i'm SO happy that lost is back on...even if it's just for a little while. i miss tv.

not much else going on with me these days...but maybe that's a good thing. posted at 11:14 PM |

my department at work is starting to expand and hire more people...i was looking at the ads they put up today - one for another position like mine and another that's a step higher. what's irritating is that my position only requires a BA. the next position up requires a master's, but even though i have a master's, i was hired for the lower position. i don't really get it. i mean, i guess it was a funding thing, but we've got plenty now, so shouldn't they bump me up? maybe i just don't have enough research experience...but what skills i did obtain in my grad program, they aren't using! it's really frustrating. i can't just keep doing this, you know? i feel like i'll never get anywhere...

i'm working primarily on the math layout stuff right now...and while i like being able to give input and suggestions, i feel like doing the actual layouts is a waste for me. i'm just not a graphic designer. and i feel like i was hired at the lower position because of this project (since i was working on this project before i was hired full time and they don't want to leave me). what i'm getting at is - i wish they would hire someone else to do the layouts for math, which would free up my time to work on more technology-related projects...albeit in science, which i'm not a fan of. but it'll definitely be more in line with what i studied...

of course, as soon as i start working on those science projects, i'll probably feel like i'm in over my head. but i did ok with the last bunch...sort of...

i hope they hire science ed experts at the very least. i'm so tired of having these people with only BAs in non-technical fields and no education coursework making more money than me at the same job!

one girl in my department is the same age as me, has no education degree, but has her own office and has an admin assistant. meanwhile i am making copies and shit like that (just once in a while, not too often)...looking up random science stuff online...typing up very long hand-written things that other people dump on me....etc. i just feel like i'm years behind where i should be. posted at 6:54 PM |

ever think that someone is a really good, genuine person, only to have that impression of them get completely wiped away years later? it brings up all sorts of doubts...and it makes me angry. when you know that someone is manipulative, it's a different matter. much easier to shrug things off - because "that's just the way he/she is." but when you think someone is totally sweet and nice, and they turn out to be manipulative, or they take advantage of you or do something that is just plain wrong...it's really hard to figure out. like, you can't really believe that this person would do something like that. i don't mean to be so vague...it's just a long story and i don't want to go off and make myself more upset. i'm just so disappointed right now. it's hard when you see someone's true colors, and they aren't pretty. posted at 6:36 PM |

feel like i haven't written in a while...nothing much to say, really...had a couple of all-day meetings at work this week...those things always wear me out. i speak much more now than i used to though, so i guess that's a good thing. except of course when i say something stupid, but i don't think i do that too often. and we finally stopped getting the same stupid sandwiches...i was so sick of those. i think we ordered lunch from that one place every single meeting last year...and i tended to order the exact same sandwich every time because their menu was weird and i didn't want to try anything else. not that the food we got in its place was any better in quality, but at least it was a change...i feel really picky about food. more often than not, everyone at the table raves about how good it is, and i'm eating the same thing and think it's crap. i think they're the ones with the problem though, because they don't seem to know what good food is. posted at 11:27 PM |

took a sick day yesterday, even though i wasn't really sick. i know i said i would try not to do that too often, but i just felt brain-dead on wednesday and needed a break. my upstairs neighbors came back already, even though school doesn't start until the 22nd. so bathroom noises combined with me wondering if there's a mouse in my room made it really hard for me to sleep most of this week. i really need to figure something out...as in, figure out a way to fall asleep. i can't make it through the whole week on ~6 hours/night (if that).

in addition to the lack of sleep, being out of my contacts is fucking up my eyesight. i get headaches. things are blurry. and i've still got another month to go...*sigh*...i don't know how i'm going to do it. initially i was just bothered by this "weight" on my nose that i had completely forgotten about while wearing contacts for the last 15 years or so...but my glasses were weaker than my contacts in the first place (haven't gotten them replaced in about 4 years i think), and now with my eyesight getting worse day by day...it just makes it so hard to see. i don't like the strain. i don't like feeling blind when i'm driving at night. i just want to hurry up and have the surgery already!!! i'm just hoping that my eyes stabalize in time and i won't have to postpone it further...that would totally suck. posted at 11:44 PM |

finally caught a mouse. there are probably some more running around, but at least there's been some progress. i think there's one under my desk right now, but i don't want to look.

work is a bit slow right now...finished the stuff i was supposed to get done by friday on tuesday, so that left me 3 days to fill up with...well, other little things that i was just given, but that i don't feel like doing. and it's certainly not going to fill up 3 days. i spent most of today reading the user guide for endnote. that reminds me, i have another user guide i can read as well. and i was asked to draft an email to send to some "experts" asking for help/suggestions but i am totally avoiding that. i know i need to do it, but i hate writing things like that. i feel terrible at it...i know my manager will clean it up, but i'm just embarrassed to send him my version... posted at 6:35 PM |

i think the mice have somehow figured out how to out-smart my traps. it's really annoying. i heard one trap go off, but there was no mouse caught. and all the bait was gone. i don't understand...i'm positive i did set the trap correctly. i mean, i've had enough practice! i bought some different types of traps as well so i guess i'll try those...so annoying... posted at 2:38 PM |

hardly slept last night...fucking mice, man. whenever it gets cold and rainy outside, they invade. i should have known they would eventually make it into my room again, since i keep no food for them in the kitchen. (i don't keep any in my room either, but that doesn't stop them from exploring.) so anyway...i woke up at 5 because i heard one rummaging around my desk. turned on the light in the hopes that it would scamper out - i didn't have my glasses on, so i couldn't really see, but it sure sounded like there were at least 2 or 3 of them. i couldn't go back to sleep after that. whenever i started to doze off, i'd hear a noise and wake up again.

bought 3 new mousetraps on my way back home today. i think the one i had was defective...all the bait was gone, yet there was no mouse trapped in it. stupid thing.

it's cold and rainy again tonight, so i'm expecting them to be back. but hopefully the only thing that'll wake me up will be the sound of the traps. posted at 7:49 PM |

i've had kind of a rough time over the past week...feeling better now, but overall, the holidays were pretty miserable for me this year.

i don't really feel like going into detail, but the other day, my mom said something that really got to me - in a bad way. i don't remember her exact words, but she basically expressed a lot of frustration with me, or with my life, and kind of indicated that it was making her miserable. i didn't say anything in response, but what i thought to myself was "as if i'm not frustrated too??? as if this is what i want my life to be like??? as if i'm happy???"

i'm probably not doing a great job describing this. i just hate it when she only looks at things through her eyes, and not through mine. does she actually think that i like my life? that i want things to stay the way they are? she made it seem like i was intentionally living like this to make her miserable!

there's a lot more, but it's hard to explain...basically, i turned out the way i did because of her, so i don't feel like she has a right to complain about certain things. and yeah, i'm aware of the fact that i'm an adult now (supposedly), and that i can't use my parents as an excuse for all the things that are wrong with my life, but i also don't think they can blame me for making them miserable, you know? there's a quote i'm thinking of, but i can't remember it...anyway, they can't always expect me to be perfect and to give them everything they want. it was easier when i was younger - easier to be a good kid than it is to be a "good" adult (not good as in being a good person, but as in being happy, married, successful, well-adjusted, etc.). and i think me being such a good kid back then has made it much harder for me as an adult. i don't know if that will make sense to most people, but that's the best i can explain it right now. posted at 10:08 PM |