relax. relate. release.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Tue, 13 May 2008 02:15:00 +0000

got really confused by someone on bart today. normally when i see transvestites/transexuals, they have usually chosen to appear, for the most part, as either male or female. but this person i saw today was kinda doing both, part-way. i initially thought it was a man, but then looked down and saw red heels and painted toes. the clothes - eh, sort of more like a man would dress, though the jeans could have been women's. no makeup on the face, hair was not done, but nails were. i'm not judging - he/she can feel free to do whatever - but it just really threw me. i kept wanting to stare - like s/he was a puzzle that i was trying to figure out...the male in him looked like a slob, kind of unkempt and not well-dressed, but then the nice shoes and the painted nails? it just seemed so contradictory.

as a side note, i've seen a lot of gay guys being affectionate in public lately. it's the one major change i've noticed in berkeley lately. (not bringing this up because of the bart rider, but because as i was walking home, i saw a male couple being couple-like - this was the third time in recent memory, though it's probably been more than that and i just hadn't paid attention before.)

anyway, i'm still super-annoyed with the template changes at work. i thought she was going to add some additional styles that i asked for, but she didn't. she did the opposite in fact. i tried to explain to her what i needed and why, but she was just...annoying. she has this "i know better than you" attitude sometimes...just seems so pretentious. i can't stand it.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Sat, 10 May 2008 07:26:00 +0000

i've been completely unproductive this week. worse than usual...i find it so hard to pull myself together. i need to try to get better though...i don't want to be like this forever.

anyway, i don't want to think about me right now. i'll stick to work-related rambling. our graphic designer is leaving, but not really leaving. she's moving to the east coast for grad school, but she's going to keep working on the math project part time from there. i'm kind of disappointed...i was hoping she'd be off the project and they'd hire a real graphic designer - meaning, a better one. i don't like a lot of the work that this current one does, and i don't think she's as smart as others seem to think. well, ok, she's smart in some ways, but she's just so damn forgetful and doesn't pay close attention at meetings...it drives me nuts. and her background and education are all over the place, but nothing related to math or science or education. and she just fakes the graphic design part - no degree in anything related to that either.

they did hire a new person anyway - but a math person, not a graphic designer. and she doesn't have experience using adobe software, so i don't know how she's going to help out much...i haven't met her yet, but i hope she's good at whatever she'll be doing.

but here's what i'm really upset about: the current graphic designer has once again changed the entire template that we use. i don't remember if i went into detail about this earlier or not. basically, i liked our original template, but she wanted to change a bunch of things, and ended up completely re-designing the entire look and feel. and then the complaints poured in from a bunch of outsiders who liked the old one better. so now we've gone back to a lot of the stuff from the original template we had, but not so much that we can still use the original versions that were completed. so it's going to be a lot of work copying and pasting from one template into another. and she's making all these stupid guidelines that i don't agree with. and i don't understand why things are going to be done a certain way, and whether she made the decisions on her own, or if our manager approved of them. (i'm guessing she made them on her own.) it's just very frustrating...she's taken away all the flexibility that we had before in terms of leading and paragraph spacing...and she has this tendency to not notice that things are not aligned properly with the guides that they are supposed to be aligned with...and i need everything aligned, damnit! i am so completely anal about alignment. it really bugs the hell out of me when she doesn't notice.

i could go on and on, but since none of you can see what i'm talking about, and i can't physically point to the things that she's done that i don't like, there doesn't seem to be much point to this. except to say that i wish i could point that stuff out to someone! someone at work, ideally. but everyone loves her and thinks she's a fucking genius, so who am i to go against what she says?

i don't mean to sound so bitter. the whole thing is just annoying. and i'm worried about the amount of work involved in copying everything into the new template and working with the new guidelines. and it is very tough for me when i spend months working on a section, and then she messes with it and makes changes that i don't like, and i can't ever voice my opinions on whatever she did. i don't like having to give up control over something that i've worked really hard on. maybe it would be different if she was a good designer and if we talked about what she should/should not do...but she's not, and we don't. so...it sucks.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Wed, 07 May 2008 01:34:00 +0000

i hate being asked "did you do anything exciting this weekend?" my answer's always no. i feel like i need to start making shit up, just so people won't relize how lame i am.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Sat, 03 May 2008 05:28:00 +0000

sometimes a little fun and laughter comes from where you least expect it...

and man, did i need it.

