have to go to jury duty tomorrow...it's the first time that i actually have to report. i don't really mind - kind of bored at work right now. but, they never seem to change my address, even though i fill out the damn form every year, so i have to go to a courthouse that's like an hour away from where i live. annoyed about that...

anyway...there are times i feel like i give out way too much information about myself here. i'm well aware that there are some crazy people out there on the internet; i just never think they might be reading this. i bring this up because someone (a total stranger to me) recently implied to someone that he knew me. and in fact, i have never met or even heard of this person, so i'm a little concerned...and if that person is reading this, you probably know who you are, so i just wanted to let you know that i think you're a scumbag.

(no, i don't know for sure that the person got my name from here, but i just think it's a possibility...and i can't really think of any alternate explanations at the moment.) posted at 5:20 PM |

i hadn't seen most of the movies nominated for oscars this year...just juno and atonement, which were good, but didn't really "wow" me...so i wasn't really rooting for anything in particular - except "falling slowly" for best song (yay!). if you haven't seen "once," i recommend it for that song alone. i think it's one of my favorite movie songs ever (at least, in the 2000's). and i'm so glad marketa got to say something. i was cursing out stick man...i mean, don't they have monitors down there, so the conductor can see that someone else wants to speak?

anyway...i don't know if i'll see no country or blood or sweeney...they seem so...unpleasant. i've got enough unpleasantries to deal with in my own life.

i'm better than i thought i would be though. keeping myself distracted. i don't want to cry anymore. it's almost like i've become used to feeling a certain disappointment in people. maybe it'll hit me like a brick later, how upset i am inside, but for now, i'm managing...

my eyes feel stressed out though. it's so hard to get them to relax, especially at moments when i am specifically trying to relax them. one thing i didn't realize about the lasik was how long it takes to get normal eyesight back. everyone talks about how they go back to work so soon and can see great, etc. and i'm not saying i can't work or that i can't see...but, it's just hard to read, hard to focus, and hard to be patient... posted at 9:39 PM |

i had a really hard time falling asleep last night, but was feeling better once i got to work and was distracted by other things. had meetings all day...everyone had powerpoint presentations, and i was sitting at the furthest possible point from the screen where they were being shown, so it was really hard on my eyes...like they were trying to focus on the words, but couldn't. i find that i can't stare at any one place for too long or i start to get headaches. and it was tough because i was worried that if i closed my eyes for a few minutes, they'd think i was falling asleep during the presentation.

i really hope my eyesight does get better than this. it seems like it is improving a tiny bit, but i'm not sure. i'm kind of seeing a ghost image with my left eye that i am concerned about...initially i thought it would just go away with time, but now i'm not sure. trying to be patient...

anyway, one of the people who presented was a psychometrician. i had never heard of psychometrics before, but it was really interesting to see what he does. you can apparently do some pretty cool shit with bayes nets...we're going to be using them in a new project we're starting...i should have been a stat major instead of math...looks so fun.

but now i am home and poopy again and likely will be for a while. i absolutely hate the feeling of...whatever this is that i'm feeling. it's hard when you start to have doubts about friends...about whether or not they actually are your friends...about whether or not they even give a shit about you...i'll survive, but i just find it so hard to make friends in the first place, and i'm starting to feel like whenever i do, they either vanish or i reach a point where i have to just give up on them...it's hard either way. posted at 6:37 PM |

i don't feel like going into detail, but i just want to cry right now...i hate it when a friend does something i just don't understand...all i want is an explanation...preferably the truth and not something made-up...but i can't get one. and it hurts so much to not know and not understand at all...and me being me, i take everything internally and assume that it's because of me, that i'm the problem...i should know better, but i'm a fucking idiot sometimes.

i wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow...meetings all day...i really have to go to bed - i just hope that i can fall asleep with all this crap weighing me down. and by the way, the only time my eyes do irritate me is when i'm lying in bed unable to sleep... posted at 11:43 PM |

back from my follow-up appointment - everything's ok. no wrinkles, no infection...still seeing pretty close to 20/20...not quite as sharp as it was last thursday, but i'm hoping it'll get better over the next few weeks as i was told...

anyway, i just heard some sad news about someone passing away...i didn't know him, but the circumstances are really sad. see, my grandma (and many elderly indians) avoid surgery as much as possible, unless of course they will die or go blind without it. but my grandma was finally convinced to go through with knee surgery a few months ago, and she recovered very nicely and is feeling much relief from it. so, this other elder family friend saw her and spoke to her and decided that he, too would go through with it. and well, he didn't make it. he just had the surgery a few days ago and passed away this morning. so now my grandma is feeling really terrible about it because she's the one who convinced him to do it...i'm certain now that she won't be getting her other knee done anymore. or any other surgeries that people tell her to do. and she definitely won't recommend it to anyone else...even if it turns out that he had some other health issues that caused the death, i know my grandma has got to be feeling really guilty inside. everyone is in total shock about it - you just don't expect that someone going for knee surgery will die. i certainly wouldn't have been prepared for it if anything had happened to my grandma. posted at 5:15 PM |

it's getting harder and harder to avoid accidentally touching my eyes. haven't rubbed them or anything, but when i'm doing normal stuff (meaning, not lying in bed with my goggles on), i sometimes forget about how careful i need to be. have another appointment tomorrow, so i'm hoping that everything's ok and i haven't put wrinkles in the flaps...though it is pretty common for that to happen. more importantly, i'm hoping there's no infection. i'm not great at putting in eye drops to begin with, but it's really hard to do it 20-25 times a day for 5 days and not accidentally touch the tip of the bottle to my eye occasionally...so stressy.

