relax. relate. release.

2010-02-08T23:32:00.000-08:00

i'm sure i've probably said this before, but i just can't believe that this author i work with (i believe i used to refer to her as "the bully") has an english degree from berkeley. granted, it was a long time ago (she's in her mid-late 50's), but one would think that basic grammar is something that stays with you for most of your life. she has no fucking clue how awful her writing is, and then takes it personally when i want to make edits. i should copy and paste some direct quotes taken from her writing...maybe next time i come across a good (bad?) one, i'll save it somewhere.

on another note, i was upset with myself for most of today because i noticed that i have this tendency to always assume the worst. and then let that assumption depress the hell out of me. it's one thing when i get depressed over things that actually happen, but another to get depressed over things that i am totally making up in my head based on little to no evidence. maybe it is my way of preparing for the worst...or maybe i just have this intuition about things...i don't know. part of me thinks i am an idiot when i believe such things, and then another part of me thinks i am an idiot when i don't, because in my head, it's just so obvious.

anyway...other than all that, my mom's uncle is supposed to find out about his citizenship this week. fingers crossed! i should mention that there was a potential problem with his application that might set him back a few months...may not seem like a huge deal, but to my mom, a few more months would be tough to deal with. and to him too, i'm sure. so...i'm hoping they approve it.

ok, time for bed. i'm hoping that writing before going to sleep will help me relax. i woke up clenching my teeth this morning. really have no clue what is stressing me out so much in my sleep. have a dentist appointment next week and i know he's going to be mad at me for not wearing my mouth guard...

2010-02-03T23:53:00.001-08:00

it's so much easier to write about things while they are still on my mind...but when i wait too long and try to write about stuff that i was feeling last week or last month or six months ago, it's really hard and feels forced and not as sincere. so...i don't know whether or not to bother. but there's so much that i intended to write about that i just totally missed. anyway, it's late and it's not happening tonight, so maybe some other time...if i remember.

2010-01-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

i feel like i haven't written in ages...nothing much is really going on with me. my shoulder's been a little better - at least, not swollen or in any serious pain, just kind of tight/sore at times...i'm trying to be more conscious of when i'm putting too much strain on it. i think i've been really hunched over at work lately, so trying to sit straighter...i also think a lot of it is just tension in my body. so hard to relax. i don't know what i'm doing in my sleep that makes my whole body so tense. or what i'm doing in the day time to make my subconscious so stressed that it's affecting my dreams or whatever...i hardly ever remember my dreams so i don't know if i've been having really stressful ones or what, i just know i wake up feeling like i did.

anyway, i've been really slow at work lately. i guess that started a while back, but i seem to just not be able to keep my focus for more than a few minutes at a time. kind of depends on what i'm working on i guess...need to find stuff to do that is more interesting and engaging. not that i have much choice in the matter. but i'm just not into the stuff i'm doing right now. and i think i've been more easily distracted lately. so it's a combination of the two that is really slowing me down.

2010-01-15T23:26:00.000-08:00

i do intend to write more regularly, but somehow it's really hard to get back into the habit after slacking for so long. and i'm generally just tired and don't feel like i have anything new to say that hasn't already been said.

my shoulder got really bad on tuesday. it was quite painful...i stayed home on wednesday and avoided using that arm as much as possible. luckily the swelling went down. i also started doing my old physical therapy exercises again - which makes me feel great right after i'm done, but then if i get on the computer the pain comes back. i think it's my posture or something. like i haven't been sitting straight anymore. i feel so hunched over. plus i'm just incredibly tense these days. so much to do...i feel like i can't keep up with anything.

anyway, since it's about 11:30 now, i just wanted to say i am on team conan all the way. leno should have retired or gone on to other things...personally, i watch letterman. but there are times when conan is hilarious. leno on the other hand...well, i just never liked him or found him funny. i agree the whole mess is more nbc's fault than leno's, but it just makes me dislike leno even more for not stepping aside!

