relax. relate. release.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 07:48:00 +0000

it really bugs me when people don't give up their seat on bart...not to me, but to other people who need one. if i'm seated, i always try to pay attention to who's just entered and if they need my seat - either an elderly person or a pregnant woman or anyone who seems to have a foot/leg problem. sometimes i have even gone overboard - thought this one guy was walking funny, so i immediately got up and asked if he wanted to sit down, but he was fine so he just looked at me like i was weird for offering...anyway, i'm just sick of being the only one to offer my seat to others. everyone else is too busy on their damn iphones or kindles...seriously, there were fit men and people younger than me just sitting in their seats by the doors - you know, the seats with the sign that says something like 'please make these seats available for the elderly'...and none of them got up when this older woman who was sick entered. so i had to do it. it wasn't a big deal, but i'm just annoyed that i have to do this all the time...those other people, they were sitting for a long time. i had only been sitting for 1 stop. i was tired, damn it. but this woman was way worse than me. i didn't mind giving up my seat...i just stood and glared at the men sitting across from where i was who didn't bother to offer. i was hoping they'd feel a little guilty, but honestly don't even think they noticed or thought anything of it. guys are so un-chivalrous these days...

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 06:23:00 +0000

my mom's uncle still hasn't heard back...apparently they like to take their sweet time with these things...

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 20:41:00 +0000

i don't know what to do with myself...whenever people ask me what i've been up to aside from work, i have nothing. "you're just at home most of the time?" yup.

and yet, despite being at home most of the time, i don't get anything done around here. it's pretty sad.

people don't understand, and i don't have a good explanation for it. it just is the way it is. and there are times when i am fine with that. and there are other times when i am not fine with it but still don't do anything about it. i might try for a little while, but then i give up just as quickly. so...i don't know what to do.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 07:40:00 +0000

so my mom's uncle never heard back from immigration last month...he spoke with them and found out the person who was supposed to review his file didn't get a chance to do so because she had some more urgent work that came up. but now he's supposed to hear by this friday. i'm hoping he gets it, for everyone's sake. it has just been an incredibly annoying situation for everyone. i think my mom's going to pass out from exhaustion as soon as they all head back to india.

i don't know what my excuse is for being so exhausted though...i really need to force myself to go to bed earlier.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:33:00 +0000

been too tired to write lately because i've been up watching the olympics way too late every night...not crazy about nbc airing this stuff so late, especially on the west coast. really makes no sense to me - seems like they could easily start at 7 instead of 8, so that it would be done by 11-ish instead of 12-ish. but anyway. figure skating seems to be much better this year than it has been in a while...loved evan lysacek, so happy for him. weir as well - even though he didn't medal, that is the best i have seen him skate in a long time and i think he was not scored as highly as he should have been. felt bad for belbin and agosto...it seemed like they lost not because of skating but because their programs just sucked this season. no idea who chose them and why. the top 2 teams were really amazing though. watching the ladies tonight, still missing michelle kwan...and so sick of everyone grabbing their blades. i know they get points for that, but enough already.

other than the figure skating...watched some skiing and snowboarding, and my favorite, apolo ohno. still love him. too bad he slipped. hoping he gets one or two more medals though.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 03:38:00 +0000

my hip is much better today. i somehow managed to sleep on my back the entire night...i usually end up my right side, but that's the side that was hurting me, so i was hoping to avoid putting pressure on it.

anyway, about to watch the opening ceremonies...sad start so far, hearing the news of the death...i was shocked when i heard about it. i mean, it's the olympics...you'd think they'd have everything set up and checked many times and made as safe as possible...

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 07:34:00 +0000

i wonder if there's a FML-type site for people to complain about sucky things that happen when you get older. this morning, i woke up with *really* bad pain in my hip. what the hell?!?! i am 32, not 82!

i could barely brush my teeth because it hurt so much. thought it would be ok after i took a shower, but it wasn't. i had to really struggle to get dressed...took me forever to put on my socks and shoes. walking was tricky...my street is pretty steep and going downhill hurt a lot. once onto flatter land, i was for the most part ok walking slowly, but every now and then if i inadvertently moved my leg a certain way i got a shooting pain. it even hurt to breathe sometimes. anyway, after i got to work, ate something, and took a tylenol, it got a little better. but the pain is still sort of there, so i'm worried about how tomorrow morning will go...

anyway, i'm really excited about the olympics starting tomorrow!!!