i still feel like i have this tiny bit of fear/dread/anxiety inside of me that doesn't completely let me have as much fun as i should, but as long as i come out smiling and feeling good in the end, that's what matters most. baby steps...

i just wish i were more open and willing to put myself into situations - even ones that sound awkward and unpleasant - on the chance that i may actually have a good time. the more i do this, the more likely it is that i will at some point be able to let go and enjoy myself.

anyway, i'm exhausted right now - only slept about 4 hours last night. and i'm still a little sick so i really needed more rest than that. i wrote another long ass email to complain about my upstairs neighbors this morning, even though they are really not that bad in comparison to what i've had to deal with in the past. i'm just sick of them using the bathroom sink for hours and hours in the middle of the night, and i had to get it out of my system, even if nothing comes out of it.

i have a feeling i'll sleep for 12 hours tonight, regardless.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Thu, 01 May 2008 05:22:00 +0000

took a sick day today...it felt nice to sleep in until noon. i think i needed that. what annoys me is feeling like i'm on the verge of getting sick, but not actually getting a full-blown cold. although i guess technically, a full-blown cold would make me feel worse. but then it would be over, you know? this is just kind of lingering and making me debate whether or not to go to work...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 01:28:00 +0000

i feel like shit. i've barely slept the past 2 nights...having that anxiety thing again. i don't even think it has anything to do with cars...i can't figure out what it is about though. probably nothing. just me...*sigh*...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 01:50:00 +0000

been at my mom's place all week...and during this time, i seem to have gained back all the weight that i lost last month. i guess it is an indian-mom thing...making sure your kids are eating constantly. but anyway, the good news is i don't have to go to the RC office as much anymore. which means i'll be walking more regularly and not spending a ridiculous amount of money on gas! yay.

still gotta get a new car though. i'm thinking maybe a mazda 3. but, it was kind of noisy and the interior looked ugly. so i don't know...still looking and thinking...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 01:35:00 +0000

i saw someone wearing stirrups this morning. stirrups! what the hell? i mean, is that for real? it wasn't a middle-aged woman clinging to the 80's either - she looked like a trendy college student.

please tell me they aren't coming back...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 01:38:00 +0000

i feel like i did nothing all day at work today...i have stuff to do, but i was just slacking all day. i was technically working though - not surfing the web or doing other things - but i was just going sooooo slow. it's taken me days to get this little thing done that should have only taken 2-3 hours. i've just been confused and slow...not all there mentally. i'm sure people are starting to wonder what's wrong with me.

found out that a co-worker who was in the same position as me just got promoted to a higher position. she started working here a few months after i joined, and she's only a couple years older than me, so it's not like it was due to experience or longevity. and we have the same supervisor. so...kinda makes me feel like i'm not good enough. and i know he likes my work. but i guess you need a little something extra to get a promotion, and i don't have that. this girl who got the promotion is one of those people that intimidate me with her intelligence, so i'm sure she deserves it. but it still stings a little.

on an unrelated but equally depressing note, one of my cousins who was possibly just as hopeless as me when it comes to dating is now in a serious relationship. it's been several months, but the way she talks, sounds like she's already thinking that they'll get married. so...yeah...another thing to bring me down. i'm happy for her i guess...i just hate being the only single one left.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:50:00 +0000

i think my iron's getting low again...feel like throwing up all the time. i've probably been slacking when it comes to taking vitamins...i should buy some of those chewy, chocolate-covered things...maybe if they taste good, i'll be better about taking them.

anyway...so much to do, and no energy to do it. i feel overwhelmed when i look around my apartment and make mental notes off all the things that need to be taken care of. i don't know when it's going to all get done. and new things keep getting added onto the list, at a faster pace than i can check them off...so irritating to be both disorganized and lazy!