2010-01-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

it's 2010. isn't that crazy? i think so...of course i'm the one who was still thinking it was 2008 for most of 2009.

anyway, the shoulder problem that i had back in the mid-00's seems to be back. i'm not quite sure what i did to cause it to come back - probably been spending more time at the computer than i should be. or maybe sleeping on that side more. i'm not sure. it's getting quite painful though, so i should be a little more mindful and keep moving it and probably start exercising...getting older sucks. all sorts of aches and pains. i bought new shoes because my feet/legs were starting to hurt (i walk about 2.5 miles a day) and i thought i needed something with more support. so i got these nike's for about $60. i can't recall ever spending more than $45 on shoes, so i'm not sure what got into me. they're ok. i wore them today for the first time, and it wasn't too bad in the morning - definitely easier to walk in than the other pair i had been wearing pretty regularly. but, they kinda hurt. and by evening, i was having some new foot pain. i'm hoping they just need to be broken in some. i remember the shoes that i got a few years ago were uncomfortable initally but ended up molding to my feet really well. it has been hard to find an adequate replacement. i wore them out completely before getting rid of them. anyway, so i'm hoping these new ones also mold to my feet - they are nice and sturdy without being super bulky, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed...already wore them so i can't return them. this is why i don't normally spend much money on things - i generally end up feeling it was a waste.

2009-12-27T22:05:00.000-08:00

i feel like i've been neglecting this blog...as with many other things in my life, i suppose.

caught a mouse last week. i am hoping there aren't more of them around...i should probably set up another trap just in case though, huh? sometimes i just don't want to know...

anyway, i was just thinking how i miss being a kid and actually liking and being surprised by presents i got for my birthday and/or christmas. sometimes, i just want a nice surprise, a nice gift that i actually love. no one ever gets me anything good anymore...well, it's basically only relatives that get me stuff. and my relatives are mostly cheap and/or don't really know me well enough to know what i'd like. that includes my parents apparently. oh, i just remembered - there was the tivo i got a couple years ago. that was a rare good and non-cheap gift from a family member...especially after i found out that a year's subscription was included. i know i bitched about it initially. now i can't live without it. (although i kind of blame it for making me watch a lot more tv than i should.) but yeah...to get a gift like that is very rare.

i kinda wonder sometimes if i had friends who got me stuff, what they'd get me. is that a weird thing to wonder about? i think when i was 21 or so, one friend got me a necklace. it was really pretty, i still have it actually...i don't think i ever wore it, but i still like the idea of it. i guess i'd like to have someone to exchange gifts with now as an adult...i used to like getting gifts for people, taking the time to find something that they'd like. if there was anyone that i cared about much now, i'd still like doing that for them. i just wonder if they'd get something nice for me too, or if i'm just impossible to shop for. if it's the latter, that would explain the lousy gifts i generally get.

2009-12-18T23:54:00.000-08:00

i'm so exhausted...i don't know when i'll get myself to actually accomplish anything. i need to set mini-goals for myself. i feel awful about things right now...so frustrated with myself...

2009-12-15T23:12:00.000-08:00

so that redness on my nose? it continued to get darker and darker. by the next day it was a very noticeable bruise. i tried to cover it up with makeup as best as i could, but that just made it start to peel, which in turn made it look even worse. it was pretty much at its peak ugliness on the day of the wedding - i'm hoping the makeup hid it well enough, though i'm sure it was still somewhat noticeable. it's still kind of red now. but much better than it was over the weekend.

anyway, i mostly hung out with this one girl who i haven't seen since i was 10 or so...but she was really nice and her date was funny, and some of the bride's other friends who we shared a table with were nice as well. so i didn't feel as lonely and uncomfortable as i thought i might...most of all the bride was very happy that i came, so i'm glad i went. we were inseparable for much of elementary school (at least, the parts i choose to remember). i hope i'm as happy as her some day, whether it be on my wedding day or not.

right now, i am trying to use a sephora gift card before it expires (midnight) but it's not working. so annoying.

