wanted to. sometimes i feel really determined to do certain things, but then i lose interest and motivation when the time comes. or i find other things that also need to be done, and the stuff that i wanted to do for myself kind of gets put on the back burner, you know?

anyway...i'm ok, in case it sounded like i wasn't yesterday. more than anything else, i just feel hurt sometimes. it's different from feeling sad or lonely or whatever...and people don't seem to understand. they think i'm depressed or that i'm not going out enough...but that's not it. i like having alone-time because that is the only time i really feel free. and if i avoid certain people, it's because they hurt me in some way. i have to be careful these days about my mood and about how sensitive i am feeling...if i'll be able to let things slide or if i think i'm going to end up in tears...and there are certain people and situations that definitely trigger emotions inside of me. birthdays in particular are difficult...especially big ones like this. posted at 12:02 PM |  

well, so far my day has been completely depressing.

first, a bunch of my relatives in india called. i wish i hadn't answered. they have a way of saying things that really upsets me. and yes, i know that wasn't their intention, but it's like they are always making fun of me or making me feel pathetic...and what's worse is that it is based off of what other relatives here have told them. it's a really shitty feeling when your own fucking family thinks you are a loser and tells others about how much of a loser you are.

anyway, then i check email...nothing.

one IM, which ended up making me upset as well...

i just want to go back into bed and start the day over. is that possible? posted at 12:04 PM |  

ack. i'm 30.

no, i don't feel any different. it's just weird to say it. thirty.

anyway, i'm taking the day off from work to mull it over and sulk a bit. (truth is, i'm just tired and needed an excuse to take time off since i didn't go on a vacation.) posted at 12:13 AM |  

got a really sweet card in the mail today...and although cards always cheer me up, i felt a little sad reading it. it's hard to explain...i just feel like there have been certain people in my life that i could have been really close friends with, but we didn't quite become that close for whatever reason (probably me), and now...well, i look back and think i should have made more of an attempt. but, it's hard...i mean, you never know who's going to be the one to stick around and send you birthday cards every year, and who's going to be the one to completely disappear from your life and not ever call or write. back then, i probably didn't even realize all the good things about this one friend...and now, i look back and wish that we had gotten closer. i wish that i hadn't stopped hanging out with her as much when i met other, more fun people. sure, they made me laugh a lot and i was happy at the time, but not a single one of them has kept in touch. anyway...this was many, many moons ago and i need to let go. it just sucks when i think about it. posted at 9:43 PM |  

i hate it when i feel this irritability coming on and can't do a damn thing about it. posted at 11:45 PM |  

thanksgiving was pretty damn boring this year...none of my cousins showed up (well, one came very late after dinner), and no other random funny people came. just one kooky hippie lady. but she made things more awkward than funny. i didn't like the desserts. and we skipped the appetizers, which would have likely been my favorite part.

and i woke up too late to go shopping today. not that i ever go early, but i thought if i woke up at a decent hour, i might. oh well... posted at 12:13 PM |  

my manager left me a voicemail telling me to leave work early today...he's super nice. i like working for nice people. not that my previous employer made us work all day on thanksgiving-eve...but my manager is nice overall, even on non-holidays.

my laptop is still working somehow. i'm pretty amazed.

by the way, i did set aside the money for lasik in my fsa, so i guess this means i need to actually do it. but now i'm freaking out.

met up with an old friend from jr high today...and she had lasik recently, so that reassured me a bit.

that's about it. going to try to use this bit of time to clean my apartment a little. posted at 4:53 PM |  

had another water spill at work today. and this one was a little worse than the first because i didn't realize it had happened, and i was off in another office on a conference call. so my macbook was essentially sitting there in a puddle for a good half an hour. all the water was basically pooled up around it and underneath it though, wasn't actually on the keyboard area or anything. so somehow, it still works. and hopefully will continue to work tomorrow...though, what are the chances that it survives not one, but two spills??? i'm sure some must have gotten in somewhere...the battery was dry by the time i got to it and took it out. but man, i was freaking out... posted at 7:14 PM |  

i can't believe cal lost again! this sucks...and talk about mental lapses - when you fuck up the coin toss, that doesn't bode well for the actual game.

