it occurred to me recently that i've been feeling a lot happier at work lately - not that i was unhappy before, but...it's just become more pleasant now that i've become a little chummy with that one programmer a few cubes down. i feel more like my old self when i am joking around with him. it's nice to have that...i'm sure he thinks i'm weird and too quiet, but i also make him laugh now and then, so i don't think he minds. anyway...so yeah, being social is a good thing. making friends is a good thing. talking to people is a good thing. (provided these people are nice and won't make me cry.) posted at 6:22 PM |

quick 6-week update on my vision: it's MUCH better now than it was 2 weeks ago. the ghosting in my left eye is reducing - i still see it sometimes (mostly in low light), but it's not as bad as it once was. the computer screen is less blurry now. i still think my right eye's a little far-sighted, but i can see it trying to focus sometimes. maybe i've just gotten used to having one blurry eye, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i'm still on the fence as to whether it was worth it or not, but it's a good sign that things are still improving.

oh - the one negative that i've noticed in the past 2 weeks: lots of floaters. it's not a huge problem, but just kind of distracting when i'm looking at something white or up at the sky. posted at 6:24 PM |

why are my upstairs neighbors still here?...it's spring break, i thought i'd get a nice week of sleep. instead, they're just hanging out, making a lot of banging and hammering noises...*sigh*... posted at 10:20 PM |

so tired...i feel like i haven't gotten enough sleep this week. upstairs guy was pacing around for an hour in the middle of the night last night. so annoying...i've woken up in the middle of the night just about every single night this week.

anyway, i had to deal with some excel craziness at work today. sometimes it just does weird things for no apparent reason. i tried to sort a data set by student id number, and 10 of them ended up in the wrong spot. drove me nuts.

my computer is making a weird humming noise. that can't be good. posted at 6:08 PM |

this article pretty much sums up how i feel about lasik right now. i'm hoping that i'll feel different 6 months from now...hoping that i'll be one of the people who do heal nicely and whose ghosting, starbursts, etc. are in fact just temporary...but if i don't improve much, then i'll definitely feel like this woman.

i do think i need to give it more time though. whenever people ask me about it, i tell them to check back with me later. today seems better than yesterday, but it could be worse tomorrow. kinda just have to wait and see...that's the hardest part of the whole thing - this period of uncertainty. having no way to tell what your vision will be like once it is completely healed...

anyway, i don't meant to scare people off. i just feel like i didn't fully know what to expect. posted at 7:12 PM |

i feel like i've been doing a lot of depression-related eating lately. and i really don't want to gain back the few pounds i lost, but i have no self-control right now. especially with sweet things. and chocolate. on days when there are no goodies in the office, i feel like i go into withdrawl by 3. it's terrible...aside from the sugary stuff, i've been eating more in general...and eating when i'm not even hungry, which is something i don't normally do. i hope i'll snap out of this soon. i feel like i'm still upset about things that happened a long time ago and trying to bury it with food... posted at 10:01 PM |

back from my follow-up appointment...feeling a little better now. reassured at least. i've gone up to +0.25 (which explains why everything i read is a little blurry), but he expects that it'll go back down towards 0 as my eyes continue to heal and i keep working on the computer. my left eye has a little bit of a dryness problem (which is probably making the ghosts worse), but it's not too bad and should also get better with time. it just sucks trying to be patient and wait it out...i hope that all this is true and he wasn't just telling me what i wanted to hear. posted at 5:10 PM |

suddenly got very depressed today...it's been a month. i thought i'd be able to see great by now, but things are still fuzzy and may very well stay like this. i've read in some places that it could take 3-6 months for your vision to peak, but no one i talked to personally mentioned it taking so long...they all said it was amazing and wonderful and blah blah blah. and well, i suppose i can see 20/20 technically - like if i were to look at an eye chart, i can make out the letters, but they aren't crisp and clear. and when they say you can see 20/20, that does NOT translate to seeing great in the real world. i'm definitely seeing worse than i did with contacts/glasses. which is the opposite of what i heard from other people...*sigh*...trying to be patient and give it time, but i'm starting to get really concerned that this will be as good as it gets, and that i'll have to wear glasses again. my vision's not good in low light. it's not good when i look to the sides. and i still get a little bit of ghosting. and headaches!!! i think it's because one eye is always worse than the other (not always the same eye). my brain seems confused at times.

anyway...i have a follow-up appointment on friday. i'm trying to think positive. i just can't help but feel like...well, why did i do this? i didn't even have a good reason. i can understand why people who do a lot of outdoor sports would want it, but i don't know why i did it. my contacts did irritate me a lot, but poor vision irritates me much more...i just expected it to be a lot better than this. posted at 7:17 PM |

damn proquest!!! i was looking for some articles for a project at work, and it fucking lost all the ones i marked before i got a chance to save them! fuuuuuuuckkk. i spent over an hour going through everything to find those articles, and now i have to do it all over again! i'm so pissed off. i don't know why this happened...one minute i was fine, then i clicked to go to the next page of the results, and everything was gone.

it's bad enough that it didn't save the ones i marked from my previous session, but at least i saved all of those. i just never expected that it would clear everything in the MIDDLE of a session. posted at 5:52 PM |

everytime i start to think that john mayer's music is boring and i'm so tired of it, he comes out with a new song that i think is amazing...until of course, i get sick of it and the cycle repeats. so i just can't figure out if i like his music or not. i blame radio stations for over-playing him...although, i don't really see myself ever buying any of his albums, so i suppose the radio is the only place i will hear his music. i haven't downloaded anything of his. nothing on my mp3 player. it's basically just hearing him on the radio and thinking either 1) i love this song!!! or 2) when will they stop playing this song???? and any song that starts out in category 1 will eventually fall into category 2, no matter how much i might think that it won't, and tell myself that really, this song is different and special...at some point, i'll realize i was wrong and it is just as boring as the others. and all of a sudden, there will be a new song to take its place.

i don't feel this way about any other musician that i can think of...just him. it's kind of annoying. posted at 11:17 PM |

so tired...been fighting off a cold all week (thanks airborne!), and i had a couple of all-day meetings that completely wore me out.

my cousin's baby was cute, but it's still a baby, and i don't know what to do with babies. once they can walk and talk and play, i like them. but when they are under a year old...and forced upon me...and i'm not strong enough to like, toss them in the air (or even carry them for very long)...what the hell am i supposed to do with one? they inevitably just start crying, which makes me feel like a failure.

but why do people insist i hold the baby in the first place? it seemed like everyone kept saying "do you want to hold her?"...i'd say "no, that's alright." and they'd say "why not? here, take her." and leave me with no choice. because apparently everyone else wants to hold her, so i should too.

sometimes i wonder how i'll ever be a mother. it's different with your own kids, right?...i hope it is... posted at 6:19 PM |

went to my friend's baby shower today...it wasn't too bad. just completely crazy with all the kids running around. i'm so not familiar with that whole life. felt a bit like an outsider - one of the few single and child-less women there. my cousin came though, so that helped. although she is baby-crazy and always wants to hold any that happen to be around...that's one thing i don't get - i never feel like i actually want to hold someone's baby. of course, some hand them over to me anyway, and i take them for a few minutes, but i never ask for it. and speaking of babies, another cousin just flew into town with his new one, so i'm not even done for the day...i hope she's cute. nothing worse than seeing an ugly-looking baby and having to lie... posted at 5:52 PM |