the damn koobface worm came back. i have no idea how...it was gone for several days. the mysteriously reappeared. i don't know what is going on...SO annoying... posted at 10:46 PM | 1 comments

i always look forward to spring break, thinking i'll get a week of peace and quiet...but no, it always ends up being that my upstairs neighbors don't go out of town, and instead just stay up later and have more people over and be louder.

i'm a little grumpy because i didn't get much sleep the past 3 nights...maybe i should have stayed at my mom's place after all... posted at 10:54 PM | 0 comments

there are times when...well, i know my family means well, but they end up making things worse instead...*sigh*...

my mom is having surgery on her arm this week (her right arm this time - she did the left a few years ago). anyway, so my grandma thought she'd need help and decided to come out here. but my grandma is so old and can barely do anything for herself, so how is she going to help my mom??? if anything, my mom is more stressed out because there's more for her worry about now with her being here.

i intended to take some time off to help her, but i don't even know if i want to be there right now. i kept telling my mom to let me know if she wanted me home and for how long and which days, so that i could plan any work meetings accordingly, but she never tells me! she just says "we'll see later" - it's annoying. if she wants me to be at home with her, she needs to ask me. i can't guess!

i did stay with her for a couple weeks or so when she got her other arm operated...and the painkillers made her sort of difficult to deal with initially...but i mean, i had to help her get dressed and run up and down the stairs to fetch things for her...made sure she always had a ice pack or her meds or whatever...and she's right handed so it was nice that she could still use her right arm for some things. this time, she won't be able to. oh, and this surgery is going to be worse than that one - more painful and will take longer to recover from. so...i don't know. i don't know how she's going to deal. an uncle is also staying with her, but he'll be leaving next week. and well, he just stresses her out a lot. then a couple weeks later, he'll be coming back with more relatives to stress her out even more!!! it'll be a mad house. none of them can drive either, so i'm going to be the one carting everyone around.

i don't know what to do...i feel like i should go stay with her, but i want to be away from the madness. i just have this feeling that everyone would have been better off if none of them had come here. the only plus is that someone will be able to cook indian food for my mom, because i sure as hell can't. (i hate the thought of my grandma doing the cooking though because her hands tremble just holding a small book! she can barely lift pots and pans!)

anyway, i have my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly and the stress doesn't get to her. that certainly won't help with the healing process... posted at 11:52 PM | 0 comments

still suffering from allergies, but i think i got my computer all cleaned up last night...scanning right now just to make sure the virus didn't come back again...it was a nasty one to try to get rid of. i don't know how i got it in the first place because i'm usually very good about not clicking on anything suspicious. first thing i noticed was my hijacked browser (scary)...but then when i thought i had fixed it, websites just completely stopped loading...*sigh*...what a pain in the ass. it just boggles my mind how many unrecognizable files are on my computer...how am i supposed to figure out which ones are supposed to be there and which ones are evil? posted at 8:15 PM | 2 comments

called in sick today - allergies driving me nuts. i barely slept last night, despite taking medication that was *supposed* to make me drowsy.

and now my fucking computer has a virus and it's driving me crazy. it turned off my firewall and fucked with my browsers...i can't DO anything...everytime i get rid of it, it comes back. i need help! is it really bad to have more than one anti-virus software installed? because i know i have one, but i can't find it and others won't install because it says i already have one installed. i just don't have the energy to deal with this... posted at 3:48 PM | 0 comments

dropped a line to an old friend of mine the other day, and i was almost immediately reminded of why i don't talk to her much anymore. it's always the same 4 fucking questions:

1) are you STILL living in berkeley?
2) same place??
3) aren't you sick of it???
4) do you have a boyfriend????

i know that she's not trying to make me feel bad about myself, but that's what happens. every single fucking time.

i don't see what's so bad about living in berkeley...i mean, the only other place i'd really consider moving to is san francisco. possibly oakland, IF i found someplace safe. but oakland is still in a far 3rd place behind SF and berkeley...definitely don't want to move to the suburbs like her. (ok, she's in san jose, but i'm just betting it's a suburban part of san jose...and ew, south bay! i'd rather move to southern cal than the south bay. that's how much i dislike it.)