2009-12-10T18:27:00.001-08:00

i'm so not packed yet. i don't know what i did all day. besides running from the mouse. i did have the most uncomfortable eyebrow threading yet. i swear, women who do that for a living need to keep their nails short. i really didn't apprectiate having her finger nails digging into the bridge of my nose. it's still red, hours later. she also got really close to my eye a few times and she should have seen from the expression on my face and how i was pulling away from her that she was irritating me, but she kept doing it anyway! i even made her stop at one point because i couldn't take it - not sure what i said but i think it was "my GOD". but she still continued. i've never had such a painful eyebrow experience before. and that's including the time i got scratched by a ring that the woman was wearing. indians are so oblivious sometimes. she was probably pissed that i only gave her a $1 tip, but she should be lucky because i didn't want to give her anything. but the shaping was ok overall, luckily. i would have been really upset if i sat through that torture only to end up with fucked-up uneven pointy high-arch brows.

2009-12-10T14:27:00.001-08:00

damnit. just spotted a mouse in my kitchen.

i thought i was all good after getting this one hole in a cabinet sealed, but apparently not. though i guess i shouldn't be surprised given how messy i have been lately...i suck, mice suck, this apartment sucks...i HATE this.

2009-12-10T01:05:00.000-08:00

feeling overwhelmed again...leaving friday morning to go to a friend's wedding in LA. decided to take thursday off from work as well, because i know i'd be all stressed out if i didn't. have to figure out what to pack - unfortunately the weather is not cooperating with me. and i also want to get a haircut and get my eyebrows done, but i have a feeling i'll have to settle for just eyebrows. ugh. i just *know* i'm going to forget something. hate that feeling. but as i've mentioned several times, i seem to be having trouble remembering things lately. and my room is a mess, so i'll probably have trouble finding stuff i need in the first place.

i'm just feeling so unsettled right now. the bride mentioned something about setting up carpools to the wedding, but then i never heard back from her. and i'm not renting a car, and i don't know anyone else who'll be there, so...i have no idea how i'll get to the wedding right now. and did i mention the weather? it's going to be terrible. it hardly ever rains in southern california, but for some reason, it pours whenever i happen to be down there.

i need to get to bed - one more thing on the list: have to finish doing some qa for work first thing in the morning. i thought i'd finish it tonight, but my brain is too tired...

2009-12-02T22:15:00.000-08:00

my horoscope today: "If you can convince yourself that you're about to experience -- and deserve to experience -- great things, you will actually have the power to make them happen."

i've been trying to convince myself of this for a while, but haven't been successful. so i hate it when i see it staring at me like that.

2009-11-29T23:53:00.001-08:00

getting a year older sucks. my birthdays are always depressing too...maybe if i actually did something fun on my birthday for once, i'd enjoy them more. or not. i don't know. it's kind of annoying having it right around (or sometimes on the same day as) thanksgiving. and i always feel like the only people who call me are the people i don't want to hear from (like, random relatives from india who i don't have anything to say to but at the same time don't want to be rude to).

but anyway...i did go shopping and got a good deal on a dress (gotta love those 50% off sales!). so that's one thing off the list. but my apartment is still a mess, and i didn't catch up on any work as i intended. i don't know why i thought i would...i should know better by now. contemplating taking tomorrow off, just because i've been spacing out in the office lately and not doing anything. always seems to happen to me this time of year. it's terrible. one would think that i'd feel a bit rested and refreshed after a 4 and 1/2 day weekend, but no...always feel like i need one more day. or week. or longer. work is so boring lately. when i'm not enjoying what i'm doing and not feeling into it, i am completely unmotivated. but i do have stuff that i need to get done, so i can't just blow it all off...life is so unfair...