oh well. at least longshore looked better... posted at 5:45 PM |  

just realized i only have 20 whenever minutes left on my cell phone to last me until the end of the month. i normally don't use it too much, but i guess i've been working in oakland most of this month, which means i've been walking home from bart, which means i've probably been on my phone for 20 minutes a day during those walks. and i've been calling my grandma everyday because she had surgery last week and is getting bored living in the nursing home. i just never thought to even check my minutes until tonight. glad i did. would have probably gone over on monday if i hadn't.

anyway...had another deadline for work today, and my boss was out of town again and left things in my hands. i still didn't handle it as well as i should have, but it wasn't as bad as last time. one was just a storyboard, so it can easily be changed if he doesn't like what i did. the other was a final programmed version, and it ended up fine, but the producer got kind of annoyed with me (understandably) because i told her the text was fine earlier this week, but then had minor changes to every page today. totally my fault - little things i should have noticed earlier but didn't. not like me at all, but i've just been so busy...it's hard to remember every little thing sometimes. but i do think the remaining work will go better, now that i know what types of things to look out for ahead of time... posted at 11:56 PM |  

i'm depressed again. had been in a relatively good mood over the past month or so, despite the whole turning 30 thing and the lack of money thing...but now i am back to wanting to cry, for reasons that i don't feel like going into. i just set myself up for disappointment sometimes, and then when it hits (as it did this afternoon), it hurts like hell.

and now i think the next couple weeks are going to be even more miserable than i had anticipated. posted at 6:35 PM |  

i get kinda bummed out when i find out how much money other people i know are making. especially when those other people are not highly educated and/or did not go to a "good" school. and i'm not saying that it's not fair. they probably deserve it. i just feel like i should have been more assertive in going after the type of job i want. because i should be making as much as those other people. i know this job i have now is a bit beneath me at times. but it's my fault for not doing more in the 5 years before i started this job...i'm somehow just not as ambitious as i used to be when i was in school. and i think i've become less and less ambitious over the years. and i guess this is the reason i'm making so little in comparison to those other people. and they are ambitious. they have that inner drive. that's what i really envy most about them...i stopped going after the things i wanted at some point and just settled, hoping it would lead to something better, but not really pursuing anything better.

one reason may be that i am scared of having to work hard all the time. i don't think i'd have the energy for a more demanding job. i'm fairly comfortable now - not completely bored all the time, but i'm also not completely worn out all the time, you know? i get worried about taking on a more challenging job. just feel like i won't have enough stamina...or that i'd be in over my head.

anyway...not contemplating any sort of change now. it's just that whole 'turning 30' thing sneaking up on me. i know i should be doing better than i am, and it's frustrating that i'm not. posted at 7:51 PM |  

got completely soaked at the game tonight...i cannot remember it ever raining for an entire game like that. would have been worth it if cal had won, and i really thought they would find a way to pull it out, but...same old shit that's been happening since october. i don't know what's wrong with our quarterback. well, i mean, the ankle obviously. but...i don't know. it's just frustrating to watch him now. (specifically, it's frustrating to watch him throw interceptions on key drives and kill any chance we had of winning!)

this season has been so disappointing. i feel sad for the seniors this year...so many really good players, such high expectations, and...because of our qb, they didn't really get the chance to do as well as they should have. anyway...still got 2 games and a bowl...hopefully the team turns things around and end on a better note. posted at 1:11 AM |  

had to work late tonight to meet that deadline...it got a little crazy, and i'm not very happy with myself, but...my manager was out of town and put me in charge, so i did the best i could considering that the multimedia people are all located in a different office. there's stuff that just gets lost over email. especially when it is sent at the last minute and when multiple people are sending multiple emails, and my manager kept calling me on the phone and having me communicate what he wanted to other people...*sigh*...whatever. it's done. it's not great, but it's not terrible either. just got stressed about last minute changes - stuff not fitting on the screen, etc. and we all should have known that it wouldn't fit on the screen ahead of time, so it was a bit stupid that we were dealing with it at the last minute. but anyway...

