i just realized that yahoo's personalized music stations no longer exist...this sucks! i loved my station!!! i hadn't listened to it much lately because it didn't work on my mac, but i had it tweaked to play exactly what i like...it's so unfair that it's all been wiped away. stupid yahoo. that was the only thing i liked about yahoo!

i know how everyone loves pandora, and i do listen to that at work often, but yahoo "knew" what i liked better than pandora does...*sigh*.... posted at 2:09 PM | 0 comments

i feel a lot better now...not quite 100%, but getting there. i figured maybe i was low on iron and took some supplements...i don't know if that was in fact the problem, or if i'd just caught a little bug, but either way, it's reduced.

except for my legs - they are so tired. i really feel it when i'm climbing stairs or walking home from work...they do not want to work these days. i think i haven't been going out as much on the weekends lately, and therefore haven't been walking much (or doing any other exercise) on the weekends lately. so by the time monday rolls around, my legs have rested for 2 days and gotten used to it and don't want to go back to work. sort of like my brain. posted at 6:59 PM | 0 comments

i still don't feel right. i'm beginning to think something's actually wrong with me...something that gets worse later and later in the day. i mean, i'm tired from lack of sleep, and that gets worse later and later in the day. but in addition to that, i just don't feel right on the inside. and i've been feeling so sweaty in the middle of the night, which is contributing to my lack of sleep. i don't sleep with a heater on, it's just me. i'm too young for hotflashes though, aren't i?

and i have this project that i just got and it's due by the end of wednesday! i'm panicking. it's not an enormous thing...just reading some proposals and rating them so that bill gates can decide who to hire. (ok, probably not bill gates himself, but someone at his foundation.) but anyway, as it gets closer to 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon, the "sickness" sets in and i can't concentrate at all...reading gets so hard for me, and i start to want to give up...but i want to do a good job at the same time...but i don't know what exactly i'm doing and how i should be judging these proposals...*sigh*...i just want to go home and go to bed!!! posted at 10:23 PM | 0 comments

called in sick today...felt completely exhausted this morning when i woke up. i think i had a slight fever. haven't been feeling too great all week...i probably needed the rest. i really need to force myself to get to bed earlier, and relax enough to actually fall asleep when i do. my upstairs neighbors use the bathroom sink and shower quite a lot between 12 and 1, so that doesn't help matters...*sigh*...same ol', same ol'. posted at 5:00 PM | 0 comments

got my eyes checked out this morning...1 year post lasik...my vision has definitely improved over the past 6 months so i'm glad i didn't go in for an enhancement surgery like they told me to last time! anyway, i can see about 20/25, so they didn't even think it was necessary to give me a prescription for glasses. i think i was something like -0.25 in one eye and -0.5 in the other eye. i do have some dryness issues, so that could be why i still get some of that ghosting...but it's not nearly as bad as it used to me. just need to use eyedrops more often for a month or so. which i don't mind at all...

do i wish it were better? yeah...there are definitely times i miss not being able to see as well as i used to (albeit, with contacts), and see crisply. that loss of crispness is kind of annoying, though it's usually only in low-light situations that i notice it. but, that said, i'm much happier with the results now than i was 6 months ago. and i think once the dryness goes down, i'll be happier still. posted at 7:09 PM | 0 comments

i haven't been sleeping well lately...i feel so tired, but when i go to bed, all these thoughts fill my head and i just toss and turn and can't seem to get myself to relax. i know, this happens to me often. i've probably written about it countless times. sometimes i feel like i don't have anything left to write about. i mean, i could write about what's actually bothering me and what i'm thinking about when i'm tossing and turning, but...it's hard. and it'll probably just stir up more thoughts to keep me up tonight. life just isn't fair. posted at 10:36 PM | 0 comments

this morning i was on the train with a bunch of students from france. they were maybe around 18 years old or so...didn't speak english, and i think they were on the wrong train. but anyway. the girls all had on amazing clothes. i was looking at them thinking "i want her jacket...i love her shoes...that sweater is amazing..." and then i thought back to when i was their age, galavanting around france. i must have looked like a homeless person in comparison...i'm a little better now, but still nowhere near as nicely dressed as they were. i wish i could just wave a magic wand and suddenly get a fashion sense...i love fashion, i really do. i just don't know how to apply it to myself. at all. i never feel put together, and i'm so envious of others who are. i've noticed that a lot of people get more and more put together and fashionable as they move into their late 20's/early 30's...i'm not making much progress though. just another thing i don't have the time/energy for. posted at 9:41 PM | 6 comments

the bully at work is being completely insane lately...it pisses me off that she complains about me being rude when her responses to me are incredibly rude! not just rude, but at times insulting...i really don't feel like she respects me at all - if anything, i feel like she's annoyed by me. and i didn't even intend to be rude...i was just trying to help! it comes across as intentional when she does it though. sometimes she'll be nice in her emails, but i'll find out from my supervisor that she was bitching about me on the phone...so basically the whole email is bs and i know how she really feels - she hates me.

i just wish she would lay off. it's so frustrating to work with her...she's one of those people that belittles other people to bring herself up. can't stand it. don't know how much more of it i can take...feel like i'm starting to crack this week. everytime i think she's settled down, my supervisor calls me again to let me know how pissed the bully is at me, and reassures me that it's not me and i'm doing a good job despite what the bully is saying. i just hate that she has to play the role of peacemaker between us. but i suppose that's her job... posted at 6:54 PM | 0 comments

every morning when i drag myself out of bed half-asleep, i promise myself that i will go to bed earlier that night. (and by that i mean, aim to be in bed by 11:30-ish.) i've been so exhausted and sleep-deprived lately...and yet, here i am still up at almost midnight...knowing full well that it'll take me a good half an hour to fall asleep...that one extra hour man, it helps. when i get it.

i will try tomorrow. for reals. posted at 11:52 PM | 0 comments

recently reconnected with an old friend, but it's kind of got my head spinning....and actually, it's not like i hadn't heard from this person - we'd been in touch a few times, and he's had my email address and phone number for a long time. but whenever there was any communication between us, it didn't really feel like he was all that interested in being friends again. it was just this very brief, catching-up on the surface kind of discussion. there was never any "hey, let's hang out sometime" or anything of that nature...in fact, i always felt like he'd only contacted me to find out if i was in touch with some other people that he was more interested in getting back in touch with.

but anyway, now he's being super-friendly again, and we got together and talked last week...and at some point i realized that he had completely and totally forgetten how close we were. granted...it's been a long time since we were close. but...it's kind of like, how can you forget the one person who was there for you when you were going through a really rough time and no one else understood? how can you forget pouring your heart out to that person on almost a daily basis? there was so much that he had forgotten...it almost completely ruined things for me and ruined the happiness i felt when he insisted he wanted to see me. i mean, it was hard enough for me back when he suddenly "disappeared" and stopped talking to me for no real reason. it was hard enough when he was living within a mile of me and still didn't bother to contact me. but i thought i was finally over it when he seemed so happy to talk to me and see me again...that whatever hurt i had felt over things back then had gone away. and then, when he started telling me so many things that i already knew...when he started asking me questions that he *should* have known the answers to...*sigh*...it was really disappointing. i don't know what else i can say. i didn't say anything to him about it...it was just kind of shocking to me. and it made me sad - i don't like being forgotten...especially not by someone i *thought* i was important to.

anyway...i'm not mad at him...i just don't understand it. posted at 10:41 PM | 2 comments