2009-11-20T00:22:00.000-08:00

so hard to believe it's almost the end of november already...i feel like i've done nothing over the past few months. and like i've been in denial. just don't want to deal with anything...so i pretend they don't exist. then i panic when i realize that i actually do have to deal with them.

and my birthday's appoaching so that's depressing me too.

and a friend's wedding to attend in a few weeks...you know how i love weddings. especially when i will not know anyone there besides the bride. and i don't have any clothes to wear. and my travel plans are still unsettled...*sigh*...i want to be there for my friend, but it's such a hassel. there's a part of me that wishes i couldn't make it. is that terrible?

2009-11-09T19:44:00.000-08:00

whyyyyy doo teeeeeenagersss write like thisssssss nowwww? i dontttt gettt itttttttt.

instead of typing fewer characters (like to text quickly), they're adding MORE. someone explain this to me. i feel old.

2009-11-05T23:47:00.000-08:00

there's only so many "it's time for you to get married" talks i can put up with in one day. actually, even one of them would be one too many, but three in one day is just...way too much. it's super annoying and just frustrating as hell! they either make me feel like i'm too pathetic to actually get a guy to like me (not true), or like i'm over the hill and destined for old maid-dom if i don't listen to them, or from those aunts who never got married, like they want to live vicariously through me. i can only take so much of it. it's almost to the point where i'd be willing to get married just to shut them all up.

2009-11-02T23:27:00.000-08:00

i have so much stress inside of me but i have no idea where it's coming from! keep clenching my teeth, which i know i have to stop...it's just so subconscious...i seriously need to start meditating or something. i don't really know what else might help. figuring out what i'm so stressed about perhaps? i should probably write more. i intended to start writing here more regularly, but lately i've just been so out of my mind. maybe it's my messy room that is stressing me out? i still haven't cleaned. i'm horrible. i just have too much stuff...and no idea where it should go.

2009-10-28T21:20:00.000-07:00

my aunt strikes again...i was at my mom's place, watching the news, and she suddenly asks "what happened to that google job?" i asked what she meant, and she said something like "you once interviewed with google. what happened?"

i was just speechless. first of all, she has never been on the internet and doesn't know what google is (she just happened to be reminded of it because it was mentioned in the news that i was watching at the time). second, i had that interview 5 years ago. how does someone who can't remember where she put her purse remember something like that? and who told her about it? it definitely wasn't me. and she wasn't here at the time...and besides all that, i think it is pretty obvious that i did not get the job since i'm not working there now nor have i ever worked there! who goes around asking people shit like that? i mean, that job was a longshot to begin with...what did she expect me to say? it just came across like that would have been a better job and why wasn't i working there instead of my current company...*sigh*...

i don't know how my mom is going to hold up. she was stressed out enough with just her uncle here, and now with his wife and the above-mentioned aunt staying with her too, she's going insane...she thought it would help to have them here, because she wouldn't have to be forced to entertain her uncle. but now she feels like she has to entertain 3 people instead of 1...i hope he gets his citizenship soon and doesn't run into any problems...i don't think she can take much more of this. heck, i get tired of them after only a day or two of visiting. i miss the peace and quiet i used to get over there...

2009-10-17T16:45:00.000-07:00

one of my aunts arrived from india yesterday so i went to my mom's place to see her, and one of the first things she said to me was "so are you making over 100,000 now?" pissed me off so much, but i was trying to stay calm. i told her no, i make about 65. which personally, i think is perfectly decent salary, but she was like "ONLY 65?????" and then she was like "but (a younger and less educated cousin in NY) makes close to 100, so how come your salary is so small?" *groan*....so then i was like, well it depends a lot of what field people are in and she works on wall street, so that's a typical salary for her job, but she also works very long hours and is always stressed out about possibly losing her job. and i also told her that i have really good benefits and an excellent retirement plan and tried to spin as much as i could, but there's always this feeling of disappointment, like i am some poor fuck-up who never meets others' expectations. sorry, i work for a non-profit. sorry, i will never be rich. why can't they just be happy if i'm happy??? i mean, i just had a performance review yesterday and my two managers and other coworkers said really nice things about me and my work, which made me feel really good...then my aunt had to go and ruin all those good feelings...this is what i hate about indians. so much focus on money. material things. showing off to others. and seriously, don't they understand by now that it hurts my feelings???