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 05:21:00 +0000

been feeling some anxiety lately, though i don't know exactly why. seems to happen to me every now and then...i get into bed and suddenly feel really worried or stressed out, but about nothing in particular. maybe it's partially due to the whole car incident...i guess i got pretty lucky - i mean, i could have gotten into a bad accident if it had happened at a different place/time. so i'm thankful for that. yet still a bit scared to drive it, even though the problem has supposedly been fixed. (i don't know how well you can "fix" a car that is nearly 15 years old.)

and i get a little stressed when i'm test driving new cars. i just feel so uncomfortable in all of them. can i see over the steering wheel? no. can i see out the back when i'm reversing? no. can i reach the pedals? barely. so how the fuck am i supposed to figure out which one to buy? they're all the same to me. ok, not all of them, but most of the good ones that don't look like toys. a mini cooper is tempting, but they really don't seem too safe and sturdy to me. oh, and i hate it when salesman tell me that they sold the same car to people who are even shorter than me and they have no problems driving them. first of all, i think anyone shorter than me would be required to sit in some sort of booster seat by law. second, i seem to have more driving-related fears than the average person. i think it's because i really haven't driven all that much...didn't go out much when i was in school. did not have a car in michigan. walked to work for 3 years. worked from home for another 3. basically just made local drives over that time, but always in my own car. i'm not used to driving other people's cars or rental cars. and having a lack of confidence in my driving abilities has made me resistant to the whole idea of driving anyone else's car, just because i get freaked out that i'll hit something. even though i really have not had too many incidents with my own car, especially not in the past several years. i'm just scared, and i don't know why. it's silly. i was in a pretty bad car accident when i was 10 or so...maybe that's why? who knows...i just freak out too much in general. swimming. riding bikes. public speaking. boys. i wish i had more backbone...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 01:57:00 +0000

i hate that i have so much trouble making decisions...doesn't matter if they're big or small, i just hate making them. i want them all made for me. is that too much to ask for?

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:18:00 +0000

this has not been a good week...at all...

i'm so exhausted. taking the day off tomorrow. i barely got through today to be honest. just too much crap. my car's engine suddenly stopped running yesterday - while i was on the freeway. nothing appears to be wrong with it now, but i'm scared to drive it. yeah, i know, i should have bought a new one last year...you just don't think something like that is going to happen to you until it does. and i'm still kind of in shock. but anyway...i'll start looking again soon, and more seriously this time.

work is going to be pretty busy the next few weeks - and i gotta re-learn statistics and how to use SPSS, since it has been a good 7-8 years. hopefully i won't have to do anything too fancy. but i kinda felt like i was in trouble because i couldn't exactly remember what an anova was. i used to know all that stuff inside out...but it's all a blur now.

overall, my body just feels like shit right now. i need a vacation...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 00:57:00 +0000

i feel so intimidated when i hear people in my field give talks about their research...and as much as i try to tell myself that i am smart, and that i had this same feeling when i first started grad school, but by the end i knew i was just as smart as (if not smarter than) most of my classmates, it just doesn't sink in sometimes. i feel envious of their drive and intelligence. and i wonder where mine went.

it just bugs the hell out of me when i feel like i can't do something. i've never seriously considered getting a phd in education, but it sucks to feel like i'm too "dumb" to get one anyway...that'd i'd never make it.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 06:25:00 +0000

the only person who's noticed my haircut so far is my annoying cubicle neighbor. i kinda wish more people would notice. it would make me feel better about it. although noticing isn't the same as complimenting. and compliments would be much nicer to hear than "did you get a haircut?" but i'll take what i can get. i'm debating whether or not i want to go have it thinned out more...i need to remember to always make sure they blow dry it straight. when they just diffuse it a little and leave it wavy, it's really hard to tell what it will look like. and i never leave it wavy at this length anyway - looks all crazy when it dries.

alright, enough with the hair saga. (for now.)

overheard at work today: "i can actually use my phd for something!! WOO-HOO!!!!" (imagine a thick southern accent to really get the feel for it - the woo-hoo part especially.) i guess it's a pretty nice feeling when you realize all of your education was not a total waste. i hope one day i can scream out happily that i can use my MA for something.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 01:28:00 +0000

i hate it when i think i'll be working in oakland all week, then at the last minute i find out that's not the case...*sigh*...and i'll have to walk home with my (really heavy) laptop tomorrow because i have a meeting on campus, so that's kind of bumming me out. but, at least we're having a party in the other office. i hope the food's good this time...our office parties are always a let down for me when the food sucks.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 06:10:00 +0000

why do weekends always seem to get over so quickly? i don't feel like going back to work tomorrow...*sigh*...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 04:50:00 +0000

counting crows played on campus today...and for once, i actually caught one of these surprise free concerts! it was nice...i mean, the sound system wasn't great, and it didn't last anywhere near as long as it was supposed to, but i enjoy their music. and i'd never seen them in concert before, so getting to see them up close was pretty cool.