supposed to go meet up with relatives for diwali. i'm so tired though. and i'm probably not dressed appropriately - sweats, faded shirt, no jewelry...hard to believe i am indian sometimes. the other indian girl in my office was decked out in indian clothes and big gold earrings and what not. and she didn't even have any plans - was spending the night alone at home because her family was out of town. i guess i am just not as festive as some people. posted at 7:01 PM |  

was able to get a lasik consultation today, at the actual place where i intend to get it done. and now that i am officially a candidate...and have already made all my appointments and everything...i have to actually make the decision. within a week. it's kind of freaking me out. posted at 7:30 PM |  

so stressed out. too much to worry about all of a sudden. my fault, probably. (well, except for the work deadlines. i can't do anything to prevent those.)

i was all gung-ho about getting lasik done sometime next year...really sick of my glasses and contacts. and i have a good discount through my vision plan at work. and most importantly, a flex spending account. unfortunately, i did not realize that the deadline for changing the amount of money i put in this account is next week. but, i can't go ahead and put thousands of dollars in that account if i am not 100% sure that i can and will get the surgery sometime next year. and the place my opthamologist recommended is all booked up, naturally. so i can't get a consult from them to make sure that i am a candidate...quickly scrambled around the internet this afternoon and called some other random place, just to try to get a consult. (i am gambling that if one place says i am a candidate, then the place i actually want to go to for the surgery will also feel the same way!) i did manage to get a consult at that other place next week...so first thing's first, i'll see what they say.

the thing is, i would normally research the hell out of this, but i just haven't had the time. and now i have to commit by next week (assuming i get the go ahead during the consult)! it's a bit scary...i'm getting a little nervous about it...just too much, too fast...i do really want to get it done though. (and yeah, i'm saying this based on absolutely no research into side effects and possible complications...real smart.)

anyway, aside from this mess, there is the whole dealing with the insurance company mess. i cannot for the life of me figure out their website. and it pisses me off, because i think they intentionally try to make it as difficult and confusing as possible for people to understand their benefits and take full advantage of them. and, i can't access my account on my mac at work. it's so frustrating. and i guess the whole lasik thing becomes moot if i can't figure out how to change the amount in my fsa in the first place. i may very well lose most of the money i put in it this year, just because i can't figure out how to send in my claims!

so i'm trying to get a handle on all this crap, while also making sure i meet my deadlines for work, which i'm a bit worried about because my manager is out of town, the production manager is out sick, the artist doesn't seem to understand what i want, and i have no clue what the programmer is doing or if he'll be done in time. and i'm in charge - just for the next 2 days, but we have 2 things due on friday. this is all for science. for math...i have whole other issues. it's just not fun right now. the graphic designer made this really annoying template that is extremely hard to use (in comparison to the old template), and it will take me much, much longer to do the layouts than it used to. and most of it is graphic design work. as opposed to looking at the material and figuring out how it can be arranged to make it better for the students or to make the concepts clearer...that is the part i enjoy doing. the math ed part. not moving shit around to line it up with grid lines and crap. that's just a pain in the ass.

then, there's this computer issue i'm having at home. my computer started making weird noises. i emailed tech support, hoping that would be better than the phone version. anyway, so the guy wanted me to open up the computer and figure out where the noise is coming from. i opened it up today, and guess what? not making the damn noise anymore. i re-started 4 times. no noise. so now what do i do? the warranty is running out next month. i'm worried. just another thing to be stressed about...*sigh*...

i am so going to need a vacation after all this shit is over. but oh - i didn't have time to plan one. fuuuuuuuuck. posted at 7:05 PM |