anyway, the worst part is definitely the blister from the goggles. i'm not happy about that. tonight's the last night that i have to sleep with them on, so i hope the blister goes down soon...

i had to go get my hair washed at a salon, but it's no comparison to being able to do it myself in the shower. i can't wait until i can do that again...i hate feeling all greasy and itchy on my scalp...

going back to work tomorrow...not sure how that will go. i've been avoiding the computer all weekend...my eyes seem to get tired after 15-20 minutes, so i don't know how i'll feel tomorrow. guess i'll just leave early if i can't do it. glad i don't have any major deadlines right now. posted at 10:11 PM |

it's so hard to pass the day when i can't really be on the computer or read or watch tv much...but i'm not one to complain about being in bed all day, taking it easy : )

anyway, so at my follow-up appointment yesterday, i was 20/20 in my right eye and 20/25 in the left. overall (with both eyes open), i can see great (especially outdoors). i was told that it would fluctuate and probably get a bit worse over the next week or two due to swelling, then again improve after that. so far, i haven't noticed any fluctuation though. i'm kinda wondering if they said that just to cover their bases and make me feel like everything's fine, even if it's not. the optometrist said something to another doctor about there being something under the flap in my left eye, but i didn't quite catch it. i should have probably asked about it ...but i didn't...and he didn't say anything to me, so i'm hoping it's not serious and will go away with time. i just kinda wish i could go to my regular optometrist for all the follow-up appointments, just because i trust him and know that he's always honest with me.

but aside from that, it's not been nearly as bad as i thought it would be. i haven't felt any itchiness or dryness. have not felt the need to rub my eyes at all. just a tiny bit of graininess on the day of the procedure, but it was rare and barely noticeable. usually went away if i changed my head position slightly. the worst parts are: 1) having to sleep with goggles on, 2) not being able to wash my face, 3) the bad taste in my mouth whenever i put my drops in. so, nothing terribly serious.

as for the procedure itself, it was very quick and i never felt any pain during or afterwards. there was some discomfort from the thing they put on to keep your eyes open, and the suction thing, and when they peeled off the tape they used to keep my eyelashes down. for me, the second eye was easier - i think i was too nervous on the first eye because i didn't know what to expect. was much more relaxed for the second eye.

anyway...that's about it. i'm putting in drops every hour and trying to keep goggles or sunglasses on as much as possible, just to be on the safe side. no discomfort in my eyes at all. the goggles are a pain, but i think that's because of my high nose bridge or something...so basically, just hoping that my left eye improves. posted at 3:58 PM |

everything's ok. i can see. can't be on the computer long. will provide more details later... posted at 1:08 PM |

i was told to avoid dust for the first week after surgery, so i'm suddenly very paranoid about this. i've been trying to clean my apartment thoroughly, but i don't have much time, so as thoroughly as possible in one night, with allergies. i hope i didn't make things worse by doing this now...i wish i had cleaned all weekend. my apartment was very dusty - probably still is. i hate that i live like this...but it's hard with my insane allergies to get myself to clean (especially dust) regularly. of course, all that dust sitting around probably was not helping any. i really want to try to be cleaner. it's just...hard.

anyway, valley girl at work is getting incredibly annoying. i've started picking up some of her common phrases (especially "that's, like, totally ridiculous" which i probably hear at least 5 times a day) . i want to hit myself whenever i say it. and i'm not the only one annoyed by her...there's a programmer who sits a couple cubicles further down who also noticed the funny tune to her voice. he got some noise-cancelling headphones - that probably helps. i'll be sad when he moves to another office...he's the only one i talk to (aside from my manager). and now we've started to IM so we can make fun of her. it's nice to have someone to laugh with at work...funny how we bonded over valley girl.

on a related note, i've noticed a pattern: i don't like people who sneeze weird. valley girl is one of them.

anyway, aside from all that...i've got a baby shower to go to in a couple weeks. i assumed it would be a nice little gathering...some of her family members and say, a dozen or so, female friends...well, you want to know how many people are actually coming? at least 50. yes, FIFTY. so far. some have not yet replied. fucking insane - i've having anxiety just thinking about it. people are bringing their spouses and kids...and well, a lot of people were invited to begin with. and i'm so torn - i want to go because she's my friend, but...i don't do well at these things. in fact, i stress over it. in the back of my head, i'm thinking up possible scenarios for me to avoid it. it's terrible. i hate that i've become like this, and it's hard to explain to people who don't have the same sort of problem...i thought it's supposed to get easier as you get older, but for me, it's gotten worse. especially the past 2 years. i don't know what's wrong with me...

alright, i think i've written enough tonight. not supposed to use the computer much for the next few days, but i'll check in when i can and let you know how it went... posted at 10:39 PM |

i sometimes make rash decisions without taking the time to think them through...only to realize a minute too late that i did something really stupid.

i'm hoping lasik is not one of these.

i was referring to an order that i just placed on amazon, which it won't let me cancel....oh well. no big deal. just bought something i don't really need.

on the other hand, if something goes wrong with my eyes, it'll be a huge deal.

my problem is that, when i do think things through a lot, i end up not doing it. or not buying it. i need to find some middle-ground at some point... posted at 7:18 PM |

can't write much because my pupils are still dilated from my final pre-op appointment this afternoon. just wanted to say that i am really starting to get nervous now. the surgery is on wednesday...i don't feel prepared, i don't feel like it's really happening...last month just passed by so quickly. i keep wondering if i should have looked into other surgeons...or if i should even be doing this in the first place! i know 4 people who've had it done, and they're all happy...keep trying to reassure myself that it'll be ok...but i get so paranoid sometimes. always find something to worry about...

i have a feeling i won't be able to fall asleep tuesday night. posted at 11:40 PM |