as for living in the same place for so long...it's convenient. i have a lot of storage space. i have parking. no traffic noise. i can walk to lots of places. do i want to move? yes. but my current place is about as good as it gets in berkeley. overall i mean - taking location and size and parking into account. if i move, i want to move to a nicer place. and nicer places are hard to find and probably too expensive for me.

as for having no boyfriend, i don't really care at this point. not in the mood. i think if i really wanted one, i could make an effort and eventually find someone. but i'm not motivated to do that right now. if this friend thinks she is superior because her parents insited she get married by the time she turned 25, so she went on the internet and married this random guy that she barely knew just because he was indian and christian and willing to move here...that's her decision. it's not something i would do. i hope she's happy with him and with her life. but that's not the life i would choose for myself... posted at 2:28 PM | 0 comments

i'm still kind of stressed out at work...i hate it when i just plain don't know what the hell i'm doing (or supposed to do) for a project. and i feel like that's been going on a lot lately. it's frustrating. not only do i not know what to do, i also don't enjoy it. if it was something new that i was learning and that i liked and wanted more experience in, it might be a different matter. but it's not. it's like i'm just expected to do shit that i know nothing about (and have no interest in!).

i'm hoping it'll all come together at some point and be ok. but i honestly don't see it happening right now. posted at 10:33 PM | 0 comments

so my boss called us in to meet literally 30 minutes before we were to leave for the meeting and tells me that he wants me to talk about the first section of our lit review. and i kind of gave him this "huh????" look (and ok, maybe i said something to that effect as well), then a few minutes later he was like "you don't seem like you are comfortable with that, so i can do it if you'd prefer." so yes, i totally chickened out and "let" him do it. and i feel bad about it, even though he didn't really mind or anything. i just don't like feeling like i've let people down. and i also don't like being in meetings where i'm the only person who doesn't say a single word (which is what happened today).

i just totally sucked today. i don't know what else to say.

i think if he had given me a heads up a few days ago or so, i would have maybe been ok with it, but half an hour??? and he did a way better job than i would have done even with a whole week to prepare. because he knows all the terminology and shit, and even when people ask questions about things that he might not remember from an article, he can make it up well enough that it seems like he does. i can't. i should have at the least printed out the damn articles and had them on hand...i just got totally confused because i didn't know if he wanted them or not. in retrospect, i should have printed them out and had them with me when he was talking and chimed in whenever there were specific questions for which looking at the article was necessary. i'm just a disaster. i feel like i've been doing a real shitty job at everything lately...i feel like i am disappointing him, and i don't want to. i like impressing people, not making it seem like i don't know how to do anything...which is how i'm coming across lately. i hate it. posted at 6:30 PM | 2 comments

i have a feeling i'm going to be screwed tomorrow. i'm stressed just thinking about it...

have a meeting to go to tomorrow afternoon, at a company that sub-contracted us to help with a project they are working on. they said that we'd have 30 minutes to present the work we've done so far...my boss didn't say anything to me about it, so i figured he'd be doing all the talking. but on our way out of the office today, he mentioned to me that we should meet in the morning before going over there to make sure we were on the same page. i have a feeling this means that he's expecting me to talk for at least 1/3 of that 30 minutes. which is kind of freaking me out because i have nothing...i know nothing...and why the fuck is he telling me this at the last minute, thinking that i'm capable of throwing a presentation together in an hour or so? he does it all the time, but i don't. i need like, a week's advance notice. i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to say. and how i'd possibly fill more than 2 minutes without sounding like a complete idiot. and i can't even fucking plan it out tonight and practice because he didn't tell me what to talk about...

i hate this part of my job. uuuggghhhh!!!!

i'm scared, and stressed, and kind of freaking out right now. i will completely freak out tomorrow morning once he actually tells me that he wants me to talk...crapola. posted at 6:28 PM | 1 comments