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 02:39:00 +0000

didn't fall asleep until past 4 am last night so i called in sick to work today. i was sort of in the middle of dozing off around 1 or so when i heard a noise, assumed it was a mouse (even though i have no reason to suspect that i have one again), sat up straight really suddenly, and then proceeded to toss and turn for hours and hours...it was not a good night. i think it was because i took a sudafed an hour or two before going to bed. i feel like cold medicines in general seem to not appeal to my body...my stomach started to feel weird. my heart was beating really fast. oh, and i had non-stop post nasal drip. that's been going on for a while. like, since the bronchitis pretty much. i should probably go see a doctor about it. that's another thing i hate. i took the sudafed thinking it would prevent the dripping, but i think it just made it worse instead.

i just tried using a neti pot. i probably didn't let the water run through for as long as i should have, but i did what i could. and i do feel like i can breathe a little better now. i've been congested for so long that i don't really remember what it feels like to not be. i think i still have the post nasal drip though. makes it really hard to fall asleep...and when i leave my jaw relaxed, as i am supposed to be doing so that i don't clench, it gets worse. so maybe all this clenching has been my body's way of stopping the drip while i'm sleeping...who knows...i'm hoping that the neti pot will eventually help reduce the dripping, and then maybe i'll stop clenching???

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 07:32:00 +0000

i'm sure i've probably said this before, but i just can't believe that this author i work with (i believe i used to refer to her as "the bully") has an english degree from berkeley. granted, it was a long time ago (she's in her mid-late 50's), but one would think that basic grammar is something that stays with you for most of your life. she has no fucking clue how awful her writing is, and then takes it personally when i want to make edits. i should copy and paste some direct quotes taken from her writing...maybe next time i come across a good (bad?) one, i'll save it somewhere.

on another note, i was upset with myself for most of today because i noticed that i have this tendency to always assume the worst. and then let that assumption depress the hell out of me. it's one thing when i get depressed over things that actually happen, but another to get depressed over things that i am totally making up in my head based on little to no evidence. maybe it is my way of preparing for the worst...or maybe i just have this intuition about things...i don't know. part of me thinks i am an idiot when i believe such things, and then another part of me thinks i am an idiot when i don't, because in my head, it's just so obvious.

anyway...other than all that, my mom's uncle is supposed to find out about his citizenship this week. fingers crossed! i should mention that there was a potential problem with his application that might set him back a few months...may not seem like a huge deal, but to my mom, a few more months would be tough to deal with. and to him too, i'm sure. so...i'm hoping they approve it.

ok, time for bed. i'm hoping that writing before going to sleep will help me relax. i woke up clenching my teeth this morning. really have no clue what is stressing me out so much in my sleep. have a dentist appointment next week and i know he's going to be mad at me for not wearing my mouth guard...

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 07:53:00 +0000

it's so much easier to write about things while they are still on my mind...but when i wait too long and try to write about stuff that i was feeling last week or last month or six months ago, it's really hard and feels forced and not as sincere. so...i don't know whether or not to bother. but there's so much that i intended to write about that i just totally missed. anyway, it's late and it's not happening tonight, so maybe some other time...if i remember.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 07:27:00 +0000

i feel like i haven't written in ages...nothing much is really going on with me. my shoulder's been a little better - at least, not swollen or in any serious pain, just kind of tight/sore at times...i'm trying to be more conscious of when i'm putting too much strain on it. i think i've been really hunched over at work lately, so trying to sit straighter...i also think a lot of it is just tension in my body. so hard to relax. i don't know what i'm doing in my sleep that makes my whole body so tense. or what i'm doing in the day time to make my subconscious so stressed that it's affecting my dreams or whatever...i hardly ever remember my dreams so i don't know if i've been having really stressful ones or what, i just know i wake up feeling like i did.

anyway, i've been really slow at work lately. i guess that started a while back, but i seem to just not be able to keep my focus for more than a few minutes at a time. kind of depends on what i'm working on i guess...need to find stuff to do that is more interesting and engaging. not that i have much choice in the matter. but i'm just not into the stuff i'm doing right now. and i think i've been more easily distracted lately. so it's a combination of the two that is really slowing me down.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 07:26:00 +0000

i do intend to write more regularly, but somehow it's really hard to get back into the habit after slacking for so long. and i'm generally just tired and don't feel like i have anything new to say that hasn't already been said.

my shoulder got really bad on tuesday. it was quite painful...i stayed home on wednesday and avoided using that arm as much as possible. luckily the swelling went down. i also started doing my old physical therapy exercises again - which makes me feel great right after i'm done, but then if i get on the computer the pain comes back. i think it's my posture or something. like i haven't been sitting straight anymore. i feel so hunched over. plus i'm just incredibly tense these days. so much to do...i feel like i can't keep up with anything.

anyway, since it's about 11:30 now, i just wanted to say i am on team conan all the way. leno should have retired or gone on to other things...personally, i watch letterman. but there are times when conan is hilarious. leno on the other hand...well, i just never liked him or found him funny. i agree the whole mess is more nbc's fault than leno's, but it just makes me dislike leno even more for not stepping aside!