i seriously need a new camera though - just about all of my pics came out blurry. uploaded a few here, in case anyone cares.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 05:50:00 +0000

so i'm kind of disappointed with my haircut...it's not cut badly or anything, but...i don't know. i just wanted to look better, and instead i end up with the same ol' boring layered mess that i've had for the past several years...only it cost twice as much.

basically, the stylist was all talk and not much action. she got me super excited before the cut, telling me all the things she was going to do, but then...she just ended up not doing much at all. i mean, other than chopping off 6 inches. yup, 6 inches. i don't think that's what i asked for. but maybe she thought i'd be so traumatized by the length change that she decided not to do anything else? i don't know.

anyway, i'll see how it goes. it usually takes me a week or two before i get used to dealing with hair changes...it's just so hard dealing with layers in comparison to long, flowing, wavy locks...and i'd probably be more willing to make the effort if it was a rockin haircut. but it's not. it's just boring...

i just want something to be happy about in my life - like, really excited about and energized by, you know? all i see are negatives sometimes. i hate feeling angry at myself, i hate having regrets...i hate this feeling of wanting to punch something to get out all of my frustration! or wanting to cry. what i'm getting at is, a fabulous haircut would have helped. i know it wouldn't have cured all my problems, but it would have made me feel better and therefore, more motivated.

would it be bad to go back to the same salon but to a different stylist? i'd feel so bad doing that, but i kinda want to try the younger and more funky looking one.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 05:39:00 +0000

i'm finally going to get a haircut tomorrow. i've been needing one for...oh, at least a year now. ok, probably longer than that. i just kept putting it off...and then people kept telling me how nice my long hair is...but for all i know, they could've been lying. it's probably the longest it has ever been in my entire life. i think i'll feel 10 pounds lighter when i cut it off.

and i'm going to a different place this time, not the same crazy lady i've been going to for years and years and years...as much as i love her, she's screwed up my hair pretty bad the last few times. i need a change...i just wish i could find someone as affordable. i will likely spend twice as much at this new place, but if i'm happy with the cut, that's ok. and i owe myself some extra hair expenses anyway given how long i've gone without a cut.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 05:06:00 +0000

i feel like i need to trust my gut more often. i've been breaking things left and right this week...and i don't think it's completely by accident. i feel like i sometimes get so tense and anxious...if i had been calm and really paid attention to what i was doing, i'm guessing nothing would be broken right now.

i've been trying to get myself in a more positive mindset, but it's hard whenever things get fucked up...to not focus on those things and instead find something good to say. i got nothing right now.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 01:22:00 +0000

it occurred to me recently that i've been feeling a lot happier at work lately - not that i was unhappy before, but...it's just become more pleasant now that i've become a little chummy with that one programmer a few cubes down. i feel more like my old self when i am joking around with him. it's nice to have that...i'm sure he thinks i'm weird and too quiet, but i also make him laugh now and then, so i don't think he minds. anyway...so yeah, being social is a good thing. making friends is a good thing. talking to people is a good thing. (provided these people are nice and won't make me cry.)

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 01:24:00 +0000

quick 6-week update on my vision: it's MUCH better now than it was 2 weeks ago. the ghosting in my left eye is reducing - i still see it sometimes (mostly in low light), but it's not as bad as it once was. the computer screen is less blurry now. i still think my right eye's a little far-sighted, but i can see it trying to focus sometimes. maybe i've just gotten used to having one blurry eye, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i'm still on the fence as to whether it was worth it or not, but it's a good sign that things are still improving.

oh - the one negative that i've noticed in the past 2 weeks: lots of floaters. it's not a huge problem, but just kind of distracting when i'm looking at something white or up at the sky.

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 05:20:00 +0000

why are my upstairs neighbors still here?...it's spring break, i thought i'd get a nice week of sleep. instead, they're just hanging out, making a lot of banging and hammering noises...*sigh*...

noreply@blogger.com (A.) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 01:08:00 +0000

so tired...i feel like i haven't gotten enough sleep this week. upstairs guy was pacing around for an hour in the middle of the night last night. so annoying...i've woken up in the middle of the night just about every single night this week.

anyway, i had to deal with some excel craziness at work today. sometimes it just does weird things for no apparent reason. i tried to sort a data set by student id number, and 10 of them ended up in the wrong spot. drove me nuts.

my computer is making a weird humming noise. that can't be good.