2009-10-13T21:52:00.001-07:00

so i did stay home today. so much more comforable at home with a blanket and the heater on...but, i ended up not really getting any work done. the file i intended to work on would not open on my home computer, and i left my laptop in the office yesterday...have other stuff i could have worked on, but i got frustrated with it after a couple hours. i am not into writing papers. really, the whole "research" aspect of my job - not really my thing. i mean, i like looking into stuff, but more in terms of product development, not to write papers or proposals or whatever. anyway, i spent most of the day playing this silly little game online. it's ridiculous. i mean, i have a million other things i should have done instead. some days, i just can't deal with the world, you know? just want to space out...keep my mind occupied enough to make me forget about everything else...

i think i am badly in need of a vacation though...some time away from the office would do me some good. i keep tossing that around in my head but not actually going anywhere...

anyway, gonna try to get a little work done now since i was supposedly "working" all day and have basically nothing to show for it...

2009-10-12T23:54:00.001-07:00

argh. found 3 white hairs today. long ones. like i really need to be reminded of how old i am getting...

2009-10-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

still not feeling 100%, and now there's this really huge storm that's coming in...i think i'm going to work from home tomorrow. really not in the mood to go out in the rain and wind and cold and go sit in a freezing office all day. i was so exhausted today and all i wanted to do was get back home and get into bed and stay warm under the covers. but then i came home and was over that feeling. it's weird how that happens sometimes.

what i really do want though, is for someone to make some chicken soup for me. i wish i had that person.

2009-10-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

i have this insane cold that's been bugging me for 2 weeks now. it went away for a few days or so, then came back. and it's one of those colds that just drags out so long...maybe that's my fault for taking airborne. maybe it's best to just let the cold happen, be really miserable for 2 days, and get it all over with, rather than just feeling semi-miserable for 7 or 8 days...or, maybe it's just this particular bug that i caught. or, maybe i was just not getting enough sleep or something. i've generally been feeling really dehydrated for about 3 weeks now. i feel like i'm still drinking the same amount of water as i normally do, but i don't know...whatever caused all this, i am just sick of being sick at this point.

2009-10-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

the friend who was visiting did not stay with me after all...probably a good thing because the state of my apartment is still rather terrible. i definitely made progress in some areas, but still have a ways to go in order to get it to a point where it is neat enough that i won't feel embarrassed having people over. i guess the problem is, i never invite anyone over or have anyone stopping by randomly. so i'm never truly motivated to keep it presentable. usually the living room and kitchen areas are pretty tidy, but lately i've gotten lazy about that too. and my bedroom has been much worse than normal. just too much crap lying around. i hate it. i think it's messing up my mind as well. i feel much more clear-headed and relaxed when my room is clean.

anyway, no idea what is going on with the cal football team. horrible 2 weeks in a row...it's tough to watch and not know what's wrong or what's causing the poor play.

2009-10-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

took the day off...finally all caught up with work (mostly). and i was just insanely tired. slept for almost 11 hours last night. today, the plan was to clean, but i'm not making much progress. too stressed out. if someone was coming from out of town and planning to stay with you, they'd ask you in advance, right??? because i wasn't asked, but there was one strange email that made it sound like that's what was going on...i attempted to get clarification, but it didn't really work. *sigh*....people are weird. she's nice and all, and it'll be fun to hang out with her since i haven't seen her in over 10 years. but it's not like i'm dying to spend the entire weekend with her, 24 hours a day...i generally don't want to do that with anyone. that's why i live alone. that's why i'm single. that's why i didn't invite her to stay with me. am i obligated just because she invited me to stay with her??? (even though i haven't taken her up on that yet.)

anyway, i really should clean up the place regardless...i just wish i knew for sure what was going on so i wouldn't be so stressed...