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 03:51:00 +0000

it's 2010. isn't that crazy? i think so...of course i'm the one who was still thinking it was 2008 for most of 2009.

anyway, the shoulder problem that i had back in the mid-00's seems to be back. i'm not quite sure what i did to cause it to come back - probably been spending more time at the computer than i should be. or maybe sleeping on that side more. i'm not sure. it's getting quite painful though, so i should be a little more mindful and keep moving it and probably start exercising...getting older sucks. all sorts of aches and pains. i bought new shoes because my feet/legs were starting to hurt (i walk about 2.5 miles a day) and i thought i needed something with more support. so i got these nike's for about $60. i can't recall ever spending more than $45 on shoes, so i'm not sure what got into me. they're ok. i wore them today for the first time, and it wasn't too bad in the morning - definitely easier to walk in than the other pair i had been wearing pretty regularly. but, they kinda hurt. and by evening, i was having some new foot pain. i'm hoping they just need to be broken in some. i remember the shoes that i got a few years ago were uncomfortable initally but ended up molding to my feet really well. it has been hard to find an adequate replacement. i wore them out completely before getting rid of them. anyway, so i'm hoping these new ones also mold to my feet - they are nice and sturdy without being super bulky, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed...already wore them so i can't return them. this is why i don't normally spend much money on things - i generally end up feeling it was a waste.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 06:05:00 +0000

i feel like i've been neglecting this blog...as with many other things in my life, i suppose.

caught a mouse last week. i am hoping there aren't more of them around...i should probably set up another trap just in case though, huh? sometimes i just don't want to know...

anyway, i was just thinking how i miss being a kid and actually liking and being surprised by presents i got for my birthday and/or christmas. sometimes, i just want a nice surprise, a nice gift that i actually love. no one ever gets me anything good anymore...well, it's basically only relatives that get me stuff. and my relatives are mostly cheap and/or don't really know me well enough to know what i'd like. that includes my parents apparently. oh, i just remembered - there was the tivo i got a couple years ago. that was a rare good and non-cheap gift from a family member...especially after i found out that a year's subscription was included. i know i bitched about it initially. now i can't live without it. (although i kind of blame it for making me watch a lot more tv than i should.) but yeah...to get a gift like that is very rare.

i kinda wonder sometimes if i had friends who got me stuff, what they'd get me. is that a weird thing to wonder about? i think when i was 21 or so, one friend got me a necklace. it was really pretty, i still have it actually...i don't think i ever wore it, but i still like the idea of it. i guess i'd like to have someone to exchange gifts with now as an adult...i used to like getting gifts for people, taking the time to find something that they'd like. if there was anyone that i cared about much now, i'd still like doing that for them. i just wonder if they'd get something nice for me too, or if i'm just impossible to shop for. if it's the latter, that would explain the lousy gifts i generally get.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 07:54:00 +0000

i'm so exhausted...i don't know when i'll get myself to actually accomplish anything. i need to set mini-goals for myself. i feel awful about things right now...so frustrated with myself...

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 07:12:00 +0000

so that redness on my nose? it continued to get darker and darker. by the next day it was a very noticeable bruise. i tried to cover it up with makeup as best as i could, but that just made it start to peel, which in turn made it look even worse. it was pretty much at its peak ugliness on the day of the wedding - i'm hoping the makeup hid it well enough, though i'm sure it was still somewhat noticeable. it's still kind of red now. but much better than it was over the weekend.

anyway, i mostly hung out with this one girl who i haven't seen since i was 10 or so...but she was really nice and her date was funny, and some of the bride's other friends who we shared a table with were nice as well. so i didn't feel as lonely and uncomfortable as i thought i might...most of all the bride was very happy that i came, so i'm glad i went. we were inseparable for much of elementary school (at least, the parts i choose to remember). i hope i'm as happy as her some day, whether it be on my wedding day or not.

right now, i am trying to use a sephora gift card before it expires (midnight) but it's not working. so annoying.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:27:00 +0000

i'm so not packed yet. i don't know what i did all day. besides running from the mouse. i did have the most uncomfortable eyebrow threading yet. i swear, women who do that for a living need to keep their nails short. i really didn't apprectiate having her finger nails digging into the bridge of my nose. it's still red, hours later. she also got really close to my eye a few times and she should have seen from the expression on my face and how i was pulling away from her that she was irritating me, but she kept doing it anyway! i even made her stop at one point because i couldn't take it - not sure what i said but i think it was "my GOD". but she still continued. i've never had such a painful eyebrow experience before. and that's including the time i got scratched by a ring that the woman was wearing. indians are so oblivious sometimes. she was probably pissed that i only gave her a $1 tip, but she should be lucky because i didn't want to give her anything. but the shaping was ok overall, luckily. i would have been really upset if i sat through that torture only to end up with fucked-up uneven pointy high-arch brows.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 22:27:00 +0000

damnit. just spotted a mouse in my kitchen.

