got really confused by someone on bart today. normally when i see transvestites/transexuals, they have usually chosen to appear, for the most part, as either male or female. but this person i saw today was kinda doing both, part-way. i initially thought it was a man, but then looked down and saw red heels and painted toes. the clothes - eh, sort of more like a man would dress, though the jeans could have been women's. no makeup on the face, hair was not done, but nails were. i'm not judging - he/she can feel free to do whatever - but it just really threw me. i kept wanting to stare - like s/he was a puzzle that i was trying to figure out...the male in him looked like a slob, kind of unkempt and not well-dressed, but then the nice shoes and the painted nails? it just seemed so contradictory.

as a side note, i've seen a lot of gay guys being affectionate in public lately. it's the one major change i've noticed in berkeley lately. (not bringing this up because of the bart rider, but because as i was walking home, i saw a male couple being couple-like - this was the third time in recent memory, though it's probably been more than that and i just hadn't paid attention before.)

anyway, i'm still super-annoyed with the template changes at work. i thought she was going to add some additional styles that i asked for, but she didn't. she did the opposite in fact. i tried to explain to her what i needed and why, but she was just...annoying. she has this "i know better than you" attitude sometimes...just seems so pretentious. i can't stand it. posted at 7:15 PM |

i've been completely unproductive this week. worse than usual...i find it so hard to pull myself together. i need to try to get better though...i don't want to be like this forever.

anyway, i don't want to think about me right now. i'll stick to work-related rambling. our graphic designer is leaving, but not really leaving. she's moving to the east coast for grad school, but she's going to keep working on the math project part time from there. i'm kind of disappointed...i was hoping she'd be off the project and they'd hire a real graphic designer - meaning, a better one. i don't like a lot of the work that this current one does, and i don't think she's as smart as others seem to think. well, ok, she's smart in some ways, but she's just so damn forgetful and doesn't pay close attention at meetings...it drives me nuts. and her background and education are all over the place, but nothing related to math or science or education. and she just fakes the graphic design part - no degree in anything related to that either.

they did hire a new person anyway - but a math person, not a graphic designer. and she doesn't have experience using adobe software, so i don't know how she's going to help out much...i haven't met her yet, but i hope she's good at whatever she'll be doing.

but here's what i'm really upset about: the current graphic designer has once again changed the entire template that we use. i don't remember if i went into detail about this earlier or not. basically, i liked our original template, but she wanted to change a bunch of things, and ended up completely re-designing the entire look and feel. and then the complaints poured in from a bunch of outsiders who liked the old one better. so now we've gone back to a lot of the stuff from the original template we had, but not so much that we can still use the original versions that were completed. so it's going to be a lot of work copying and pasting from one template into another. and she's making all these stupid guidelines that i don't agree with. and i don't understand why things are going to be done a certain way, and whether she made the decisions on her own, or if our manager approved of them. (i'm guessing she made them on her own.) it's just very frustrating...she's taken away all the flexibility that we had before in terms of leading and paragraph spacing...and she has this tendency to not notice that things are not aligned properly with the guides that they are supposed to be aligned with...and i need everything aligned, damnit! i am so completely anal about alignment. it really bugs the hell out of me when she doesn't notice.

i could go on and on, but since none of you can see what i'm talking about, and i can't physically point to the things that she's done that i don't like, there doesn't seem to be much point to this. except to say that i wish i could point that stuff out to someone! someone at work, ideally. but everyone loves her and thinks she's a fucking genius, so who am i to go against what she says?

i don't mean to sound so bitter. the whole thing is just annoying. and i'm worried about the amount of work involved in copying everything into the new template and working with the new guidelines. and it is very tough for me when i spend months working on a section, and then she messes with it and makes changes that i don't like, and i can't ever voice my opinions on whatever she did. i don't like having to give up control over something that i've worked really hard on. maybe it would be different if she was a good designer and if we talked about what she should/should not do...but she's not, and we don't. so...it sucks. posted at 12:26 AM |

i hate being asked "did you do anything exciting this weekend?" my answer's always no. i feel like i need to start making shit up, just so people won't relize how lame i am. posted at 6:34 PM |

sometimes a little fun and laughter comes from where you least expect it...

and man, did i need it.

i still feel like i have this tiny bit of fear/dread/anxiety inside of me that doesn't completely let me have as much fun as i should, but as long as i come out smiling and feeling good in the end, that's what matters most. baby steps...

i just wish i were more open and willing to put myself into situations - even ones that sound awkward and unpleasant - on the chance that i may actually have a good time. the more i do this, the more likely it is that i will at some point be able to let go and enjoy myself.

anyway, i'm exhausted right now - only slept about 4 hours last night. and i'm still a little sick so i really needed more rest than that. i wrote another long ass email to complain about my upstairs neighbors this morning, even though they are really not that bad in comparison to what i've had to deal with in the past. i'm just sick of them using the bathroom sink for hours and hours in the middle of the night, and i had to get it out of my system, even if nothing comes out of it.

i have a feeling i'll sleep for 12 hours tonight, regardless. posted at 10:28 PM |