my apartment is a dump right now...i hate it. i hate coming home to a giant mess. i know i've been seriously avoiding cleaning it...probably because i don't know where to start. i know i'll feel better once i do get it clean (if i ever do get it clean). but the task just seems completely overwhelming to me right now.

also, i'm starting to feel like my memory's not as sharp as it once was, and because of that, i sort of need it to be more clean/orderly. so that i can see and attend to things, instead of letting them get burried in a pile somewhere only to be completely forgotten about.

anyway...other than that, things are kind of frustrating at work right now. i feel like sometimes i get stuck working on things that i just don't feel comfortable with and confident about...it stresses me out when things are difficult and i feel like i don't know what i'm doing. no matter how much i tell myself that i always find a way to figure it out and learn as i go, it's just difficult. and then on the other end, with my math project, i feel frustrated because i just completely disagree with so many things that the bully writes, and i've had to work a lot more with her lately than with our other authors...it's sort of driving me nuts. and they've hired 2 more people for this project who seem to be more involved in the project than i am, which is making me feel sort of left out. i know i can't do everything, but it's like i want more responsibility for things that i feel strong in, and less responsibility for things that i feel weak in. it's hard when it's the opposite. posted at 11:32 PM | 0 comments

been feeling sick since sunday...it's not a full blown cold, but it's just kind of lingering in the background and making me uncomfortable. i hate that. and my throat just gets more and more sore, so that's annoying too.

anyway. this is way after the fact, but since oscar noms just came out: i liked slumdog millionaire, but i didn't feel like it was best picture of the year quality. then again, i can't really think of any other movie that was. i don't know what the big deal was about benjamin button and why that got so many noms...i mean, it was cool what they did and how they made it, but...eh. didn't blow my mind at all. i haven't seen the reader or frost/nixon yet, so maybe those are good. milk was good, but...more so because of the acting than anything else. i was a baby when harvey milk was shot, so i didn't know much about him. other people in the theater were crying though, and that touched me. anyway. movies in general have been disappointing me the past few years. i liked slumdog because of the music and because it showed some things that are unfortunately really true to bombay/mumbai, whatever you want to call it. and i liked the whole premise, though the movie itself felt a little uneven at times...but yeah, i think it's a shoe-in to win best picture. and i'm happy for all the people who were a part of it, because i think it's really cool what they did. i know some indians don't like it, but they seem like good people. the whole team of them. posted at 7:29 PM | 0 comments

i feel like i haven't done anything all week - either at work or at home. i don't know how i get in these extreme slacker phases. and i really don't know how to snap out of it. posted at 11:40 PM | 0 comments

i think i got comments to work. we'll see.

and i think i might change my tone a bit about the bart shooting...i am still *hoping* it was an accident, because i can't imagine someone just shooting someone in the back like that...but maybe it's not as obviously an accident as i had previously thought. and even if it was...did the guy deserve to be tasered? didn't look like it. and now i hear that the officer had some previous complaints about excessive force...so, maybe he is just a horrible person. i don't know. my initial reaction was to give him the benefit of the doubt, and i'd like to continue to do that. what i'm pissed about is that he has not come forward and made any sort of statement. nor has he been officially questioned. still doen't mean, hey, let's set shit on fire and smash windows in our city! but the protests, i totally get. they seem to have shifted away from my office building and to sf now. posted at 7:31 PM | 0 comments

i think the whole BART protest is getting out of control...most of you are probably not in the bay area and have no idea what i'm talking about, but basically, an officer shot and killed a guy who was restrained. it looked like an accident to me - some people say he meant to taser him but accidentally grabbed his gun instead. but anyway, based on the videos i've seen, it didn't look in any way intentional to me. the officer most likely made a mistake and feels horrible about it. why start riots over it? really? burning down shit in downtown oakland is somehow going to help? i work in the same building as BART headquarters (it was a BART officer who shot the guy), and we've had lock-downs the past 3 days. and now i'm watching all this crazy stuff on the news...how is this going to help anything? like oakland doesn't have enough problems? what happened was horrible and my heart goes out to that guy's family, but all this protesting and rioting doesn't make any sense to me... posted at 6:41 PM | 0 comments

i'm having issues with blogger. i aplogize if anything is broken. i guess that's what happens when i stick with old code from 2001 and don't bother to ever update it or even clean it up to make it more compatible with the "new" blogger. no comments for a while...can't get blogger's comment system to work properly. i may switch over to something else...i can't really think right now. my head hurts. posted at 7:58 PM | 0 comments

belated happy new years...i've been at my mom's place for most of the past 3 weeks or so. needed a break from my place i guess. and now that i'm back here, i've realized...it's so damn uncomfortable! my bed sucks. my pillow is too flat. my shower water pressure is too weak. there are weird noises at night. my heater sucks. and i don't have a timer on it, so my bathroom is like 50 degrees when i get up in the morning. there's no vent in the bathroom here like there is at my mom's place anyway. and...i'm all alone here. i like being alone sometimes, but other times, it's just so...lonely. no one to talk to.

oh, and my place is a mess. i really need to get on that.

as for 2008, it wasn't as bad for me as it was for many other people, and i'm thankful for that. posted at 6:22 PM | 0 comments