i thought i was all good after getting this one hole in a cabinet sealed, but apparently not. though i guess i shouldn't be surprised given how messy i have been lately...i suck, mice suck, this apartment sucks...i HATE this.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 09:05:00 +0000

feeling overwhelmed again...leaving friday morning to go to a friend's wedding in LA. decided to take thursday off from work as well, because i know i'd be all stressed out if i didn't. have to figure out what to pack - unfortunately the weather is not cooperating with me. and i also want to get a haircut and get my eyebrows done, but i have a feeling i'll have to settle for just eyebrows. ugh. i just *know* i'm going to forget something. hate that feeling. but as i've mentioned several times, i seem to be having trouble remembering things lately. and my room is a mess, so i'll probably have trouble finding stuff i need in the first place.

i'm just feeling so unsettled right now. the bride mentioned something about setting up carpools to the wedding, but then i never heard back from her. and i'm not renting a car, and i don't know anyone else who'll be there, so...i have no idea how i'll get to the wedding right now. and did i mention the weather? it's going to be terrible. it hardly ever rains in southern california, but for some reason, it pours whenever i happen to be down there.

i need to get to bed - one more thing on the list: have to finish doing some qa for work first thing in the morning. i thought i'd finish it tonight, but my brain is too tired...

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 06:15:00 +0000

my horoscope today: "If you can convince yourself that you're about to experience -- and deserve to experience -- great things, you will actually have the power to make them happen."

i've been trying to convince myself of this for a while, but haven't been successful. so i hate it when i see it staring at me like that.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 07:53:00 +0000

getting a year older sucks. my birthdays are always depressing too...maybe if i actually did something fun on my birthday for once, i'd enjoy them more. or not. i don't know. it's kind of annoying having it right around (or sometimes on the same day as) thanksgiving. and i always feel like the only people who call me are the people i don't want to hear from (like, random relatives from india who i don't have anything to say to but at the same time don't want to be rude to).

but anyway...i did go shopping and got a good deal on a dress (gotta love those 50% off sales!). so that's one thing off the list. but my apartment is still a mess, and i didn't catch up on any work as i intended. i don't know why i thought i would...i should know better by now. contemplating taking tomorrow off, just because i've been spacing out in the office lately and not doing anything. always seems to happen to me this time of year. it's terrible. one would think that i'd feel a bit rested and refreshed after a 4 and 1/2 day weekend, but no...always feel like i need one more day. or week. or longer. work is so boring lately. when i'm not enjoying what i'm doing and not feeling into it, i am completely unmotivated. but i do have stuff that i need to get done, so i can't just blow it all off...life is so unfair...

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:22:00 +0000

so hard to believe it's almost the end of november already...i feel like i've done nothing over the past few months. and like i've been in denial. just don't want to deal with anything...so i pretend they don't exist. then i panic when i realize that i actually do have to deal with them.

and my birthday's appoaching so that's depressing me too.

and a friend's wedding to attend in a few weeks...you know how i love weddings. especially when i will not know anyone there besides the bride. and i don't have any clothes to wear. and my travel plans are still unsettled...*sigh*...i want to be there for my friend, but it's such a hassel. there's a part of me that wishes i couldn't make it. is that terrible?

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:44:00 +0000

whyyyyy doo teeeeeenagersss write like thisssssss nowwww? i dontttt gettt itttttttt.

instead of typing fewer characters (like to text quickly), they're adding MORE. someone explain this to me. i feel old.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:47:00 +0000

there's only so many "it's time for you to get married" talks i can put up with in one day. actually, even one of them would be one too many, but three in one day is just...way too much. it's super annoying and just frustrating as hell! they either make me feel like i'm too pathetic to actually get a guy to like me (not true), or like i'm over the hill and destined for old maid-dom if i don't listen to them, or from those aunts who never got married, like they want to live vicariously through me. i can only take so much of it. it's almost to the point where i'd be willing to get married just to shut them all up.

noreply@blogger.com (anita) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 07:27:00 +0000

i have so much stress inside of me but i have no idea where it's coming from! keep clenching my teeth, which i know i have to stop...it's just so subconscious...i seriously need to start meditating or something. i don't really know what else might help. figuring out what i'm so stressed about perhaps? i should probably write more. i intended to start writing here more regularly, but lately i've just been so out of my mind. maybe it's my messy room that is stressing me out? i still haven't cleaned. i'm horrible. i just have too much stuff...and no idea where it should go.